Original subtitles

Do you know where we're going today?

No. You just randomly get in this van.

Well, I trust you. Oh, well, that's nice.

Thank you.

This is Miriam Margulies.

And this is Alan Cumming.

Now, Miss Miriam, please let me take you on a little... A wee tour.

We've decided it's time we both reconnected with our Scottish roots.

That's my hugger!

Miriam is one of our best-loved actresses.

And has lit up stage and screen over a 60-year career.

What do you think of that?

My Glaswegian father instilled in me a love of this great country.

I'm just a tart from the slums.

Alan's an award-winning actor and performer.

It's Saturday night on Broadway.

Who has had an amazing journey from Scottish soaps to Hollywood.

That's showbiz.

I live in New York with my husband Grant, but I was born and raised in

Scotland.

Oh, this could be mine, Miriam.

Mine. Well, I don't know about that.

Now, at the grand old ages of 80 and 56... We're driving round the land of

our fathers.

These are cute.

I think we've got this. I'll be showing Alan my Scottish bits.

I wish they could see that we'd come back.

And I'll be showing Miriam mine.

Guard your loins, Miriam.

I am girded.

Looking to our past.

I feel emotional.

This is freaking me out.

And experiencing new things.

Oh, no, I'm not doing this. No, forget it. No, I've had enough of this.

Nailed it!

All whilst trying to keep our campervan on the road.

Is that Ben Nevis? That one there.

Don't distract me, all right?

I'm panicking.

This is the turning here.

Got it.

God help us.

Seven hours after leaving the grime of London... Alan!

Are you up for it? Up for what, Miriam?

We arrive in Glasgow Central Station, ready for our grand odyssey round

Scotland. Well, don't expect me to jump off like that.

I'm not agile.

And waiting in this epically industrial car park by the River Clyde is our

partner in crime.

It's quite big, isn't it?

Look at this. Weighing in at 3,500 kilograms and with a top speed of 102

miles per hour, it's our camper van.

The main thing is there's a toilet. That is the key.

Yes. To this.

I tell you what. What?

Maybe I can get in there.

Can I touch your bum?

I want you to.

I'm too heavy.

I'm going to go in.

I'm going to sit in the thing.

This is great.

Oh, it's not an automatic.

Uh-oh. It means you're going to have to drive. Oh, Miss Miriam, it'll be my

honour.

What of?

I think it's better if you drive.

I'm totally fine with driving.

Kind of relieved as well.

You're relieved as well.

Miriam and I want to reconnect with our Scottish roots in the country we love.

So on this first leg of our tour, we'll be reflecting on my childhood in an

emotional visit to rural Angus.

Oh, Miriam, I'm sorry I'm making you cry.

When you think of a child being hurt...

But before we get there, we'll be exploring in the Highlands, where I've

prepared a very personal surprise for Miriam.

I love it!

And we travel east to Cawdor Castle, which has links to one of Shakespeare's

greatest plays, to uncover a coming family secret.

The resemblance is uncanny.

I'm taking Alan to meet a dear old friend who I worked with in

Aberdeenshire a lifetime ago.

It is 41 years.

It's 41 years.

Before heading to the Cairngorms, where we learn how to safely park our poop.

God, it's blue!

Now, on the first leg of our trip, Miriam wants to visit an area of Glasgow

that's close to her heart.

Can we go to Allison Street? Do you know the way?

I can find it. I have the technology.

Why do you want to go there?

Well, my father used to live there when he was a little boy.

I may sound like a posh old English woman, but my father, Joseph, was as

Glaswegian as they come.

He was born in this great city in 1899, after my Jewish grandfather settled in

Allison Street, having left Belarus to find a new life in Scotland.

Many poor working families like mine lived in single-room apartments, hoping

to scrape a living from Glasgow's booming textile and shipbuilding

industries.

I want to see what my family's first home in Scotland looks like now, 120

years later.

A nan factory?

Yeah.

They make grandmas.

This is it, Miriam. This is it. The red door.

I know this is where they lived in 1901.

Wow. Because it was on the census.

Oh, I see. There were six of them in about one or two rooms.

Does it make you feel a bit funny?

It makes me a bit sad.

I wish they could see that we'd come back and have a look at it, you know.

This is where Miriam's granddad lived.

Her granddad. We're having a tender moment.

Yes, they moved up in the world.

But they did start off here.

Right.

True enough.

Alan and I haven't travelled together like this before, and at the grand old

age of 80, I'm getting on a bit. So this campervan is my personal loo, and Alan

is my personal chauffeur, if he's up to the job.

Push it.

Now, watch your gears.

Both hands on the wheel.

Do you remember your driving test?

Yeah, vividly. I...

passed the first time but the man did say all right i'll let you off with it

son my knickers fell off the first time i took the driving test

the elastic must have snapped as i opened the door and then you stood up

and your knickers fell down it was before i got into the car i was about to

get in and i felt that soft rustle

Of silk sliding down my legs. Oh, my God, this is like some terrible porn

novel. So you did your driving test. Yes. You need knickers.

Going commando.

And then you failed.

I failed.

Because you didn't have that security. Is that a lesson?

At each stage of our trip... Miriam and I will be taking in turns to be in

charge of the itinerary. And our first stop is a treat I've organised.

Something supremely Scottish, but like us, a little bit different.

We're going to a tartan mill called Prickly Thistle. And there's a surprise

I've been working on for some time, Miriam.

OK. Yes.

Something I think you'll like.

As a proud Scotsman, I love working a bit of tartan.

i'm passionate about keeping its heritage alive and have been helping to

crowdfund the rebirth of tartan in this small corner of scotland there's a girl

called claire campbell and she's um sort of rejuvenated this mill and sort of

rejuvenated the kind of the sort of notion of tartan and weaving and

everything so she's like this little a dynamo she is a dynamo it's sort of like

the new and the old of scotland you know that's what i really like when Young

people sort of go... Keep the traditions going. Yeah, but do it in a new,

exciting way. And the skills.

Yes. Not in a fuddy-duddy way. They're actually really vibrant and modern as

well. A bit like us.

The village of Evington sits a mile from the Cromarty Firth, an area of

outstanding natural beauty.

And though there were once dozens of tartan mills in the Highlands, Prickly

Thistle is only one of a handful left.

And little does Miriam know, I've been in cahoots with owner Claire for months.

We are the only, the most authentic, most rebellious mill in Scotland.

The Tartan Rebellion? Yes.

Come in.

What a magic place. Isn't it great?

We're about creating tartans that will be the kind of conversation 200 years

from now. Are they always striped tartans?

What makes a tartan is this very sort of clear pattern of repetition.

So this is what is the first half of a tartan, it's what we call the warp.

And you can see here we have a very symmetrical... And the other bit's the

width. Yes! Be pired! Look at you, Mrs.

I see tartan as very much a storytelling cloth.

So tartan, iconically, around the world, will immediately be symbolic of somebody

belonging to a community, and quite often bloodlines.

The colours would be very symbolic of the meaning.

I love that.

Because I think what's the most beautiful thing about a tartan is that

when you wear it, somebody will ask you, what tartan is that? Yeah.

Speaking of which, it's time to reveal my big surprise.

Miriam.

Darling.

There's a new tartan in the world.

As of today.

Called Allium.

Allium? Yes. You and me, boy. Yes.

This is our tartan. Is that our tartan?

Allium. I did all this months ago. I chose all these colours for special

reasons. I thought you must have done.

So, turmeric for the soil of Australia, your adopted home.

This blue colour because it's the Jewish colour for Hanukkah. And my mummy called

me Birdie Blue. Shut up. Yeah.

That's great. And then this lilac colour because it's the colour of sapphism.

Sapphism? Lesbians? Lesbians. Yay!

And then I chose this green colour because it's the country estate where I

grew up.

and corona because yellow is my favorite color and then this pink color is called

lust we're both lusty people i love that isn't it nice we've also woven in the

word rebel which i think is fun so you can just see the word rebel r-e-b-e-l oh

yes and this is an allium tartan blankie for you i

love it isn't it great i love it and

This is the official Scottish Register of Tartans.

We're registration number 13,275, the Allium Tartan, on behalf of the

keeper of the Scottish Register of Tartans in the National Records of

Scotland. Oh, Christ, it's gorgeous. Isn't it great?

Can I keep this? That's for you to keep.

Really? Yes. Because I'll kill anybody and take it away from me. She will.

Cut you.

I love it. I'm glad you like it. I love it. Now we're going to see how they

actually weave it. Ready, Mary? I'm going to put the headphones on.

So it's going to get a little bit noisy.

Bloody hell.

Wow, that was amazing.

That's terrifying.

What are those teeth up there? Oh, no.

This piece is called a vibrator. Shut up.

How funny that you should choose that bit. I chose that bit.

You chose that bit. That's called a vibrator.

But they do wear, and we have to... Oh, don't they? Vibrators wear.

You've had trouble with your vibrator. Never.

We have...

a little bit of something extra for you.

We knew you were travelling in an RV, so we thought, well, let's do something

we've never done before.

I know you're looking at this and thinking... What is it? Is that a

sporad? This is... It's a toilet seat. Toilet seat cover. A scrotum. Look at

our scrotum.

A big scrotum. The list is endless.

I love this. This is so great.

Are you thrilled?

I'm thrilled.

I bet he is.

Thank you so much.

Thank you hugely. Honestly, it's an absolute pleasure.

And with that, we're back on the road, but not before I make our porcelain

throne fit for a pair of queens.

Now I'm going to try and put this on the toilet seat.

On the toilet seat?

Yeah, it's a toilet seat holder, remember?

It is, but I think it's much better as a bag, and I want to have a shit.

Oh, my God. Sorry.

So you don't want to do this? Well, could I have my shit first?

Yes. Thanks. I'm all for that.

Thank you.

Right.

Why doesn't the door shut?

There's a camera there. Oh, for fuck's sake!

Get the fucking thing off before I pull it off.

I've got to shut myself.

Oh, my God.

Miriam and I are on the first stage of our epic road trip across Scotland.

I love it. Isn't it great? We're on our way to Cawdor Castle, just half an hour

east of Inverness, where I've got another secret I want to share with

Miriam.

Cawdor Castle was built in the 14th century as a private fortress for the

ruling clan of Cawdor.

My ancestors worked here for generations, and I've long thought there

are skeletons in the coming closet that might link me to nobility.

It's entirely plausible that centuries ago even, one of those earls of Cawdor

had a dalliance below stairs with a chambermaid who was part of my family.

Apart from the coming connection, Cawdor also featured in a little-known play,

Shakespeare's Macbeth.

Well, if it's good enough for the bard.

Glam's thou art, and Cawdor.

and shalt be what thou art promised.

Thank you.

Yet do I fear thy nature. It is too full of the milk of human kindness to catch

the nearest way.

Hie thee hither, that I might pour my spirits in thine ear, and chastise with

the valour of my tongue all that impedes thee from the golden round, which fate

and metaphysical aid doth seem to have thee crowned withal.

Nailed it.

And inside, there's something that might nail the evidence of my ancestor's

illicit hanky-panky.

A portrait of the 18th century Baron of Cawdor.

So what's the surprise?

Seem familiar?

My goodness.

He was 23 when this painting was done by Joshua Reynolds.

And this is me when I was, like, 19.

In the same sort of pose.

But it kind of is quite like me, isn't it?

It is.

The resemblance is uncanny.

The castle started having these postcards done of the artworks, and so

people started sending me these postcards. And that's when I thought,

oh, gosh, my father's family all worked on Cawdor Estate, on the farms and on

the forestry. My mum and dad lived on Cawdor Estate when they were first

married. I mean, he's got the same triangular face that you have.

Thanks.

Seeing that chiseled jaw up close, I'm more convinced than ever that there's

blue blood flowing through these veins.

Oh, this could be mine, Miriam. Mine. Well, I don't know about that. No.

The raven himself is hoarse that croaks the fatal entrance of Duncan under my

battlements.

Right.

Don't let it go to your head, dear. I think I'll be all right.

I've been thinking. What?

You know I'm a genealogist.

I do.

Can I suggest that you take a DNA test?

What, to find out if I'm related to... Exactly.

If I'm really part of the family? Yeah.

Well, Miriam Margulies, I already have.

I took it two weeks ago in New York. Did you? Yes, I did.

Smart boy. That's right. When did you get the result?

The end of this week, and my friend... Oh!

My friend Andrew knows Liza, who is the sister of the current Earl.

So she's done it as well.

And so we're seeing if they match up. Isn't that hilarious?

Yes.

Wow. I know.

Exciting. So the idea that someone like me, looking very much like someone from

the 18th century, could suddenly pop out is entirely plausible.

Darling, it happened in our family. Oh, did it? Yes.

I just discovered really about six months ago that my grandfather

had an affair with a woman round the corner.

Wow. And how I discovered was through DNA.

Right. Because a chap wrote to me who said he had similar DNA

to mine. Right, because you leave it on the website and people get contacted.

But I didn't know about the secret affair.

Oh, I see. Because the fuck was 104 years ago.

Right, I get it now. Right, right. My other cousin said he screwed everything

that moved.

Oh, my God.

It's a new day, and we're back on the road and rolling east across Scotland's

stunning countryside towards the village of Fordyce.

that captured my heart many years ago and look how lovely it is and how much

sky there is right right it offers itself to you it's not hidden it's

generous it's it's laid out for you nestled in rolling

countryside and just two miles from the coast ford ice can trace its origins

back to the 7th century when the early christian saint tarquin founded a church

here

This enchanting village full of quaint stone buildings and winding lanes even

has a fairy tale castle This tranquil little spot fills my heart

with joy I Have an emotional connection why to this

place because

Oh, my goodness.

Oh, I shall cry.

40 years ago... Wowzer. 40 years ago, I came here for the first time

to be in a television series. Yeah.

And I was playing Billy Patterson's daughter.

Daughter? Daughter, even though he's younger than me. That's chubbers.

Bill Patterson is a legend of stage and screen.

perhaps best known as Fleabag's Dad, Ned from Outlander, or the voice of The

Repair Shop.

But I met him back in the 70s, when we made a six-part BBC series called The

Lost Tribe, a drama about a Jewish immigrant family living in Scotland.

I'll tell you, I'll just go for an hour, you know, to make the tea, and then I'll

be back.

You got a boyfriend?

No, I haven't. Found you go to the dance?

To see the usual crowd. What else?

Listen, I'm the only thing that nobody queues up for.

Billy Patterson is waiting for us.

Such a sweetheart.

What a great actor. And a fabulous actor.

Oh, look, there he is. Hey, you're here.

Well met.

Oh, how wonderful.

Welcome back to Foday's. Hi, Bill.

Oh, let me, Bill.

There's a process.

You've done this before. I've got to go like this, test it.

Like it's eating her food for a case of poison. Test it.

Oh, yeah.

There we are. And we're touching down just one small step. Touching down. For

a woman.

Touching down. For a big leap for Miriam Margulies.

Thank you. Welcome back to the night. Thank you.

Isn't it wonderful to be back? Oh, my goodness. I can't believe it.

It is 41 years. 41 years.

It's 41 years.

1980, we stood up there round the corner beside the phone box. Let's go.

Will you wheel me round?

Can we go for a little stroll? Yes, ma'am. Wait a minute, ma'am. I'll get

your chair, ma'am. Yes, because I have to have a wheelchair now.

Miss Margulies, you're right.

Thank you. Oh, you have you.

Isn't that lovely?

And that means we can go as far as we like.

As the actress said to the bishop.

Bill and I loved our time in Fordyce so much, we decided to buy the house we

were filming in. But before we show Alan why the village is so special, Bill's

taking me on a trip down memory lane.

Hey, no for the reading of the will.

Thousands of pictures, but here's a wee selection.

This is during the last drive.

That's you.

This is what we were filming, and this is me as...

Rabbi. Rabbi.

No, I was just Moushey Cayden. You weren't a rabbi. No, I wasn't a rabbi.

You just looked so rabbinical. I looked rabbinical.

And this was on my 35th birthday. I see, that's a birthday cake you got there. A

birthday cake. Janet Fogel. Oh, Janet Fogel. Oh, I love her.

And here's a delightful shot of Miriam visiting the ensuite facilities. I

didn't know you took that.

Yes, you did.

Did I? You asked for it. Was I posing? You were posing. It was sort of

preparing for the dunny. She said, this is where I want to go.

Look at the legs, though. Check those gums. I know.

And that's the exterior of the house. Oh, that's the place. And Miriam in

front. And this is an aerial view that the old farmer gave to me, Robbie gave,

because he had one of these done.

This is the house, but you have the steadings as well. The whole steadings.

That's in the garden? Yeah, this is in the garden up at the house.

That's a look, Miriam.

Let's say that was my character. Oh, that was your character. I see that

makes sense with the DMO code After all this reminiscing it's time to show Alan

how beautiful for dice, right?

No, this is known as the leg over I've heard about that. I must try it. I

haven't had a leg over a while, but there we are the way you're going Your

luck is in Miriam. I know your luck may be in tonight.

I threw my

I threw my posy over the rainbow.

Bill adores Fordyce just as much as I do, and I can't wait to see if

anything's changed since we filmed here 40-odd years ago.

This is Fordyce Castle.

It's a little Scots Barodio gem.

1592. Look at all the features.

Your corbels. It's been renovated since I was here. Crow-step gabling.

Turrets. Double glazing. The double glazing, of course, came in in 1593,

just the year afterwards, because it was a noisy religion at the time.

I bought a car here, £35 Ford Escort.

Wow. A guy had been keeping chickens in it.

He just threw the chickens out and sold it to me for £35.

And I drove it to Glasgow.

It went. I drove it to Glasgow via the Braemar Gathering to see Her Majesty.

It's a nice feeling that somewhere that you haven't seen for a while has not

deteriorated. How does this make you feel walking around here? I know it

makes me feel exhausted going up a hill with an 80-year-old lady in a

wheelchair, but how are you two doing?

I could take over, but I'm not insured.

I feel emotional and also a little bit surprised that it's

changed in its...

feeling, isn't it? It's a slightly different, because I think when we were

there, and that's 40 years ago, it was just at the end of its life, or towards

the end of its life, as a working mixed town, you know, people still connected

to the farm. And you get the feeling now that it's been sought out as a nice

commuter village or a restful retirement place, which means it looks great, and

it's got a prosperity that it didn't seem to have then.

How much further?

That's it, isn't it? That's the end of the village.

Alan? Yes?

Do you understand the magic of this place?

I do. I think it's absolutely beautiful. It's so... I mean, it's sort of

medieval, isn't it? Yes, absolutely.

It's got that sort of mystery and history and... Yeah, I can totally see

why if you're bunked up here for a bit filming, you'd think, this might be the

place for me.

Miriam, you know how you love that soup, that kind of Scottish fishy soup, but

you get this pronunciation.

Oh, yeah, Cullen Skink. Yes, except you call it Skullen Kink sometimes. I only

did once. Well, once was enough. But look, over there, Cullen is four miles

away. See?

Oh, yes. Your skink is at hand.

That must be the home of skink.

It's been wonderful to come back and meet my beautiful friend Bill in a place

we both love.

See you, Bill. Thanks for coming, Bill.

It was magic.

Cheerio.

Bye, Alan. Bye, Miriam.

Thank you. Write when you get work.

What did he say? He said write when you get work.

What a gent.

Part of the joy of our trip across Scotland's stunning landscape is we get

to show each other our Scotland and how it shaped who we are.

And today, we're heading somewhere that's very personal to me.

Panmure is a rural estate 13 miles north of Dundee and dates back to the 12th

century.

We're on the way to Panmure Estate, which is where I was brought up.

And I lived there from when I was four.

I moved when I was four until 17, until I went to drama school.

How do you feel when you come back?

I feel it's funny because it's been a long time since I've come back and I

feel a bit funny.

Palmure is a rural estate around 30 miles north of Dundee and dates back to

the 12th century.

My father was the head forester here and we lived in one of the estate houses

with my mum and brother.

That may sound idyllic, but truthfully, this wasn't a happy place for me.

my father still casts a long shadow over my life.

Despite this, my lovely friend has said he wants to share this part of his life

with me because it shaped the man he is now.

So this is where I would come and wait for the school bus every morning.

Of course, that sign's still the same.

The private, authorized persons only sign.

And this was where I'd walk down this driveway.

Oh, my God, this is so weird.

This was...

Where our paper box was I used to come running up here on Saturday to get my

comics And I used to hide and I remember hiding cigarettes behind a tree It's

like it's I'm sort of flashing back and forth. It must be flooded flooding back

actually images and But so it's kind of that weird thing, you know that if you

are from a place and then you

go back and you sort of still have a contact with it. I guess because my

parents separated and I didn't really maintain a connection with this.

I went back to the little place where I grew up. It was in Oxford, but it was a

basement flat when my parents escaped from the bombing in London.

And it was all so much smaller.

Yeah. That's what I couldn't believe because I'm in my memory because I was a

little kid, you know That's what these drive and the garden seemed huge then.

Yeah, and it was just a little scrap Yeah

Memory is a strange thing

Every day

was like I was when I'd walk in here sick i'd be under scrutiny for my father

like walking up to school and walking back it was like this sort of did he

single you out for difficult stuff yeah i mean was he cruel to everybody he was

he was particularly cruel to me and my brother yeah yeah definitely i mean but

he was like a he was also very you know people were scared of him other other

people everybody was scared of him he was he was a tyrant

And it was sort of like it was sort of like that, you know I could feel his

eyes on me and I would like if it was my hair combed properly if I'd any but you

know what badges on their blazers at school he'd would hate that I'd have to

take them off and Put them on when I go on the bus and put them on again So I

had all these used to have bits of clothing stashed behind trees How

awful yeah, it was awful it was really awful

Oh

Hate to think of you going through that.

Any child.

Roy.

Gird your lines, Miriam.

I am girded.

Can I come with?

Yes. Hang on, I'll come and get you.

This used to be a garden and there was a road over there.

So crazy.

Some of the most traumatic things in my life happened in this shed. Oh, God.

So nuts. This is like... I mean, to me, you know, it's just a shed.

Yes. But to you, there's a... There's a lot going on. My dad's... This is where

my dad sheared my head with... You know, cut my hair with sheep shears.

in this shed.

You know what?

I'm fine.

Because I didn't feel like that when I was a little boy.

I'm sorry you had to go through such horrible things.

That was my bedroom.

Through that hedge, there's... It was just a big lawn.

And I remember wanting my dad...

wanted me to cut the grass in the dark.

This is freaking me out.

I feel very privileged that Alan's prepared to share what is clearly still

an open wound with his travelling buddy.

I hope it's been cathartic.

How do you feel? I feel very wobbly.

I mean, do you feel when you left?

Yeah, that that this was That you were escaping totally Totally, I felt like I

got I it's interesting. I think about it now. I didn't have a plan B I You know

audition for one drama school when I was 17 I got in and I will let I fled and I

knew I was never coming back You knew that when you left? Yes, and it's funny

to come back and think this, you know, this would be a lovely place to live

If you hadn't had massive childhood trauma in it.

It's so interesting.

I know I can go inside.

I'm allowed to go inside today.

But I don't want to.

It's too much.

Oh, Miriam, I'm sorry I'm making you cry.

Well, it's... When you think of a child...

being Hurt by the very person who should provide that's the biggest mindfuck is

that's the person is supposed to protect you Most of all is the one who's hurting

you. It's still very difficult. Yeah Come on, that's cool.

Yes My father died in 2010

Panmure will always be a part of my life, and I hope that one day I'll be

able to go inside my old home.

But for now, it's time to move on.

We're heading north to Cawdor.

where Alan's getting DNA results that could link him to a noble Scottish

family. But whilst he may be going up in the world, after a week on the road, his

driving still has room for improvement.

You're very close to the edge on my side.

I'm on the edge, the edge, the edge, the edge, the edge, the edge, the edge.

Who's that?

I don't know, but somebody very distressed.

Lady Gaga.

Oh, now, I admire her. Oh, you do? Wow, that's nice.

Me too. I do. Why do you admire her?

I've heard her talk, and she's very bright. Yeah.

And I've seen her acting, and I thought it was very good.

I prefer her to Madonna.

Oh, me too. I think Madonna is over.

Why are you laughing?

Is this something I never thought I'd hear you say when I woke up this

morning? I think Madonna's over, Miriam Margulies.

You don't want to incur the wrath of Madonna, though.

I get nervous when you start saying things about Madonna.

Why? I'm worried that Madonna's going to turn on you.

You can't live your life being frightened of Madonna.

Christ.

Let her be frightened of you, darling. Right.

You're quite right.

After a week on the road, the nail-biting wait is almost over.

We're heading back north to Korda for the moment of... Truth.

To find out whether Alan's related to the lords and ladies of Cawdor Castle.

But with a long drive ahead of us through the outskirts of the Cairngorms

National Park, we've got a rather messy problem to sort out first.

The number of Brits opting for a staycation is on the up, and camper vans

have grown in popularity.

But some so-called dirty campers have taken to emptying their on-board toilets

at beaches and local beauty spots.

But there are a growing number of low-cost sites called airs where

travellers can stop to use the facilities and after several days on the

road we desperately need them.

This is Miriam, by the way, Ruri. Hello, you're Ruri? Ruri, yes.

Ruri Ormiston runs this air in Kinusi on the west side of the Cairngorms.

Where does all of it go once it's gone in your tanks?

This goes into a holding tank. What do you mean a holding tank?

What's holding for?

For shit.

No, I know it's for shit, but holding tank means it's going to go somewhere

else. Yes, it's taken away by a vacuum tanker and they take it straight to

the...

You know, to the sewage station, yeah.

And then gets purified, I suppose.

Yeah, I believe that's what they do. Your shit will be purified. My shit

could not be purified. You're better not to think about it too much. Oh, this is

a man's job.

Right. Although I have to be very careful because we get lots of lady

campers. The masculine sort, like me, you mean?

Well, we have all sorts.

I won't say any more than that.

That's all right, I don't mind. It's not just lesbians that have RVs, Miriam, all

right? We've had quite a few ladies travelling solo and they like the idea

of coming in here to stay because they know that it's safe. They're safe, yeah.

I've just seen there's a goat there with a security jacket on.

Small talk over.

It's time to do the deed and with Miriam's high-fibre diet, I'm more than

a bit nervous.

The important thing is just to take your time when you're doing it.

We don't want any accidents. No, we do not. No, no, take your time, love.

It's like a little trolley for going on the airport. Oh, that's good.

I feel like a flight attendant for poop airlines.

Right, so what do I do now?

Now, you want to take your nozzle out.

I don't, actually, for once, but... If you bend it to the upward position.

Poor Rory.

Not without a few cocktails first.

God, it's blue!

What have you been eating?

And then if you just... Right, I'll trolley-dolly my way back.

But before we leave Rory's heir, he's giving us the opportunity to get up

close and personal with a true hairy Highlander.

Who's this now?

That's Horny.

Horny? Now, Horny, don't be bad with your horns.

Come on, Horny.

Watch out.

They are pretty yeah, well more they're impressive They're

very iconic of course if you come to the Highlands everybody wants to see a hail

and carry they do but not everyone gets to see them this close no Thanks

to smashing little places like Rory

Ormiston's the Highlands are clear of crap and we're a little lighter and to

wind up the week We're heading back to Macbethland, Cawdor, just east of

Inverness.

Clams thou art, and Cawdor, and shalt be what thou art promised.

Yet do I fear thy nature.

It is too full of the milk of human kindness. How many times have you done

this to me?

Earlier in the week, my favourite Shakespearean thesp showed me a painting

of the first Baron of Cawdor, who bears a striking resemblance to him.

And today, Alan will finally find out if he's related to nobility.

God help us.

I'm so excited.

I bet you are.

We're on our way to meet Liza Campbell.

She's got the results of the DNA test. She hasn't looked at them, apparently,

and she's going to give... Now, just remind me who Liza is. Liza is the

sister of the current Earl of Kodar.

Right. The Earl's sister?

The Earl's sister, yeah.

Have you ever met her before? Not in real life, no. Someone posted that

picture, the picture of the man that looks like me, and she commented on it.

Then we started emailing, and she was having a laugh. She was calling me

stepbrother and everything and all these things.

And so she's not looked at the envelope, but she's going to give it to you, and

you are going to be like Faye Dunaway at the Academy Awards.

It's the only time in my life I'll be like Faye Dunaway, that's for sure.

Two weeks ago, Liza and I sent off saliva samples to test our DNA.

So not only are we about to meet for the first time, today we'll find out if

we're related.

I am as excited as a kid at Christmas.

Hello. Hello.

How are you doing? All right.

You've got the envelope. The envelope? Oh, my God. Yes, yes, yes.

I'm Miriam, hello.

Hello, hello, I'm Liza.

This is Sydney.

Sydney? Yeah, who's in a state of emotional collapse most of the time. Oh,

really? I know what that feels like.

Oh, you really? Come through to the garden where we can sit. Come on,

Sydney. So you're a bit of an aristocrat, aren't you?

Only a bit.

About the same amount as Alan.

Well, we'll see. We'll see.

Now, what are these things?

Oh, that's a very wild rose with massive hips.

Look at them.

A bit like me.

Very prickly as well. Is that like you too?

Did you grow up on the estate?

No. I was born here. Yeah. I think I was the last child to be born here. In the

castle? In the castle. Must be fun to live in a big old castle.

It was.

It's actually not.

It's cosy, though. It's a manageable castle. It's domestic. It's adorable.

Yeah. It's warm.

When my grandfather had it, the kitchen was at the furthest end of the house to

ensure that no food was warm by the time it arrived.

And also the nursery was as far away from everyone as possible, so... That's

a very good idea, though.

Now, you know the picture, don't you? I do, yes. Do you not see a resemblance?

Yes. Oh, yes.

Oh, definitely.

People always go and they send me postcards with that picture going, what

the hell?

And I said, I guess I'll never know unless I can get a chunk of the Earl of

Cawdor's hair or something. But I've got even better, I've got the saliva of you.

Now, I believe you're holding some information. I am. I'm very excited. Me

too.

Do you want to take a look?

Alan Cumming and Liza Campbell. Oh, I like it. It's very...

The calligraphy is very nice.

No pressure, ma'am, but don't fuck this up.

Oh, it's like a reality show. They always leave a gap when the thing's

about to come up for the tension to build.

Extensive research has been conducted, and we can now reveal that Alan

Cumming and Lady Elizabeth Campbell are not related by blood in

a way that we are able to measure.

It has, however, been discovered... There's a but. ..that Alan Cumming has

more Scottish DNA than Lady Elizabeth Campbell.

Hampshire Highlander.

That's funny.

We were able also to trace Alan's family on his father's side back to

Cawdor. Please see Alan's family tree enclosed.

Oh! So that, I think...

I will let you look at, because it's far too small print for me to cope with.

Are you disappointed, or...? I mean, it would have been lovely to be related,

but I'm just so glad to have met you. But also, I think there's a but in here,

and that is, you might be, and we might not be. All right.

And I think it's quite possible... There could have been some lay-by.

That we were. We're the illegitimate ones.

So what you need to do is John, the romantic pointing one, is buried in Bath

Cathedral. Dig him up. Exactly.

Dig him up. There's our next series.

Next time, Miriam and I travel to the stunning west coast of Scotland.

Where Alan does a bit of unconventional house hunting on Loch Broome. It's like

state agent porn from the sea.

before driving across to Inverness to meet a real-life witch.

And in the fifth, the spell shall hold.

And we finish the week in Ardgower, where we record a unique Gaelic song.

Or go into a private place and record your boobs clattering together.

How about that?