Original subtitles

Oh, you trying to get over on Brown, huh?

You trying to get over on me?

Hi, Mr. Brown--

Hey, hey, Sandra and Phil!

Y'all wanna play? - Bye, Mr. Brown.

Yeah, I know, man.

Man, what you been up to?

Nothing. I'm glad you asked.

Ain't nobody talking to you, fool!

Damn.

- Hey Mr. Brown. - Hey, Cora.

I'm glad you... Pull up.

I'm sitting here playing with myself.

- You playing with yourself? -Yes.

Don't do that, Mr. Brown. Don't do that.

I play with myself all the time.

Nobody else don't wanna play with me.

- Now that's nasty. - Nasty?

You know what?

Those people down at the church are heated.

Woohoo, that pastor done drug y'all to hell

with him?

The pastor is not in hell, Mr. Vinny.

He done blew the bottom out of it?

Well, since he decided to lay hands

on all the pretty little deaconesses

down at the church, they forced him

to step down, leaving us without a pastor.

Now me and the board has to decide who

to replace him with.

But we've started our interview process

and we're gonna find a new leader.

A new leader.

Now, I'll do it for the deaconesses,

just the pretty ones.

I don't too much care about the ugly ones.

Now you know good and well

if you step foot up in that church,

it's gonna explode into fire.

Pastors don't make no money anyway.

If I was a pastor, I'd pass the plate four times.

Ah!

One time before the service.

One time during the service.

Another time during the altar call.

And another time in the parking lot,

in case they ass came up short.

See, that's what we're trying to avoid right there.

That's why our new pastor, we're gonna pay him

close to six figures plus benefits.

Fringe benefits?

Sound like something I might have to look into.

Being a pastor is a big responsibility.

There's a lot of people that you have to talk to

and spend time with.

But it's never a dull moment.

Heck, that sounds like a responsibility

I'm willing to take.

I don't mean no harm, Mr. Brown,

but you don't have patience to be a pastor.

Well Cora, we all got stuff we need to work on.

But I read my word.

Crossword puzzles don't count.

Oh!

I have you to know, I'm holy.

Mr. Brown is holy.

If Mr. Brown is holy, then my ass is good.

You know what, Cora?

I think this is a sign.

It's a sign that I'm one of God's chosen ones.

Chosen to do what, Mr. Brown?

Chosen to lead the lambs!

Chosen to lead them on the inner city on the hill.

Okay.

Chosen to lead them to be the salt

in the collard greens.

You mean salt of the earth.

Same thing. I'mma be the salt.

More like the roach in the stew.

Only thing you can do, Brown, is lead folks to hell.

Well I figure you might need company

while you down there.

Oh.

You don't have what it takes to lead a flock, Brown.

Your flock comes fried with hot sauce.

You know what? We'll see about that, Vinny.

Sista Cora, put me down for an interview.

I'mma be the new pastor of the church.

♪ No matter what you do, I love you ♪

♪ No matter where you go, I'm behind you for sure ♪

♪ Always remember, blood ain't never water ♪

♪ We'll make it if we stay together ♪

Okay, so it says here,

as a pastor, the duties are including

providing spiritual leadership to the members

of the church.

Cora, I'm real spiritual.

Okay, Mr. Brown, okay.

Alright.

And preparing weekly sermons, preaching,

and conducting worship services.

Oh Cora, I can preach 'em up to the mountains

and sing 'em back down in the valley.

Cora, I can preach and sing.

Ah, lawd.

His ass done already started lying.

Right here it says, "Interpret biblical scriptures

for the congregation."

Not only can I interpret biblical scriptures,

I can interpret tongues. - You can?

I takes it another further.

- You can? - Yes.

Okay, okay.

And providing counseling in crisis situations.

I do that for Vinny all the time.

Yeah, and I feel worse every time you do.

Cora, by the powers invested in me,

I am ready to be your pastor.

Mr. Brown, wait a minute.

That's not all, now.

You have to go through the application process.

Which means coming through me.

Oh Cora, then I got this.

Why don't you go down into that church

and tell them heathens I'm they pastor

and ain't nothing they can do.

Wait a minute, I'm sorry, Mr. Brown.

Everybody's has to write and deliver a mini-sermon

and do an interview.

And you also have to submit

a letter of recommendation.

And also you gotta show history

of community service.

Pastoring ain't as easy as you thought, Brown.

The only you thing you ready to lead people to

is the front of the buffet line.

Well, even Jesus liked a little lamb.

You don't even have a first lady.

I make all the ladies first.

Pastors nowadays wear muscle shirts.

You don't even have muscles, 'cept in your head.

I don't need no muscles.

The Lord is all the strength I need.

Cora, putteth the chosen one down

for an interview.

Alright!

Oh, hey Ma. Can I go--

No.

Didn't I tell you to take the garbage out?

I did.

Then what is that?

Hmm, what is that?!

A crumb?

Then get it out.

And when you finish doing that, put a trash bag

in there.

You didn't tell me to put a trash bag in there.

Okay.

Mad at me because she wasn't specific.

Say something else.

Now which one of my lovely children

put my house shoes by the door?

I did.

Like you asked me to.

Oh, and I appreciate that.

But I want you to take a little more care, right?

Think about it, right?

Your left foot needs to go on the left side.

Right foot, right side.

Do I walk criss-crossed, Sandra, huh?

I mean, sometimes you do, yeah.

Girl.

Sorry.

You all are teenagers.

You are almost out of this house.

You've been doing these chores for years.

I should not still have to come behind you

and clean up!

So when you finish in here,

I want you to go to the living room

and that chair, the little pillows you been sitting

around all day, fluff 'em!

And then I want you to pluck the lint off.

And you especially, 'cause all I see is green lint

on my nice pillows. Okay?! Right?!

So why do I have to pick the lint off?

'Cause I said so. That's why.

That's a good reason, right?

Oh really? You gonna do that?

Learn your left from your right.

Learn how to put a bag in the trash.

She didn't ask me to.

Fluff the pillows and pluck the lint off of them!

Okay?!

- Okay. - Okay, jeez.

Who mama y'all talking to, huh?

Who say "okay" to they mama?

Yes, ma'am.

Uh-huh, that's better.

What are we, in the 1800s?

Who says "Yes, ma'am"?

You in 2021 in my house.

So say what?

Yes, ma'am.

Babe, I found the broom you were looking for,

it was on the back porch.

Oh, nice.

Use it, Jeremy.

You got two eyes just like I do.

You know and can see what needs to be

cleaned up around here, right?

Yeah, but you told me to get you the broom.

You alright?

What's wrong with your eye and your hair?

What's going on?

I couldn't sleep well last night, Jeremy,

because somebody that I sleep with

was tossing and turning all night long.

And if I had time to go get my hair done, I would.

Okay?

I have to do everything around here by myself.

And you got the nerve to ask me about my hair

when my house ain't clean?

Clean my house!

- What y'all do? - Nothing.

I don't know what that was.

Hey, Mr. Brown.

Sister Cora, handeth me that broometh.

Mr. Brown, what do you want the broom for?

I want to be a humble servant-eth unto you-eth,

my sister-eth.

Either that or he developed a lip-eth-eth.

Man should not live by drink alone, .

Mmhmm, and new wine does not belong

in old-skin hands.

How about that?

You know what?

Lord, removeth the veil from his evil eyes.

Sweep around your own front door

before you sweep around mine.

Man, why don't you stop talking

like you went to school with King Tut?

I agree with Mr. Vinny.

You need to get ready for your interview,

Mr. Brown.

You know, Vinny, you a good man

somewhere in there.

Oh, here it comes, here it comes.

You a good man. I'm almost ready for my interview.

I almost finished writing my sermon on catfish

and loaves.

All I need now is a letter of recommendation.

Brown, the only thing I'm gonna recommend you for

is counseling.

Would a few dollars make a difference?

You gotta keep this between us,

'cause if not, if I make pastor, I'll make sure

you go to hell.

A briber, a thief and a liar?

Sounds like a few pastors I know.

How much we talking about, Brown?

Alright y'all, look, your mom is really

going to enjoy all this pampering that we're doing.

There is no way she can be in a bad mood after all of this.

Hold up, here she comes, she's coming.

Smiles.

-Hi, Mom! - Hey, Mom!

Hi.

Hey, baby!

There go my boo.

There go my boo!

Come on in, come on in. Sit down.

Got a little something planned for you.

Mmhmm, go ahead get comfortable.

There you go.

Get your little blankie.

Ooh.

Some flowers.

Little massage.

These are gorgeous, baby.

Thank you.

Oooh, right there, baby.

Yeah, alright.

Got you a little foot bath so you can soak

them corns.

I do not have corns, Jeremy.

Dude, you're messing us up.

Son, there's two corns on the right foot.

You don't gotta say that, though.

Something for me and it's not Mother's Day,

my birthday, or Nurse's Day?

Nope.

We did it because we love you

and we want you to know that we are always

here for you.

No matter how mean you act.

I was mean?

Eh, more like aggressive.

What?

You're messing up now.

No baby, you're not mean or aggressive.

No, you were just a little bit, eh, passionate.

That's what we're calling that, passionate?

I love y'all.

Thank you so much.

This is gorgeous.

I think it really worked. She seems really happy.

Yeah, for now, until she sees a speck of dust

flying around somewhere.

If we want something, we should ask for it now.

You're right.

Hey Mom, can I go to Mike's to play three-K?

Yeah, sure.

Um, can I go to Sheila's to help her with her

psoriasis assignment?

Sure.

Your man got you a little something something.

A little something for you to snack on

while you're enjoying your day.

Diet chocolates?

Assorted diet chocolates.

You calling me fat, Jeremy?

What you talk...

What you mean?

No baby, that's on your keto list!

So all this was just a ploy

so you could soften me up and say

what you really want to say?

So first I'm mean and then I'm fat?!

Come on, baby, no.

Look, look, look, you're none of those things.

Come on now, chill.

You're not mean, you're not fat,

you're just a little bit highly emotional lately.

Oh, oh, highly emotional?!

Another word for highly emotional?

Crazy!

Or how about imbalanced, huh?

Well I tell you what, Jeremy Rochan Washington,

one thing that I am not, is stupid.

You clean this water up!

Alright, how you doing today, Mr. Brown?

It's just nice to have your acquaintance,

Sister Cora.

You're looking nice and colorful this afternoon.

Yes, yes.

This is a multicultural suit 'cause I plan on leading

a multicultural flock.

You know, Joseph wore a multicultural jacket too.

Yes, he did.

- Multicultural coat. - Oh, well that's good.

Let's just jump right on in there.

You have a lot of recommendations here.

Your first one is from Vincent Van Gogh?

Yeah, yeah, something like that.

I see you have a lot of community service.

Yes.

Greedy Feeds the Needy.

Well, my Greedy Feeds the Needy is where

the needy sacrifice one morsel

to feed the needy.

Oh, okay.

And hair donations for Bald and Broken.

I like that.

Yes Cora, that's where I donate my hair

and I give it to people who are less hair-challenged

than me, myself, and I.

And what I do is, I was donating my hair

but I had to shut that down

because I ran out of hair follicles.

Oh, so you didn't lose your hair?

No, no, I know exactly where it is.

It's on some blessed man's toupee.

Yes, I did, I did, yes.

Alright.

I have just a few more questions here.

How often do you go to church?

I go to church all the time.

I go six days a week at least.

But he say rest on the seventh.

How often do you read your Bible?

Oh, I read my Bible all the time, Cora.

I'm reading right now in my brain.

Yes, thou shalt not steal.

Thou shalt not kill.

That's good. Okay so, another thing is--

Hold on, I'm on another chapter.

There we go.

Okay, so what do you think

is the most important part of being a pastor?

Well Cora, what I think the most important thing...

Look how I'm doing my hands.

The most important thing that I feel

about being a pastor is that you should take up

an offering, Cora.

You take, 'cause people don't give.

They won't give unless you tell them

give unto me unto your bosom.

'Cause our god is a giving god.

Can you give me a name of a person

who you really look up to?

Well, who I really look up to, Cora,

is Charlie Brown.

Charlie Brown?

You mean, like the cartoon character?

Yes, yes.

Snoopy's owner, Charlie Brown.

They count him out everytime,

but he always comes back up.

Yes, and I think we kin 'cause we got

the same last name.

Oh, alright. That's something.

Am I doing good?

Yes, you're doing fine. You're fine.

Why do you want to be a pastor, Mr. Brown?

Well Cora, I want to be a pastor

because I'm the kind of pastor

that will tell people the truth

whether they want to hear it or not.

And because I'm studied, well-studied,

in the Hebrew.

That's the ancient biblical language.

Hebrew.

Can you give me an example of the Hebrew?

- Of Hebrew? - Mmhmm.

Barack and Michelle Obama.

That's, that's, that's your example?

Yeah, Barack and Michelle Obama.

So when you do that, that's--

You see?

When I do that, when I speak to the people,

they know that I'm directly hearing from the Lord.

Oh.

Because that's his biblical language.

Yeah, you like that.

Cora, you didn't know I speak Hebrew?

No, I didn't know that.

So are you ready to do your sermon now?

Yes, Cora. Yes, I'm ready.

- You ready? - I'm ready.

Oh, I don't have to get ready 'cause I stay ready.

Alright Mr. Brown, get ready for your sermon.

Okay, Cora.

Yes, I got my stuff set up.

Alright.

Wait, I thought this was a closed interview.

Ain't now way in hell I miss this.

Vinny.

Well Mr. Brown, I invited some family and friends

so it'll be like a small congregation.

I'll be your deacon.

And I'll, I'll be the junior deacon.

Sister Mama. - Hi.

Brother Grandpa.

How you doing?

- God bless. - God bless you.

Good to see you, son. That's our junior deacon.

Ooh, he gonna be something else

when he grow up.

Cora, I'm more nervous than a televangelist.

Take my time? - Take your time.

First, giving honor to God,

who is the head of my life.

First giving honor to the First Lady, the bishop,

deacons, deaconess, elders, ushers,

motherboard, and the janitors,

and the one heathen that we have in the room.

God loves all of his creatures.

Takes one to know one.

I'm gonna come to you from the wonderful book

of Galatians, chapter one, verse ten.

My text is entitled, "Who You Foolin'?"

Turn to your neighbor and say, "Who you foolin?"

Who you foolin?

Before I start, I need a reader.

I need somebody with some full-figured eyes.

Somebody who can see through the word

like I see through the word.

Brother Jeremy, that should be you.

Go right ahead.

Please stand for the reading of the word.

Please.

Thank you.

Read!

Read the word.

Uh, "For now am I seeking--"

For now am I seeking!

What is he seeking today?

Read!

Uh, "The approval of man--"

The approval of man!

What he's doing is he's trying to get likes!

Read!

- "Or of God." - Or of God!

Sit down, I got this.

Or of God.

People are hard pressed nowadays

for folk to like them.

Okay.

Y'all ain't with me--

Oh, we with you.

People, we got I-G, I- Tube, F-B,

people wanna take selfies

so they can be liked by anybody.

You trying to be liked by people

that don't even like you.

Well, well.

But I'm here to tell you, I don't care

if nobody like me 'cause I'm, I'm just a nobody

trying to tell everybody about somebody

who can save your body.

See these girls all on this face-tagram

and stuff like that, Cora.

And they just got fake stuff.

They showing everything.

They got fake hair, fake nails, fake teeth,

fake hair, fake everything!

Fake everything.

But see, you don't have to show

nothing because God made you good, Cora.

- Yes, he made it. - He made you!

What he did, was he laid Adam down, Cora.

He put him to sleep.

Just like that, Cora.

And then what he did, is he went in.

He went in?

He went in and snatched the rib out of him, Cora.

Tell him about it!

He took a baby back rib, Cora!

And he added sauce, that's the ladies.

Ladies, y'all the sauce.

Alright.

What we gotta start doing,

we gotta be like the Lord.

We got to be real!

Turn to your neighbor and say, "Keep it real."

Keep it real.

Got to be real!

Got to be real.

Say, "Got to be real".

Got to be real.

God bless.

Y'all, give it up for Brother Brown.

Ooh, he brought the word!

That was a good message wasn't it?

Yeah.

I was surprised.

Yeah, we all were.

What's going on, baby?

Ooh, I'm overwhelmed, babe.

Work, being a mom, always talking to people

and telling 'em what to do, running behind folks.

I never have time for myself.

I don't know, I'm just not happy with myself

right now, Jeremy.

- Unh-uh. - And I look a mess.

Don't say that, don't say that.

You look a hot mess.

Boy, get off of me.

I'm just playing, babe.

Mwah.

You know you're beautiful.

Even though your head look like

it want to divorce me.

Woah.

Nah, seriously though.

I didn't realize you needed help around here, okay?

I'mma make sure me and the kids

start carrying our weight.

Take some pressure off you, alright?

- Thank you. - Mmhmm.

- I'd like that. - Yeah?

You know what I'd like?

I am going to sleep, Jeremy.

Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah.

I want to show you my appreciation.

Cora, am I the pastor?

Alright Mr. Brown, we voted.

We voted for one of the brothers

at our sister church.

Cora, not even one vote?

Brown, you didn't think you had a chance in hell

did you?

Well Mr. Brown, look, he has experience,

the pastor.

But you did such a great job on your message,

you really did.

- You liked that, Cora? - You did.

You know I know how to reach people.

Speaking of reaching out, I'm heading out.

- Where you going? - Down to the church.

To do what, Vinny?

Some outreach.

Okay, what kind of outreach you finna do?

Woo, some of those lonely deaconesses

that the old pastor left, man.

One asked for my left hand,

the other asked for my right hand.

Might as well be me doing the laying on the hands.

Smacking, smacking.

I'm out.

He ain't finna go do no outreach.

He finna be reaching out.

You think I need to go down there

and supervise at the church?

Nah Cora, let him go on.

Cora, but you better tell your pastor,

"Don't get sick or nothing." - Why?

I be right up in that pulpit.

You gonna bring it?

You gonna take it higher?

Take it high!

♪ Higher ♪

Let me do the preaching, Cora.

You just stay in your lane.

♪

♪

♪