Original subtitles

♪♪

♪♪

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[Flies buzzing]

♪♪

[Bottle opens]

♪♪

[Dog barking]

♪♪

-They have this little area

where you can sit and watch the U.S. Congress deliberate,

and they deliberate by sending out just one guy at a time.

And some of them are okay.

They're just one bubble off plumb.

And then some of them have a big hole in their screen door.

But then two or three of them

have lost their vertical hold entirely.

♪♪

♪♪

-♪ Hey, everybody, have you heard the news? ♪

♪ Joe Bob is back in town ♪

♪ He's over at the drive-in, hanging around ♪

♪ Watching crazy movies, so come on down ♪

♪ To Joe Bob's "Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ Blood, beasties, boobies, and more ♪

♪ Joe Bob's "Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ It's a spooky good time with monsters and ghosts ♪

♪ Crazy, kooky fun with the world's greatest host ♪

♪ Joe Bob's "Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ It's gonna be legendary ♪

♪ Joe Bob's "Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ It's gonna be very scary ♪

♪ Joe Bob's "Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ Let's go ♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Static hisses]

-The last harvest is in.

Cattle are being driven from the summer pastures.

A cold mist hangs low over the Boyne Valley.

The days are short, so sunset comes quickly.

You and I, Darcy, stand on a long,

low limestone ridge rising gently

above the surrounding farmland.

-We do?

-Yes. -Okay.

-We take in the frosty beauty of County Meath.

-Where's that?

-We're 25 miles northwest of Dublin,

on the hill of Tara in the year 508 B.C.

-Oh, B.C.E. actually.

-What?

-You're not supposed to say B.C. anymore.

-We're on the hill of Tara. Can you bring in my map?

We're on the Hill of Tara in the year 508 B.C.E.

What does the E stand for? -Era.

-Era? -E-R-A. Era.

-We're on the Hill of Tara in the year 508 Before Christ Era

because Samhain is nigh.

-I feel like you've been reading again.

-Yes, I have.

It's our last Halloween special, Darcy.

And I wanted to connect us to the oldest Halloween.

And as you can see on this map...

This is a map of the birthplace of Halloween.

And it's all in the word...

Samhain.

Let's sound it out.

-Samhain. -Samhain.

-Yeah. "S," the "A" is silent, the "M" is silent.

Actually, the "H" is silent.

The "A" is pronounced "A-O."

"Ow." -Okay.

-There's an invisible "W." -Ah-whoo!

-Then there's a "W." -Okay.

-The "W" is invisible, and then "I-N."

And so it's "Sau-in."

If you sound it out.

You know, look at it. Sound it out.

You'll always pronounce it correctly when visiting Tara,

which is here,

or Tlachtga, which is here.

Um, and at Tara we extend the Celtic kingship for the year

and we ensure it with cattle.

In Tlachtga, we ignite the sacred fire of Samhain

and make sacrifices for the wandering spirits

that enter from the underworld.

-Does John Carpenter know

that you're introducing "Body Bags" this way?

-You know, John Carpenter and I are buddies

ever since we gave him the Lifetime Achievement Award

in the 2004 Jamboree in Las Vegas. -Besties!

-And I'm sure he will appreciate that

for our final Halloween special,

we are connecting his work to the most ancient traditions

of Halloween

to the original Celtic calendar feast called Samhain

in the year when High King Fiacha Finnfolaidh,

on the eve of his victory over the deceased King Tigernmas --

said king having been pierced through the scrotum

with the thrust of a leaf-shaped iron spearhead

and chopped thereafter with a bronze dagger --

proclaimed the Old Year dead and the New Year beginning

as fires flickered in the dark

and the wind moved across the hill,

and dogs barked at unseen things.

And stories began to circulate

of the spirits that were walking.

-Should I be taking notes on this?

-Yes, Darcy, you should, because I've decided

that this year we're going to go back to the original Halloween,

the pagan festival of Samhain,

in order to illuminate all the religious traditions

that have resulted 2,500 years later,

in the greatest Halloween parade in the world,

of course, as 2.5 million people last year.

Of course I speak of the Greenwich Village Halloween parade.

With the giant puppets and the live bands,

and it's the most open parade policy in the world.

Anyone in costume is allowed to march in that parade.

The only major nighttime parade in the United States,

and including entire marching bands

wearing nothing but body paint.

-I love the puppets. -Everyone loves the puppets.

The giant puppets

that comes directly from these Druid rituals

at Tlachtga, the Iron Age Sacred Flame site

near the town of -- near the town of Athboy today.

The soul of Halloween.

So at each break tonight I will be re-enacting in modern terms

in the manner of the Greenwich Village Halloween parade,

each exact ritual that was carried out in the year 508 B.C.

at the Hill of Tara, the Mound of the Hostages,

the Stone of Destiny, all of that stuff up there.

The Fort of the Kings, the Hill of Ward.

-Okay. -That's all you have to say?

"Okay"? Darcy, this has never been done before.

-True. -And you know why?

-Because you're the only person

who would ever think of doing this.

-No, because in the year 508 B.C.,

the entire community young, old, male, female, soldier,

farmer, cook, blacksmith, fashion designers...

-Really?

-Look -- Look at the stuff they wore.

-Okay. Good point. -They had fashion.

Anyway, 508 B.C. was the last time that the whole world,

the world as they knew it,

the entire world came together to celebrate life.

And today,

the only place the whole world comes together

to celebrate life

is the Greenwich Village Halloween parade.

-But there are so many other Halloween parades.

-Well, I know, but they all start with Greenwich Village.

I mean, they started the whole thing.

And I hope that you'll be joining me next week

at Canal Street and Sixth Avenue.

I'll meet you at Canal Street and Sixth.

We're going to make that walk to 14th Street

because what does Halloween represent for us

here at the "Last Drive-In"?

What does it really represent? -Um, cosplay, candy, and fun.

Yay! -Okay, cosplay, candy, fun,

and be your full mutant self.

No judgment. Right? -Right.

Are you going to dress like that?

-Yes, I am. -Alright.

I mean, this is my -- Well, either this

or my pink Nosferatu suit.

-I don't think you could do that whole distance

in those pimp shoes.

-Look, they're not pimp shoes, but yes, I can.

But right now it's time for some serious John Carpenter.

-Some very serious John Carpenter.

-"Body Bags" is one of the best anthology films ever made.

Don't say anything. -I'm drinking my beer.

-It's also one of the biggest mistakes

that Showtime ever made,

because it was going to be a monthly series

to compete with "Tales from the Crypt,"

but Showtime screwed up negotiations with Sandy King,

John Carpenter's brilliant producer wife,

and so it never happened.

I feel partly responsible because I was working

at Showtime Networks at the time,

and I should have gotten involved with that.

I mean, no one would have listened to me,

but I would be able to say today,

you know, I defended "Body Bags" at the meeting.

Not that they would have let me go to the meeting,

but I can say I marched past that security guard

at the Paramount Tower on Broadway,

and I stopped by the desk of the assistant

to the vice president of marketing,

and I told him how much I liked "Body Bags,"

and he offered me a peppermint out of the bowl on his desk

or something like that.

At any rate, Showtime liked the three episodes in "Body Bags,"

but they wanted to shoot the planned show in Canada

and reduce the budget.

And John Carpenter just said, "I got better things to do."

-Fine.

-I mean, one reason it would have been tough

to shoot a John Carpenter horror series in Canada

is that you wouldn't be able to get the amazing number

of actors and celebrities

that they got for these three episodes,

and they got them just by calling up friends

and people they'd worked with in the past.

I mean, you know, the late Robert Carradine is in this,

you know, who died earlier this year.

Uh, Wes Craven, uh, Sam Raimi is in the movie.

David Naughton, Stacy Keach, David Warner,

Sheena Easton, Greg Nicotero, Debbie Harry, Mark Hamill,

Twiggy -- Twiggy is in this movie.

-What? -John Agar,

Roger Corman is in this movie.

Charles Napier, Tobe Hooper, Tom Arnold,

all these people are in the movie.

Some of them are in just walk-through cameos,

which is the same thing

they would often do on "Tales from the Crypt,"

But you cannot do that in Saskatchewan,

so Showtime should have known that, anyway.

One of the best actors in the movie is John Carpenter himself.

They uglied him up under three daily hours

of Rick Baker makeup.

But he plays the goofball, undead coroner

who frames the episodes by running around through a morgue

and picking out grisly dead people to talk about

as he tosses off morbid one-liners.

-He's so good in this. -I know, but let's look at --

Let's take a look at those "Drive-In" totals and get started.

We have...

"Drive-In" Academy Award nominations for John Carpenter,

the director of two out of the three episodes

who also plays the coroner who says "Natural causes?

Natural causes? I hate natural causes."

Alex Datcher as the late night gas station attendant

for telling the lie, "I can take care of myself."

Robert Carradine as the other nervous gas station attendant

who says, "I feel a little bit guilty leaving you

out here all by yourself."

Stacy Keach as the obsessed, balding Playboy who says,

"I need quantity, I need volume, I need more hair."

Sheena Easton as the unhelpful girlfriend who says,

"You're not a bald guy, you're a thinning hair guy."

David Warner as the hair replacement doctor who says,

"We call this our stallion look."

Debbie Harry as the doctor's horny nurse who says, "Giddy up."

Mark Hamill as the Bible-thumping baseball player

who says, "It's the eye I use to see the goddamn ball."

Roger Corman as the second opinion eye transplant doctor

who says, "Let's say I'm skeptical."

Twiggy, as the wife of Mark Hamill, who says,

"Is this God's will?"

Tobe Hooper as a morgue attendant and director

of the most powerful story in the anthology.

And Sandy King,

the producer who put this entire masterpiece together.

Four stars. Joe Bob says, "Check it out."

And at the first break, Darcy... -Yes.

-...I will be reenacting the liminal moment

at the beginning of Samhain

in which I ignite the ceremonial fire

through pure friction and incantation.

-We haven't had good luck with fire.

-Well, that's because before now,

we didn't understand the true Druidic rite

as performed at Tlachtga.

-Ah, and you understand it now?

-I got it aced. Don't worry. I know how to do this.

-I feel like I'm gonna worry.

-Shane, hose down the set furniture.

And, uh...

We're fine. -Huh.

[Static hisses]

[Chainsaw sputters]

♪♪

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♪♪

[Machine whirring]

♪♪

-Ah, good evening.

I was just taking a little break.

It's been a busy night. Lots of new arrivals.

I call them the arriving departed.

Well, back to work.

Ah! What the hell?

One more for the road. Just a dash.

Adds a little spine.

On life.

Oh, better.

Ah! The doctor will see you now.

Oh! Mmm.

Ah, ugly.

Man, are you ugly.

Well, we all know it isn't what a person looks like.

It's what's inside that counts.

Mm.

Ah! Death by natural causes.

Natural causes. Natural causes.

More natural causes.

I hate natural causes.

Give me a big old stab wound to poke around in, then I'm happy.

Ah, here we are. Body bags.

See if it's murder or suicide or a nasty accident,

they put them in these bags.

This one was found in a stretch of lonely highway,

miles from the nearest town on a pitch black night.

♪♪

- Also in the news, another gruesome murder in Haddonfield.

Today, the body of a young woman

was discovered buried in the bottom of a trash bin

behind a shopping mall.

Police Chief Ardith Robinson of the Haddonfield PD

gave a statement to reporters this afternoon

after the discovery of the...

- Police believe the woman to be another victim

of a serial killer responsible for a series

of ritualized slayings in the Southland.

The body of the woman was found by a hiker--

-I'd be scared shitless working all alone

in a place like this.

-I can take care of myself.

Besides, you're the one who has to drive back

to an empty apartment.

-Thanks a lot. -[Laughs]

You don't mind picking me up in the morning?

-What time? -Seven.

-Ooh! -This will be the last time

I ask you for a ride, I promise.

They said my car will be out of the shop by tomorrow.

I'll buy breakfast.

Deal.

-See ya.

[Car door closes]

-Can I help you?

-I'm Anne.

-Okay.

-The new girl.

-Oh, yeah. Right. Come on in.

-[Car horn honks] -Hi.

-Hey. Sorry I'm late.

-No biggie. -Oh, wow.

This is almost identical to the gas station I worked last month.

Except that was a little bit smaller.

-Well, why don't I give you the grand tour?

Uh, that's the cash register.

-You just punched in the pump number and I'm out, right?

-Yeah. You got it. That's the credit card machine.

-No sweat. -And listen,

when you get their signatures,

make sure you get the license plate number, alright?

-Right. -It's important.

Um, the TV gets maybe three channels.

-Actually, I'll probably just do some studying.

-Um, the cigarette prices are posted outside.

-Saw it. -Okay, good.

-Is that the bathroom? -Well, actually, we, uh,

prefer to call that the employees lounge.

-[Laughs] Yeah. Great. Let's see.

Oh, do I bring out the register when the morning shift comes in?

-Nah, just, you know, he'll take care of that.

Why don't you just collect the cash and make change?

-Okay. -Yeah. Oh, you know what?

This door locks automatically if you leave the booth.

So, uh...

-Keys? -Right. Keys. Yeah.

Um, I don't know where the hell I left them.

Yeah, here they are.

The round one, um, that's for the booth.

And the square one works everything else, okay?

-Got it.

Public restrooms. -Yeah.

Um...

I guess that's about it.

You know, I feel a little bit guilty

leaving you out here all by yourself.

-Yeah, I'll be okay. -Did you hear the news tonight?

-Yeah. It's horrible. Mm. -Yeah.

Hey, you know what? If you got a problem,

why don't you, um, just give me a call, okay?

-Hey. Thank you. -Sure. No problem.

-Will do. -Okay.

-Uh, that's it then. I'm out of here.

Have a good night.

-See you later. -You got it.

♪♪

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♪♪

[Pen scribbling]

-Right.

[Muttering]

[Bang on window]

-Pack of Coronados.

-2.75.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Is there anything else?

-What are you reading?

-It's for school.

-College girl. Huh?

Yeah, well, I never got to go to college myself, you know.

Yeah, I got some bourbon out in the car.

Think I can get you to come out of that booth?

♪♪

Maybe I'll see you around, huh?

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Okay.

Okay.

[Water rushes]

[Bell dings]

-Hi. I need to fill her up. Super unleaded.

-Number 12? -Uh, yeah.

I haven't seen you around here before.

-It's my first night.

Uh, signature and license, please.

Are you from Haddonfield?

-Born and raised.

-Thanks. -What are you studying?

-Um, psychology. Final exams next week.

Got to pull my average up.

-You go to the university? -Uh-huh.

-Do you ever feel like, uh, kicking back?

You know, just hanging out someplace after class?

-Sometimes. -You got to try the Oak Lounge.

It's down Seventh Street by the freeway.

They got a really good band there on weekends.

And maybe if I run into you sometime,

uh, play a game of pool.

-I'm no good at pool.

-All the better.

Well. See ya.

-Bye.

[Car door closes]

Ooh!

Hey, you forgot your card!

Hey!

♪♪

Shit!

[Clang]

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♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Ugh! Right!

♪♪

♪♪

-Hey. I need the key to the restroom.

I really have to go to the restroom.

-Oh. -Uh, the key's in the booth.

I have to get the other set. Uh, be right back.

♪♪

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♪♪

[Laughter, bell dings]

[Laughter]

-You pop, I gotta go to the John.

I'm gonna take care of this.

Woo hoo! Honey! Hiya, sweetheart. Listen.

Give me, uh, oh, $20 of that super duper irregular on, uh,

pump number niner there, okay?

You little glum tonight, huh?

What's wrong? You ought to be out partying.

Pretty little thing like you, huh?

Say, uh, I need a key to get in that little boy's room there?

-Uh, you do. Listen, could you do me a favor?

-Sure. Name it. -There's a man,

he's in the men's restroom, he's a little weird.

-Weirdo, huh? -Yeah. I don't know.

I was wondering, could you take a look and see what he's doing?

-You got that?

-Yoo-hoo!

There's nothing coming out.

-What's the problem?

-Oh. Oh. There's nothing coming out.

-You have to lift the lever. -Oh.

-No. The lever. The lever on the pump.

Never mind. I'll do it.

-So sorry to bother you.

I just usually go to the full serve.

Oh. Oh, thanks.

-Guys sleeping in there.

He's all curled up around the toilet.

I had to stand back and aim over his head.

-Shame on you.

-When you gotta go, you gotta go.

I wouldn't worry about it, hon.

He's fast asleep. Guy's a bum. Let him sleep it off.

-Did you get the restroom key?

-Oh, I left it hanging in the door.

-Come on, baby, let's go. I'm cold.

-See you around, dollface.

Get in, get in.

[Woman laughing]

-I'm coming. I'm coming for you.

-Whoo-hoo! [Laughs]

♪♪

♪♪

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♪♪

-Oh, God.

[Gags]

♪♪

♪♪

[Clang]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-[Busy signal] -Shit!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Door opens]

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[Air hisses]

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[Breathing heavily]

♪♪

♪♪

-Come on, come on. Pick up, pick up.

[Telephone ringing]

[Line ringing]

[Telephone ringing]

-Hi.

This is Bill.

I can't come to the phone right now,

so maybe you could just leave a message.

See, I got a sore throat.

Be better if you could call back.

If you want to leave a message, just wait for the beep.

Beep.

♪♪

-[Gasps]

♪♪

♪♪

[Line ringing]

♪♪

Come on!

-[Laughs]

Answer the phone!

- 911... -There's a man! He's after me!

He's after me! Oh, God!

[Gasps]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Screams]

♪♪

[Screaming]

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[Screams]

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♪♪

-Bitch.

-[Crying]

[Breathing heavily]

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Die, son of a bitch.

-[Screams]

♪♪

♪♪

-Forgot my credit card.

♪♪

♪♪

[Static hisses]

-I love that episode,

and I'm not even a fan of anthology films.

That was shot entirely in the isolated community

of Pearblossom, California, which is,

as you can probably tell,

out in the middle of nowhere in the Antelope Valley,

part of the Mojave Desert,

but close enough to LA to get Wes Craven to drive out there

and buy a pack of Coronados

and give a creepy grin to the booth girl.

And of course, that's David Naughton

of "American Werewolf in London" fame,

flirting with Anne,

played by the very believable Alex Datcher.

And then coming back to retrieve his credit card

in the final scene.

But the most experienced actor in the whole movie

is also in this episode,

Buck Flower, the homeless guy who wants the restroom key.

We've talked about him several times in the past.

He was in almost all of John Carpenter's films,

but he was also in "Back to the Future,"

um, several Roger Corman films,

he was in the immortal "Drive in Massacre."

Almost always either drunk or homeless or both.

Even though off screen he was a production manager,

casting director, screenwriter,

he was the go-to guy in Hollywood

when you needed either an oddball

or somebody to organize your movie.

So the way "Body Bags" happened is two writers,

Billy Brown and Dan Angel, went to Sandy King,

Carpenter's wife and a respected film producer,

and said, "We wrote these horror short films,

'Creepshow' style, EC comics style,

and we think this would make a great series."

Uh, "Tales of the Crypt" had been a big ratings winner

for HBO since 1989,

so this would have been about three years into that run.

But Sandy King liked the scripts.

She got her husband excited about it,

and the plan was to do one movie with three shorts,

all directed by Carpenter.

As it turned out, Carpenter was in post-production

on "In the Mouth of Madness,"

so he didn't have time to direct all three.

So he asked his friend Tobe Hooper

of "Poltergeist" and "Texas Chainsaw" fame

to come in and do the third one,

which he considered the hardest one to do

since it was psychological horror.

So they got a green light from Showtime,

and in the middle of production,

Showtime started thinking about competing

with "Tales from the Crypt,"

and they encouraged King and Carpenter

to think of it as a pilot, which they did.

And it's a great pilot.

Uh, one slasher, one horror comedy,

and one psychological horror

all tied together by Carpenter himself as the goofball coroner.

Um, Carpenter was hesitant to do the acting role

because he had done some cameos in his earlier films

and decided that he hated acting,

and he wasn't very good at it.

But he said something about that Rick Baker makeup

freed him up to relax into the character and go wild with it,

and he's actually great as the ghoulish framing host.

Anyway, I'll talk more about the fate of "Body Bags"

at the next break,

but right now it's time to ignite the fires of Samhain.

All fires within the kingdom must be extinguished

before you do this.

So, Shane, extinguish all fires.

-We don't have any fires.

-Or any kingdom.

-Well, uh -- Well, the point was,

you can't use old fire to start the new fire.

So I'm going to create this fire with flint and steel.

-What -- What is that?

-The sacred fire of Samhain must be ignited by incantation.

-No, I mean, what's the stuff you're taking out of the bag?

-Flint and steel.

-Oh, does that say Boy Scouts of America on it?

The bag?

-Yes.

This bag is official Boy Scouts issue.

It's been used to ignite many a fire in many a campsite.

This is how you do it.

-We need something to burn, though, right?

-Yes. Of course.

That's why we have the same materials

that were burned on the Hill of Ward, oaken logs.

Shane, where are the oaken logs by the way?

-We don't have any oaken logs.

-No oaken logs?

What do we have?

-Barbecue briquettes,

some twigs, newspaper,

some ripped up Lone Star boxes.

-Okay, same thing, 'cause all those things

are made from oaken logs, right?

Okay. Here, Darcy, we should all be very --

I've studied this. -Alright.

-We should all be very still and quiet.

I'm going to ignite the sacred flame.

-Okay. -So just prop that up.

Yeah, bring that a little bit closer so I can make sure

that I say the right words. -Got it.

-And, uh, get ready to set this baby on fire.

-Alright, let's do it.

-"The light fails"...

That's because all the lights in the whole --

all the villages.

"The light fails, the year turns,

the old fire is dead.

We kindle the fire of Samhain."

Um...

"Let it be strong against the dark.

Let it guard cattle and kin.

Uh, let it stand between us and harm."

You had to say this stuff when you...

Um...

"Let it stand between us and harm."

I already said that.

"Behold the flame of the new!"

-Behold!

-Oh, this is so long. -It's been a long time since--

-Okay. -"Life through the winter.

From this flame, la renewed.

From this flame the king's fortune stands.

Let no wandering spirit cross unbidden,

Let no sickness take root.

Let no oath be broken."

Austin, get a shot of the whispering wind

as the fire ignites.

I'm going to do it now. -As the fire ignites?

-Yeah. As the fire ignites. -Are you done with this?

-Just do some of that crazy stuff with the jib.

-Yeah, yeah, sure, we'll do that.

Hey, Chris, zoom in on that.

-Because, um...

We, um -- Okay.

Bring the shot back to the sacred fire.

[Darcy chuckles]

-Whoa!

-"As this fire rises..."

What was that? "So rises the year."

-Did it extinguish all the fire?

-I thought you were --

"Samhain has commenced."

-Wow.

-Were you moved? Were you moved

by the ceremony? -I am so moved, I am moved.

Wow. -Back to the movie.

Roll the -- Roll the movie. -Your poor boots. I'm sorry.

-I was feeling very Celtic.

-You're still Celtic.

-Next break, we're going to sacrifice a cow.

And, you know, but this was the setup for that.

-We are not sacrificing a cow.

-Yeah, yeah. No. Shudder's furious.

You know how much cows cost in Coweta County, Georgia?

$1,200.

It's not even a purebred cow.

-We're not doing that.

-If we were in Texas, I'd get a polled Hereford heifer

for just slightly more than that.

You know, this bovine we got is old and skinny.

I don't think you could even sell it for slaughter.

-Good. I just want to keep him as a pet.

-You know, keep it as a pet? -Yes.

-You're supposed to sacrifice a power cow, not a bone rack.

-Wow. Wow.

-This was not --

-That was great.

♪♪

[Static hisses]

-Tell me, how long have you had these feelings of hostility?

You can't say?

You know, you really shouldn't keep your emotions

all bottled up inside.

-Ah! You're hopeless.

You should have had a lobotomy.

Let's go see what other fun things we can find to do.

Cirrhosis of the liver.

Brain tumor.

Severe head cold. Let's check the drawers.

I call these my necrophile cabinets.

Seems to be stuck.

[Grunts]

Obviously, these drawers were built

before breast implants became so popular.

These ought to be recycled.

That's odd.

Ooh!

Marital spat?

Kiss and make up.

Ah!

Believe it or not, this was a human body.

Poor guy fell off a high rise onto the top of a car

which swerved in front of a train,

and he was dragged 900 yards under the engine.

Fascinating what can happen to the human body

under the right circumstances.

♪♪

♪♪

- The night will be mostly clear,

but some low clouds late tonight

through mid-morning tomorrow.

Light winds. Lows in the upper 50s.

High tomorrow in the mid 70s.

And now this.

- At the Roswell Hair Growth Laboratories,

we have perfected a simple surgical procedure

to restore full hair growth virtually overnight.

After my Roswell hair growth treatment,

I bought the company.

♪♪

♪♪

-Hi. -Hi.

-What's wrong?

-Nothing.

Come on in.

♪♪

More wine?

-Mm. I'll have some.

♪♪

-Richard? -Mm?

-What did you do to your hair?

-Nothing.

Well, I combed a different way.

-Sweetheart, are you worried about your hair thinning?

-No, of course not.

-I think you look very distinguished.

You're very handsome.

-You don't like it, do you?

-I like you.

Pete's.

It smells delicious, you know.

-So you think I'm going bald?

-No, I don't.

So what's the big deal if you are, anyway?

-Oh, so now I am going bald?

-It really doesn't matter to me.

-Are you telling me that you don't like hair?

-Of course I like hair.

-Then how can you stand looking at me?

I mean, look at this. Look at that, huh?

-[Chuckles] Richard, you're behaving like a baby.

-Why not? I got hair like a baby.

-Oh.

♪♪

♪♪

Why don't you let me make an appointment for you

with my hairdresser?

Dennis will give your hair a nice shape.

-I don't need shape.

I need quantity, I need volume, I need more hair.

Now, what about this?

-Hmm? -Forget it.

-Wait, wait, wait, wait. -No way!

-Hey, hey! Come on, just give it a chance.

Take a look at it.

I mean... -That looks ridiculous.

It won't fool anybody.

-Will you be careful with that?

-Oh, for God's sake, Richard.

-Well, you see,

I don't think you'd ever know it's a hairpiece.

If you just take a little-- -No.

No.

-Oh?

Hey, no. Hey, wait a minute.

-It's gotta go.

-Hey, come on, man, I need that. I need that back.

-Richard, you're in denial.

It makes you look like the world's biggest jerk off.

-It makes me look like I've got more hair.

I need that back. -Fine.

Let me just tell you how things are, okay, Richard?

You headed for egg city

located in the chrome dome county

in the state of the cue ball.

Do you understand what I'm talking about?

In a year,

your head will look like a Christmas tree lot in January.

-I understand that. That's why I need your help.

Have you got some kind of a thickening agent?

Something I can put in there

to give it a little bit more volume?

Huh? -Look, I can help you, Richard.

-Yeah?

-If you let me. -Of course.

-Okay, now what I can do...

I can cut your hair. I can give it shape.

I can give it style, Richard.

-Come on. -Now I can empower you, Richard.

Give you back your manhood.

-I can't let you cut my hair. -It's your birthright.

-What are you going to cut? -Okay, please. Please.

Let me just style it a little bit.

What I do is, see, I start from --

We start from here. No cutting, no cutting.

-Fine. It's styling.

♪♪

-♪ Almost cut my hair ♪

♪ It happened just the other day ♪

♪ It's getting kind of long ♪

♪ I coulda said it was in my way, but I didn't ♪

♪ And I wonder why ♪

♪ I feel like letting my freak flag fly ♪

♪ Yes, I feel like I owe it to someone ♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

- Just as plants respond to soothing music,

your follicles will love Harmonies for Hair.

[Buzzing]

♪♪

-Grow, baby grow.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Hi.

-I really like your hair like that.

It looks nice.

How about a drink?

-Did Dennis do that?

-Do what?

-Paint your head.

Who painted your head?

-It doesn't work?

-Dennis didn't do that, did he?

Tell me he didn't do that?

-No, I did it.

You don't like it, do you?

-Poor baby.

Oh, this is really getting to you, isn't it?

-Oh, it's driving me crazy.

Megan, I can't eat, I can't sleep.

The only thing I can think about is my hair.

I'm losing my hair.

-Oh, darling.

-It wouldn't be so bad-- [Laughing]

-What?

-You've got stuff all over your face.

-Oh!

Look at all this crap.

-I disgust you, don't I? -What disgust me, Richard,

is your inability to accept yourself as you are.

-I just don't want to be a bald guy.

-You're not a bald guy.

You're just --

You're just a thinning hair guy.

-It means the same thing.

-It doesn't mean the same thing, okay?

What --

I just can't deal with you when you're like this, okay?

-Megan. -No.

-Megan.

Megan, please.

-I think we need to spend some time away from each other.

-Oh, sure. Just walk out on the bald guy.

-Do yourself a favor, Richard.

Wash your head.

-Miracle Shine, the miracle shampoo.

Miracle Shine will add new fullness of life to your hair.

That youthful luster is what all other shampoo products

have claimed to achieve, but never really delivered.

Miracle Shine, the miracle shampoo.

Add new -- -With Colossal Grow,

your lawn will never be thicker.

Professional gardeners

are buying Colossal Grow and doubling --

-The Roswell Hair Growth Laboratories'

patented technique is guaranteed.

No painful and iffy transplants.

No silly toupees or weaves.

Just a full head of beautiful, living hair.

Call now for an immediate appointment.

Operators are standing by 24 hours a day.

Remember, after my Roswell hair growth procedure,

I bought the company.

-555-9911.

[Static hisses]

-Stacy Keach is hilarious in this second episode.

He is obviously having a good time.

But before we get to that... -[Giggles]

-...Darcy... -Yes?

-...what did you do? -What do you mean?

-Where's all the Celtic gloom?

I worked hard. Where's the altar of sacrifice?

-Oh, we still have plenty of Celtic gloom.

I just thought we should

have some old-school Halloween vibes, too.

We can make it a festive Celtic dance party.

-Yeah! -Celtic people don't dance.

-I am sure that they do.

-We ain't even gotten to Tara yet.

-The Scarlett O'Hara house?

-No, it's the center of all the Samhain celebrations.

It's the capital. -The capital of what?

-You know, the capital of... Druid stuff.

-Ahh. Happy, fun Druid stuff.

For the rest of the night, we are having Halloween fun.

-Oh, okay. -Yay!

-Anyway...

But the second episode of "Body Bags"

is definitely fun. -Yay!

-Right? -Yes.

-Stacy Keach really was concerned

about his thinning hair in real life,

and I think that's why he can deliver

such an amazing performance.

I love Stacy Keach,

especially the way he narrates "American Greed" on CNBC.

-Oh, no. -But the most amazing thing

I ever saw him do -- he starred in this Broadway play

called "Solitary Confinement."

And I went in cold on it. I didn't know anything about it.

And there's a guy in prison -- Stacy Keach --

and he's remembering all the events in his life

that led him there.

And there are all these scenes with all the people

that he's known.

And then at the end of the play,

Stacy Keach reveals he was actually seven different people

in the play through disguises and quick changes and things.

And you don't know that.

It was essentially a solo performance.

I mean, there were some bit supporting players

'cause there had to be more than one body on the stage

to create the various illusions, but --

And one of the seven characters he played was female.

And you didn't notice that, either.

And you don't realize anything until the final curtain.

So, good actor.

I'm also very impressed by Sheena Easton as his wife.

But of course, Sheena Easton

has also done a lot of Broadway work.

She played Dulcinea in "Man of La Mancha" --

very demanding singing and acting role.

And she also has a recurring role on "Miami Vice" --

or she had a recurring role -- as Don Johnson's girlfriend.

Anyway, this episode, which is called "Hair,"

was the one that Tobe Hooper wanted to direct.

He begged to direct this one,

but, no, Carpenter told him he needed Tobe to direct

the more hardcore third episode, which is called "Eye."

And we'll get to that in a minute.

But right now, let's get back to "Hair,"

written by the brilliant team of Billy Brown and Dan Angel.

Billy Brown was one of the key writers

on "Saturday Night Live" back in the late '70s, early '80s.

He was the he was the story editor on "The X-Files,"

which he created with Dan Angel.

But this movie was before the two of them

had their great successes.

But they're sort of writer-producer types.

They did "Goosebumps" together. -Amaze.

-They did the "Night Visions" series together.

They did "Spooksville" together.

They did "The Haunting Hour."

Dan Angel has written and produced so many movies,

he has 7 Emmys and 28 nominations.

But once again, this is Sandy King

discovering these guys before they became a hot team.

So, okay, roll the film!

Oh. -What?

-So, I guess we're not doing the animal sacrifice?

-Pbht! Do you know me?

We're not doing that. No.

-When did you take over, Darcy?

-When you went insane, man. [Laughter]

-Some people love gloom.

They love the goth part of Halloween.

-True, but didn't you say you wanted the spirit

of the Village Halloween parade?

-Of course. -Well, there's no gloom there.

-I think maybe there's a little gloom.

-Zero gloom. No gloom.

It's an all-night "happy Halloween" party.

-Okay, well, can we still do the bonfire stuff?

-Yes, you can have your bonfire

if it ever comes back to life. [Laughter]

-Thank you. -You're welcome.

-You know...

I used to be able to do this.

[Light laughter]

-Give it up. -Gotta get a long line.

-I believe in you.

Yay! -You saw a spark, right?

-I did. It's sparking.

[Laughter]

-Yeah, okay, well... -You'll get it.

-I'll take care of the bonfire.

[Laughter]

[Evil laughter]

[Static hisses]

[Intercom beeps] -Yes?

-Mr. Richard Coberts is here for his appointment.

-Show him in, please.

[Door opens]

Nice to meet you, Richard. -Doctor.

-Mr. Coberts' "before" picture.

-Have a seat, please.

I take it my nurses fully explained our procedure?

-Uh, yes, I saw your commercial on television.

How does it work?

-We revive dead hair follicles

by applying a protein-based solution

to the hair roots beneath the scalp.

-What's in the protein solution?

-That's patented.

-[Gasps] I love it when he talks that way.

Don't you think he'll look just too sexy

with a full head of hair?

-Let's not get ahead of ourselves.

Richard might not be right for our treatment.

Tell me -- why do you want hair?

-[Exhaling sharply]

Uh, I think I'll feel better about myself.

-There are certain advantages to being bald, Richard.

For instance,

bald men are often considered to be more trustworthy,

less threatening.

The primal power that a full head of hair bestows on a man

brings a certain pressure to perform.

Some men realize that they prefer

to remain out of the limelight.

-Well, that may be so, Doctor, but I want hair.

I want lots of hair.

You don't think I'm up to it, do you?

-Are you?

-I think so.

-I think so, too.

-It'll change your life, Richard.

-I want it to change.

-You sure? -I'm positive.

-I love a positive man.

-Very well.

Nurse, activate the compuscan.

I'll, uh, just insert your picture

into the graphic scanner.

And...

voilà.

Now, we, uh, have quite a few hair personalities

for you to choose from,

uh, depending on which trait you wish to emphasize.

[Computer whirs, beeps]

This is your basic conservative look.

We call it Traditional Republican.

-I don't know, um... -I agree.

-No?

Well, uh, go a little bit more daring.

The Military Style,

favored by police, soldiers, athletes.

-Mnh, I don't know. It's almost too, uh --

It's too -- -Drab.

-Exactly.

You see, I want something that is very, um, exciting.

-Yes. -Bold.

-Yes. -Sexy.

-Yes, yes!

-Let's try this.

[Keys clacking] [Computer beeping]

We call this our Stallion Look.

-[Gasps] Giddyup.

-Yes, that's it.

That's the one.

-The Stallion Look it is.

Congratulations, Richard.

-[Chuckles] Uh, no surgery?

-No, no, no, heavens, no, no.

We apply the solution here.

Then when you wake up tomorrow morning in your own bed,

you take off the bandage, and you're a new man.

♪♪

♪♪

[Switch clicks]

♪♪

[Switch clicks]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Oh, Lord.

Oh, Lord, please let me have hair.

If I have hair, I have everything.

I just want to love me again.

I don't love me the way I am now.

I love me the way I used to be.

The way I want to be.

Please, God,

just let me have...

♪♪

Hair.

Oh, my --

Oh, my God.

[Breathing heavily, gasping]

[Stammering]

Ooh.

[Gasps]

[Laughs]

I have -- I -- It's hair.

I have hair!

It worked!

[Laughing] Oh, God, look at th--

Oh, thank you. Thank you.

Thank you, thank you.

[Laughs]

It's the old me.

It's the new me.

It's the me I've always wanted to be.

No, no, no.

I can't let you touch it.

If I let you touch it, I'll have to let everybody else touch it.

[Laughs]

[Clears throat]

Yes, yes, it is the source of all my strength.

But it's not the only source.

[Breathing heavily]

See that my men are well fed.

And bring forth the women.

-It's incredible!

Who is this Dr. Lock?

-He advertises on TV.

-Why doesn't everybody go to him?

-He's new.

-It's amazing.

I can't believe what it's done for you.

Ooh! Mmm!

[Moaning]

[Gasps] You even kiss better.

[Moans]

I know I said it didn't matter,

but you look so fantastic.

With this new hair, you're just so --

you're so --

you're so animal.

[Both moaning]

Tell me you love me, Richard.

Just me.

-[Growls]

-[Moaning]

♪♪

♪♪

-[Groans lightly] -Morning, lover.

-[Chuckles] Morning.

Oh!

Ohh.

Feel like I'm getting a sore throat.

-Maybe you overdid it last night, huh?

-Oh, I got this tickle in my throat.

-Well, I'd love to stay and scratch it,

but I gotta go.

-[Coughs]

-See you later, sexy?

Take care of that sore throat, you hear?

-Mm.

-You gotta save all your strength for me.

[Both moan lightly]

♪♪

♪♪

[Gargles]

♪♪

♪♪

-[Whispering] I don't believe it.

-[Whispering] I don't, either.

-You know, this is --

[Chuckling] It's amazing.

-I know.

-And it's not a weave.

-No, no, it's all mine, baby.

-Oh, man, it seems so good and healthy.

You know what I mean?

Oh, man. Alright, okay.

Who is this Dr. Lock, huh?

-He's new. -[Sighs]

You look...

great. -I know.

-You look great. [Smooches]

-[Laughs]

-Now, I'm just going to cut it a little bit, okay?

-[Coughing]

-Just give it a little bit of shape.

You alright there, buddy?

-Not too much, not too much.

-Oh, no, no, no, just styled.

Just style.

[Telephone ringing]

-Hello?

Lousy. [Thermometer clinks]

I don't know. I just don't feel too good.

Huh? Um, gettin' a haircut.

Yeah, well, after you left this morning,

I discovered that my hair's grown nearly six inches.

No, I'm not kidding.

I know. It's weird.

Listen, I'm glad you called.

Um, I'm gonna have to cancel our date tonight.

I really think I'm coming down with something.

No, I am not seeing somebody else.

Come on, Megan. What's the matter with you?

Okay.

Yeah, yeah.

That's alright.

Yep. Thanks.

Bye-bye.

[Phone hangs up]

[Birds chirping]

Ahh, ah.

Ahh, ahhh.

[Exhales sharply]

♪♪

[Groaning]

[Flashlight clatters]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Oh, no. [Groaning]

♪♪

♪♪

[Telephone ringing]

♪♪

Hello?

Not so good.

What time is it?

What?

No, nobody else is here.

Why don't you believe me? I told you I'm sick.

[Coughs]

It's not an act.

What?

Oh, fine, suit yourself. Don't believe me then.

[Receiver clatters]

[Coughs]

[Groans]

[Birds chirping]

♪♪

♪♪

[Groaning lightly]

[Breathing heavily]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Grunts]

[Breathing heavily]

[Squealing]

[Scissors clatter]

♪♪

[Hissing]

Ahh! [Gasping]

[Hissing]

[Water running]

[Water shuts off]

[Breathing heavily]

♪♪

[Groaning]

[Hissing]

[Static hisses]

-So, how did we know

that the miracle hair treatment would go south?

Because it's a horror film, right?

Darcy, next year I want us to go to Londonderry

for Derry Halloween and --

Oh, wait, I forgot. There is no next year.

-Aw. -We don't have to be

doing "The Last Drive-In" to go to Londonderry.

-Well, I mean, you know I'm talking about

Londonderry, Ireland, right? -Yeah.

-I wanted to do a show from there.

They have this four- to five-day Halloween festival.

Massive parades, fire performances.

-And you love fire. -I do.

-You just can't make it happen.

-No. [Laughter]

Anyway, um, I think the one in Londonderry

is the world's largest Halloween event,

although there's one in the actual capital

of Druidism and Samhain stuff --

the Púca Festival in County Meath.

-Let's go to that one.

-It's named after the shapeshifting

Celtic spirit Púca. -Púca!

-Nobody ever dresses up like Púca on Halloween, though.

And you know why? -Why?

-Because it's a shapeshifter.

Púca can be a goat, a dog, a rabbit, a human.

But the most common way people understand Púca is as a horse.

And not just any horse, though.

A black horse with blazing wild eyes and a tangled mane

and it breathes smoke and it appears on lonely roads

to try to get you to ride on it.

But if you climb on, it tears off

through the brambles and the swamps.

-The brambles? -Yeah. Ireland has brambles.

-Obviously. -Like Texas.

You know, cockleburs -- you get them all over your legs.

Anyway, the message of the Púca Festival

in County Meath is, "Let's get wild."

And they do the lighting ceremony.

-Do you think it'll be as amazing

as our lighting ceremony? -Well, how could it be?

But, yes, they know all the real Druidic traditions,

and they use all the actual sites

where the Celts would have observed Samhain

and sacrificed stuff, including cows.

What am I gonna do with the cow now?

[Laughter]

Shudder is gonna want money back.

I mean...

Anyway, if you go to the Púca Festival,

they have circus shows, concerts,

you know, "Riverdance" and stuff.

[Laughter]

Goes on for several days.

They go through a lot of Guinness,

although it'd be more authentic if they just drank mead and ale.

But anyway, they're, like --

they're, like, daring Púca to open up the world of the dead

and bring some dead ancestors to the party.

You could meet your ancestors.

-Alright, let's go. Púca Festival in 2027.

-I think it's like Burning Man,

but without the Silicon Valley billionaires being there.

-Oh, and that's a good thing, right?

-I think so. -Then let's go.

-Alright. But right now, let's go back

and see what happens to Stacy Keach

now that he's totally blown up his relationship

with Sheena Easton.

Um, back to the movie.

Roll it.

What's the best Sheena Easton song?

-Mm... -What's her hit?

-Uh...

♪ My baby takes the morning train ♪

-"Morning Train"? -Right. That's her, right?

-I think it's "For Your Eyes Only,"

the James Bond... -I like that one, yeah.

-...theme song for one of the Roger Moore James Bonds.

-What are some other candidates?

-I think those are the only two

Sheena Easton songs I know. -Me too.

-Wait, didn't she do the theme song

from "An Officer and a Gentleman"?

-No. -Yeah.

"Wind Beneath My Wings," right?

-Ohh, no, I think you're thinking of

"Up Where We Belong," but that also was not her.

-"Up Where We Belong," not "Wind Beneath My Wings"?

-No. -So, what movie was

"Wind Beneath My Wings"?

It sounds just like "Up Where We Belong."

-No, it doesn't at all.

Um, "Wind Beneath My Wings" was from "Beaches."

-"Beaches"? I didn't see that.

-Bette Midler.

-I guess I don't know any other Sheena Easton songs.

Plus, I suck at '80s ballads, so...

-It's okay. [Laughter]

-So, what is "Beaches" about?

-Oh, um, it's heartwarming.

-Like "Beach Party"? -No.

-"Blood Beach"? -No.

-"The Beach Girls"? -No.

-"Bikini Beach Girls"? -No. It's, like, heartwarming.

-Is it a good movie?

-Ohh. [Chuckles]

I don't think you would like it.

-But Bette Midler sings "Up Where We Belong" in it?

-Yes. Yes. [Laughter]

Absolutely. You nailed it.

[Evil laughter]

[Static hisses]

-Happy, darling? -Yes, of course.

[Door opens]

-[Breathing raggedly]

-Ah, Richard, how are you?

-Guess. -You look great.

Another successful operation.

-What are you talking about? Look what's happening to me.

-I know. Isn't it wonderful?

Let me show you something.

-[Gasping]

[Groans]

[Gasps]

[Hissing]

-You earthlings and your vanity.

You're so predictably easy.

[Knife clatters]

You know, at first, it was difficult.

When we arrived on this planet,

we were tiny, starving organisms.

And then we discovered that your brains

are the only food on which we can thrive.

[Hissing]

The question was one of access.

We seem to have found the answer.

[Hissing]

In fact, we're particularly enjoying your brain.

We like fat.

Nurse, transfer Richard into implant containers.

Then call in the next patient.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-[Humming "Bringing in the Sheaves"]

Ooh!

[Humming continues]

[Mid-tempo music plays]

-It seems to me maybe I'm going a little thin on top myself.

Ohh!

I think we have time for one more body.

Does anyone have anything to share?

No volunteers?

What a bunch of stiffs!

I want you guys to think about this while I go have a drink.

Ugh! [Bottle thuds]

Ooh, I forgot about this.

This is weird.

This may make you a little tense.

It made someone a little past tense.

[Laughs evilly]

Here's looking at you, kid.

[Eyeball plops]

♪♪

[Camera shutters clicking] -Bice is hoping Matthews

can get something going here.

Here's the pitch.

-Good hit. Go. -Matthew swings.

A well-hit ball to deep right. -Get over that fence.

Yeah!

-A home -- -What's going on, Matthews?

All of a sudden, you're knockin' the hell outta that ball.

-Yeah, I don't know. I'm seein' it real good.

-I don't want to make you nervous,

but the Giants got their eye on you.

-Yeah, I heard that one before.

-Hey, they could use a good pinch hitter this year.

-Still gonna talk to us peons when you hit the majors?

-[Chuckling] Yeah, right.

Ain't about to start counting my chickens.

I've been too close too many times.

Somethin' always happens.

-I got a feeling this is your year.

Let's say we knock back a few brews and celebrate.

-I don't think so, bud.

I got someone prettier to celebrate with.

-You better watch it.

It ain't natural to love your wife so much.

-[Chuckles]

-[Humming]

[Thunder crashing] [Telephone ringing]

-Hello?

-Hey, darlin'. -How'd you do?

-Three for four and a home run to win it in the 9th.

-Oh, that's great!

I've got some good news, too.

-What? -It's a surprise.

-Tell me. -Unh-unh.

You gotta come home to find out.

-I'll be there in a flash. Love ya.

-I love you, too. Bye.

[Phone hangs up]

[Thunder crashing]

[Thunder continues]

[Tires screech]

-Ahh!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Whimpering]

[Groaning]

-Jesus Christ.

♪♪

-Ahh!

[Groaning]

♪♪

[Monitor beeping] [Indistinct speaking over PA]

-Brent?

You're gonna be okay.

Honey, Dr. Bregman is here,

and he -- he needs to talk to you.

Are you feeling up to it?

-Good morning, Brent.

-Now, let me guess, Doc.

[Chuckles]

I got a concussion and --

and you're putting me on the three-day disabled list.

-Brent, I'm sorry to tell you this,

but it's much worse than that.

I'm afraid you've lost your right eye.

-But I'm a baseball player.

It's the eye I use to --

to see the goddamn ball.

-[Crying] Oh, honey...

-No! [Gasps]

♪♪

-Dr. Watkins, Dr. Watkins...

Cardiology, please call the nurses' station.

Cardiology, please call the nurses' station.

-Brent.

This is Dr. Lang.

He'd like to speak with you.

-What about?

-I think maybe I can help you.

I've spent the last 10 years of my life developing a method

to transplant an entire eye.

Now, it's never been done or even tried,

but I do think it could work.

Unfortunately, I'm pretty much alone in that opinion.

-Let's say I'm...skeptical.

-I could play again?

-Yeah, if it works.

-Well, what if it doesn't?

-Well, if the eye dies, we'll just have to remove it,

and you and I are back to square one.

-When can we do it?

-Well, I'd prefer to do it right away.

I -- I just received a healthy donor eye.

Oh, I -- I know that sounds a bit gruesome,

but, uh, it's an excellent match for your size.

It is a brown eye,

but we can use a contact lens to match your color.

Talk it over with your wife,

and we'll chat tomorrow.

-The eye from a dead person?

[Chuckles nervously]

I guess it would have to be.

-Uh, yeah. -Oh, I'm sorry, darling.

-[Chuckling] I know. It's weird, isn't it?

Oh, boy. You think about God's will.

-Is this God's will? -Well, isn't it?

-I don't know. -[Sighs]

Well, he gave us the ability to think and make discoveries.

You know what I mean, you know, science and everything.

-If it's for the good.

-Well, what's not good about me

being able to have a career and -- and a family?

-Darling? -What?

-Nothing.

Brent, you're right.

Of course we should try it. -Sure.

And if it doesn't work, babe, it just -- it doesn't work.

-"And Saul arose from the Earth,

and when his eyes were opened, he saw no man.

They brought him into Damascus

where there was a certain disciple named Ananias.

And to him said the Lord in a vision,

'Ananias, arise and inquire in the house of Judas

for one cold soul,

for I will show him how many things he must suffer

for my name's sake.'

And Ananias went his way and entered into the house

and, laying his hands on him, said,

'Brother Saul, the Lord Jesus,

who appeared to you on the road as you came,

has sent me that you may receive your sight

and be filled with the Holy Spirit.'

Immediately, there fell from his eyes something like scales,

and he received his sight at once.

And he arose and was baptized."

♪♪

♪♪

-Mrs. Matthews?

Mrs. Matthews?

-Yes?

-The operation went smooth as silk.

Brent's in recovery and should awaken at any moment.

I'm putting a patch over the left eye.

-[Breathing heavily]

-Now, are we ready?

-Ready.

-Well, if everything works out alright,

your vision should only be blurry for a few days.

Alright, now, here we go.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-I like your hair tied back that way.

-[Gasps]

[Laughter]

-Here's the pitch.

Strike one, slider down and inside.

[Ominous music plays] [Camera shutter clicking]

They're hoping that he can provide

some spark off the bench.

-Hi. I made them let me off work an hour early.

-...that bench-clearing brawl...

-What's wrong, sweetie? Another headache?

-Yeah.

[Inhales sharply] -Alright, some activity...

-The doctor said the headaches will go away soon.

And tomorrow you get your blue lens,

and it's home sweet home.

-...21 of third innings this year and has five saves.

Really developed in--

-You don't have to turn it off.

-Yeah, it's just -- I can't watch it.

I -- It should be me up there.

-It will be, baby. It will be.

[Ominous music plays] [Camera shutter clicking]

What is it?

-Uh, nothin'.

-Everything's gonna be okay. I promise.

-The headaches should diminish little by little.

Now, it's important that you do the eye exercises I gave you.

Now, let's, uh -- let's try this to see how this lens fits.

-Honey, it looks great. -Yeah?

-Yeah. -[Chuckles]

-Well, Brent, I'm gonna send you home tomorrow.

Now, remember --

it's gonna take at least six weeks

for this surgery to heal completely.

-Is there anything he shouldn't do?

-Oh, light exercise, fine, but nothing strenuous.

-Okay. -And I want to see you

in a few days, okay? -Thanks, Doc.

[Birds chirping]

[Gearshift clicks] [Engine shuts off]

Aw, man.

It's great to be home.

-Since you're in such a good mood,

I think we should celebrate. -Yeah?

-I'll give you my surprise, hm? -Surprise?

What are you up to? -You'll see.

Ready? -I guess.

-Ta-da!

-Whoa!

What's this?

-It's a present, dummy.

-For me?

"To Dad from Mom"?

You're gonna have a baby?

-We're gonna have a baby.

Aren't you happy?

-Oh, yeah.

-You don't look very happy.

-[Sighs] I am. I am.

Darlin', I think it's fantastic.

[Smooches]

[Exhaling heavily]

-Brent, you're worried about the future, aren't you?

-I don't know.

Maybe a little.

-You know, whatever happens, it'll be okay.

-Sure.

-Aren't you gonna open it?

-What am I doin'?

Okay, let's see.

A crib? -[Chuckles]

-I thought this was a present for me.

-It is. You get to put it together.

[Both laugh] -I get it. I get it.

[Crickets chirping]

♪♪

-Did you put your drops in? -Yeah.

-Is the blur almost gone?

-Oh, it's pretty clear.

-Does your head still hurt?

-Oh, just once in a while.

-I suppose I'm gonna have to get used to this new part of you.

-Hey, I'm not the only one with new parts around here.

[Chuckles]

-Ain't it somethin'? Five weeks old.

[Chuckles]

Just think -- eight months from now, it'll be opening day.

-Wouldn't it be great?

I'd tear up the league in spring training.

The majors pick me up.

The baby's born on opening day.

And I celebrate by comin' off the bench in the 9th

and swattin' one over the fence.

[Laughing] Wouldn't that be great?

-[Laughing] It'd be great.

-You look so pretty.

♪♪

-[Giggles]

-Oh, are we not supposed to have sex?

-Oh, no, we can have sex.

I just...think we should wait a little,

till you heal better.

-The doctor didn't say anything about that.

-Well, maybe tomorrow, sweetie, okay?

It's just, I'm not feeling...

Well, you know.

I love you, Brent, I'm just not in a sexy mood.

-Would it help if I put my lens in?

Is that what's bothering you?

-Maybe that's not a bad idea.

I'm sure I'll get used to you without it,

but at the moment, it's...

I don't know.

It's a little strange.

-No big deal. The kid aims to please.

-[Sighs]

♪♪

-[Breathes deeply]

[Cap clatters]

-I'm sorry. -Oh, no.

[Groans] -You okay?

-Mm-hmm. -I'm really sorry.

-Mmm. -[Smooches] Come on.

Let's go to bed. -Mm-hmm.

♪♪

-Oh, honey, the shutters.

-Oh, geez.

[Wind whipping]

[Ominous music plays]

-[Shrieking] [Camera shutter clicking]

♪♪

♪♪

[Crickets chirping]

[Camera shutter clicking] -[Groans]

-What's wrong?

-[Groaning] -Brent, what is it?

-Headache. -Oh, come on, baby.

-Ohh! -Lie down.

Okay? -Ohh!

-Gently, gently. -[Exhales sharply]

-Easy.

-Ohh. -Is that better?

-Yeah, I think so.

I think it's goin' away.

[Exhales heavily]

-A little too much excitement on the first night, huh?

-Yeah, you may be right. Ooh, that feels good.

[Exhales heavily] -Let's just go to sleep, hmm?

-Yeah. Oh, just keep doin' that.

-Okay.

[Static hisses]

-Okay, so, anybody who's seen "The Hands of Orlac"

knows where this story is going.

In fact, anyone who's seen any of "The Hands of Orlac"

remakes and rip-offs, like 1935's "Mad Love"

with Peter Lorre or that Oliver Stone movie

we used to show on, um, TNT "MonsterVision,"

"The Hand" with Michael Caine,

or the other "The Hand," the 2023 Korean film,

or, for that matter, "The Beast with Five Fingers" in 1946

or "Body Parts," which came out

just two years before "Body Bags."

But the original story is the 1924 Conrad Veidt version

of "The Hands of Orlac," a German silent film

based on the 1920 French novel by Maurice Renard.

In fact, Renard doesn't usually get much credit,

but he actually invented the subgenre of transplant horror

and, some would say, body horror in general.

But he died in 1939, long before Twiggy says,

"But is it God's will?"

-Aww, Twiggy is so great in this.

-She is. She's the ultimate

optimistic wife, telling her husband

that everything is gonna be alright and he's still a stud,

despite the fact that she can't look at him

without losing all interest in sex.

That's one of the roles of women in life, actually,

to lie to men so that we can repopulate the planet.

All the acting in these three episodes is superb,

including Mark Hamill as the desperate

minor league baseball player who loses his eye

right on the verge of being called up to the majors.

And when I first saw this movie,

I wondered, "Would it be possible

to play Major League Baseball with one eye?"

Because I know there have been guys in the majors with,

uh, you know, handicaps, missing limbs, notably Jim Abbott.

He threw that no-hitter for the Yankees in the '90s,

one-armed pitcher.

But the answer to the one eye question was kind of mixed.

Yes, there was a one-eyed player,

but he was a pitcher, not a hitter,

and he played in the pre-modern era.

He played for four different National League teams

in the 1880s.

Hugh -- His name was Hugh "One Eye" Daily.

And he threw a no-hitter

when he was playing for the Cleveland Blues.

And I should note, given tonight's theme,

he was from Ireland! -Whoo!

-[Chuckles] And while I'm getting off the subject,

I forgot to mention that's the great David Warner

as Dr. Lock in the Stacy Keach episode.

Definitely an A-list actor, illustrating again just how good

a "Body Bag" series could have been

if Showtime Networks had just ponied up a little more coin.

And that's Debbie Harry of "Blondie" fame

as David Warner's alien nurse

singing "Bringing in the Sheaves"

as she puts Stacy Keach out of his misery.

Yet another crossover superstar.

Best "Blondie" song, Darcy?

-Oh, man. -[Laughs]

-I got to go "Heart of Glass." -"Heart of Glass."

-It has to be. -Has to be, right?

Um, disco city.

This movie was just packed to the brim with big names.

Um...

You know, right now, if I didn't have a vegan co-host --

[Laughter] Sorry, Darcy, but if I didn't

have a vegan co-host, we would be roasting a side of beef

in order to reproduce the second most important Samhain ritual.

The first one is the bonfire.

-You know, the bonfire was such a really big success,

we can probably just skip the second ritual.

-It's fine. It's fine. -The cattle rite

is the second one. -We don't need to do it.

-In 508 BC, cattle equaled wealth,

and it also represented not starving

during the harsh Irish winter.

So you feast and you store the meat left over

and you make sure to keep those cattle alive through the winter.

And the way you did that is that you sacrificed the meat.

You prayed for the meat. You distributed the meat.

All -- everything -- -The meat?

-Everybody goes home with meat.

And you made sure that everybody's meat was protected,

which is what we say in Texas,

where many families have always been in meat.

Isn't that what the cook says in "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2"?

"My family's always been in meat."

So, in Texas, we say, "Don't let anybody beat your meat."

[Laughter] Anyway...

-I ain't never heard that. -Well, I mean,

it's like a Texas, Oklahoma, Kansas,

Nebraska thing, you know? -Mm-hmm.

-"My meat is better than your meat," you know?

-Okay, I get it. Um, but why would you

kill the cow if you want to worship the cow?

-No, we don't worship the cow, Darcy.

-Isn't that what you said? -We just say,

"Lords of Samhain, we could eat this cow,

but we would rather you have it.

And we'll give you this one.

Just make sure the rest of them are still here in the spring."

That's -- See, that's why it has to be a power animal.

You can't give them an old,

skeevy, battered bovine like the one we bought.

-Okay, what was the cattle rite?

-Oh, okay. Then --

See? I lose track.

-Really? -We're gonna pass --

[Laughter] We're gonna pass the cow

through the smoke. -Oh, yeah.

No, we sent the cow home.

-What?

-Yeah, we sent the cow home after the last break.

I wanted to get the money back, so...

-[Chuckles] -You mean we have no cow

for the cattle rite? -Correct. Yeah. No cow.

-You know, I love you guys, but sometimes I question

your devotion to Samhain.

-We're devoted to Halloween! -Yeah!

-Whoo! -Back to the conclusion

of the extremely underrated anthology film "Body Bags."

I don't know why I even try.

-Aw. -I mean, we got Mark Hamill.

-Yeah. -We got John Carpenter.

We got Tobe Hooper. We got guldarn Twiggy.

-Twiggy! -Twiggy is in this movie.

-Yeah! -Did Twiggy --

-What? -Did she get blamed

for anorexia?

-Oh, I feel like she did, like, pretty hardcore.

-She doesn't look anorexic in this movie.

-No, she started modeling when she was 16,

and she weighed like 84 pounds.

She was just naturally thin, though.

-Naturally thin. So, no big deal, right?

-Right. I think people had a problem with a 16-year-old

being the symbol of sexy clothes.

-Well, bless her heart.

Kate Moss was skinny. -Bless her heart.

-She didn't get an international flack.

-Oh, she definitely did. Like, heroin chic.

-Okay. -Yeah.

-Well, I don't see anything wrong

with a supermodel being skinny.

-I don't see anything wrong with people being skinny

or not skinny or whatever the fuck you want to be.

-Alright. Okay, we settled that.

-Forever and ever. [Laughter]

-Um, best Twiggy song?

-I know that you're joking,

but she's actually a really good singer.

-Yeah, I was kind of joking.

So, best Twiggy song? -[Chuckles]

I don't know, but trust me -- she sings really well.

-What a multi-talented cast.

-Yes! -And what a skinny cast.

[Laughter] -If you're into that.

[Evil laughter]

[Static hisses]

♪♪

[Bird cawing]

♪♪

♪♪

-Honey, breakfast!

Did you do your eye exercises? -Mm-hmm.

-Listen, I have to get to work. Are you okay?

-Yeah. -Okay.

[Birds chirping]

[Keys clatter]

[Ominous music plays] [Camera shutter clicking]

If you feel like it, why don't you take a crack

at putting the crib together?

-Because I got the backyard to work on, okay?!

-You don't have to yell.

-Did I?

I'm sorry.

-Our baby will hear you.

[Horn honks] There's my ride. Bye.

-Mm. -See ya.

[Door opens and closes]

[Fork scraping]

[Plate clatters]

[Garbage disposal whirs]

[Ominous music plays]

[Camera shutter clicking]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Eggs splatter]

-[Breathing heavily]

[Thudding]

♪♪

[Thudding]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Shovel scraping]

♪♪

[Breathing heavily]

♪♪

[Shovel clatters]

[Breathing heavily]

[Camera shutter clicking]

♪♪

[Camera shutter clicking]

No!

[Groaning]

[Breathing heavily]

♪♪

"Make a joyful noise unto the Lord, all ye lands.

Know ye that the Lord, he is God."

[Keys jangling]

[Crickets chirping]

-Brent?

Brent? -Hey, darlin'.

Come on up. Got something to show ya.

-Hi. -Hi.

-Hi, sweetie. -Mmm.

-You're in a good mood. -Well, feelin' better.

Come on. -Good.

-[Chuckles]

-My handyman.

-Yeah, it's pretty nifty, huh? -[Chuckles]

What about the sides?

-I was about to do that.

There.

[Plastic clicks] There.

[Ominous music plays] [Camera shutter clicking]

-Jesus Christ!

You took your diapers off again.

Look at this mess!

You make everything so hard for me, you --

-[Screaming]

-What is it?! What's wrong?!

Oh, Brent, honey, what's the matter?!

Oh, my God!

Well, can't he be reached at home?

I don't care where he is. I just need to talk to him.

No, no, no, it's my husband.

Well, I don't know. It's an emergency.

Uh, he's not dying, if that's what you mean.

-I'm feelin' a little better.

-Oh, hold on a moment, please.

Oh, I don't know. You look so --

I mean, I really think you should see someone.

-Oh, no, I really am feelin' better.

Just tell 'em I'll call him tomorrow.

-Are you sure? -Mm-hmm.

-Hello?

No, no, don't bother.

We'll call him in the morning.

Thank you.

-Mmm. [Phone hangs up]

I'm feeling much better.

Do you know what would make me feel better still?

Mmm. Mmm.

Mmm.

-[Breathing heavily]

♪♪

-[Breathing heavily]

♪♪

♪♪

[Ominous music plays] [Camera shutter clicking]

♪♪

-[Screaming]

[Knife plunges] Get off of me!

[Screaming]

[Flesh tearing] Ahh!

[Crying] Ahh! Get off of me!

-[Breathing heavily] -[Sobbing]

Brent... -What?!

-Look what you did. You bit me.

I'm bleeding.

-[Gasps]

I see things.

-What things?

-Just leave me alone.

Leave me alone!

-[Sobbing]

[Door closes]

-[Cries]

"He gnashes upon me with his eye.

Mine enemy sharpened his eyes upon me.

They have gaped upon me with his mouth.

They have gathered themselves together against me.

God hath delivered me to the ungodly

and turned me over into the hands of the wicked.

He hath also taken me by my neck

and shaken me to pieces and set me up for his mark.

His archers compass me roundabout.

He cleaveth my reins asunder and doth not spare.

He poureth out my gall upon the ground.

He breaketh me with breach upon breach.

He runneth upon me like a giant.

I have sewed sackcloth upon my skin

and defiled my horn in the dust.

My face is foul with weeping,

and on my eyelids is the shadow of death.

Therefore, rejoice.

Smoke rose from it like the smoke from a gigantic furnace.

The sun and sky were darkened by the smoke from the Abyss."

I told you to leave me alone.

Why can't you do what I ask you to do?

-Please, Brent, go see the doctor.

-Yes? Will he help?

Will he help me? Will the doctor help me?

[Exhales heavily]

-I'll drive you.

-No. The keys.

Where are the keys?

-Downstairs on the table.

♪♪

♪♪

[Gearshift clicks] [Engine shuts off]

♪♪

-What have you done to me?

-[Chuckling] Oh, uh, Brent, I --

Aren't I supposed to see you this afternoon?

-What have you done to me?

-I don't know what you're talking about.

-What's happenin' to me?!

-Are you outta your mind? Calm down.

-This eye. This eye!

Where in the hell did this eye come from?

-Wh--What does it matter?

-Tell me!

-Well, it, uh...

From a man, a man who died.

-How did he die?

-He -- He was executed.

He -- He died in the gas chamber.

-Well, who was he?

Tell me!

-Uh, Randall. John Randall.

[Groans]

♪♪

[Engine starts]

[Tire squeals]

[Tires screech]

-Here we are -- John Randall.

Just move this, and it scans the entire text.

Let me know if you need any more help.

♪♪

♪♪

-"Apparently, Randall had attempted

to get rid of the bodies in his kitchen garbage disposal."

"Ultimately, the dismembered remains

of seven young women

were discovered in shallow graves.

All the victims had died as a result of stab wounds

administered by a pair of garden shears."

"Each of the women had been sexually molested...

after death."

"Subsequent investigation into Randall's past

uncovered a childhood marked by physical abuse

at the hands of an...

alcoholic mother.

Police were struck by the fact that Randall's mother,

like all the victims, had blonde hair."

"In conversations with police,

Randall referred to himself as...

the Devil."

[Mouse clicks]

[Birds chirping]

-Brent?

-[Grunts] -Brent?

-I'm out here!

[Breathing heavily]

♪♪

-What did the doctor say?

-Oh, nothin' to worry about.

[Grunting]

♪♪

-Could you please stop diggin'? I need to talk to you.

-I can't.

I have to finish diggin' your grave.

-Ahh!

-Whore! -[Screaming]

-Aah! -No!

What are you doing?! No, get off me!

Get off me!

-Whore!

-[Screaming]

Get off me! -Yeah!

-Get off me, please! -This is the John Randall, dear.

-Please get off me! Please, no! -He chose them by their hair!

-[Sobbing]

-John Randall. John Randall.

John Randall, John Randall, John Randall, John Randall!

Randall, Randall!

John Randall.

He cut 'em up, you see?

John woulda liked you.

I have his eye, you know.

I see what John Randall saw.

[Breathing heavily]

And it's so damn satisfying.

-[Crying] Brent, the Bible. Look at the Bible.

-He makes 'em soft.

Their hair is soft, but...

they're whores!

So we have to make 'em soft.

And then we can have 'em.

But then they get cold,

and, oh, John --

he doesn't like that.

Grind 'em up! That's what we do.

[Chuckles]

But they're too big. Big and ugly.

And so we dig.

Put 'em in the ground and make 'em quiet.

Oh, John -- he knew what was good.

-[Sobbing] Brent, the Bible. Look at the Bible.

-What is in the Bible?!

-John Randall's in the Bible.

-John Randall's not in the Bible!

That's Brent! Brent's in the Bible!

-That's right. Brent's in the Bible.

-No, I-I -- I mean that...

-That's right. You said Brent's in the Bible.

-No, that's not what I mean.

-Yes. Look, it says it in the Bible.

"From Cathy to Brent." Our baby.

-Shut up, whore!

-No!

"To Brent from Cathy,

may we always walk together with God."

[Ominous music plays] [Camera shutter clicking]

[Knife plunges]

-[Grunting]

♪♪

♪♪

[Groans] -[Screams]

-[Groaning]

-[Sobbing]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-♪ I got my eye on you, baby ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

[Chuckling] Oh, sorry. I couldn't resist.

So, what do you think?

Myself, I love stories about our national pastime --

violent death.

Ooh.

What I don't understand is,

why was he so upset about losing his eye?

You could have become an umpire.

[Doors creaking]

Uh-oh. Better get movin'.

[Bag zips]

[Exhales heavily]

[Shivers] It's freezin' in here.

[Bag zips] Nighty-night.

[Bag zips] [Footsteps approaching]

-Oh, man, it looks like we got our work cut out for us tonight.

-Man, you ain't lyin'.

-Might as well get started.

[Bag unzips]

Another John Doe, huh?

-Ohh, severe trauma to the abdomen, I'd say.

-Really? What's your first clue?

[Chuckles] Here, give me that saw.

[Saw buzzing]

[Humming]

-Ohh. Hey, I'm gonna get some coffee, man.

-Hey, get me some too, buddy. -You bet.

-[Humming] [Buzzing continues]

[Bones cracking, flesh tearing]

[Buzzing stops]

-You know, these guys crack me up.

You gotta love 'em.

Oop, gotta run.

[Squelching]

-[Whistling]

[Fingers crack]

That's not good.

[Organ thuds]

Well, look at your liver, buddy.

What the hell you been drinkin', formaldehyde?

-How's it coming?

-[Chuckles] Give me the head saw.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Static hisses]

-So, in that final scene,

the morgue attendants were played

by Tom Arnold and Tobe Hooper himself.

So, I don't remember any movie

that had that many directors in acting roles.

We had Tobe Hooper.

We had the legendary Roger Corman,

who played the doctor who says,

"I would say I'm skeptical," about the eye transplant.

John Carpenter himself.

Wes Craven is the creepy guy,

the first customer you see in the "Gas Station" episode.

Sam Raimi played the dead attendant in "The Gas Station."

Greg Nicotero was the man

walking his dog in the hair episode.

This movie is a Who's-Who of horror.

And yet another guy I forgot to recognize --

the late Robert Carradine was the killer in "The Gas Station,"

the head nerd in "Revenge of the Nerds."

-Yeah. -Son of John Carradine,

brother of David Carradine,

Keith Carradine, Michael Carradine.

I think there's another Carradine out there.

There's Michael, and then there's one more.

I think Robert's daughter is an actress.

Plus, Martha Plimpton is Keith Carradine's daughter.

As soon as a Carradine is born anywhere in the world,

they send him over to the casting office to get baptized.

[Laughter] And I forgot to mention

the other doctor in the segment that we just watched, Dr. Lang,

was played by the great John Agar

from all those John Ford westerns with John Wayne,

plus "Revenge of the Creature," "The Mole People," "Tarantula!"

a whole bunch of '50s and '60s horror flicks.

Also, remember when Stacy Keach is freaking out about his hair

and he's noticing all these people on the street

with luxurious hair,

and he sees a drop-dead gorgeous blonde

tossing her hair in slow motion?

That's Kim Alexis, the drop-dead gorgeous supermodel.

Almost every character in the movie is played by a star.

But that's only half of our Halloween special

because still to come is the "WNUF Halloween Special."

And do you know what that is, Darcy?

-Of course I do. -Found footage.

-I know. [Chuckles]

-A fake Halloween special

inside of our actual Halloween special.

Isn't that cool? -That's so cool.

-Well, don't get too excited. -[Chuckles] I'm so excited.

I'm not the biggest fan of found footage,

but what I am excited for right now is --

ta-da! -- this letter... -Okay.

-...from Katie Potts of Tinley Park, Illinois.

-Okay.

"Hi, Joe Bob and Darcy.

My husband and I have been big fans for ages.

I remember watching Joe Bob on 'MonsterVision' on TNT

when I was a teen.

We had a question that's kind of weird.

Kellen --" I guess that's her husband.

"Kellen is a huge punk fan, and he loves the Dead Kennedys.

Every time we see the album cover

for 'Give Me Convenience or Give Me Death,'

we wonder if the man on the cover is you, Joe Bob.

Please solve this puzzle for us and let us know

if you were on the cover of this classic punk album.

Thank you, and the drive-in will never die.

All the best, Katy and Kellen Potts

of Tinley Park, Illinois."

And, um, you have the album cover?

-Yeah, I can put it up -- here, I'll put it up on the screen.

-Put it up on the screen, yeah.

-Yeah, there's the cover. -Okay. Alright.

So, after all these years, I can talk about it.

They had to staple that barbed wire to my face

to get that shot, but I was such an admirer of Jello Biafra

that I said, "I'm willing to suffer for this album cover."

[Laughter]

-I know you well enough that I know that's a frickin' lie.

[Laughter] -No.

I did meet a lot of people in the punk scene

in San Francisco in the '80s.

I think I mentioned this before,

I was the only non-musical act

that played the major punk club in San Francisco,

Wolfgang's in North Beach.

And I did leave a note in the dressing room

for Jello Biafra one night

because the Dead Kennedys were coming in the next night.

But he never answered me, so we never communicated.

So, no, I wish I was the barbed-wire head on the cover,

but, alas, I never attained that degree of popularity.

Darcy, I never asked you -- I forgot to do something else.

-What? -I never asked you

what you thought about "Body Bags."

-Oh, it's cute?

[Laughter]

It's fun, and John Carpenter is amazing in it.

But it's really -- It's fun. -Does it achieve the greatness

of Amicus anthology films or "Creepshow" or...

-I mean... -..."Black Sabbath"?

-No. -Still gave it four stars.

[Laughter] So, that's it for me,

Joe Bob Briggs speaking for myself and Darcy the Mail Girl.

Stick around for our second feature.

But for now, we're gonna remind you

that we got an election coming up,

and almost all the candidates are either slicker

than boiled onions or else crooked as a dog's hind leg.

So, if you do find a three-jump cowboy out there,

give him some money and put his sign in your front yard.

And the drive-in will never die.

Did you hear that the CEO of IKEA

just got elected prime minister of Sweden?

-No.

-Yeah, he should have his cabinet together

by the end of the weekend.

[Laughter]

-They left. What do you want?

-There's this new study.

We were talking about Twiggy and anorexia earlier.

-Yeah. -There's this new study

that reveals that women who carry a little extra weight

live longer than the men who mention it.

[Laughter]

-I'm trying. [Laughs sarcastically]

-Um, I just read a long article on Japanese sword fighting.

Let me "samurai-ze" it for you.

[Man groans]

-I feel like I like the ones that no one else likes.

I like that one. -Okay.

-"Samurai-ze"? Come on. -Alright, Halloween joke.

-Alright. -Alright.

-Guy's driving past a pumpkin patch at night.

Pulls his car over to the side of the road

and he walks out into the pumpkins

and he starts thinking, "You know,

a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside.

And there's no one around here for miles."

-Uh-oh. -"And I'm kind of horny."

[Laughter] So he picks out a pumpkin

and he cuts a hole in it and he starts satisfying himself.

He gets so carried away that he doesn't notice

there's a cop coming up behind him.

The cop says, "Excuse me, sir,

but are you screwing that pumpkin?"

The guy says, "Pumpkin?

Damn! Is it midnight already?"

[Laughter]

-Aww, that was good. That was good.

-One more? -Yeah, please.

-Alright.

A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law

go to vacation in the Holy Land.

While they're there, the mother-in-law passes away.

And the undertaker says to the man,

"You can have her shipped home for $5,000,

or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150."

So the man thinks about it and says,

"You know, just have her shipped home."

And the undertaker says, "Why would you spend $5,000

to ship your mother-in-law home

when it'd be fine to have her buried here with only $150?"

The man says, "2,000 years ago, a man died here,

was buried here, and three days later, rose from the dead.

I just can't take that chance."

[Laughter]

-I'll take that one. I'll take it.

-But "samurai-ze," A-plus. -Yeah, "samurai-ze" wins.

[Laughter]

[Evil laughter]

[Static hisses]