Original subtitles

In tonight's Top Gear,

the Mick Jagger of supercars.

Our quest goes on to find Britain's fastest faith.

And The Stig sorts out TVR's new coupe.

Hello and a big yuletide welcome

to our festive edition of Top Gear.

As you can see, we spared every expense.

We've got a Christmas... twig.

And, erm,

some oranges and some nuts, and, er... oh!

A bauble.

No, no, I tell you what, I'll tell you what,

let's just forget about Christmas, shall we?

Let's talk about big, shiny 4X4s.

Now, they tend to be bought,

predominantly, by people who live in towns

so that when they go to the countryside

they think they'll blend.

Really?

This is the countryside.

It's a brown and gnarled place,

much like the people who live in it.

And these are the cars that rural people drive,

Wellington boots with wheels.

Muddy, broken things that are held together

with straw and dead pheasants.

It's... hard to blend here

unless you live here.

This is my off-road car.

It's a Toyota Land Cruiser Amazon.

And it's built to take on Africa and Australia,

so it has no problem at all

taking my children to school in the morning in Oxfordshire.

It has seven seats,

rough and tumble fixtures and fittings,

and there's a sense of invincibility about it.

When you drive this down a narrow road,

it's the other guy who backs up.

Now, you could use the Land Cruiser for a day's shooting,

but I don't recommend it.

It's not that it doesn't work off-road. It does. It's brilliant.

It just doesn't fit in with the scene somehow.

You see, shooting is a traditional sport

where the winner gets supper

and the loser goes hungry.

There's just you and your piece

and the stillness of the trees.

Smoke curls from an autumnal fire,

a gentle rain softens the edges.

And in this traditional scene,

the Land Cruiser's just too...

chintzy, somehow.

I mean, look, that is green.

And that's Toyota's idea of "green".

It just doesn't work.

The BMW X5 is also hopeless,

but for a different reason.

Yes, it's big and yes, it has four-wheel drive,

but that's the end of the story.

It doesn't even have off-road tyres,

and that's like coming out here

in a pair of Jimmy Choo pumps.

This car is Milli Vanilli...

looks good on paper, but actually it's just miming.

On even the gentlest of tracks, it gets stuck,

and the beater will drive by in his old Land Rover

laughing at you.

Even if you are the Marquis of Blandford.

Was that not perfect?

And how much is that Land Rover worth? 30 quid?

Okay, no, I'll be fair, £200 worth.

And that's, well, £50,000 worth and it's stuck.

- That's right. - Which is yours?

- Trooper. - Trooper.

- Trooper come by? - Might. Yeah.

Very strangely, that Land Rover is exactly the same age as me,

and is the only thing that's got up this...

I couldn't get up this hill!

It's lasted better than I have!

It went further than the BMW anyway.

Yeah, you've beaten the BMW by... 30 feet.

Oh, well, that's 30 feet less to walk.

Exactly.

So, what about the Jeep Grand Cherokee?

Surprisingly, for an American car, it's quite restrained.

It does blend in to the Oxfordshire backdrop,

and it is good at dealing with the rough stuff.

But, good though it may be out here,

it does have one or two problems.

It's quite agricultural-feeling.

I don't really mind that. I mean, it is an off-road car.

What I do mind is the ruching on the leather seats

and this hideous fake plastic wood.

It's also nowhere near as big on the inside

as you would imagine looking at it from the outside.

But the worst thing about this, the worst thing,

is that you've always got the sense

that you've bought second best.

The new Range Rover is £20,000 more than a Jeep.

These days it's more a luxury yacht than a car.

But don't worry.

It can still play rough.

Okay, look at this.

I flick this switch here

to engage the hill descent control.

Put it into neutral, engage low range.

Back into drive, and now...

I just point it at this

seemingly impossible slope here...

And now I'm gonna do something you might think is mad.

I'm gonna take my foot off the brake.

Okay?

That's astonishing.

I can feel the anti-lock brakes grabbing each of the wheels in turn,

making sure that we stay straight.

And that we continue to do a walking pace

all the way down the hill.

Now, of course, the X5 can do that as well.

The X5 also has a hill descent control.

It's something BMW stole while they were running Rover.

But what the X5 can't do

is turn round and go back up the slope.

See, it doesn't have a low-range gearbox.

It doesn't have locking diffs.

It doesn't have this thing's ground clearance

or wheel articulation.

It's not a proper off-road car.

And this just is.

There's something else, too.

A Range Rover looks good outside the Savoy.

But it looks even better out here.

Now, there was a time when Range Rovers.

WERE king off-the-road.

And they still have an air of invincibility about them,

but believe me,

you can still get these things stuck.

Really stuck.

See what I mean?

First to try and get it going was Lord Blandford.

Well, it was his garden.

He, however, made things worse.

So, next to try was one of the locals.

But his pick-up ended up in the lake.

I then decided to fetch my Land Cruiser,

but in my haste to get there,

I skidded off the track and ended up in a wood.

The thing is, if those saplings hadn't have been there...

...I would be very, very wet.

So, how do we get it out? Anyone got any thoughts?

Why are you laughing at me?

What did you say to me this morning, "This truck goes anywhere," you said.

It does go anywhere. Look, it's come here!

While we took a chainsaw

to the trees that were holding the Toyota in place,

a tractor turned up to get the Range Rover out.

But even that was having problems.

The is the trouble with filming in the countryside.

There's too much mud in it.

Eventually though all the cars were freed

and we could get back to the business of explaining

why the Range Rover is so good.

Look at this. Great slabs of real, sturdy timber

here and here and down the sides,

and hand-stitched leather and this foundry finish.

It's the best interior on any car anywhere ever, easily.

It's like being in the middle of a field

in a trendy restaurant in Notting Hill.

Except here, of course, the produce is fresher.

So, there we are.

If you really want to get about off-road,

get something old and knackered with narrow, knobbly tyres.

If, however, you want something for the weekend,

all the cars are equal,

but one is more equal than the others.

So, the only car not to get stuck there, then, was the Jeep?

- No, no, it got stuck as well. - But we didn't see it.

No, because the cameraman was driving it when it got stuck.

- Yeah, that would've done it. - Yeah.

So, the Range Rover emerged, you reckon as the best of all of those

despite being about £20,000 more than the Jeep?

Yes, I know, but the attention to detail on this thing is just amazing.

Let me, erm... let me show you, okay?

The steering wheel, okay, it's heated.

You push that button there and it warms up.

And even better, there's a little paraffin heater

down in one of the front wheel arches, okay,

and you can programme it on the computer here to come on,

say, at 6:00 if you're leaving for work at 7:00,

so when you get in it's nice and warm in here.

And... and I fear this may be

the most boring sentence

ever to be said on British television,

but it used to have a separate chassis, now it's a monocoque.

Yeah, and you know exactly what that means, I presume?

- Mean's it's less wobbly. - Okay.

But all this clever stuff, that's great

assuming it works,

because Range Rovers have not enjoyed the best of reputations.

I did some phoning around and I looked into this.

They did suffer a few problems.

- I mean, it was with stuff like the paintwork... - Mmm.

- ...erm, interior trim a bit rattly. - Mmm-hmm. Yeah.

- Engines, they can be a problem. - Yeah, the 4 litre.

- And the 4.6. - And the diesel.

- All the engines. - Yeah.

Gearboxes could be an issue.

- Automatics. - And the manuals.

- And the manuals, yeah. - Transfer boxes.

- The suspension, actually, as well. - Yeah.

- And all of the electronics. - Yeah.

- All a bit... you know? - Yeah.

I did actually have a word with Land Rover

about their reliability issue on this car.

And they said, "No, no, no, this one's built properly."

So I said, "Okay", right?

"Lend us one for six months," and they've agreed.

And if anything falls off or melts

or breaks in any way

we can murder the Managing Director's dog.

It's fair.

In front of his children.

- That's so fair. - No, really,

if this, for instance, gets a little bit loose,

little bit wobbly,

Frisky buys the farm.

Right. It's time now to look back on 2002

and announce our car of the year.

Okay, the nominations are...

The Range Rover, we've just seen it,

it is the king of off-roaders.

And the Mazda6.

The Japanese tried to take on the Germans and they succeeded.

It's a cracking car and very good value as well.

And then there's the Mini Cooper S.

It's the trendiest car in the world right now.

It's like driving around in a super-charged parka.

And the Audi RS 6.

It's fast in a straight line, fast round corners

and it's fast even when it's raining.

Right, have we missed anything?

Anybody got any more thoughts that we should have put on the...

- Maybach 62. - The what?

- Maybach 62. - The Maybach 62's a stupid car.

We're coming to that later. Anybody else?

The Vauxhall Vectra!

The Vauxhall Vectra?

The Vauxhall Vectra wouldn't be the best car

even if it was launched in 1984!

- And you really... - Jaguar XJ!

Jaguar XJ? That was launched this year, was it?

- Well... - Where are you from?

- Which part of the country... - Coventry.

Coventry.

They make the damn things there, have you not noticed them?

I'm afraid you're all way wide of the mark,

erm, as are in fact, the official.

European Car of the Year jury,

who voted in recently the Renault Megane!

Car of the Year!

Only if you do that.

So, our car of the year is...

We've got some gold envelopes. Ready?

It's the Range Rover.

The judges, and that would be us,

were impressed with its mono-thingy chassis,

its supplementary heater,

and the sheer Range Roveriness of it.

And the next one is for, erm,

this year's most pointless car.

Okay, and the short list here is...

The Mercedes Maybach.

It's a private jet that can't take off.

And then the Ford Fusion.

Don't be fooled by the ads, it is a Ford Fiesta in a hat.

And the Rover 75 long wheelbase.

Suitable only for the Mayor of Preston.

Right. Have we missed anything there or not?

- SL55 AMG. - SL55 AMG, you think, was a pointl-

You...

So, let's go to the actual winner,

which is...

It's the Ford Fusion, everybody!

Now, erm...

The judges were very impressed

with Ford's idleness on this one.

They knew that we all like Mini MPVs,

they knew they needed to make one,

and they couldn't be bothered.

Uh, next up, a very popular category here,

it's the "Weirdest Renault" category.

Okay, Weirdest Renault of the Year.

The nominees are as follows:

The Vel Satis. It's a businessman's car,

but only if your business is Enron.

The Mégane. A family car,

but only if your family is the Osbournes.

And the Avantime. It's a sporty coupé,

but only if you don't want a car that's sporty.

Or a coupé.

And the winner,

the weirdest Renault of the year is...

In true mad Renault style,

it's the Nissan Micra.

The judges noted that the designer

had plainly got too much ink in his pen.

Look at it! "Stop designing it, man!

Step away from the CAD-CAM unit.

You've finished!

That's enough details on one car!"

Now the big one.

Our "Surely You Don't Need The Money" award.

And the winner is...

Eddie Irvine for promoting this hose pipe here.

The man earned £6 million last year, £6 million,

but still thought it was a good idea

to put his physog on this box,

which is available in Woolworths for £79.99.

Now, we were going to make an award at this point

for the fastest car around our track,

which is the Radical,

with an amazing time of one minute, 19 seconds.

But, it seems that the Germans

have been monitoring our broadcasts.

And they got in touch and they said that

they've got a couple of cars which they think

could blitzkrieg our track.

This is the AS1.

It's powered by a bike engine,

the same Suzuki Hayabusa unit

that we saw in the Radical and in the Westfield.

It's, erm...

Where is it?

It's gone. Erm...

Well, wherever it is they've bored it out to 1.4 litres.

Now, that doesn't sound like much,

but the AS1 only weighs 600kg.

That's the same as my shoes.

So it SHOULD go like stink.

However, I'm more interested in that.

It looks like a normal Audi TT, with a few stickers on it.

And it has a normal Audi TT engine,

1.8 litres with a turbo charger.

Thing is, though, it's been tweaked a little bit,

so that it now develops 400bhp.

Now, that's the same as a Ferrari 360.

Now, in a normal TT, the engine drives

all four wheels.

But in this, the engine drives the front wheels.

The rear wheels are driven

by a little something in the boot.

Another 400hp engine!

It's got two engines!

800hp!

Obviously, I have to have a go!

That hurts!

Now let's see how it handles... ooh!

Corners are best taken with your eyes shut.

That's my tip.

Two engines. It's ridiculous.

Twice the fuel bills,

but, must be said, twice the fun.

Great!

But these cars must now face the acid test.

Bitte wilkommen sie, Das Stig!

And it's the AS1 first.

But it's got no stereo, so The Stig's in a bad mood.

Now, it may not look fast,

but it's got hardly any body roll at all.

Just look how flat it stays through the Hammerhead.

Right. We're coming up to the tyres now.

Boy, that is so fast.

Bit of flame there on the over-run

as it comes up to the last two corners.

Bit twitchy there, but he holds it,

into the last one and across the line.

Next, the mighty double-engined TT

which is fast on the straights,

but not so good in the corners.

And yet again no stereo.

The Stig's going to be very cross

as he comes into the Hammerhead.

Lost the radiator grille, by the looks of things.

A big, big burst of flame there

as he comes into the final corner

and he's really earned his Christmas bone.

Well done, the Germans, that was a very good effort.

So the times. Here is our power car laptime board.

And at the top, there's the British Radical

with an amazing 1:19.

Very, very good car.

So, let's see how the Germans did, okay?

First of all, the MTM Bimoto

with its two engines.

All very, very clever stuff from the Germans.

Er, time was 5 - 1.

No! That's not it; That's a score.

What made... that's the score.

- 19:45 was the time. - 19:66?

- No, no. - That's wrong again.

It's actually 1:28,

which is very, very good.

That puts it faster than a Lamborghini,

and about nine seconds slower than the British Radical.

There we are. So what about the AS1?

Very clever little car again from the Germans.

That managed it in at an impressive 1:29.

- Oh, dear. - Which is a very commendable effort.

Oh, dear.

Not as quick as the British Radical,

which remains the fastest car of the series

- at 1.19. - Great news.

Okay. Now, a couple of weeks ago,

we had a race on our track to find Britain's fastest faith.

And it was won by the Church of England.

Trouble is no Muslim took part

because when we filmed the item it was Ramadan.

And during Ramadan, Muslims are forbidden

from eating or taking part in any form of motor sport.

However, I'm delighted to say

that Ramadan is now over,

so we have a Muslim in the Top Gear base!

And not just a Muslim.

We also have a druid, and a Rastafarian,

and a Seventh-Day Adventist!

Welcome to you all.

Now...

You are enormous.

Frankly.

- What's your name? - Pastor Gary Gordon.

Pastor Gary Gordon. Good.

- And you live where? - Uh, Oxford.

What do you normally drive?

A Peugeot 1.9 diesel.

Did you have any idea what you were supposed to be doing today?

Er, some idea, yeah.

Well, you wouldn't be getting much practice

in your Peugeot diesel, that's for sure.

Okay, so you are, well, a Rastafarian, as a guess.

- Absolutely, yes. - Good, and what's your name?

- Levi. - What do you drive?

Er, work wise, I drive a Mondeo diesel.

Right. Another diesel engine.

- As interesting as the Peugeot. - Yep.

Do you do any motor sport?

I have dabbled, yes, this season.

I've been in the British Rally Championships.

- Oh, really? - Only in a showroom-class Polo, but uh...

It doesn't matter. You've been doing some serious motorsport.

- Left-hand drive. - You've had it.

You've all had it.

You've all had it. It's like the C of E guy.

He did a bit on the side, albeit in an MG,

- but he did a bit on the side. - Right.

And you, what's your name?

My name's Arthur Pendragon.

- Arthur Pen... what, King Arthur? - That's the one.

I thought he was a fictional character.

Erm, no, I'm not fictional,

- and nor's me sword. - Oh, right.

Okay, finally, at the end, you are?

- Tariq Naseem. - Tariq Naseem.

- And you live where? - West Sussex.

- And you drive what? - I've got a Skoda RS.

Skoda RS. Quick car!

Mind you, there is a little note I've got here

that you once took it to Paris,

- but you misread the speed signs? - I did.

You thought 130 kph...

- ...was miles an hour! - Yeah.

- Yeah. - Brilliant!

Okay, well, we're gonna find out

how you did on the track you did this morning.

Plainly, you kept the car in one piece

which is more than can be said for the bishop

who came here a couple of weeks ago.

- Never trust a bishop. - No, exactly.

And you? Keep off the grass!

We'll, er...

We'll see how you get on a little bit later.

Over the past few weeks we've been telling you about

some cracking deals on new cars.

Remember the Volkswagen Passat for under 11 grand?

Or the Fiat Stilo for £7,995?

Or best of all, a Ford Ka for £4,995.

I'll tell you, it's never been cheaper or easier to buy a new car.

And the net effect of that

is it's killing the value of second-hand ones.

In fact, at the bottom end of the market,

something like this, they're practically giving them away.

Here we are, first car of the day,

a little Citroen AX.

It's got less than 40,000 miles on the clock,

but because it's seven years old,

I can buy this car for around £1,300.

Now, this is Citroen AX Elation,

it's a limited edition.

It's based on the Début, so it's got the 1-litre engine,

which means it's cheap to insure,

but you also get a sunroof and you get metallic paint.

And you know when you look inside, it's gonna be nice. Yeah, look at that.

All the stereo, all the bits and pieces you'd expect.

And it's only done 39,000 miles.

This car is not even halfway through its life.

Couple of years ago, an AX of that age and mileage

would have cost you £2,000.

So, it's a steal.

Next, I look for a family car

and found this Nissan Primera for under a grand.

You get power steering,

you get electric windows,

you even get a factory sunroof.

Okay, it's done 98,000 miles,

but it's gonna be good for at least another 40,000 miles.

And you won't be investing in some weather-beaten banger either.

A careful checkof the paintwork

shows there's no tell-tale signs of accident damage repair.

The electric windows work fine

as does the tilt and slide sunroof.

And when you rev the engine from cold,

there's no nasty knocks or rattles.

All this for a grand?

Seems like a good deal to me.

But just how low can you go and still get some working wheels?

This man, Martin Gurdon,

wouldn't even spend £200 on a car.

This Nissan 300C cost him 100 quid.

It's got 135,000 miles on the clock,

but so far, it's given him a year's trouble-free motoring.

With a car like this, you need

- things like a strong battery. - Right.

Decent plug leads...

- Decent plugs. - Right.

I mean, electrical problems tend to be

- the bugbear of old, cheap cars. - Right.

- People have skimped on maintenance. - Yeah.

And you'll find that a simple car like this

will be intrinsically reliable if you look after it.

I mean, obviously, you're a convert to this kind of motoring.

I just think it's hilariously funny.

Why get a car with hire purchase

- and then watch it depreciate? - Sure.

I mean, all right, it's not something which is going to impress,

but with a little bit of thought,

it could be just as reliable as something

which is 10, 12 years younger.

And, you know, if somebody stuffs it, or it gets nicked...

- Yeah. - ...it breaks in a big way,

well, I throw it away and buy another one.

You do need to know what you're doing

if you're going in for 100-quid motoring.

But a little bit more will still get you a decent car.

This Vauxhall Astra CDi - it's got power steering,

electric mirrors,

and you even get a factory sunroof.

Look at this.

£450, and that's from a dealer.

If you were brave and went to an auction,

you might get it even cheaper.

But it's not an old nail.

For 90,000 miles, it's got some service history,

and a new MOT.

Plenty of life left in this.

One reason why you can pick up cars like this so cheaply

is that they've got time bombs in them.

By time bombs, I mean something that, if it goes wrong,

it'll cost you more than the car's worth to repair.

Modern cars have onboard computers

and if they crash, you've had it.

You'd be better off scrapping the car.

Some experts would say

avoid these time bombs.

But think about it.

Go in with your eyes wide open,

run a car like this for maybe a year or two,

it's cheap motoring.

And when it does go bang, don't cry.

Chuck it away, and get another one!

But, Jason, that Astra, it was 'orrible.

- It was 450 quid. - Yeah, true.

450 quid. Listen, I've got a 13-year-old Volvo,

it's done 160,000 miles, I paid 900 quid for it.

I've just put it through another MOT.

When it goes pop, I'll just chuck it away.

Yeah, but you're not gonna pull in any of these cars, are you?

I don't care. 450 quid for an Astra.

- That's what you pay for a service on a new car. - True.

Right, you can get through Christmas without an Astra.

But you can't get through without a spot of Bond. So here goes.

Do you ever get the feeling somebody doesn't like you?

- Did you see that? - What?

- That fish. - Yes?

How did the fish get into the car without Barbara Bach and Roger Moore drowning?

Good point, actually.

You see, I notice these things in films.

- If a hole's big enough for a fish to go in? - Water. Lots of it.

- Yeah. - Anyway, the point is, we showed that clip

because we wanted to demonstrate just how old the Lotus Esprit is. 27 years.

It's a quarter as old as the motorcar itself. And if you think about it,

it was launched at a time when Kipper ties were popular.

I did wonder about these. Yes, no, there's a very good reason for it.

Kipper ties - it went through that, it went through this one: '70s tie,

it did the "Wreckless Eric", Yeah.

It did the "Elvis Costello", and it's still going strong in today's Windsor knot.

- Interesting analogy. - I know, it's brilliant!

And I can't think of anything else from 1975 which looks even

half as good as this does today.

Just about the only thing

that's '70s about a Lotus Esprit today

is the price.

At £50,000, it's half as much as a Ferrari 360.

But don't think it's half the car.

It's kept up with the game

by constantly reinventing itself.

So today, instead of a 2.2 litre, four-cylinder engine,

it's got a 3-and-a-half litre V8,

with a couple of turbos.

Old-timer it may be,

but it can still put its fingers in its belt buckles

and head bang like when it was a teenager.

And it's not like watching your father dance either.

It's quite good at it.

The Esprit offers 266 bhp per ton,

and that's more than you get from a Mercedes SL55

or a Porsche 911 or even a Ferrari 456.

This is like North Korea,

small but with a big punch.

What this means

is that it'll do 0-60 in 4.8 seconds.

Flat out, it will hit 175 mph.

It's still a very, very fast car.

And not just in a straight line either.

Through the corners, it feels absolutely sublime.

There's a hint of understeer

to let you know that you're getting near the edge.

And then if you keep on pushing,

a glorious adrenaline rush as the tail slides wide.

It is beautifully balanced.

The one area where they really can't hide its age

is in here.

You have to remember, this car is from a time when man was living in trees,

hadn't really learned to walk upright.

So, you get a very simian driving position.

Over the years, they've tried to improve it

with a selection of different dashboards and different seats,

but that's like

rearranging the furniture in a small flat.

It's still a small flat.

A lack of space though is nothing

compared to this car's real Achilles' heel,

its gearbox.

Changing gear in a car like this

should be like stroking a recently washed dog,

but in this, it's like stroking a crocodile.

It's all notchy and scaly, and ugh.

Hopeless.

Almost ruins the whole car.

Almost, but not quite.

The fact is, I'm hugely fond of the Esprit.

Always have been

and I always will be.

So you love the Esprit. Great.

Thing is, for how long?

That's the big issue because the gearbox,

the thing that actually spoils it

is likely to be the thing that kills it.

Because they got it out of a Renault 25.

Renault stopped making that years and years ago.

And they're basically running out.

And the problem is, they can't just

make their own gearbox to put on the engine

'cause, well, I mean, how many do they sell a year?

- Half. - Exactly.

- It's gonna cost about a million quid if it were. - I know.

- And if that kills it, that's a real shame. - I know.

Because if you ask anybody of our sorts of ages

to draw a super car, THAT is what they'll draw.

I know. It is the perfect super car shape.

Do you know why? It's got pop-up headlamps.

- Yep. - I love pop-up headlamps.

When I was a kid, all I wanted was a car with pop-up...

- Anything as long as it did that. - "Dad, buy a car with pop-up-".

And do you know how many cars are made today with pop-up headlamps?

This and one other.

Anyone wanna guess what it is?

RX7?

RX7's not made today,

MX5 doesn't have pop-up headlamps any more.

Erm, Porsches don't do pop-up headlamps.

What?

- That's it! - The Ferrari 456!

He's got it, man from Coventry! He doesn't know where Jaguars are-

- Well done. - He knows his Ferraris.

Ferrari 456 is the only other one.

I think we should have more pop-up headlamps.

- Why don't they? Where have they gone? - I don't know.

They say... this is great.

They say it affects the aerodynamics?

Well, you shouldn't be driving that fast at night anyway.

- Exactly. - So, leave them as they are.

Bring them back.

Anyway, we've still got one thing left to do with this car, of course.

Unfurl The Stig.

When we asked The Stig to drive the Esprit,

he huffed and puffed and stomped about saying

he didn't like Lotuses very much.

I asked him why but he just stomped about a little bit more.

The only way we could get him inside

was by buying him a Moody Blues CD.

The thing about the Esprit is,

that it's not just fast in a straight line.

It's also balanced in the corners. Look at that!

The only thing that lets it down, really, is the brakes.

Not that he's using them.

Look at this, for the first time in six weeks,

the track is dry.

And he's coming round the last corner now,

beautifully held together, beautifully poised,

and ooh... across the line!

Right, and the time is...

- Ready? - Yep.

One minute 32, which is...

32? That's quicker than my car. Look.

That's a very, very good time.

And it was quicker than a whole load of serious stuff.

- There it goes. - And the thing was, it was dry track out there,

but it was minus 426 degrees

so it was quite slippery.

- Mmm. Chilly. - Now that's...

We should rejoice in it. That's an amazing time, actually.

- Aston, Ferrari, all of them. - Look at it. I know.

Bless it! And you see...

I know! Bless it!

When that thing goes out of production,

we are going to be properly, properly sad.

Right. The News.

And we thought this week we'd look at

- what to look forward to next year. - Yes.

'Cause although we're losing the Esprit,

there's quite a lot of super cars to get excited about.

Quite a lot's an understatement!

There's about half a million of them.

The best super car coming next year

has got to be this, the Porsche Carrera GT.

- Oh! - V10 engine,

again, £250,000, but just look at it!

That's just so beautiful.

That's the most beautiful car

I've seen in a very, very, very, very long time.

And the new Viper,

- which is the American equivalent of a sports car... - Yeah.

...in the same way I guess.

- George Bush is the equivalent of a president. - Yeah.

Yeah, exactly.

There it is. 8.3 litres,

500 horsepower, and that's not enough.

'Cause there's a new Bugatti coming out next year,

which has got 1,000 horsepower.

It's called the "Veryon". It has a thous...

I want to-how do you get 1,000 horsepower into a car?

You have to open the glove box, there'd be 40 horses in it.

Look, 36 in the ashtray,

a couple under... neigh!

Dobbins under the seat! Look at it.

1,000 horsepower. That is an astonishing amount of power.

You go from nought to the grave in four seconds.

I'm dead!

- I accelerated... - Straight up a tree!

- Dead! - And MARGINALLY closer to the real world

is the McLaren Mercedes SLR.

Only marginally. Now, I know it does look

a bit like an SL.

In fact, quite a lot like an SL from some angles,

but it's an entirely different car,

made largely from carbon fibre so it will be light.

It's got a supercharged V8 so it will be quick as well.

And it could be yours next year for £250,000.

Koenigsegg, yeah? A bit like the... oh, yeah.

A bit like the, erm, the SLR V8 supercharge

but this one's got more power.

This one's got 655 bhp.

And they reckon it's the fastest car in the world.

0-60 in 3.5 seconds,

240 mph top speed.

- 240? - How are you gonna do that?

- And it's Swedish? - Yeah.

You're not gonna do it in Sweden.

Slip!

There's always... you could do it here, do it on the M1.

Or the M40.

The M50's quite empty a lot of the time.

- You can do 240 there. - M32's good.

M27. Any else got any more ideas?

M5?

You can't go...

Don't be stupid! You can't go 240 on the M5!

- Don't be ridiculous! - Ridiculous.

The A59 though...

Where are we going now? Oh, I know, Ascari.

Yet another super car. We've actually got it in the studio.

This is the first one, okay?

Er, it's made in Banbury by a company called Ascari

which stands for Anglo-Scottish Car Industries.

Didn't know Banbury was Anglo-Scottish, but there we are.

Erm, it's got a 5 litre V8 engine

but they've asked me not to say where it's from.

- Secret. - It's a secret.

- Okay. - Fair enough.

BMW X5 we had in the studio earlier.

- Nice engines. - Yeah, nice engines. Very nice.

Anyway, erm, what can we say about it?

Well, the problem is, of course,

is there's a lot of British companies come along

and set themselves up, you know,

hoping to make these low volume sports cars.

- There was uh, Lea-Francis, there was Jensen... - Marcos.

Marcos, Strathcarron, and...

They've all gone out of business.

- Mm. - All of them.

So, we wish Ascari the best of British.

Oh, no, no, no. Not the best of British.

Sorry! We wish them the best of luck, fingers crossed.

- Yeah. - But anyway, listen, if you can't afford it

you can't get any of these super cars,

and there are lots of them coming.

Don't worry, there's quite a lot of sports cars coming as well.

Erm, Chrysler, for instance,

is launching the £26,000 Crossfire.

Here it is. Um...

Now, it's got... It's basically underneath.

It's a Mercedes SLK.

It was designed by a British person,

and it's been built in Germany.

So, that's a car for America to be proud of.

- And we've got the new Mazda RX8 to look forward to. - Yup.

£22,400, that's seriously good value.

Wankel engine, suicide back doors.

The thing about those Wankel engines, though,

they used to have a big problem.

'Cause it was something called the rotor tips deep inside the engine,

they used to wear out much too quickly, didn't they?

So, I think they're gonna replace them...

No, they've solved that.

They're using the hardest substance known to man.

- Diamond. - No, harder than diamonds.

I'll tell you what the hardest substance known to man is,

what they're lining the rotor tips with.

It's Weetabix...

Bear with me on this,

Weetabix that's been left in the cereal bowl

and then put in the dishwasher.

Have you ever tried to get it off?

- Nothing. - Oh, I'll buy that. That would do it.

I have put 60 tons of TNT into the bowl to get it out,

blew the bowl to smithereens,

still stuck to the pieces.

That would do it. No doubt about it.

So, that's what they're using. It's the Mazda Weetabix.

Are there any really like, you know, sensible cars coming next year?

Well, I've got a list actually of the cars that are coming in,

and the answer to your question is, erm, "Not really".

Erm, Porsche,

uh, they've made a £50,000, 150 mph off-roader.

- Not sensible. - That's not sensible.

Volkswagen, which, as we all know, means "people car".

They've made a £60,000 Phaeton.

- "People's car." - Oh, that's sensible!

People's car. The economy's obviously better in Germany than we thought.

Oh, there is one, actually!

There is one sensible car, the Vauxhall Signum.

Now, it's basically a Vectra.

Oh, I'm nodding off! I'm just so...

No, no, I'm coming back. I'm coming back.

I'm back.

We mustn't be put off by its Vectraness

because it's not like a Zafira which is the sort of seven-seat Astra.

It only has five seats.

But, apparently, the ones in the back all move about and recline and things.

They're really clever, the ones at the back.

It's gonna be the first car ever

where people will be fighting to get in the back.

"No, no, you drive! Really, you have the front.

You drive it. I'll sit back here.

Thanks very much." Tinted windows, no one will know I'm in it.

Anyway, here endeth the news.

Ah, no, it doesn't,

because TVR, they launch a new car about every three weeks

and they're all pretty much the same.

This is the T350C, their latest offering.

And without even looking I know what I'm gonna get.

There'll be a really sexy, curvy body.

It'll have a glorious sounding engine

and there'll be two seats.

Boom! And there it is.

Thing is though this car is gonna be bought

largely by track day enthusiasts.

You know, the kind of people who'll thrash the bottom off it

on a Saturday around the circuit,

and then commute in it on a Monday.

So, it needs to be a Jekyll and Hyde car.

And that ain't easy.

The new car uses TVR's proven speed six engine.

It's good for 350 bhp

and will take the T350 to 60 mph in 4.4 seconds.

It's a hard rather than a soft top,

and that makes it stiffer.

And those curves were designed with aerodynamics

at the top of the priority list.

All of which is good news, both on the road and the track.

But where it gets a bit tricky is the set-up,

the suspension, the chassis, dampers, springs, all of the...

All of this kind of caper. Got to get it right.

This is a track,

covered in smooth, flat tarmac,

so you can set the suspension up to be as hard as you like

to get a quick lap.

But this is a British road,

real life, the Monday-to-Friday road.

Shoddy repairs, lumps, bumps, mud,

and all garnished with ditches.

So, TVR brought the car and a clutch of mechanics.

We added The Stig who chucked in his ten-penneth

and helped set it up to his liking.

The car doesn't even sit down when it leaves the line.

And look at that, it corners dead flat,

there's absolutely no body roll at all.

And it's very fast.

And a good lap time of 1:28.

But in the process, he's made the car twitchy,

edgy and Stig-like.

Right on the limit.

And it gets worse when you leave the track to drive home.

I think The Stig should stick to driving cars,

rather than messing about with them.

Because this is absolutely awful on the road!

It's... it's so uncomfortable.

And not just uncomfortable, I... I can't steer!

I really have no idea

which direction we're gonna go in next.

It's just random.

So it's back to the pits,

and The Stig is told to get a grip on real life

and help TVR set the 350 up so that we can all use it.

And then it's back out onto the track

with slightly softer settings.

And straightaway, you can see

there's more movement from the body,

more body roll through the corners.

And, yes, the time is actually a second slower

at 1:29 for the lap.

But that's still a very good time.

And it's a lot more predictable.

Out on the road, it's much better.

More usable and drivable.

If anything, it's faster in the real world.

We'll let TVR finish the job off.

But at least now they know where the limit is.

There's one thing I want to do with this car, okay?

Think of a better name for it.

T350C sounds like an iron.

Yeah, whatever it is, it's got a plug on it.

It's an appliance, so it won't do.

So, whatever we come up with,

even if they do call it a T350C,

- we're gonna call it what we come up with. - That's fair.

And actually choosing the name, it can be quite tricky, okay?

I mean, I've got a list here of some of the better ones

and these are all genuine. I promise they're genuine.

There was the Mazda Bongo Friendee.

Very chic.

How about this one?

The Mitsubishi Mini Active Urban Sandal.

How big was the badge?

Or, this is the best of the lot.

The Isuzu Mysterious Utility Wizard.

That's a superb name!

- What is that? - And it's not just the Japanese either.

Back in the '80s, Volkswagen launched

a version of their Mark 1 Golf convertible.

Pink, white leather, okay?

And they called it "The Fancy Boy."

Genius!

- We didn't get that one in the UK, did we? - No.

The UK importers said, "No thanks."

Yeah, funny, that.

Exactly. Now, TVR, in the past, have been very good at names.

- They had the Cerbera... - Yeah.

...which was ooh, it's a sort of dog, it's a dog thing.

- And then they had Chimaera which is a she-goat. - Yeah.

The Tuscan, which was the Supreme God of Everything.

And now they've come up with the Microwave.

So, we've got to do better than that.

And I've got the perfect idea.

Ready? The Widowmaker.

Oh, absolutely... You can't call a car Widowmaker! That's awful.

I can. I just have. It's the TVR Widowmaker.

They called the Starfighter jet in the '60s,

that was a Widowmaker.

Pilots queued up to fly it, killed themselves,

and then another one took their seat. Everyone wanted to fly it.

You can't... but I know where you're going, though.

It needs to be that sort of forceful, like, TVR Armageddon, or...

Ooh, Armageddon's really nice. Anyone else got any ideas?

- Poseidon. - Poseidon.

- Quite like that. - Quite like Poseidon.

- What's it the god of? - The sea.

The sea? Pertinent.

- Anyone else got anything? - He said Thor!

- Thor! - I like Thor.

- God of thunder. - Yeah, TVR Thor.

- It's got a bit of... - Harry Potter!

- That's very, very poor. - The Wizard!

The Wizard, now it's a wizard.

I quite like... I quite like the TVR Harry Potter.

There's something about it.

It's like the TVR Famous Five.

- Or the TVR Beatrix Potter. - Enid Blyton.

Peter the Rabbit. We could go on forever, you idiot.

I think we're missing the point.

It's the Paddington Bear!

Oh, that's perfect.

But, I think,

if I'm not allowed to call it "Widowmaker",

how about the TVR Valhalla?

- Yeah, wasn't that where the Vikings... - What do you mean "yeah"?

That's... In fact, I've decided. It's the end of the discussion.

- It is like Cool Wall all over again. - It is. It's like the Cool War.

I've decided. We've heard some great names

but this is, whatever TVR call it, the Valhalla.

The end. That's it.

That's where the Vikings hung out when they were dead, isn't it?

Yeah, dead Viking

- burial ground. - TVR...

- Perfect. - Well, there's no point arguing. Fair enough.

We've sorted it.

That's a relief.

Anyway, now is the time,

the second coming of our fastest faiths.

And we're gonna find out whether any of our chaps here

were quicker than the Church Of England.

As with our previous fastest faith shoot-out,

the race will be run in a 340 bhp Subaru rally car.

So, would the Church of England remain the kings of the track?

First to go, Tariq the Muslim.

...2, 1, go!

Tariq was doing really well,

but then the druid summoned up the ancient gods of oversteer.

Not just one spin there.

You do score extra for doughnuts, don't you?

But Tariq overcame the wizardry to finish the lap.

All four tyres screeching.

It is a difficult braking point over there though.

I've got to say, that is... You get such a long view of it.

- There's no mark there for you. - Yeah, exactly.

Next up, Arthur Pendragon,

member of the Ancient and Modern Druid Order,

priest of Merlin and the Horned God,

battle chieftain, high priest of the Dragon Coven,

and the Morris Oxford driver.

My Peugeot 1.9D doesn't sound like that.

- I can tell you. - Let's hope not.

It's 0-60 in 10 minutes.

With the Celtic spirits rooting for him,

the druid turned in a tidy lap.

How did he get round there so quick?

That's magic.

Gary, the Seventh-Day Adventist, was next.

But yet again the druid had struck.

This time, casting a spell which shrank the car.

I can do it. Look!

It's not gonna happen.

Any suggestions?

Why don't you sit in with me?

Come round with me and we'll do it together?

- Like kind of a co-driver thing? - Yeah.

No, it'll be fine.

I'm too, er, well, let me just put it this way...

Yeah, I'm too manly, thank you.

I'm too big for the car.

That left Levi, the Rastafarian,

who called on the spirit of Jah.

Yes, Jah, Might. Let's go.

And by now, the druid was out of spells.

And at last, a proper rival

to the current champion from the Church Of England.

Because like him, OLevi's an amateur weekend racer.

And it showed.

Superstars, one and all, and what a complete tragedy.

Yeah, the car was too small.

- I know the feeling, mate. - Yeah.

All cars are too small, aren't they?

I don't know that feeling.

It's not one I suffer from.

- Why do I have to stand here? - Let's do the results.

Right, here we go. In reverse order, as is traditional,

in fourth place, that'll be you, Gary,

- because you couldn't get in the car. - Okay.

You scored a time of so far, about four hours.

Very well.

Not to worry.

Third place - King Arthur,

kind of predictably really, with a time of 1:48.

In second place, Tariq,

- with a very good time, 1:41. - Thank you.

Now, the big question is,

we know at this point that

the Rastafarian, OLevi Doctrove, has won

but the big question is,

have you beaten the Church Of England?

Now when they came here, they went around in one minute, 37 seconds,

faster than all you lot.

You went round in one minute, 31 seconds.

That was fantastic!

That's only...

That is only...

Well, it's less than two seconds

off the pace set by The Stig.

That's an unbelievable performance.

Jason, bring in the trophy.

There you are, the fastest faith.

Thank you.

Well, actually, it's the fastest faith for now

unless we can find a smaller Seventh-Day Adventist.

- Or a bigger car! - Yep.

Anyway, every week, we put a star

in a reasonably priced car. Okay?

We've done that throughout the series.

And they've been a mixed bag.

Hope I don't die, ready, steady, go. Whagh!

Handbrake skid. Up onto 30mph.

Yahhh!

Okay, I lost control of that.

Jamiroquai front man, Jay Kay!

Don't be punished.

Don't be tempted to put too much power on.

That's beautiful.

Ross Kemp!

Rubbish!

I hate you. I hate you so much, Clarkson.

I'm gonna get you back at some point, you know.

Jonathan Ross!

Look at that magnificent turn!

It wasn't.

At this bit, I think I have to go round the end.

You look ridiculous!

I look like a Star Trek fan.

You're lucky I'm still alive.

- Do you think I care? - No, but you're lucky.

Who'd like to see some of the practices that he had?

I thought it might be faster.

Ladies and gentlemen, Steve Coogan!

I'm glad I cleaned me teeth!

There's a gradual build-up of terror

by the looks of things. Start with mild panic.

That's quite neat.

"I drive a Lexush!"

53! Ross Kemp's gonna be so angry.

I beat Ross Kemp!

Tara Palmer-Tomkinson.

I'm coming up to Harvey Nichols.

And the shop is about to close.

I'm blasting.

Oh. Sexy man on the street, wave to him.

Left.

I don't crash, but when I park

I think that the bumpers are there so you go, "Bump, bump, bump, in."

From Status Quo, Rick Parfitt!

Oh, no!

Beautiful... oh, no, there's more.

Probably broke wind.

Back on.

Across the line sideways.

Ladies and gentlemen, Sir Michael Gambon!

You do look quite scared.

Tyres! God!

You were very close to the tyres there.

- You're supposed to be. - Yeah, well, that was beautifully...

Actually, you're off the...

You've hit- Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Gordon Ramsay.

Bloody hell! I could have sworn I just saw a traffic warden.

That tastes of petrol.

And that was done on the Subaru Forrester flat-four engine,

it's a very good base.

Now...

A mixture...

A mixture of poise, precision and Harry Enfield there.

But now it's time to award the prize

to the fastest celebrity in the whole series.

And it was, if we look on this board,

Jay Kay with a time of 1:48,

and he's here, everybody!

Well done!

- God. - I know who it is.

God. It's broken on the side.

I should apologise for the end that's come off there.

The BBC has really pushed the boat out.

Slightly broke. Would you like to make a speech?

A little Tom Hanks style acceptance speech would be good.

- No, it's okay. - I'd just like to say to everybody that, erm,

it's one of the greatest days of my life to get this, er...

To get this award.

And, er, you know, no Brit award or Grammy

could come close to that.

And I just wanna thank Jeremy, the BBC,

God, Mum, everybody. Thank you very much.

Fantastic!

And that...

And that, I'm afraid, is all we've got time for.

We will be back in the spring.

But in the meantime, have a very happy holiday.

Goodbye! Bye!

Wave, Stig, wave!

Wave!

Subtitles modified from MTOD transcript Ripped by GLUE of QxR Edited/corrected for TGCC v2 by AlexGRFan97