Original subtitles

Roz, who's our last caller?

On line two, we have Marilyn. She's feeling a little homesick.

Go ahead, Marilyn.

Well, I like living in Seattle, but I don't know. I grew up in this little

town in Wisconsin, and I really miss that life.

Well, you're not the only one. My producer, Roz, has regaled me with many

stories of the great dairy state.

You're from Wisconsin, Roz? What part?

Bloomer. Oh, my God! I'm from Anam... Oh, my God. No way.

You're from Menominee. My cousins are from Menominee. Do you know the Rayburn?

Isn't that me? Billy Rayburn is your cousin?

I used to work with him at Bell's Frozen Custard. Oh, of course you did. Do you

remember that guy that used to run the store? The guy with all the moles?

Mr. T.T.

Well, ladies, as fascinating as this is, I'm afraid we're out of time.

Oh.

Well, that's okay, Marilyn. You can call back tomorrow.

Be sure you all tune in tomorrow for part two in our series, Women of the

Cheese Belt.

Goodbye for now, and good mental health.

These messages came for you earlier. Your wine is ready.

Oh, excellent.

You know, I'm hosting a tasting tonight for the wine club Niles and I belong to.

I'm hoping they name me the Maître de Chez. It's a long-standing dream of mine

to wear that silver cup around my neck.

You know, back in Wisconsin, if a guy wore a cup around his neck, it meant he

ticked off the gym teacher.

Fine. Make sport. But this does happen to be important to me.

Since when? You used to say that club was nothing but a bunch of arrogant,

corksniffing snobs. Well, that was before I got here.

Well, when I'm handing out bologna sandwiches this weekend at the homeless

shelter, it will do my heart good to know that a bunch of wealthy men are

swishing $200 bottles of wine and spitting it into silver buckets.

Well, it's not like we don't recycle the bottles.

Here they

are. Fins of six.

Big,

full-bodied.

Perhaps a bit baked.

Essence of truffles, long finish, Chambartin 76.

Bravo, Frasier.

If only your aim were as accurate, Will.

How is it those same taste buds can't tell the difference between me pot roast

and me flank steak?

Considering you learned to cook in England, it's a wonder I can tell your

flank steak from a braised tennis ball.

Now, now, let's move on to the number seven.

Ah, touchable.

A hint of current.

Whisper of... What is that? What is that? Ah, yes, wet dog.

You guys still playing that stupid game?

Dad, wine tasting is not a stupid game. It's a highly refined skill.

Yeah, I just saw a couple of guys on the corner practicing out of paper bags.

We are hardly winos.

Very distinguished people belong to our club. The mayor?

The commissioner of public safety? The chief of surgery at St. Luke's? Oh, just

the people I'd want walking around all liquored up.

Couldn't you find room for a school bus driver and a couple of air traffic

controllers?

Well, we could if they had impeccable taste.

Which reminds me, Dad, I have a favor to beg.

Would you mind if I moved your chair into your room until after the tasting?

Forget it. You might as well ask me to stay in my room.

Which takes care of the second favor.

All right, go ahead, move it. At least you don't have to spend the night

looking at your society pals getting tanked.

All right, Nance, come on, grab an ant.

Oh, you're serious?

You know I don't lift. Yeah.

With that stick where it is, I'm surprised you can bend.

Start hoisting.

Come on.

All right.

Oh, my God, Dad, this thing weighs a ton.

His room? All right. Yes.

Oh, God. No, no.

Don't drop it. Don't. Hey!

That gown. You better be talking about the floor.

Oh, of course. Oh,

for Peter's sake. It's just a little scratch.

Give me a yellow magic marker. I'll color it in. Nobody will know the

difference.

Dan, you have no idea how critical these people can be. They love finding fault.

We can put a rug over it.

A rug.

Where a rug doesn't belong.

Why don't we just throw down a twister, Matt? Have a few rounds between

vintages.

Steady, Fraser. There's still hope. I'll bring my contractor by in the morning.

Man's a genius.

You know, it's time you boys learned everything doesn't have to be perfect.

Yes, it's that kind of advice that leads to shag carpeting.

Ah, good morning, Daphne. Extra pancakes for me this morning? I'm famished. Yes,

well, you should have thought about that last night before you started making

crap. about English cooking.

I have hung up my spatula.

Well, you moved my chair, you cut off my pancake supply.

Why don't you just back out over Eddie on your way to work, make it a hat

trick?

And a hat trick would be?

That's in hockey, where one... Enough said, thank you.

Morning, Frazier. I'm delivering one miracle worker, as promised. Joe

DiCarlo, Frazier Craig. It's a pleasure.

That and my father, Martin Craig. Hi, Joe. So where's the scratch?

What? You mean you can't see it? Well, we're going to put some orange cones

around it so nobody would fall on it.

It's right here.

I can get rid of that.

It has to be done by five.

My guests arrive at seven, so it has to be a firm five, not a 5.15, not a 5.30.

I'll have it done by noon.

Splendid. I told you he was good.

We're talking about a man who's satisfied Maris.

Something that's still regrettably on my to-do list.

Coffee's ready.

Of course, I'm sure it'll taste like me old bath water to you. You know how it

gets all grey and scummy around the edges with little flecks of... Oh,

hello. Hi.

Hello.

I'd love some coffee, Daphne.

Mmm, Daphne?

Beth, this is Joe DiCarlo. Joe, this is Daphne. She helps me out around here.

Smells great.

Colombian? Oh, no, English.

The coffee.

Costa Rican.

Would you like a cup?

Yeah, thanks.

I'll be right back.

He's adorable.

Top me up.

Plate of pancakes?

Deal.

You know, Joe, Daphne's a great gal. Oh, yeah. And you know, she doesn't always

go around in that ratty old bathrobe. Oh, no.

She cleans up real cute. Oh, yeah.

You don't have to convince me.

You know, I think Dad's right. You don't need to fix that scratch. It adds

character. Come, Joe.

Niles, forget it.

Honeybon? Yes.

Oh.

How about, would you like one of these with your coffee?

Oh, I'd love one. Oh.

Anything else? No.

Sugar? Yes.

I meant in the coffee. Oh!

You know, Maris is quite keen on gutting my library to make more space for her

hats.

Why don't you come home with me, and you can send one of your men over to do this

little job.

Bruce would be good. The large, sweaty gentleman with the chili dogs on his

breath.

Joe is here already, and we do have a deadline. But don't you think it would

be prudent... Niles, it's settled. That's great, because I'm kind of

anxious to get at her.

I'll just bet he is the testosterone-driven... Niles! Niles!

He's talking about the scratch!

Oh, I knew that.

I mean, I know that.

I mean, what him?

Someone remodel?

Bad wiring in one of the condos. Well, I hope you gentlemen won't be working this

evening. I'm entertaining some very important guests.

You know how sound travels in this building. Can't make any promises.

We're here as long as this poor sap is willing to pay us.

What is happening?

Hold on, guys.

Sorry about this, Dr. Crane, but...

When I plugged in the sander to start on the floor, you blew a circuit.

So, naturally, you're sewing a hole into my wall.

And the circuit blew at the start of the fire.

You got some real bad wiring in here. Right. How long? A couple hours.

Now, a couple is vague.

That would mean the big hand would be on the 12 and the little hand would be on

the 4.

Oh, the 4. Well, the 4 is okay. Fine. Thank you. And you know the fire? And he

smelled it first.

Oh, well, he's a regular canary in a coal mine, isn't he?

My God, what's going on? Don't ask, Niles. Oh, I see you've got the Romany

Conti. Yes, but unfortunately, they only had the one bottle. Oh, that's funny.

The importer told me he had two.

Really? How strange.

You know, if I didn't know you better, I would swear that you had squirreled one

away for yourself.

But then we both know that you must be telling the truth because you're such a

slave to your ethics that even the slightest transgression would cause your

nose to bleed.

Which it isn't.

You just sniffed.

I didn't sniff. It was a snort of contempt.

A snort is out that was in.

Oh, all right.

The other bottle's in the car in my bowling bag. Thank you.

You have a bowling bag?

Yes. Maris and I have taken to giving each other gag gifts.

I gave her a cookbook.

I, uh, noticed how your shirt was clinging to your back. Um... I thought a

glass of iced tea might hit the spot.

Oh, thanks, Daph. Oh!

I got a spark.

Me too.

That's just static electricity from the carpet. It can happen to anyone.

I'll show you. Watch.

Niles.

to put these little fingery foods for tonight in the fridge?

Oh, yes, please. The brie is sweating up a storm.

Let me help you with those. No, Daphne, let me help you.

Excuse me, Bruce. Wow! Jeez!

Spark! Spark! Did you see the... Well, I will be

back after work at 5.30. I hope I have your word that my apartment will be

perfect by then. Sure thing.

All right, all right. Think before you answer.

This is not like marriage vows or a promise to a dying parent. This really,

really counts.

You have my word.

Thank you.

Man, I am sweating like a pig.

I've got to air myself out. Hey, hold the elevator, will you? I'm sorry. I

need this nose tonight, thank you.

You don't have to keep feeding these men.

Actually, Maris finds they work faster if you keep them hungry.

I don't mind.

Cops probably don't cook as well as their wives and girlfriends.

That is, if they all have girlfriends.

I'm sure Joe's probably mentioned some girl to you.

No.

Really?

That is, not any one girl.

Not old love-em-and-leave-em Joe.

From what I've heard, he's wrecked more homes than he's fixed.

Mimsy Stanhope has him over all the time, and I don't just mean to strip her

entryway.

Oh, I see.

I'm sorry, Daphne. No.

It's better I should know now before I get my hopes up.

Thank you for being honest with me.

I can explain everything. Wonderful.

Then perhaps you can explain these legs.

That's Cecil. He's the best ceiling guy in Seattle. We were lucky to get him.

When we opened up the wall to get at the faulty wiring, we found the gas pipes

leading to your fireplace were cracked.

Had to be fixed. Tonight.

I okayed it. It just seemed wiser to do it before the explosion.

Frazier!

The club members arrive in 45 minutes if you lost your...

Cecil! Giles, don't yell at me.

If you were able to lift anything heavier than an Emory board, we wouldn't

be in this position.

Well, maybe next time you'll listen to your old man. Thank you, Dad. You know,

I was just considering whether I should go shave or slit my wrists. You've made

my choice a little easier.

Don't worry. We are going to make it.

Only, uh, about that shaving.

We had to shut the water off to replace a valve.

Oh, well, that explosion idea is sounding better and better.

Could someone at least move that metal piece away from the door?

Hello?

Yes, uh, just hold on, will you?

Hey, Joe. Yeah.

You know, uh, you gonna be through by seven?

There's plenty of time for dinner and a movie.

Well, what are you looking at? Get back to work!

Thanks a lot.

Why would she do that? She's crazy about him.

Niles, is your nose bleeding?

No, no, I was just admiring Cecil's handiwork.

There was a mayor on the phone. Apparently his wife can't make it

tonight, so he has invited Senator Adler.

Could anything else possibly go wrong? Take a look at that.

Oh, dear God.

Is that blood on my floor?

And another drop.

wrong to mislead someone, even if it's for his or her own good.

What did you tell Daphne?

I made up a story that Joe seduces all the women he works for so she wouldn't

go out with him.

Niles, how could you be so selfish?

I didn't do it for me. I did it for her.

She deserves a doctor or a lawyer, someone for whom a t-shirt is an

undergarment.

Look, I don't know what sort of twisted fantasy you've concocted about you and

Daphne. I suppose it involves a con... hitting the earth and you and she having

to rebuild the species.

But trust me, Niles, it is not going to happen.

She needs a man that can do more for her than just smell her hair.

Daphne, what are you going to do?

You are going to fix this.

What am I going to tell her? Tell her the truth.

Only the truth shall make you clot.

Yes, Dr. Crane? Yes, Daphne.

Niles has something he wishes to discuss with you.

What is it, Dr. Crane?

Oh, look, you have a spot on your tie.

Well, earlier, what I said about Joe, I made a

mistake.

He doesn't sleep around.

He hasn't wrecked any homes. And the business about Mimsy Stanhope... Oh,

sorry.

If there were John around here, they'd knock your puddle.

You can use the master bedroom.

Joe never worked for Mimsy Stanhope. He sure didn't. I do all the work at

Mimsy's. She is one tough lady to satisfy.

You?

I'm the only guy who can make her happy.

Everybody knows that.

So,

that was the mistake you made. Those stories you heard weren't about Joe.

They were about Bruce?

Hard to believe, isn't it?

But you know, when society women go slumming, they go all the way.

So, you can tell Joe that you changed your mind about going out with him.

Oh, no, I couldn't. What would I say?

Well, just tell him the truth. Tell him that I heard stories that he... Oh, no,

bad idea.

Here.

You, wait here.

Yeah. You have to ask Daphne out again.

Are you nuts? You heard what she said.

Yes, but if you ask her again, she'll say yes.

Hey, maybe I've changed my mind. Oh, no, you haven't changed your mind.

You're just letting masculine vanity and hurt feelings keep you from something

that other men can only dream of in their oxblood, cetus leather wingback

chairs with the lights off.

Dr. Crane, I just don't think it would work out, okay?

No, it's not okay.

If you had ever smelled her hair, you'd know she's worth at least one more try.

She is an angel.

She is a goddess.

And she's waiting for you in the bathroom.

You got a minute?

Oh.

Oh.

You're never gonna make it.

Daphne, would you please get there?

Jeez, I thought you were just gonna slit your wrist. Looks like you went for

death by a thousand cuts.

I cut myself because I was shaving without water.

And why was there no water? Because I had to move your chair, which gouged the

floor, which made me call for Joe, who found bad pipes, which called for Cecil,

who ate the cat that killed the rat that lived in the house at Fraserville!

That was the doorman.

Senator Adler's limousine just pulled up. Oh, it's over.

It's over.

Sing, fat lady, sing.

Fraser, what are we going to do? You're going to give me your cash, both of you.

Come on.

Why, just hand it to me. Come on, be quick now. All right, all right. You

want all $700?

You carry $700 in your wallet?

Well, Maris asked me to stop by the drugstore later.

Just hand it over. All right.

Okay, guys, I got 700 and some odd dollars here.

If you can get everything cleared up before Frazier's buddies get up here,

it's yours to split any way you want on the way out.

Bribery, that's your big plan?

My God, it's starting to work.

Starting to work. Hey, here's another hundred. I was holding on to my old man.

Dr.

Crane? Yes.

Joe told me what you did.

I think that's the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me.

Thank you.

Oh. Did you feel that? We made a spark.

Oh, yes, we did.

I guess you were right.

It is just the carpet.

You ready?

Good night.

Good night, Daphne. Have a good time.

Thank you.

Oh, my God, we did it. We actually did it.

Oh, Dad, please, please don't leave. I'd like you to stay. I mean, you helped me

get this put together tonight.

Oh, thanks, Frase. That makes me feel good.

Not good enough to hang around with that bleeding-heart, softy-on-crime Senator

Adler, but good.

Come on, Eddie.

Politicians are coming.

They're here.

Senator Adler.

Mayor.

Welcome to my humble abode.

You know you're out of cheap pee in a can.

Hey, baby, I hear the blues are calling. Tossed salads and scrambled eggs.

Quite stylish.

And maybe I seem a bit... Confused? Well, maybe.

But I got you pegged.

But I don't know what to do with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs.

They're calling again.