Original subtitles

On Wednesday, Prime Minister Andy Burnham met with President Zelensky of

Ukraine to reaffirm Britain's support in their war with Russia.

This is exactly what happened.

President Zelensky, welcome back to Downing Street.

Thank you, Prime Minister Burnham.

I look forward to working with you as I did with your predecessors. Crazy blonde

man, crazy blonde woman, boring brown man and boring white man.

As a show of support, we will be accelerating the delivery of British

missiles. They are being delivered by every.

So if you're not home, they'll leave them with the country next door.

That's OK if it's Poland. Not ideal to leave with neighbour on the other side.

You cheeky Charlie.

Come on, we're all here. I forgot you used to be a comedian.

Go on, tell us another joke.

Mr Burnham, my country's been under attack every day for four years.

You probably had to be there.

We need America to restore the Starlink Internet. Without it, we are vulnerable

to drone strikes.

Also, it is very difficult to stream celebrity traitors. I'm way behind, no

spoilers, you know, but I think Richard E. Grant is going to go all the way.

Well, I can promise you now, I will raise all of this with President Trump

at the first opportunity.

Did somebody say Richard E. Grant?

President Trump.

That's right. You say my name and I appear.

I got the name from my, I got the idea from my very close friend Beetlejuice,

the late great Beetlejuice.

It's one of the two ways I am like him. The other is sex pest.

Alleged. They can't prove he did that stuff.

Mr. Trump, what are you doing in the UK?

You know, I'm in town for the weekend to see my favorite comedian.

He's performing live at High Court in the role of defendant.

That's great.

Mr. Trump, we were hoping to ask... Oh, Zelensky!

Oh, jump scare. Didn't see you there, buddy.

Zelensky's right there.

Me and Putin were just talking about you. Not in a nice way. Very bad.

Very bad.

But I didn't come here for you. Well, if you're not here to talk about Ukraine,

then why are you here?

I'm here because, surprise, we're doing job swap.

Job swap?

Yeah, I take over the UK, you take America.

I tell you, that place is a real mess. You're going to hate it. It's an awful,

awful job.

It's a terrible place full of disgusting people. I don't know what the hell

happened. Come on, job swap with me. I can't swap jobs with you now, Cocker.

I've barely even started. People don't even hate me yet. Oh, come on.

Come on, this country's gone to the dogs and I alone can fix it.

I hear you got problems with the small boats. If I was in charge, no more small

boats. Day one, big, beautiful boats.

The biggest boats you've ever seen.

Coming into Dover, bigger than the cliffs.

UK reference. I don't get it.

I don't think you've completely understood the actual problem. Oh, you

got problems in Man City, too. I don't know about Man City.

Big problems there, but I'd sure like to visit Lady City.

That sounds nice.

All access, no questions asked.

And how about that tiger, folks? Big tiger problems, gobbling your guys up.

I'm Team Tiger.

I like all orange predators.

Game recognized game.

Orange predator solidarity.

Let's see, what else I got? What else I got? What else is going on?

There are too many Percy pigs, okay? Enough is enough.

We're bringing back the regular Percys. M&S, if you're watching.

No more pals, okay?

M&S, they're doing the reversi-persis. They're putting the ear stuff on the

face, the face stuff on the ear. Not for long. It ends today. We're going to stop

it. We're going to be looking into that very shortly, I can assure you.

And how about British comedy, folks? What a bad situation. It's not doing

well.

SNL UK, you're telling me you don't have a guy, the whole cast, you don't have

one guy who can play Trump.

an awful situation.

Some of these people went to RADA.

What are you? RADA.

RADA.

RADA.

Freddie. RADA.

What is that? The Royal Academy of Dogshit Actors?

Ooh, you can say shit on this one. That felt really good.

Very weird. I feel really weird.

Mr. Trump, do you have a point?

Not usually, no.

So what do you say, Andy? Are we doing this job swap thing? Please, please

don't make me go back there. It's awful back there. Nobody likes me.

The midterms are coming up and I'm about to totally eat shit.

Please, Sir Keir.

Please, Keir, Andy.

Please, Andy, four acres set me free, Sir Andy Keir.

Please. The answer is no, Donald.

Fine.

Zielinski.

Job swap?

Trust me, you don't want my job. It's terrible. So much of it involves

spending time with you.

Fine, I'll go home.

And Zelensky, let me know if you need anything, anything at all, provided it's

not help with war.

Sorry, Zelensky, me old mucker, but as dire as things may be, what matters most

is that we all be nice to this insane man.

Yeah, this guy gets it, because...

Welcome to Saturday Night Live UK.

What a series so far. Can we all agree these guys are absolutely killing it?

I am so excited to be here. I finally get to do some comedy.

I'm usually known for playing villains like Tommy Lee Royce in BBC's Happy

Valley.

Where I get up to all sorts of heinous crimes.

punching police officers, kidnapping kids.

But worst of all, oof, those frosted tips.

But the truth is, I've come here tonight with an ulterior motive.

Despite playing a series of psychopaths and weirdos, there is one thing people

always say to me.

Oh, my God, my mum absolutely loves you.

It's true.

I'm like a mid-season sale at Oliver Bonus.

I'm Cadbury's fruit and nut.

I am mum crack.

What can I say? What can I say? I'm Moorish.

The other day, I swear to God, a woman in her late 80s shuffled up to me on the

street and said, I'm so sorry to interrupt, but can I get a photo with

you for my mum?

I'm like, no, I'm sorry, come on.

Your mum is dead.

What evil parts do I have to play before they leave me alone?

My next three roles are Prince Andrew, Osama bin Laden, and history's greatest

villain, Captain Tom's daughter.

Oh, my God.

The mums are here tonight.

Why do you like seeing me do horrible things?

And also, I want to ask, why is it that only mums love me?

Where are the Gen Z kids?

I want to trend on TikTok.

I want to trend on TikTok, not Mumsnet.

I mean, look at me. I'm a wild guy. I've got my ear pierced.

I wear a chain.

I look like I sniff MCAT in Ibiza with Wayne Lineker.

Also, you all think I'm a lovely man who plays wrong-uns, but the truth is, I am

a wrong-un.

I only recycle if the bin's, like, right there.

I throw pebbles in the ocean because I love rising sea levels.

I don't have a flipping TV licence.

Absolute bad boy!

Do you know what, though? I am at the end of my tether. You know, what can I

do?

Oh, you, sir, you look kind of cool.

What, me?

Yeah, you want to do some bad boy stuff with me?

Nah.

I'm only here because...

Me mum, she loves you.

Please, are you kidding me? Please, please!

Will the mums please just fuck off?

Honestly, what do I have to do to shake this adorable image?

Oh, look, an incredibly cute white cat just happens to be sitting there in the

front row.

Oh my God, mums love cats.

This is my chance.

I'm gonna flip off a cat on live TV.

Hey, watch this, mums.

Who am I kidding? I love cats.

I love M&S.

I love strumming myself off thinking about Monty Don.

You know what?

Do you know what?

I love the mums. Come on, girls. Come on.

Bryce Shigsaw, I see you, I see you.

And these shoes, chic but sensible.

I love it. We've got a great show for you tonight. The streets are here!

They love the streets.

Mike's a good boy too.

Stick around and watch this!

Over five million women in the UK are not up to date with their cervical

screening. And getting screened can help stop diseases before they start.

I'm doing it for peace of mind.

I'm doing it for our future.

I'm doing it because they've got James Norton doing the screenings. The what?

That's right.

BAFTA-nominated James Norton is going to do your cervical screening.

I just wanted to do my bit for women's health.

And I hadn't had a job in a while, so when my agent called, I literally

couldn't say no.

I used to put off getting a smear test because it's odd showing my foof to a

stranger. But James Norton isn't a stranger. I know him from Happy Bali.

Well done.

Thanks, James Norton.

You're welcome.

OK, who's next?

Wow, women really love getting their smear tests.

If you'd like to follow me.

This should only take two minutes.

I'd always said I'd only ever let two people down there. James Norton and

Harlan Titchmarsh.

I wish every day was Smith's day.

I actually haven't done anything yet.

I loved him in House of Guinness and I love him in me.

The numbers are rising every day.

So, I guess, well done, James Norton.

I made him give it me Grantchester style.

Who's next?

I'm going to have to ask you to turn over, please.

Oh, missionary.

Next. Next.

Next.

I've had 30 smear tests this week.

That's arguably too many apparently the constant swabs are making whatever I

have down there way worse Some of the women can be a bit forward if you could

just get undressed to a level you're comfortable with Thanks

James Norton smear tests now done by James Norton Okay,

and you're done now I do you

Okay.

Thank you, James Norton. Thank you, James Norton.

Thank you, James Norton.

Sorry, Mrs Briggs, but I'm supposed to only offer screenings to people between

25 and 64.

Shut up and pat me, Norton.

We're going to have to go through something unpleasant.

Let us also have a little treat.

Oh!

Guys, thank you so much for making this emergency meeting. I know it's last

minute, but this is important.

It's October, and everyone knows what that means.

Halloween!

Come on, Harry, think.

Oh, I know. It's been one year since my adult circumcision. Oh, congrats, but

no.

I'm talking about something much more serious than that. Something we should

all... care about, something that is very close to my heart.

It's Black History Month. Oh, my God.

Come on, guys, it's time to lock in.

Agreed. That's a great idea.

Um, Chris?

It's already halfway through October. We don't have to do this. We absolutely

must do this. We have a colleague amongst us who has had to endure

erasure. We should be celebrating black history, not making them feel like black

history.

Did you rehearse that? Yes, I did.

Starting today, we're going to do Black History Month properly.

That means, for the rest of the month, no more pastries on the Monday morning

debriefing. We are having jollof rice.

Drawl off race for breakfast.

I like that. I like that a lot. Also, you each get a copy of Ainsley Harriot's

best-selling autobiography, Fry Up Fun.

Oh, I've heard that. This is devastating.

Chris,

Chris, listen, I appreciate this a lot, man. I appreciate the effort, but this

is too much. No.

No, I'm sorry. When it comes to solidarity, we can never do too much.

Power to the people!

It's just one fist.

Well, I care about it twice as much.

I actually took the liberty of preparing an exercise, a fun role play, if you

will, so that we can start to truly understand what it has been like for our

brethren.

Jackie, I want you to lie on the floor. Oh, yeah.

Joe, if you wouldn't mind getting up, please.

Jackie, you're going to let Joe walk all over you.

Because that is what it feels like. No.

No. Come on, Joe!

You are your ancestor's wildest dream.

What? No, I work in marketing.

Chris, this needs to stop.

If you really care so much, you'd give me a raise.

Well, let's not go crazy.

Guys, guys, look, I just want this to be a welcoming, tolerant workplace.

Diversity, inclusion, equity.

I feel like the phrase is diversity, equity, inclusion.

No, Harry, please, don't get bogged down in the details.

Look. I even made some posters.

Oh, my God.

Jesus Christ.

That is a powerful font.

Chris, I think you've got the letters mixed up.

You haven't sent this out yet.

Yeah, of course I have. I've had 600 billboards put up across the country.

But I think people will know what I mean.

Oh, hi, Mimi.

I'm going to work from home. I'll see you guys.

See you guys.

You haven't made any other posters, have you? I have, and I will make as many

posters as I need to, because at this office, we welcome all colours of

people. Nay, we need all colours of people.

No, no, no, come on!

That's me!

What? Sorry, it's person of colour. P-O-C.

Yeah, it's an easy mistake to make. Also, I'm sorry, guys, no-one's going to

get that confused.

All right, poster outside, set unneeded.

This isn't piss tape.

Are you resisting arrest?

No, I'm not. Wait. Where's my pizza tape?

Where's my pizza tape?

Wow. Wow.

The struggle is real.

OK. October is also Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Jackie, lie down on the

floor.

Oh, my sweet Victoria, I cannot wait to present you as my new wife to German

society. Nor can I, darling Prince Albert.

What's a German society ball like?

I imagine it's just like an English ball, only perhaps a little more beer.

Let's get you in there.

You're going to love it.

Oh, my God!

I guess it's still pretty early.

It's 11 o'clock at night.

Yeah, really early.

Maybe it'll pick up.

Let's go inside, bitch.

How unusual.

What is this place?

It's Berghain 1840, Bert.

victoria your wife okay nice to meet you vicky you pussy honestly

i'm coming up like a gecko poking out of a hole right now this place

is a total twerk house even the chillax room is 160 bpm come on

how did you two meet partying and also from her

being my cousin

I'm going to head to the fisting room if you want to find me.

Oh, and by the way, Uti is here.

Oh, Scheisse!

Who's Uti?

Also my ex, and also my cousin, to be fair.

What's cooking, Albert, you cuck?

Uti, I thought you moved to a warehouse squat in Prague.

I did, but the cat in me sucks now.

It couldn't tranquilize the Shetland pony.

So what does she say? Yes, yes, I've got it.

Darling Albert, I'm not sure I fit in here and it smells odious.

Oh, come on, Vicky, darling.

It's just Jaeger and jizz.

Don't be a pussy bitch. Yeah, don't be a pussy. Come on, Victoria. No, no, this

isn't what I signed up for.

I thought this ball would be lederhosen, beer, maybe some bratwurst.

Girl, there is bratwurst. It's on floor five and it's poking through a hole in

the bathroom wall.

cousin. Albert, come on, babe. You knew I'd be here tonight busting my nut on

the floor.

Listen, you know that nobody loves Distraza more than me.

So, what is it, Albert? What is it?

You want me back?

Oh, come on, bro.

You know we had to end it. The sex was just too good.

There was nowhere to go.

I got a Prince Albert piercing for you, man.

What's that?

Girl, a dick piercing?

He invented it. That's like his whole thing. You never know this.

I always just lie back and think of England.

Girl, you need to...

dedicated to the decorative arts, and one entire floor will just be old

chairs.

She's a boring bitch.

Wait,

wait!

Actually, I kind of want to get in on that.

It really is kind of dead in here tonight, no?

You just you never think it's gonna happen to you

So I just sit

It happened right in front of my eyes and I

I did nothing I'm excited for sense and sensibility I've actually Read

the book He read the book

I thought it was going to be a normal date.

But it wasn't.

Not to me, no.

I didn't even know Dune was a book.

So in the book, that character is actually two separate characters. But in

the film, they have kind of merged them into one.

That scene lasted over six chapters in the book. So much detail. God.

Have you seen Little Women?

I just love Greta Gerwig's work and how you can tell it was really influenced by

her husband.

Noah Baumbach.

Noah Baumbach.

This documentary reminded me that I too have read a lot of books, says GQ.

Don't get me wrong, there were signs.

You know, I should have known.

Even his phone looked like a little book.

Can I just ask, you are going to blur me out, right?

We'll blur your eyes out, yeah.

Yeah. Are you able to...

Leather, um, hair.

Look, is it such a crime to love reading?

Sorry, what are you doing with your voice? We can do all that in post

-production. Yeah, but I don't trust you.

Oh, and I read a book about a man who was interviewed anonymously and they

completely screwed him over.

My name's Sandra Book and when I originally heard about this phenomenon,

I thought it couldn't be true.

I was excited.

I was trying dating again.

A new guy, a cinema.

What could go wrong?

You know, in the book, she actually survives.

No, she doesn't.

Well, I agree to disagree.

The film we were watching was based on a book I wrote.

And sometimes it's not just the women watching the films that have stuff

explained to them. It's the women in the films.

So dark, the con of man.

No.

He doesn't say that.

Yeah, you tell her.

It's really good.

From the producers of I Know Quite a Lot About Japan.

He read the book. A brand new documentary based on the book of the

same name.

It's actually more of a graphic novel.

Ladies and gentlemen, I've been very excited about saying this bit.

The streets!

You're coming.

My name is Distrasa.

And I love a fruit and nut. Let me tell you.

See, I reckon you're about an eight or a nine.

Maybe even nine and a half in four bits time. That blue top, top, top you've got

on is nice. Bit too much Faitano, but yeah, you score high.

But there's just one little thing that's really, really, really, really annoying

me about you, you see.

Yeah, yeah, like I said, you are really fit. But my gosh, don't you just know

it? I'm not trying to fool you. This is good. Even though I would like to.

I'm going to be coming in for an inspection.

So when I looked at you standing there with your hoard, I was waiting in the

queue looking at the board, wondering whether to have a burger or chips or

what the shrapnel in my back pocket could afford.

When I noticed out the corner of my eye, looking to all my direction, your eyes

locked on my course. I couldn't concentrate on what I wanted to order,

which lost me my place in the queue I waited for.

I'm not trying to fool you.

Even though I would like to I think you are really fit You're fit, oh my gosh,

don't you know? Leave it out Leave it out Leave it out Leave it

out Leave it out

For a while there I was thinking, yeah, but what if?

Picturing myself pulling with bare white hot wits Snaring you as you were

standing there opposite Whether or not you knew it, I swear you didn't tick And

when that bloke in the white behind us locked you in Was clocking onto YouTube,

yeah, I had to admit That, yeah, yeah, you asked it, and yeah, I do want it,

but I stopped sharking a minute to get chips and drinks.

It's really not that hard.

You just have to have a good time.

Yeah.

I bashed my head hard earlier due to the brew.

But I am digressing slightly, so I'll continue.

I didn't want to bowl over or geezer and rude.

Not rude like good, but just rude like I'm good.

You girls think you can just flirt and it comes to you. Well, let me tell you,

see, yes, yes, you are really rude.

And rude as in good, I knew this as you stood and queued. But I just did not

want to give the satisfaction to you. I'm not trying to pull you.

Even though I would like to. It's Saturday night.

And I've had too many burgers.

And just as you started to make your big advance with the milkshake and that

little donut in your hand, I was like, nah, I can't even know you look grand,

but you look sharp there, smiling hard, suggesting and gleaming away with your

hearty, hearty-looking tan.

But I admit the next bit was spanner to my plan. You walked towards my path, but

you just brushed right past and into the arms of that fucking white-shirted man.

You, sir, ruining my evening.

I think you are really fit. Yeah, you're better than they were earlier.

What do I give a fuck? I've got a girlfriend anyway.

We're all a bit drunk, we've had a few, fair play.

I got this Stella a bum from that last cafe.

This night's not even begun, yes, yes, oh yay.

I did fancy you a bit though, yeah, I must say.

I would rather I hadn't mugged myself on display.

But this is just another case of female stuffy play in an otherwise total result

of a holiday.

I'm not trying to fool you. Has anybody got anything I can drink? No, I would

like to.

i think you are really fit don't you know they

don't have a truck i

think

i'm going to fall over i think i'm going to fall oh

Fuck it out!

you're broken up here whose fault is that it's mine

which one do i cut green yellow red

no it can't be like that between us and you

Anya Magliano.

Share your location and grab your pepper spray. We're off to the White House.

President Trump's press secretary, Katie Zachariah, has lost her job after just

five days.

Trump told Zachariah that she should, quote, reconsider her position and

immediately offered her a new position, kneeling on the floor of Air Force One

with her bra off.

President Trump described Zachariah as an attorney, even though she never

passed the bar exam.

She did, however, pass a much more important test of looking tantalisingly

similar to his daughter.

Trump also welcomed a new ambassador to his team on Tuesday, a business

executive called Barbara Thornhill.

Thornhill is known to her friends as... Whoa, Jesus!

Oh, my God, Barbara, you scared me there.

In 1994, as part of her charity work, Barbara spent time with Mother Teresa's

leprosy order in Calcutta.

But they just couldn't cure her.

An investigation from ITV has obtained covert recordings of reform councillors

making violent and racist remarks.

To collect all of these violent and racist remarks...

journalists were forced to go deep undercover with reform for almost 15

seconds.

And another reform councillor has resigned after claiming that King

Charles is Muslim.

When asked for comments, the palace replied, quote, Of

course, there is a chance that Charles was

tempted to convert to Islam.

Being able to have two wives at the same time would have saved him a lot of

admin.

So, is there anything to these rumours that King Charles is actually a Muslim?

Here to comment, please welcome the Muslim King Charles!

Obviously not, that would be insane.

Nationwide protests are breaking out in France against the fraying social

security system.

As we speak, there is a tense stalemate between protesters and police, as both

sides are French, so neither knows who to surrender to.

Rioters are also protesting against rising costs of living.

Locals say they've been unable to buy basic things like deodorant for the last

200 years.

LAUGHTER This week, UK Defence Secretary Wes

Streeting was in Washington, meeting his US counterpart, Pete Hegseth.

Wes Streeting is openly gay, whereas Hegseth is a devout evangelical

Christian, which must make the sex they're having...

In other US news, the execution of a former army officer will no longer be

live-streamed. Nidal Hasan was convicted of opening fire on soldiers who were

awaiting vaccination.

Especially tragic, considering the vaccine they were waiting for was

against bullets.

In Vatican news, Pope Leo has been discharged from hospital following an

operation to remove a growth on his lung.

After the diagnosis, he found consolation in the words of John 14, who

said, Would you like a handjob, your holiness?

The Pope was hoping to fully cure his cancer by the religious practice of the

laying on of hands.

My children, he said, I fear the cancer has spread to my knob.

According to a recent study by the Football Association, over 93% of

referees report experiencing abuse, and nearly 50% of referees consider quitting

due to the hostile environment.

To tell us more, here's a Sunday league ref.

So, what are... What are the issues facing referees? OK, look, I'm sorry,

but refs just need to grow a pair, you know?

You just need to stand your ground. They'll try anything to get to you, you

know? Take the piss out of your clothes, say things like your face and body suck,

that your family are trash, you know? Take the piss out of your clothes again,

you know?

OK, your clothes, what, like your ref uniform?

No, your clothes, like what you're wearing before and after the game. Keep

up, Jesus!

I thought you were going to hit me.

OK.

Are you sure you're coping with the abuse? You seem like you are letting it

get to you.

How am I letting it get to me?

Well, you're crying. This is hardly crying.

Right. Well, how do you deal with all the abuse you get? You just need a

clever comeback, OK?

It's easy. You know, it's just banter at the end of the day. So if someone says,

ref, ref, you're an idiot, you say, really?

Do you actually think that?

And then you head off to where the next foul's been committed, you know?

OK, so sort of the opposite of standing your ground. OK, OK, fine.

Last week, someone shouted, I hope you die alone, and I said, well, I've got

another game next Sunday, so if I die then, I won't be alone, you know?

And then someone said, you're a disgrace to your family, and I said, well, they

aren't here, are they?

If someone says, ref, why don't you jump in front of moving traffic?

You can just say, like I said before, I've got a game next week, otherwise I

would, you know?

Just stand your ground.

OK, well, is there anything you'd suggest to people looking to get into

reffing that might actually be helpful?

Yeah, I'd say it's a brilliant job.

You get fresh air, exercise, you know, and every Sunday morning, 30 grown men

you've never met get together and explain exactly why you shouldn't be

alive. And I love that challenge. I love that challenge.

A Sunday league ref, everyone!

The BBC has been criticised after editing out a

pro-trans Protect the Dolls T-shirt worn by a Strictly contestant.

The BBC has stressed that they're not transphobic, they just hate dolls, as

they're often used by victims to demonstrate where they were touched by

BBC talent.

Wallace and Gromit creator Nick Park has revealed that in an upcoming audiobook,

Gromit will speak for the first time.

Makes me sick.

How can you give Gromit a voice when so many women around the world don't have

one?

In royal news... In royal news on Tuesday, Prince William was seen playing

cricket outside Buckingham Palace.

William was pummeled hard in the crease and then Kate let him go and play

cricket.

An 89-year-old man from Basildon has had his dying wish fulfilled after he was

finally able to meet a Highland cow.

By happy coincidence, it was also the cow's wish to finally see a man from

Basildon die.

Over the past year, Western Europe's highest mountain, Mont Blanc, has shrunk

by more than a metre. But to be fair, it's cold up there, so it's natural.

A lucky mum... A lucky mum who forgot to update her postcode lottery ticket after

moving house has won a share of a million-pound jackpot from her old

address. But remember... She is still a mum, so her life is bad.

Bristol's improv community are reportedly devastated following the

closure of their theatre.

In honour of this sad event, I'm going to improvise my punchline to this story.

Can I get a place of work? The International Space Station.

And what's my job?

I'm the Prime Minister, but I'm made of jelly!

Freeze! What's this?

A magic stone that makes everything I say the opposite?

No, it's a book. But who's it by?

Oh, hello, I'm Sally Rooney.

And I'd like to read you an extract from... Stop!

You can't say that book in this country because it is banned.

Did someone say ban? I'm Paul McCartney and I'm trying to start one of those

with Prince.

Fingerprints. There's been a murder.

I'm tagging in. Good evening. I'm Sherlock Holmes, the greatest detective

in the world.

But the world's on fire.

Fire. Aim.

Ready? The opposite stone!

And that is why they had to close the theatre.

Archaeologists have discovered that communities in Roman Britain were

importing and eating pistachios. When eating the pistachios, the Romans used

to say, which is Roman for 5,000.

A couple from Merseyside have spent £400 transforming their Vauxhall Astra into a

Ghostbusters-themed spooky ambulance for Halloween.

And I have to say, it's shit.

A ride operator at Munich Oktoberfest was praised for giving out free cycling

shorts to female riders.

Wearing the gym shorts will protect women from being upskirted, but it does

make them vulnerable to something much worse.

Last week on SNL, comedian Shane Gillis also caused controversy by dropping the

F-bomb.

Oh, Shane, you're not allowed to say that, you stupid fucking cunt.

It's so crazy. I can't believe we worked together so long. I had no idea you were

a pug person.

It was such a good idea to get them together. I just know they're going to

be best friends.

Well, shall we just leave them here for a bit just to get to know each other?

Ernie can be a bit territorial when I'm around.

Yeah, great idea. Rocco loves other dogs.

I'll show you the garden.

Good day to you, sir.

Good day to you, sir.

Have we met, sir?

No, indeed we have not. And yet, sir, here you come, bold as brass, tramping

through my chambers like some country slobber-de-gullion, giving off a scent

that is quite unfamiliar to me, sir.

My chambers, wherein I keep my great treasures.

My stinking old bed, the rubber donut upon which I choke, and the ratty old

Rupert the Bear toy, which, when the occasion takes me...

I sodomize vigorously.

My compliments, sir.

But I apologize to no dog for my scent, sir.

No Gelder's blade has made a eunuch of me, and therefore my natural musk can

be unnerving to a lesser sort of cur.

Cur, sir, cur, God's blood.

I'll not stand any dog to use such words to me. No, not whether they be

Rottweiler nor Chihuahua.

You do not mend your manners to me, sir.

I'll fetch you a handsome cuff about the ear.

That is my style, sir.

By the living God, sir, I will have satisfaction.

I shall tweak your nose, if indeed that brachycephalic protrusion upon your face

may be called a nose.

You forget yourself, sir.

My owner has been heard on several occasions to say that I am the

handsomest male boy in the world.

And... Do you mean to suggest she is a liar, you adulpated

ninnyhammer? I should never call a lady a liar, sir. But my owner declares me

the handsomest boy in the whole world. And that even after I sicked up a load

of Toblerone, what I got into on the boxing day.

Prepare yourself, sir, for I shall now bite you roughly about the face and the

neck. Do your very worst, sir.

You disgrace yourselves with this unseemly carry-on. Good heavens!

A cat!

Indeed, and a thoroughly disagreeable one at that.

My owner's solitary failing is that she is enthralled to this ungodly creature.

My poor dear fellow, I had no idea.

My owner keeps a budgerigar, whom I have on good authority is a paedophile.

All birds are.

The barbarous libertines. I see now we are entirely of one mind, sir.

Would you ever forgive me the roughness of my tongue? The fault is mine, sir,

certainly. Would you take it amiss if we were now to inhale the pheromones of one

another's anal glands?

Like gentlemen?

Drink deep of them, sir.

I wonder that a lady such as myself should be surrounded by savages.

Good day, madam. Good day. Good day. Good day to you, madam. Good day. Good

day. All right, boys, come on. The mean old cat can't hurt you. Let's go to the

park.

The park?

Start at where you are.

Use what you have. You can't make utopia.

Do what you can.

Dread fills in where doubting dried.

The red pill sinking down inside.

What's the next best move in the hour of war?

When on the next Jenga move, this tower will fall.

We're meant to be shitting but we're scrolling on the doors.

There's plenty of signal but we're crawling up the walls.

The reason that it's not a vibe is of course you don't reason with the

crocodile in its jaws.

I know I scare a herd of hoes with that and I'm wearing my work in progress hat.

They think because they're better that they'll never get it.

The guillotine severs whoever's head is in it. Start at where you are.

Use what you have. You can't make utopia.

Do what you can.

Swirls are burning.

Dumps the flames.

The world is turning into Hunger Games.

Action and madness, but the angles are fun.

Imagine where Zanderson happened in Brum. Can we all just put a cork in the

snark? Can we walk till there's a fork in the park?

Like thereby streams there are no pillows.

Where they dream there are no windows.

We don't believe our eyes but not doubting the sound. There's a three car

pile upon a roundabout.

We rake and hoe and crush at plants but can't fake utopia. It has to just

happen. You pray for change because you see what is wrong.

But if you wait for rages then three will come along.

Just cute faces painted, screaming a song.

I've let it go, I've shown my calloused hands.

So what periscope and blow the ballast tanks?

You should call a friend and yell out, what's it for?

You were born again, but you fell out on the floor.

First people getting to see Flavio Agostini's collection before Milan

Fashion Week.

Three years without a single show, interview or photograph.

The industry's been waiting for this.

But just remember, Flavio has a very particular relationship with negative

feedback. Last person to give him any hasn't worked in fashion since.

Oh, OK.

Oh!

To be on John, Flavio has arrived.

in this collection is an extension of my soul.

Behold, the future of fashion.

That just looks like, um... Shh!

Don't say anything negative.

We have to say something. We can't open Milan with that. OK, OK.

Flavio, darling, wow.

How did you come up with the idea for this collection?

I am glad you ask.

I wanted this collection to be about self-reflection, looking at yourself and

deciding to become a better person.

So you could say you started with the man in the mirror? Yeah, see?

And asking him to change his ways.

OK, well, he's clearly doing this on purpose.

Doing what?

Marcus, darling, if you can just tip your hat and lean forward a bit.

Mmm!

Beautiful. Look at that silhouette.

OK, piss off.

What?

How dare you talk to Flavio Agostini that way?

You've clearly stolen this whole collection from Michael Jackson.

Michelle who?

I don't know her.

Of course you bloody do.

He's doing the bloody noise now.

It's just the way you make me feel.

Flavio, you can't seriously expect us to believe you've never heard of one of the

most famous musicians in history.

I don't know him.

I was homeschooled, OK?

My parents never let me listen to music.

They locked me in my room for days and they tell me that I'm bad, I'm bad,

Shamone.

Sorry, Flavia, your parents said Shamo.

Yeah, see?

They wouldn't stop till they got enough.

Yeah, OK.

We're screwed. Fashion Week is in two days. OK, OK, OK.

Maybe we can present the collection as a homage to him. Who is this Michael

Jackson character, anyway?

OK.

OK.

Right.

He did what?

Oh, no.

Oh, God, there's more?

A theme park?

Oh, God, that's not good.

Jesus. Jesus.

A monkey?

Jesus. Oh, okay.

Well...