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Ladies and Gentleman, are you ready for the man that you've come to see?

The one and only... John Crist!

Oooooh, you guys!

Ogden, how you guys doing?

Thank you so much. What's up everybody?

Oh man you guys feeling good?

They are all like, "Hey we got to shoot a comedy special.

"Let's do it. Where do you want to do it? Like New York? LA?"

I was like, "Nah..."

You know where I want to go?

Ogden, Utah, everybody! Yeah!

Ha ha!

Oh man!

I'm so happy to be here. It's my first time ever in Ogden you guys.

My first time here.

I've seen it before on TV...

but that was on COPS.

"Ogden, Utah." I was like, "I've seen this place before!"

Like that's the only way that anyone would ever know about Ogden.

There's no other show.

There' s no like Real Housewives of Ogden.

That would be the worst show ever.

"Cheryl and Becky go to Applebees."

I'm already breaking the rules.

My agent said, "hey if there is anything you need to know

"about a comedy special, it's going to be all over everywhere.

"Don't do any local references."

I was like, "No, I'm going to talk about Ogden the whole time. Okay?"

They were like, "Everybody is going to see this all over the country."

I was like, "No, why reward those people?

"I'm going to reward the people that came to the show."

Amen, everybody?

Right.

In fact, I was at the park this afternoon and a guy's car was broken down.

He was like, "I want to jump it." I was like, "You're going to need a ramp, and a bike!"

"What?" See...

Look at everybody dying laughing; the people at home are like, "I don't get this one."

Yeah, you should of come to the show, okay?

That was a callback to the other comedian's joke.

Number one rule of something you should definitely not do.

This is awesome, ha ha.

Oh man, I like this place.

What are we doing after the show you guys? We hanging out?

Well I'm on the financial struggle tight you guys.

Anybody on the financial struggle?

Dude, I got to the airport the other day

and they told me my bag was going to be fifty dollars to check it.

I just left it.

I was like...

I was like, "I can buy all of this stuff for thirty when I get there."

Fifty dollars!

Okay -- you're not taking fifty dollars for some Old Navy sandals and a Salty Dog Cafe shirt. Okay?

I wrote my roommate my rent check the other day.

He looks at the check and goes, "Uh, look dude.

"Everbody knows this. When you write a check

"you have to write all the way to the end of the line."

So what?

Nobody writes in extra money.

I was like, "Who's going to cash a check

"for 587 dollars and one million dollars?"

What? Nobody.

Doesn't even make any sense.

No one is using cash anymore.

It used to be cash was a sign of wealth and prosperity.

Now, it's just a sign of a poor credit score.

There's no reason to be carrying a bunch of cash.

I think this you guys, I think it's time we take the presidents' faces off the curency.

It used to be a sign of honor and respect to our forefathers.

You know, we're honoring them with our currency.

Now, like, think about it. George Washington was a committed, married, Christian man.

If he had any idea how we were using one dollar bills these days?

He wouldn't want his face anywhere near that.

Okay?

Go ahead. Ha ha.

I'm just thinking about it, I mean, let's be real honest

if any president should be on the one dollar bill...

it should be Bill Clinton. Okay?

It doesn't make any sense, man.

I don't know, I just see things differently.

My mind just works differently. You know what I'm saying?

Like, have you ever been asked for money when you order fast food?

You order your meal and then they ask you for an additional dollar?

"Sir. Excuse me sir.

"Would you be willing to donate an extra dollar to help at-risk children?"

An extra dol -- okay, my whole meal was three.

You want an additional dollar?

That's a heck of a sacrifice!

The place is packed full of people.

"Sir do you even care about children?"

You gonna ask me that in front of the whole place right now?

"Sir, do you even care about children?"

I'm like, "Yeah, I got a pair of TOMS. Clearly I care about children. Okay?"

In Chipotle, they do it different.

They don't ask for a whole dollar.

They realize it's a lot of a sacrifice.

So what they do is ask you to round your meal up to the next dollar

to support whatever issue they got going on.

Last I was at Chipotle, I ordered extra guacamole.

My meal was seven dollars and ninety eight cents.

True story. The lady looks me dead straight in the eye and goes,

"Sir, would you be willing...

"would you be willing to donate an extra two cents to help the children?"

I'm all...

"Nah I'm good. I'm good.

"Let me get a chocolate chip cookie though.

"Appreciate it. I gotta to get going."

Sometimes as a comedian, you know something is funny about a topic,

but you gotta like mine it to find the humor in there.

You have to polish it, and bring it to the club.

You know, sometimes God will just give you a joke. Just pre-made.

Just ready to go.

I just gotta tell this story exactly how it happened.

Last time I was in McDonald's you guys -- McDonald's.

I order my meal at McDonald's,

lady goes, "Sir, would you be willing to donate an extra dollar

"to help stop childhood obesity?"

We're at McDonald's!

What are we going to do, just raise enough money to close this place down?

Just going to put skinny doors in this place so fat kids can't get in?

How's this gonna work?

[mocking audience member] "Oh no!"

Maybe every happy meal comes with a pair of running shoes?

I don't know, how's it work? I don't know how it works!

"Sir?

"Sir, do you even care? Do you even care about children?"

I'm like, "It's 2:30 in the morning and I'm at McDonald's."

I barely care about myself!

No.

The world's just a crazy place, man,everywhere I go,

I just see things differently.

You ever have like a really immature thought sneak into your head like that?

Like we're all responsible, mature adults. You know what I'm saying?

You ever been like driving to the office, being a responsible, mature adult,

and you see one of those cyclists on the side of the road?

And you're like, "I wonder if I just like... mmm..."

Not kill them! Just scare them a little bit, you know what I'm saying? Just... you know.

"Share the road." Share the ditch, buddy. There's plenty of room down there.

So dumb!

Please don't judge me for this you guys, this is the most immature thought

I've ever had in my life. Okay?

It was after a show the other day, I was in the bathroom.

I was standing at the urinal, looking forward, being a mature adult. Okay?

Minding my own business. Looking forward.

Then a guy comes in, pulls up to the urinal right next to me, and I look down,

and I see that he is wearing sandals, and I'm all like, "I wonder if I just like..."

What kind of a mature adult has a thought like that?

That just came in. I was like, "What?!" And then I was like, "I gotta do it quick! I can't just..."

Ha ha. Can't...

Can't just pee on a guy's foot!

Gotta make it look like an accident. "Whoops, sorry."

Look at some of you females like, "This is disgusting."

Okay, and then some of you guys are like, "Mmm... I'm doing that.

"That's a good idea right there."

I just...

I just see things differently.

I was at Starbucks the other day just sitting there minding my own business.

A little kid comes up and taps me on the shoulder. He's like,

"Hey, my name's Dillan.

"I'm six."

I was like, "Okay, cool." I just gave him a high five, walked off, best day of his life.

Then I was just sitting there, and I was like, "What's the age where you're

"not allowed to do that anymore?"

Ha ha. Like what if... Ha!

What if you're just sitting at Starbucks, you're like, "Hey, my name is Gary.

"I'm 47." Hey buddy!

You shouldn't be out here.

"I like chicken nuggets."

"I'm calling the cops! Okay?"

Things are just different with the kids these days.

Do you have kids sir?

[yes]

What are your kids names?

[Savanna, Adam, Shelby]

So okay, those are the whitest names ever. Okay?

Savanna, Adam, Shelby and what?

[Melony]

Okay, alright.

I like that, sir. Well done.

See, I just think...

I was at the park the other day, and

I heard a mom yell at her daughter.

She goes, "Barista! Come here please."

Yeah. Ha!

"Barista. Please come here, Barista."

White parents are naming their baby girl Barista now?

Like way to set your kid up for a lifetime of success.

"Here's our daughter Barista. Here's our son Frycook."

Oh what are their middle names? "No Health Insurance. They're real cute!"

Just name your kids something normal. I like those names.

Normal names.

I was eating dinner at the restaurant the other day.

The server, her name tag said Waitress.

I'm not even making this up. Exactly spelled, exactly -- it said Waitress.

I tried to get her attention. I was like,

"Excuse me, waitress?"

She goes, "Uh, excuse me, it's 'wa-treese'."

[laughing]

What?

Hold on, your name is "wa-treese'?!

She was explaining, she's like, "It's a French name. Okay? It's French. Okay?"

I was like, "Hey 'wa-treese', why don't you run back there in the kitchen

"and get me some 'spin-aach' dip. Okay?"

"Wa-treese!"

That's ridiculous.

People are naming their kids all kinds of crazy names.

I just think if you are going to name your kid a weird name, name him something

racially neutral. You know what I'm saying?

You don't give away the race of the baby before you meet him.

It's going to cause the kid problems later in life.

Just hear me out. Okay? Don't everybody tense up. Okay? Just calm down.

Everybody is like, "Where is he going with this one?

"I'm not sure."

I'm just saying if you have one spot left on the basketball team

and your two choices are DeAndre and Caleb...

[laughing]

Caleb ain't making that squad.

Racially neutral names. Like if you're setting me up on a blind date and my

two choices are like Esmeralda and Amber. Who do you think I'm going with?

Wrong. Esmeralda. Amber's are always crazy.

Ambers are always...

Everybody knows a white girl named Amber that is crazy. Okay?

Esmeralda will take you to a restaraunt you never heard of;

Amber will stab you in the parking lot. Okay? Watch your back.

[laughing]

Watch for Amber.

This is true. I must of told a joke that was across the line the other day,

and the bartender, when I was leaving, he goes, "Hey man, you better walk out the back.

"There's somebody in the parking lot waiting for you."

I was like, "What? Who is it?"

He goes, "I don't know, but he said his name was Cody."

Pffft!

I ain't worried about no dude named Cody!

What's he going to do? Slap me with a sandal? We're good!

It's 10:30 at night and Cody's a Vegan. He's out of energy. Okay? We're fine.

We're fine.

What's he going to do? Chase me in his Prius? Okay!

Cody!

[laughing]

Just saying that...

The name gives it away. You know what I'm saying?

My name is John. And I asked my parents, "Why did you name me John?"

They said, "It's a bible name.

"It's a bible name. We thought if we named you a bible name,

maybe you'd be a good kid."

No.

Parents listen up. Very important.

Just because you name your kid a bible name doesn't mean he's going

to be a good kid. Okay?

I'm not positive. Again I'm not positive, but I'm pretty sure, in sixth grade a kid

named Jesus stole my bike.

[laughing]

[clapping]

Of all the ones to cheer for, that's the one. "Yeeeeaah!" Okay.

I'm just saying...

If you see it, you let...

And people now... It drives me crazy, because my dad is a preacher

I grew up in church and people that are naming their kids bible names,

they're not even reading the bible anymore. They're just flipping through...

picking a character.

I did a show at a church the other day. A couple comes up to me after the show,

"Here's our two sons, Judas and Goliath."

[laughing]

Okay if you don't get that joke you better just laugh along because

the real Christians in here are judging you right now, okay?

[clapping]

Those aren't the good characters, okay?

"I didn't get that last bible one..."

I did. I grew up in church. My dad's a preacher.

I grew up in Atlanta, Georgia. [Wooo!]

Yeah, you from there?

[Yep!]

Really, where? [Fultan County]

Fultan County, I love it. Yeah it's kind of the ghetto, but okay.

Like, "I went to Fultan County on a church mission trip once!

"It's a good place! It's a great place."

I'm just kidding.

But being out here on the road, like I've gotta pray

and read the bible every day if I want to overcome the devil. You know what I'm saying?

Growing up in Georgia was easier. All I had to do was just beat him at a fiddle competition.

[laughing]

"Oh I get it! Okay. I see."

But I just moved. I live out in Los Angeles now. I live out in LA. And uh...

I haven't found a church to go to. I haven't found a church out in LA to go to.

So I've been giving my tithe money to this Christian organization

that feeds the hungry...

Chick-fil-A

[laughing]

I like how some of these take a second. "Oh, okay!"

But it is, it's weird. Because when I grew up

in a Christian school and church, everyone was a Christian.

Now, you know there's not so much... People are still Christian but...

Out in LA and Vegas and stuff, I don't see so many.

So when you see a Christian, I've gotta belike buddies with them.

Which I don't know what that's about?

You know, like when you have a Jeep, and you see another guy with a Jeep.

You're like...

You know. Like if you have a Raiders jersey, and you see another guy that's Mexican.

[laughing]

[clapping]

That type of thing. You know what I'm saying? It's that type of thing.

Wow. You guys are my favorite.

It drives me crazy, all these immature thoughts I have all the time.

I try to stay out of trouble.

You guys, is it legal to text and drive here?

[Yeah.] It is...

Okay. Do you guys have law enforcement?

Yeah okay. Ha ha!

Here's how you know that texting and driving has gone too far.

You ever been texting at a red light and looked up to see that the light was yellow?

[laughing]

[laughing]

Nah I didn't like this one. I'm gonna wait for the next one.

I didn't feel good.

I'm gonna wait. I'm gonna wait for...

No listen. Everybody knows the rules.

When you're at a red light, you rely on the person next to you to watch. Okay?

You text. They watch. When they go you go. Everybody knows!

I was texting at a red light, looked up, seen that the light was yellow,

looked over at the lady next to me...

she was texting too!

Like we should just go in the DMV with our drivers licenses

like, "Hey, we shouldn't have these any more. We shouldn't. We don't deserve these."

It's the texting. It's just for short messages. It can wait.

Like, "I'll be there in five minutes." "Pick up some milk."

"We're breaking up."

You know, just short....

[laughing]

Short messages.

This is a problem for me because I've got a big family. I'm one of eight kids you guys.

Eight kids. Yeah.

That's too many.

It was eight kids, all of us home schooled.

Yeah.

What? No. I don't appreciate that. A lot of people, when I say I was home schooled,

a lot of people make fun of home school. I don't make fun of it. Okay?

To me it was the goodest thing that ever happened to me.

[laughing]

Does everybody get that joke?

"That don't sound right to me!"

But I was real sheltered, because I grew up in church and homeschool.

Like I didn't realize how sheltered I was until last time I went home.

I was looking through an old photo album.

I saw a picture of me and my little brother in the bathtub together.

You guys, I was 17.

[laughing]

[laughing]

"That ain't right."

But it is, now everytime like, every time I go home, this is the problem.

This is why I have these immature thoughts, is every time I go home,

Christmas or whatever, there's two tables. Right?

There's a bunch of grandkids now.

Parents' table, kids' table.

Parents' table, kids' table.

I'm single,

make a living as a stand up comedian.

Guess which table they seat me at?

Yeah, kids'. Like, "Ah ha, you gotta sit at the kids'..."

I'm gonna stop that argument right here. Kids' table is amazing!

It is!

Why would you want to hear Dave's story about the middle class tax cuts,

when you could hear Dillian's story about how one night all of his stuffed animals came to life

and they snuck out and robbed a bank?

[laughing]

Ha ha. Yeah!

Kids' table is amazing.

Like my uncle, trying to impress everybody talking about his 401k.

Whatever! My nephew can snort a noodle up his nose and pull it out of his mouth! Okay?

[laughing]

I was like, "What are you doing?"

He was like, "Aaaaaaah!"

This kid said he was flossing his brain.

"This kid's amazing..."

My sister... Like, I realized this. Like, kids are idiots.

Not your kids, other people's kids.

Not...

You can tell them anything. They believe anything.

They'd be like, "Tell us a story." I told them how I survived the Titanic.

Yeah!

I was like, "It was crazy. Leo was there, Celine Dion was singing."

And they're like...

[laughing]

I taught them all how to fart using their armpit.

I was like, "Hey, kids! Check this out."

They were all, "Oh! Where did you learn that?"

I was like, "Vietnam. We had some down time, okay?"

[laughing]

You can tell them anything.

Kids are great man.

And my sister don't let me sit at the kids' table anymore.

She's like, "You ain't sitting at the kids' table, no more!"

I don't know why my sister is like a 45 year old black woman in this bit.

Sorry she didn't...

That's a bad.. she didn't... That's a bad impression of her.

She didn't do... There was none of this. So, sorry.

"You are not sitting at the kids' table anymore." That sounds about like her.

I was like, "Why not?"

She goes, "Well last week, you told my daughter that America was discovered by Christopher Columbus

and Mexico was discoverd by Dora the Explorer.

[laughing]

[clapping]

She spoke Spanish. I don't know. Ha ha!

Oh man...

That's not good.

I try to be mature, man. I try.

I'm like right in the middle of like...

Let me ask you sir, what's your name, sir? [Tim]

Tim. At what age would you say that you got a cell phone?

[Thinking aloud]

Forty-five? Thirty-five?

She's like, "Uh-uh, that ain't right."

Yeah, so I'm like right in the middle, my little brothers and sisters, my nieces, they got cellphones

when they were like 12. I'm right in the middle, you know,

so I got one like after, right about around college. Okay?

I'm always having to choose a side between the parents and the kids. Right? Because like

my sisters like, "I want to get a tattoo of my sorority on my back

"but it's going to be on a dolphin riding a unicorn.

"I have it designed and everything but Dad said I couldn't."

I was like, "Hmm... I think I'm on Dad's side on this one." Okay?

But then my little nephew's like, "Hey what do you think would happen

"if I ate this whole one pound bag of tootsie rolls at once?"

I was like...

"We should probably figure that out!"

We should get that done!

He was like puking on the couch and we just flip the cushions. "We're good!"

Always having to choose a side. You know what I'm saying?

So my dad... All the kids with the cell phones. He was like,

"You kids and your cell phones! Life is so much easier with the cell phones."

And I'm like, "No, Dad. We have cell phones now, it makes life way harder."

Way harder. Right?

He was like, "I had to walk up hill both ways in the snow to school."

I was like, "Dad, I had to walk downhill one-way in the sun to school,

but then I tripped on the curb and now that YouTube video has got two million views, Dad!"

[laughing]

It's way harder.

He's like, "You don't know what it's like to have a camera, take a photo,

"rewind the film, get the film out, walk it up to the developer, wait three days,

"and get the camera back."

I was like, "Dad, excuse me. You don't know what it's like to find the perfect mirror,

"take a selfie, upload it to Instagram, add a saturation and two filters,

"and still only get seven likes! Dad!"

[clapping]

He doesn't get it. You know what I'm saying? He just doesn't get it.

He's like, "We had our own home remedies growing up. We didnt have our own doctors."

I was like, "We got Obamacare, we don't either!"

[cheering]

Ah! I knew I should of come to Utah! Yeah!

Yeah, I knew you guys would get my back on that one.

I try to be mature, I really do, you guys. I try.

All of these immature thoughts. Not good.

My roommates all they ever do is play video games all day.

I'm like, "Guys, you've got to stop playing video games."

They're like, "John, we're different, bro. We're different.

"We only play games rated 'M' for 'mature'."

I was like, "Wait, hold on. They make videogames rated 'M' for 'Mature'?"

Doesn't that exclude... everybody that plays videogames?

[clapping]

How does that work?

I was at the pool the other day.

And... guys I don't even know how else to say this besides just saying it.

A guy next to me asked me to put sun tan lotion on his back.

I was like, "What?"

He's like, "Dude, come on man, it's Bro Code. Bro Code."

Bro Code? I never heard of a "Bro Code"?

I wouldn't even put sun tan lotion on the back of my actual, real brother.

No, I'm not doing it. No.

And this is what I realized, very important. Guys, listen up.

All we ever do, when all the guys are together, we make fun of things woman do.

"Ah ha, the spa treatments. Aaah. The romantic comedies, ah."

I'm going to be real honest with you guys.

Two weeks ago I got a pedicure. Changed my life. Okay?

What?

I always make fun of everything woman do.

But first time I do them, I'm like, "This is incredible." Every time.

"Oh girls, a girl would drink that drink."

Well it tastes delicious. Okay?

And more fruit in this thing. Okay? It's amazing.

And all of my buddies are like, "Oh dude, pfft, you're not a real man.

"You're gonna go get a pedicure, bleh."

I'm like, "Excuse me. Okay? Let me just break this down for you.

"There's no more manly activity on earth, than a pedicure. Okay?

"You're sitting on throne. Okay? Being massaged by a machine here.

"While a woman that doesn't speak your foreign language

"is sitting on the floor massaging your feet!"

[clapping]

You're like...

You're like one step away from being like, "More grapes please!"

[clapping]

You're like an Egyptian pharaoh in a Brookstone.

It's incredible!

I'll get one of those things everyday of the week.

All of my buddies are like, "Uhh dude, pfft... look at John.

"Dude, you going to wear that purple sweater that your girl bought for you?"

Yeah, I am.

I don't think I should be taking fashion advice from a guy that's wearing

Coors Light Crocs right now. Okay?

[laughing]

It makes no sense.

And they're like, "Dude, it's bro night, we're going to watch a movie. Want to come over? It's Guys' night."

I'm like, "No. I'm going to Vanessa's house. Okay? We're gonna watch Love Actually.

"It's a fantastic film.

"I'm not gonna sit on a urine-stained futon,

"with you dudes trying to fart the alphabet. Okay? No.

"Absolutely not."

They're like, "Well what are you guys gonna watch?"

I'm like, "We're going to watch The Notebook."

They're like, "Pfft The Notebook. That would never happen in real life."

I was like, "Excuse me. I didn't know Godzilla was based on a true story."

[laughing]

Drives me crazy.

So I grew up... like...

What's like a bad area of Ogden? Like where's that?

[laughing]

I shouldn't have said that. My bad! My bad.

You're like, "The whole place. The whole place." Okay.

[laughing]

Okay, well...

What's like the nice area?

I thought that... Maybe that's a better way to ask.

So I grew up like... I always tried to be like...

I always wanted to be black when I was a kid, you know what I'm saying?

But I was like, "This is what I look like, you know?"

Like I was trying to be a thug you know, all the time. Like I had a pair of Jordan's,

but I bought them with a gift certificate I won from reading the most books in summer reading.

You know, so it wasn't like a...

So anyway, I just moved down in LA, and I live in a bad area of town.

And I just moved there, like I grew up in the suburbs, gated community,

with a picket fence, you know, all this...

and like the guys in the street, they're always getting on me all the time.

They're like, "John! You ain't going to survive in the street, bro!"

Because this is what I look like. This isn't a costume or nothing.

This is just how I...

That's not the joke, mam. But okay, uh...

This is just the cards I was dealt. You know what I'm saying?

Like never once... I wish for one time in my life, I'd be standing at a street corner,

a soccer mom would pull up to the intersection, see me on the corner...

lock her doors.

Like I just want to know what that feels like. You know what I'm saying?

It's never happened.

They see me on the corner, they roll down their window,

and they're like, "Hey, do you where the nearest pottery barn is?"

[laughing]

I'm like, "Two lights up next to the Pier 1. But it's disrespectful, okay?"

This is the look...

Some of you guys are confused by my look, and I am too, honestly.

This happened to me the other day, because... In comedy,

the most important thing about comedy is you gotta stay humble. Always stay humble.

Sometimes you get a big head, think you're a big deal.

I was at Houston a couple weekends ago, sold out show.

Next morning I was at the mall. Okay?

Walking through the mall, minding my own business.

There's a family looking at me, and pointing at me.

I'm like, "Ah.. gotta go sign some autographs, you know?"

It's not about me, it's about the fans. You know what I'm saying?

I walk over to this family, I'm like, "Hey, did you guys have a good time

"at the show last night?" The lady was like, "We don't know about a show...

"but our daughter says you look like Jimmy Neutron."

[laughing]

"Ha, okay, I'm going to get going."

Anyway, it's happened my whole life. Everywhere, they look at me, no respect.

You know what I'm saying?

So I live in LA right now, the bad area of town. All the guys... I just moved in.

All the guys on the block, giving me trouble. You know what I'm saying?

Like, "Pfft, John, you ain't gonna survive On the street, bro.

"Look at you, bro. You ain't going to last a day down here on the street."

FInally I'd had enough. Two weeks of this, all day.

Finally I'd had enough. I was like, "I donno if that may be true, but I know for a fact,

"you guys wouldn't last a day in the suburbs."

[laughter]

He's like, "What are you talking about?"

I was all. "You don't know what it's like on the streets of Peach Blossom Trail."

[laughing]

He's like, "You ever been shot?"

I'm like, "You ever been blocked on Facebook?"

[laughing]

It's tough.

The suburbs...

The suburbs are tough!

He's like, "Bro, you don't understand. You don't know what it's like.

"If you walk on the wrong side of the street down here, you could get stabbed."

I'm like, "Okay, in the suburbs, you park on the wrong side of the street,

"and the HOA will tow your car. Okay?"

That's way worse.

It just never ends. You know what I'm saying.

He's like, "You don't know what it's like to not know where your next meal is going to come from."

I was like, "Excuse me, that may be true, but you dont know what it's like

"to have to eat a snack, and sit out of the pool for 30 minutes."

[laughing]

He's like, "It's Crips and Bloods on the streets."

I'm like, "It's Sharks and Minnows at the pool, son."

[clapping]

That's a life you don't know nothing about.

This is what happened to me the other day as I was walking down the street.

Again, I don't know the language of the street.

Maybe I don't understand, maybe I just don't get it.

I don't know. I was walking down the street minding my own business,

wearing a nice shirt, tucked into some slacks, ironed everything.

Whistling a hymn, you know, ready to go. Feeling...

I don't know why I was walking like this. But you know what I'm saying, I just...

Feeling good about my future.

A black guy... I'm walking on the sidewalk, minding my own business.

Black guy, sees me, walking towards him.

Again, black guy. Sees me. Walking towards him,

he looks me up and down and goes,

"What's up, Hobby Lobby?"

What?

Hobby Lobby?

Like I'm a comedian for a living. I don't know if that's the funniest

or the most racist thing I've ever heard.

Hobby Lobby?

I was upset. I was like, "You know. That's racism, that's a stereotype.

"We about to go." You know what I'm saying?

And by go, I mean I was gonna go.

I was gonna not...

I was gonna not be there.

[clapping]

I was upset. You know what I'm saying? That's racisim. It's 2015.

That's inappropriate.

But then, I was like, "Wait a second, you guys.

"Hobby Lobby's a nice place."

Right? You can get great deals on home decor there...

Very friendly service. Great selection.

If you're looking into arts and crafts, that's the place to go to.

That's the number one... I was like maybe he was trying to compliment me.

Maybe he looked at my creativity in putting this outfit together

and he was trying to give me a compliment. I mean, I didn't know!

Then I felt bad, he was walking away. I was like, "I've got to aknowledge this compliment somehow. I gotta say..."

So I was like, "Hey thanks, Burlington Coat Factory!"

[laughing]

[laughing]

Some of you white people look at me confused

because you've never been in a Burlington Coat Factory before.

It's really ghetto. Okay?

It's like a Kohl's for people on probation. Okay? That's a Berlington.

I do. We can all agree on this though:

United States of America is the best country on planet Earth everybody. Yeah?

Yeah!

That's it! We can all agree on that!

We're a crazy country... Because I travel all over the country.

I've been on a bunch of mission trips. I did a comedy tour for the troops in Kuwait.

All over, and I see the world differently. You know what I'm saying?

And uh.. did you guys notice America is a first world country?

First world country. P.S., world rating system...

Invented by us!

Okay, everybody! We're first, you're third!

[laughing]

Everybody's like, "What's the rating system based on?"

I don't know. We're number one though. That's what you need to know.

We are number one.

And people have said... You know, people have said

that our enconomy is not doing great. We could maybe get demoted to a

second world country.

No way!

That would never happen. It would never..

We'd be like, "New rules to the world system.

"It's now based on how many Starbucks you got in your country.

"We're the winners."

We're just so like, ignorant to other countries and other... like the world.

We have a national baseball competition in our country;

a competition goes on all year, between the baseball teams, in our country.

You know what the winner wins?

World Series!

The winner gets crowned champions of the entire planet!

Pretty sure the team in Nicaragua's watching like, "Yeah, we never played them."

I was watching TV the other night, I saw The World's Wildest Police Chases.

The World's Wildest Police Chases!

You know where they were?

Wyoming.

Impossible.

That's how we just think. We're just different as Americans. It's crazy.

What are you drinking there, sir?

[Diet Coke]

Diet Coke. Just straight up. Okay, well done. Okay.

I forgot, Mormons. Okay, I get it. I forgot.

Yeah you don't say...

"We don't say it publicly."

Well done, sir. Well done.

[laughing]

I was at a show the other day

and a guy was drinking a Mudslide.

Do you guys even know what that is?

Okay, one alcoholic in the back.

Yeah! Bring me one now! Hold on.

Guy was drinking a mudslide, and I was just thinking to myself,

like I said, my mind just works differently. I was like,

"We're so ignorant and arrogant as Americans. We have drinks...

"alcoholic drinks...

"based on the natural disasters of other countries."

Like go to India and order a mudslide. Okay? Very offensive.

Wiped out a whole village two weeks ago. You gonna drink a mudslide?

I'm just saying. It's like going to Ireland and ordering a car bomb.

[crowd reacting]

The bartender just starts crying. He'slike, "My grandpa died in one."

I'm like, "I'm sorry. I didn't know..."

I'm just saying.

You don't see people in foreign countries ordering drinks of American disasters.

Don't tighten up on me now, you guys.

I'm agreeing with you, things are offensive,

certain things would be across the line.

How upset would you be if you were sitting at a bar,

some European dude came in and ordered a Hurricane Katrina?

[laughing]

It's like thirteen ounces of alcohol in a twelve ounce glass.

[clapping]

It comes with an umbrella, but it's flipped over at the bottom.

Don't make me nervous, man.

Pretty soon, you might be sitting at the bar and somebody might pull up

and order a Barack Obama.

The bartender will be like, "what's that?"

You're like, "Well that's where you buy a drink you can't afford

and the guy next to you pays for it.

Yeaaah!

We're back!

We're back!

[clapping]

[clapping]

Got them back with the Obama joke.

I'm just kidding. I'm just saying. That's just...

Some of you guys are going to try and tell that joke at the office tomorrow.

You're going to mess it up and you're gonna go straight to HR. Okay?

I just get worried about the future you know what I'm saying? I worry.

I worry just like all you guys.

Make some noise if you've got kids. Anybody got kids in here? Parents in here?

Yeah!

Of course. We're in Ogden.

You've got a lot of kids.

I worry about the kids.

How old are your kids? Your kids are...

[20, 17, 16, and 6]

So the youngest is six. Okay.

That's the cut off. Anyone below six.

The future is...

Not good.

I've got a buddy... No, I've got a buddy who's got some little kids.

These are like four and five year old kids.

He invited me to come out and watch his kids play soccer. Okay?

I walk down the soccer field. Saturday morning.

I got there a couple minutes late, I walk out, I'm like, "Hey what's the score?

"What's the score of the game?"

"We don't keep score here."

I was like, "What?" He goes, "We don't keep score here.

"You see all these kids here? All these kids are winners."

I was like, "Excuse me. That kid has his jersey on inside out and he's chasing a butterfly.

"That kid ain't a winner."

[clapping]

That kid...

And guys, this is a true story.

Some of the school districts have outlawed--outlawed the use of red pen,

because they say, listen, "red is too aggressive of a color for kids."

True. Kids are going to see the color red and be reminded of their failure;

then when they get older, they're going to see red and be insecure.

So they use purple to grade the kids' papers now

because it's more inclusive of a color.

I don't even have a joke for that, I'm just reporting the news.

Are you kidding me?

Like here is the grading system for all of us coming through school.

A, B, C, D...

F. Like we skipped a letter, to make sure kids knew they were failures.

[laughing]

"A" through "D" don't even stand for any word but "F" stands for, "Failure."

Like just the paper? No you as a person, Timmy, the whole thing's a failure!

I just...I just think, we should change some things about the...

Kids need to learn. If I was President, the first act I would

initiate in the schools is the "Leave Some Kids Behind" act.

[clapping]

They... Ha!

They're not all winners.

Your kids are winners, I'm saying other people's kids.

I read about a school that plays musical chairs, with a chair for every kid.

That's not a game!

Drives me insane.

It's weird. I'm saying...

Kids, it drives me crazy. My neighborhood pool this year. They drained the pool for a week.

Drained the pool, sterilized it, filled it back up. Shut the pool down for a week.

Why? Because a kid pooped in the pool.

Excuse me, you're going to shut down the pool for a week?

When I was growing up, we wouldn't have even have gotten out of the pool!

My dad's just like fishing it out with some newspaper.

Go play on the other side kids, we're going to get it!

Mom's got a pool noodle trying to get it into the drain.

[laughter]

"Don't come on to this side!" I'm like, "I'm good, I've got a snorkel, Mom!"

She's like, "Okay you're fine! You're fine."

We're all playing pranks with kids that hadn't showed up yet.

It's like, "You think you can touch that drain over there?"

He's like "Pfft, yeah whatever." He comes up, we're like, "Ha ha, Jimmy's in the poop corner!"

Remember the pool? That's all we would do. Just hang out at the pool.

All day.

Of course a couple years ago, they took away the diving board. Why?

Because, one kid tried to go off the diving board with another kid on his shoulders...

and like, okay -- pfft!

One of the kids made it, and the other kid...

the other kid landed on the concrete...

Okay, that's not the time to laugh but okay, sure.

"Ha ha! Kids getting hurt. Yeah!" Hold on.

So what do they do? Shut down the diving board. Took it away.

"Diving board's not safe for children.

"This diving board is not safe for children."

America: that's not the solution. Okay?

If kids want to be idiots...

we gotta start weeding some of these klds out!

Yeah.

I'm just saying if I was in charge,

I'd put a second diving board in the shallow end. Just...

"There's no lifeguard, I'm going to go head first!" I'm like, "You go for it Tommy!"

Idiots man.

You see idiots... everywhere you go.

People are idiots. Okay, remember like, uh...

Like, have you seen a new trampoline these days?

Like a new one?

Like this thing, 360 degree net around the whole thing.

There's like padding on everything metal.

There's like an escalator to get up onto that thing.

"You don't understand John. We don't want kids being hurt on the trampoline.

"We can't have anykids, being hurt, on the trampoline."

I'm pretty sure when we were growing up, you would get tetanus... just climbing on to the trampoline!

Remember a trampoline? Springs would be popping off, hitting kids in the face.

A kid would be playing in the sandbox, being nailed by a spring.

Concussions didn't even exist back then.

It's like, "Go lay down for a couple days. Put some ice on it. You'll be fine."

And I'm a skinny kid. Like we would get all of the kids in the neighborhood on that thing at once.

All the kids. Every kid in the neighborhood on that thing at once.

Somehow like two of the bigger kids, like jumped at the same time,

and then I...

came down, and then that, the result of that...

put me like twenty feet...

up in the air.

And I landed, listen, I landed not...

I didn't land... on the trampoline.

And I didn't... land on the ground.

Like, I landed with a spring. Like right...

I landed on a spring. Like, I landed... Ten feet in the air, came down on a spring.

Worst part, none of the kids even stopped jumping!

The spring was still going like this.

[clapping]

[laughing]

My dad saw the whole thing. He's like, "Ah, walk it off!"

Not anymore you guys. That would never happen in 2015.

Those memories... just leave them in the past. They would never happen.

I was driving out of my neighborhood the other day, I saw two kids with my own eyes,

I witnessed two kids, jumping on a trampoline with helmets on.

Are you kidding me?! We used to pull the trampoline up to the house,

get the neighborhood fat kid on the roof;

he'd try to bounce us over the fence into the neighbor's pool!

[clapping]

Crazy man. These people. They're just nuts.

Everybody's just being an idiot. Everywhere you go.

You just gotta take responsibility for your own lives, Ogden, Utah.

That's my message.

Anybody have that one idiot friend?

If you don't have that friend...

"All my friends are smart!" You're the guy. You're the guy.

Okay? You're the guy.

People... ha!

People just being dumb all of the time. And I've got a bunch of friends

that like... I say like, liberal or conservative, be whatever you want...

but I've got a bunch of friends that no matter what happens, they just blame Obama for it.

"What is this a parking ticket? Thanks, Obama!"

I'm like, "Dad, you're parked backwards in a fire lane right now."

My buddy got a parking ticket and he comes in and he goes,

"Hey man I got a parking ticket. You know what this is?"

And I was like, "What?"

He goes, "This right here is Barack...

"this right here is Barack Obama, trying to tax the middle class."

I'm like, "First of all, what do you know about the middle class, dude?

"You work at Jimmy Johns. Okay?"

Slow down.

We were driving the other day and my buddy dropped a phone call.

He goes, "Hey man, there's no cell phone service out here. You know what this is?"

I was like, "What?"

He goes, "This is... this is Barack Obama, trying to take away our freedom of speech!"

I was like, "Uh-uh dude, you got a Cricket phone."

[laughing]

That's a whole different thing.

I got friends that blame Obama for their problems. And I got...

Ah, the worst--worse than that, is the friends that blame God for their problems. Anybody?

"Oh John, you don't understand. God is just really testing me this week."

I'm like...

"You tripped on a curb, gravity is testing you, okay?

"You're an idiot!"

My friend... ha!

My friend the other day, she goes, "John can you pray for me?"

I was like, "What?"

She goes, "Well I'm really sick right now...

"but a...

"I... okay, what happened was last night I ate three pieces of cheese cake for dinner. And then a...

"wait no, then I ate... I ate a fourth piece of cheesecake, and my stomach just started hurting.

"I just feel like... it was God telling me, to stop eating cheesecake."

I was like, "I think that might of been diabetes telling you that."

You just watch people. Just keep your eyes open.

Just keep your eyes open. You see people doing stupid stuff.

Everywhere you go.

It's like, "Hey, is it tough to be a comedian?"

I'm like, "Nah, ha!

"Not really!

"It's easy. You've just gotta watch people be idiots."

I visited Rocky Mountain National Park in Colorado.

And this is true. When you enter the park, in 2015, there is a sign that says,

"Attention Visitors: DO NOT take selfies with the bears."

[laughing]

Who is this sign for?

Take the signs down. I'll watch that all day.

All day.

"You think I can get a selfie with this grizzly bear?" "Yeah!"

"Go try it. You better get closer. Get closer!"

Imagine going to that guys funeral. Are you kidding me?

"Jerry was a good guy. He loved his wife, and uh, he served his church.

"But in the end...

"he just tried to get one more hashtag in there and that was it. That was it!"

People being idiots.

There's a sign. Everywhere you go, there's a sign.

"No running." "No walking." "Here's a curb." "Step up." "Okay..." like?

Take the signs down. That's just entertainment for the rest of us intelligent people.

We'll just watch.

I don't care who you are, if you're flipping channels, and you come across

America's Funniest Videos and there is a fat guy walking onto a frozen pond...

You are not changing that channel. Okay?

"I'm gonna see how this one plays out."

[laughing]

People just being idiots. Everywhere you go.

Everywhere you go you just see people doing stupid stuff.

You heard about this guy that tried to go over Niagra Falls in a barrel?

Guy tried to go over Niagra Falls in a barrell and he died,

and now, there is a sign at Niagra Falls that says, "Attention...

"Attention Visitors: Do not attempt to...

"Do not attempt to go over Niagra Falls in a barrel."

That sign exists.

If I were in charge, and you were thinking about going over Niagra Falls in a barrel?

My sign would say, "Free Barrels!

[laughter]

"Bring your friends!"

I mean, I'm a Christian you guys, but I look at some people sometimes

and I'm like... mmm...

"Even Jesus aint taking that wheel!"

You guys, my name is John Crist.

You guys have been so fantastic!

Thank you so much!

[applause]

♪♪