Original subtitles

In tonight's Top Gear,

evidence that the French have gone mad.

Evidence that the Germans have gone mad.

And, as an oasis of sanity, the grannies are back.

But first, look at our set!

We've got cushions, we've got flowers, we've got chocolates,

I've got some breath freshener.

And that's because the star

we have tonight in our reasonably-priced car may look like a boy,

but he is in fact called Tara.

And that, I suppose, makes him a girl.

But this is still a car programme, so the cars.

The Honda NSX, not a spectacular success story.

It may well have been developed by Ayrton Senna, but last year they sold

eight. So they've given it a facelift.

Well, a new set of headlamps anyway, and produced this Type R version

which is lighter and stiffer.

And, they're currently trying to decide

whether or not they should sell it in Britain,

so they rang us up and they said,

"Your Stig, if we ship one of these over from Japan,

"could he take it out on your track and do a rap in it?"

We said no, he prefers easy listening... Oh, a lap!

Oh, right, a lap! Yes, happy to oblige.

I doubt very much it'll break the record set by the Westfield,

one minute 23 seconds.

It may be light but it's not that light.

And the engine may have clever valves,

but it's still only a 3.2-litre V6.

And, of course, look at that weather! That's atrocious once again.

Oh, Stig! Ralph McTell this week, Streets of London.

And that's very sideways. Oh, and he's nearly off the track there!

The only way this car really stands a chance

is if its chassis is some kind of wonder thing.

Ooh, and look at that.

That's a nice piece of driving though, Stig.

The old NSX was very good most of the time, but at the minute,

it was as forgiving as that guard who put Alec Guinness in a box.

What's this one like?

Very heavy braking, turns in... he's fighting!

Right, one corner to go, 1:23 to beat.

Sideways. And it's 1:33.

That is fantastic.

1:33, That makes it uh, two seconds faster than a Ferrari 575.

And three seconds faster than the Aston Martin Vanquish. That's fabulous.

- And, bear in mind, you know, the dry track and everything. - Oh.

Take four seconds off for a dry track, that's a quick car.

I mean, that was a very wet track and The Stig really was trying.

- Oh, my word! - Ooh!

He was a bit close to those tyres.

Nearly as bad as the Aston Martin Vanquish crashing.

One of these days, he's going to kill himself,

we are going to need a new Stig.

- A replacement Stig. - Yeah.

Nevertheless, crash aside, it is a very, very fast car. There's the time, to prove it.

So on the strength of that, I think they should bring it into this country.

So I think they should bring it over here.

- Sell it in Britain? - Yeah.

Actually that's not what we're talking about tonight.

We don't care how fast cars go tonight,

we don't care what they look like.

What we care is whether they're cool or not.

Let's try to explain, is, think of it like this.

It's a bit like What Not To Wear.

You are Trinny, and I am Susannah.

Takes some imagining, that.

Why are you laughing?

I am exactly like Susannah Constantine.

People are always mistaking me for her in the streets.

Embarrassing.

The thing is, I don't think Trinny and Susannah would much care for the NSX.

It's very, very clever,

but it's like one of those expensive amplifiers you buy for your hi-fi,

clever, but a bit nerdy.

Now, this. This is much more a Trinny and Susannah car.

It's the new Renault Vel Satis,

a completely weird-looking thing,

no getting away from that, especially round at the back.

But beneath the, I have to say quite cool exterior,

it's a five-seater rival for the BMW 5 Series.

Prices start around £20,000 for the two-litre version.

It's a car for businessmen,

so, I thought it would be a good idea

to take it to the epicentre of the executive hotel

in the crease-free business lifestyle trouser, Swindon.

This is the M4 corridor.

Lots of businessmen here going about their business in a businesslike fashion.

Look at him! Look at that!

Rushing off to a business meeting at Diodine Systems.

Talk about his back end with a chap from losealotofmoney.com.

Marvellous.

Whatever the businessman wants from his car while he is driving down the motorway,

he's going to find it in the Vel Satis.

It's very quiet, very comfortable, very solid

and with all this wood everywhere,

it's like driving along in Arthur Negus.

There's power too. In the outside lane, it'll dance with the best of them.

This version with the 3.5-litre V6 will do 147 miles an hour.

And here we are.

Turn-off 15, the gateway to Swindon.

And, oh, dear, on normal roads,

the soft ride means everything starts to fall apart.

A few miles of this and I'd be fast asleep.

Except I wouldn't be,

because every time it runs over a pothole or a cat's eye

or a groove in the road of some kind,

there's an almighty crash and a shudder.

And you wake up.

It's very annoying.

It's capable of going fast

in the same way that Queen Victoria was capable of running,

it just doesn't seem to like it very much.

So, if you're late for a business meeting,

you're better off using a pogo stick.

Or going on your hands and knees.

The Vel Satis is like an avocado, funny skin and mostly soft,

but with a surprising rock-hard stone in the middle.

As a car then, it isn't very good.

But will the styling

compensate for that here at a safari park for the men in suits?

A Swindon business park.

I haven't had chance to explore yet,

but I know exactly what's going to be here,

because it will be the same as every other business park.

There'll be a lot of smoked glass,

all the trees will be four feet high

because they're the same age as the buildings.

The plants, well, they exist only in business parks,

you won't find them in any textbook...

Er, there'll be a puddle masquerading as a lake.

There'll be a sort of central structure in the middle,

a focal point to give a sense of community.

Erm... what else?

Speed bumps.

Hundreds.

Hundreds and hundreds of speed bumps.

They'll be everywhere.

More smoked glass, more smoked glass.

More... oh, there's a speed bump.

Here's a plant that would stump Titchmarsh.

He'd have no idea what that was. None at all.

And there's a very small puddle which I bet they call the lake.

Now, all we need to find now is the central structure,

something to give me a sense of belonging here.

Oh, speed bump!

No, look, it's there, it's a windmill!

Speed bump.

A windmill!

Well, whoever would have thought it would be there?

That's nice, that's very nice.

This car is completely stumped by speed bumps.

It has a truly hopeless ride.

But that is not its biggest problem.

All this is.

This is what the businessman wants, conformity.

A water fountain,

a normal secretary called Janet, and a normal desk.

He likes to blend.

How many businessmen have you ever seen in a lime green suit?

That means he wants a normal car

with a boot and a bonnet and a roof in between,

not something that appears to have come

from the mind of Gerry Anderson.

It's all very well, matching

the indentation in the fuel filler cap

to the indentations in the bumper,

and having a credit card instead of a key.

And I'm sure people in trendy Bono glasses

will appreciate the zig-zaggy rear end and the unusual nose.

Renault, however, should know that British businessmen don't like wacky and radical.

This is Renault's old store centre in Swindon.

Amazing, isn't it?

Amazing and empty.

Today, no one wants it.

- You know what? - Go on.

I'm not a businessman and I love the looks of this car.

So, would you buy one?

No, 'cause it's a rubbish car.

But, actually, I know the best way to describe it.

You know Indian food?

Okay. Not the stuff you get in Indian restaurants in England.

I'm talking about Indian food, okay?

It's not very good quality meat so that's why it has that very powerful sauce on it.

And that's what this is, poor quality meat, very powerful sauce on the top.

It's a sort of Renault Jalfrezi.

And the thing is,

this isn't just a one-off Ron Davies moment of madness either.

It's across the range because this is the new Megane.

And from the front, yeah, it looks pretty conventional.

It's pretty conventional under the bonnet.

You can have a 1.4, 1.6 or 2-litre petrol engine or a 1.9-litre diesel.

Prices are conventional too, starting from £10,500-15,500.

I have driven it.

I would love to be able to say it was entirely conventional to drive

but frankly, it struggles to get there.

It is a bit poor.

But it's just been voted International Car of the Year

and I can only imagine that it did that

because the judges forgot to look at the back.

They've gone completely berserk!

This is a Renault Double Foul.

If you want berserk, then you want to look at this, though!

This is the Renault Avantime.

Now, this is meant to be a coupé.

Look there is no pillars, but they've built it on the platform of an MPV.

I think it's absolutely fantastic.

You're joking!

I adore this car.

I actually was talking to the Renault design boss the other day.

I said I am actually thinking of buying one and he was like, "Buying one?"

"Erm... Right."

And he said, "Well, if you are,

do get in touch and we'll see if we can build one properly for you."

No, seriously, he did!

Well, some of my sources said that actually, the early cars,

the pre-production models, they had a problem with the strength in here

because obviously there is no B-pillar

and the cars were actually kind of flexing in the middle.

I just don't care.

You know, for £24,000, if you want a four-seater car,

bit of style, you just can't beat this.

The only thing I would say, don't go for the red or the blue, okay?

It's too boring.

Go for the metallic kind of mushy-pea green with the silver roof. Mwah!

You're weird!

A few weeks ago,

we set out to prove that older people can drive well.

So, we got together a group of grannies and here are a few of them now.

And we got them to do this.

Harder, that's good.

Keep it there, keep it there, keep it there.

And they were all so good, we thought we'd try something a little bit trickier.

We're back today with Russ Swift and the grannies.

And today, we're going to teach them to do handbrake parking.

If you don't know what handbrake parking is, watch this.

What do you reckon, girls, you gonna do it?

Yes, yes. Why not? Have a go!

They clearly haven't got a clue what they're about to try.

Russ, you're the king of parallel parking.

So, you make it look very easy, but actually, there's quite a lot to it.

So, what are we going to be teaching the grannies?

I am going to get the girls to come from this direction

and then turn in between this gap here, pull on the handbrake,

and then slide the car sideways in between the two cars.

So they are actually going to turn the whole car around?

It's going to spin the car through 180 degrees.

- And it's all on the handbrake? - On the handbrake, yes.

So, what's the hardest part of this?

There is lots of aspects to it.

You have to get the speed right.

If you go too fast, you end up sliding backwards into the vehicle behind.

If you don't get enough speed up,

you wont get enough rotation to get through 180 degrees

and then it's just a matter of putting the handbrake on

at the right time to end up in the space.

- He's going quite fast. - He is, he is.

Oh, no!

I can't wait to find out how you all got on.

But we're gonna come back later and find out, all right?

I've got to do The News.

- All right. - See you later. Bye.

Indeed, let's do some news.

And first up this week,

Nissan apparently are coming back to motor sport. Back?

Back, I didn't know they had ever been.

Have Nissan ever been in motor sport?

- Yeah. - What do you mean?

- Le Mans. - Le Mans? Where's that?

Le Mans.

Did they win? You don't know.

Anyway, they're coming back, not to Le Mans.

They are, in fact, taking part in the Dakar Rally using a pickup truck.

I have got a picture of it here:

But we're not particularly interested in the car,

what we are interested in are the people who will be driving it.

They're all completely gay-looking.

Look at their arms and this pose and everything!

And their outfits.

Do they know what the Dakar Rally is like?

It's very rough out there and sandy and gritty and it ruins you skin.

It's awful.

They'll have spare tyres and the hand cream, facial scrub.

He's not going to be looking like that when he gets back!

That's for sure.

Anyway, we wish you all the very best, duckies.

Right.

Talking about cars and girls, erm, MX-5.

I quite like these, actually. They have been around for a lot of time.

But they've just brought out a limited edition. It's £16,995.

How much is a normal one?

£15,500, so 1,500 more.

So, for basically £1,500 and what do you get for your 1,500 quid?

A few bits and pieces. What have you got?

You have got special leather seats.

Nice.

- Well, they are worth about 60 quid. - Okay.

A Nardi two-tone steering wheel.

£65.

Leather handbrake lever.

£67.50.

- Two-tone gear knob. - £68.

A Trilogy badge scuff plate.

£68.20.

Oh, and some chrome air vents.

Oh, right, well, let's make it a nice round £70.

And you get a solid silver key ring

with three little chips of diamond.

- Quarter carat diamonds. - How much are they worth?

Well, probably about 70 quid scrap, aren't they?

So that's, what, a couple of hundred quid for the key fob?

A couple of hundred quid, so, £270 and they are charging an extra?

£1,500.

- Probably best to avoid that one, then. - Yeah.

Not good value.

Have you seen the film Fast & Furious?

Yes, it is the worst film ever made by a human being.

What do you mean, "No?"

He turns out in a hat...

You like Fast & Furious in that hat?

Okay. My case rests.

Fast And Furious was made for people in hats like that.

Yeah.

It was shocking. I tell you what it was.

It was basically a group of people in hats like that,

driving around in ludicrous, improbable, very fast American cars.

Well, they're making another. Hoorah!

But they have got it sussed. They have got it sorted.

They obviously looked around and thought,

"Well, the cars we used in the last one

must not be very good 'cause the film was rubbish.

We'll sort this out and make it better."

They looked around. Bond's got an Aston Martin, hasn't he?

And there is Jags in that film.

They must have worked their way down a fairly lengthy list of manufacturers

because they've ended up with this Hyundai Elantra.

Oh, my! Look at that!

See how the wheels don't fit!

No, that's the car they are using

- that's gonna rescue Fast & Furious? - That's going to save it.

And you called it... what?

Hyoon-dai. Bless you.

You know, I was in America a couple of years ago

filming at this place in Texas which is the biggest car dealership in the world.

The frontage is a mile long.

And I said to the guy who owned it, "What do you sell here?"

And he went, "We sell a lot."

And he mispronounced every single car there.

Hundi, Mitsa-booshi...

Teyoda, Nee-sarn, Jagwaarr...

Bee emm dubya.

Every single one of them was wrong.

- And you call that... - Hyun...

I prefer Hyundai.

Very good.

Anyway, there you go, Fast And Furious II,

starring a Hyundai.

- I'd watch it. - Great.

Renault Vel Satis.

- Oh, yes. - Mmm-hmm.

We saw it earlier on and we decided it's a stylish car, didn't we?

Okay. Well, it's now been voted Tow Car of the Year. Eh?

Oh, it gets better, this.

But this is the best thing, right?

You say, "No, I am going to buy a Renault because I like the style."

It's the only reason for buying that car is 'cause it's stylish.

And you go and whack a double-axle Buccaneer on the back of it.

Why?

Your street cred is gone, but the best thing I love about this is why it's the best tow car

and they compared it to a Range Rover V8,

a Mercedes Benz ML 500 and, well, a Nissan Terrano,

that's another four-wheel drive thing and they say that's better,

so I had a look to see why the Tow Car of the Year jury's done it

and they say it's because, and I'm quoting,

"It's got automatic headlamps, wipers, and an F1-style integrated fuel filler cap."

Right, big news from BMW because they have launched

a new two-seater roadster to replace the Z3.

They got in touch and said, "Would you like to drive it?"

And I said, "Well, no, not if it's anything like the Z3,

"because, well, that was a bit girly, really.

"Look."

Well, they said, "What if we took you to Portugal,

"put you up in a posh hotel and filled you full of expensive food?

"Then would you drive it?"

"Yeah. Go on, then."

The problem with the Z3 was that,

well, it looked as though it had everything it needed to make up a sportscar,

that long bonnet and two seats right over the rear wheels.

It's just that when you got in it, it didn't quite deliver.

For a start, you were perched on top, sitting too high in it,

rather than slung low down in it.

And then when you got rough with it,

which you've got to, it's a sports car, it came over all wobbly.

So, BMW really are chasing the macho vote with the Z4.

It's bigger, bolder, and much more substantial,

an angry-looking collection of angles, curves, and intersecting lines.

From some views, it kind of resembles a rhino, or is that just me?

Now, note something, it is the Z4, not the new Z3.

Well, they don't replace the BMW 3-Series

with the BMW 4-Series, do they?

Clearly, BMW wanted to start all over again with a completely new car,

so, clearly, there was something wrong with the old one.

One thing it did do very, very well was sell.

But then if we're honest,

you could stick a BMW badge on a dead cat and people would still buy it.

People are already buying the Z4 now without ever seeing it.

Thirty grand and they've never even tried it on!

You did get that, didn't you?

Thirty grand.

At least 30 grand.

That's a big price hike.

There are two engines available, both straight sixes,

a two-and-a-half litre or a three-litre.

You can have a five-speed or a six-speed manual, and the six-speed manual box,

it's a proper mechanical process, changing gear.

And it sounds great!

There's something about the yowl of a straight six!

It stirs the blood.

The new image, and more importantly,

price tag, pitch the Z4 into an entirely different market.

Suddenly, it's not enough just be a bit of fluffy fun.

It's going to be on a list that includes the Audi TT Roadster,

and the Porsche Boxster, yikes!

It just has plenty of grip,

really, an awful lot of grip,

almost too much.

I'm not even taxing the traction control, that's just pure grip.

I'm gonna get scared before this thing stops gripping.

I'll keep trying.

I really like roadsters. I even like the name, Roadster.

It's got a kind of devil-may-care flamboyance to it and it says a lot about the car,

because you can't measure roadsters on paper against one another.

You can't decide this is better than that because the figures say so.

A roadster is about the whole experience.

It's about the look, the sound, the feel of it.

You know, I think they've cracked it.

It's not as quick as a Porsche Boxster, fact.

But so? That doesn't rule it out. And anyway, you'd expect this to be good.

This is a Z4, not a Z3.

This is one louder.

Right. This is the cool board, which is something I've just thought of.

Okay? Perfectly simple.

We've divided a range of cars into four categories.

Seriously Uncool.

That would be the Chrysler PT Cruiser and the Volkswagen Beetle.

Uncool, various stuff, lots of Vauxhalls and Fords and so on.

Cool, well, I mean, the Range Rover, obviously.

And the Citroen C3.

And then Sub-Zero.

That's absolutely freezing and we've got the Vanquish in that category.

Now this has got nothing at all to do

with what the car looks like or how it drives.

It's only to do with how cool it is.

And this Jeep Wrangler is a classic case in point, okay?

I've got to be a bit careful here

because it belongs to James over there,

who's one of our camera operators.

Now, I'm sorry, mate, it's hideous.

It's a horrible car to drive

and you've made it worse by jacking it up.

And you can stop laughing 'cause you've got a Porsche Boxster!

Anyway, glad you're here.

This is a good game because it really works

and some of them really aren't that obvious, like that thing.

For instance, the Hyundai Coupe, that's a really good car but it's a Hyundai.

It's uncool.

And we've got, oh, God, the Honda Civic Type R,

fantastic car to drive, it's uncool, you can't deny it.

Audi A2. Dreadful, dreadful car!

It wobbles when you turn the windscreen wiper on!

It rocks from side to...

Horrible, but somehow quite cool.

Can I just pull at your boyish enthusiasm here, though, Jeremy,

for this idea of what you've just thought up

but it was really nice of you to consult nobody at all.

He just merrily sticks pictures on and makes his own.

But I'm right! That's the important thing. They're all right.

I noticed, under uncool, that's a Ferrari 360, Jeremy.

That's a big Fiat.

It's a Ferrari, it's cool!

All right, back me up.

Is that not a cool car?

If you think it's cool...

Hands up if you think it's uncool.

Now hands up if you think it's cool?

Alright, thank you!

- The Z3, okay? - Yes.

- We all agree, really uncool. - Uncool.

No denying that. But you say the new Z4...

We have to put it down there, actually, because all BMWs are uncool, X5 in particular.

Particularly when they've got drug-dealer wheels, like this one!

Really, really uncool, man in pink shirt who has one.

Range Rover, on the other hand, fantastic car. Very cool.

You bought the wrong one! Sorry.

But you say you had a Z4...

That's a cool car.

It's more muscular, it's got presence.

You could go anywhere in that. It's a cool car. Right, fair enough.

First BMW since about 1976 that makes it into the cool category.

Now this is a case in point. Fiat Multipla.

- That's a really good one, cos... - No!

Well, it's ugly, hang on.

- It's ugly, yes, but it's cool! - It's definitely cool!

- It's cool? - No!

It's cool, it's going in the cool bit.

I'm with you on that one. I'm with you on that.

Lexus, I'm not taking any truck on that. I'm right again.

Lexus IS-200. Okay? Was a cool car.

Alan Partridge has got one!

- Not cool any more. - Uncool.

- Sorry, Lexus. - He's wrecked it.

I am going to get that sticker on there. There we are on there.

Now, this one, so uncool, we're going to have to...

Will it stick in there?

Yes, it sticks! Seriously uncool.

It's found its home!

Audi TT.

Well, it was...

Too many... precisely.

That's why, excuse me, the Volkswagen Beetle's down here,

got launched, we then had to wait a year for it to arrive.

If you're going to make a car a fashion statement, which they have, get it out now!

And the same thing with this.

It started here and it's moved along

and we think that right now, it's here.

And if you want one, you've got 20 minutes. Okay?

Because in 20 minutes, it's going to be here, okay?

- And then finally, the Renault Avantime. - Oh, no.

If you're gonna start going on about that...

You're not gonna... Jeremy! That is ridiculous.

Sub-zero.

Beyond the Mini, the Land Rover Defender and even the Vanquish.

That's the coolest car money can buy.

Don't argue.

Quite scary on that. Right, look.

Because there is a bit of debate going on in here

that you started with this thing what you thought up and stuck all the pictures on.

So, if you've got your own opinion on this, let us know.

Do this via our website.

Now, we've had 82,000 responses when we did something similarish with good-looking cars.

Some pretty hotly debated issues there.

Go on to our website, have a look around there and let us know what you think.

Agree with me, disagree with him.

Ford Focus is in the wrong category.

It should be there.

Do it now. Quickly. Or he'll have his way.

We're back with our grannies, and do you remember Sadie?

She was the star of our doughnut challenge.

Go, go, go, go, go, go!

Good girl, good girl! Brilliant, absolutely brilliant.

That was really good, Sadie.

But could she do a handbrake park?

Off you go now, up to 4,000 revs.

Look out, here it comes. It's Sadie.

- Come on, Sadie! - Come on!

Handbrake!

Next up, it was Joy.

- Right. - Now, this is going to be fun. Is she going to run us down?

Hand on the handbrake, ready. And don't do anything until I tell you.

- He's very, very patient. He's so patient. - He is.

Stop! Joy!

Oh, dear, was this a granny challenge too far?

Well, Anne was up next.

- Right, good luck Anne. - Go do it.

Faster. Faster, Anne. Faster. Go on.

And brake.

Well done! Whoo!

I can do it better than him!

Can Gwyneth beat that?

Keep going. Keep going. Faster.

Oh, dear.

- Ooh. - Here she comes.

Turn.

- Oh yes! - Beautiful!

Yeah!

She's on the grass!

Well done.

And finally, Beryl had a go.

On you go, Beryl!

Keep going, keep going, and keep going.

Turn! Handbrake!

Wo-ho!

Well done!

That went a bit skew-whiff!

So, you could do it. That's brilliant.

You can do doughnuts and you can handbrake turn.

I tell you what, next time there's a WI meeting, when you enter that car park,

it won't smell of ginger biscuits and sponge cake, it will be burning rubber!

Anyway thanks very much to our grannies.

Massive sports.

Big round of applause. Thank them.

Right, right, right, listen.

Tonight's show is all about fashion, it's all about cool.

So, there was only one star we could put in our reasonably-priced car.

Just a moment... that's better.

Ladies and gentlemen, let's meet her.

God Almighty! Tara Palmer-Tomkinson!

Hello. How are you?

- All right, thanks. - Have a seat.

Oh! Don't do that. You look like you're making a pass at me.

No, it's not. It's like having an anaesthetic in your mouth.

Anyway, what do you think? Cushions, flowers?

- Oh, look. You got me some lovely flowers. - £3.95.

- They're beautiful. - They are on the turn,

but they're just about okay. So, yeah, we have got those.

It's a lovely milk tray 'cause the lady loves.

Have one. Oh!

- Oh, Jeremy, that's awful. - Jason!

You've eaten the chocolates again!

That's terrible.

I'll eat the potpourri.

- No, no, Jason will be after that afterwards. - Oh!

- Driving. - Yes.

You and I have met before in a car.

This was on old Top Gear and this was old Tara.

It was a long time ago, wasn't it?

Yeah. Shall we just remind ourselves

what Tara's like behind the wheel of a car? All right?

- Let's have a look at this. - Oh, no.

- Don't look at the shops. - Okay.

- Chanel, these are good shops... - I just want to see if they've changed Gucci windows.

And I just want to show everyone that these are the shoes I'm driving in.

Oh, I've had my hazard lights on the whole time!

No, you haven't. You just kicked them on while demonstrating your shoes.

That we're gonna have at 300 miles an hour.

I just want to show everyone that I can do it in stiletto heels too.

Lights are red!

I wasn't gonna go through.

That's enough of that. Now...

That was a long time ago.

At one point, we hit, and I have to look disapproving for this, okay...

- Yes, okay. - ...it is a big thing going

100 miles an hour on Sloane Street, which is in London.

Do you crash a lot?

No, I don't actually, no.

I know... No, no, I don't.

'Cause there's a report in the newspapers the other day

which said that said women are more prone to crash into stationary objects.

And that men crash into high-speed things.

No, no, I don't crash but when I park,

I think that the bumpers are there so, you go, bump, bump, bump, bump, in.

Move on from that one. Well, what do you look for in a car?

I mean, what was it that first attracted you to the free Honda NSX?

Yeah.

Not that it was free, of course.

No, erm, I look for...

I like convertible cars, actually.

I've always loved convertible cars. I like, erm, I like fast cars.

Exactly. So, what's your idea of a perfect car?

Erm, the Jaguar XK8, without a doubt.

- Really? - It's most beautiful car I've ever driven. Yeah.

Ferraris, are they cool or not?

No, they remind me of a bad day in the south of France.

You see, I said they are!

But I've got to say, look, if a guy has worked... you know, worked really hard

and he gets, like, a big bonus and his dream was always to have a red Ferrari,

and so, why shouldn't he spend his Christmas bonus and buy that car and drive it with pride?

His Christmas bonus?

You know, you hear about these bonuses.

Well, I know what you mean.

In this city, some people get big bonuses.

In Rotherham, nobody gets hundred grand bonuses.

No, but I am just saying that if somebody has worked their ass off

and they get the car and everything,

then, why shouldn't they get whatever car they like?

Who am I to judge?

But I have got to say I don't like a car which is flashy and vulgar.

Have you got a boyfriend at the moment?

No, I am going off them. I did blind date last night.

- Blind date? How did it go? - Yes.

I saw him on Christmas Day.

Well, just spoil it for everyone, come on, what happened?

No, I'm not telling you but I'm going on my blind date on Friday.

You're going to New York. Now there's no point watching.

Okay.

Can I make a suggestion?

You know, you say you like the Jaguar XK8?

It's a nice car, but what you actually want is a Mitsubishi Evo 7.

- Am I right? - Really?

A girl in one of... you won't like it, but a girl in one of those

is about as big a turn-on as anything I can imagine.

Well, hello?

Now, I want to ask the men's opinion.

Do you all agree or is he lying?

Yes.

- If you saw Tara... - Where's the shop where they are sold?

The shop...

Well...

If it's still open, I'm going there.

Listen, I tell you what, talk to me later.

I'll find out where a Mitsubishi garage is.

They're not expensive.

You can have an Evo 7. You'll pull...

Why is it so sexy? Why?

- Why? - What is it?

It's because it's a really serious rally car...

- Right. - ...very, very, very fast.

A-ha! Love it.

As far as I know, no girl, in the whole of human history, has ever bought one.

- Right, that's going to be me. - Get one.

What would you think, though, if a man had that in his house or his flat?

- It's a wine cooler. - Oh!

No, not cooler, I mean, a wine storage thing. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Head gaskets from an Audi A6.

Do you think that's cool?

- Yes. Yeah, I do. - Oh, really?

I think that's really cool.

'Cause I do too. And I was worried that you'd think...

- No, I think that's excellent. - Have it.

What about this, then?

A magazine rack which is a spring.

Yes, yes, you see that... oh, my goodness!

That is heavy. You see?

And look at these.

- This is a coat hook. Do you know what these are? - That's a coat hook.

- No idea. - Valves.

- Do you know what show you've come to? - Yes, I like the valves.

- You like that as well? - I like that.

I like that. It's cool.

No, it's not jewellery.

Anyway, there, you can have it.

Take it all away. There you are.

It's nice. Are these my little presents?

Actually, they will go down rather nicely in my new loft apartment.

You've come here, obviously, to drive our reasonably priced car.

- Yes. Was that the Suzuki? - Yeah.

- What did you think of that? - Well, it was really nice actually.

It was a good little run-around.

It could have done with, you know,

may be going a little bit quicker, but it was very, very good.

Well, erm, this is how fast all of our guests have been so far.

Oh, let's see!

JK, 1:48, two seconds faster than me,

rather annoyingly.

Were they all in the Suzuki?

Yeah, they've all been round in the Suzuki.

Steve Coogan, he did it in the rain in 1:53.

Kemp, 1:54, Ross Kemp.

Jonathan Ross, 1:57.

Harry Enfield, two days.

- Oh, my God! - That is slow.

Now, two days and an hour, that is, now.

- It was quite wet today. - It was wet.

And I had my coat in the front seat which weighs a lot.

Good excuse.

Best excuse we've had so far.

- Shall we see the lap, everyone? - Yeah!

- I can't wait to see. - Here we go.

- You looked scared! - I was.

Okay, Jeremy, I have been asked to talk my way through exactly what I am doing.

So, this is how I try to go really quickly.

I pretend that I'm coming up to Harvey Nichols,

and the shop is about to close.

And I have to get there, otherwise I'm not going to get those shoes which I really want.

Gotta brake!

Oh, they're closing the doors!

Okay. Sexy man on the street, wave to him.

All very simple, just mind over matter.

That looks... oh!

I mean, last thing you want... to think about is the car.

You just have to think

that you are driving with no clothes on, singing a song.

What on Earth are you talking about?

You said talk yourself through it!

No.

I'm impressed with that! That's very...

- That's right on the mark. - And now understeer.

Ooph!

- Jeepers creepers! - Whoa! Nice, well held!

- That was very well held. - Not bad, is it?

Look, in the lines!

- And you're across the line! - Yay!

Now, somebody told me that you cut one of the corners there.

Did anyone see that?

- No. None of them did! - No.

- I didn't either. - Who's the person who said?

One of the producers claims that she cut one of the corners.

I had a really careful look. I don't think she did.

Now you are the first girl to come on,

so, it is important for the girls how you did.

I bet I've beaten Harry Enfield.

Harry Enfield, you've beaten Enfield.

Do you think you went faster than Jonathan "floppy hair" Ross?

Yeah. I think I may have done, actually.

You did!

- Do you think you went faster than Ross Kemp? - Probably not.

You didn't go faster than Ross Kemp.

But you drew with him, 1.54!

Look at that!

And look at that!

Ladies first, we'll put you at the top.

- You are second behind Steve Coogan. - My dad will be proud.

Well, there we are.

We're very pleased to have had you here.

- I've loved it. - Ladies and gentlemen, Tara Palmer-Tomkinson!

This week's Insider Trading.

Now, Suzuki Liana.

Reasonably priced £9,995. Tara liked it.

- She did. - Jonathan Ross said it was a beast.

- He did. He did. - Jay Kay described it as alright.

- And he's a rock star. - He's a rock star.

And at £9,995, it's a bargain.

But this week, I got an e-mail from a Suzuki main dealer.

And he said it's not £9,995, 8,995.

That sounds very reasonably priced!

Well, I thought so.

Then I got two more e-mails from two more main dealers, £7,995.

That's an insanely reasonably priced car.

It is. I think we ought to change the feature.

It's now a star in a reasonably priced, heavily discounted car.

- It is pretty much, isn't it? - Absolutely.

Now, erm, it's that time of year again.

We are building up to Christmas and a little used car buying tip for you all.

Some of the big PLCs, some of the big used car operations

have to dispose of stock before the year end.

Okay, basically it's to do with some of their financial constraints.

They have to carry a certain amount of stock into the new year.

So they're gonna sell a load of cars.

They're gonna sell a load of cars.

That doesn't tend to affect the smaller dealers,

the family-run businesses and so forth.

It's the big ones, the PLCs.

So knowing that, if you are going to go into any of those places

to buy a used car in the next, probably, four to five weeks, yeah,

keep that in the back of your mind and you are going to get a storming deal.

So, they may not advertised, but you know that it's just...

Absolutely. They are not going to advertise the fact.

But now you know it, so go and do that deal.

Okay. Finance. Right.

Loads of people, me included, use finance to buy a car.

Interest rates are pretty low at the moment, a good time to use it.

But when you come to part-exchange your car,

if you have still got some finance outstanding on it,

you've obviously got to settle it.

Now, when you do a deal at a garage, nine times out of ten,

they will take care of settling that for you.

In other words, they'll send a cheque off to the finance company,

- take it out of the value of your car. - Why do they do that?

Well, really, it's for their own peace of mind

because until the finance is settled, they can't trade the car,

they can't auction the car, okay, so, they've got to get it off the finance register.

And normally that's fine, but a friend of mine this week

got a letter from his finance company

saying that he still owed £1,500 finance

and he part-exchanged his car back in August.

So, the dealer hadn't paid it off?

Basically, the dealer hadn't paid it off, and he's still liable for that.

Now, worse than that, he then goes to phone the dealer,

"You've made a mistake, you know", and they've gone bust.

And we're not talking about a small dealer.

We're talking about a main Ford dealer has gone bust.

So, your mate is then presumably liable for the outstanding finance on the car

despite having sold it on, so, what can we do to avoid that happening?

One of two things. Either settle the finance yourself or, secondly,

if the dealer still insists that they want to do it,

er, see the cheque that they're going to send off.

When you do the deal, go and pick up your car,

see the cheque they're going to send,

and then, please phone the finance company

and make sure that it's done a few days later.

- Then you're safe. - Then you're safe.

Okay, today, we've been talking about cool cars.

So, I thought I'd show you a used car that's never gone out of fashion.

The Volkswagen Golf.

There are cars that are cheaper.

There are cars that are prettier.

And there are cars that can drive better

but if we're talking about style,

If we are talking about the X-factor,

then we've got to talk about the Golf.

When it was launched in 1974,

the Golf defined what the small hatchback was all about.

And in the '80s,

the Mark II secured the car's status as a style icon,

with the help of some brilliant TV ads.

And in the caring, sharing '90s,

the Mark III Golf once again captured the mood of the times

by selling itself as safe and green,

even though it was heavy and dull compared to its predecessors.

A lot of people said with the Mark III,

that Volkswagen should have stopped making the Golf.

It had gone too soft.

But they didn't.

Launched in 1998, the Mark IV has the same dependable,

reliable character as the Mark III.

Although these later versions

will never deliver the excitement of the Mark I and Mark II,

if you're using your head rather than your heart,

they're definitely the best secondhand buy.

You can pick up a good mid-'90s Mark III for about four grand

with a later Mark IV with reasonable mileage for about six and a half.

One of the reasons these cars hold their value so well is the styling.

I mean, it's very conservative.

You could buy a Mark III which is quite a lot cheaper than a Mark IV

and nobody would look at you and go, "Oh, cheapskate".

It still looks the part.

As a used car, this is the ultimate get-out-of-jail-free card.

If you park one of these on your drive,

your neighbours will never know how well you're doing or not.

So, what about engines?

Well, you could go for a 1.4, but they're desperately slow.

Then you've got the 1.6 and the 2-litre.

I'd actually go for the 1.6.

It's only 15 brake horsepower less,

and it's a couple of insurance groups lower.

My recommendation is,

if you want a secondhand Golf with real performance, buy a diesel.

You can buy a secondhand Golf diesel with 110, 130 or 150 brake horsepower.

But combine that with the torque you get from the diesel,

and they'll embarrass any of the petrols.

So, if you fancy buying a used Golf, what else do you need to know?

Well, a couple of things.

Number one, unless you've got to,

I would steer clear of buying the automatic.

It's only a 4-speed gear box on all but the very latest models

and with that, you are going to dent performance and economy.

One thing that is worth hunting down, though, is air conditioning.

It's not standard on most models, but it's a really nice option to have.

And finally, colour.

Colour is very important.

This should be the most desirable Golf that money can buy.

It's a GT TDI.

It's even got air conditioning.

But look at the colour!

It's a horrible, horrible green with a horrible, horrible interior

which means that this car is worth £500 less

than a blue one or a silver one or a black one.

You see, the Golf has always had style.

But in this colour, it's out of fashion.

So, Jason, you are always telling us clever ways to save a few quid, yeah.

And we can save £500 by buying it in the wrong colour,

so, logically, you'd buy it in the wrong colour and save the money.

Yes, but you've got to live with the car though, haven't you?

I mean there is nothing worse than driving something that you really are ashamed of.

You can get it right.

I mean, some cars work in some colours, don't they?

Oh, yes, I mean, there is classic colours.

With Jaguars, it's silvers, it's blues, it's greens.

And that kind of stuff.

And what's that launch colour you see on cars sometimes?

It's like a yellowy, autumnal barley gold.

Oh, for heaven's sake!

They've heard enough of their autumnal colours.

I want to get back to my Cool Wall,

which I've just thought of again.

And the reason is because of the Mercedes SL.

Now, the '60s version photograph of which I have here, that's very cool.

Kate Moss has one.

- Are we agreed on that? - Yeah.

Definitely, it goes here, right? Sub-zero.

But then in the '70s and the '80s, they had this version. Okay?

What do we think?

- Uncool. - Uncool.

Bobby Ewing had one in Dallas.

That says it all.

It's going there.

Now, that was replaced by this one.

And this one, I'm afraid, had the kiss of death.

Quentin Willson bought one.

Where's it going?

Seriously uncool! Seriously uncool! Over there.

But now, there's a new Mercedes SL for the 21st century.

And we've got one over here.

Now, the question I have is, can you buy one?

I don't mean "Can you afford one?"

Sixty-seven thousand pounds is what it costs.

I mean, can you buy one?

Could you drive around in this without people openly laughing at you?

Well, this is the 500, okay?

And I think the answer is...

no.

But, this has a big brother.

This is it, the AMG tuned SL55,

the fastest automatic car in the world.

Its supercharged 5.5-litre V8 engine

churns out nearly 500 brake horsepower,

and that means a top speed,

if you take the restrictor off, of more than 200 miles an hour.

But I'm not going 200 miles an hour.

In fact, I'm not even going 20 miles an hour.

And there's a very good reason for that.

Most of the cars that we feature on Top Gear

are borrowed from huge faceless car manufacturers.

We simply keep them for a week and then give them back when the tyres are worn out.

But this one is different.

This one belongs to me.

I bought it, my money and they're my tyres

and I'm not going to wear them out.

I sold a Ferrari 355 to buy this.

That was a fabulous car.

But it was as relaxing as being tickled.

The Mercedes can play that game too.

But unlike the Ferrari, it's also good at chess.

After a hard day at work, not that I've ever had a hard day at work,

but if I were to ever have a hard day at work,

I'd be able to waft home in this in absolute luxury.

It's got all the same toys that we saw in the S-Class last week, you know,

the seats are air-conditioned and they massage you as you drive along.

I've got TV, CD, telephone,

I've got radar-guided cruise control, voice activation,

I just go, "CD3, track 5."

And I waft home to the sounds of Coldplay.

Perfect silence and comfort.

The Ferrari could never do this, not this silence,

softness, quietness.

And here's something else the Ferrari could never do.

When the sky is blue, you just push a button and in 16 seconds,

the roof is gone.

So, now,

the comfortable grand tourer has been converted into a two-seater sports car.

But don't think any of the practicality has been lost.

Even though that metal roof and the big glass window has been folded into the boot,

there is still space in here for my suitcase,

my briefcase, and 16 changes of clothing.

This is such a well thought-out car.

You needn't even worry about your Wilmslow Weave coming off.

Because if you push this button here,

the roll-over bar pops up and in the middle of it, there's a wind deflector.

Keep your Prestbury Perm in place,

your Hazlemere Highlights.

You can have the most expensive hairdo in the world and it'll be safe.

I, however, have a very cheap hairdo, so, we'll put it back down again.

In fact, I don't have a hairdo at all.

I just have hair.

Occasionally though,

you catch a glimpse of those aluminium slashes on the bonnet

which are like a big cat's claws, and you think,

"I'm wasting this car.

"I've got to open the taps just, just a little bit."

Now, we're doing seven miles to the gallon,

the traction control is on full alert and it sounds

like a World War II fighter.

This is the kind of noise, deep, resonating noise, that hurts dogs.

When I come home at night in this,

my Labradors stick their paws in their ears and...

...and whimper.

They actually use one of these as a pace car,

a kind of safety car, in Grand Prix races.

And if you're watching, even on TV, you can hear it,

a sort of baritone backdrop to the shrieking soprano F1 motors.

In a straight line, it monsters the 355,

but then it does have 100 more brake horsepower.

It's not all sweetness and light, though.

It doesn't have the finesse of a Ferrari.

If you run over a pothole, the suspension crashes, and through the corners,

there's no getting away from the fact

that you are driving a pretty heavy old Hector.

So, how do we sum it up, then?

The Ferrari is like a stiletto, sleek, accurate, deadly.

This, on the other hand, is more like a hammer.

Big, a bit clumsy, but it'll still kill you.

Actually, not a hammer.

It's more like a Swiss Army knife.

It's a top-down funster,

a long-distance cruiser, a muscle car, a Messerschmitt ME109,

a pose mobile,

and if your horse gets a stone in its shoe, it can deal with that, too.

So, Jeremy, you think that the AMG version, that is a cool car.

I think the engine rescues it, yes,

but I am aware that the rest of it

is quite Northern and that's the trouble, you see.

I am a Northern person. I like onyx coffee tables.

No, I do. I'm sorry, I do.

You know, I know I shouldn't have a carpet in my bathroom. I know that.

But I've got one.

You've a drinks globe, don't you, Jeremy?

I haven't got a drinks globe, but secretly, in there, I want one.

And that's it.

And on that bombshell really, we have to end the show...

No, actually we don't.

That's not strictly correct, you see, this whole SL thing, your car in particular,

do you not think it's ever so slightly camp?

Just, you know, all these fins and bits and pieces.

Well, we did.

So, I had a bit of a mooch about, Michelle, can you bring this in?

We had a little bit of a look on the Internet.

- You know, your favourite place, Jeremy. - Mmm.

Quite worried.

This is a website, now, it's called Out UK, and it's for the gay men.

And it's kind of a lifestyle thing.

It's got...

It's got everything you need for your gay lifestyle.

It's got, you know, what to watch on television, there is a very handsome man.

If the SL's in here, it's for sale.

It does have car stuff in here.

If we have a look down, there is, you see, the "auto erotic".

Oh, aren't they lovely? There's a little Smart.

And then we found the top ten gayest cars.

And if you look at number four, which is quite near the top, really,

that's the Mercedes SL55 AMG.

That's your car.

And do you know what's even more worrying

is that the car I singled out for particular praise,

the Jeep Wrangler, is at number two!

Is there anything you need to tell us?

It's not just the onyx coffee table.

It's not just the carpeted bathroom. I'm coming out.

And the other point is, this is a fast car.

How many more points have you got 'cause I don't know.

This is a fast car, isn't it?

This isn't. Mine is. The AMG.

- We noticed The Stig didn't drive it. - No.

There was no way I was going to let The Stig, seriously.

I was not going to let the Stig drive it.

- 'Cause it's your car. - Exactly.

Yeah. But we let The Stig drive it when we stole the keys.

You're joking!

Oh, that was a useless start.

It was a very quick start. It was a good one.

It wasn't, he will have broken the diff

and the clutch and everything, I will kill him.

That's some proper speed

as he ends there, look at that. That is moving... oh, listen to that!

- He is breaking my heart! - In your car!

I don't know, it suits him. It helps speed him up, listening to that.

He's got one minute 23 to beat and he's trying hard. That's very, very...

- He's gone off the track! - Oh dear!

- Oh dear, oh dear... - This isn't funny!

Jeremy, most of that will polish out, it'll be fine.

We must be getting towards the line now?

We are, aren't we, and he crosses the line in.

My car is what he crosses the line in!

Yes, but also in one minute 33, which is extremely quick, in fact.

Because that's a wet time,

if you knock the four seconds off that,

that means it's as fast or faster than a Lamborghini Merceilago.

So, your car is very, very fast.

Gay, but very, very fast.

And you got it back in one piece. Happy?

No, I'm not happy.

To be perfectly honest, I am not happy.

And that really is the end of your life.

And the show.

And I dare say we're all going off to do different things now.

Those of you under ten will be going to bed. Goodnight.

Those of you with an IQ of less than ten

will be turning over to watch Celebrity Big Brother.

And the rest of us,

well, I hope that we'll be staying with BBC Two,

because it's the final of the Great Britons Debate.

Ten presenters slugging it out,

and at the end, we name the greatest Briton who ever lived.

Now, as you probably know, I've been involved in this.

But I'm not biased, I want to make that absolutely plain.

Vote for who you like.

There's the drunken Kurd killer,

There's the megalomaniac who started a civil war and killed half of Ireland,

there's the pretty, if rather thin, princess,

erm, there's the bearded plagiarist or the boring bard,

or you could vote for Isambard Kingdom Brunel.

I mean, as I say, I'm not biased,

but he was a genius who quite simply built the world we live in today.

It's that simple.

So, I'll see you on the other side of the credits,

but from here, from everyone, good night!

Subtitles modified from MTOD transcript Ripped by GLUE of QxR Edited/corrected for TGCC v2 by AlexGRFan97