Original subtitles

- [electronic warbling] - I've finally done it, Jacobs.

I've created a gravity-defying projectile

that can hit a target thousands of miles away.

Whoa! That is sick!

That is sick!

Uh, glad you're so excited about it.

Oh, it's not about your thing.

I invented a new kind of cocaine that doesn't make you wanna jump

in a pit of crocodiles the next day.

New cocaine! No crocodiles!

Is repeating everything you say multiple times

at the top of your lungs the only downside?

Yep! Yep!

What the-?

[percussive music]

[gasps] Who would do this?

Who would? [sniffs] Who would?

[percussive music continues]

[both coughing]

It's poison. Quick, give me some of your cocaine!

No! I do not have enough.

[coughs] I do not have enough.

[rasps]

[theme song playing]

Happy Friendaversary!

Got a big day planned. Let's paint the town friend.

[cheerful upbeat music playing]

[groans contentedly]

[both laughing]

[cheerful music continues]

[both laughing]

[cheerful music continues]

[both laughing]

[both laughing]

Aw, damn it.

I told you when you're on the way, call my cell.

[Russian accent] But you give me your cell.

Wh-Why did you hire our plumber

to pretend he's you on our Friendaversary?

Because I'm your friend,

and I didn't wanna hurt your feelings by telling you

how sixth grade it is

to celebrate the day we first met.

Also, our maid wanted 50.

I'm not sure you know what "friend" means.

What?

Don't say that.

Come here, you.

Where the hell is your mute button?

[grunts] You would know where it was

if you ever read my manual like a real friend.

[door opens and closes]

So, how'd it go yesterday?

They give me your root canal.

[groans]

Heh, suckers.

[pained grunt]

We believe he is one of Da Broz

behind last night's Cybernetics prank attack.

Da Broz? Sounds stupid. Unless it's like Da Bears.

[Midwestern accent] Da Bears!

[as The Richmeister] Makin' copies.

Schwing!

My VCR has SNL: Best of 1991stuck in it.

Da Broz are part YouTube trick shot crew,

and part terrorist group.

I bet you're wondering how an ace gumshoe like me

knows about this kid stuff.

Nope. I was thinking about

how a hamburger bun on its side looks like a flat butt.

I only know about them because I recently took a DNA test

and got some shocking news.

It turns out, I'm eight years old.

Who knew?

Anyway, now I'm seeing a child psychologist,

one Doctor Rubin,

who says I shouldn't spend my formative years

watchingColumboreruns and focus more on kid stuff.

You know, social media, pee-pee, poo-poo,

Spider-Mans-

You're it.

[buzzing]

Oh, great. My kid's school.

- Lord, give me strength. - [phone beeps]

What they do now?

[groans] I'll be right there.

I hate kids.

I really wish I never came out to you.

Okay, Da Bro, start da talking.

I'm no rat. That's not what friends do, dawg.

Oh, yeah? And what do friends do?

I'm asking for a friend.

Oh, God.

We just kinda kick it.

I know Da Broz are planning something.

Must be nice making plans together.

I can't even get him to clean my hard-to-reach hoses.

I maintain a big part of friendship is never touching.

And we don't even have a friendship song

like all my friendship idols do.

Buzz and Woody. Laverne and Shirley.

Batman and Robin.

E-Even though, it's just Batman over and over.

I want a real friend.

And it breaks my nuclear reactor heart.

It appears your ill-behaved little imps

dunked the lunch lady in the hoop.

[grunts]

[grunts]

- Look, Mister Pentos- - Doctor!

- [lunch lady grunts] - I'm a working widow

with five boys.

This is not a "me" problem.

The moment I drop them off here they become a "you" problem.

Until I pick 'em up

and they become a "whatever Twitch is" problem.

While I do not respect you as a mother or lady of the law,

for my own sanity, I will offer a solution.

You see, I too was once a wayward youth

until a church group saved me.

Eh, no offense,

but you did end up a felon with an ankle monitor.

Actually, my super villainy began much later

when I joined an early morning runner's group.

Those people are truly...

[chuckles] ...truly the worst.

Here's the card for my church.

[chainsaw revving]

Okay, let's move.

We're about to get covered in lunch lady bits.

[panicked yells]

Great.

Here, you can use my-

[chuckling] He-Hey, look at the two of us cyborgs.

You got robot where I got guy.

And I got guy where you got bot.

[chuckles] It's like a...

[both] Perfect match!

Can I ask you a question?

I know it might seem quick, but...

? Do you think We could be friends, buddy? ?

You're singing to me already.

? When a friendship happens fast It can be almost frightening ?

? But when it's meant to be ?

? It really strikes Like lightning ?

As in McQueen and Mater?

Sure!

? Well, you can be my Spongebob I can be your Starfish Patrick ?

? You can be my Morty ?

? I can be Your creepy grandpa Rick ?

- ?Abbott ? - ? Costello ?

- ? Turner ? - ? Hooch ?

- Ah! - ? Bert ?

? Ernie ?

- ? Shrek ? - ? Donkey ?

? Joey ?

? The guy who died In a hot tub ?

Aw, that was so sad.

I know.

But was it?

[both] ? We are friends ?

- [child] Whoo-hoo! - [laughing]

Don't get lost!

That didn't even sound convincing to me.

Ah!

You must be Detective Martinez. I'm Dem�n the reverend.

And this is Boysenberry.

Ooh, you wanna little treat?

[children laughing]

At the church, our aim is to keep kids focused, calm,

and most importantly, exhausted.

We even teach Chinese.

The food or the language?

- Both. - Mmm.

But our main focus is religion.

It takes much study to be a Satanist.

Did you say [as Church Lady] Satan?

Sorry, Flute's always doing the Church Lady from SNL.

Oh, don't worry.

This isn't your violent stepfather's Satanism.

We're kinder and gentler now.

I grew up a strict Catholic.

I can't let my boys be Satanists.

- I'd be condemning them to- - We have free child care.

I'm in.

Okay, Summers,

I got you an extra burger on the way home,

which proves I'm a friend.

Then I remembered you don't have a mouth,

which proves I don't need to read your manual.

- [mechanical whirring] - Machine G. Kelly! What the-?

I'm gettin' hosed.

[both laughing]

- Mm. - [laughs]

Are you jelly of Summers' new friend?

Uh, jelly of what?

Because he let some stranger shine his knob,

yank his crank,

and a whole bunch of other things that sound sexual,

but are actually regular cyborg maintenance?

[scoffs] I'm loving the time off.

Hey, we're gonna play some darts and-

And let me guess, you needed a little break

from the constant- [high-pitched squeal]?

Been there.

I'd show you where his mute button is if I could find it.

It's in his left armpit, not that I'd ever use it.

I love his voice, especially when he's all...

[high-pitched squeals]

Who's playing against us?

Flute, you want in?

Or is it gonna be a problem

finding someone to play with you?

Are you insinuating I don't have any other friends?

Because I've got a ton of friends.

For example, my dear... friend...

Uh...

Otis!

Me? [laughing] Well,

Doctor Rubin did say I'm ready for reciprocal relationships.

Perfect. Then Big O is on my team.

Oh, I'd love to, but it's bath time.

How about the four of us hit the arcade tomorrow?

I've been told my people simply adore that place.

[scoffs] Good luck.

As Flute's "friend," I'm sure you already know

how difficult it is to do any idea that's not his.

Actually, I'd love to go. It's a date!

Calling it a date was my idea.

Chief Martinez, am I daft or is Satanism making you taller?

I think so.

Must be the weight of all the Catholic guilt being lifted.

I gotta tell you, Mister Pentos-

- Doctor. - I got in it for the childcare,

but Satanism is a way better fit for me.

People aren't as judgy of each other,

there's ironically less chanting in Latin,

and I'm not constantly worried about the Pope's health.

Praise Satan!

And as much as I hate to admit it,

I would never have found 'em without you.

Tell it to the parole board. [chuckling]

But seriously, if they call, please do.

Hey, you going to the big to-do tomorrow night at the church?

Odd. I was not invited.

Hmm...

Well, I have been a bit lapsed.

Maybe I could use a little dose of darkness in my life again.

I have recently found myself feeling disturbingly upbeat.

I guess you could be my plus one if you want.

You bet your sweet bippy, I will!

"Sweet bippy?" Who the hell even am I?

[children laughing]

Well, this place is... great.

If you like the smell of poopy pants

covered by lemon bleach.

Nope. No. No. This is what Doctor Rubin was talking about.

Embrace the fun!

Whee- Ope-

This is a very sticky carpet.

Barry stood you up, huh? Ah, don't take it personally,

he probably just really disliked you.

Sorry!

Took forever to make these

for our three-day Friendaversary.

[Summers squeals excitedly]

Oh yeah, well I didn't make Otis a thoughtful gift,

because I'm about to win him the biggest prize here.

When I was a kid they called me The Claw

because I won so many prizes.

I also had a pretty severe case of juvenile arthritis.

Game on! [pained grunt]

[upbeat electronic rock music]

[grunts]

[electronic rock music continues]

- [laser shots pulsing] - [dinging]

[laser shots pulsing]

[gunshot]

Here's your prize.

Ow!

- It's a friendship bracelet. - That hurts. Stop!

[Summers] You can stop pretending now.

We know you're not friends with Otis.

If anyone is pretending, it's Barry.

What's that supposed to mean?

Look, I don't know what his angle is,

but there's no way he genuinely enjoys

being around you all the time.

No one would, present company included.

You know, because it's usually excluded.

I'm only explaining because you both look confused, or,

I wanna say, angry?

- [sniffles] - Hey, look at me.

He'll never appreciate the power of your big nuclear heart.

Let's go.

Well, if this is friendship,

maybe I should just go back to playing with myself.

Oh, just one more thing.

Doctor Rubin's got me watching this show calledBarney.

I was hoping for a prequel toBarney Miller.

It's not!

But the purple gentleman did say,

"When it comes to friends, sharing is caring."

Think about it.

- [child giggling] - Ugh, where's your handkerchief?

Here, take mine.

Are you sure this is it?

I have yet to see a single pregnant goat.

Or a goat being impregnated.

Or an impregnating goat.

To be honest, I do not recall seeing any goats.

- [jazz piano playing] - [crowd chattering]

[music stops abruptly]

Are my horns crooked?

Uh, let's go check it in the bathroom.

Ah, Congregant Martinez. So glad you came.

And who is your, um, interestingly-dressed companion?

Doctor Rufis Pentos. Class of '85.

Blood chug champion three years straight.

Blood chug!

Odd, I do not see anyone from my old crew here.

I thought they would surely return

for the Blood Moon Sacrifice.

Actually, we've changed quite a bit

since you were a member.

This is now our Blood Moon Charity Blood Drive.

But please, help yourself to the food.

Don't mind if I do.

[squeaking]

No! Boysenberry!

What are you doing?

Why is a bat on his shoulder if he didn't want me

to bite its head off?

You monster!

Monster? I am no monster.

[grunts]

I am the God of Hellfire!

[detuned chords]

Ugh!

I guess I only know how to play the double-necked ones.

They're much more evil.

- Martinez! Save me! - [guitar thuds]

[guitar notes ring]

[in Chinese]

Sorry, maybe try praying?

But just know that has never worked.

Ever!

Da Broz struck again.

They stole a launch booster from the rocket

that was supposed to leave Katy Perry in space this time.

Uh, you okay?

Me? I'm great.

Summers has been gone,

so I've been using the time to do some reading.

Reflection. Masturbation.

Those last two are separate things.

Look, we gotta solve this fast.

Da Broz just announced they're dropping a new video

live on Saturday night.

Live on Saturday night, huh?

- [crowd cheering] - [TV host] Live from Grimsburg,

it'sCrime Mind Live!

Starring Otis Volcanowitz,

Greg Summers,

Kenan Thompson, who lives here now!

And here's your host...

Barry!

[laughs] So happy to be hosting CML.

I'm Barry, and as some of you know,

I recently showed up in Summers's life.

- Bleep. Bloop. Bleep. - [audience laughing]

Kenan, that is not what I sound like.

I sound like this: "Your big, nuclear heart."

"Stolen rocket booster",

"Made every pop-a-shot",

"Read the whole manual on Summers

to steal his heart"?

Oh god, these aren't cue cards, they're clue cards!

You're one of Da Broz, and you're just using Summers

for his nuclear heart to pull off your next trick!

- Guilty! - Bleep-bloop!

[gasps]

We gotta find Summers!

[sniffs, groans]

[groans] Barry, is that you?

Oh, thank God I got to you in time.

Or maybe just a smidge late.

What are you doing here?

And why are you holding my head?

Because I was right. Your friendship was a sham.

Barry only wanted your body, not your mind.

Men.

How dare you say that about my friend!

Barry's probably just doing something nice to my body

as a surprise.

Can you not see what's happening?

I see you're jealous! Now put me down!

Gladly.

I never...

want to...

see you again.

[Barry] What the hell is going on?

I told you he'd come back.

I thought you took care of him.

Well, I guess

we need to finish the job.

The wax job on my body?

[over P.A.] It's time for the blood drive.

And to do the honors, our newest member.

Time to pay for childcare.

Pay? I thought this was for charity.

It is. But you don't pay in money.

We get paid in blood.

This traitor's blood!

[gasps] Are you okay, Mister Pentos?

Doctor. And I'm chained to be bled,

so, yeah, super good.

Who knew there was a downside to Satanism?

I don't know what to do!

Worry not, dear, for I do.

As a teacher, I can empathize.

I know how much help your little monsters need.

You may kill me with a clear conscience.

Not that it matters, for you are a Satanist now

and we do not believe in such things.

Or at least, we used to...

not to.

Time for the sacrifice.

[crowd] Sacrifice! Sacrifice!

[chanting in Chinese]

[groans]

No! When I came here, I felt so alone raising my kids

that I would have sacrificed anything

to have a community that wanted to help me.

But it turns out I already had one.

This man was the only person who's offered to help me

without asking for something in return.

That's what a sacrifice really is.

So if you need blood, you could kill him yourself.

Amazing speech until the last line.

Well, if you won't do the sacrifice,

you'll become the sacrifice.

Guards!

[engines revving, heavy metal music playing]

Somebody having a bloodletting and didn't tell us?

Oh, you guys! You saw the beacon!

- [grunts] - Damn, you're strong!

No. My bones are just petrified.

Now get your kids out of here.

Things are about to get demonic.

And Martinez, thank you.

No, thank you Mis- Doctor Pentos.

[panicked shouts, heavy metal music playing]

[crowd screaming]

Sorry, but we needed your reactor

to power the boosters into outer space

to pull off our sickest trick shot yet.

We're gonna blow a hole in the moon

and then sink a basketball through it!

It's the Ultimate Pop-A-Shot!

But that'll destroy the planet. You guys are sick!

Thanks, dude.

Barry, it's go time.

- [Barry] Hey, you rolling? - [Da Bro] Oh, yeah!

Summers, we have to do something or we're all gonna die!

And it'll be all my fault.

Feel free to rub it in my face.

[scoffs] Not that you'd have anywhere else to rub it.

I wish you never found my head, so I wouldn't have to see this.

Wait! How did you find my head?

Uh, your neural modem was still pinging,

so I ran a MAC address trace through the city's mesh network.

How'd you know how to do that?

Since you haven't been making me healthy food anymore,

I need extra time on the toity.

So, I, uh, read your whole manual.

Twice.

You were right. I need more fiber.

Now I wish we were still friends.

You don't know how hard it's been for me

to watch someone else use you like that.

That's my job!

You have a strange notion of friendship.

I just see friends differently.

I-I don't understand. Maybe if you sung it?

[groans, clears throat]

? A friend is a guy who pretends He doesn't see you crying ?

? Or swaps places with you Before you get a DUI ?

Dude, shut up! You're making me miss!

? A friend steps in when You're in a bad bar fight ?

? Maybe not right away, But at some point ?

? When other people Are breaking it up, too ?

Dude, shut him up, permanently!

? But sometimes a friend Has to be a distraction ?

? So that his other friend might Use his ocular thermal beam ?

? To slice Abad guy's Achilles ?

Bro, that's not what a friend d- uh, uh, ow!

[triumphant music playing]

So what you were sing-saying

is that even though we define it differently,

in the end, we're still friends?

No, that was just to get us free.

Of course. This is how I show I care.

By busting your, well ...

[Barry] Hey, I got the fuse!

Ten, nine...

I only got one shot. What if I miss?

You got this. You're The Claw.

Time to tie up some loose ends.

That'll make more sense in a second.

Now what do we do?

We can do whatever you wanna do.

Because, like a certain purple gentleman once said,

sharing is caring.

[Summers] So we can watchBarney?

[Flute] No.

Well, at least this time my boys brought her lunch stuff

so service wouldn't be interrupted.

Yes, I suppose that could be considered progress.

Oh, you left this last night when you, uh,

came over to watch the boys.

Thank you!

I am trying to channel their anger

into constructive noisemaking.

And they taught me how to say "rock and roll" in Chinese!

[in Chinese]

Yeah, that sounds great.

Satanism? Huh! That sounds like something

you would have gotten me involved in.

[laughing] You would have thought, Stan.

You would have thought.

Uh-oh, watch out! Salisbury steak coming in!

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