Original subtitles

Harry, Harry, Harry, Circuit Court, County Appaloosa, State of Tennessee is

now hereby in session.

The Honorable Clarence H. J. Lyle is presiding.

All those having business, draw near, speak up, and you shall be heard.

Well, Mr.

Feinberg, as you can see, these small rural towns lack the judicial finesse of

some of the larger metrophases that we've found ourselves involved with

lately.

I promise you, sir, this time I'll have no problem getting this case dismissed.

I mean, get a load of some of those faces on these chicken pluckers. What a

farce this is going to be. Sit down.

Well, morning there, Brother Luke.

How's the little lady?

There's some fixing she made up there last night. Send her my thanks, would

you? I sure will, Clem.

By the way, Ma wants us to come up the hill next Saturday and dig her a new

hole for a privy.

Says the old one's kicking up.

Damn.

Sissy better find herself a man real quick, or you and I is gonna be digging

holes for the rest of our life.

What the hell's this case all about?

Sit down, you.

What you got on these guys?

Order in the courtroom.

Your Honor, in the last few years, we've been getting a lot of strange people

coming into our town.

Getting a lot of hippie freaks and a lot of long-haired communists.

We're a pretty fair-minded bunch of people, and we've been tolerating these

folks for a long time.

But lately, we've been getting a new kind of folk here.

A real sharp city slicker called sex degenerates. That's what I said. I said

sex degenerates.

They bring into our town an element that you and I and everybody in this

courtroom here have been fighting against all our lives.

An element that can destroy the very foundation of our community.

That man there in the $200 suit is the kind of person I'm talking about.

Comes into our town, showing movies of an immoral nature.

Actually, I shouldn't say the word immoral.

His movies are goddamn dirty.

Now he comes in here and shows that movie of his. Makes people pay $5 a head

to see it. Gets the whole town all hot and horny.

Fills his pockets with our money and leaves.

Now, Clem, we've had a lot of Sharpies come in here, and we've had a lot of

Sharpies go out.

But we ain't never had one like this.

This man is a threat to our whole community.

So I say to protect the good folk of our town, we take this man over here, and we

march him right up the hill up there, and we string him up by his goddamn

fucking bones.

Hold on there just a minute.

Damn, Luke, this here's a court of law, and you know better than that.

We gotta convict this here man before we just go out and string him up.

Your Honor, I'd like... Oh, shut up.

Clam, why don't we just get this here case over with, convict the man, hang

him so we can go on about our business?

Luke, we gotta have a trial.

Supreme Court says we gotta look at this here picture and make a decision as to

whether it's dirty or not.

Well, I can tell you it's dirty. I've seen it six times.

I don't care if you've seen this thing ten times. I ain't and I want to.

Bailiff. Get over here and start this projector up.

I will, Dave. We're in a hurry, man.

Mary,

you're beautiful, baby.

Our old ladies will never figure out what's going on this weekend. Hey,

buddy, you ain't seen nothing yet.

Right on.

Have a nice fishing trip, fellas.

By the way, what are you after?

Oh, a red snapper or possibly even a barracuda or two.

Right on, a barracuda. That's beautiful, baby.

Who the hell's that all that talk about barracudas and red snappers?

You see that car there, Lou?

I sure did, Clement. I tell you why those boys don't... Deserve driving one

of those for what they're doing.

You folks stop dancing in the aisles now.

Sit down over there.

Bailiff, keep this court in order.

Barry, I don't know how you did it.

This is beautiful, man. You really got a set of nuts.

Well, let me tell you something. By the end of this weekend, they should be

blue. Or should I say...

Origin. Origin right under the sail.

What the hell is that? His dream's coming true?

those boys catch.

Shut up, would you, Luke?

I've never seen a swabby in riggings before.

Oh, I'd love to eat him.

Liam, now look what that there boy's doing to that girl.

Now, I don't call that decent. I call that downright immoral.

Come on, buddy.

Quit your daydreaming.

We're never going to get underway. Let's go on down below deck and find a gap.

Okay, buddy.

Now you know why you're the first mate.

Are those two women there?

What the hell are those women doing?

Clam, you see what I mean? It's a preverted movie. Those there is two

women. Well, is this any way to greet a passenger?

Your Honor, those two ladies are actually sisters, and they're members of

Mr. Feinberg's household.

sharing in the affection that he so readily generates throughout his

domicile.

Oh,

fantastic.

Where have you been? I've missed you.

Oh, well, as long as you say it's their sisters, then I suppose what they're

doing is all right.

Yum, yum, just like a lollipop, baby.

do the job.

Oh, let's give him a thousand lashings with our tongue.

Carry in the pirates.

The hell are those girls doing to that boy?

Oh, your honor, they're just little children playing in the sun.

Yeah, I guess that is fun, isn't it?

Damn, that ain't much of a man if he can't fight off no three little women.

Hold on there, Luke.

I was in his place. I don't think I'd want to fight him off either.

I'm going to come.

Suck, baby.

I'm going to go up on

deck and get me a snack.

Wow, I knew I was going to get a trip around the world, but I didn't know I

was going to get into the Grand Canyon.

If you're a good boy, I'll give you a crack at me.

I'm tight, and I get great head.

I've never seen a boy built like that before.

Mm-hmm.

That boy's been playing with himself on the side.

My mama always told me I'd grow warts, but that boy must have been something

else as a child.

That ain't no boy, Clem. That's a woman.

Well, holy Luke, you're right. That is a woman.

Well, I ain't never seen no woman built like that before.

What's that sneaky bastard up to over there?

Oh, he's got pimples all over his butt, don't he? He

sure do, Luke. He sure do. Shut up, Clem.

are coming in.

Will you look at all those people.

That ain't natural, your honor. It just ain't natural that all those people are

doing it there like that together.

Clem, ain't there a law against a man sticking his nose in a woman's private

business like that?

Luke, please shut up.

Please.

Or you can eat without calories, buddy. Hey, didn't your mama tell you not to

talk with your mouth full?

Hey, I want to feel you, not hear you.

Looks like a goddamn gymnast team there from Russia or somewhere.

Did you say Russia?

Clem, did you say Russia? I think you're right. They're Russians, Clem. I think

they're Russians.

Look, I just said they looked like a gymnast team from Russia. I didn't say

they was.

Bunch of dirty Russians. That's what they are.

Doing Russian things.

Rushing all over the place.

Rushing and gushing.

It's illegal, I tell you, Clem.

But, Luke, I keep telling you they ain't Russians. I don't know they're Russians.

Would you stop telling me they're Russians?

Oh,

all them people there look like a bunch of turtles playing checkers. I wonder

when these boys are going to drop their lines and grab their rods and do some

real fishing.

Clem, do you see that? They're passing back and forth marijuana. They're

smoking dope. They're dope addicts, all of them. I've told you, Clem, this

here's a bunch of no-goods. They're Russians.

Oh, Luke, we don't know that that's marijuana, do we? Now, it could be just

any kind of cigarette.

I think you're right there, Luke. That is marijuana.

That is marijuana those folks is smoking.

Your Honor, on behalf of my client, Mr. Feinberg, and all the... In this film, I

would just like to say that this must be proved, and I don't think it's possible

that looking at this film, anyone, any court in the United States would

possibly prove that these children are smoking marijuana.

Your Honor, that is lettuce those children are smoking. That's not

marijuana. They use it medicinally to improve the protein count in their blood

systems.

Well, it sure looks like marijuana to me there, son.

Your Honor, I'm afraid you'll have to prove that.

Well, we got a point there.

Luke, I know we can't prove it, but we both know that that's marijuana those

people is smoking.

Yeah, well, Clem, we got to prove that now. The man's right.

Let's just go on with the movie and see what happens.

If your honor would take notice, I think you would see that the girl is no longer

smoking marijuana.

No, she ain't smoking marijuana anymore, but she's still smoking.

You know something, Bob?

Seeing them two enjoy dinner like that reminds me of a little story. You know,

I remember one story about Little Red Riding Hood walking down the little

path, you see. Now, behind the tree is this big wolf, right? And he's got a

stinger that's not going to stop all stingers, right? He jumps out from

behind the tree. He says, Little Red Riding Hood, I'm going to fuck the hell

out of you. Yeah, I know.

I think I'm gonna join you right over there. We should relax.

off the weather holes just like I think it's going to. We can do that snorkeling

you want to do tomorrow.

Good idea, baby.

Hey, you know why they put a cock up on a weather vane?

No, Mr. Bones. Why does they put a cock on a weather vane? Because if they put a

cunt up there, the wind would blow right through it.

My ding-a-ling, won't you play with my

ding-a-ling?

When are we going to go in the water?

What a nice looking boat you got there.

I guess this is what they meant by fishing, huh?

Lem, now you're gonna see what he meant by fishing.

Oh.

pretty there.

Those folks must be some kind of fish holding their breath that long.

Goodness, they can really hold their breath, can't they?

Boy, don't that girl ever get tired of doing that?

Well, that girl there could chew a man up and spit him right out, can't she?

Marsh Tits.

Your eighth medal for volume.

Clem, don't you think it's kind of illegal that a woman should be doing

that for so long to a man without him doing nothing to her?

Well, I've never read anything like that in the law books, Luke.

Yeah, but Clem, I mean, that's a long time. I want to see something else.

Hey, Clem, they look like your balls.

Get up, Luke.

Keep quiet there now.

girl can come over and clean my house anytime.

Oh, that girl's been driving that boat for a long time. I don't think she's

ever going to get into the picture.

When did that other couple get into the picture?

Hey, how did you see that other couple come in there? How'd they get in there?

Damn.

Must be some kind of film magic.

you

I've never heard of no folks doing that underwater before.

You know, Barry, I haven't been eating so much my whole life.

Oh, they just wouldn't believe it. What the hell are you worried about, Bob? You

know, more people die of pneumonia every year.

Yeah, that's true. Besides that, you know how I feel.

Eating is not cheating.

Right on, baby. Okay.

Come on, help me with this scuba gear. Sure, man. Let's do it.

Clam, this is ridiculous. Let's get it over with and kill him. I'm horny. I

mean, I'm hungry, huh?

Luke, will you shut up?

Your Honor, my client is in complete sympathy with this court and understands

fully how a small, peace-loving, unpretentious community such as yours

might find fault and even be shocked by the sudden appearance of a motion

picture representing the modern viewpoints of today's more sophisticated

urban society.

He is not an evil man.

Giving people the free...

choosing whether or not they wish to attend.

Amen.

And I'd like to point out to this courtroom.

Amen. The extreme latency is gone too.

Amen.

To avoid our young impressionable children.

Amen.

From attending without the guidance.

of a prayer

Thank you.

Come with me.

Thank you.

You're not.

Thank you.

Don't let Skipper marsh his tit for pirates. Darling, spirits, wake up. Wake

up. You are having a nightmare.

A nightmare, hell.

If you only know what we've learned, sweet baby.

Well, what'd I tell you, Clem? What do you think of that smut?

Man, Luke, you was right.

That film was dirty.

I told you it was dirty. Those buzzards soaked me for $30.

Gentlemen, I see no reason to take up any more of this court's valuable time

with this case.

By the Supreme Court's own assessment of obscenity, I find this film totally

lacking in moral redeeming value.

And in accordance with our...

Local community standards, I find this film appeals to the Purian entrance of

our fair town.

Your Honor, on what grounds does this court find my client's artistic work

obscene? It was dirty.

Is Your Honor implying that normal, healthy, consenting adults having fun

and enjoying an afternoon in the sun can be deemed dirty?

No, but what they was doing in the shade wasn't too clean.

Your Honor, we'll have to be more specific than that.

Those were no lollipops those gals was chewing on.

Those sure, those sure weren't no lollipops them gals was sucking on.

Your Honor, if God did not intend women to satisfy men with

their mouths, he'd have designed their faces differently.

Well, now, you got a point there, mister.

Luke, what do you think?

The climate just don't make sense.

I mean, it sure looked dirty. Well, I just don't see how something could be

dirty if God designed it. Your Honor, Mr. Feinberg is a good family man.

Do you recall the happy, smiling faces of those young women we just viewed in

the film?

They seemed to be enjoying themselves, yeah.

Well, sir, since the sad demise of my client's wife and young daughter some

years past,

Mr. Feinberg's sole objective in life has been to take these sad, wandering

creatures into his home.

They were once...

hungry orphans of the

street, lacking family and friends to call their own.

Well, sir, Mr. Feinberg took it upon himself to take these poor, sad

creatures into his home.

And onto his boat.

And to feed them.

And to keep them warm.

And to teach them the meaning of sharing and of loving.

He gave them jobs and the opportunity to learn a profession.

And, Your Honor, with the grace of God and of this court, if he's given the

opportunity to, he intends to clothe them.

Mr. Feinberg, seems I had you figured all wrong.

Here I was thinking you were a criminal, and it turns out you're a peace-loving

man filled with the love and the grace of God.

And in re-evaluating this here case, I'd like to ask that the defense provide us

with a little more evidence, if you know what I mean.

Your Honor, if it pleases this court, and I'm sure it will,

I ask that these hearings be temporarily postponed.

And my client, Mr. Feinberg, requests that you be his guest at his home.

In Florida.

For as long as it takes for you to determine his integrity and to learn in

the sharing of love that he and his adopted daughters so readily generate.

Did you say Florida?

Yes, sir, that's right.

Clem! For as long as it takes. No, Clem!

Yes, sir, as long as it takes.

You say these women here understand the meaning of sharing.

That's correct, Your Honor.

Well, hot dog!

Luke, you go tell Ma she can dig her own holes for the rest of her life.

Come on, what are we waiting for? Let's go.

Go. Get out of here. Go.

The defendant was played by Erwin Schmeck.

The defense attorney was Harry Reams.

The district attorney was played by Harry Reams.

our sheriff was none other than Harry Reams.

And last but not least, the judge was, of course, Harry Reams.