Original subtitles

Alright, let me blow them!

- Okay blow them, go on. - Okay, here we go.

Ha! Pay up!

Your house is now foreclosed,

my block is now fully gentrified.

No it ain't.

Now it is, you owe me $500,

and here is your eviction notice.

Alright.

I would ask you to blow on them,

but I don't want bad luck so here we go...

There you go. Well, Reggie,

you owe me a permit fee to build on my property.

I'm gonna build a library.

You gonna build a library?

Passing out free books?

Oh, that's gonna make a lot of money.

Shh. I need silence before I blow.

That's what she said.

Come on, let's roll it, whatever that meant.

Ah! I now own a baseball team!

And I own the stadium. Pay up.

Reggie, why you always think you better than everybody?

I am.

And it's Mr. Junie to you as I just acquired

the company you work for, I am now your boss.

You know one day you gonna regret

just talking to me like that when I'm independently wealthy.

- Play! Just Play. - Roll the dice!

Just give me my money.

Here, I'ma pay you in ones.

No, no, no, no, give me the real money--

No, you gotta take it in ones!

If you want to take it, you gotta take it--

- No, I want the real money! - No, take it in ones!

Hey, hey guys! Well, what's going on in here?

A game of Hoodopoly gone bad.

You know what? Since you all talking about money,

let's talk about real money.

There's a new community initiative called Ark Tank.

- Oh, Ark Tank? -Yeah, yeah.

- The show that come on TV? -Mm-hmm.

What? That's my show!

Ark Tank, see the pamphlet.

Right here, it says,

"Ark Tank is a community initiative to help seniors

"use their imagination to invent something

to improve their community."

Now wait, this the good part, this the good part.

"The winner receives $10,000!"

-What? $10,000? -Yes.

I'm rich, I'm winning it. I'm rich!

You know what, I think we should do it as a team

and we just split the money.

That's if old greedy here wanna share.

Ah, take the ones like I told you. Take the ones.

You still want us to do it as a team?

Nah, you gonna play it,

I'm gonna play it the way I want to.

♪

♪ No matter what you do, I love you ♪

♪ No matter where you go, I'm behind you for sure ♪

♪ Always remember, blood ain't never water ♪

♪ We'll make it if we stay together ♪

♪

What time you'd get in last night?

Man time.

What's that supposed to mean?

It means I got home when I got home.

Yeah right, we both have a curfew and you know it.

Good morning.

One of you have my cell phone charger?

I couldn't charge my phone last night.

Uh, I have it.

Sorry Mom, you were asleep when I got in last night,

and I didn't want to wake you up.

Then me and Dad started watching Dumbest Criminals.

Wait, you watched TV with Dad?

Yeah.

Do you know what time he got home?

Yeah.

Kids, am I right?

Boy, watch yourself. Make your bed up.

Grown man.

Dad?

Dad?

Hey.

Is it just me or did I wake up in The Twilight Zone?

What's up?

Did you watch a show with Philip last night?

Yeah, it was funny as hell. Oh my god.

Yo, this dude tried to rob a store

with a brown bag over his head, with no eye holes.

Then he ran into the chip rack and then the clerk

came out of nowhere and drop kicked him.

It was hilarious!

Right. Do you know what time he got home?

Uh, he brought me a salted caramel funnel cake

when he got home, I remember that.

Okay, so you do know he was late coming home, right?

- Yeah. -Did he call first?

Mm-mm.

What?

When I came home late last month, I was grounded for weeks.

Yeah, that's different.

Okay, how so?

Because you're a girl.

And? I'm older.

Look, it don't matter, alright?

So you let Philip stay out later than me

because he's a boy?

Yes, you are a girl, and you are more fragile

and vulnerable. You are my daughter,

and I'm not letting anything happen to you out there.

I don't want you to get hurt.

- That is so unfair. -It is.

- I'm responsible. - Independent.

- Wise. - Mature.

So why is this happening to me?

Something called chauvinism.

But your dad loves you, darling.

Yeah, well, he obviously loves Philip more.

Look, no, sometimes when things are unfair,

you have to make them so.

Well, how am I supposed to do that?

I think I might have something in mind that can work.

Have you ever heard of Ida B. Wells?

Isn't she that reality star on How to Box a Kangaroo?

No, darling. We have much to talk about.

♪

Okay, I'ma let all y'all have the shine,

I'm not gonna participate. - Good idea.

- Yeah, I'm a coach. - Bad idea.

I have you to know I've been coaching for years,

and I'm undefeated.

Like what, fool?

My female chess team, they won the triple-D cup.

Let us get started.

- Okay, okay-- -Thank you.

What we gonna do is, y'all throw out ideas,

and then I'ma vote them up or down.

I'm the coach, okay? Thank you.

And I'ma write 'em down.

Yeah, you Cora, you write them down.

Okay-- - I'll go first.

You go first, yeah.

Wrinkle water.

With each drop, the wrinkles stop.

That would have to be lab tested,

no time for that. Next.

Wrinkle water. Reggie, let me,

I vote stuff up or down, I'm the coach.

I vote up or down.

Anastasia, that was such a ...

Oh, that idea, girl, however stupid it was!

Have a seat. Next!

- I have an idea. -Mm-hmm.

Pan-African Eats.

It is a drone service that takes hot meals

from local restaurants to Africa in 24 hours.

Hey!

Okay, so food from Africa? - Mm-hmm

-To America? - Yes.

-Over the water? - Uh-huh.

It's gonna be hot and it's gonna get colder?

Ah, yes now.

Boy, don't nobody want no order of salmonella, sit down.

You'll kill somebody! -It's kinda stupid.

I've got a great idea. -Okay.

How about this? Love lotion!

You put it all over your body when you making love.

Get this. Smell like collard greens.

I am not writing that down, Mr. Vinny.

You always hungry when you finish making love.

Vinny stop being nasty, what kind of lotion

gonna do that?

This is ridiculous.

Reginald, what did you have in mind?

Well, it has to be something practical,

like The Clapper.

That's already been invented.

Well, wait a minute now,

depends on what you wanna be clapping.

What about a 24-hour burial service?

We bury your dead by the time you get to bed.

How do we make money from that?

Well, people dying as they ain't never died before.

That's true.

Oh! I say we charge a subscription fee.

That's a good idea.

We charge them $12 a month, on a thirty-year contract.

Bad idea. Who's gonna pay?

The people are already dead.

What about a $20 visitor's fee?

Hmm.

That's stupid,

don't nobody visit you when you done dead. That's just...

And it takes a week to embalm you.

Not at our funeral service,

where we put some, some, flat fixer in you,

boom, hit it, swell you right on up.

Were you born with fool genes?

Okay, you're not gonna talk to your coach like,

'cause I can vote your idea up or down.

Which one you want it? Up or down?

I will not be part of a half-baked idea,

I think it's best that I go this alone.

Well go, fine. Do what you're gonna do.

May the best man win.

Good luck coaching the Bad News Bears.

My people come up with anything

you can come up with, Mr. Smarts.

- The table is set? - Yep, I got it Cora, check.

Okay, the community judge should be here any minute.

Okay, who judging?

Don't worry about it, Mr. Brown.

Oh.

You look excited to be here.

What is this? Jury duty.

Couldn't come up with a good enough excuse to decline,

so now you're gonna shove this down my throat?

Well, it's always good to see you, too.

Have a seat. This won't take long at all.

And we're gonna have each contestant

come in one at a time, okay?

Sure.

Alright, contestant number one!

Number one!

Good day.

My name is Anastasia.

You may be wondering why I don't have anything in my hands.

No I'm not, I'm just wondering how long this is gonna take,

because I got a TV dinner cooking at home.

Because they're on my feet.

What, bunions?

Hope you don't have foot fungus.

Introducing Moonwalkers.

It's like having a personal masseuse to work your dogs.

Cushy, gel bubbles help with back pain--

MM-hmm.

- Arch fatigue-- -Preach, sister.

- Leg cramps-- -Yeah.

Fasciitis, gingivitis, and hair loss.

In days, you will feel like you're walking on the moon.

Moonwalkers for you!

Moonwalkers for you!

And if I had enough,

there'd be a Moonwalker for you too, dear.

Oh.

If you had a third foot, you'd be an alien.

Next!

Contestant number two!

That's the music.

I am Efedotore Omowale.

Say what?

Sounds like an element from the periodic table.

Imagine you're all alone, and you cannot go somewhere

because you have misplaced your cane.

My friends, introducing Boomerang Cane!

What?

Boomerang Cane.

Okay, say it slow, say it slow.

Boomerang. Cane.

Boomerang Cane! Oh!

If you lose this cane, one click of a remote,

it'll come flying back to you.

Let me demonstrate.

Ow!

It definitely not coming back.

Nope. Next!

Contestant number three!

Silence, Buckwheat's daddy.

Who says old people can't have a pimped-out ride?

Who said it? Somebody said it?

They shouldn't say it, because check this out.

Okay.

Introducing wheelchair spinners, baby.

And every one is programmed with old school music.

They'll be grinning, while they're spinning.

Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? You hear that?

What the what?

Are you for real, Vinny?

- For real as I can get-- - Next!

This thing gone from bad to worse.

They can kiss their money goodbye.

Contestant number four!

Hello, sir. I'm Judge Reginald Junie.

You've heard your teacher say, "Put on your thinking cap."

Well, now you can. Introducing

the first artificially intelligent

thinking cap.

You place it on your cranium,

calibrates your brain cells to read brain waves,

and reveal what others are thinking.

Allow me to demonstrate.

Mr. Brown is thinking...

"Why did I not come up with such a brilliant idea?"

Mr. Brown is thinking, "My, he looks stupid in that."

Under breath.

Oh yeah? And what am I thinking?

See? I knew you were going to ask me that.

♪

Did y'all select a winner?

Okay, well I'll...

Thank you.

Alright, so the inspector has selected a winner.

He cannot deny my Boomerang Cane.

His feet must be on cloud nine.

Wheelchair spinners, baby.

Mine was made with superior intelligence.

Alright, it seems like we had a last-minute submission

that swept it.

With the Get Smart Mood Monitor Wristband,

"Wear your feelings on your sleeve,"

I like that.

Okay, and the Ark Tank winner is,

Leroy Brown?

What?

Ah, bam! Look at that! Read it and weep, suckas!

Yes, I know what Reggie thinking,

"I wish I had the brains of a scarecrow."

Gotcha.

Wait a minute, hold on, it's telling me,

"You're a winner." I hear it.

My mood monitor. - This is bull!

Okay, I'm not gonna say it, but it is.

That scallywag!

This is truly unacceptable! Mendacious! A pure outrage!

Mr. Reginald, Mr. Brown won fair and square.

Oh, I beg to differ, Ms. Cora.

-Why? - In the law,

we call this deceptive behavior, "fraudulent."

And there's the fraudster!

No, no, re-address me,

say, "And there's the champion!"

You're a scoundrel, Brown!

I will get to the bottom of this.

Okay guys, okay. Now we're all God's children,

you know, whatever it is y'all have going on

between you two, I think y'all should just take a break

from breathing the same air.

- Because he's polluting it! - Nope, I'm winning it.

My wristwatch said that maybe I may need to do something to you,

like put these things on it.

Mr. Brown, don't do that.

Hold on, it senses something with you.

It says, "Cora is too sad."

Girl, you need to get sad.

"Cora is just too, too much."

You need to get into something, Cora.

What you gonna do, lie, cuss, smoke, and drink?

When the zombie came out, out the gate,

and he started pop-locking baby, what'd he do?

You crazy, boy.

What are you wearing?

Yeah, why are you dressed like Handmaiden's Tale, Sandra?

Oh, I'm not Sandra. I'm Miss Ida B. Wells, the founder

of the National Association of Colored Women's Clubs,

and the NAACP.

I'm an activist for equal rights.

Stand up for your rights.

So this is about your brother coming home later than you?

Yep.

You guys are treating me like it's the eighteen hundreds.

This is the 21st century, why should I get punished

for the same thing that Philip is doing?

Baby, she got a point.

Yeah, look sweetie, we love you, alright?

We're not trying to treat you like a kid--

Mm-hmm. I mean, when we watch the news,

it gets scary baby, especially for women.

Mm-hmm.

Uh, Mom, Dad,

I'm going out with the boys, so I'll be back near midnight.

Who are you supposed to be, Harriet Tubman?

Ida B. Wells, dumb-dumb.

Be back by midnight, Son.

Good one, I'll just bring you back some more funnel cake.

You be back by curfew, or you'll be on restriction.

Just like I was last week.

- That's called torture. - It's called equality.

Why, because Ida B.?

Do you even know who that is?

Of course. She an old school rapper,

Ida B. on the beat.

Wait, go back to your room.

You won't be going anywhere tonight.

And stop by those encyclopedias, pick up the "W."

Wells is her last name.

A pair of brand new white boots.

Buy me a fur suit, the whole suit, fur.

Hey, what you doing?

Hey Cora, I'll have you know, you will be proud of me.

What? What is, what you doing?

Okay, I'm in the giving mood, I'm making a list,

so when I get my fortune, I'm making a gift list,

and I'm gonna put all the people I love on there,

and I'ma buy gifts for them.

Hear ye! Hear ye! All gather round.

I'm not putting him on the list.

Who you think you are, Shakespeare or somebody?

I've just returned from the community center,

and the judge sent me back with this notice

that they have rescinded their decision,

and you are disqualified, Brown.

Wait a minute, what? What? Why?

Well, it seems you submitted your contraption

point-zero seven seconds after the deadline.

Mr. Reggie...

I bet you feel real good about yourself,

just crushing somebody's heart

just so you can get a little win, huh?

Well, if y'all would excuse me, I'm gonna leave.

'Cause my mood wristband is telling me that I'm mad.

And you wouldn't like me when I'm angry.

Hey look, don't make me throw these hands on you!

No, I don't want you to.

I've always been an overachiever. Overly...

- Ignorant, arrogant? - Yeah, I get it,

those were some of the complaints that my ex-wife had,

and that's why she went off with that rodeo star

named Bucking Benji. -What?

Bucking Benji?

Anyway, I, I apologize for insulting you, Brown.

And I guess competition awakens the raging lion in me.

Yeah, me too.

I accept your apology.

Ah, and what do you say

we split the prize? Hm?

- Like split it? - Yep.

What?

Reginald Junie, you a good man after all!

- Thank you. - Alright, yeah,

we gonna split that thing good.

Ha! I'm rich!

♪

♪

♪