Original subtitles

♪

- Are you okay? - Huh?

Huh, Mr. Brown , did you lose a contact?

No, I wish I would have,

I would only have to look at half of Vinny's ol' fat head.

No, I got a crook in my neck.

- Oh, a crook? - Yeah.

I know the crook, it is called old age, huh?

It robs us of our youth slowly.

Ain't nothing robbing me of my youth,

I'm still young at heart.

Yeah, and your heart can make you breathe,

but it cannot help your stiff bones.

I don't know-- I still can--

Look, I got moves, watch this.

Ah, ah, ow!

Ow!

Wait, wait, cramp, cramp, I got a cramp.

Oh, oh, oh, okay, okay, do you need a massage?

No, don't no--

I don't want yo' greasy hands all over me.

Not from me,

from Spa Sticky Fingers down the road.

Ow!

It's--look, look, look, look at my--

it's just--

I have a senior discount that can help that, too.

- I don't want no massage. - Okay.

Give me five minutes, I'll be back to normal.

- Alright. - I think.

Skip outta luck.

What you got there?

Ah, this... samples .

Samples of what?

This is something that is going to change my life,

and your own.

I have found the secret to age reversal.

Oh, I wish we could 'cuz I'm feeling old right now.

But my knees been crackin', my back is poppin',

eyes been twitching.

Look, my eyes done got so bad,

I was coming down the hall the other day,

and I thought I was being chased by a giant Milk Dud

'til I realized, it was just my shadow.

You think that's something,

the other day, I mistook my hand for a sock puppet.

Okay, wh--what is it?

Introducing the world's first,

"Black Don't Crack," energizer drink.

My--my skin is fine, but I could use a little energy.

This might be my new business venture.

I heard about it from a friend, who has since passed away.

Okay.

You--okay, wait a minute,

a friend of yours told you about it

that has since passed away. - Uh-huh.

How many sips did he take before he passed away?

No , he was hit by a truck

on the same day that he took the product.

But that's just a coincidence.

Go, go, try it, have a sip.

Okay. You sure?

-Go, go, try it. - Okay.

Whoa!

Man, what is that?

I told you!

It is a special ingredient,

very potent berry from the roots of a far foreign land.

- Where is that? - Compton.

Hey, I'ma need another one of these, I'm--

Why don't we go--

how about you go into business with me?

Mm-hm, go into business with me.

If I bring you in, I get a $500 bonus.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,

so you telling me, if you bring me in--

-Mm-hm. - You get 500 bonus?

I'm not talking dominoes, I'm talkin' real cash.

Okay, wait, wait, what if you bring me in--

Mm-hm.

And I bring somebody else in, do I get the same bonus?

Ah, now, you understand it.

And I get an extra 250 on that person, eh?

What, Efe, look like we're about to go into business.

Look like Black Don't Crack

is about to make us stacks on stacks.

We 'bout to be rich!

♪

♪ No matter what you do, I love you ♪

♪ No matter where you go, I'm behind you for sure ♪

♪ Always remember blood ain't never water ♪

♪ We'll make it if we stay together ♪

Is yo' skin starting to wrinkle up

like an old Shar Pei in your 20's?

Is your 20's the new 80's?

She look that bad?

Do you just look old?

Oh, they hung up on me.

Eh, uh, Efe?

I got three more people to sign up with me today.

- Ah, good. - We 'bout to be rich!

I just ran five miles, haven't done that since, uh--

Since, you ain't never done that.

You ain't never ran no five miles.

This stuff really works, this is my third one today.

I think I'm gonna enter

the Old As Dust Peachtree Race this year.

Ain't--ain't that the one where they be walking the race?

Yep.

Uh, you know that cost money?

I'm paid in full.

Uh, yeah, he bought an annual subscription from me.

Oh, well--what--

you know what, good doing business with you.

Next time you buy, I need you to buy it from me

'cuz when you buy it from me, me and my partner get paid.

I don't care who gets paid as long as I get my stuff.

It works!

Well, guys, good news,

I handed out your sippin' samples

and your flyers downtown.

One dude tasted it,

and said Punch-Aid ain't got nothing on this.

- Mm. - Yeah, another lady said

her crow's feet took a walk right off her face.

Testify.

I sold, like, 50 bottles of this stuff in an hour.

Eh, let--let me see, let me see.

That boy-- you on something,

you a salesman?

Why let your skin crack, when you can go Black.

Drink your wrinkles away, have energy every day.

Get you some! - Get you some!

Oh, get you some!

Yeah, I came up with that one myself, yeah.

- I like it. - I--I see, I see.

- I like it, I like it. - Yeah.

That's good. That--yeah, that's good.

Yeah, you almost left me hanging.

- I like it. -Yeah.

Well, uh, I gotta reload, they can't get enough of this stuff.

Yeah, good, good, get out there and sell it.

Get out-- hey, Lindor.

- Huh? - You know what,

you keep hustling like you hustling,

you gon' be rich just like me and Efe.

Keep hustling. - Alright.

Keep it Black, my brother.

Okay.

Even though you real light as you are.

Right.

Yeah, cuz Bl--Black Don't Crack, right?

- Look, that's the spirit. -Black does not crack.

- Yeah. -Black does not crack.

- That boy's a salesman there. - He's a salesman.

- Yeah, alright. - He is, he a salesman, now.

Get one of these, oh yeah.

Ah, I know you don't have no subscription,

that cost money.

I don't need one,

I got a senior citizen five finger discount, baby.

And it looks like the other fingers have a discount as well,

some of our bottles are missing.

Okay, okay, everybody, listen up, this is not charity,

this is a bidness. I'ma put a sign on it that say,

"Don't touch, if you touch, I'm breaking your fingers off."

What y'all think this is?

I'm gonna go and count our boxes.

You can't-- just tryna get free stuff.

Every time you look up, just tryna--

Two, four...

What?

What? Is something on me?

Is something on me? - No, no, no, no,

don't touch it, don't touch it, don't--

What is it, is something on me?

- Do you have leprosy? - Man!

Ain't nobody got no-- what?

Ain't nobody got no leprosy,

that ain't been around since the biblical days.

I'm just saying, man, your head look like a lava lamp.

Man, you just so mean and random.

What, you just out of the blue--

what you--what you even talking about?

It is the truth Brown,

all we need is a disco ball and some shag carpet,

we have a party with yo' big-ass head.

I'll tell you what I'm finna do,

I'm finna put these hands on you.

I been waiting for the hands since I been here, Brown.

And I'd rather have a head like a lava lamp

than to have breath like dragon's breath.

Just--breath--breath just humming, just...

Hey, your breath so bad, the sun goes down when you talk.

What? That is just nasty and mean.

Whatever, man, you know what?

I'ma take me a couple more of these and go to my room.

Ain't nothing you can do about it, nothing.

- You just evil. - Nothing.

- You evil and ignorant. - And you're f--.

You just boiled all the whole thing--

-Shut up. - To your breath.

Hey, eh, eh, eh, eh, hey, hey, uh-uh, uh-uh!

Ten-ninety-nine.

You don't have a sample for me to try?

You--what was I thinking?

I--what kind of business person am I?

Sample, ten-ninety-nine.

I guess it's worth it, I could use some energy.

I don't have no change.

You know good and well ain't nothing gon' stay up in there.

Here just take it, you don't need no change.

Here, just take it, I--I'll catch you up later.

Girl, you could use some more material,

what you got on?

This old thing?

I didn't ask you how you look, I said, "What you got on?"

Girl, somebody gon' mistake you

for a sophisticated escort or something.

For your information, I'm going to the mall.

To do what, ring a bell and take up donations?

- To hang. - You going to hang?

What you hanging, clothes or old dead skin?

Ready, Ms. Anastasia?

Let's roll, Shawty.

Nah, that's what your dress is... shawty.

What done got into her?

I don't know but she's treating,

so if she wants to go to the mall looking like a THOT,

that' fine with me.

♪

- Look behind you! - Run!

Come on, run, Black man, run, run, run!

Oh, oh, oh!

He 'bout to die, he gon' get him, look at him.

- Hey, Mom, hey, Ms. Cora. - Oh, hey.

- Hey, baby girl. - Who's your new friend?

Go, don't let him do that to you.

Ms. Ana--Ms. Anastasia?

Funk fresh in the flesh.

So, have you did a stand-up comedy act

that you haven't told us about?

No, this is just a side of me that you've never seen before.

- Oh! - Her ratchet side.

Cora, something's up.

Yeah, she done aged out of her mid-life crisis.

You know, she kept saying,

she was gonna join the Cougar Club,

so she can land her seventh husband.

And she kept saying that 80 was the new 30,

so if that's the case,

then I'm about 20 years from conception, so I'ma go.

Oh, I'ma get her, oh!

One of these days, I'ma get her.

Hey, baby--oh, that's for me, thank you.

Nooo!

This is not for you, this is for Anastasia.

Apparently, she has a birthday coming up.

Oh.

That must be why she dressing all hoochiefied,

trying to get her groove back.

Oh, I need to go pick some things up

so we can have her a birthday party.

Good idea.

Okay, okay, I'm gon' put my shoes on.

Great idea.

Hey, y'all need anything from the store?

- Oh, I want some Colas Zeros. -Okay.

- Thank you. - Alright.

Anybody else need anything?

I need a laxative, something strong, real strong.

Extra strength.

Oh, oh, wait a minute, you can't eat these,

they'll inflate your tire,

that middle that Jeremy's always talking about.

What? I did not say that.

You did say that, you a liar.

Look, when we was down at the Drink 'Til You Drop Bar,

you was all up in that girl face--

- What? - Oh!

-That white girl. - Boy!

That white girl, you was all over her, man.

-You wildin', man. - You said-

I did not say-- no, no.

You don't-- you don't need these.

Baby, I did not say that.

-Huh? - No, what I said was

that we need to get the tires changed on the car,

not your tire. - So, I got tires?

No, like a ten-speed, not like a car tire.

- Like a-- - What?

- Boy! - Why are you hitting me?

I--why you think I'm hitting you, and what girl?

What one of you out there was talking to that girl?

Y'all better hurry up,

y'all better hurry up! Let's go, hurry up!

Them people crazy.

Man, this Black Don't Crack is making people mad.

That's okay, just so they keep the money coming.

No, I mean, like, really mad.

This man told this lady,

instead of trying to be a supermodel,

she should be a sumo wrestler.

She took a sip of Black Don't Crack

and body-slammed him. He had to tap out.

That ain't--that ain't my business,

just so they keep lining our pockets, I don't care.

Yes, indeed, brother.

Look, Lindor, open that window,

and sell it from there.

Like a concession stand?

Yes, 'cuz they're bringing in the big bucks.

Look, look, look, we'll give you an extra 2% for your troubles.

Cool, and a lifetime supply of Black Don't Crack.

Nah, how about a lifetime supply of don't be greedy.

Don't--don't do that.

If somebody taking care of you, you take care of them.

And--and you don't want to get high off your own supply.

Go on, go on and get the stuff.

Yeah, get two people to share one bottle.

And we-- it's half off.

Well, you so old,

that I looked up "ancient" in the dictionary,

and saw your mug shot.

That's a good one, very good one.

You so old that you poop fossils rock.

Well, you're so old that your Social Security number is one.

Oh, that's a very good one, too.

Well, you know what, I heard through the grapevine

that your ex-wife left you for a bullrider

because she wanted to experience

what it'll be like to ride, Missionary Man.

- Okay, Nutless Professor. - Anytime, bring it on.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Ding, ding, ding!

Ding, ding, nothing.

Go to the corner, what are y'all doing?

I'll fight a light-skinned dude,

I don't care, man.

You can't fight him, he makes us money.

What are y'all-- what is going on around here?

Man, you not gon' believe

what just happened to me. - Oh, what?

Man, my old boss just called me,

offering me a remote position, paying more money.

Shut up, you took it?

Nah, nah, I told him to shove it.

Yeah, and I told him

that I don't like his concave forehead

and his platypus nose.

And I told him his wife looks like a cabbage patch.

- That's terrible! - Eh, whatever, Fatback.

What--what is happening around here?

Is--is diarrhea of the mouth going around in here?

I think that it is.

What is this?

Okay.

Dear Mr. Brown and Mr. O-wem-a-way...

O-wem-a-way... - Omowale!

Omowale, alright, okay, okay.

"I am writing to address the false claims

"of your product, Black Don't Crack,

"when indeed it does.

"Major side effects is people cracking on each other

"in brutal honesty,

"uh, causing job loss, divorce, uncontrollable laughter.

"So cease and desist all sales of your product,

or yo' fatheads will be slapped with a class-action lawsuit."

It sounds like whoever wrote the letter,

drank some of it, too.

Man, say a class-action lawsuit?

Wh--we got to go to class for the lawsuit?

You don't know nothing.

Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.

Okay.

- We did good, Cora. - We did.

We did good.

Ms. Anastasia's gonna be so surprised.

Oh, I bet she thinks we forgot all about her.

Yep, I bet she do, I bet she does.

Oh, put this away. - Yeah, let's grab this.

-Okay. - Okay, I will get the candles.

-Okay. - And an extinguisher,

I mean, there'll be so many of them,

it might light a fire .

Girl!

Well that looks nice, okay, so--

That does look really nice.

So, I'ma put something else in here once we get everything--

--settled.

Okay, and we could put a little tablecloth down.

Yeah, a tablecloth.

We do need to put something on the table.

What should I do with this stuff?

Oh, sit it right here on the table.

Right here next to the cake. - Cool.

What else did you get?

I got everything that was on the list.

- Okay, great. - Oh! Did you get

that tummy tuck apparatus? - Yep.

Good, you got the, uh, facial hair cream remover?

Oh, yeah, B-O-G-O.

- You know how I do. - Good job, baby .

Oh, hey, Ms. Anastasia, girl, how you doing today?

You doing okay?

Hey, I've seen better days.

Yeah, I'm sure you have.

Uh, everything okay?

I suppose, just another day in the life of boredom.

- Yeah. - Well, Ms. Anastasia,

what happened to you joining the Cougar Club,

and, uh, your hot mini skirt?

Right, I mean, you was so excited earlier,

and full of energy. - Mm-hm.

Who was I fooling?

The only young men that want to be with me

would have to be deaf and blind, and tryna sow his wild oats.

- That is not true. - Mm-mm.

What's wrong with her, why does she think that?

Are you saying that if you were single,

you would look my way twice?

I mean, yeah, if you were, like, in the crosswalk

and I was driving.

If, uh, you needed help with your grocery bags,

or if you had fallen and can't get up.

See, I'm an old geezer.

I mean, what would you rather be,

a geezer or a skeezer?

Ms. Anastasia, I'm sure your day will brighten.

The only thing bright about my day is this shirt.

"Getting old sucks."

That's not true.

No, getting older comes with wisdom,

and--and experience.

Yes, and new teeth, and gadgets like hearing aids,

uh, Botox, The Clapper.

And wrinkles, and memory loss,

and body parts that don't work anymore.

Well, I mean, you just need

to have a celebration, Ms. Anastasia.

Yeah, just a little lift.

Which part, my sagging cheeks or dimpled butt?

Oh no, you're beautiful, Ms. Anastasia.

Mm-hm.

You--you know, you just need to have some fun,

you know, something exciting. Have a fuss.

- Yes, you're right. - Yes.

I think I'll watch some reruns of "The Price Ain't Right,"

and eat me some dried prunes.

Oh!

You know, we--we-- we were thinking

about something a lot more fun.

Yeah. Fun .

You know, I just don't get it.

I don't understand why people my age

would even ever wanna celebrate a birthday.

I absolutely hate them, I just detest them.

You do? You hate 'em?

I hate them!

Oh, I'm so sorry, it's okay.

I got the candles

for Ms. Anastasia's birthday cake.

- Ssh! - All 78 of them.

Almost enough to light the entire city of Atlanta.

You planned a birthday?

Oh!

No!

- Thanks, Sandra. - Me?

Well, money was good while it lasted.

Mr. Brown, you do realize we lost a lot of money?

Yeah, well, it's better we lost it now

than when I bought that big ol' house on the hill.

Buy all those luxury cars and gold swimming pools,

and all of that, with a jachuzzi.

I'd get me a jachuzzi with a big ol' lion and everything.

And I ain't giving all that stuff back once I get it.

No, mm-mm, I wouldn't give it back.

Sad to see it all go.

I mean, this is the most popular I've ever been.

Never had so many people just throwing money at me.

I see why my dad was a stripper.

We should've known it was too good to be true.

I'm glad it's leaving the house

before Vinny or Reginald kill each other

with their brutal honesty. - Yeah.

Well, I've got some good news.

You moving out, and you gon' take Vinny with you.

That's a good answer, go, move.

We need some good news, what is it?

The Truth or Scare Law Firm

is willing to take the drinks off your hands.

What do we have to do?

What you've been doing, pack it up and ship it out.

I'll draw up the legal paperwork

so that you can, uh, sign over your business affairs.

Okay, cool,

but what's a law firm doing with energy drinks?

Evidently, they're gonna use it

to get their clients to tell the truth.

And they're gonna rebrand it.

They're gonna call it Wise Crack.

That's stupid.

Why didn't I think of that?

Because you're not wise.

♪

I liked you moving out better, that's for real.

- We did, we did! - Well, case disappear.

Cora, Leah, can I speak with you for a moment?

- Sure. -Absolutely.

I'm sorry for the way I behaved earlier.

No apologies necessary.

I just never liked birthdays since my fourth husband died.

He use to always surprise me, and pop out of a cake.

One year, he popped out as G.I. Bro.

with a Kung Fu Grip.

And then another year, he was Popeye the Sailor Man.

Oh!

And then, the last year, he popped out,

got high on sugar and died.

I'm sorry to hear that.

We don't have to have a birthday party

if you don't want to. -Mm-mm.

Well, you went through the trouble of getting a cake.

I just-- - It wasn't any trouble at all.

Okay, well, can I have my chocolates?

Now, how did you know about those?

Right?

Because I order them every year for myself

'cuz they're my favorites.

Oh, and Jeremy, he act like he bought 'em.

He did.

I thought he did. I thought they were for me.

You know what? We have something even better.

Mm-hm. Sandra, baby?

Come here

- Just in case. -Girl .

There you go.

Wow! Look at there.

Yes.

Oh, you guys are so sweet.

We love you, Ms. Anastasia.

Thank you. - Thank you.

- And happy birthday. - Yes.

Oh, thank you, thank you so much.

I love you, guys. -We love you, too.

♪

♪

♪