Original subtitles

In tonight's Top Gear...

A knight in our reasonably-priced car.

Maserati's new Coupé takes on our track.

And lock up your door mirrors -

we set out to find Britain's fastest white-van driver.

But first, an apology, I'm afraid.

You see, last week, we did a show

mostly about the environment

and I think I may have messed it up.

You see, towards the end,

I inadvertently said I was going to kick a barn owl to death.

- You were going to kick it to death for fun, Jeremy. - I know.

So, can we clear this up, all right.

Even, if you're walking on a branch of a tree

and there's an owl in front of you, in your way, don't kick it.

Just don't.

Now, we've let ourselves down and, I feel, we've let down the barn owls.

- Yeah. - Exactly.

So, that was our attempt to be green - we mucked it up.

We're not gonna be green anymore.

This week we're going to be scarlet.

And that's why we have a BMW M5 in the Top Gear base.

Four-door saloon car, 400 brake horsepower under the bonnet.

Now a lot of you won't have the first idea what 400bhp actually is.

So, I've come up with this simple graph to explain it.

Here we are. There's the power.

And here...

to make it simple the number of double-decker buses.

Now. As an example,

Nelson's Column - ten double-deckers buses, okay.

Big Ben - 30 double-decker buses.

And here we are, here's 400bhp up to about here -

40 double-decker buses.

If you were to spread

400bhp on the ground to a depth of six inches,

it would cover an area the size of Belgium.

And BMW is no longer the only car maker

to be putting so much Belgium under the bonnet - look at this.

It's the Jaguar S-Type R,

now available with a 4.2 litre supercharged V8 engine and 400hp.

Wonderful car.

And Jaguar must be very very pleased to have, finally,

after all these years, caught up with BMW.

But now Audi has come along and moved the goal posts.

What they've done is taken the ordinary,

rather antiseptic body from an A6

and fitted it with a twin turbo, 4.2 litre V8,

which develops an almost unbelievable 450bhp.

That is the same sort of area as Portugal.

You could fit St Paul's Cathedral in 450bhp

seven times over - seven!

So, it's more powerful than an M5 and it's more obvious too.

With all this chicken wire at the front

and those big flared wheel arches,

you just know this thing means business.

0-60 takes less than...

I don't know - no seconds.

Now, the top speed's limited to 155mph

to keep the German Green Party happy.

But the other day,

I was driving this on our test track

and I saw 175 mph on the speedo.

I reckon, if you had a long enough track, you could get it up to 200.

God, it's fast!

So much power!

The RS6 comes as a saloon or as an estate,

both for around £58,000 -

that's £5,000 more than a BMW M5,

but this, I think, is one of the best-made cars on the road today.

A lot of the rock aristocracy drive these fast Audis -

Kenny Jones, Mitch Mitchell.

They make their fortune and then

want something quiet and restrained in the autumn of their years.

But it like with those unplugged albums,

they can never quite resist having 42 lasers

and an inflatable pig.

"Yes, I want the Audi, I want it restrained,

"but, oooh, look at those wheel arches, yes,

"and a big grille on the front, that's what I want, big fat tyres!"

And this is rock star country.

All the rock aristocracy ends up down here

when the 14th album goes double platinum, with a sprinkling of myrrh.

This, for instance, is Gordon Sting's back garden,

or Wiltshire, as you call it.

Except this bit, which his accountant nicked

and he hasn't noticed yet.

Everyone down here is in a band.

And that makes pulling over and asking for directions a rare treat.

Excuse me? Excuse me.

Could you tell me the way to Steve Winwood's house?

Steve Winwood, yes.

- Up here, till you get to Van Morrison's. - Yeah.

Left, uh, up to Sting's trout lake...

- Yeah. - ...around that,

and at the T-junction by Peter Gabriel's

- you make a left. - Okay, brilliant. Thanks very much.

- Um, what band are you in? - Uh, Pink Floyd.

You're the drummer, aren't you? Course you are.

- Have you got an Audi? - Uh, a few, yes.

- Have you got one of these? - Coming at Christmas.

- Thanks very much. - Bye.

I don't blame the rock dinosaurs for choosing the Audi.

You see, it's not just a well-made but out-of-control volcano.

The power is harnessed

by a quattro four-wheel drive system, and they've firmed up the suspension a bit.

No, wrong, Jeremy, wrong.

Not a bit, it's a lot.

I could live with a hard ride - which is a good job,

because I couldn't live without those looks and that power.

This car is a Stairway to Heaven,

a Bohemian Rhapsody.

But unfortunately for the Audi, that's not the end of the story.

It's easily better than the BMW M5 and the Jaguar S-Type R.

But Mercedes...

They've gone berserk!

Welcome to the E55,

welcome to the door of 500 bhp.

Now, I'm not a fan of the E-Class' styling.

It looks like a Honda.

And I'm not a fan of Mercedes' service and customer care either.

I am, however,

a huge fan of this 5.5 litre supercharged V8 engine.

It's the same engine they put in the SL and in that it sounds like...

sounds like a Tornado jet fighter,

and a NASCAR, and a peal of thunder.

They've quietened it down quite a lot in this, I must say,

but the power is still here.

If you don't mind doing seven miles to the gallon,

this thing absolutely flies.

Yes, it's £3,000 more than the Audi, but you get more.

In a straight line it's even faster.

A word of warning though -

in some ways this car reminds me

of the Eurofighter which can't fly

without the on-board computers constantly adjusting the control surfaces.

And this is the same, it doesn't have four-wheel drive, remember.

And I don't think you could drive it on a day like today -

raining, wet leaves - without the traction control.

It's constantly working.

You can feel it going de-de-de, de-de-de.

Even the tiniest dab of the throttle...

and the light comes on,

telling me that machinery has just kept me out of the ditch.

You are right on the edge - 500 horsepower.

That's as far as you can go.

So, this or the Audi?

Same level of build quality, same size, same interior, ambience...

It's a difficult choice.

But look at it this way,

if the Audi is Keith Moon, wild and flamboyant,

then the Mercedes is Charlie Watts, quiet and unassuming.

Me?

I was always a fan of The Who.

I, therefore, take the Audi.

Was that really the drummer from Pink Floyd?

Yeah, Nick Mason, on his way to borrow a cup of sugar from Roger Daltrey.

- Wow. So, the Merc was most powerful, yeah? - Yeah.

But which was the quickest on the track?

Round the track, in the dry,

I'm fairly confident it would be the Mercedes, okay.

But, of course, inevitably,

it was raining when we gave them to The Stig, so the Audi -

four-wheel drive, of course - 2.5 seconds faster.

- Really? - Yeah, 1.33 -

that's the same as the SL or the NSX.

That is a very, very, very quick car,

- really quick, all the time. - Amazing.

The thing is, though, that, um,

with this power trip the Germans are currently engaged on, okay.

BMW 400, then Audi at 450 and Mercedes at 476 -

- we've got this graph to see where that's going, okay. - Right.

Here we are in 2002,

400bhp. You follow that through,

by the year 2008,

we're at 1,000,000,000 brake horsepower.

And this is the distance from here to the moon.

Right. Okay, so this week's show is all about drivers' cars.

And that set us thinking,

is it possible to turn anything

I mean anything at all, into a driver's car?

Well, to investigate this,

we found a bloke who owns a Lada and we nicked it.

This is the Lotus headquarters in Hethel, Norfolk.

And this is Paul Sherwood's 1.5E Lada,

six years old and worth about 200 quid.

Taking on Mission Ridiculous is Chris Arnold,

general manager of Lotus Sport and Performance.

So this is it, then?

- Yep, this is my Lada. - This is the project car? Oh, my word.

I don't know much about Ladas. How long have you had it?

I've had it just under a year.

Ladas are in the blood. Once they're in the blood, you can't get rid of them.

They're... they're good cars.

I was going to talk about aerodynamics,

but I'm not really that sure what we could do with it,

- it's fairly boxlike, isn't it? - Mm, yeah.

There's the blackness that is a Lada interior.

- Oh, it's fairly dingy in there, isn't it? - Yeah.

The old steering wheel, again, is perhaps not very fashionable.

You can abuse them,

hurl bricks at them - they're just solid, rugged cars.

There's your bog-standard Lada 1500 unit.

Ah. Yeah.

I think it's basically just a Russian tractor engine!

To be honest, I don't think it's worthwhile doing much with this.

What I'd like to do is, I'd like to rip it out and put a new engine in.

Always willing to help, we spent £200 and bought him another engine.

I'm a bit worried that they're gonna do something hideous to it, I really am.

Oh, my God, what on earth's he doing!?

To assess the scale of the task ahead on ride and handling,

Lotus let loose their top man, Gavin Kershaw.

This has to be the worst car I've ever driven.

It's not every day that Russell Carr and his design team get.

If we get the wheels and size right,

the ride height right, it'll give the car a much stronger stance.

Get the wheel-to-body relationship correct as well.

£500 of carbon fibre there, that's worth more than the car!

Colour, well, that's debatable, but uh...

Black is obviously gonna lose some of the dodgy detailing we've got.

It'll actually clean that surface right through there,

uh, could be quite nice.

We should just have to rip the bumper off and see what it looks like.

So, maybe we can blend these two together.

Ditch the centre console, remove that.

Maybe the parcel tray.

Put a sort of aluminium wrap underneath. Clean that up, across there.

Maybe pick up some silver detailing on it so it still has a sporty feel like a Sunbeam.

The owner was actually worried that you guys were gonna spoil the look of it.

Well...

We hope we don't prove him wrong!

Well, it's a tough job, but if anybody can do it, it's those plucky boys at Lotus.

I mean, they can make Vauxhalls handle. And Protons.

So we'll find out how they do with the Lada later.

But, first, The News.

Absolutely, and we'll start off with a story about parking.

Now, Rio Ferdinand,

- who apparently is a footballist of some kind... - Oh, right.

- Who does he play for? - Manchester United.

Manchester United, ah, that's how he is able to afford an Aston Martin Vanquish!

And he should be able to pay the £40 ticket he got

for not parking it within the box which wasn't wide enough for the car.

Shouldn't the box be wide enough

for a car? It would make sense.

Yeah, he's lucky, I got a ticket the other day,

and I kid you not, for being parked badly.

Since when did it become like ice-skating?

All standing there... "No, I don't think that is well parked."

Only three from the Nigerian judge.

And that's kind of negative as well,

if they're gonna do that, it's gotta be carrot and stick.

So they need to do something positive

if they think you've parked particularly well, they should commend you.

Maybe give you a rosette on your windscreen.

Yeah, or book tokens.

That'd be nice! Yeah.

While we're on the subject of parking.

I, um, you know, where we nail this programme together,

it's in the middle of London, okay.

There's a multi-story car park next door. Two hours - £9 in there.

So if you're two hours and five minutes - 18 quid.

Well, I went in to Oxford, last weekend,

parked on double-yellow lines right outside where I wanted to be, okay.

Took the children out for lunch,

went to see James Bond, got back five hours later -

20 quid parking ticket.

- That's pretty reasonable. - That's not bad.

- You invented valet park, didn't you? - I did. Valet park, was, um...

I used to live in Fulham, right next to the car pound in London.

So you could drive up to the West End,

have a few drinks, leave the car,

wobble home best way you could.

Wake up in the morning, they'd towed it home for you.

It was pricey, but kinda worth it.

Right, news from Citroen. The Berlingo Multispace.

Looked at it the very beginning of the series, Jeremy.

And we all agreed - fantastic car -

I mean, a great family car, car-like ride, and all the rest of it...

- Yep. - ...but best of all, cheap.

Well, this is the new one.

It's not like new-new, it's a bit of facelift, but it does look prettier.

But the really important thing is it's still prettier.

Yes, prettier is relative.

If you got Ann Widdecombe and hit her on the head with a light tap from a hammer...

- She'd look prettier. - That's about the same as that.

It's prettier. It's prettier.

- Yeah. - But, the most important thing, looks aside,

is you get all of that package and it's cheap.

- And it still is, they're still doing the same VAT-back deal... - That's right.

...until the end of the year which means it's about eight grand.

That's actually a lot of car for eight grand.

- I know. - But still a good one.

Here we go, Astra. We've all been waiting for it.

- Oh my god. - No, come on.

Hot Astra - 200 brake horsepower, okay,

but £16,500 - 3,500 cheaper than the RS Focus, nearly as much power.

The thing I can't work out...

I know. But back in the old days,

200bhp on a Cossie, it was a really quick car.

- 0-60 on this - seven seconds. - Which is quick...

- But it's not like... - It's a Vauxhall, you blithering idiots!

- All right. - Nobody's going to buy one in the end.

- Now. - The Audi TT.

Now, it was agreed that on your cool board,

what you did think of, and put all the cars on without asking anyone,

that the TT had been cool and kind of slipped...

Let's ask this. Is the Audi TT cool?

Hands up if you think it's cool.

Hands up if you think it's uncool.

- There you go. Uncool. - You're right.

Well, they've obviously listened to this, the cool board is taking effect.

So they've put a bigger engine into it, a V6 3.2 litre - about 240bhp.

- It's the one out of the R32, to cool it up. - But...

240 bhp is 225 anyway,

so it's 15 bhp more.

- You've got a heavier engine... - It will be, yeah.

- It's not going to be quicker. - So, it's probably not that much quicker.

But here's the exciting stuff. It has...

a very exciting gearbox.

It's called DSG.

It's not one of those stupid Formula 1 things, is it?

I didn't know. So, rang Audi and said,"Can you send some stuff on it?"

And here it is. And they did, and it's great cause it explains it for you

that it's, well, basically,

"The control logic integrated into the transmission casing

maintains optimum gear-shift strategies

that perform live lightening fast gearshifts, nevertheless..."

No, you're not reading... don't rush it.

- Well, is that.. You were reading that bit? - Yeah.

- Okay, it's the way you read it, okay? - Okay.

Bit of thesp here.

"As on conventional manual gearboxes,

the transmission radios are present

on input and auxiliary shafts

in the form of pairs of toothed wheels.

In contrast to manual gearboxes,

the input shaft is divided into two sections.

It comprises an outer hollow shaft..."

Oh, look. Are there any engineers here?

Is there anyone here who has the first tiny grasp of engineering?

- I mean, is it an automatic or a manual? - Have you?

You have? Look, I'm gonna give you this,

by the end of the news, I want to understand that gearbox.

Work it out, it's your homework.

We have no clue what it is.

And don't buy that car because the gearbox doesn't work.

I'd love to ring a dealer up and say, "This gearbox?" "Dunno, mate."

Is it an automatic or manual?

It's witchcraft, that's what it is.

The one thing we have worked out about it...

Seriously, we've been in the office now all week.

The one thing we have worked out about this is,

it says, that it's able to tell...

it's got two clutches and it's able to tell...

It has the next gear ready, okay?

Ready for you to change. So, if you're in third, accelerating,

how does it know what you want next?

It might think you'll want fourth, and you go, "I'm having second."

Now last week, we set out to find Britain's fastest faith, okay.

And this week, we are searching for Britain's fastest white-van driver.

We asked for applicants a few weeks ago, on the show, and this is how many we got

on e-mails.

Now, we weeded out the psychotics and we were left with five.

And here they are.

And starting at this end, we have...

- I'm Don from Kent. - Don from Kent.

- And you drive a? - Ford Escort.

- Colour? - White.

Of course. And what do you listen to in it?

- Steely Dan. - Steely Dan?

- Are you a fan of Pretzel Logic? - Gaucho.

I'm more of a "Ricky, Don't Lose That Number."

- Yeah, lovely song. Well I hope you win. - Well, I like 'em all.

I hope you win. Sorry, guys. I like Steely Dan.

You presumably like Bon Jovi.

- Yes. How'd you know? - Because I can tell these things.

You haven't shaved.

Which is poor. What's your mother gonna say?

Anyway, what do you drive?

- My pride and joy. - Nissan Vanette?

- Yes. - Okay, and you are a...?

- Heating engineer. - A plumber.

- And you are... - John Wattrip.

You listen to what?

- Tom Jones. - Tom Jones?

Obviously, you work for the Royal Mail,

so you're slightly psychopathic.

And, what do you drive?

- Uh, Leyland DAF vans. - Leyland DAF. Okay.

- You are? - Dale Miller.

- Dale Miller. You work for? - NTL.

NTL, who dig up roads. Make our lives a misery.

- Okay, and what do you drive? - A Peugeot Expert.

Peugeot Expert? What a stupid name.

- And you are? - Steve Hogan from Amersham.

- From Amersham. And you work for? - Iceland.

Lovely country. What do you listen to?

- The Bee Gees. - The Bee Gees.

I'm with Don. I'm hoping he wins.

Anyway, they've already been out.

And we'll be seeing how they got on later.

Yeah, we'll see what happens. Right, back in the 1980s,

about the most fun you could have in a car was in a supermini.

They were simpler and uncomplicated.

And you could go berserk without going so fast you got into trouble.

Since then, superminis have got bigger,

heavier and better equipped and faster,

which is all good, but what if you still just want something that's fun to drive?

Are you stuck? Well, let's find out.

Last year, one in three cars bought was a supermini.

So these things are everywhere.

We've not gone crazy here,

we've picked the mid-range, 1.4-litre versions of each car

just to keep it real.

And the first of them is the middest range of all - the Ford Fiesta.

It's a typical Ford, so it's got everything you need in terms of kit,

but it's all slotted into one of the single ugliest dashes I've ever seen.

That's nasty.

One place where it does fare well is the drive.

I mean, it's not, you know, scintillating,

but it really isn't bad.

Getting close to that nice, nippy-little-car feel that we're looking for.

The old Fiesta drove well, too, but had absolutely no rear seat space.

They've solved that one, and now there is, well, some.

For £9,995, you do get air-conditioning, but not much else.

But its big problem is, it's just so dull inside and out.

You better park it somewhere obvious

or you might just forget you bought it.

In turning out the new Fiesta,

Ford have managed to move the small-car market on not one inch.

All they've done is look inwards and put right the problems with the old one.

This looks promising though, the Citroen C3.

Spiritual successor to the 2CV,

it's far, far funkier than the Fiesta,

which is a surprise coming from Citroen,

who have in recent years

churned out cars blander than chicken in a white sauce.

It's kind of light, airy and happy in here.

Like a lot of French cars, I suspect that, although it is flimsy,

once all the extraneous bits of trim and stuff

have dropped off after about a week,

the rest of the car will just keep on going, forever probably.

And on the way, you'll enjoy a smooth and comfortable ride,

if not a fast one.

There are plenty of cutesy touches inside,

but it doesn't actually do anything clever apart from having plenty of storage.

After all, an air vent is still an air vent

and a door handle, once it's opened a door has kind of peaked, really.

But it's got personality. In its own cute way.

So the C3's cute, but not clever.

For that, you need to look at the far brainier Honda Jazz.

Right now it's a huge hit,

flying out of the showrooms faster than dealers get them in.

If any car sums up what people want from superminis now, it's this.

It really does feel massive in here

for what is still a small car.

Really, really, impressively big. And that's very clever.

It's every inch the little tiny mini MPV.

But with that you do get the downsides of an MPV, because it's all one big box.

It's very boomy. Noise reverberates around it.

And to drive, it just feels a bit top-heavy.

It's not exactly poised. And that's the price you pay.

You can't have MPV qualities and size,

and still have the driving attributes of a nippy little car.

But where it really falls down for the Jazz is on price.

You'll pay £10,300 for a mid-range model

and you'll still have to pay extra for a CD player or alloy wheels.

But where the Jazz goes for big-car space,

the selling point of the funky looking new Nissan Micra is gadgets,

some you don't even need.

How sad have you got to be

that you need your car to wish you happy birthday?

I'd prefer to have friends.

It's built in Sunderland, Europe's most quality-control obsessed car plant.

And for the same money as a poorly equipped Jazz,

you'll get a fully loaded Micra.

Where you do get alloys,

a CD player and that big-car toy, keyless ignition.

And I haven't finished yet.

The windscreen wipers come on automatically when it rains.

We've got parking sensors

to make it easier to brace ready for impact as you reverse into the car behind you.

I've got controls for the stereo on the steering wheel,

there's proper climate control,

not just air conditioning - climate control.

It is comfortable and refined,

but even though it is the epitome of today's grown-up superminis,

if you're yearning for some of that 1980s' small-car fizz and crackle,

you're gonna have to look elsewhere.

The MG ZR - spoilers, spotlights, garish paint. Fantastic.

It's 1983. True, it's as subtle as Brigitte Bardot in a basque,

but you can't help looking, can you?

This is far, far closer to the original feel of little cars.

No apologies, no compromises.

It is a small car and it's all the better for it.

Now remember, we haven't gone for the top-spec hot versions of these cars,

so this is the basic 1.4-engine ZR

and, still, it feels a bit special.

10 grand buys a ZR 105, with 105 brake horsepower.

That's at least 20hp more than anything else we're looking at.

It is amazingly dated in here.

I mean, there's been, I don't think any effort

to make it look, well, anything really.

It's really quite unpleasant,

but that isn't putting me off,

because the moment you pull away,

all that work on the suspension, all that clever stuff underneath means

you can just feel it's that bit more purposeful.

It wants to go.

All right, so it's a Rover 200 underneath,

but it really does deserve its MG badge.

Do you know what I mean? That kind of...

You can feel what's going on underneath,

but it doesn't shake any of the bits of your body off.

And it loves corners. It really does.

This is a fun car.

Ugly, but great fun.

- So if you want a practical car... - It's got to be the Honda Jazz.

The producer's just bought one.

- A practical man. - In this colour.

- And if you want a sporty car... - It's gotta be the MG ZR.

It was two seconds faster around our track than all the others.

- Two seconds? - Two seconds, which is a big difference.

And the thing is, okay, it is based on an old Rover 200,

which in turn is based on a brontosaurus,

but MG have done such a job

of turning it into a driver's car,

it's the one to go for if you want that kind of thing.

And the point is if MG can do that with a Rover,

what are Lotus gonna have done with the Lada?

With just two weeks to turn Paul's Lada into something special,

Lotus threw every ounce of their expertise into finishing on time.

The shopping list includes new brakes,

a hand-made exhaust system, special Lotus black paint

from the East Bilney Coachworks,

and hand-finished seats from the trim shop.

Remember that lump of rust in the workshop?

35 bhp is now 180.

Two weeks and a thousand hours of work

after Paul dropped his baby off at the workshop,

it was time finally to be reunited.

Right. We're gonna stop here.

Now, before we do anything else, have a listen to this.

Now, first, what do you think that is?

They took the exhaust off!

Take your blindfold off and have a look. Let's do this.

- You're feeling all right? Here we go. - Strewth!

- Blimey! - What do you think?

- That is excellent. - Okay. Let's look at it.

- Good God! - It's a pretty thorough job, isn't it?

I should say. That's beautiful. An absolute work of art.

- Chris... now, you've met Chris before, right? - Welcome back.

What have you got to say to Chris?

- Thank you very much. - I should think so!

It is absolutely beautiful.

There's over 1,000 hours gone into this, Paul. Oh, my god!

Thousand. And that's a thousand hours of not just anybody - Lotus people.

The best there are. It's absolutely gorgeous.

Are you pleased with it?

Oh, really pleased. I mean...

When the Car first arrived, and the alternator failed, the wheel trims fell off...

It was a bit sort of...

"Oh, what have we let ourselves in for?"

But the more we got into it, I thought, "Yeah, we could make something out of this car."

Under the bonnet, do you remember, we changed the engine for a Fiat twin-cam?

Because the old Lada lump was destroyed.

That looks a lot better than the...

- It's the same engine! - ...cacky lump that was originally on that pallet.

Well, we had a bit of help, Paul.

The Lotus guys brought in Guy,

who is probably one of the leading authorities in the world on this.

Ex-F1 engineer. Knows what he's doing.

In fact, you stay there while you look at that.

I'm just gonna get this... he wrote the book on it.

Literally wrote the book on that thing.

And you've done a thorough job.

Where is Rob? Rob, come here.

You are Lead Technician. That's your official title.

Well, I've heard rumours, that you literally haven't stopped.

And do you know, what, you look dreadful! Get some sleep!

Stop thinking about this car! Then there's Gav,

whom we've seen before. And you've met Gav.

- Yeah. - 'Cause he drove your hunk of garbage.

He virtually killed it.

So I think it's time to take you out and scare you out of your wits.

Good luck.

Bloody hell!

- Ha ha! - It's certainly different!

A hell of a lot different!

What you have to watch now is something called wheel spin.

It can power slide!

Third gear wheel spin!

I think I'd be too petrified to do that meself!

It's a beast!

So there we are,

proof that any car can be converted

into a decent driver's car -

given, you know, a team of ten men, and a fortnight, and £100,000 -

which is what this would have cost if you'd have gone and asked Lotus yourself.

So, you, Paul -

better look grateful.

- Very grateful. - No, no. Look it.

More grateful than that to the Lotus people.

- In fact, get on your knees. - Thank you. Thank you.

Get on your knee.

Or stomach. Actually, get on your stomach, on the floor.

Now, every week we put a Star in our Reasonably-Priced Car.

And this week, he's more than just a star, he's a knight.

Ladies and gentlemen, Sir Michael Gambon!

Hello. Have a seat.

Now, um, this week's show, um...

predominantly about drivers' cars.

Does that fit with your...?

Well, not really, because I... Jeremy, I spend... being an actor,

I spend the whole of my life stuck in West End traffic.

Go in the bus lanes.

That's what I do. You can go really fast!

I know, I've tried that, but I get had up.

You've got a Ferrari though!

Yeah, but it's not the sort of Ferrari you should own, I'm told.

Every time I mention my Ferrari - it's a 348...

Oh, no, that's a shocking one.

Yeah! That is...

So, I don't care. I like it.

Now, the thing I've enjoyed...

I've enjoyed you in a number of different things over the years,

but the one thing is Longitude.

- Yeah. - Just the most fantastic thing.

John Harrison, the man who invented the

- device for telling where you are at sea. - Yeah.

- Now is there a bit of him in you? Fiddly. - Yeah.

'Cause I have a big engineering workshop at home.

Um, I make things.

What sort of things?

Um, all sorts. Anything that goes...

Clocks. Bits of machinery.

- And you fly as well? Don't you? - Yeah.

I'm not too good at that, because

once I was taking another actor who was frightened of flying.

I convinced him to get in my plane,

and I'd prove to him how safe it was.

He was gonna get on a jumbo jet, and I said, "Well, my one's similar." You know.

It's basically the same.

But when I got over the Thames, heading north, before London City Airport opened,

I feigned a heart attack.

Because there is something inside me that always wants to fool around.

I was a bit bored and, uh,

we were 2,000 feet, going towards Ipswich, and I went "Urgh!"

I put a bit of left rudder on and held it for about ten seconds.

- So the plane was then falling? - I could see Tower Bridge.

And, um, but you'd expect him to go mad, wouldn't you?

- Well, yeah. - If you were making a film of that.

- But he did nothing. He just froze. - What, just sat there?

- He was prepared to crash and burn? - He was prepared to die.

I then came around and apologised, and I can't tell you what he said.

- Are you still friends? - No, I don't see him anymore!

Remind me never to get in a plane with you.

- I was gonna say, when you're at like the RSC... - Yeah.

...doing your Shakespeare, do you sit in the changing...

dressing room with a car magazine?

Well, I've just done a play at the Royal Court -

which is a very serious writers' theatre.

And that's a way to annoy people - sit there with a car magazine.

With Dame Maggie Smith -

"Dame Maggie, look at the 50-70 time on this Zonda!"

Yeah, they hate that.

- No, I think she quite likes cars. - Really?

- Yeah. - We must give her a call. See if she wants to come on.

She can try her luck in the Suzuki!

Do you get over to Hollywood much?

- Kick around with the stars? - Yeah, yeah, I've done a bit.

I've done about a half a dozen films in Hollywood.

Christian Slater took me out in his Beetle.

He's got a great trick - he gets on the PCH,

the Pacific Coast Highway, top flat out,

and then steers it using the quarter lights.

- What? - Yeah.

Explain the logic behind that.

Well, there's no logic!

If you sit on the handbrake...

- What sort of car is he in? - A Beetle.

- A Volkswagen Beetle? - Yeah.

And these big quarter lights... They don't have them now, do they?

No, well, they don't make the Beetle any more.

Well, they do that modern thing which is a Golf made in Mexico...

He goes like that, you see, and by moving the quarter lights,

they act like aircraft rudders,

and you can steer the car.

I'm sitting in the back of his Beetle.

He's in the middle of the car, like a McLaren, doing this.

I just have to do this, okay.

You're sitting in the car with Christian Slater.

How did this conversation crop up?

Did he just suddenly say, "Hey, I've got a great idea"?

No, we were talking about fooling around in cars,

and he said, "shall I show you a very good one?" He just did this for me.

And then you told him about feigning a heart attack?

- Yes. - That would be a really good one!

Of course, we're not here to simply talk about

- what you've had, what you do, Christian Slater. - No.

- You're here to try your hand in our Suzuki Liana. - Oh, don't!

Now you've been watching the show, yeah?

You've seen all these people have a go.

This is the sort of board... obviously Harry Enfield not in the ballpark at all.

He's way off the bottom there.

But everybody else is sort of in this... Was it wet or dry when you went out?

- Very wet. - Very wet, again.

Another wet lap. Shall we see what happened?

- No, don't. - Yes.

No, I'm afraid we're going to. Let's run the tape.

- Now, this is quite good. - Oh, God.

That's like, you had to look at the gear lever to change there.

Which is kind of like reading and moving your lips.

- Which I suppose is what you do for a living, really. - Yeah.

So, you do... I have to say, is this acting, or are you really...

No, I didn't even know there was a camera there!

You do look quite scared.

Tyres! Oh!

- You were very close to the tyres, there. - You're supposed to be!

Yeah, no, that was beautifully...

Actually... you're off the...

Now, you said to me, before we went out, you said,

"Can you roll it?" and I said, "No, no, no!"

No, I didn't mean that, I thought would it roll?

Well, yes, plainly, on the evidence!

- Was that bit frightening? - Yeah, I was really frightened.

Well, I mean, that was fully in the air.

We ought to see that again. Could we see that again?

Can we play it in slow motion for us? Here we go.

Let's have a look at this. Off the road there.

- You hit that. - Yeah.

And then...

- Brilliant, ain't it? - It was beautiful car control.

Was that on your timed lap?

- Yeah. What was my time? - Shall we find out what his time was?

- Yeah! - Including that frankly spectacular moment...

You didn't hurt the car by any chance?

Yeah, I've got the... The wing mirror came off!

You've damaged our reasonably priced car!

I was going to bring it in with me, but...

Well, never mind. Here we go.

Michael Gambon...

there we are. Wet. Another wet day.

And you did it in one minute... where do you think?

- No idea. - One minute, 55 seconds,

ladies and gentlemen.

Two seconds faster than.

Jonathan Ross, and that was on a dry track!

You know, The Stig... he took you out to show you where to go.

- Yeah. - He said, when you first took the wheel

that you had the best appreciation of racing lines

of anyone that's been on the show so far.

Ooh! He said most are just young kids.

- It's all, "uh-uh-uh". You were much more the old bull. - More, Jackie Stewart.

No, he didn't say that, actually!

Maybe we should get Jackie Stewart on one day.

I thought it was Jackie Stewart.

- You thought you were? - The Stig.

- Oh, you thought The Stig was? - Yes.

Not with that accent.

Have you any idea who he is?

No, he's putting on an accent, isn't he?

I don't know, I honestly have no clue who The Stig is.

We thought it might be Maureen from Driving School.

But, then, the way he holds the power slides, I'm not sure it is.

- I don't know. - But he talks in a French accent, but it's not...

He took me out in the A6 and...

- RS6. - ...the RS6 and frightened the out of me.

I didn't think it was possible to drive a car that fast around corners.

And was he very sideways?

- You were looking out of the side window? - I felt sick at the end of it.

Well, it's been enormous fun having you here.

Ladies and gentlemen, Sir Michael Gambon!

This week's insider trader news is all about new cars.

Now, 2002 is gonna be an absolute record year for new car registrations,

2.5 million new cars sold.

That's about 80,000 more than last year, and last year was a record as well.

Now, there's a huge amount of pride at stake between the manufacturers

as to who sells the most, who's second, who's third.

Top place, number one is gonna be Ford. Number two, will be Vauxhall/GM.

Number three, will be Peugeot.

But, there's a cat fight between fourth... for fourth place basically,

between Renault and Volkswagen.

Now the outcome of that is that Volkswagen, desperate to get fourth place,

have done a deal with their dealers.

And basically they've given them some Polos, some Golfs, and some Passats

and they've given them a 30% discount on those cars.

Now what that translates into is something like a Passat,

two-litre, S, great car. £14,600, normally.

You can go and buy that car... at the moment there being offered for £11,995.

Now that's a good deal, the Passat is a really good car.

And it's not overpriced usually.

So at that kind of money...

Well, that kind of money, it's about the same as a new VW Golf.

£2,700 off.

They're out there to be had at the moment. Fantastic deal.

Now, Suzuki Liana, we started off, reasonably priced car, £9,995.

Then dealers said, "No, we'll do one for £8,995!"

Then £7,995.

This week, I had an e-mail from a dealer up north, can't give the name.

But they've got a powder-blue one, just like our car.

Air con, ABS, air bags - £7,495.

Is nobody buying those cars despite us putting it on telly every week?

- That's a cheap car. Big time. - That's insanely reasonable.

And finally, pre-registered cars, okay. This is something that manufacturers do.

To try to bump registrations up.

Basically, they register a whole bunch of cars in their own name and sell them later.

So they haven't sold them. But it just gets more numbers,

So it's all part of this battle to get fourth place or whatever?

- Yes. Absolutely. - To appear to have sold more cars? Got you.

And eventually, they've got to find a home, so they come on to the market as used cars.

I mean, if you buy one,

when you come to sell it, it's gonna have two owners on it.

It gonna be you and the manufacturer, doesn't make a huge difference to the value,

really doesn't. But it does make a difference to the price you pay now.

This week, I was offered a Renault Scenic.

Remember Renault are trying to chase for fourth place.

That car is normally £12,500. It's 1.4, air con, it's got alloys. Proper car.

That car was offered to me this week for £9,000.

Now that's a really useful family car for £9,000, it'll have no miles on it.

No, delivery mileage. Next to nothing.

And if you want to go cheaper? How about this?

Ford Focus, 1.4CL, 3-door,

that car is normally about £10,500,

pick one of those up, pre-registered for £7,995.

Yeah. And then finally, if you want to go really cheap - remember, last week,

Ford Ka, normally £6,500. Some dealers were banging them out for £4,995.

How about this as an option? Pre-registered Fiat Punto Mia,

1.2, 3-door, £4,995.

Now, in the 1940s and the 1950s,

a Maserati was as exotic and as unattainable as a banana

or nylon.

It was as desirable, come to think of it, as a banana in a nylon sock.

But, by the time I was old enough to notice,

a Maserati was a broken down Biturbo at the side of the M1.

Now, however, Maserati has been taken over by Ferrari.

And they're supposed to be chic and tropical all over again.

This is the latest model.

You've seen the Coupé styling before. It's not very nice.

And the new rear lights don't help.

But... there's something else.

It's got a new engine.

4.2 litre V8 replaces the old 3.2 litre turbo.

And that develops nearly 400 brake horse power.

And what good's that in this day and age? Nearly 400?

It's like being nearly 6ft tall.

Nearly winning the Lottery.

Then we step inside past these elegant hinges

and this dainty welding to find that it is a proper four-seater.

We also find a clock such as you'd give to Dave Brent on his retirement.

And we find something which Maserati calls "Cambiocorsa".

We call it stupid, flappy, Formula 1 gearbox.

Great!

And it won't start. Why won't it start?

Look at it. It's got to be in neutral.

Will you go into neutral now? My foot's on the brake.

There we are. Neutral.

Great gearboxes, these. Love 'em!

Now it's beeping at me.

Oh, we go!

There are, however, two good things about this gearbox.

First of all, it's exactly the same system that you get in a Ferrari 575.

But in the Ferrari, it costs £6,000. In this, it's £3,000.

The other good thing is

you don't have to have it, you can have a normal manual.

Which means your head doesn't get shaken off

every time you change up.

God, that's awful!

Got a bit of poke, though! Got a bit of poke!

I didn't much care for the old engine,

but this one... it's not bad.

To get the power onto the road, the Maserati comes with four different settings

for everything. Gearbox, seats, the lot.

Think of all those Italian electrics! Mmm!

And it has something called "sky-hook" suspension

which can be tuned to suit your mood.

Sounds good. But it isn't.

The trouble is, when you push the sport button to firm everything up,

tighten up the gearbox, it goes from being a...

I don't know, a blancmange to being...

a marshmallow.

You don't drive this car so much as... hang on!

And woe betide anyone who thinks it's a good idea

to turn the traction control off.

This is our Hammerhead corner and, oh dear,

made a bit of a monkey's breakfast of that.

So, I had another go.

And, oh dear.

Made a monkey's breakfast and then lost my temper.

I've never had such a problem going round this track,

oh, as I'm having in this.

This, then, is not a sports car.

Frankly, you're more likely to find a sports car

if you turn over and watch Monarch Of The Glen or Heartbeat

or whatever period drama they've got on the other side.

Nick Berry's helmet - that's more sporty than this.

But then, perhaps, this isn't supposed to be a driver's car,

a rival for Porsche and Ferrari.

Perhaps it's supposed to be a pasta and Bolognese alternative

to the roast beef and Yorkshire pudding that is Jaguar.

In which case, where's the opulence?

Why have they fitted narrow little school chairs instead of seats?

Where's the sense of well-being that you get from a Jag XKR?

You know what this is?

It's a £61,000 Mr. Nearly car. It's stuck in a no-man's land

between the Jaguar Rock and the Ferrari Hard Place.

- So, it's no good, then? - No, not really.

I mean, all I'm hearing from the studio audience is, basically,

"It's horrid, it's not very nice."

And it isn't really. 'Cause, if you want...

it's got plenty of space, I will say that,

but if you want a comfortable cruiser buy a Jag or Merc SL.

If you want hardcore performance, Porsche, Ferrari, you know.

- You're better off buying a DB7, aren't you? - Yeah. Much better off.

But it does have one chance to redeem itself.

Stoke up The Stig.

And he's off. But it doesn't matter how long it takes him to get round,

cause he's already wasted 15 minutes

getting it started and setting the gearbox and the suspension

to his Stiggy liking - that and choosing the right CD, of course!

Right, he's coming up to the Hammerhead now.

And if he can get around here without spinning

we might even let him come and sit by the fire on Christmas Day.

He's done it!

Power now, and the Mas is not lacking in that department.

Up to a huge speed by the time he gets around the last two corners.

Up to what we'll now call Gambon Bend.

He's not gone sideways, like Michael, and he's across the line.

Brilliant driving but not a particularly brilliant time.

- One minute 38 seconds. - Ooooh.

That's only just slightly faster than the Bentley.

- Not a good car. - No.

Right, earlier on, we met our white-van men.

They've been hanging around, entertaining themselves,

struggling with the Sun crossword and looking at girls.

But here they are again,

and they all reckon you know, a bit handy on the road, behind the wheel.

But how did they get on?

Somewhere where there's no opportunity

to rip anyone's door mirrors off?

Naturally, they'd come in their own weapons of choice

but, today, they wouldn't be using them.

Because if you're looking for the fastest white-van man

you need a special kind of white van.

The Ford World Rally Transit

and it ain't just a pretty paint job either.

The engine's been modified to give 200 bhp.

It's got race-spec wheels, brakes, suspension and exhaust.

And, just look at that.

Even the interior is proper racing stuff!

Right, down to business. And first up, John, from the Royal Mail.

Are you a big wuss or a white-van man?

Three, two, one...

Are Royal Mail drivers generally quick?

- They are. They cut you up everywhere! - Yeah, yeah.

And while Postman Pat was on the track,

I received a few nuggets of white-van man wisdom.

You know what, they're the worst in the world. Women drivers.

All women drivers?

Next, Steve from Iceland. The firm, that is. Not the country.

Took that in the wrong gear.

This is the guy who yesterday destroyed a police car.

- Did he? - Yeah. Backed into it.

Wrote it off in his Iceland van.

Is there a technique to driving a van then?

- Yeah. Put your foot down. - Put your foot down is good.

Please don't break it, Steve.

It's always handy to have dents in your van cos more people get out the way.

And Steve was determined to add a few more.

Just bent the bracket holding it on.

Next up, Don. Who'd got lost on the way down.

It's that way.

And then left.

Three, two, one... Go!

And, sure enough...

he got lost again.

He's gone wrong again!

This way!

Left, left. Go left... Ah!

He's done... you know.

He worked for that. He worked hard.

Dale was the quiet man of the bunch,

happy to let his driving do the talking.

You're supposed to let the clutch out!

At last, a full-on white-van man.

Silent, but deadly with the rev-counter.

And to finish, the classic 5:29pm

on a Friday return-to-base manoeuvre.

He's done a wheel.

You're giving us van drivers a bad name!

Roger, not a man lacking in confidence,

so how are you feeling about this?

Very good. Get me going.

Three, two, one... Go!

And another vintage van man.

Not fussed about someone else's tyres...

And not that fussed about where the road markings go.

All in all, Roger's van man tactics set him up for a nice, quick lap.

- That was good, wasn't it? Smooth. - Yeah.

Right!

Right!

I have the results here.

And in fifth place - I was rooting for you.

You got lost!

You were useless!

Most people did it in around about two minutes, two minutes ten.

You took four minutes, 55!

And as a result, we would like to present you

with a booby prize.

Which is part of the door mirror

that Michael Gambon knocked off the Suzuki Liana!

- Don, there you are. - Thank you, Jeremy.

Right, so the rest of the results. In fourth place with two minutes and nine,

John the postman. Well done, John.

In third place, it's Roger the plumber...

- Heating engineer! - Plumber!

Plumber! In two minutes five seconds.

And then it gets very close -

with two minutes and three seconds, Steve from Iceland.

And that means...

Jason, bring in the trophy

because the winner is Dale from NTL, two minutes, two seconds.

Well done, Dale.

Well done. Now...

Next week, we're not here, cause the whole of BBC Two is full of men playing billiards.

But we're back the week after that

when we'll have a programme full of stuff about cars. Good night.

Subtitles modified from MTOD transcript Ripped by GLUE of QxR Edited/corrected for TGCC v2 by AlexGRFan97