Original subtitles

♪

Oh.

Well, finally, I get the respect that I deserve around here.

Thank you so much to the Academy for nominating me

for these beautiful awards.

Thank you, I love you. - Hey.

This ain't for you, fool. This is for our new resident.

Who you got moving here? Queen B?

We got a Hollywood starlet moving in here,

and I just figured I would incorporate something

from her past to make her feel welcome.

Oh, okay.

Oh, so if Vinny was moving in here, we'd give him

a beer can and a bag and give him a sign that say,

"Will work for food."

I can't believe we got a movie star moving here.

She's been in tons of movies.

Oh, really? So you recognize her?

Uh, yeah, yeah, her assistant sent over

her resume, along with her rental agreement, so--

She must be real important.

She got an assistant.

Oh, she's here. She's here. Hold--hold up.

How do I look? How do I look?

You look plain and regular, that's what you look.

Okay, just relax.

Relax.

Hey, Dad, have you seen my Forever Fantasy video game?

My forever fantasy is that you stop losing

your video games!

So hostile.

Look, can you just tell me if you see it, please?

Yeah, I'll tell you.

It's gonna be in the trash.

You throw it in the trash, you bought it.

Oh, here go your lady. - Oh my God!

Oh my God! Please come on in.

Come on in, Miss Deveraux.

Oh, I am so excited to see you, yes.

Oh, watch your step.

I am such a big fan of yours.

Anastasia Deveraux, welcome to

Pleasant Days Assisted Living facility.

The pleasure's mine, darling.

Oh, okay. Mwah.

Oh, okay, yeah. Girl.

What a funny little costume you're wearing.

May I ask what role you are playing?

Oh, I simply adore this place.

It reminds me a quaint tenement building

from a film of mine.

"Jive Turkey Johnson."

"And The Mansion of Funk.

Yes. Yes, that was my movie right there.

- Oh my gosh. - You ever see

"Jive Turkey Johnson and The Mansion of Funk"?

No, no, I can't go to the picture show no more.

Why not? Too much action get your blood pressure up?

No, too much popcorn get my choles--cholesterol up.

Uh, Mr. Brown, can you grab Mrs. Deveraux's bags, please?

You should get the bags. What I look like? The butler?

Miss Deveraux,

oh please, come on in, make yourself at home.

- Oh, you're too kind. - Mm-hmm.

Miss Deveraux.

Oh my God. - Oooh!

Ooh, ooh, oh my God. I am--I am so sorry.

This is my son's video game.

You know, kids these days, just--

Oh, children can be rascals.

You know, I appeared in an episode

of the "Lil Rascals" once.

I played Buckwheat's love interest.

Rhubarb.

Ah.

This is my grandfather, Vinny.

-How you doing? - Vinny,

the Anastasia Deveraux. - Hi, how you doing?

Now, I'm about to take her to get registered, okay?

- Uh-huh. -Alright, follow me.

- Nice to meet you. -Nice to meet you.

- Vinny. -Alright, I hear you.

That woman there is fine as boxed wine.

I'm gonna make her mine.

That woman is an absolute vision.

And I intend to court her vigorously.

♪

♪ No matter what you do, I love you ♪

♪ No matter what you go, I'm behind you for sure ♪

♪ Always remember, Blood ain't never water ♪

♪ We'll make it if we stay together ♪

♪

Thank you for agreeing to offer this rusty Romeo

some sage advice as I prepare for my, um,

afternoon tea with Miss Deveraux.

Well, you're great at talking.

I don't see where there will be a problem.

I wish to become... conversant

in modern dating rituals.

When was the last time you had a date?

- 1967. - Mm, my.

Let me guess, you went on a double date with Cain and Abel?

Okay, first tip. Don't be too aggressive.

The Bible says, Keepeth your hand to yourself."

- Mm. - Right, right, right.

But don't be too wishy-washy either.

You know, like, "I don't know, what do you wanna do?"

- Ah. -Mm-hmm.

This one especially for you.

Don't go try to use no long words,

'cause that'll throw you every time.

Oh, indubitably.

Whatever that was, don't "in-dupity" it again.

Right, but don't be dumb either.

Dumb guys are the worst. - Ah.

Okay, so I think I got it.

Be aggressive, but don't be aggressive.

Yep.

Be nice, but don't be nice.

Mm-hmm.

- Don't be smart. - Mm-hmm.

- But don't be dumb. - Exactly.

- Exactly. He got it. - I think I got it.

I'm gonna go and get some rest.

But also not rest.

Poor dude, more confused than Vinny on Father's Day.

- We should help him. - Okay, I'll tell you what.

Let's go, I got a plan. Yeah. - Okay.

Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad. We've been robbed.

They took my ZS4 and all my games.

Call 911! Call 'em! Call 'em!

- Call 911. Hello? Yeah, 911? - What they say? What they say?

What's your emergency?

Oh you say--oh, your son is irresponsible

with the gifts that his dad bought him,

so his dad took all of the gifts back.

Okay, alright. - Wait, wait, wait.

You took my stuff? That's not fair.

Your stuff? You don't got no receipts around here.

Well, you gave them to me, so they became mine.

Look, you have no right to take my stuff.

This is my house.

You don't have no rights. - Whoa, whoa.

We got new people in the house.

What's all this fussing going on?

I'm disappointed in you, man. - Yeah, tell him.

I'm talking to you!

- Me? What'd I do? - You can't expect

this boy to be responsible when you haven't give him

the tools to be successful with.

Yeah, you ain't give me no tools.

If I did give you tools, you'd lost them too.

And I'm disappointed in you, too, Philip.

Your dad works hard to buy you nice things,

and it's up to you to take care of them!

Yeah, you gotta take care of your stuff, man.

I didn't do my job guiding Jeremy.

But I'm keeping in 100.

I'm gonna teach both of y'all how to be responsible men,

and class starts tomorrow morning.

- What time? - What time?

At the ass-crack of dawn. Be up.

Be up, be ready.

♪

Your tea is lovely, and the macaroons simply divine.

Why I haven't had something this delightful since I was

on the set of "Shaft Goes To Buckingham Palace."

Am I boring you, darling?

You're looking very lit today.

Thank you, I guess.

I can be meek in the pew,

but a freak with you.

Why, Reginald, we just met.

Ooh... I wanna--I'm gonna slide

into your "dems."

Ddd... ooh, "Not 'dems,'

boomer, D period Ms."

And, Anastasia, your 'fit's on fleek.

Reginald, dear, are you having a stroke?

I--I'm sorry, I--

- Excuse me? - Ow!

Ow, ow, this tea is hot.

Perhaps this was a bad idea.

I don't need your so-called help, you Cyrano de Berger-hack!

Here, man, take the paper.

You sinking faster than the Titanic.

Oh yeah, uh, I lost my contact, yeah.

I'm wearing contacts right-- I can't even see nothing.

Can you see? - Uh, I was helping him

look for it. - Yeah, I think

it rolled in the kitchen. - Oh.

- Here is it. - Oh...

Anastasia, I'm--I'm positively mortified.

I completely understand if you choose never to see me again.

Good day.

Reginald, stop.

I knew they were back there.

You did? But I thought--

I'm an actress, darling.

I may have played a blind woman

in "Cleopatra Jones Gets Eye Glasses,"

but I can see.

So you--so you played along to make a fool of me?

I played along because I found it flattering to see

a distinguished gentleman like yourself reduced to a...

flustered schoolboy.

So you relished seeing me in a kerfuffle?

With a vocabulary like yours,

I'd relish seeing you in anything.

Anastasia Deveraux...

you are the most beguiling woman that I've ever--

Ssssh.

You had me at "kerfuffle."

♪

What on Earth are you cooking up this late?

Oh, I am cooking up a master plan, baby.

Here, take a seat. Take a seat.

Scoot on up in there. Scoot on up there.

There you go, look at that. Bam!

What is that?

I'm onto you.

You've been acting high-sadity for way too long.

But you're from the hood, just like me, girl.

Oh, you have me miscast, Vincent.

I was a cotillion girl.

Cotillion co-smillion.

You smell that? - Smell what?

♪ The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire ♪

♪ But we don't need no water ♪

Let the fire department put it out?

Girl, you need to stop pimpin'.

You know, you and I are cut from the same do-rag.

You ain't gonna be happy with none of them square dudes

you like to hang around with.

You need to come on home.

What you need to do-- looky here, looky here.

Kool-Aid! There you go!

What's your favorite flavor?

- Red! - Red!

Welcome home, baby girl. Welcome home, baby girl.

Hey, look it here. I know your name ain't Anastasia.

What's your government name?

- Willie Mae Jackson. - Willie Mae Jackson!

I knew Miss Willie Mae Jackson.

I haven't felt this free since I was a little girl.

Alright, you talking about playing double dutch

with Tee-Tee and 'nem?

One, two.

- Oh baby girl, I gotcha. - I love how you get me.

I gotcha. Ay, sookie-sookie now, girl.

You know what? You're the finest thing I've seen

since-- - Ssssh.

You had me at "sookie-sookie now."

Alright, well, watch out there now with your nasty self.

♪

Ah.

♪

Rise and shine. Wake your punk-ass up, boy!

I know you hear this!

I know--hey, hey! Let's go! Let's go, wake up!

Get up! Get up!

Uh, what?

Look, I'm calling child protective services

when they open up in four freaking hours,

because this is straight child abuse.

Ain't no better time to learn about life lessons

like the present, boy.

I can think of plenty.

Like noon or tomorrow or never.

Boy, get your butt up!

Okay, okay.

We're not gonna be yelling today.

We're gonna be using our quiet voice.

You're right, my bad. I forgot. I forgot.

Okay, look, you and I, we gonna build something

to help you keep track of your video games.

Now, I need your input.

Um, maybe some shelves.

Three for the games I have now.

And ten more for all the games you're gonna buy me

to compensate me for this torture!

I'll tell you what, torture is I'm gonna make you put

your clothes on, we're gonna take you outside,

and you're gonna cut these boards into half.

How 'bout we start with that?

Yeah, I'm already tired.

Well, how the hell you tired with--

Wait, wait, we're not gonna yell, remember?

- How the hell you tired? - Wait.

We're not yelling.

How in the hell are you tired?

When I was your age, I used to wake up at 1 o'clock

in the morning just to go to work.

Is that better? - Yeah, that's--

that was good.

I mean, the pyramids weren't gonna build themselves.

Oh.

Look, Grandpa taught me the value of hard work, okay?

I mean, when I was young, we mowed the lawns,

we painted the fences.

I mean, he even had me next door

sweeping up the lady's front porch.

Well, that wasn't really a life lesson.

I had you sweeping her front porch so I could spend time

on her back porch.

Okay, why did you raise my dad anyway?

Well, my dad was a loser.

He stepped out on me.

My mom had three jobs and six kids.

And old Vinny here stepped in.

Well, where's your dad now?

I ain't seen him since I was six.

Sounds whack.

Well, it wasn't really all his fault.

You know, I had his dad at a young age,

so I didn't do a good job of raising him.

You know what? See, it's the old head's job

to give you young bucks the tool to be successful with.

Yeah. And you know what, son?

Um, I'm sorry, man.

I'm sorry for yelling at you the way I did

and taking away your games.

That just wasn't the right way to handle this, okay?

Look, I'm sorry for losing the stuff

that you bought me.

I really do appreciate it.

Alright. That's enough of that.

- Boy, get up! - Get up!

Okay, okay.

I thought we had it all figured out.

Yeah, we done, yeah.

Got a whole Kumbaya moment.

- make these shelves. - Let's go. Let's go, man.

♪

Look what we got, Willie Mae. Look what we got!

We got chicken. We got waffles.

And we got sugar toast for old times' sake.

Dig in, girl. - We were so poor-poor

one time, I used to eat sleep sandwiches.

- - I'd say, "MaMa,

I sho is hungry." -What she say?

And she say, "Take a nap den!"

Take a nap!

Good morning, Anastasia.

Any who. Boy, this Miss Willie Mae.

You need to meet. I don't know what you talking about.

For your information, on the sofa yesterday,

Anastasia and I became well-acquainted

when we shared-- - Tea and

some frou-frou cookies. - Frou-frou.

Child, why don't you sit yourself down.

- -Sit down.

Here, looky here.

Don't that look good?

Not as good as you looked last night

when we was in the kitchen sucking chitlins,

and you and I-- - Had refreshments and then...

retired to our respective living quarters.

Darling, are--are you well?

And who is this Willie Mae he keeps referring to?

Uh, it's complicated.

Hey, hey, hey, good morning, everybody.

I'm taking painting class sign-up. Anybody interested?

The only work of art I'm interested in is this one

sitting right here next to me.

Slow your roll, Poindexter. You're talking to wifey.

Rescind your slander, scallywag,

this woman next to me is my sweet pumpernickel.

That's the nickname I've chosen for you.

I hope you find it amenable.

Whatever, you ain't gonna be with this dude.

Man, look at him.

Wears his pants up to his armpits, come on.

Well, you can't be with this ruffian.

His wears his pants by his knees.

- Hey, hey, hey! - One time. Do something.

Go to your rooms.

Mr. Vinny, you're on punishment.

Mr. Reginald, you're in timeout.

And you, Miss Anastasia Willie Mae Deveraux,

we need to have a talk.

♪

Well, Miss Anastasia, what on God's green Earth

is going on with you?

Cora, said you--you got a split personality?

You know what? I'm just gonna pack my bags up--

No, Miss Anastasia.

That's not how we handle things around here. Have a seat.

Maybe you were just a little confused, right?

Like how are you feeling?

Well, to be frank, I feel terrible.

I mean, is it your head? Your stomach?

What's going on? - Yes.

It's my heart. You wouldn't understand.

- Oh. - Yes, we would.

Try us. Go ahead.

I feel like I felt when I was your age inside.

- Mm. - But when I look in the mirror,

I don't recognize the person looking back at me,

and I don't care much for her.

What are you talking about? You're beautiful.

I mean, glamorous. Look at you.

But inside, I still feel like the 23-year-old

whose bikini broke more necks

than Dolemite.

I Googled you.

You starred in so many movies.

I was an ancillary character crushed by a falling piano.

Ooh, wow.

All my life, I've been defined by my looks.

And now they've gone vamoose.

So when Reginald and Vincent were

giving me so much attention, I--I felt desirable again.

- Mm. - Ah.

And I just got carried away.

Well, I don't mean to cut you off, but can

I get your autograph?

You--you still want my autograph?

- Of course I do. - Mm-hmm.

You know what? You're right.

I do still have it.

I mean, if two gentlemen like that were falling down

at my feet, they wouldn't be doing that

if I was a plain Jane.

You're right, I do still have it.

You want my autograph, too, don't you?

Y-yah, but--are you gonna

sign it Anastasia or Willie Mae Jackson?

Willie Mae Jackson--

is my real name, but I go by Anastasia, too.

I guess that's why my body reacted to both men.

Okay, TMI.

Oh my goodness, Reginald is urbane and gentlemanly.

And Vincent is spontaneous and fun.

Well, I guess that's one way to describe him.

- Right. - I just wish I can combine

both men into one.

- Ooh. - Mm. Ooh.

We've all had that problem.

Okay.

That's why I'm gonna have a very difficult decision

to make.

Well, we'll give you some privacy.

And God bless ya. - Mm-hmm.

Can I get my board? I need my board. Thank you.

With your--with your autograph, honey.

Let me see what she signed for ya. What she sign?

I don't know why you here.

You're wasting your time. - I'm--I'm here--

- We'll see. - No, I'm sorry, I--

Choose me, and we'll be Romeo and Juliet.

Wait. Girl, you and me like Peaches and Herb.

Ashford and Simpson.

Gladys Knight and the Pips.

Whoo-whoo!

I can no longer go down a romantic path with you,

Reginald.

In your... face!

In your face!

Think you can outplay a playa! Huh?

I'm a pimp!

With a sure enough limp!

I'm a playa! - Excuse me, Vinny.

But I can't see you either.

I prefer to be friends with both of you.

And if something evolves out of our friendship,

then we can cross that bridge if we come to it.

I just hope...

if I hope, that both of you...

can respect my decision.

This is bullshit.

♪

Now isn't this better?

Having all your games in one place instead of

having to scrounge around the house and--

You know I have found one of his games in the fridge before?

Look, I just wanted some juice,

and I left it in there on accident.

It's simple mistake.

And, yeah, you're right.

Thanks, Dad, this is actually a lot better.

Now I just need some shelves for like my, uh,

underwear and socks and shirts and stuff.

I think you already got one of those, son.

It's called a dresser.

Speaking of Dad, seriously,

I think it's time we, um...

look up your dad, maybe you and him could reconcile.

Please. I ain't seen him since I was six. For what?

Maybe I can get some of that back child support payment

he owe me, I mean, 'cause I bought you a lot of stuff, man.

Let's see, I bought you cereal, I bought you milk,

malt liquor. - Whoa, whoa.

Malt liquor?

I don't drink no malt liquor.

The malt liquor wasn't for you.

It was for me.

Raising you drove me to drink.

Let's see what else I bought you.

You remember everything I bought ya.

I bought you a football, bought you a basketball.

Let's see, uh--oh man, tennis shoes.

Seem like I had to buy you tennis shoes every other week.

Them big, huge feet was growing like crazy.

- You got me. - and remember--you remember,

you remember you were seeing that girl, and I bought you--

I bought you a box of condoms.

Yeah, I remember that real well,

'cause there was only one left in the box.

Well, the other two had been tested.

♪

♪