Original subtitles

In tonight's Top Gear,

a rock star in our reasonably-priced car.

I learn how to drive a Lotus Elise properly.

And it's religious racing as we find the fastest faith.

So it's a riot of fun and games.

But the theme of the show tonight is the environment.

Yeah, I know.

But you see the thing is, what we're gonna try and do

is balance our love of the car with a need to be green.

And that's why we, earlier this week, put a camera over the M4 bus lane,

to try and work out what it's for.

I mean, obviously, the government must have done research,

they must have worked out there was a need for it.

Obviously.

I mean, you wouldn't put all the cars in those two lanes.

That would be the work of a madman to do that.

Unless there were lots of buses.

Well, there we are, erm...

We're gonna play this throughout the show.

And if anyone of you sees a bus

coming along, do shout out. Okay?

- Feel free. Good. - Yeah. Okay.

- Well, while we're waiting... - Bus.

- What? - Bus.

Where? There is something coming, and it's a...

It's a bit small.

That's not a bus. That's an ambulance. False alarm.

Panic down. But be ready. Okay?

While we are waiting to spot a bus,

this is the new Saab 9-3.

It is a competitor for the Audi A4

and the BMW 3 Series.

But because it's a Saab, because it's Swedish,

it's that bit more cuddly, more friendly

than those more aggressive German competitors.

And that makes it the perfect car

to look at in tonight's caring, sharing Top Gear.

But don't worry, there's gonna be no nonsense

with spinning wheels or any of that.

Because I'm gonna drive this in an eco-friendly manner.

This two litre T model may have 175 horsepower

and do zero to 60 in 8.5 seconds.

But don't worry.

Because I'm going to travel to work following

the government's official guidelines

on commuting in an eco-friendly manner.

We should, and I quote, "Steady our speed."

They suggest 50mph as being the most economical

and in fact, it probably is.

Righty-ho then, 50 mph it is.

And it's not bad at 50 mph.

It's a firm ride, but sportily so.

It's not unpleasant.

That's not very economical. He's going quickly.

Now, alright, the Saab does share

a lot of its bits and pieces with the Vauxhall Vectra.

But they have put their own engines in

and their own suspension setup.

It's not the sharpest feeling piece of kit,

but you do get a solid, premium car feel.

And that's what it's about.

That's what it's got to be to

if it's gonna compete with Audi,

BMW and Mercedes which is what they want it to do.

The two-litre T has a two-litre engine

and a turbo, and it's a light pressure turbo.

A very, very light pressure. So light, it's hardly there.

Over about 3,500 revs it goes...

And that's it.

I don't want light pressure turbos.

I want great big, stonking, huge, heavy-handed turbos

that throw you through the seat.

But then to do so would be very uneconomical,

and against our guidelines.

Now, obviously, it's capable of far, far more.

We can do speeds in excess of...

Ooh, well, it can certainly do 60.

But that'd be crazy.

But if you are going to let rip

and explore speeds beyond 60,

make sure you do it before you get

to that great government invention,

the bus lane.

Here we go. Bus lane.

Apparently, as many as two buses

an hour come along here.

So, that's worth cordoning off

fifty percent of the available road space.

Permanently. Great thinking.

It's funny, at a time when BMW have introduced

their iDrive, the system on the big 7 Series,

where you get one big knob to control everything,

it's not the driver,

it's a big knob, literally, on the centre console.

In here we've got an old fashioned approach

where we've got a button, a switch,

a knob or dial for everything.

I've counted 98 separate controls in this car.

Ninety-eight.

And all those buttons give you control over

an impressive array of toys,

air conditioning, car computer, cruise control, and CD player.

All fitted as standard.

But our guidelines have something

to say on that matter.

They tell us that unfortunately,

all onboard electrical devices, particularly air conditioning

shouldn't be used unless absolutely necessary,

because they waste precious fuel.

So, unfortunately, handy though all that stuff is,

I'm gonna make sure

we don't use it, and stay friendly.

Because that's what the government tell us.

That should do it. Shame, really.

I'd have loved the air con. It's getting a bit muggy in here.

In fact, it's pretty good value for money.

At £21,500, it's over £2,000 cheaper

than the nearest Mercedes or BMW.

And you can sit and dream

about how to spend all that money you've saved

whilst you're stuck at the lights.

And stationary.

Now, I've followed the guidelines.

I've switched my engine off. Which is great, lovely.

There's a rumour here in London

that the Mayor, Ken Livingstone,

is actually rigging the traffic lights

to cause maximum disruption,

so that people are more accepting

of his congestion charges.

And when he brings them in,

he can change the lights so everything moves.

Cheers, Ken.

Ooh, lights are changing.

I've started pulling forward... They've changed.

That's it. That was my eight-second launch window.

Of course, it is only a rumour,

and his people deny it.

They say the traffic lights have been changed

to avoid too much congestion in areas during times of roadworks.

But that's everywhere all the time, isn't it?

Surely.

They also deny that it's causing traffic chaos.

What's this, then?

They say that drivers will find alternative routes.

Where? In the sky?

Two minutes red. Eight seconds green. Nice.

And we can just sit here at the traffic lights

as our life ebbs

slowly away...

Well done.

No whales were harmed in the making of that item,

I wanna make that absolutely plain,

but you forgot to tell us what the car was like.

Yeah, I did miss that bit out. What?

- Bus? - Good Lord.

No, that's a coach.

A bus is a big, smelly thing full of old ladies

going to the post office.

That's taking businessmen

from Heathrow in to London, doesn't count.

Doesn't count. Yeah, the car, it's just a bit bland.

Old Saabs used to be quirky with wraparound windscreens

and big slabs of dash.

But this is just, it's just a car.

It's got a clever engine though.

It's got a very clever engine.

For instance, if you drive it through

really heavily polluted cities like L.A., Denver...

- Birmingham. - Yeah. Birmingham as well.

The stuff that comes out of the exhaust

is actually less toxic than the air going in at the front.

- Really? - Because the catalytic converter

on a light-pressure turbo like this is so clever and efficient

that all the muck coming out of all the cars

around you in the traffic, it'll take out

some of the bits and pieces from there.

So, basically if you turn this car's engine off

- at the lights... - Yeah.

...you're harming the environment?

Yeah, it's very neglectful of you to do that

in fact, which is weird but strangely true.

These government guidelines don't work?

Well, they don't work anyway.

I mean, I was lucky not to get punched in the face

by a van driver waiting to get away at those lights anyways.

Which you missed. You missed your window.

You've got eight seconds of green,

two minutes of red,

you're like a sniper waiting for two days to take a shot.

Missed it.

Okay, well, look, let's forget about how to drive

and let's concentrate on what to drive.

We'll be doing that later in the programme

but for now, The News.

This week, news from Daihatsu on the new Copen

which obviously stands for coupe that opens.

This is the car of the future.

Couple of weeks ago, we talked about the Smart Roadster?

- Yes. - This is a little 660cc turbo-charged engine,

folding roof like the SLK...

The only problem I can see with it

is they're gonna be out £14,000 if they import it.

- Fourteen? And the Smart was... - Twelve. Well, starting at 12.

So this is £2,000 too much.

So it's not decided yet whether they're gonna import it.

I wouldn't bother.

- No. That's gonna kill it. - Too expensive.

Sorted that one out.

Last week there was an issue about.

Jeremy's Mercedes SL55 AMG.

Which you stole.

We kind of did.

And do you know what's really funny?

Is we've had I don't know how many, 100s of e-mails from people

saying that the car driven round the track

by The Stig wasn't mine.

No, really, the thing was, when I drove it in the road test

I changed my plates.

I put SL55 AMG on so no-one knows what my number plate is.

Did you bother changing the plates?

No. Not really.

You did steal my car?

Yeah, pretty much. So if we can just clear that up.

But there is more news here, that's left you down hearted.

This won't cheer you up at all because there's a better one.

Brabus, the German tuning house,

you've heard of 'em probably,

they brought out the K8

basically it's going to be about 75 brake horsepower...

- Ooh. - Even more than before.

It's tricked up with great wheels.

And I mean, that is a big, mean car.

- Is that gay? - Oh, no.

Who thinks that's gay?

- Yeah. - That's still gay.

- Sorry, Jeremy. - What's it gonna cost?

It doesn't make any difference how much it's gonna cost. It's gay.

What about safety?

I think a lot of people think

that all cars are about the same,

they all have to pass the same tests, but actually they're not.

There's an organisation now called EuroNCAP, okay?

And they test loads of cars and grade them.

They're independent on our behalf.

One, two, three, four, five stars,

and so far the only cars that have got five stars

were the Renault Laguna and the Mercedes C-Class, okay?

But they've just tested 18 more cars

and four of them have got five stars.

And they are, this is important you should know this,

the Mercedes E-Class,

the Renault Vel Satis which we looked at last week,

the Renault Megane, five stars for a Renault Megane.

And the Saab 9-3 which you've been driving.

That's true, so not only is it good for the environment,

it cleans the air if you go through a mucky city.

It's not just the air, that thing...

It'll suck rabid bats in.

Clean them up, nice and fluffy,

- shoot them out the back end with no rabies on them. - How lovely.

If you look to those cars,

you wouldn't obviously think, would you? A Vel Satis.

Well, a Megane, you wouldn't look at a Renault Megane

and think "Is that safer than a Mercedes S class?"

- No. - They also test for pedestrian safety

you know, if you actually run into someone

and all of them do either badly or very badly.

Or in the case of the Suzuki Grand Vitara,

appallingly; It got no stars.

So if you find yourself in the middle of a dual carriageway

there are two cars coming towards you,

you know you're going to be run over,

if one of them is a Suzuki Grand Vitara,

go for the other one.

Just being serious, if I may, for a moment,

because, erm, I never used to worry about

safety at all until I had kids.

And NCAP actually do test if they put child seats in the back

and test 18-month-old babies and three-year-olds to see

how they survive and how well they're looked after

if you have an accident.

And most of the cars they tested have done very well

but the one they picked out as being very good

is the Subaru Legacy Outback.

And you look at that, that's not an obvious choice, is it?

- No. - If you wanted to put children somewhere safe,

you'd go Volvo or Mercedes or a big 4x4.

But that is actually singled out

with its child seats as being very, very good

in both side impacts and frontal ones.

So there we are.

Right. Has anybody seen

that Transport Minister Alistair Darling? Bless him.

He's been saying that we need is a "Hole Tsar."

- A what? - Because of all the holes in the road...

It's because of all the disorganisation,

I think it was in London on the Strand about 160 holes...

In 12 months, yeah.

They're not organised. And as a result, traffic, congestion, chaos.

Well, it's funny that comes in the same week that we've heard

that the average car journey is now 16% slower.

It's taking people 16% longer

to make the same journeys in their cars.

- Than it was four years ago? - Yes. I don't know if that's a big surprise.

The school run I have to do not in London,

it's from outside Oxford into the centre of Oxford,

the most car-friendly city in Britain...

Well, okay, second most car-friendly.

That's now 18 miles, an hour and a half.

The interesting point being,

how much do you think the traffic has increased by?

The volume of traffic to achieve that.

So, journeys 16% longer.

How many more cars do you think there are on the roads?

- Two. - Two percent more.

Or two cars? You fool! That wouldn't do it.

You're wrong. Should we say how many more?

I'm gonna tell you. None.

It's exactly the same and yet journey times are that much slower.

- And that's because of all the stuff we've... - That's why.

That guy would have been doing 70 in that lane.

Now he's having to do 40 because of that.

- Ooh, there's something coming. - Hello.

It's a taxi, another taxi and another taxi.

That's three coming in from Heathrow.

This is the problem.

And now have you see the latest scam they got with bus stops?

There used to be a lay-by for buses.

Okay? So that the old ladies could get on.

Now, they're building bus stops out into the road.

- Why? - This is the latest idea

because bus drivers were saying

that no-one was letting them out.

"Nobody lets me out."

So now we have to wait while she dithers.

"Ooh I've got me tartan shopping trolley!"

Anyway.

- Before... What? - Travel a lot, do you?

- Do I travel a lot on... - What do you think?

I went on a bus once.

I was eight. It was hideous.

Anyway, there's been a lot of talk recently

in America about what Jesus would have driven.

We're not interested in that. Actually, not even slightly.

What we're interested in

is finding the fastest religion around our track.

So, would you look at what we've got here.

You, sir, are from the...

- The Catholic church. - Catholic church and you're...

Father Simon Thompson.

Right, now, what do you drive?

A Seat Leon.

A turbo-charged Seat Leon.

Yeah. And you've had it chipped?

Well I got the touch-up paint, yeah.

No, you've had it chipped from 180 to 206 brake horsepower.

One fast priest, I would say.

- Now, you, sir, I'm guessing rabbi. - Correct.

- Rabbi? - Pini Dunner.

Pini Dunner. Great name. Pini Dunner.

- And what do you drive? - I drive a Vectra, I'm sorry.

You did know what we were planning on doing here?

- I did. - Erm, any crashes?

A few.

- Talk us through them. - I've turned over a Honda.

I've crashed a 2CV.

I've backed out of my drive into somebody's car.

That's just three that I can think of offhand,

but I've crashed a few more times.

And what we've learned is that you've never had a good car, actually,

from that little lot.

Now, standing alongside you is,

Nigaka Lama Rigzin Taklung Roll Paedyorge.

I had no idea you were so fluent in Tibetan. It's quite amazing.

What is your e-mail address with that?

- Can I call you Rigzin? - Oh, please, yes.

Fine. Now, you're Buddhist.

- Good, yes. - Good. And you drive a...

- Renault Scenic. - Renault Scenic.

You had any accidents?

I may be the only person

to have written off a car in a motorway service area.

Really? How did you manage that?

Well, I got a bit disorientated.

I only stopped for a pee and walked through the door

with the picture of the man wearing a skirt.

It's true.

And leaving in a hurry, I was still kind of revolving

this incident in my mind

and I met with one of those rogue lampposts

that you do occasionally.

In the thing. Well, how annoying is that?

So now we move on to the Reverend Antony Feltham-White.

- Representing the... - Church of England.

Church of England.

Now, actually you are a bit of a dark horse here, aren't you?

Um, not exactly. I wouldn't say so.

But you actually race cars.

Only some three or four times a year, yes.

It's still racing. What's your team called?

Revelation Racing.

- Glorifying God through competition in motor sport. - Absolutely.

- Well, good on you. - Thank you.

Now I know that there's already someone from the Church of England,

but we couldn't resist it when at the last minute

- we were contacted by a... - Bishop.

A bishop. I mean, we had to say yes.

When Bish rings we've got to have you on board.

So you're Right Reverend Wallace Benn from...

I live in Eastbourne, but I'm Bishop of Lewes,

- which is East Sussex. - Bishop of Lewes, okay.

- And member of the Institute Of Advanced Motorists. - Yep.

This isn't gonna help.

Shuffling your arms around won't help here, okay?

It has to be all that. Okay?

Now, the thing is they've already been round the track

along with a guy from the Hare Krishna,

but sadly he can't be here today.

- Shame. - Nor have we got a Muslim and that's cos it's Ramadan.

But when Ramadan's over, do please get in touch.

We'd love to put you in the same sort of car,

same track, see how you get on.

Anyway, we'll be seeing how you guys get on a bit later.

I really can't wait for that.

But let's get back to the environment for a bit

and talk about diesel.

Now we don't blame anybody

for buying a diesel-engined car.

Okay, so the fuel might cost about the same as petrol,

but you'll get much better economy.

And the engines themselves have come a very long way.

For instance, the TDCi diesel engine in this Ford Focus.

Great, it's a really good, usable everyday car,

and it's a diesel.

Need something bigger?

The BMW 5 Series. The three-litre diesel engine in there

I kid you not, at 90 miles an hour,

you'd never know it was a diesel.

Need something even bigger,

completely clueless about contraception

and want a people carrier?

The new Citroen C8, it's great.

It's got a cool and funky interior, it's very clever.

It's very big and spacious.

- Are you comfy in there, guys? - Yeah.

Oh, good.

But the most interesting thing about this is,

Top Gear hasn't been renowned

for its love of diesels over the years

and yet the version of this, the C8

that we'd advise you to go for is the diesel-engined one.

So three very different cars with very different purposes,

but all diesels and all very good.

So what's next for diesel?

This is the Peugeot RC,

possibly the world's first proper diesel sports car.

And since there's only one in existence,

Peugeot were a little nervous about The Stig having a play.

So they sent down their own man, Richard Burns.

The RC has all the sports car credentials.

Carbon fibre body, mid-mounted engine,

a six-speed sequential gearbox, a zero-to-60 time of six seconds,

and yet Peugeot still claim that it will do 57 miles to the gallon.

So, could you, would you? Would you take the leap

and have a diesel sports car?

"Would I buy a diesel car?"

No. And I can explain why. Volkswagen Golf, okay?

Petrol engine, European chic,

so it goes into my Cool Wall which we introduced last week.

In the Cool section.

Volkswagen Golf diesel.

Identical car except for the engine, where does it go?

Uncool because it marks you out as a cheapskate.

Here we go, the Saab we looked at earlier.

And now Saabs, I know they've gone all conventional,

I know it runs on a Vauxhall Vectra platform

and yet, somehow telling people you've got a Saab.

Quite cool.

So it goes there.

Oh, I'm sorry. I don't think I've explained,

this isn't a debate.

I tell you where things go. I am the judge here.

Unless, of course, it's got a diesel engine,

as Saabs now do, in which case it goes there.

Happy now?

I have to say, actually, this Cool Wall

has caused an absolute furore.

We have had 20,000 e-mails about it.

Twenty thousand, and all day long,

all the people here have been going,

"Why did you put that there for?"

I've got a microphone here so we can hit people with it.

You. What do you want moving?

The MX-5 and the MG TF.

- You want to switch an MX-5 with a... - MG TF.

Anyone else got any thoughts? What was yours earlier?

The Aston Martin, I would put down into the Uncool

on the basis of build quality and it's not value for money.

It's too much Ford.

You are such an idiot.

This is the coolest car.

I perhaps haven't explained how the 'Cool' thing works.

It's got nothing to do with build quality.

Absolutely nothing to do with it.

Or looks, or anything, or how they are to drive.

All that matters is, are they cool?

And the way you can judge it is this, okay?

You've got to take Kristin Scott Thomas out for dinner.

Cool girl, yes?

You've never heard of her, have you?

Anyway, she's the coolest actress there is.

You turn up in something like that, Ferrari 360.

She is going to think you're a berk.

You turn up in that,

she's going to leave her husband.

That's how cool works.

Who was complaining about the Ford KA?

You were. Why were you complaining about the Ford KA?

It's good.

It's just good. There is nothing you can say about it

apart from the look of it. It is a good car.

You have turned up with 86 earrings

and you are telling us that's a brilliant car.

My case rests. Oh, he is looking angry.

I like earrings.

You know, I drive an SL, okay, I'm gay.

Erm, anyway, where was I? I completely forgot.

Oh. Diesels. The point is, that if you have a diesel,

it marks you out as being mean, and that's why

they're in Uncool.

The end.

Feel better for that, do you?

Yes, had a bit of a moment, it makes sense.

Don't upset the bloke in the earrings.

- Carry on but just be careful. - I'll just go that way.

So we're saying diesel is uncool,

they're down this end of the board.

All right, the next thing could be electric cars.

Now billions and billions of pounds

are spent in America by organisations,

including the government on developing electric cars.

And this, the Ford Th! Nk... Hmm...

is the best they can come up with.

And frankly you're better off

doing a Guardian thing and jogging to work.

Let me show you why.

Now, here's the Th! Nk with the Stig at the wheel.

Listen to the throbbing silence

of that electric motor. Glorious.

For comparison, we've lined it up against

something equally sprightly.

Jason.

And they're off. Now, the Th! Nk can do

nought-30 in seven seconds.

But you can have problems

particularly if you use the electrical stuff.

Things like, the stereo.

And Jason by now is way behind,

but look what's happening.

It's running out of steam.

Oh, my word, it's stopped.

And the giant Galapagos Tortoise

has passed and has crossed the line.

Would you drive an electric car, then, Jeremy?

No, I don't want to drive around in an appliance.

It's as simple as that.

And I'll tell you something else

about electric cars, okay.

You have to charge them up at night, okay.

How many people park outside their houses?

You have to park three streets, you do?

Well, well done you.

There is one man who parks outside his house.

But for the rest of us, you park three streets away.

And even if you CAN park outside your house,

there's just going to be flex,

you'd be walking down the pavement like this,

over all the flexes.

They're stupid.

Maybe not the best, but there might be a solution.

And as is often the case, it's a compromise.

And it's a hybrid car, it's the Toyota Prius.

The clever thing is, and the reason it's a compromise,

it's got two engines.

There's a 1.3 litre petrol

and an electric motor.

And the way it works is it runs on the electric motor

at slow speeds and then when it needs

more power or the motor runs out of charge,

the engine, the petrol engine fires up

and that puts the charge into the electric one.

So, you don't have to plug it in. Brilliant.

And not just brilliant.

I've got a list here of the people

who are driving this car.

Not a made up list, this is for real.

Cameron Diaz has one of these cars.

Leonardo Di Caprio,

Donny Osmond, we'll skip over that, Alicia Silverstone,

Jane Fonda, Jeff Goldblum, Billy Joel,

move over that one, Ted Danson, Dennis Weaver,

David Duchovny, John Kettley,

the list goes on and on forever.

And yet, despite that, despite the incredible patronage,

I don't know, where do we put it?

Uncool. Uncool?

I'm thinking not Uncool.

I'm thinking not even Seriously Uncool.

I am thinking further down here.

I'm thinking way out of the lit part of the base,

in the deep dark recesses of hell.

But do you know what, Jeremy,

despite what the governments say,

despite what the environmentalists say,

it's not diesels and electric powered cars

that are going to excite the drivers of the future.

I went to a couple of schools to see which cars

the kids of today want to drive

and when I got in the classroom

they weren't drawing a Prius.

So to find out if kids still love super cars

like they've always done,

I lined up some breaktime treats.

A Ferrari 360, a Pagani Zonda,

a Nissan Skyline R34 GT-R

and finally, a TVR Tuscan.

Cool, look, there's a Ferrari!

Look at this one first, the red one, okay?

Ferrari, right.

Who drives one of these?

- David Beckham. - Michael Schumacher.

David Beckham. And they're made in what country?

- Italy. - Italy, okay.

- Shall we do some spellings? - No!

- Shall we look at the cars instead? - Yeah.

Okay. Can anyone guess how much money one of these costs?

- Seven-fifty... - Seven-fifty?

Right. A little bit more than that. Good guess though.

This would cost about the same amount as a house.

This costs £110,000 which is like

loads and loads of pocket money.

Right. Anybody know what car this is?

GT-R. Yeah, it's a Nissan Skyline GT-R.

Now these aren't made in Italy, these are made in...

Anybody know? Crockra?

Crockra, not heard of that place.

I heard someone say the name of this one. What's this one called?

- TVR. - TVR?

And do you know where are these made?

- Cyprus. - Cyprus?

They make them here! This car,

is made in a place called Blackpool.

- You want to hear it? - Yeah.

All right then. Ready?

This car will do 220 miles an hour.

This is actually called, it's a funny name,

it's called a Zonda.

How many houses do you think you could buy?

- Three. - Quite right.

Three houses.

This car costs £300,000.

Three, two, one.

Cor.

One car that I'd like to show you

before you decide...

Yeah, if you look behind you.

Here it is, the old stager, the undefeated champion

of the bedroom wall posters... The Lamborghini Countach.

This car rocks!

Put your hand up if you think that the red Ferrari...

When the kids had covered every inch of the paintwork.

Right, hands up for the TVR. Who likes the TVR most?

In fifth place was the Nissan, with five points.

Fourth place was the TVR, with 11 points.

Third place, the Ferrari.

Second place, the Zonda, 16 points.

The Zonda was second.

The winner is the Lamborghini with 41 points.

Excellent.

So Jason, did any of those children go on

about the environment at all?

Ah, no. You see, the thing is, when we arrived

and we put those cars on the playground,

you saw it, they came out of the classrooms

and their eyes were like saucers.

When we started them up, they just went to another place.

It was fantastic and the strange thing was,

it was the Counctach, it was the oldest,

the dirtiest car of the lot that fired them up the most.

Which could be bad news for the future.

But not necessarily because there is a way

that any petrol car, the Countach,

anything can be converted

to be more environmentally friendly.

And we are going to demonstrate with this.

It's a Bristol.

Clunking great V8 engined car.

But it has been converted to run on LPG, that's gas.

Which is good news for the environment.

It's cleaner burning and it's actually cheaper too

and it doesn't cost a fortune to do it either.

No, you can convert pretty much any petrol engine

for about £1,500.

And the thing is that gas is so much cheaper,

when you've done about 20,000 miles

you will have recouped the money

you have actually spent on the conversion.

Great, so we all win, us, the environment, everybody's happy.

But there is a problem.

The gas is only so cheap because

the government has frozen the tax on it

to keep it cheap.

And they have promised to do that until 2004.

So what happens then?

When they suddenly say "Let's bung some tax on it after all."

- They did it with diesel, didn't they? - Yeah.

What if they do that again?

We're all stuffed.

We've converted our cars to run on LPG

and we've got to pay for it.

So whether or not to convert your car to run on gas

depends on one thing.

Do you trust the government?

No.

No, I'll tell you what.

The funniest thing for me about the government

is that they recently decided to judge

how much company car tax you pay

on how much carbon dioxide comes out of the back.

What a stupid thing.

It's not a killer gas. We've got this chart here, okay?

And this shows where carbon dioxide comes from.

95.5% comes from nature.

Do they go round taxing farmers

for their flocks of cows?

Do they tax Mount Etna every time it blows up?

It's ridiculous.

Only this little orange sliver here comes from man.

And of that, 34% from power stations.

People charging up their electric cars.

And then you've got 14% from domestic use.

Potterton's Boilers, tax THEM out of business.

Look what they're doing

because only 13% of that little tiny bit there

comes from cars.

Ridiculous. But we have the rules

and it's our job on Top Gear

to show you a way round them.

And that's where this comes in, okay?

A Lotus Elise, now this does 40 miles to the gallon.

Forty, but it's in the same tax bracket as a Ford Fiesta.

It is.

So, it obeys the letter of the law perfectly.

But the spirit? No.

Not even slightly.

This, of course, is the new Elise,

which you can have with the normal 1.8 litre-engine

that's easy to tune and tinker with.

But this version, the 111S, has a sealed-for-life 1.8,

with all sorts of complicated trickery like variable valve timing.

It offers up 156 brake horsepower,

zero-to-60 in five seconds,

and a top speed of 132.

So how come then, it's so economical

and so kind to the environment?

How does it do that, hmm? How?

The key is weight. This car weighs less than the driver.

So it doesn't need much fuel to move it around.

Put it like this, you don't need

a rocket motor to move a souffle.

Lotus never fitted the old Elise

with electric windows.

Not because they were too expensive

but because the motors were too heavy.

And they never fitted carpets either and yet this one,

this one has the full Wilton

and air conditioning and a CD player, and leather.

So does this mean, then, that Lotus has sold out a bit?

No.

See these new wheels that they've fitted?

Delicate, aren't they? Delicate and light.

Specifically, six kilograms lighter

than they used to be on the old car.

So, even with all the new luxuries,

the whole car in total only weighs 760 kilograms.

That's about the same as a Mercedes headrest.

And with the extra power in the boot,

it should be even more fun to drive.

Great.

The old Elise was described by many as.

"The best-handling car in the world",

and initially, this doesn't disappoint either.

Oh, this steering is still just as good as ever.

It's so delicate, and so much feel.

You could run over an insect

and know just from the messages coming through the wheel

how many legs it had.

Was it a beetle? Or was it a spider?

Hang on, spider.

So what about the handling?

Oh, understeer. Big understeer.

I know the old Elise was very twitchy,

and some people were scared by that.

So they fitted narrower tyres

on this one to reduce front-end grip,

but I don't think they've reduced it.

They completely removed it.

Here we are, coming up to the Hammerhead now.

Okay, turn in, no power.

Oh, Lord.

Have you ever seen understeer like this?

Oh, dear.

Slide! Slide!

And if you do go mad and kick the rear end out,

you end up facing the way you came.

In a cloud of smoke.

So, on the evidence we've seen so far,

not a particularly good car.

But this is Gavin Kershaw, he's from Lotus

and he says there's nothing wrong with the car,

the problem was my driving.

So he offered to take me out on our track

and show me how it should be done.

So you're the chief chassis man at Lotus?

One of the principal chassis engineers, yes.

- And you live in Norfolk. - Yep.

- So you got a girlfriend? - I have got a girlfriend.

How many wheels has she got?

Goodness.

Well, I was going to say how many legs has she got?

Same thing.

I couldn't make it do that.

How are you doing it? Why doesn't it just understeer?

You have to be very gentle with it. It defies physics.

Coming down this corner,

put on the brakes, then flick it in and lift.

God.

Not flat out through here.

Why've you made it more understeery

than the old Elise?

Because we're selling 3,000 cars,

we have to cater for all drivers.

We make the chassis so if you don't know

how to drive, you can play with it.

I could vomit on you now.

I'm really considering vomiting on you.

I can go off people.

I'm really quite impressed,

and actually quite depressed at how I couldn't do that and how you can.

We're going round that Hammerhead corner again.

Oversteer in. Oversteer.

Into the tyres.

You were so close to the tyres, man.

- Can we go home now? - Yeah.

It's not big nor clever to drive like that, is it?

Are you impressed, girls, with driving like that? Yes.

You are? All right. Move to Norfolk, then. They all do that.

The thing is, though, I don't live in Norfolk.

I have a life.

So, how do I kill the understeer

if I were to buy a car like that?

We can supply optional bigger front tyres

so even you won't get understeer.

- Really, you can sell me big tyres? - Yes.

- That would solve it? Brilliant. - Yup.

So all we need do now is see how fast

it goes round our track.

Unleash the Stig.

And he's off.

Of course, for the Stig, oversteer

and understeer are not really the issue.

To get the best time, he needs to keep it nice and tidy.

And here we are into the first corner.

Look at that. Even in the wet, it's as smooth as silk.

Look at him, really enjoying the Elise's stereo here.

So here he is at the Hammerhead.

This corner was designed by Lotus.

The Elise should be good through here, and it is.

None of the slithering about

we had from the Honda NSX last week.

You know, this car is on for a seriously fast time.

I mean really fast.

And look at The Stig,

he's hardly having to work at that wheel.

It's all so easy.

If you know what you're doing,

this is such a well-balanced car.

So, for the fifth week on the trot,

The Stig had to go round in the rain.

But the time was astonishing.

One minute, 35 seconds.

That's the same as a Ferrari 575,

and it only has a 1.8 litre engine.

However, let's not get carried away.

It is not the most environmentally friendly car

that money can buy.

Because that is.

Jason, Richard, do the honours.

This is a Peugeot 607.

And the reason why it's so green is simple.

It's awful. It's dreadful.

If you bought one of these,

I guarantee you'd never drive it anywhere.

Right. Now, it's time to put a star

in our reasonably-priced car.

He's been on Top of the Pops 105 times.

But now, he's on Top of the Gear.

Ladies and gentlemen, from Status Quo, Rick Parfitt.

How are you? Have a seat.

You're not the ideal guest

to have on in environmental week, I have to be honest.

No. Not really, no.

We went through some of your singles

and hits over the years in the office last night.

We didn't find a single environmental lyric

- in any of them. - No. None at all.

It's just about love and stuff like that and kissing

and all that sort of dopey stuff, you know.

- Yeah, well. And it sells. - It certainly does.

- Erm, new album? - Yep.

- Heavy Traffic. - Yeah.

- Inspired by this? - Aptly named, isn't it?

No, it wasn't inspired by anything, really.

But I mean, this is unbelievable, isn't it?

When it first went in, I remember thinking...

It's a bottleneck going into Heathrow.

Europe's biggest city.

To put that in there, to take a lane away

from us, I think it's disgraceful.

This is the M4.

You've had some bad times on the M4, haven't you?

- Me? - Yeah.

I had a shunt on the M3, it was. Yeah.

- Was the M3? - It kind changed my whole view about driving.

I kind of became sensible after that

and I kind of stick to the speed limit now.

- Bit boring, you know. - Really?

Like a cup of tea after a concert.

A cup of tea and go to bed.

Real rock'n'roll. But I do.

I feel these days a license is a precious thing.

It certainly is to me

and I know it is to a lot of other people.

And I really don't want to lose it any more.

- I've lost it three times. - Three times?

And in great circumstances.

- Really? Were they? - Well, the last one certainly was, yeah.

I was doing an estimated 120 mph down the M3.

I don't know what speed I was going

because I was actually asleep.

- Is that where you stuffed it? - Yeah, I was very lucky.

I think had it been in anything lesser

than a Porsche,

I probably wouldn't be sitting here now, but I was very lucky.

It kind of spun. It was like 4:00 in the morning

and so fortunately nobody else

was around or involved.

But I ended up in a field,

and just sat there merrily sleeping.

I didn't wake up at all.

So what was it that first turned you onto Porsches?

I had a Mini Cooper S,

in the early days which is one of my all-time favourite cars.

It still is, you know, with the twin tanks.

I'm really rather brought down actually

with the new one, the new Cooper S

that it hasn't got the twin tanks.

I know, like Jags should have twin tanks.

I agree. A common tank. It would be great.

However, I was sitting on the lights on the A3,

when the A3 used to have lights

and it's a complete straight piece of road,

and the Cooper S I'd had it kind of bored out

and shaven and the Recaro racing seat,

the straight-through, you know, it was a real tool.

So this thing pulls up beside me this night

and I am really looking forward to this burn away

from the lights and this thing just went away from me

and I had no idea what it was.

I later found out, I caught it up at the next set of lights

and it was a Porsche and I thought, I've got to have one.

And luckily enough I've been in the position

where I can afford a Porsche.

And so I got one and I've had 10, 11 of them since then.

- Eleven Porsches? - Yeah.

Are you still on them now?

No I'm not. Because since I had the accident

my mum, bless her, she's passed away now,

but she said "For Christ's sake, don't buy another Porsche,"

and I haven't.

I've never had another one.

I've never driven another one.

Seven, eight years now since I've driven a Porsche.

Didn't she ever say, "Why don't you give up

"the booze and the drugs?"

Because probably that was

causing the accidents more than the car?

- Just a thought. - She was a sensible woman, my mum.

Anyway, of course, the reason you're here is this.

This is our Suzuki lap times. You've been out there, you've had a go. How did it go?

Well, I mean it was... It was great fun, actually.

Would you like to see how you did?

- Yeah, I would. - Okay, everyone, here we go.

Play the tape.

Rick Parfitt in a reasonably-priced car

for the first time in 30 years and you're off.

- It's a dry track. - It started out dry.

It started out dry. How was this coming up to the...

Lights on.

Smooth. Oh, what was that?

What was that noise I just heard? Have you broke our...

- I probably broke wind. - Yes.

What are those gloves you've got on there?

They've got Jason King holes in the knuckles.

I know. And they're from Harrods.

Here we go, across the line after this corner.

Ooh, quite sprightly.

It felt so much faster than that when you're in the car...

- That was quite fast. - It felt so fast.

I've got the time.

These are the times we've had so far. Dry track.

So, really we can sort of say these are,

Tara, 1:54, this Ross Kemp, 1:54,

- Jonathan Ross. - Yeah.

Pathetic, frankly.

- You... Ready? - I'm feeling quite nervous about this.

Rick P., cos I'm not going to get it on,

- one minute... - At least I'm in the one.

...52 seconds.

Lovely.

- That's just after Coogan. - It is.

- He's not going to be happy. - That's great.

Coogan is not gonna be happy.

But the thing is, everybody,

it wasn't an entirely incident-free time

- you had out there, was it? - Not entirely, no.

- Who'd like to see what happened? - Yes.

Okay, can we play that?

Let's watch Rick coming through

the second-to-last corner and...

Oh, dear.

Beautiful... Oh, no, there's more. Back on.

Across the line sideways.

Beautifully done.

I did actually see one of the camera crews

when we were out on the far side of the track,

and I think it was on the fastest lap I did,

and as I am approaching

you could literally see him sort of going like that. Whoa.

The extraordinary thing is that nearly every celebrity

has been off on that corner

and the crews have now learned.

Director goes, "Cover that corner?"

"No!" "Who's coming this week, Rick Parfitt? No!"

- Definitely not. - Definitely not.

Ladies and gentlemen, Rick Parfitt.

This week's insider trading news.

Now, a couple of weeks ago,

we promised that you would

be getting some cracking deals on new cars.

Now, you remember, we talked about

the Suzuki Liana, not £9,995.

A dealer e-mailed us and said it was £7,995.

The fight is on.

This week I was e-mailed by another dealer.

Fiat Stilo, the 1.6 Active, five-door car.

That car normally is £11,700.

Guess what they're offering that car at?

I've no idea. £10,500?

- £7,995. - That's insane.

It's four grand off.

That's a big saving.

Now, quick question. You know this.

What is the cheapest new car you can buy?

Well, Jason, it's the Perodua Kelisa at £4,999.

No, wrong.

This week I was offered a brand new Ford KA

for £4,995.

That's fantastically cheap.

So that's like four quid cheaper...

Yeah, but that car new normally is £6,600

and when they brought the KA out in

when was it, three or four years ago,

it was £8,000 and didn't have power steering.

- That car now is £4,995. - Why?

Well, basically, we said it before,

the dealers have got targets to hit.

And the way it works with Ford is

that they give a retrospective bonus.

They give you a percentage on all of the cars you've sold.

Now if a dealer has got a target of 1,000 cars

they can stand to lose tens of thousands of pounds

if they don't get that target.

- If they don't... - If they don't sell those cars, they could lose £100,000.

- So the last few... - Yes, sell them at a loss.

They're actually selling those cars at a loss.

So the minute they hit those targets, fine,

they won't care anymore, they will put them back up.

£4,995, that is seriously cheap.

But I got an even bigger discount this week.

Isuzu Trooper,

big car, they're bringing some new ones out next year,

and they've also got a few of the old ones in stock.

Now, those cars need to be registered

before the end of this year

because they don't hit the emissions targets for next year.

So they, what,

literally couldn't register them in this country?

Exactly. You'd have to send them back,

send them back to the factory.

- Bargain around the corner. - The 3.5 V6 Citation,

proper car with seven seats, is normally £27,000.

- Yes? - £18,995.

- Good grief. That's enormous. - Brand new out the box.

And that's because the dealers are stuck.

There aren't many of them around

but if you go into a dealer and find one with

the current models, register it before

the end of the year, you will get a storming deal on it.

Right, well, earlier on, Jeremy introduced us

to our various men of faith.

And this is it.

Now it's time to find out just which is the fastest faith.

It had been raining but now the sun had come out.

Which you kind of expected it to with this lot around.

And the track was dry and that

was a good thing because this was the car they'd be driving.

The car? Well, it's based on a Subaru STI

but with a little bit more to it.

It's been modified.

It's got a performance engine.

Suspension. Exhaust. The whole lot, really.

Over 330 brake horsepower.

Nought to 60 in 4.5 seconds.

It's brutal, this is a proper rally car. They're gonna enjoy this.

But only after they'd received guidance from

the Prince of Darkness himself, The Stig.

First to go for the Hare Krishnas was Mark Lee.

Three, two, one, go.

And he gave it everything.

All right. It's surprisingly aggressive.

He's a little bit nervous because it's a powerful car.

- It is. - But, hopefully,

in the back of his mind, he'll be kind of calm.

- Right, well, let's give him that support. - Absolutely.

I can't believe you came in a group, that's great.

Oh, he's going well.

This is some pretty committed driving.

I just want him to make this corner...

Yeah. He did it.

Ooh, my word, he's gone.

Oh, my word.

Next up, Rabbi Pini Dunner, the 2CV crasher.

Three, two, one.

Due to the Rabbi's lack of experience,

The Stig offered to act as co-driver on his timed lap.

I think we need some big inter-denominational support.

Come on!

But the collective goodwill of all religions

wasn't enough to keep him on the racing line

of righteousness.

So, could Rigzin the Vajrayana Buddhist do better?

I should make it clear that I have never done anything

like this in my life ever.

His Elders had instructed him to drive

at the speed of light,

and he was taking them quite literally.

Even the Zen Master, Stig, was impressed.

But would he be impressed with the Bishop of Lewes?

Much better.

Next up, the hot favourite,

the Reverend Antony Feltham-White

from Revelation Racing.

And he didn't disappoint.

Second gear, apex this one early.

Get it in, get it in, get it in.

Push it hard.

Who's got the nerve? Who's got the nerve?

Hard on brakes, take it in, take the bend early.

Take the bend early.

Look at that go.

Ah, ah. Yes.

That was scarily good.

A truly biblical lap from the Church of England.

But the Roman Catholic Church was equally determined.

Go.

Looked committed. I think he means business.

No.

Now, I have the results here,

but before we get to that,

this is the car they were driving. Okay?

We told the people we'd borrowed it from

they were just a few vicars.

Couldn't possibly come to any harm.

Look at this! Look at this down here.

And look what happened underneath.

Smashed off and broken.

So, which one of you lot is responsible?

Come on, own up.

The bishop. The bishop is responsible.

Now, who...

Who would like to see how he did it?

- Yes. - Play the tape.

Well, there we are. How do you feel?

Unrepentant.

Very good.

Right, time for the results.

- Richard, will you care to join me. - Oh yes.

In last place, and sadly not here at work,

Mark Lee from Hare Crashna, as it's now known.

One minute 56 seconds.

In fifth place, Rabbi Pini Dunner.

You did crash. How surprised can you be? With one minute 55.

In fourth place, from the Buddhists,

it's Rigzin, forgive me from being abbreviative, well done,

one minute 45 seconds.

And in third place,

despite ruining the car that we borrowed...

Bishop Wallace Benn, Church of England,

of course, one minute 42 seconds.

So last two, it's a straight two cornered fight between

the Roman Catholic church and the Church of England.

And it's the 16th century all over again.

The Catholics come in second.

Father Simon Thompson with one minute 40,

which means the winner...

The fastest faith is the Church of England,

and the Reverend Antony Feltham-White.

And Jason...

Thank you very much.

Oh. Delightful.

And that is pretty much the end of the show.

Looking at the bus lane.

No, still nothing going on there,

I think next week we won't bother doing anything to do

with the environment.

In fact, I think we might kick a couple of barn owls

to death just for fun.

In fact, we are going to be doing drivers cars.

Four hundred horsepower is the minimum level for entry.

We are also going to be turning our Suzuki Liana

into an Aga and a Lada into a Lotus.

See you then. Goodnight.

Subtitles modified from MTOD transcript Ripped by GLUE of QxR Edited/corrected for TGCC v2 by AlexGRFan97