Original subtitles

[80's dance music begins playing]

[phone ringing]

Five-five-nine-six?

No. I'm sorry.

Mr. Jarvis is tied up right now.

Have a nice day.

Thank you for joining us.

Come back and see us soon. Bye now.

Fuck off and die.

Enjoy your stay.

Bye now, sir.

[saxophone ballad starts playing]

Marlene is looking for a few good men.

NARRATOR: In "Don't Go In the House Alone"....

WOMAN: That's funny.

This door should be locked.

[thunder roaring]

NARRATOR: She went in the house alone.

[door slams shut]

[high-pitched screaming]

NARRATOR: In "Don't Go In The Basement"....

WOMAN: That's strange.

This door should be locked.

She went in the basement.

[door slams shut]

[high-pitched screaming]

NARRATOR: In "Don't Answer The Door",

she answered the door.

WOMAN: One little mistake. Okay?

NARRATOR: In "Don't Go In The Woods",

she went in the woods.

NARRATOR: In "Don't Go To The Car",

she went in the car.

WOMAN: So what are you? Mr. Perfect?

[phone starts ringing]

NARRATOR: In "Don't Answer The Phone"....

[phone continues ringing]

WOMAN: Hello?

NARRATOR: [in disbelief] She answered the phone.

WOMAN: Hello? [inaudible shrieking]

WOMAN: Hi!

[voice on phone barking instructions]

WOMAN: Oh...

Oh I'm sorry.

NARRATOR: That's right.

The "Don't Girl" is back.

The dumbest movie heroine in history,

is walking through a dark house--

alone once again.

[high-pitched screaming]

[terrifying music begins playing]

[woman screaming]

WOMAN: It's not the same.

Do you happen to know a good cemetery around here?

Oh. Oh well. NARRATOR: That's right.

In "Don't Go In The Cemetery",

she went in the cemetery.

[thunder roaring] [suspenseful music playing]

NARRATOR: In "Don't Open The Bedroom Door"...

WOMAN: Don't this and don't that.

Don't you ever have anything positive to say?

[woman mimicking the narrator's voice] In "Don't You Ever Have Anything-

-Positive To Say"...

he never had anything positive to say.

You want me to open that door, don't you?

Well I'm not gonna,

because I don't wanna.

And you've got no movie.

I'm gonna open that door.

NARRATOR: Don't...

WOMAN: Oh you're just trying to fake me out,

because you want me to open the other door,

and I don't wanna open the other door.

NARRATOR: Okay have it your way.

But it's Friday. Don't say I didn't warn you.

WOMAN: [mockingly] What's that? A new movie title?

NARRATOR: Jason's back! [woman screaming loudly]

That's right.

Jason's back.

He's very old, but he's back.

And our "Don't Girl" has got him.

WOMAN: You jerk! You knew.

[terrifying music playing] [woman continuing to scream]

NARRATOR: Don't Scream on My Face.

Uh...excuse me mam.

It's "Miss".

What the heck do you think I'd be here for?

Joni. You can call me Joni.

Well Joni I am Bob Williams, News On The Go,

and I wonder if you might tell our viewers

how you feel about this sale.

Are you kidding?

I cashed in my CD, took a second on my condo,

and I only bought two sweaters in the last month.

Are you single?

[loud cheering]

Well why don't we follow this human interest story inside.

SPEAKER: Be still my heart.

Imagine having your very own plastic surgeon.

All right, girls. Settle down, settle down.

Are we ready for the next one? WOMEN: Yeah!

Hi uh....Joni?

Oh, hi.

Listen our viewers would be really interested

to know exactly why you're here.

Oh. Well listen, I've been waiting for a sale like this

all my life.

No offense, but I know

out there they're all gay or married.

Oh come on now. Aren't you exagerrating just a little bit?

You single?

SPEAKER: He's a lawyer! [women screaming in excitement]

He has his own practice!

I mean what's going on here?

Shh, shh. I want to hear this.

I don't get it.

SPEAKER: He drives a Mercedes! [women cheering]

And ladies, ladies!

It's paid for!

He works out three times a week.

JONI: Ten thousand dollars!

REPORTER: Drives a Mercedes?

Yeah. Yeah. Twelve thousand!

Works out three times a week?

Did they say what color the Mercedes was?

What? No I don't think so. REPORTER: You know Lance

is such a nice macho name. JONI: Yeah, yeah that's great.

Eighteen! Eighteen over here!

REPORTER: Can anyone bid? JONI: Yeah. I guess so.

REPORTER: Twenty thousand!

JONI: Shit.

[whistling]

[elevator dinging]

[ringing]

[woman unintelligibly making joke]

Hard day at the office, aye man?

[man laughing]

[elevator dinging]

All right stick 'em up!

[alarm ringing]

Hey mom. Dad home yet?

No not yet sweetheart.

But we do have company.

Oh, hi.

We're a typical American family.

And we'll be coming to you

every week in our new comedy T.V. show.

We believe in America and we believe in it's future.

Our dad works at the nuclear power plant next door.

[in unison] We're the Three Mile Island People!

Hi Kids!

Hi Dad! [radioactive buzzing]

Oh. How was work, dear?

Oh the usual.

[lips smooching] [radioactive buzzing]

Dad, my batteries are dead again.

Well let me have a look-sie, son.

Gee. Thanks Dad.

[radioactive buzzing]

Mom, Billy's overcooked dinner again.

Oh hey.

[laughing] Come on aye.

What do you say we all go out for dinner tonight?

SON: All right! FATHER: I'm sure these nice folks

will understand. [laughing]

Hey where's little Terry?

Hiding again.

Oooh that kiddo. [children laughing]

Hiding is he.

Do you think we can find him?

Come out, come out whereever you are.

Here we come...

Terry?

Where are you Terry?

[family chanting] Terry?

Well where oh where

could our little Terry be, huh?

Are you in there Terry?

There you are! [family cheering]

Why didn't you answer me, son?

Cat got your tongue?

Alright kids.

C'mon. Let's say goodbye to the nice people for now.

Yes.

So won't you join and Dad and I

and our typical American family of 2.5 children

when we come see you this Fall

on our new show...

-[in unison] -Three Mile Island People!

[emergency sirens ringing]

Whoops.

I guess there's been another

little accident down at the plant again.

Oh...there's goes the electric.

You know, I think it's a darn good thing

we're going out to dinner tonight.

-Right you are. -[family laughing]

Do you know me?

Well...you probably don't recognize me like this.

Often when I go places,

people don't realize who I am.

I guess it's because they're used to seeing me in a....

shall we say...

different atmosphere.

So that's why, when I travel...

I carry the only identification that I ever need.

-[rapid-fire typing] -NARRATOR: Marilyn Chambers.

Don't leave home without her.

[nightclub music playing] -Can't.

-Why? -I don't why.

I just can't.

Will you go talk to her?

What do you think she's here for?

Oh gosh!

She's so incredible!

Did you see what she did?

Are you going over the edge?

Just go talk to her.

Look you're a nice guy Larry.

She's just a girl.

She's here to meet someone like you.

-You really think so? -Yes!

No I'll go over there and my jaw lock,

then she'll laugh at me.

I don't want to get shot down.

Hey Mr. Confidence, you see what you're doing?

There is a perfectly nice girl looking to meet someone.

Why not you?

Let's get out of here.

-Here's your chance. -I don't think so, Phil.

Hey, Larry...

woman love shy guys.

Just be yourself.

What's the worst thing that could happen, huh?

That she might not be interested in you?

So who's going to know?

Right?

Do you want to spend the rest of your life wondering...

...if this could've been the big one?

-I don't think so. -I don't.

-Right. -Alright.

That's my guy.

She wants to meet someone just like you.

You've got nothing to lose.

You'll probably never see her again.

-Aye? -[Larry laughing]

Just keep telling yourself,

what is the worst thing that she can say?

-Do it. -Alright.

-[Larry internally hearing Phil's voice] -What is the worst thing that she can say?

-Did you say something? -Huh?

Oh. Hi. [Larry laughing uncomfortably]

Can I buy you a drink?

-Can you buy me a drink? -Yeah.

[woman laughing uncontrollably]

-It's a joke, right? -[Larry nervously laughing]

Tell me. This is a joke, right?

[both laughing]

You? You and me?

You're a nothing.

No one will want to go out with you.

And that is one of the worst lines I've ever heard.

Can you believe this guy?

This guy here just laid the oldest lie in the world on me.

No come back here.

Look at him. Look at him.

Would I go out with this guy? This nerd?

I mean look at this shirt.

Have you ever seen anything like this shirt?

I mean...I can't...

Oh the shoes. Classics baby.

I mean look at him.

You have given me a new meaning

in the word...jerk.

What are you?

Some sort of a squirrel? [voice facing away]

NARRATOR: He came to us from another planet.

[spaceship noises]

He brought with him wisdom beyond his years.

He came to us from another planet

in this sci-fi spectacular.

He brought with him the thrilling answer

to the age-old question--

How many pole locks does it take

to screw in a lightbulb?

[ladder screeching]

He came to us from another planet.

He is--

"Alienski"...

Coming soon to a theater near you.

Well how does it feel to have a big TV star watching, huh?

Tonight we'll do it.

My place, alright?

I'll tell you what. I'll dress up like Judy Garland,

and you'll play the rainbow. Oh it'll be--

[man gets interrupted] -Yeah?

Okay hi sports fans

and welcome to Lar's World of Sports.

Cheerleaders. Such an intrical part

of today's athletic scene.

Well I'm really pleased to have with me,

as my co-commentator today, a sports legend.

Now he's just joined our large world of sports

broadcasting team.

He's the lean machine himself--

Michael Mohammed Jones.

Well I see that he's...

he's over here.

Probably me and you can have a cup of coffee and...

Listen she's not into that sort of stuff, okay?

Well Mohammed,

I'm really looking forward to you giving our viewers

the athlete's inside point of view.

Yes Frank.

Well Mohammed, you were probably wondering,

what the folks thought

when our cable network announced

that we were gonna give the sports fans

a 24-hour, 7-day a week home.

You probably thought what the

heck kind of sporting event can we find a show at

five or six o'clock in the morning?

Yes Frank.

Well how about our one-of-a-kind

"Large World of Sports Exclusive Championship"?

That's right. The Northern Indiana

Regional Final Championship Pencil Sharp-Off.

That will eat your heart out. We've got this one.

And you know Mohammed,

I wouldn't be surprised

if we didn't see a record or two fall right here today.

[uplifting music playing]

As an athlete...

I know the rigorous training

can all boil down to...

that split second of timing.

[accidently reading teleprompter] Show pencil.

[pencil sharpening sounds]

I know that looked easy, but I'm a professional athlete.

One of our three finalists from today's exciting competition

is a young secretary by the name of Melanie Williams.

Melanie, welcome to Athlete's Corner.

Thanks Frank.

I think my chances are excellent.

I've been training hard, and...

my opponents, well...

I mean, Ron's a butcher.

You mean he ruins pencils?

No, I mean he's a "butcher".

He's used to those fat, flat pencils

he writes with on brown paper.

There's no way he can make the adjustment to number two's.

What about Eddie?

Eddie, yeah...

well Eddie can be tough,

I mean with the advantage and all.

Advantage? What do you mean?

Oh come on now, Frank.

Everybody knows.

They're just natural pencil sharpeners.

Oh.

Well how come you're not out warming up with the others?

And take a chance with breaking a nail?

[referee whistling]

Well...but I'm not finished with my probing analysis.

Gotta go, Frank.

You know us jocks when we hear the whistle.

Yeah but what's your favorite book?

Do you like Chinese food? Honda Civics?

How do you feel about Honda Civics?

Well the moment has arrived.

It's play ball.

It's kick-off time.

The cheerleader is going crazy.

Boy you can just feel the excitement build here.

Oh my gosh look at that.

The fans are going into a wave.

[gun fires to start]

Eddie looks like he's broken into the lead

Melanie is right behind,

and Ron seems to be struggling.

It looks like... It looks like...

Eddie's gonna be declared the winner.

But wait a minute,

his lead is broken and Melanie will be declared the winner.

Congratulations, Melanie.

Can you give any advice to our young fans?

Get a cheap boss like mine.

I mean why should you have an electic pencil sharpener?

Well let's take another look at that winning turn.

[slow motion sharpening sounds]

We've been a witness today to one of those

rare, magical moments in the world of sports.

Like Secretariat in the Preakness or Derby,

a secretary was victorious here today.

Well be with us next week on "Large World of Sport" when

we'll be presenting

a world premiere new sport

never before seen anywhere--

"Team Pencil Sharpening".

[elegant music playing] Good evening.

And thank you for joining us on "Greek Moments".

Tonight we are pleased to present--

"Greek Moments in Polish History".

[female voice behind camera] -Mr. Carradine?

Mr. Carradine, there's nothing here.

Thank you for joining us.

Next time we'll have the pleasure of viewing

"Greek Moments In--" -[voice fading]

Boy...

That new secretary of Howard's is really something.

I wonder if she'd be interested

in an upwardly, mobile, young exec

with a new white Porsche.

That new friend of Howard sure is cute.

Wonder if he's upwardly mobile and drives a Porsche.

Oh my god she's walking this way.

What am I gonna say?

Yuck. Dandruff.

Disgusting.

Wonder what happened?

Maybe she noticed my...

slight dandruff problem.

This stuff's great!

No more flakes.

His hair looks terrific.

No disgusting snowstorm at all.

[male voice in background] -Phil boy, catch.

Yuck. B.O.

Phew.

It's getting harder and harder

to remain a virgin.

Ever since the abortion,

Donald has turned his lustful eyes

towards my second cousin, Rhonda.

Rhonda of course is only using him

for the four or five times a week he can perform.

Her real nymphomaniacal design's falling upon Ramon.

The poor, but mammothly endowed

wet-stained, illegal alien stable boy,

who she blackmails.

Threatening to turn him over to her identical twin sister Sheila,

a porno star and part-time immigration agent,

in order to fulfill her passionate needs of

twenty one times per week.

Of course, we're really talking sixteen or seventeen for Ramon here,

depending on Donald's minimal performance level.

Sheila, for her part,

Having just completed

the new "Super Aid International Sex Talkie..."

"...Lust Be A Lady Tonight",

can't seem to decide between becoming a nun

and starting an incestous affair with Seth,

the neighborhood resident, surfing/tennis-pro stud,

who mysteriously appeared one day of unknown parentage,

and apparently impregnated Stephanie,

Sheila's, but not Rhonda's,

promiscous young nymphet/half step-sister,

who blames Donald for raping her, but...

can't be sure if he was capable

because it might have been a week Rhonda used him up.

Of course...

none of this can save Rhonda's marriage, or...

help Seth overcome his tortured past,

as Donald returns to the rehab center for his chemical addiction.

Donald has the tortured past...

Seth, the chemical addiction?

[scribbling in book]

Both Donald and Seth,

and for unknown reasons Ramon,

are going to stay with Stephanie

until she has the baby,

hoping she doesn't lose it like the last two.

And Stephanie has gallantly vowed to do it to the last minute,

which delights Sheila, not Rhonda no end,

since her repressed, laden tendencies

nurtured in prison have recently rekindled upon...

learning of Stephanie's affinity for velcro.

And what of me?

Well...

As the twins know...

the passionate glances and hopeful gropings

will never be consummated,

for Donald is being written out.

[organ music playing]

I do take some hope though,

that I will at last find my true love in Donald.

[suspenseful organ music playing]

[bed shaking]

If Rhonda doesn't use him up. -[organ outro playing]

NARRATOR: Attractive young people doing

disgusting things.

"Confessions of Marjorie",

a daytime drama.

It's getting harder and harder to remain a virgin.

Can you tell which one of us

is the mother and which one's the daughter?

People say we look so much alike,

they can't tell us apart.

Especially our hands.

We've been using the same dishwashing liquid

in our family for over

twenty years.

That's why our hands look so young

and people can't tell us apart.

Can you tell which one of us is the mother

and which one is the daughter?

Oh mama this is silly.

Show them your hands, darlin'.

We just don't have anything in common anymore.

So they moved Ross up,

and now I have to contend with him,

and I have to report to the overbearing jerk.

I've got this new boss. -[bangs fist on table]

I type eighty words a minute.

I could probably do ninety-five if he'd keep his hands to himself.

So this guy, he comes up to me and he says,

[man laughing]

Charlie...

you hear the one about the antelope?

[man barely containing laugh]

Extra horn?

[laughing hysterically]

This antelope has an extra horn.

[laughing hysterically]

I'm sorry pal. I'm afraid you're gonna have to leave.

[slow dance music playing]

[teenage girl sighing]

NARRATOR: You first saw her as the

sex-starved, torrid, virginal, rejected, teenage girl

at a bar mitzvah.

Who is forced to console herself

with the Norman Pumpernickel Choir

in the motion picture,

"I Carried A Torch...

"...For Sammy Schwartz".

[boing sound effect]

Next, she blazed across your screen

as the sex-starved, torrid, virginal, teenage track star.

BAMBI: I won!

I'm gonna lay down.

NARRATOR: In the now classic film, "I Was A Teenage Olympic Event".

And now, you've heard of America's favorite

sex star torrid virgin, Bambi Juliet

in the epic "Teen-age French Stewardess Nurse..."

[sign slapping on board] "...Babysitter".

No expense has been spared to bring you

scenes of epic proportions.

You will hear Bambi

just before she takes on the entire Lithuanian army

utter the classic line....

BAMBI: I have never done anything like this before.

[boinging sound effect]

NARRATOR: No expense has been spared to bring you

girls of epic proportions.

The Harry Brothers of Chicago...

formerly of Brooklyn...

proudly bring you each and every one

a certified virgin and lesbian.

BAMBI: I've never done anything like this before.

NARRATOR: That's right.

No expense has been spared

to bring you Bambi Juliet,

America's favorite sex star torrid virgin,

in scenes with men of epic proportions.

[Bambi in muffled voice]

NARRATOR: Make sure to see

"Teen-age French Stewardess Nurse..."

-[random whispered voice] Babysitter. -NARRATOR: "...Babysitter"

And on the same bill...

"Cheerleaders in Chains"

or "Debbie Does The Entire State of Ohio".

DEBBIE: Go team go!

NARRATOR: And at a theater near you...

MAN 1: I love your scarf.

MAN 2: Thank you.

NARRATOR: The Harry Brothers of San Francisco

brings you the world's first boy sparkler

"Mothballs...Isn't It Time They Came Out Of The Closet?"

MAN 2: I love your sash.

MAN 1: Thank you.

NARRATOR: Finally the long awaited sequel

"La Cage Aux Folles III... or Take This Gown And Shove It".

[slow piano music playing]

[telephone ringing]

SHERRY: Hello?

MAN: [over phone] Honey is that you?

Sherry?

SHERRY: Hi baby.

SHERRY: [over phone] You in Cleveland?

MAN: No I'm around the corner.

SHERRY: You're where?

MAN: Cleveland. I just got in.

SHERRY: Poor baby.

Did you have a long flight? -MAN: No, no, no, no.

I did some good work for that meeting tomorrow.

I sure am gonna miss you, babe.

I know how you hate sleeping alone. SHERRY: Yeah. Hate it.

MAN: Listen I think I have a great angle on this client.

SHERRY: [in seductive tone] Yeah. Great angle.

MAN: This guy is so right for this

fourteen percent plan I've been working on.

It's incredible.

NARRATOR: Long Distance.

The next best thing to being there?

You know what comes between me and my Malvin's?

Tommy...

John...

and Steve...

um...Peter...

-[tense orchestral music playing] -[man screaming]

[inaudible shouting]

FRITZ #2: Why do you always get to be the bad Nazi?

You said on the next American shrine that

I could be the bad Nazi.

FRITZ #1: I lied to you.

FRITZ #2: You lied to me. I would never lie to you.

FRITZ# 1: Don't you see,

this is what makes me such a "good-bad Nazi".

You are a "good-good Nazi".

Me, I'm a "bad-good Nazi".

After all, that's what makes... [phrase in German]

FRITZ #2: I see your point. I suppose.

FRITZ #1: Lieutenant Frank Johnson.

FRANK: My name is Frank Johnson.

FRITZ #1: You will get nothing to eat!

FRANK: Lieutenant Second-Class--

FRITZ #1: You will get nothing to sleep!

Not a bed will you get!

Things will get so bad, we will..

call out your family late at night with a funny phone call!

FRANK: My name is Frank Johnson--

FRITZ #1: I know you're Frank Johnson!

I'm Fritz! He's Fritz! You're Fritz!

[uttering German] I will murder you!

I will strangle you! Hold me back!

FRITZ #2: Come over here. I will hold you over here.

FRITZ #1: Hold me back Fritz!

I want to take a little tweezer

and just tweeze his chest hairs one-by-one.

FRITZ #2: No that only works with jewels.

People from Nebraska have no chest hairs.

FRITZ #1: You learn something new everyday.

FRITZ #2: Every night you mean.

I...I do not know how much

longer I can continue to control him.

He wants to torture you very badly.

Maybe you and I can work something out.

I will see to it that you are taken care of.

I can get you Tootsie rolls.

I can get you nylon stockings.

-FRANK: [chuckles] Wait a minute!

I saw that movie!

It's the old "bad Nazi/good Nazi" routine!

FRITZ #2: No, no, no, no....

FRANK: I'm Victor Mature.

You know Victor Mature never talked either.

Hey Fritz...the tootsie rolls?

That was great. That was very convincing

FRITZ #1: This is one tough cookie

that we have here from Nebraska.

FRITZ #2: Yes he's got nice legs too.

FRITZ #1: You noticed?

FRITZ #2: It's a bit of a hobby of mine.

FRITZ #1: To work we go.

FRITZ #2: I bet you in this case I can be a much better

Nazi than you can.

FRITZ #1: [laughing hysterically] I laugh.

You? You the one who bet on the Bismarck?

If you're the worst Nazi we've got,

then we are going to lose this war.

[laughing] -FRITZ #2: May I try?

[imitating Fritz #1] So, Frank Johnson...

I am a ruthless man.

I am a desparate man.

I have no time for your Yankee American shenanigans!

FRANK: It's not bad for starts. What do you think, Fritz?

FRITZ #1: I don't know him. FRITZ #2: You will give me information

on talk movements.

I will want information concerning

air strengths.

I want information concerning

all of your little boats.

Your little boats.

All of them smaller than the Bismarck.

And I want information concerning the new Shirley Temple movie.

FRANK: No Shirley Temple information. That is strictly confidential.

FRITZ #2: No!

I'll give you the boat and the tubes for a little Shirley Temple info.

C'mon who is she dating? -FRANK: Nope.

FRITZ #2: Is she seeing Mickey McGuire?

FRITZ #1: You're wasting time. I mean he's terrible.

FRITZ #2: You will talk! You will talk now!

FRANK: Okay, okay! Okay, okay.

I give up.

My name is Frank Johnson.

Lieutenant Second Class, Nebraska Air Force -[both Fritzses groaning]

Go Big Red!

FRITZ #2: I don't want to hear about your Air Force!

We have our own Air Force.

Have you never heard of Red Baron?

FRITZ #1: Why are you saying that?

That's from the other war. The one that came first.

FRANK: Somebody hasn't done their homework.

Oh...okay, okay boys.

Come here, come here, come here. Come here, come here.

Come here.

Look...

so you're a lousy "bad nazi".

Well Fritz here wasn't exactly Eichmann, you know.

FRITZ #1: Very funny flyboy.

But you try being Adolf Eichmann in a drop of a hat.

FRITZ #2: Yeah flyboy. You think it's easy to be hard?

FRITZ #1: Now wait a second. Don't call him flyboy.

You're screwing him up now.

He's flyboy, but I call him this way.

FRITZ #2: I'm sorry. I'm sorry i didn't realize.

FRITZ #1: You can call him something, like a--

like a Yankee pig or dog. Go ahead, kid.

FRITZ #2: You-- FRANK: Wait a minute!

I don't see what's so hard about this whole thing.

I mean really.

Let me try.

FRITZ #2: Oh you want to try.

Fine. If you think you can do a much better job

interrogating the Nazis, be our guest.

FRITZ #1: Everybody's a Nazi. FRITZ #2: That's the truth.

FRANK: [imitating a Nazi] You German swine pig!

Sandy...

Andy...

and Tim...

Eric...

Scott...

and Joey...

Daddy, daddy, woop, woop, woop!

Daddy, daddy, woop, woop, woop!

Daddy, daddy, woop, woop, woop!

Daddy, daddy, woop, woop, woop!

[child banging drum] -NARRATOR: We know you love him.

It's just that sometimes, let's face it.

The kid can get on your nerves.

Well now, we've got the answer.

Weaver Sisters Laboratories has the solution to all your problems--

Quaaludes for kids!

That's right. Quaaludes for kids

will guarantee you that peace and quiet you need

after a hard day at the office.

Quaaludes for kids,

shaped like mythical beasts.

Hey wow, dad.

Like let me know if I'm in your way, okay?

[slow piano ballad playing]

[internal monologue] ♪ I can't believe it's over ♪

♪ You mean the magic's gone ♪

♪ After all the many good times, ♪

you've left me all alone.

♪ We both have had other lovers ♪

♪ It's true, but... ♪

♪ I've never let anyone beat me, ♪

♪ but you. ♪

♪ Give me pain ♪ [background voices singing]

♪ Throw me out in the rain ♪

♪ Tell me where did I fail ♪

♪ Better yet... ♪

♪ ...make it hail ♪

♪ There could have been others by the flood ♪

♪ But you're the only one ♪

♪ I let draw blood. ♪

[internal monologue] ♪ And all the leather evenings ♪

♪ Hot coals from the chimney place ♪

♪ No more the iron chair ♪

♪ You bring misery on my face ♪

♪ Will someone else allowed ♪

♪ Your handsome tattoo ♪

[imitating being slapped]

♪ I never let anyone beat me... ♪

♪ ..but you ♪

♪ Tell me why ♪

♪ There's no new welts on my thigh ♪

♪ You must have left before dawn ♪

♪ My visitors haven't come. They are gone. ♪

♪ No more blurbs, I'm yours to correct ♪

♪ No more marriage sponsored by Gillette ♪

♪ I can't believe it's over ♪

♪ I guess it's really true ♪

♪ I have to face the fact ♪

♪ My favorite collar went with you ♪

♪ Our black and blue anniversary ♪

♪ Was coming due ♪

♪ I never let anyone beat me ♪

♪ How about on the floor with your rake ♪

♪ Just for old time's sake ♪

♪ No, no ♪

♪ I never let anyone beat me ♪

♪ But.. ♪

♪ ...you ♪

[werewolf howling] [door opening]

After the first five thousands years or so,

one has to alter one's taste a bit

to maintain one's figure.

Of course I still want great taste

even if it is less filling.

That's why I drink light blood from Iller.

All the great taste I'm used to,

at less than half the corpses.

NARRATOR: Light Blood from Iller.

Everything that you've always wanted from your blood--

--and less.

[Dracula laughing] -Of course,

I only recommend it as a dietary supplement.

[Dracula breathing]

[telephone ringing]

[in Spanish] -Hola!

No encanta.

[hanging up phone]

[telephone ringing]

[in Spanish] -Hola!

Quien is this?

No en casa. [hanging up phone]

[vacuum sounds] -Maria?

-Hey Mrs. Tony. -My husband said you hung up on him.

-[in Spanish] Que? -My hus--

[turns off the vacuum]

My husband...

Mr. John? Telephone?

Si! Mr. John!

[in Spanish] Hola! Quien is this?

Mr. John?

Mr. John no en casa.

That is very good, Maria.

[in Spanish] Bueno. Now ahora.

Mr. John y yo go on vacation now, okay?

Si! Dos semanas!

Two weeks, right.

I hope...

[in Spanish] Mr. John y usted un bien tiempo.

And don't worry.

Thank you Maria.

When telephone ring,

no only--

no only--

[in Spanish] No solamente dice

No en casa.

[in broken Spanish] -Hablar must con la people.

Si, Mrs.

Me talk?

Si, yes.

[telephone ringing]

[in Spanish] Hola!

Quien is this?

Quien?

Mr. Smith?

Oh, si.

Oh no. No en casa.

Nobody en casa.

Two weeks.

[in Spanish] Oh, si.

Hay muchas televisions

y videos tambien.

Gracias.

You are very nice too.

Car?

[in Spanish] Coche?

Oh, si.

El car en casa.

Oh, si.

[in Spanish] Es muy beautiful y new.

Jaguar.

[cavemen making noises]

[cavemen barking in delight]

[hollow banging on head]

[elephant roaring]

LONE CAVEMAN: Headache. [cavemen group agreeing]

[cavemen making noises]

[bell ringing]

[caveman sounding exasperated]

[wild animal roaring]

[cavemen barking in delight]

Excedra!

[in unison] Excedra?

Whoa!

NARRATOR: Excedra.

When the future of mankind depends on it.

[light-hearted music playing] -I'll be just fine

Going for a little walk.

[door shuts abruptly] [sinister music playing]

[light-hearted music playing]

[sinister music playing]

[light-hearted music playing]

[sinister music playing]

[light-hearted and sinister music alternating]

You guys this is so cool!

[light-hearted music playing]

[sinister music playing]

[door squeaking]

Guys?

You there?

My god.

[door creaking open] -Hi Missy.

Ronnie I can't now. I'm busy.

[door creaking closed]

[love ballad playing]

[door creaking open]

You guys this is so cool!

I keep hearing spooky music and seeing shadows and stuff.

That's nice.

And now it's Nate, Missy.

[sinister music playing]

[knife clanking to floor]

[light-hearted and sinister music alternating]

[axe clanking to floor]

[door squeaking open]

[door squeaking open]

You guys?

You in here?

You guys.

[Missy screaming]

[glass shattering] [Missy screaming]

[shirt ripping open] [Missy screaming]

[Missy screaming louder]

NARRATOR: First you saw Halloween,

then Friday The 13th,

New Year's Evil,

thought we ran out of holidays, didn't you?

Well now, Metro Warner Fox

and Sophie Feinstein bring you

The Hanukah

Horror.

[sad lounge music playing]

It was one of those muggy,

smog-filled LA nights.

I was just about to catch

a great double bill when the call came.

Some kid named Missy

had just about bought the big one

when my friend Ezra Birnbaum

was calling in a favor.

Well I guess a double bill will be there tomorrow.

Candy stripers and bondage and

prison, and poker too.

Anyway it was an intriguing little case.

It all seemed to be coming together

at the high school gym during the Hanukkah hop.

Oh by the way,

the name's Rosenblume...

Irving, private eye.

Ezra's band was pretty successful

with their first album this year called

"Guilt".

Not really my cup of tea

but the kids seemed to go for it.

I prefer something you can

waltz or crawl around the floor to.

I'd forgotten about the rabbi bit.

Feingolds only do kosher concerts.

[man speaking in Yiddish]

Ladies...

Gentleman...

Ezra and the Four Feingolds!

[crowd cheering]

[man speaking Yiddish]

I figured they would go for their big hit

"Disco Horror".

I guess they'll plug in the new album

"More Guilt".

[light piano playing] -FAN: Oh Ezra, I love you Ezra!

Dames.

It's the curse we carry, guys like Ezra and me.

Guess they're attracted to the danger

or the music.

Or the dangerous music.

♪ Cold lady's tears in your eyes ♪

♪ Lost lady tired here I'll try ♪

♪ To love her completely ♪

♪ We know you did fine ♪

♪ But you're all alone ♪

♪ And she's not there tonight ♪

♪ You'll have to live with the hurt ♪

♪ even though she promised to convert ♪

♪ You should have listened ♪

♪ And your heart she did destroy ♪

Excuse me, are you Mr. Rosenblume?

Yeah kid.

[woman screaming in excitement]

Guy can tear your heart out

in a song like this.

♪ so what if she left you ♪

♪ don't let your heart droop ♪

♪ mom always told you ♪

♪ a shiksa can be washed away ♪

♪ with soup ♪

[woman screaming in excitement]

What can I do for you, kid?

Oh Mr. Rosenblume

someone tried to kill Missy

that's my very best friend in the whole wide world,

and she told me all about it

and it could be the same person

that killed Arlene, of course we don't really care that much about her

because she can't even do the jumpsplits.

Is my hair alright?

Yeah kid.

A good gumshoe has got to be perceptive.

Sometimes, you even gotta take a shot

at a tough observation.

You a cheerleader?

Of course.

Well then Missy,

for no reason at all,

just as she was telling me that he ripped open her blouse

and was getting so exciting,

ran out of the room, down the hall,

out the door, and into the cemetery.

I mean it's strange

to have a cemetery right next to your high school.

There's all those dead people in it, but..

who wants to run into a place like that on a spooky night like this?

That kid is the stuff horror films are made of.

Well I suppose.

But now I'll never know if he touched her breasts.

[spooky music playing]

NARRATOR: Wondering about Missy

or the black-clad stranger?

Is it true that Jenny did the splitjumps for Irving in private?

What about the Feingolds?

Can the stranger finally adjust Missy's chest?

And who is this mysterious oriental?

Missy, the stranger, the cemetery..

necrophilia?

The answer...the sequel...

"Mezuzah Massacre".

[background singing]

Do you recognize that voice?

Do you want to hear another?

♪ Night La--- ♪ [singing abruptly stops]

♪ Night lady ♪

That's right.

The great one.

And if you act quickly for only $17.95,

you can hear hits like this.

♪ If ever I would... ♪

[singer hiccupping]

♪ leave you ♪

That's right.

You get all the hits of Mr. Style.

You'll get "By The Time I--

[man hiccupping] ...Get To Phoenix".

"If Ever I Should--

[man hiccupping] ...Leave You".

"I... [man hiccupping] Write The Tunes".

[man clearing throat]

Songs.

They're all here. All your favorites.

On Dino Dante's greatest hits.

For even as a child, they knew he had that

special something.

Can I-- [boy hiccuping]

borrow your bike?

It's the album you've been waiting for:

"Dino Dante's Greatest Hits".

[drum roll playing]

♪ Where have all the-- [man hiccuping]

♪ flowers gone ♪

[woman blowing raspberry]

[man laughing]

♪ Lonely as the-- -That's right.

Here too, Dino's classic:

"I'm a Hoe for the County".

Plus, if you act now,

you'll get Dino's killer new single:

"So What If She--" [man hiccupping]

"--Left You, Have Some--" [man hiccupping]

"--Soup."

Plus...

a can opener.

Marty, not here.

Oh come on Valerie. You're making me crazy.

I want you. I need you.

I want to explore the vast recesses of your mind.

[Valerie giggling]

That's not my mind.

Are you sure? We better look.

How about some music?

[slow piano ballad playing]

Gosh you look beautiful in the moonlight.

RANDALL [talking through radio]: One more button and we're home-free.

Searching to free itself from an unwanted restrictions

of an expensive, albeit not quite in-fashion sweater.

Oh no. A shattered embrace.

A fleeting glimpse of her bosom catches the moonlight

as she rebukes his advances.

Randall won't you shut up!

Who's Randall?

Who's the bimbo?

It's just the car. It's just a talking computer.

Who are you calling a bimbo?

And what was that crack about my sweater?

She's angry...

You bet I am, you jerk!

Violence, I love it! Rip her sweater off!

Sorry it's just a computer. Look I'll turn the engine off.

No don't.

If you do, I'll never get to see those

glorious breasts.

Glorious?

Luscious.

Mmm...luscious?

I guess there's no harm in a little peek.

A horny computer?

Oh Valerie...

Oh Valerie...

Go for the zipper.

Oh God!

Oh God!

[car A/C turning on]

Sorry.

I guess it's gotten a little warm in here.

I just got a call for an emergency meeting at the office.

And after last night, well...

sometimes there's just no time to put on fresh deodarant.

I have a busy life, and it's great,

and I don't worry if I have to skip a day.

You should, lady.

Big business meeting?

Who cares? My deodarant is working.

I feel confident!

[bodies dropping on floor]

Welcome to "Readings from Erotic Literature".

I am your host

Bob "Hung Like a Stallion" Willis.

And tonight it is my pleasure

to read an excerpt from a little paperback that has

given us a great deal of enjoyment.

"Jenny Jumps the Jungle", or

"How I Went from a Virginal Wasp Cheerleader.."

"...to Chewing on Friends".

Chapter Seven.

uh..Ten.

Sheila and Roger were finally alone...

[turns on tape player] [jungle noises in background]

Ever since they'd met on one of her

mercy flights through the Congo,

the thought of his warm, strapping body

and the smell of his fleshy manhood

filled her imagination.

And now, they were together.

Roger leaned back,

cooly dangling a cigarette from his lips.

The "I Know You Want to Grab my Dong" look

written all over his face.

Slowly, almost magnetically, they drew together.

His warm loins mingled with her fiery forest.

What's a loin?

[man instructing to shush]

How can I mingle my fiery forest with his loans

if I don't know what a loin is?

I mean I know what my fiery forest is, but--

Sheila!

That's a loin?

Oh sorry. What a funny name.

Of course I did know one guy who called his Theodore.

Teddy the rough rider?

[man clearing throat]

His warm loins mingled with her fiery forest.

Sheila slowly slid sensuously downward

her sinewy frame caressing his every pore.

Barely able to control her excitement--

Eh.

What do you mean "eh"?

What do you want a "wow"? It's an "eh".

An "eh" is an "eh".

Sheila, Rog-- -I don't have to take this!

Roger, please.

Well tell her to be nice!

Sheila be nice!

Sure. Sorry.

But this guy ain't exactly "Mammoth Marvin", you know.

Sheila!

I'll be nice.

Hello Theodore.

[sarcastically] Roger you have a magnificent--

loin.

Their love passion grew and rose to a fiery pitch

as Roger slipped his hand underneath her shirt

and revealed, fluidly, her breasts.

Awake with their own pertuberances

they were the most exciting pair that they ever beheld.

Eh.

Excuse me. Sorry kidding.

Firm, hard, round, tot,

words so inadequate to describe

the beautious glow exuding from her beckoning breasts.

Roger paused and thought

seeking just the right touch of eroticism

to fill the moment.

Nice tits.

Sheila responded with a warm glow.

How the fuck am I supposed to do that?

Sheila sweetie, watch your language please.

Their eyes met as they knew that it was the moment of magic.

Roger wants to beckon Sheila.

Roger cupped her left breast.

[clears throat] -HER left breast.

Sheila allowed her skirt to slide innocently downward to the floor.

Roger, ever on the alert, took this as a good sign.

Roger, his groping, gangling groin,

craving the bliss only inches away.

Sheila, virginal innocence, shrouding her own lustful designs.

Roger, hot, seeking release.

Sheila, thirsty-seeking.

They thrust together, their pelvic regions

welding into one grinding furnace.

frantically his probing phallus would penetrate and withdraw

mercifully again and again, frenetically, forcefully,

as they would relax.

Whoops.

I'm sorry I skipped ahead through just a couple of pages.

The pages were stuck together.

Yes, well...

Roger and Sheila,

ol' Rog and Sheila...

The time for them has arrived.

Barely able to control her excitement,

[Sheila moaning]

[clearing his throat]

Roger. -SHIELA: Roger...

Roger seemed to sink deeper,

sending ripples surging through her feline body.

Their love passion rose to a fiery pitch

until he was just ready to explode!

I'm not ready yet!

What?

He ain't ready yet.

Uh...

it's an awfully nice book.

The print is just the right size.

Not too big, not too small.

There's this guy

on the football team.

I mean he's real cute and everything, but--

I mean he comes on like a complete ladies man.

You know, major stud time.

Anyway, he asked me out,

and we had a nice time and all,

and we kind of wound up in the bedroom of his friend's apartment.

So here I am

about to go at it with a full ladies man.

King stud,

and guess what?

God's gift who always could--

couldn't.

Anyway, he was real upset but nice,

and he asked me to please not tell anyone.

And you know, spoil is wrap.

Well I said sure, hey I understood.

And then--

well--

I told two friends,

and they told two friends, and they told two friends,

and so on, and so on, and so on.

Billy now you eat your lunch, every bit of it.

-Oh, mom. -Every bit of it.

There are children starving in China.

Billy you have had enough

Oh mom.

You want to grow up to be a fat American?

Staying in shape is important to me.

I work hard at it.

I don't know about you, but I need a diet soda that's right for me.

And I finally found one.

No calories, no caffeine,

no saccharin, no sodium,

and no nutrisweet.

New, taste-free soda.

Mmmm, at last,

a diet soft drink that's right for me.

New, taste-free soda.

And it's not half bad if you add a little sugar.

You know, I've been here from the very start.

Shephard/Glenn--

they always were the regulation. They shoot, you know,

all this publicity.

I don't know what's so special about

the first black on the moon.

[loud music starts playing]

Jesus!

Yo! We did it!

Really nice!

I can't understand him? Can you understand him?

Turn down the music.

[music turned off]

[astronaut speaking unintelligibly]

I still can't understand him, can you understand him?

Shephard and Glenn, I could understand them.

[Astronaut speaking in slang]

Yo Houston! You relay?

Houston, do you read me.

[chuckling] Roger. We read you.

Yo Roger! What's happening?

What's going on with them Knicks?

He sends his greetings and would like to know

if the Knicks won or lost.

Oh yeah, he thinks your name is Roger.

Oh come on.

Theonus, we can't give you any news about the Knicks.

And my name is Charlie, roger?

Yo Mr. Charlie Roger!

You a Laker fan?

You are not scheduled to walk tonight.

What are you doing out of the shuttle?

[astronaut speaking in slang]

But I got some hush business to do with this crater

for my main man.

So give me five and alive.

I'll talk to you later, alligator.

Now what the devil did he say?

Something about a secret mission

and the craters.

Theonus you bumped the camera.

What is he doing? He's over by the spacecraft.

What is that rod that he's got in his hand?

Looks to me like a tire iron.

Well my broker says those d'aventures are a good thing.

Well my broker is E.R. Dutton, and he says--

NARRATOR: When E.R. Dutton talks--

We're here live

on location to show you the fabulous strength of new

Nazi Glue.

For years now, scientists

at our secret research laboratories

have been working to come up with this

startling new formula.

Excuse me sir.

-Yes? -Aren't you one of the

crack team of scientists

who perfected the stick-to-anything formula of

new Nazi glue? -Yes.

You heard it yourself

from a scientist.

Um, could you perhaps give me some help?

I don't touch the glue, man.

Oh.

Tired of serving the same old thing, dearie?

[loud grunt in background]

Can your hubby be a real

ogre around dinnertime? [husband grunts loudly]

Then you obviously haven't tried new Shake N' Cook.

Can I help?

Alright dearie.

Bring the bag over. Come on.

The nice people are waiting. Bring it over.

That's it.

New Shake N' Cook is so simple.

You just get yourself a large, strong, plastic bag

and them dump in the Shake N' Cook.

[child coughing]

Shut up or you'll be dessert.

Now dearie,

you'll have to be quiet if you want to help.

Can I help?

Now isn't--

Isn't that simple?

You just shake it up good

and then cook it up for about 35 minutes.

[child coughing] -Okay that'll do.

Into the oven, dearie. Darling?

Hansel!

There you go, dearie.

Moist and tender.

And I helped.

You've tried Shake N' Cook for chicken and pork.

Well now try new Shake N' Cook

for children.

Where's Gretel?

[woman whistling]

[slow ballad playing]

Okay cut! [slow ballad stops playing]

That's a wrap!

[crew applauding]

NARRATOR: We work hard.

I guess we all put in as hard a day as anyone.

The feeling's good,

and when it's over,

-Okay, Miller time! [crew cheering]

Okay ready on set.

NARRATOR: That's right.

It's Miller time.

-Gentlemen....Randi Miller.

NARRATOR: Time to relax.

That's Miller time.

[80's dance music playing]

Action!

Go Ron!

And cut!

Alright, cut.

Alright.

Sorry.

And cut!

Cut. Sorry.

Marking.

Action!

Go Rhines.

And cut! Ready.

[slow ballad playing]