Original subtitles

Have you ever met a vampire?

No? You think they only exist in the movies.

You think they're just literary creations, the most famous of which

would be Dracula, the Bram Stoker.

Well, you're wrong.

Vampires do exist, but forget everything we tell you about them.

They don't sleep in cages, they're not afraid of the crucifixions, the light of

day and the cloves of garlic.

The vampires live by our side, and we don't know anything about it. They melt

in the crowd.

Only one thing can betray them, however.

They don't need blood to survive, as the legend says, but sex.

I love this forest.

The sap of these trees is unique.

It gives me... ...exceptional sexual power.

Yeah, enjoy yourselves, my darlings.

I'm starting to feel the effect of my injection.

It's starting.

Oh.

Oh.

um um

Thank you.

Aww.

Wow.

Where is she coming from?

Ugh.

Laissez-moi vous présenter Tommy et Jack.

Deux individus dont la profession n'est pas banale.

Ils sont en effet chasseurs de vampires.

Aucune formation universitaire n'est requise. On apprend sur le tas.

What is this habit of drinking milk? It's full of calcium.

You'll tell me. It can't hurt.

You have a lack of calcium.

No, but it's better to prevent than to cure. I'll stop you right now. You're

kidding. At a certain age, calcium, we don't need it anymore.

It can even be harmful.

Really? I swear, they say it on TV.

Yeah, but what age is it?

I don't know.

What I'm saying is that in doubt, you should abstain. It's bullshit, all that.

Moi, ce que j'en dis, c'est pour ton bien.

Allez, donne ça. Qu'est-ce que tu fous ? Saleté de lait. T'es malade ou quoi ? C

'était du long conservation.

Va la rechercher. Allez.

Arrête de te comporter comme un gamin.

Non, on est des hommes.

Ça n'empêche pas d'aimer le lait.

Et ce signalement ? D'après les témoins, le tueur est un boucher sanguinaire sans

pitié. Et quand je dis boucher, c'est pas une métaphore. Il s'agit bien de sa

profession.

C'est pour ça qu'on a fait appel à nous. Le goût classique.

It could be an ordinary serial killer.

Yeah, it could be.

The kind, the silence of the lambs, you see? Anthony Hopkins?

Yeah, except that after autopsy of the victims, the butcher in question would

have made love to them before shooting them. Watch out, I said make love.

It wasn't a rape. The legislator insists on that.

Not to mention that the reports would have lasted several hours in a row. You

realize that?

Ah, yeah, okay.

I understand better. We're lucky to have an affair with one of our kind vampires.

It's finally getting interesting.

Un peu d'action ne nous fera pas de mal.

Désolé de revenir là-dessus, mais que tu balances la bouteille de lait, je l'ai

encore en travers de la gorge, tu sais.

Ugh.

Thank you.

Whoa.

But where does the medicine go, I'm asking you?

Here we are, we're taking patients in for sexual detoxification now.

We'll have everything. Help, miss.

Please, help me.

No, but stop making us your comedy.

What if I checked for myself the validity of his diagnosis?

Because if Lascar really lacks sex, I'm going to provoke an overdose for him.

He's not going to be disappointed with the trip.

Because on the sex side, my libido is kind of exuberant, too.

So that's how we're meant to be, huh?

Wow. Kiss me.

Why not?

I'm not against it.

No!

I'm in ministry.

Good Lord, I fell for more perverts than me.

You're just a drag, you bastard.

I don't know

oh

That's gross.

That sucks.

Thank you.

Come on, take me again.

I feel it coming.

There, you got your dose of sex.

Get out of here now, wind! Fuck, I said wind!

Get out!

Get out!

Come on!

I am the master of your dreams.

I have come to give body to your dreams.

Drink, then. Here.

This elixir will erase all your inhibitions. You will be able to give up

without complexity or taboo to the realization of your craziest dreams. I

have read in your dreams and I know that they are of a perverse nature. Am I

clear in you?

Yes, that's right.

Well, I have come to expressly fulfill your wishes, my child.

Qui me dit que vous êtes à la hauteur ? Ne te fais pas de soucis pour ça.

Cet élixir va nous rendre sexuellement surpuissants. Voilà qui devient

intéressant. C'est une formule secrète issue du manuscrit ancestral des

seigneurs de la nuit, les vampires.

Je ne crois pas aux vampires, désolé de vous décevoir. Mais tu veux t'épanouir,

non ? Je veux expérimenter tous les jeux du sexe qui existent ici en ce bas

monde, c'est vrai.

So leave all your beliefs aside.

You can satisfy me. I came for that, my pretty.

It's my role.

Let me initiate the black magic of vampires.

Madam, can you repeat the sentence?

Submission is the secret of pleasure.

That's it, I'm done.

I hope you didn't make the wrong spelling, my little Tina, or you will be

severely punished.

You know very well that I like your punishments too much.

Ah, yes.

Let us now move on to the work to be done, my little Tina. And I count on

your assiduity.

Open your mouth wide, little roll.

Suck.

Deeper.

Apply yourself, will you?

Yes.

Yes.

Lie down.

Now, look at me and take note.

Get up.

Come on.

Go on, suck.

Yes.

Est-ce que vous le sentez bien à fond, madame?

Oui.

Oui? Encore.

Ça vous plaît? Tais-toi.

Continue.

No.

Oh.

Yeah,

that's good.

I learn fast, ma'am, you know.

Go on, that's good.

Play more with your tongue.

Voilà comment il faut s'y prendre.

Oh.

Satisfied, ma jolie?

Il n'était pas censé mourir à Sixier.

Mais quelle idée de le mettre dans le coffre.

Comment tu veux qu'il respire avec deux balles dans le buffet? En plus, il pisse

le sang.

T'en tiens une couche, toi.

Mais qu'est-ce que t'as dans le crâne? Ça va, n'en rajoute pas. Non, mais t'es

trop grave.

Vraiment, toi.

Come on, let's go.

I offer you a citronade, sir.

No, thank you.

It must be exciting, your profession.

You're a vampire hunter, aren't you?

Don't be surprised, it's your trickery that betrays you, sir.

C'était ça ou Men in Black. Avouez que c'était facile.

Ça doit être follement excitant de traquer ces saletés de vampires.

Vous avez pensé à engager des femmes ? Moi, je suis partante.

Allons, détentez-vous.

Get rid of your artillery.

It's not those weapons that interest me.

I feel like we're going to have fun, all three of us. It looks like it to me.

You know guys, I like it. It's reciprocal.

Who wants fresh ice cream? Amateurs?

My ice creams are good.

I have all the flavors. Vanilla, chocolate, pistachio, passion.

They are succulent.

I have what I need.

Are you sure you don't want one of my ice creams? No.

I'm not offering you any, guys.

Have fun, honey.

Come on, I'm going. I won't bother you with that.

Who was that?

I don't know.

T'as l'air de les apprécier, nos queues.

Beaucoup.

Ugh.

Oh, no.

Oh.

Yeah.

So,