Original subtitles

Thank you.

Your Highness, please allow me to make this little contribution.

No, I cannot accept them.

But think of what these could do for your cause.

Even though I know those pearls would mean freedom for many of my people, I

will not take them.

Please, please.

These could save the lives of many men.

The men of my country are proud.

They would die rather than have their prince accept charity.

Then think of the lives of the women.

The mothers, those who... The women of my country fight alongside the men.

They are also too proud to accept charity.

Then consider the lives of the children.

The innocent children.

But for the children...

Thank you.

She's the blonde in the blue sequined dress.

Extremely rich.

very married, eminently corruptible and a willing infidel.

Perfect.

0,

0, 14, 14, 3, 4,

3, 4, 3, 4, 3, 4, 3, 4, 3,

4,

3,

Monsieur Andre, would you see what you can get for this, please?

Not the royal ring, your highness.

Do you want the whole world to know?

Excuse me. Is that man actually royalty?

No, madame.

Would you call him your highness?

It was a faux pas. Please forget it. You can trust me. I won't tell.

Madame, I am the police chief of Beaumont-sur-Mer.

What makes you Americans think you can buy anyone at any price? Oh, I'm so

sorry.

I've already caused the prince enough.

The prince.

He sounded like he was in trouble. Perhaps I can help.

If you really want to help, forget everything that you have seen and heard.

Forget the very existence of that brilliant.

Your Highness.

Your Highness, don't be alarmed. I can be trusted.

Are you one of my subjects?

No, I'm an American, Fanny Eubanks of Omaha.

I couldn't help overhearing. If you're in trouble in there somewhere, I can

help. Thank you, but I cannot accept.

You've already risked too much just in speaking to me. I still want to help.

You must understand, I have powerful enemies.

They may be watching even as we... My God, you're attractive.

It's late.

I must go.

Has he left?

Yes, just a moment to go.

Good.

You must tell me where he lives.

I feel it only fair to warn you. I know. He told me he has powerful enemies.

There may also be an emotional risk.

You see, his highness has been a widower for five years.

For five years?

Please, your highness.

Fanny.

The freedom fighters, thank you.

This is for the overhead.

This goes to you, Arthur.

This goes to you, Andre.

This goes to me, which means it's time to go to Zurich.

Excuse me.

May I sit here, please?

If you like.

Thank you.

Good evening, sir.

Would you like to see the menu? Oh, yes.

I'm starving.

Really starving.

Precious. I think I'll just have some water.

Water?

Yes.

Only water? But you seem so hungry.

I'm saving my money for something special.

My mother.

Your mother?

Well... She's not really my mother, actually. She's my grandmother, but she

raised me.

My real parents didn't want me.

Oh, I'm sorry.

But my grandmother is a wonderful woman. She has a laugh that can make the birds

sing.

But she's been quite ill lately, and the hospital bill's a bit adding up.

I just want to do my share.

It's kind of tough for me because I was never very good with money. I just

seemed to take whatever the Red Cross pays me and I just give it right back to

them.

I am going to help my gram-gram.

She is the one who taught me it is better to be truthful and good than

to not.

Waiter? What are you doing?

Waiter?

Give this man whatever he wants. Oh, I can't let you buy me a meal.

Nonsense.

I'll have a double turkey sandwich on white, a side order of fries, one of

those large knockwares, three bags of potato chips, a chocolate milk, and two

beers. Why don't you have a beer? Three beers.

Thank you.

I had a first-class ticket.

Does that bother you?

No.

I love to love you in the night. I couldn't help overhearing your

conversation in the dining car.

My condolences to your grandmother.

Huh? Oh!

Oh.

Didn't you say she was taken ill?

I tell them what they want to hear, forgets me what I want.

Rather a shabby trick, isn't it?

I can tell you've got a lot to learn about women.

Yes, I'm afraid I am a bit naive when it comes to the weaker sex.

Freddie Benson.

And you are?

Lawrence Jameson.

You're married, aren't you?

You can tell.

Listen.

We're the weaker sex.

Men don't live as long as women. We get more heart attacks, more strokes, more

prostate trouble.

I say it's time for a change.

I say let them give us money. Let's live off them for a while.

That probably shocks a guy like you, right?

Well, it's rather a revolutionary thought.

Do you really think it's possible?

Look what I did in the dining car.

She gave me 100 francs. That's like 20 bucks.

Do you have any idea what it feels like to take a woman for 20 bucks?

No, I haven't.

I'm afraid it's a little out of my class.

What? It's too bad.

Could have had a blast on the Riviera.

You're headed for the Riviera?

Yeah, there's a little town there supposed to be crawling with rich women.

Oh? And what town is that?

Uh, Beaumont-sur-Mer.

Beaumont-sur-Mer?

I'm afraid you've been misinformed.

Beaumont used to be a lively spot, but it's been taken over now by older,

retired couples.

It's quite dead.

Older, retired couples? Are you sure?

Yes, I lived there.

I'm considered to be the town's playboy.

Now, all the social activity has gone to the Italian Riviera, Portofino.

Still doesn't hurt to check it out. Some of these sleepy towns really pay off.

Would you excuse me?

I have to phone my wife and children.

I always like to let them know exactly what time I'm arriving.

They really got you on a leash, don't they?

Well...

Here we are.

Older, retired couples?

You ever ride into town?

Yes, I have. Great, you can give me a lift.

Do you have a hotel room?

I never make reservations.

Excuse me, is this train going to Portofino?

Yes, it is. But we're getting off, right?

Scusi.

We're getting off, right?

Oh.

Gee.

How far up is Portofino?

Portofino?

It's about 170 kilometers.

I live there.

No. Yes.

Come and stay with me. You can always go to Portofino later.

I would love to, but my grandmother's there, and she's expecting me.

Your grandmother is living in Portofino?

Yes. Actually, she's quite ill.

Oh. Well, good luck.

Give my best to your grandmother.

I hope her health improves.

Ciao. Ciao.

Ciao.

Your phone call did not give me much

time. Marion was perfect.

Make sure she gets back all right, Andre.

May I ask why she was necessary?

I needed a decoy. There was this idiot sharing my compartment who fancied

himself as a bit of a player.

Said he was going to do some hunting in my Beaumont-sur-Mer.

Monsieur Lawrence, you can afford to dismiss such amateurs.

Surely it was no match for you. You can't be too careful, Andre. After all,

a poacher who shoots at rabbits may scare big game away.

And, Laurence, listen to this.

A clever young American con artist, nicknamed the Jackal, has been working

Western Europe.

It is in the papers.

How clever can he be?

Now to business.

Christa Knudsen.

Widow of Lars Knudsen, the Danish match king.

She left the Excelsior Hotel in Genoa at 0740 hours this morning in a white

Ferrari. She should be arriving at approximately... Aha!

Here she is now.

Well, listen, I would very much like to help you, Grandmother. Oh, no.

I got some money. Oh, no.

Yes. No, I wouldn't accept... That's strange.

There's a young man with her.

Please, I insist.

I insist.

I'm going to pay you back.

He's a poacher?

Yes.

And he's no longer satisfied with rabbits.

Monsieur police inspector, can you arrange something for me?

I'm going to pay you back, though. I'm mad at you. As usual.

Bonjour.

Bonjour.

Bonjour.

Hey, encore, encore.

Have you seen enough mrs. Not saying that money was

supposed to go toward an operation for his grandmother

He's a confidence man, a trickster.

Will Madame sound the complaint?

Gladly.

I'm telling you, I didn't steal any money from her. She gave it to

me. Then she filed this complaint against you, monsieur. She caught me

with another woman. Come on, you're French, you understand that?

To be with another woman, that is French.

To be caught, that is American.

All right, what am I going to do? How am I going to get out of here?

Well, it's very difficult.

The charge is a serious one. And you are a vagrant, an unknown.

I'm not a vagrant!

This is my point!

I know somebody here.

I met him on a train. His name is...

His name is James...

No, his name is...

James Josephson. No, no, no. James Lawrence. Lawrence. Lawrence.

Lawrence.

Lawrence Fells. Lawrence Fangs.

Forrest Lawrenston.

Lawrence.

Lawrence.

Lawrence.

Lawrence. Lawrence.

Lawrence.

Lawrence.

His name is James Jessington.

Lawrence Feltz. Lawrence Jesserton.

Lawrence Jesserton.

Lawrence Jemison.

Yes! Yes!

Yes!

We're like this.

Freddie, this is really very serious.

They don't treat gigolos lightly in France.

What do you mean?

Well, up until 75 years ago, they were still castrating.

Don't say that word.

What do they do now?

Well, that depends who the judge is.

Oh,

Judge Renault.

I got about $900.

No, no, no, no. I know this chap. He'll want at least $5,000. $5,000? I don't

have $5,000. Can you get it?

I have it at home. I could fly home and I could mail him a check. I promise.

Okay.

Inspector? Yes?

Is it possible... No,

no, no, not possible.

Hey, look at that.

He says you can go.

He's got to have the rest of the money within 48 hours. Yes, yes, yes.

Or he'll submit your name to Interpol. And you'll never be able to travel in

Europe again.

That's fine, that's fine. Come on, thank you, thank you, thank you.

Lawrence Jameson.

You know,

I'm pretty good at sizing people up, and I think you are one terrific guy.

I suppose I get pleasure from helping people like you out.

I see you know his highness.

Who?

The prince.

The prince?

I saw him shake your hand and pat you on the back.

No kidding.

And you are?

Fanny Eubanks.

Fanny Eubanks?

Of Omaha?

Of Omaha.

You don't have to cover up with me.

It may be my money that's financing your mission.

You're financing my mission?

Perhaps His Highness has mentioned me.

Oh, Lady Fanny of Omaha.

He called me Lady Fanny?

Oh, yes, Lady Fanny of Omaha. He speaks of you with great affection.

Drinks. Thank you.

You have done a wonderful thing.

Sir, excuse me, I'm very sorry, sir, but the man said it was urgent.

What man?

The courier, sir. He's waiting outside.

He said you would recognize the secret password.

What secret password?

Lady Fanny of Omaha.

Could you take this to the guest bedroom and see that everything is neatly

pressed?

Go ahead, Arthur.

Wow!

Wow!

Wow! All I can say is wow!

What an asshole I was telling you how to take women.

All right.

How much do you want?

Oh, your highness, I don't want money from a man who needs every penny to free

his enslaved people.

I don't want money. I want you to teach me.

I'm in your hands.

You can't be serious.

Larry. Lawrence.

All my life, I wanted to be the best at something, and I thought I was the best

until I met you.

I mean, I never realized how far you could go with this scamming thing.

You've opened my eyes.

Freddie, this scamming thing, as you put it, took me years to perfect.

I got time.

Why should I help you?

Guy with my mouth could ruin a lot of business around here for you

What

sort of an education did you have

High school diploma and you majored in

metal shop

All right.

I'll do it.

I'll teach you, I'll set you up, and I'll pay you a percentage.

Great! But with this one understanding.

I run this operation, and you do as I say.

Great!

Classes begin after lunch.

I have a plan for this jackal.

There is a man who owes me a favor. René the Knife. He is a master with his

stiletto and an absolute magician at hiding a body.

Andre. As police inspector, I give you my word the case will be investigated in

a very slipshod manner.

Stop worrying, Andre. I tell you, it is a mistake to take him in. I am taking

him in gracefully in order to get him out gracefully.

Peace.

Well done.

I look great, don't I? I know the moves.

Yes, Freddy, you're ready.

But remember our agreement. I'm in charge. You do exactly as I say.

Exactly as you say.

I

feel

like a kept man.

I'm sorry.

I'm going straight to Andre and tell him to tear up the check immediately.

Oh, no, you can't.

I paid the 100,000 francs in cash.

Damn.

Please don't be mad at me.

He said he wouldn't let you leave unless I paid off your loan.

What else did he say?

He told me how you needed that money for your country to help out the communists.

He's just such a noble cause.

Oh, please don't be angry with me.

Pretty please.

Here comes a big man.

There's that smile.

Daddy says we're going to have the biggest wedding Tulsa's ever seen.

When do you think we could fly back?

Perhaps we should go by ship.

Ruprecht loves the water.

Ruprecht? Yes, Ruprecht.

Didn't I tell you about him?

Ruprecht is my brother.

You have a brother?

Yes, the young prince.

You mean I'm going home with two princes?

Wherever I go, Ruprecht goes too.

Well, when do I meet him?

Well, he's in his room even as we speak.

Would you like to meet him right now?

I would love to.

doing out here?

His quarters are here.

I

think

I should warn you that Rupert is well, uh, special.

Ruprecht, it is I, your brother.

No sudden moves.

You've been banging on your pots again, haven't you?

I told you, if you keep on doing it, you won't have any pots left.

All right.

Cuddly, cuddly.

Oh, Ruprecht.

Ruprecht. Don't do that.

Ruprecht. No.

He is very affectionate.

Now, come along.

Now, I want you to meet this nice lady.

Mother? No, this isn't your mother.

That mother?

No. But I have wonderful news.

Miss Trumbull and I are going to be married.

And we are going to live in Oklahoma.

Really? Oh, dear.

Ruprecht?

Ruprecht!

Ruprecht!

We have a guest.

What do we do for guests?

What did we do when Uncle Ted was here?

No, Ruprecht.

Ruprecht, no.

After that.

We apologize.

Ruprecht?

Ruprecht? Do you want the genital cuff?

Don't worry, Ruprecht. We won't go anywhere without you.

You'll enjoy Oklahoma's wide open spaces.

He loves to run and run and run.

Not mother?

No, Ruprecht. She's not our mother.

Go on, Diana. You were saying?

Well, I think that the boy... Ruprecht!

May I take your trident, sir? Yes.

Now, Diana, as you were saying, you don't think the poor should be allowed

in museums.

I think the poor... Ruprecht, don't take the cork off the fork.

Why is the cork on the fork?

To prevent him hurting himself and others.

Oh.

Ruprecht, eat your applesauce.

Ruprecht, we have wonderful news.

Diana and I are going to be married.

And we're all going to live in Palm Beach.

Rupert!

Eat your food.

Excuse me.

May I go to the bathroom first?

Of course you may.

Driving relaxes me, Rick.

Oh, Lawrence, this is the happiest day of my life.

I think my testicles are dropping.

It's been a very good month, chaps.

Now we've got 20% for the overhead.

For you, Arthur, it's 10%. Thank you, sir.

15% for you, Andre.

Nice work.

And the rest is for me.

Au revoir, Andre.

Excuse me?

What about me? What do I get?

You are the student, Freddy. You get knowledge.

Wait a minute. I did most of the work. I should get my share of the cash.

Freddie, I wouldn't dream of giving you your share without being certain that

you would spend it wisely on beauty and culture.

I've got culture coming out of my ass.

Spending money is a responsibility, Freddie.

All right, all right. How am I supposed to spend my money?

Now, all these wines are very old.

I purchased them to make certain that they were cared for properly.

So you've got a lot of wine to drink. You can't drink them, Freddie. They're

far too valuable.

So you sell them?

I'd never sell them. They mean too much to me.

In Europe, Freddy, gardens take centuries to grow and cultivate.

This one was about to die until Mrs. Everson's brooch paid for its

preservation. What's the angle?

There is no angle, Freddy.

I rescued this from certain destruction.

and donated it to the museum.

Just looking at it feeds my soul.

May I say something here?

Of course.

Are you kidding me or what?

I don't get it.

You want me to spend my money on wine you can't drink and a garden that,

frankly to me, looks like a big mowing headache.

Now, it's true. That is a sculpture of a naked woman, and I can appreciate that.

But otherwise, you have got to be joking.

You agreed to do what I say.

Yes, but I didn't agree to you telling me how to spend my money, and I didn't

agree to playing Ruprecht the Monkey Boy all the time.

I'm going it alone.

Freddie,

you've still so much to learn.

No, thanks.

I was doing great with my own look. I don't need these clothes.

I don't need your instructions.

You taught me what you know. Great.

Thanks. Thanks a yahoo. I'm getting out of this town.

Good luck.

Well, the jackal has finally tucked his tail between his legs and crawled away.

Good. Then it is business as usual, huh?

Au revoir, Andre.

Oh, miss.

Miss.

Excuse me. Do you know where I can pick up a copy of the Wall Street Journal?

I'm trying to find out the latest stock prices to see how my takeover bid is

going. You know, it's so hard to get the stock prices around here.

Au revoir.

What are you doing here?

You know, that's a funny story.

I was at the train station.

Ticket in hand.

And I said to myself, what am I leaving this place for? I love me here.

So I'll be around a little bit more. Lucky you.

Freddy.

Freddy.

Freddy.

There simply isn't enough room for both of us to work Beaumont, your mayor.

You know what I think?

I think you're scared.

Of what? Me, competition. You've been top dog in this town for so long, you

think you own the place.

Nice. Believe me, Freddy, I'm not afraid of you.

Sure you are, and you should be.

I'm younger than you.

I'm better looking than you.

I'm thinner than you.

I could kick your ass off this hill in a New York minute.

And I could have you arrested again.

And I could always call Lady Fanny of Omaha.

Freddy, there's a younger man.

I was a sculptor, a painter, and a musician.

There was just one problem.

I wasn't very good.

Matter of fact, I was dreadful.

I finally came to the frustrating conclusion that I had taste and style,

not talent.

I knew my limitations.

We all have our limitations, Freddie.

Fortunately, I discovered that taste and style... The commodities that people

desire.

Freddy, what I'm saying is, know your limitations.

You are a moron.

You've been trying to get me out of this town ever since I came here.

I'll tell you what.

We'll make a bet. If I lose, I'll leave.

If I win, you leave.

All right, Freddy.

Suppose we try this.

We find a woman, set a price.

and the first man to extract the correct amount from her wins.

But if you... But if you lose, you not only leave town

graciously, you promise never to come back to Beaumont-sur-Mer again.

Done. Who's the woman?

Charles? Yes, monsieur.

Who is that?

Miss Janet Colgate, monsieur.

Who is she?

I believe she is the United States soap queen.

Thank you, Charles.

Okay,

how much?

She's a little young, isn't she?

Out of your league?

I'll make it easy for you. $50,000.

$50,000?

Out of your league.

All right.

I could use $50,000.

First one to get $50,000 out of her.

May the best man win.

Thank you.

She is at the roulette table.

Just waiting for Johannes.

And Freddy?

He has dropped it from side.

But Mr. Jekyll finally realizes he's no match for the lion, huh?

Keep your eyes open, Andre.

He'll turn up.

There's nothing here.

Thank you.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Sorry, ma'am. Excuse me. Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Pardon me.

Hi.

Thank you.

Sorry.

Excuse me.

Thank you.

Pardon me, miss.

Would you mind placing a bet for me?

As you can see, it's terribly difficult for me to reach the table.

Sure. What number would you like?

The way my luck's been running.

Would you pick a number for me?

I could use all the luck I can get.

Yes. Would you ask the gentleman if he could advance me a few dollars on this,

please?

I am sure he can not, monsieur.

That's fine. Thank you.

Maybe I can help you.

Just that that was my last chance.

Your last chance for what?

My last chance for an operation.

Well, shouldn't the Navy pay for your operation?

It's not for me.

It's for my grandmother.

I just got word from the hospital that she's in pretty bad shape, and if they

don't operate soon, she might...

I'm sorry. I don't even know you, and here I am bothering you with my

problems. Oh, please don't feel that way.

Why don't you just tell me what they are?

Just one stroke of bad luck after another.

Andre?

10 000 francs it's almost two thousand dollars i don't

know how to thank you but i want you to know

that you have saved the life of a wonderful person you are

a wonderful person thank you you're welcome

freddie

Would an operation help you?

No.

My problem isn't physical.

It's emotional.

Really?

I'm on six weeks MTL.

Mental trauma leave.

What happened?

Well, I was engaged to a girl back in the States.

And we loved to dance.

We wanted to be professionals.

Isn't that silly?

And we got an opportunity to perform on TV on Dance USA.

And we decided that if we won, we'd get married.

So we went on, and we danced, and we won.

Oh, great.

And in the excitement, we got separated.

So I went back to the studio, and there they were.

Naked.

Dancing.

And then they stopped.

And they made love.

Right there on the dance floor.

Who was she with?

Danny Terrio, the host of Dance USA.

I'm sorry.

In the morning, I woke up, and my legs were useless.

Numb. Oh, my God.

I couldn't walk.

Oh, my God.

Well, surely someone can help you.

Yeah, there is, but... What?

There's this psychiatrist.

Dr. Emil Schiffhausen of the Schiffhausen Clinic in Liechtenstein.

Why don't you go to him?

Schiffhausen is in demand all over the world.

He gets astronomical fees.

It's just not something I can handle.

What do you mean by astronomical?

$50,000.

That is a lot of money.

Freddie, are you okay?

Oh, God.

They're dancing.

They're dancing.

Freddie, we are going up to my room right now and right to Dr. Schofhausen.

Oh, God. They're dancing.

Take me from this place.

Oh, God.

I wish you hadn't written these things about me to Dr.

Schufhausen. You make me sound like a hero. Well, they're true, aren't they?

Yes.

Still, you shouldn't have promised him the money. Where am I going to get $50

,000? You leave that to me, Freddy. When the time comes, I promise you, you'll

have it.

Now, I'm going downstairs to mail this letter, and I'll be right back.

Janet.

Thank you.

Number one, number one, number one, number one.

Dr.

Schaffhausen.

Dr. Emil Schaffhausen.

Dr. Schaffhausen.

Dr. Emil Schaffhausen.

Dr. Schaufhausen?

Yes, Fraulein.

What a coincidence!

This is a miracle!

I just wrote you a letter about someone who needs your help.

Good.

I look forward to reading it when I get back to my clinic.

Auf Wiedersehen.

What?

Goodbye.

Could I just talk to you for a minute right now?

Please. I am on my vacation.

It's about an American naval officer, Fred Benson.

You saw him. He was right next to you at the roulette table.

Benson, Benson. In the wheelchair.

Is he the one who wrote me all those letters?

Something about his fiancée running off with a dancer?

That's the one, and he's right here in the hotel.

I hate to disturb you while you're on vacation, Dr. Schofhausen, but...

Can I just get you to take a look at him? I'm sorry for... What is your name?

Janet Colgate.

Janet? Oh.

I'm sorry, Janet, but if I see your friend Benson, I have to see everyone.

I must draw the line somewhere.

But if it's a matter of money, I've... You haven't given him any money, have

you? Just a little bit, for his grandmother's operation.

Don't give him any more money.

You see, his ego has taken one shattering blow from a woman.

And if he accepts charity from a woman, that is another blow.

It makes my work so much harder. Does that mean you'll see him?

All right, I'll see him.

That's wonderful!

But remember what I said.

No money for him. If I do decide to take this case, you must pay the fee directly

to me.

You understand?

Absolutely.

All right.

Where is the boy?

Boy, oh boy, you can really get lost in one of these big places.

I have a wonderful surprise for you.

What? Cover your eyes.

You are a nut.

Go on.

Now, who is the one person in this world, outside of your grandmother, that

you would like most to see right at this moment?

I give up. Who?

Dr. Emil Schofhausen.

At last we meet, Officer Benson.

After all those letters, I feel that I know you.

He can't believe it's really you.

Yes, I think that's it.

I am here to help you, my boy.

Great.

Let's have a look at those legs, shall we?

So, you are numb from the waist down.

Is that correct?

Yes, sir.

Completely numb.

No feeling whatsoever.

That's right.

Well, you won't be feeling Mr. Piggy then, will you?

No.

Tell me if you feel this.

Tiggle, tiggle, tiggle.

No. No.

We must try something else.

Something a little more stringent.

Tell me, do you feel this?

No.

How about...

Set. Nothing. Nothing.

Watch yourself, Janet.

Pick a little bit.

Thank you.

How about this?

Nothing.

Any feelings there?

No?

This case intrigues me, Janet.

I will take Officer Benson as a patient.

Did you hear that, Freddy?

I am renting a villa in this area. We will move him in, and I will really go

to work on him. Oh, thank you, Doctor.

Do you really think you can get him to walk again?

Oh, I will have him running, jumping, shouting, screaming.

Oh, my name isn't Doctor Emil Schaffhausen.

Look,

Doctor, he's so happy, he's crying.

Mrs. Reed, I didn't recognize you for the moment. How wonderful to see you.

Protector of the Veldt.

What a pleasant surprise.

How was your mission to Bella Havila?

It was a great success, thanks to you.

I feel so proud.

Mrs. Reed, may I present Lady Janet. Lady Janet, this is Mrs. Reed.

How do you do?

Hello.

Your Highness.

Yes. Your accent.

I'm traveling incognito. Oh, I see.

How are the freedom fighters?

Oh, Lady Janet is one of us.

Oh, wonderful.

And... Oh, this is my royal adjutant, General Benson.

How do you do?

Charmed. Your Highness... Let's have lunch, Mrs. Reed.

Oh, thank you, Your Highness.

I will telephone you.

Oh, please.

One of my former patients.

Unfortunately incurable.

Freddy, isn't this beautiful?

I can't believe this is really happening.

He's sacrificing his vacation and sharing his villa. This is incredible.

Arthur, this is Miss Colgate. She will be staying at the hotel.

But Officer Benson here will be staying with us.

Please don't worry. You are close to my room. I shall keep my eyes on you night

and day.

May I show you the villa? It has a fascinating history.

Welcome to hell.

This is so beautiful.

Janet, we haven't discussed my fee yet.

It will be $50,000.

Yes, I'll have to call my father.

I wish I could make it lower, but the clinic would never allow that. Oh, I

understand. Let me show you the rest of the villa. Okay.

What about Freddy?

Freddy, go to your room.

I'd like to come upstairs too.

Of course you would.

Come on.

He can.

Yes, he can. It's all in his mind.

It seems so cruel.

Trust me, I'm a doctor.

I will show you some music room.

Oh my goodness.

Isn't this beautiful?

I love all these old musical instruments.

This music box, this is my favorite.

Listen.

In the old days, people used to dance to this.

Come on.

I heard the music, and I pulled myself up the stairs, and then I saw you and

him dancing!

The more he sees us dance, the more he will get used to it.

It's awful to see us like this, isn't it?

Jonathan, you arrived.

Now he can't see us.

No pity. I know this is difficult, but it is only through our strength that

Freddy will find his.

I have a splendid day planned for Freddy.

But I need your help for his therapy to be successful. Of course.

You will sit here. Thank you.

I will sit here.

And Freddy will sit there.

Aha. Sir, Officer Benson is not in his room. I found this on the bed.

Thank you, Arthur.

I've lost hope.

Would you please see that my grandmother gets my insurance, and if my body's

washed ashore, that my remains are cremated and tossed over the Suwannee

River?

He's gonna drown himself!

There he is, Doctor!

Sit down, sit down.

It's a bluff to gain sympathy.

Pretend to enjoy yourself.

Laugh out loud.

Louder.

He's looking to keep laughing.

Excuse me, sir. The man is here with your satellite dish.

What satellite dish?

I'll be right back.

What would I want for the satellite dish?

Don't make me crawl around you. This sand is too hot. Then just stop where

you are.

And then what?

When you're not looking, I will come down here and I will do it right.

Then I'm not going to leave you.

I'm going to get Dr.

Schofausen.

Janet. Janet.

Janet!

Not him.

He hates me. He's trying to torture me. He doesn't hate you.

He may seem strict.

But he's just trying to help you. Don't make me go back there. Can't we just

stay here a little bit longer?

Please?

Well...

Just

as I thought.

I'm sorry I was so depressed this morning.

It's just that...

Last night, I had a dream about her.

Oh.

I remember how I used to stare at her and just

sit and touch her face like this.

That is so sweet.

She was the first girl I ever kissed. Really?

And now?

I will probably never kiss another girl for the rest of my life.

Freddie, that is ridiculous.

You are an attractive and exciting and sensitive man. I'm sure there are a

million women who would love to kiss you.

I want to ask you a question, and I want you to be completely honest with me.

Okay.

Am I attractive and exciting to you?

Miss Colgate?

May I talk to you, please?

Janet, I am dropping this case. Oh, no, please don't.

I know I shouldn't have done it. It's just that I felt so sorry for him.

You heard that awful story about his girlfriend and the dancer.

How did that make you feel?

It made me physically sick. Oh, then please help him. Please, please, please.

All right.

I will.

Thank you.

But, Janet, we must hide our pity.

You and I must be his role model.

We must enjoy ourselves so much that Freddy will literally want to jump out

of the wheelchair and join us.

I'll try, Doctor, but it won't be easy.

I will be there to help you.

How much of this can he stand?

Don't show any pity.

Look happy. Enjoy yourself. Are you sure?

Yes. Go, go.

Isn't she fabulous?

Wouldn't you like to dance with her?

What's stopping you? Get out of that chair and dance with the girl.

Okay? You just want to sit there and miss all the fun?

Oi!

Oi, mate!

Who's the arsehole? Get up and dance, he says.

I like to smack in one.

I wouldn't mind so much.

She used to be my girl.

If I could just get her alone, I think I could have a chance.

But he's always around.

I have another idea.

It was Love that put him in that chair.

Perhaps Love could get him out.

Would you mind if I gave you a little kiss?

Well, if you think that it would help.

Yes, I think it would help, okay?

Okay. Right.

That piece of shit.

What do you reckon?

Hey! Oi!

There's a transport plane leaving for Honduras at one o'clock tonight.

How do you like your friend to be on it?

I'll be right back.

Think happy thoughts.

Doctor, do you think that the therapy is working?

Yes, I am terribly pleased. Good.

I'm sorry about the delay in paying your fee.

I should have it by tomorrow. It just took longer than I thought it would to

raise the money.

You had to raise the money?

Well... The cash prize wasn't quite enough, so I had my father sell off the

car and the furniture and all the jewelry.

What cash prize?

From the contest.

You know, I was selected as the United States soap queen.

That's why I'm on this all-expense-paid trip to Europe.

Your father doesn't own the United States soap company?

No!

I just use their laundry detergent.

You see, I entered their contest, and then I won.

You barely know Freddy, but you'd sell everything you owned for him? Well,

that's not everything.

I'm keeping the mink.

Is that wrong?

Besides, knowing I helped a man like Freddy be able to live his life again,

it's worth more to me than the car or the furniture or all the jewelry. I

really couldn't ask for a better price than that.

I never knew that people like you existed.

You are generous, sincere.

You are wonderful.

Thank you.

Well, good night.

Freddy, get it into your head.

The bet's off.

She hasn't got the money. You know what it sounds like to me? It sounds like

you're trying to get out of the bet. If you're trying to get out of the bet,

fine. Then you lose and you leave town.

Fine. But she has the money. Only by selling everything she owns.

Oh, come on. She's keeping the mink. I mean, if we take it for everything, she

still comes out of it with a very, very nice mink.

Freddy, the women I deal with are carefully screened. They're wealthy and

corrupt.

I never take advantage of the poor or the virtuous.

All right.

All right, we'll forget about the money, but the bet is still on. We'll think up

a whole new bet. All right, what is the bet? A completely new bet. Yes, we'll

think of one.

We'll make her the bet.

What do you mean?

What do you think I... First one to get her into bed.

Don't you ever have an emotion that originates above the waist?

No!

Let me tell you something, Freddy.

And this is for certain.

A woman like Janet would never give herself to a man like you.

What?

What?

You actually believe that? I know that, Freddy.

Do you want to bet?

All right, Freddy, I'll bet. But I'm not competing to win.

I'm just betting that you fail.

Loser leaves town. Loser leaves town.

I say.

I say.

What do you want?

You're blocking my gate.

You'll have to see the captain.

He's in the back of the truck.

Now look here.

This is private property, you know. Just see the captain in the back.

Captain? Which one of you is...

you'll be all right oh yeah she said she'd meet me here wish me luck

freddy

i thought dr shelf hasn't took you home Yeah, well, he did. I couldn't sleep.

I have to talk to you, Janet.

Well, come in.

I was thinking about what Dr.

Schofhausen told me.

That I could walk again if the desire was strong enough.

Yes, he told me the same thing.

Janet, I think you're the only person in the world who could give me that desire.

I love you.

And I think I could walk again if I thought you loved me too.

Oh, Freddy.

But I still have this terrible fear. What fear?

That my feelings won't be returned.

But your feelings will be returned because I think I love you too, Freddy.

And you will walk.

Here. What are you doing?

Now.

Stand up and walk to me.

No. Come on, you can do it.

You won't disappoint me? No, I won't disappoint you.

Stand up and walk to me, please, Freddy, just try.

You won't let me down. No, I won't let you down.

That's it.

That's it.

Oh, my God.

You're doing it.

Do you want to rest?

No, no, I want to keep trying.

Go over there. Go stand over there.

Here? No, over by the bed. I want to see just how far I can go.

Here?

Moments like this make being a doctor worthwhile.

Oh, no wonder they call you a genius.

You said that he would come here tonight, and he did. You said that he

would walk, and he did.

Freddy, I'm beginning to believe this man can really perform miracles.

I'm beginning to believe it, too.

How the hell did you get off that plane?

I never got on it.

There were six sailors at the back of that truck. Seven sailors, Freddy. I am

a Royal Navy Volunteer Reserve.

You think you got me, don't you? Well, this is just the beginning, because now

I am really going to turn on the charm.

No, you're not, Freddy.

I am taking her to the airport in the morning.

You've failed, and I'm making sure she gets as far away from you as possible.

Oh, yeah? And how do you plan on doing that? How do you plan on getting her to

the airport without Mr. Freddie Benson on you like glue? What are you doing?

Hey, look who's here.

I'm the ex.

And he can walk just like a man said he could.

Oi, guys, have a look at this.

Hi.

Hey, would you take care of my friend till I get back?

Plenty more food and champagne to come.

No, trust me in this now. But I think that maybe I love him and that maybe he

loves me, I think. And now that he's cured... Then it's even more important

for you to go away for a couple of weeks.

If a man loves you, he will follow you. But how do I know that... Trust me this

one last time.

All right.

But what about your fee?

You do what I tell you and you can keep the fee.

You're kidding.

Yes.

You're wonderful.

Will you tell Freddie I said goodbye?

Of course.

Thanks.

Bye.

Take care.

Great guy.

Bye.

Well, you seem to be having a very nice time.

I had a great time.

Could you hand me that super glue solvent, please?

I was on that wall for six hours.

Well,

Freddy, it's over.

What's over?

See that plane?

There goes your bet.

Janet's on it.

Have the honor to admit it, Freddy.

You've lost.

Go and see for yourself.

She's gone.

Have a safe trip and a prosperous career.

Auf Wiedersehen.

Oh, mercy.

Janet?

Janet, it's me, Freddy.

Janet?

Janet?

You know, the doctor said it might endanger your recovery, but I had to see

you. You see, I really am in love with you.

Really?

You actually love me?

Mm-hmm.

you're walking, do you think that you can, well... I can try.

You may not believe this, but I haven't had very much experience.

Me either.

Could you close the drapes?

Sure.

And shut the door?

Yeah.

It's Andre, sir.

Thank you.

Hello, Andre. What a lovely morning.

Mr. Johnson?

Are you lying down?

What?

Miss Colgate was seen returning to the hotel.

But I took her to the plane.

Then somebody has taken her off.

Where's Freddy?

together in a room with the curtains drawn.

Oh.

And for how long?

Not long, but long enough.

It is a disaster.

It seems the teacher has underestimated the student.

We must accept defeat graciously.

Now I will prepare myself for the jackal. I'm sure he'll be over here soon

to gloat over his victory.

Thank you my old friend

Janet. Janet.

What is the matter?

I know what you said, but I just had to see him again. You see, I thought I was

in love with him.

What? I went back to see him and... And?

And... we made love and... I

tried to please him, but how could I have known?

And then what happened was I fell asleep, and when I woke up, he was gone.

He took all my money, my mink, my jewelry, my traveler's checks, even my

little change purse.

What kind of a man would do something like that?

And do you know what else?

I'm beginning to think that he could walk, that he pretended this whole thing

just to get to me and my money.

It was all my savings, the prize money, everything, $50,000.

But, Janet, I told you I'd waive my fee. It had already gotten here. I had it in

my purse.

What am I going to say to my father? Some of the money was his.

Arthur?

Yes, sir?

Arthur, I want you to phone Andre and tell him to find Officer Benson.

It seems he has stolen some of Miss Colgate's property.

I should be at the airport.

Janet, I am going to cover your losses.

You and your father will get your $50,000 back, and I am putting you on

the first plane out of here, and this time I will make sure you are on it. But

you're not responsible.

How could you have known?

Any good psychiatrist would have known he was a charlatan.

Come. In any case, it's cheaper than a malpractice suit, which I'm sure you

would win.

I can't take your money.

You can, and you win.

Take it.

Janet, come on.

You change planes in Paris.

Okay. I just don't feel good about taking your money.

I feel good about it.

It has been so great to meet you.

If you're ever in Cleveland, will you call me?

I will.

Bye.

Goodbye.

Janet.

Have a good flight.

Thank you.

I can't take this.

It doesn't belong to me.

And I'll always have something from you that means much more.

Mr. Jamison, I caught him at the hotel, returning to the scene of the crime.

What crime? What is this guy talking about?

Listen, Freddy.

This time she really is on that plane.

And you can't harm her again. What? You let her go? You gotta stop her! Hey!

I slept with her, but you didn't have to steal her money. Steal her money? I

didn't steal her money. She stole from me.

All I know is I'm about to win the bet. She says, close the drapes. So I close

the drapes. Then she says, close the door. So I close the door. Then she

says, would you mind taking a shower? So I say, okay, I'll take a shower. When I

come out...

She's gone, my clothes are gone, my wallet's gone, my watch is gone. She

even took the 2,000 francs she gave me. Do you really expect me to believe that

when she's just returned the $50,000 that I gave her? What $50,000?

The $50,000 you stole from her. I didn't steal $50,000 from her.

Hey, there's my clothes.

Hello, boys. It was fun.

I'll miss you.

Love, Janet.

The Jackal.

P.S. I'm keeping the money. Is that wrong?

She is disgusting!

She is lying!

She is deceitful! She is two-faced!

She is conniving!

And she is dishonest!

Yes.

Isn't she wonderful?

Arthur, I'm sorry I broke your VHS player. I want you to give me the make

and model number. As soon as I get settled, I'm going to send you a check.

Oh, shut up.

Well, thanks for letting me stay the extra week.

You know, I kind of had it figured from the beginning.

Jay, Janet, Jay, Jackal.

When you think about it, it's obvious.

When do you think she was on to us?

From the beginning, Freddy.

She was on to us from the very beginning.

It was perfect.

So, uh, what are you going to do now?

Well, things are going to be quiet around here now.

The season's over.

Autumn's coming.

I'll be shutting up part of the house.

Well, goodbye.

Goodbye, Freddie.

my darlings there you are god what a hike what are you kidding me with this

gravel these heels weren't made for this hey hello we made it could you get the

bags up here pronto yeah thank you now first

intros nichos nichos get over here nichos

come here all right fall off come on everybody

I want you to meet Mr. Big Stuff.

I was showing Nicholas property in Florida. He goes, if I'm going to invest

16 million bucks, I want to do it someplace new. I say, like, where? He

goes, how about Australia?

And then it hits me. Boom, Australia. What, are you kidding me? We got to go

meet Mr. Australia himself, I say. So he goes, why not? I go, why not? Pretty

soon the whole group goes, why not?

So here we are.

So, Nicholas Papadopoulos.

I'd like you to meet the favorite son of Australia, Chips O'Toole.

Well, aren't you going to say anything?

G'day, Nicos.

How's it going, sport?

Good on you, Cubba.

Chips O'Toole.

Hotels and all from down under.

You still have any of those situations available in Sydney?

No, it's all gone, Paula.

Never mind, Nicholas. People drop out, don't they?

Anyway, coming up to the house, we'll put a couple of shrimps on the bar

before you.

Hey, I almost forgot somebody.

Mr. Junior Partner, the man chips can't do without, the whiz kid, Randy

Bentwick.

Unfortunately, Randy is a mute.

All right, everybody, get on up to the house for a drink.

You want to refresh those cocktails, don't you?

The ice is melting. Hurry, hurry.

Go on up. Follow the path around the house. Keep going.

That's it. Keep going.

I'll be right up there.

Fellas, last year I made $3 million.

But your 50,000 was the most fun.

Are you ready?

Then let's go get them.

Thank you.