Original subtitles

Duh duh duh duh!

No, no!

I'd rather be a bass.

My voice is trembling like a nervous eel. And mine is dark as coal.

Our singing sounds so very lovely.

Yeah.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Thank you, you're wonderful.

Thank you. Thank you, you're... All right.

That was a lovely dream.

And a lovely song, eh?

No, that dream was intensely idiotic. Idiotic?

Move me to tears. Did you even hear it, Luddy Wood? Tears? That dream was a

proper nightmare.

You've no appreciation of great music, Luddy Wood. But when it comes to me...

I sing this little ditty every day when I get up. I skip and I jump and I trot

and I trip and I never want to stop. Now someone is sleeping and snoring and

groaning, but that is Luddy Wood. I always wake up early, that's why I'm

never in a silly mood.

Really,

Tootson, that

fishing thing's a hopeless project, and you know it.

Nonsense, man. Something will bite. I can feel it.

I mean, let's face it.

You've been fishing for days without anything to show for it in the time you

gave up.

No way. I once got this ginormous halibut.

Really big.

Juicy.

Man of that.

I don't even know where you're in. Look.

Dressed as a nurse. Speaking French.

Good.

Good.

Oh, look, lovey.

It's a big one.

Oh, I say.

Slippery, scaly little...

That's a dangerous catch, is that?

There should be a law against that kind of fish.

People could get hurt in all kinds of ways.

But,

Tootson... Aye?

Shouldn't we put the fish in the freezer?

Are you mad?

It's freezing in there. The poor thing will catch pneumonia.

Yeah, you're right.

You stay cosy, little fishy.

Just where you are.

What was that?

What was what?

I heard a hiccup. Was that you?

Me? On an average Wednesday.

Stop it.

There's something in here.

Something sinister.

Like a great big beast, eh?

Yes, exactly.

A great big beast.

There, I heard it again.

Don't be silly.

There are no big beasts inside our tunnel, are there?

I, Luddy Wood, have seen it before.

Aw, are you?

Stop it. Come on, stop it. Please, only one. I have heard scuffling.

Scuffling? Yes. And scary giggling.

Repittling?

Giggling. Giggling.

Oh, I see. Giggling.

Giggling.

Tootson? Yeah?

I've seen a big beast inside this very tunnel.

You have?

Yes. It had 100 heads and more than 14 legs. Holy mackerel, that's a lot of

stinky feet.

Oh, yes.

Yeah. And I... Yeah?

I ran after it.

You ran after it, Luddywood? I may even have been running in front of it,

Tootson. You were in front? Yes, that kind of beast. Yeah? Eats little

Tootsons and Luddywoods for brunch.

For brunch? You think that's scary?

Really scary.

To them, we're just little morsels.

Deep inside our tunnel lives a really big old beast. They say it's got a

hundred heads and fourteen legs at least.

We are very frightened, yeah, that is really true.

Maybe sometimes you all feel a little frightened too.

The big ol' beast has a hundred heads and it wants to eat us alive The big ol'

beast has a hundred heads and it wants to eat us alive The big ol' beast has a

hundred heads and it wants to eat us alive The big ol' beast has a hundred

heads and it wants to eat us alive Maybe it will come tonight and have

us both for tea If it gets a biscuit, do you think it'll let us be?

I hope he eats Luddy Wood first.

If he's so full, he won't want to eat me.

Big old beasts are deadly for us two tiny guys.

And ending up as beastie dinner won't be very nice.

The big old beast has a hundred heads and it wants to eat us alive.

The big ol' beast has a hundred heads and it wants to eat us alive.

Yes, that big ol' beast has a hundred heads and it wants to eat us alive.

The big ol' beast has a hundred heads and it wants to eat us alive.

Oh, that big ol' beast has a hundred heads and it wants to eat us alive.

The big ol' beast has a hundred heads and it wants to eat us alive.

Does it really exist?

Luddy Wood, look!

A beast pushed over Grandpa's chest of drawers with all his pirate stuff

inside. That's downright vandalism, that is.

That beast had better watch out.

If he starts messing with my Grandpa's chest of drawers, I'm going to...

The beast.

The awful beast.

I'll be making space by the doors.

And I'd like to see your tickets now.

Have your tickets ready. Please have your tickets ready.

Oh, hello.

Did you see the big beast?

Yeah. No, you see, us conductors don't deal with animals.

No, not animals.

It's the awful beast with a hundred heads and 14 feet.

It's just humongous. He must have seen him.

Awful beast.

This really no such thing.

I've got a letter for the both of you.

Ah, look. A letter? A letter.

Bow me over.

How nice. Isn't it just... It's from the government.

You're going to have to move out.

Move out?

Yes, move out. Look, it says right here, living in tunnels is not allowed.

Oh, but there's no government here. It's just the two of us. That may be, but the

government decides everything.

But surely we have a say as well. No, you don't, actually. The government

decides everything.

You are moving out today.

Today? We have to move today?

Yes. It's written in the letter.

It says immediately.

But I like living here.

And so do I.

Tunnels are for trains.

Not for people.

And definitely not rats.

Move!

Goodbye, then.

Badger all.

What are they doing?

Are Tootsin and Liddywood moving? Why, indeed.

We're homeless, Tootsin.

Here's a fellow of Captain Tootson and a weird little boy.

Oh, that's me.

Oh.

What's that in your hand, then?

That's Grandad's peg leg.

He let me use it as a softball bat on Sundays.

I can't help but think, Tootson. Now, there's something new.

What would your Grandad do in a situation like this?

Well, to begin with, I think he'd get up and sing a little song, do a little jig,

hear a ukulele, they don't.

No, in a situation like ours.

I mean, if he'd been evicted.

Oh, he would set things right, he would.

Exactly. Set things right. I bet he wouldn't have a problem telling the

government what to do. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

My gramp's right. He'd give the government a proper walloping using just

his left pinky, no question.

Yes, yes, yes. But he isn't here, is he?

No.

No.

We haven't seen your granddad in a long time now.

It's been hours at least.

What do you mean, hours? It was years ago, Tootson. A matter of minutes.

I wonder about you sometimes.

Oh, right.

OK.

Hmm. Oh, but, Luddy Wood, treasure map.

Luddy Wood, all real pirates have a treasure map. So we'll follow the

treasure map and we'll find Grandad, right? And I'm absolutely certain he's

going to help us out. Brilliant. Oh, it isn't just brilliant. It's downright

genius. Come on, Luddy Wood. We're sorted.

Touchdown, Luddy Wood.

Touchdown, Luddy Wood. We are going to find the treasure, treasure map.

Tootson and Bloody Wood, Tootson and Bloody Wood.

Why are you two still hanging around?

Just get out, will you? We decided to go and fetch Captain Tootson.

Captain Tootson, you say?

He's my grandad, right? And he's really strong.

You know, my grandad will show the government, give him a boot, rise up...

Up, up, up, up.

Backside. Did I mention he's my grandad? Yes, we've already heard that he's your

grandad. Captain Tootson, he's obviously not here right now, so...

Where is he?

We shall find him.

Whatever the cost, and wherever the coast.

No.

What kind of behavior is this? I've told you a thousand times over that this

behavior is... Fighting, yeah?

Yes, yes, exactly.

We don't want any of that sort of thing in our tunnel.

Shame on you. Badger-o. Poor Badger-o, being told off.

Is Lollywood mad at you? Come have a go.

Come on, we need to find that treasure map right away. Right you are. Let's

look in the drawers.

This chest of drawers is brilliant.

It belongs to Captain Tutson. That's my grandad, that is. And this thing here is

chock full of pirate treasures from all over the world.

Your disco pants, Tutson.

That's where they are.

Grandpa told me he got them from the Duke of Lower Mongolia himself.

You know, Captain Tootson once emptied China of cockneys just by clearing his

throat. Oh, I don't believe that at all.

And now they all live in London.

Just ask them. Ask them? Yeah, it's incredible if you ask me.

My fantastic Gramps was the captain of their ship.

He held the helm through rain and storm and he never let it slip.

For Captain Tootsin was master of the seas.

Captain Tootsin, the sailor man.

But now he's old and does the best he can.

Captain Tootsin is an aging man.

A doodle-a-ba-doodle-ee-dee. Captain Tootsin is an aging man.

A doodle-a-ba-doodle-ee-dee. Captain Tootsin is an aging man.

Go on, Luddywood. Tell us. Deep, deep inside this tunnel, there's a huge big

boulder. The funny thing about it is, it looks exactly like a backpack.

Once, in a dream, I went up to the backpack boulder and opened it. And what

did I see inside?

It was Captain Tootson, and he was playing the tuba.

My fantastic Gramps, now a boulder is his home.

Way down in our tunnel, yeah, I'm wondering what he's doing there.

Captain Tootson's sitting deep inside a stone. Captain Tootson's inside a stone.

Because the ship's got all his old and alone.

Captain Tootson is... Shut your mouth.

A-doodle-ah, a-doodle-ee, Captain Tootson is an aging man. A-doodle-ah, a

-doodle-ee, Captain Tootson is an aging man.

The map.

Yay!

That's granddad's treasure map. Look, the backpack boulder looks just like it

did in the song about Captain Tootson. I'll be.

Let's see.

The backpack boulder's over there.

Oh, now I see it. That means we have to go this way first. Over to the left.

Turn up here and we can stop. Have a coffee.

Oh, that'd be nice.

Yes.

You know, this nonsense isn't going to help. Will to.

Will not.

Will to. Will not. Will to.

Will not. Will to.

Rightio, I'm off to report you to the government now.

Wait and see. You'll both be sorry then.

No. Well, two. No.

Well, two. No.

Well, two. No. Well, two. No.

Well, two. No.

Well, two.

And that's the last of it.

No.

Well, two.

Okay, you win.

Badger, you hold the fort and we'll go find Captain Tootson.

Da-da-da!

There, now, you'll do just fine.

You can do this.

Well, little sister, did you throw them out?

They won't move our gudron, and now they're going to fetch Captain Tootson.

I knew it, didn't I? Captain Tootson is hiding in his damn tunnel.

Did you see the backpack boulder?

No, but they've got a map.

They chose where it is. And you got that map, didn't you?

Uh, no. Then why are you here, huh? Get after them.

Cutrin, what are you going to do with that?

That train?

Wait and see.

We're going to need it to take back the backpack boulder. You know, I'm going to

lose my job if they find out. Lose my job?

Really now?

Once the backpack boulder is mine, you won't have to work again.

Ever. Yeah, but... No more examples.

Get going, will you? Show them who's little sister you really are.

All right, Gudrun.

And shut that door!

That draft is giving me the sniffles!

So which way do we go now?

This way? Or that way?

Let's see what the map says.

It says here we have to take the path to the left.

So, to the left or to the right?

Oh, Tootson, you can't tell your left from your right.

Of course I can.

So which of these paths is the one on the left?

Well, it's obviously the one on the left. You know that as well as I do. Oh,

Tootson, Tootson, I'm going to teach you how to tell left from right once and for

all. You are?

Which hand is the one you don't pick your nose with?

Hmm.

Oh, that one's a... Oh!

Yep. This one, is it?

Wrong. Wrong?

So it's this one?

Correct, Tootsie. You always pick your nose with your right hand, which means

this is your left hand, right?

Oh, that's a really easy way to remember it.

There is a badger in our roof.

Badgery, badger.

Where are we now?

Did we walk off the map?

Did they just forget to draw this part?

Stop it, Tootson. That's not funny. What?

I didn't say a word.

Something's coming.

It's a cow.

Call the animators.

Come and see there is a cow in a tunnel.

Followed by a little doggy.

Did they run away from Penn and Kennel?

Wonder why they've come in here.

Is that dog a bulldog or a cow dog?

Is it dangerous to people?

Are they line dancing or playing leapfrog?

Will they wag their tails or moo?

Will they do?

What on earth was this about?

Was that cow a cowgirl or a cowboy?

Was it dangerous to people?

That was enormously entertaining, don't you think?

What was that?

I'm frightened, Luddywood. Me too.

What are we going to do if the big beast shows up?

We better run ahead of it, just like you did. But what's ahead and what's behind?

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know!

Hurry, Luddywood. It's gaining on us. I'm scared.

It looks like we're almost there. I think it's this way. Luddywood, you've

been saying that for an hour and we're still...

I think I've broken my femur. Should my knee be pointing backwards?

Oh, hang on. I've got two of them.

Chitson. Yeah?

Yeah.

Oh,

the backpack

border.

Let's call for Grandad. See if he'll come out.

Grandad!

Captain Grandad! Captain Tootson!

Maybe he's having a nap.

All right, then, come on. Let's just go inside.

Okay.

Grandad! Captain Tootson! Peek-a-boo!

You don't say peek-a-boo to a real pirate captain.

All right, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to.

It's me granddad.

Save me.

He let me play with it when I was a little boy.

Shiver me timbers. Take that, government.

This is incredible.

This is easier than I thought it would be.

Little sister.

Do not let anyone into that boulder, as even you in charge.

Okay.

I see.

Right.

I'm in charge.

And Dad also wanted to teach me fencing while standing on my head.

Tilson, come over here.

What could this be, do you think?

Looks like some sort of steering wheel.

Great.

Tootson, where the devil are you?

Now, come on out. I know you're there.

Maybe there's some sort of trapdoor or something.

Come out, you two.

Now.

Where did they go?

The North Pole?

Hey Luddy Wood, I've never been this far. You're not Luddy Wood!

Tootson? Tootson?

Hello?

Maybe he's gone to a party?

Catch me now.

We're back in 72.

The captain was telling us a story from the days of his youth when he was a

pirate captain.

A crooked smile on his face to let everybody see one of his right teeth was

a gold tooth.

He would wear his eye patch either this way or that way.

Oh, this is nice.

Huh?

Fish oil.

Fish oil?

Hiya, sailor. Are you here to sample our famous fish oil? No, but thanks all the

same. I'm looking for Captain Tootson, the particularly famous pirate captain.

That old slob, very famous.

That's a good one, mate.

Oh, well, okay. Do you know where he is?

I haven't seen that coward since he took off.

He owes this harbour two buckets of gold.

Coward? Captain Twiston isn't a coward at all. He's famous, no?

Well, let me tell you something about that captain of yours.

Here, have some fish oil.

I just push some buttons, see? Oh, oh. And then...

My

bottom!

Captain

Tootsie... was just a wimpy

little sailor. Gudrun was the real boss.

So who's Gudrun? Gudrun was the actual queen of the seven seas she was. And

that Captain Tootson was just her little lover boy.

Hang on. What was that? You said lover boy?

But all the same, that coward of a captain managed to take off at Gudrun's

treasure, the backpack boulder.

But what are you saying? Captain Tootson took off?

Exactly. And no one has seen that little coward ever since.

Hang about. This can't be true. Are you sure?

Of course. It's on fish tube.

Wanna see it?

Uh, okay.

No, no, no! Go away!

Go away!

The bowler's mine, I tell ya! It belongs to me!

Don't you start your little old fool!

Come back here at once!

Stop doing that!

Took off, he did. And nobody's seen him since. That's... Scallywag.

Oh, that's funny.

I always thought Captain Tootson was an honorable pirate.

He went away for years and not a single word was heard. Then one day he suddenly

surfaced.

Oh,

but the times were tough and there was...

Am I happy to see you?

I'd have been a popsicle if it weren't for you.

I don't get it.

You can't possibly end up in the North Pole just like that, can you?

So if that's the case, where in the world is Luddywood?

Hmm.

I'll press that, maybe. That, that, or that.

Hang on.

Press that.

Buy something special.

Oil from the cloaca of a giant shark that died in 1826 of typhoid goitre.

Oil from a what?

Best in the house.

Was it too strong?

as well. Tootson!

Oh, yuck! Oh, by golly, that is some seriously bad breath, man. Yeah, I've

been to Tropical Island. Did you try to kiss a rotten shark or what?

No, I've been trying to track down Captain Tootson. That's my grandad.

I'm afraid he owes two buckets of gold, and he's not at all brave or famous. Two

buckets of gold?

That's my grandad, all right. Listen to me. At the bar, they said your grandad

was a complete coward.

They even had a film about it.

A film?

God's wallet.

Yeah, you're right.

Probably just special effects.

This is all just insane, isn't it, Luddy Wood?

I've been to the North Pole.

You've been to a tropical island.

How is that even possible?

Yeah, I know. And we still can't find your grandad. I mean, maybe we should

just give up.

Oh, grandad, where are you now that we need you?

What's the matter now?

What the...?

Captain Tootson... ...died?

My grandfather...

Hang on.

On second thoughts, Tudson.

Yeah? Actually, this is good.

Eh? Now we know where he is.

Get ready for your heavenly lunch break.

Nice to see you both.

It's my granddad.

Yes,

we have to keep our voices down here.

My condolences.

Condola, what do you mean?

Oh, no, no, no, no. It's not what you think. You see, we're just passing

through, you know. In that case, I'll tell you that this place is all about

peace and quiet and silent rejoicing.

Awfully boring, if you ask me.

Oh, play your harp and leave me alone.

You have to come down to the tunnel, Captain.

Right away.

Oh, that's not possible, no.

Nobody ever gets out of this place alive.

The good book says so, you know. But we need your help, Grandad. They're going

to throw us out of the tunnel.

Please. Oh, dear.

That is sad.

We got this letter from the government.

Hmm. But there's a name here that's scribbled out.

Gudrun?

Why, I do believe it's Gudrun.

Gudrun, she is... She is an old pirate queen I knew in my youth, as I recall

it. Lover boy.

She isn't the government. She's a phony.

Treacherous and cunning like a hellcat. She's always been after my backpack

boulder.

And you're being thrown out by her?

That's right, Captain.

She tricked you.

It's my boulder she's after.

She must not get hold of the backpack.

Do you hear me?

If Gudrun takes the backpack boulder, she can do anything she wants and get

her hands on anything. Wealth, weapons, power.

She could become the worst dictator the world has ever seen.

Oh, my word.

Gudrun must be stopped.

Count me in. Yes!

Yes! Come on.

Oh, my giddy aunt.

I'm going to enjoy getting out of here.

I can't get into the backpack, Lord Gudrun. And there's an angry badger in

there. What do you mean?

An angry badger?

Yes. What about Captain Tootson? Is he there?

I found Captain Tootson's gravestone. He's dead, Gudrun. The old gravestone

trick.

He's tried that five times already. What do I do now? Hold the fort down.

Secure the area, little sister. I'm almost done here.

And then the boulder will be mine!

In

order

to get out of here, we have to sneak past St. Peter.

Where are the keys?

What in heaven's name?

What in the good book do you think you're up to?

Do you think you can just waltz in here and break all of the heavenly laws just

as you please?

So sorry. You see... We were just... You were just... What?

You were just... Just you wait and see. Our Lord and Savior will set you to

rights. He who has created everything. If anyone can make a fuss, it's him.

Could you excuse me for one moment? Yes, hello?

No, absolutely not. No, out of the question. You have to continue to remain

downstairs.

Yes. And I'll be sending you down three more shortly.

Run! Run!

Hey, stop them!

Oh, you will feel the wrath of heaven.

We'll get you!

I don't know.

And what's happening to your foot?

I don't know.

And your other foot. This is lousy animation. You look so cheap, Tootson.

Look who's talking.

Oh, no, Luddywood. We've become an art animation project.

And now you look like a kindergarten Christmas present.

This is the end, boys.

We are no more.

Oh, it's nice to be back here.

I never thought I would be.

Badger, you saved us.

A badger? There's no time to play with your pet.

We have to stop Gudrun.

And who in the seven seas are you, you landlubber?

Captain Tootson.

I'll have you know, you are vandalising my personal property.

It belongs to the government.

Government? Ha! Tell Gudrun from me. The backpack boulder is mine. She'll never

have it. Now away with you! Help!

Captain Crimson has returned!

We're saved!

Gudrun won't give up without a fight.

What do we do then?

I have a formidable plan.

We're going to move the backpack boulder to the mouth of the tunnel.

Would you look at this?

Someone must have sabotaged the apparatus while I was away in heaven.

Probably just needs a bit of adjustment.

Make yourself useful, boys. You two push the boulder, I'll work on this thing.

Right, push the boulder. Right, you mean pushing it, as in with our hands?

Yes, hop to it.

Oh, yeah, hop to it then, would you, Herman? It needs a bit of brute force.

Yeah, but brute force is just one method, Tootson. Of course, we could use

our brains as well, be smart about it.

Maybe we could use a balloon or something to lift the entire backpack

boulder. Oh, that's clever.

I'd do like that.

Guys, they need help.

Oh,

that's brilliant, Tootsie. We'll make it go downhill.

Genius. Yeah, and to slow it down at the bottom, we could use something sticky

like... I know what you're thinking, but we're absolutely not smearing goo on the

boulder. Huh?

No, no, no. Goo?

I'm thinking glue, glue, glue.

Glue, not goo.

Glue.

Glue.

Glue is not the same as goo.

Goo.

Glue.

Have you two gone completely loopers?

Oh, we're pushing now. We're pushing right away.

Pushy, pushy, Tudson. Pushy, pushy. Pushing here. Push.

You're tipping the entire boulder over the way you're working

I'm sure this isn't legal.

Oh, this has been a coffin for a long time.

Yes, a long time.

Such a long time. Oh, this has been a coffin for a long time.

Ah, now the backpack bald is coming home.

If we want to take the backpack boulder back, we need proper equipment.

My old lover boy may be wimpy, but he can be full of surprises.

Plus, he's got those two weirdos with him as well.

I'll bet those three good-for-nothings are thinking up some new fiendishly

cunning plot just about now.

Yeah, and a removal van could also be a solution.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hello?

Hello? Is that the removal company?

Yes, how do you do, Mr. Removal?

Could you please come here right away?

When

my phone

starts making noises Like a parrot with a flu There's a call I must take right

away When I dial a certain number So your phone squeaks at you

I am trying to reach you and say Hello?

Hello?

How are you today?

Feeling fine.

Doodle-oo.

Doodle-oo, Luddy Wood.

Hello.

Hello. How are you today?

Feeling fine.

Doodle-oo. Doodle-oo, Luddy Wood.

Let's stay on the line. Okay.

Little mice squeak and pretty birds squeak and a windscreen wiper squeaks

and a baby who's happy squeaks too.

Rusty door squeaking rubber duckies and an old man when he speaks. But you know

when your phone squeaks at you.

Hello?

An old landline phone is a good thing to have. Yes, even when it's out

of service.

One thing it's still good for, just grab it by its cord and use it for

hammer throw practice.

Hello. Hello.

How are you today?

Feeling fine.

Toodle-oo.

Toodle-oo, Luddy Wood. Hee hee hee hee hee.

Gudrun coming us with whatever she wants. It's my turn now.

Hey, what kind of devilish mutiny are you two planning?

How come you're not moving the backpack boulder?

We're in a hurry. Get a move on. Aye, Grandad. Aye, aye, Captain.

We've got this. You can count on us. Don't suck up to him like that. Me?

Goodness me. You managed to move it already?

That's very good work, guys.

High five, then, Ludewood.

Boys, over here, look at this. Now, we are preparing to launch the world's most

invincible weapon.

Oh, you mean your ship, right?

You're bringing your pirate ship here, yeah? With guns, and a Jolly Roger, and

four masts full of sails. Oh, yeah!

Hey, that's my granddad, Ludewood.

Just look at what he can do. Just a teeny tiny second.

Captain Tudson, with all due respect, there's absolutely no water here to

float your ship, is there? Pay close attention now.

My magnificent ship was the terror of the seven seas.

And here, here she comes now.

So, your invincible weapon is a banana.

Oops, we must have pressed the wrong button.

Oh, well, as they say, it happens to the best of us.

That doesn't usually happen.

Captain, there's a huge train coming with a skull and crossbones on it.

One minute. Give me one minute. One minute. That's it.

Where is that thing?

I think you need to come out here, Grandad. Maybe we should go inside.

Well, if it isn't my precious lover boy, eh? I'm not your lover boy.

Little Captain Tootson.

Oh, shut your trap, you... you waffler.

Nice. You're not getting away this time.

She's just an old lady. We can't fight an old lady, can we?

What are you saying?

She's a dangerous vampire shark.

Go to battle stations, men. On the double.

Aye, aye, Captain.

Aye, aye. Oh, Captain.

My Captain.

This is it. Sink or swim.

Is that your famous pirate ship?

Oh, look, it is Loverboy's very own little toy

bathtub ship.

Oh, and there is that, dear old dear.

Sister here we go

Pirate fighting with sabers and Japanese karate.

Couldn't splash right up the bottom.

No, I'm done for.

You told me that you were an invincible pirate captain and all that.

Yeah, well, it was just to make you proud of me, Tutzer.

I was bluffing.

I was boasting.

I lied.

Without the backpack boulder, I would be nothing, nothing.

Is it true, Grandad?

Yes.

Now to... No, don't.

Be happy that you even have a granddad at all.

No, my granddad is no pirate.

He's a fake.

A wimp and a coward.

Of the very worst kind.

Make sure the cables are secure.

when this is all over.

May I please leave then?

Don't you start, little sister. You belong to me.

I've done everything you've asked me to.

You are a really awful big sister.

Come on, we've got to do something.

The big beast could scare them off, don't you think?

Yes, yes, yes. We can catch it.

Catch it?

Oh, but we're going to need bait.

Bait? You could be the bait.

No way.

Am I going to be bait? Well, it's a great idea. The beast will come for you

right away.

Oh, because I'm so good looking or what?

Nah, according to my mirror, I'm a lot better looking than you are. I'm not.

I'm two. I'm not. I'm two.

Not. I'm two.

I'm two. Nope. I'm two. No way. I'm two. You're not. I am Tootson, so I should be

the bait.

All right, then.

What the farting goblins is that stuff?

Well, it's badger perfume, isn't it? A real actual cord.

Just in case you're not handsome enough.

No need. I'm plenty more handsome.

Si, why is poor Luddy Wood being served up on a platter?

At last!

This really stinks.

All of this is my fault.

We might as well go straight back to heaven.

This is where we pause the film. Why stop it now, Looney Wood?

It's really very exciting.

Well, so far, the plot of this film has been pretty normal, with a more or less

acceptable moral to the story. So at this point, we have three alternative

endings to choose from. Three?

What do you mean? Oh, yes, Tootson. A nice one. Nice one. A sad one. Sad one.

And a likely one. Really? Let's begin with the nice one.

Oh.

Gudrun and Captain Tootson rekindle their romance.

They get married, kissing and cuddling for the rest of their days. Oh, that's

lovely. I really like this one. The big beast marries Badgerow, and they have 70

crazy kids.

You and I get married, too.

All right, but I want Badgerow for me bridesmaid.

And then there's the sad ending.

Okay. Gudrun defeats the big beast. She opens her own zoo.

Oh, no. Where she forces Captain Tootson to perform a daily pirate show.

And far, far off in a remote tunnel, Two tunnel dwellers choke on old licorice

and die. What? They die?

Oh, this doesn't sound like a nice family movie, does it, Luddy Wood? And

then there's the likely ending.

Everybody wanted to see the film about the big beast, but they didn't want to

pay for it. They wanted to wait until they could watch it for free. But by

then, it had been forgot.

and was only being shown in art house student film clubs. Oh, really,

Luddywood? Now you're just being weird. Stop this right away.

Well, it could really happen, you know. Give me the remote. I don't have any

remote. Yes, you do. Give it here. Push that button. Oh, okay.

No, no, maybe that one.

Grandad. You're still the very bestest grandad in the world, you know.

There's simply no other grandad who can lie like you do.

And that's good.

Really good.

And you could be my grandad too, if you like.

Would you allow me to be?

Yes, of course you can be. Can't he, Tootson?

You know, Luddy Wood, I've been around the block a few times in my ute.

So it's actually not that far-fetched that I am your grandpa.

Come to think about it, it's really quite possible.

And I wouldn't be much surprised to find that I'm your grandma as well.

Feeling like a thousand butterflies are racing in my tummy.

You'd almost think we've had a meal.

Dreams are coming true, today's the day. And it's going to be so yummy.

Turton's so excited he could squeal. You are not sure you are. Now the stage is

set, I walk up to the mic stand.

Everybody's eyes are on me.

I'll be horses at the backing girls. My hand guitars are more cool. But

listen to the people cheer.

It's so groovy you can rock the world with Cherry Jam for Maker.

Can you feel the hour drawing near?

Oh, great.

That good-for-nothing Badgerow has been in the... Badgerow!

Badgerow! Come down and clear this up right away!

It's Christmas only once a year

It is my turn today I walk up to the mic stand

Everybody's eyes are on me And I'll be dumb and dandy

Feeling very smart now

now now

back in 17 the captain tricks and was telling us a story from the days of his

youth when he was a pirate captain a crooked smile on his face to let

everybody see one of his right teeth was a gold tooth he would wear his eye patch

either this way or that way

And I'm too happy about the royal greetings of capital citizen.

And they sent him letters expressing their vexation.

He read them, everyone, and sent his brief reply in the smartphone message

just the way he was used to.

And thus he gained his worldwide reputation.

He went away for years and not a single word was heard. Then one day he suddenly

surfaced with a kid's bag full of gold and stinky undies.

Oh, but the times were tough and there was no honest work for a tried and

trusted sailor. He stared into space and longed for the open seas.

And the weather he liked the best was the northerly wind from southwest.

He's appearing in the hearts of men.

And then it disappeared again.

Luddy Wood?

Yes? Did I tell you about the time when Captain Tootson learned to play the

banjo with his knees?

Yes, you did.

Luddy Wood? Yes? Did I tell you of when Captain Tootson learned how to swim

underwater? But he stayed under for so long, he developed gills.

Yes, you did.

Oh.

Luddy Wood, Luddy Wood. Yes, what is it now?

Did I tell you about when Captain Tootson was in Iceland, right? And he

sat down in the hot tub, right? And all the Icelanders suddenly went, what is

all that awful farting? And it was Captain Tootson. And all of a sudden,

they had the world's very first jacuzzi.

Yes, you told me.

Luddy Wood, did I tell you about when Captain Tootson landed on a deserted

island? And he had to sit down, right? Because he was tired. But he sat right

on top of a pirate's treasure. And it was huge.

And the island was cursed, so a bunch of skeletons were coming for him, and they

were like... And he was like... But luckily, he had his pistol, right? So he

just shot up all the skeletons.

And then the treasure was his, and everybody was like, Captain Tootsin is a

really cool guy!

Did I tell you about that? Yes. Oh.

Oh, Luddy Wood! Luddy Wood! Yes, what is it? What is it? Did I tell you about

when Captain Tootsin skipped a day of the week? Right, he just... skipped

Thursday, and it was Friday all of a sudden, and everybody was like, woo-hoo

-hoo, cool, extra long weekend. I know, I haven't heard that one before.

Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, but now I've heard it. Oh, okay.