Original subtitles

In tonight's Top Gear...

The most relaxing way to spend £280,000 on a car.

Richard reveals our budget Bond car.

And a floppy-haired star in our reasonably priced car.

But first, ten years ago, if you wanted air-conditioning, anti-lock brakes, or an airbag,

you had to buy a big, expensive car.

But today it's all available on a simple family hatchback like this Golf.

So, to work out what sort of kit's

gonna be fitted as standard to the family cars of the future,

all you have to do, is look at the stuff that's being fitted

to today's big, expensive cars.

And the king of the big expensive cars

is the technological trailblazer for the last 30 years,

the S-Class Mercedes Benz.

This is the latest S-Class,

now available with a very economical, twin-turbo, six-litre...

I don't mean "economical," do I? It's the wrong word.

Massive, massive V12 engine.

But I'm not really interested in that. I'm more interested in the toys.

But before I could check them out, I had to get in character.

A suit, and a butler.

If you could just, erm, pop my briefcase in the car for me. Thank you.

You see, what he doesn't realise is, he's not gonna be able to,

'cause I've got this little credit card in my pocket.

Now, when I walk up to the car,

it'll recognise that and open itself.

Can you not do it?

No, sir.

It's perfectly simple, look.

You just walk up and open the door like... like that.

Thank you. And, er... And now you're sacked.

There we are.

As long as you've got this in your pocket,

you don't need a key to start it either,

you just touch the top of the gear lever.

And that's just the start of it.

That tells me how many malfunctions there are in the car.

It's German. So zere are none.

There are 140 motors in this car. Only one of which is the engine.

This button here

raises and lowers the rear roller blind.

This one, if you push it once,

the car goes up a little bit,

if you want to go a little bit off-road.

And then push it again,

it goes up even more

if you want to go a lot off-road.

If you've got the sports suspension engaged,

and you go around a left-handed corner,

you're thrown this way,

it'll actually tighten that bolster, it will pull it round

to hold you in the seat.

That lowers the rear head restraints.

Quite good fun, that,

erm, if someone's fallen asleep in the back.

And if you push this one, where it says

"pulse," these inflate and deflate and move about.

So it's really like having a little.

Vietnamese girl in there massaging you as you drive along.

This one's the telephone. Perfectly straightforward. It's kept in here.

That's the satellite navigation, that's the CD player.

And you can memorise all the seat positions

on these things here. You just push that.

That's my driving position, that can be my wife's,

and that can be my butler's, except, of course, I've sacked him.

Naturally, they're stuffed and padded with Amazonian coconut husks.

This one turns off the audible parking sensors,

this one engages sports suspension.

And best of all, if you have an accident,

in the time it takes to yelp, no matter how you've got the seat arranged,

it'll go, "boof!" and arrange itself

so that you're perfectly positioned

for being hurled into the airbag.

Makes crashing very comfortable.

It's got four aerials in each one of the pillars.

These are all the radio stations it can pick up.

Some of them aren't even from this planet.

Now this one enables me to select

how long I want the rear number plate light

to stay on after I get out at night.

What kind of a meeting did they have where they went,

"Have ve zought of everyzing here?

"Ze rear number plate light! How long should it stay on after zey get out of ze car?"

Dial name.

- The name please. - Wilman.

- Wilman. - Dialling.

This is the producer of the show, we can just ring him up

I don't need to take my hands off the wheel

or anything.

Probably be in the Ivy, having peach and peacock.

Just got in the car park.

Can I call you in two secs while I get in the office?

There you go, you see? He doesn't even want to talk to me.

The only problem with this feature is that

you have to teach it

all the various numbers and names, and that can be quite tricky.

Store name.

The number please.

0-7-7-1-0.

2-7-7-1-0.

You see, that's not what I said, is it?

And listen, woman, when I speak to you. 3-4-9...

2-4-9.

I said three.

- 7-1-0. Please continue. - That's...

No, you've got it wrong.

0-2-0...

2-6-7...

1-0-1-0.

- Dial number. - Shut... Shut up.

- Store number. - Shut up.

Delete number. Confirm number... Correction.

- Store... - Pardon?

I haven't said anything yet!

- Store... - Function not possible at this time.

I'm not going to be defeated here.

3-4-9.

2-0-0-5.

2-4-9.

3-4-9.

The number is deleted. Please continue.

2-4-9.

Why don't you listen?

- Dialling. - No! Don't dial that!

I don't know who that is, it might be the Queen.

0-3-3.

0-3-3.

Store.

Name and number are stored.

Yes! We're there! We're there!

Then we've got these buttons down here.

This one repeats the last instruction from the satellite navigation,

this one steers you round tailbacks that are ahead of you.

This one brings up a map of where you are.

It's gone dark.

When did that happen?

I haven't finished yet.

Delete Radio 1 forever.

- Would you like to delete... - Wilman.

No! I don't want to delete Wilman.

I've just put him in. I've been hours putting him in...

- All afternoon, I've been putting him in... - Cancelled.

What? You haven't cancelled him! I've just put him in!

No!

No, no, no! No!

You didn't drive it.

No, and I can explain why.

This, okay? This is Simon Schama's new book.

History of Britain. He manages to condense

into 558 pages, okay, the whole history of Britain.

These are the handbooks for the Mercedes.

Seven-hundred and twenty pages.

Before you can set off.

- Longer than the history Of Britain! - Exactly.

But if we get all these clever toys on just ordinary cars,

in the future, in ten years' time, whenever,

we won't go anywhere, will we?

Not quickly, no.

I mean, you won't just be able to pop to the shops anymore

without having to just get the...

the brightness just so on the vanity mirror light.

Just a little bit more... A little bit... Page 486 of the handbook, no doubt.

Erm, but I did eventually get this going

and I took it to the one place where it absolutely shines.

It's here on the motorway that we find

the most astonishing feature of them all.

The radar-guided cruise control. Let me show you how it works.

I've set it to

70 miles an hour, like so.

Foot off the accelerator and I'm doing 70. But watch.

If I pull onto the inside lane behind this truck,

I'm not touching the brakes, I'm not touching anything and we're slowing down.

It's gonna get me to 150 feet behind that truck

and I will stay at that distance

doing the same speed that it's doing forever.

And then when I've had enough,

I simply pull into the middle lane.

Truck's no longer there, it recognises that,

and we're speeding up again.

Follow the road until further instructions.

So, if you think about it, satellite navigation's telling me where to go,

the cruise control is making sure I don't crash into anything,

the lights all come on when it goes dark, the wipers

will come on if it starts to rain.

What am I for?

I know this costs £85,000 but really, it is worth every single penny.

It's a fabulous, fabulous car.

However, Audi thinks it has an Achilles heel.

They think there's a chink in its armour,

and they've slipped in there with their rival for it,

the A8.

It seems to be the same as the Mercedes,

quite a lot cheaper at around £60,000,

but still big, imposing and very German.

There's the same number of toys too

and the same astonishing attention to detail.

Like Mercedes, Audi employ a team of people

who check every car before it leaves the factory,

to make sure that the smell coming from this piece of leather

on the steering wheel doesn't clash with the smell

coming from this piece of leather, or this piece.

So they're like sommeliers.

Obviously, they couldn't get a job

in the German wine industry, could they?

They had to work for the car firms.

However, there are some subtle differences between this and the Mercedes.

Its V8 engine feels more muscular than the Merc's V12,

and it's louder, more "there".

With four wheel drive,

it's more sure-footed through the corners too,

especially when it's raining.

So you feel more connected,

more in charge, less of a passenger.

The Audi then is more of a driver's car than the S-Class.

The steering's a bit dead like it is in all Audis actually,

but I can use this button here

to adjust the harshness of the suspension.

Put it in dynamic. There we are.

And then I've got these paddles behind the steering wheel,

so I have some control

over the automatic gear box.

This is a limousine GTI.

So it's better than the Merc? No.

- Oh. - Not even slightly.

You see, the thing is,

is it's kind of better to drive for sure,

but the Mercedes is more refined and more comfortable.

I think the best way to describe the difference between these two cars,

is World Cup final. Okay?

Ten million people watched that on the BBC,

two million watched it on ITV.

Now ITV's coverage, like the Audi, just as good.

But when you're taking on an institution, like that, or the BBC,

you can't be just as good, you've got to be 20 times better.

And anyway, frankly,

if you want a sporting limousine, we've got something

later in the programme that blows this

into the middle of next week.

So, Audi have taken their swing at the Mercedes

and they've sort of missed.

Jaguar are next to step into the ring in this heavyweight contest

with this, their new XJ.

Well, not this exact one, obviously,

on the ones they sell to real people,

they'll put some paint on it, I presume.

It is a handsome car and it's long,

it's as long as the S-Class.

But that's not gonna be enough alone

to tempt the world's plutocrats away from their beloved three-pointed star.

It needs to be special, and it still is inside.

You still get that cosseting feeling

with its high centre console

and quite sombre dark wood and swathes of leather.

It's still a lot like riding in a mobile gentleman's club.

Don't be deceived though,

because behind that wood and leather veneer,

this is a very, very high-tech car.

Think of it as being like a tweed space suit.

No, no, I'll explain. I promise.

You see, like the Audi, okay,

it's made from aluminium, but it's built in a completely different way.

This, okay? This is the Audi.

Now it's got an aluminium skeleton

onto which all the aluminium body panels are bolted.

So you've got the weight of the skeleton

and then the weight of the panels.

Now the Jaguar is more like a lobster, okay?

- A lobster? - Lobster.

It's got an exoskeleton.

What you see here, this is the structure.

That's it.

- A lobster? - Exactly.

You don't get it, do you?

- No. - Do you get it?

He gets it. You know exactly what I mean.

That means it's light. It means you haven't got doubling up.

It means that you're gonna go,

you'll have more speed, you'll have more economy,

you'll be kinder to the environment.

A lobster?

Give in. Let's do The News, shall we?

Let's do the news.

Absolutely. And er, new news this week.

Um, new Nissan Almera. Well, it's kind of a facelift, really.

Couple of new engines. Couple of petrol engines on them.

Erm, diesels to follow.

But the most important thing about the Almera they're changing,

is the stupid names.

Now, on the old one, it was quite complicated.

They did an Almera E. That was the entry level.

They did a Sport Plus, and a Sport SE Plus.

But they also did a Twister and a Hurricane.

- Yeah. - No!

Not a Nissan Almera Hurricane!

It's kind of just mad optimism, isn't it? Hoping,

"If we call it a Hurricane, it'll be really exciting."

"Here it is, the Nissan Light Breeze..."

"Nissan Whoops, There's A Draught Coming From Somewhere."

New one's an S, an SV and an SVE.

- So much easier for all of us. - Bit simpler.

Erm, the new Nissan 350Z here.

Astonishingly good car. Very pretty car,

and with quite a good bloodline.

Well, it started off well with the 240Z back in 1969.

Nissan then made it a little bit worse with the 260,

worse again with the 280,

and then it got to the Nissan 300 which was dangerously bad.

It really was that.

Yeah, you just had to think about it, it could kill you.

- Let's just stop now. - This is quite dangerous.

Don't... Whatever. If you're doing this at home,

- don't think about it. - Leave it.

Anyway, they're back to basics now with the 350Z.

It's got a 3.5 litre V6 engine in the front.

It's got rear-wheel drive. It's a two-seater.

And by all accounts, it's absolutely wonderful to drive.

Except, we're not going to find out,

because, erm,

all they could make for the next year are going to the Septics.

- And... - Septics? That's...?

- Septic tanks. Americans. - Yanks.

- Americans. Yeah. - Yeah.

The Septics are having everything they can make for a year.

And this is happening time and time again nowadays.

You know, the Volvo XC90.

Great car, that seven-seater Volvo off-roader.

They've just put the launch date back of that, erm, in Britain

till the spring 'cause of the Septics.

Volkswagen Beetle, that was nearly a year.

I was completely out of date by the time it got here

because of the Septics.

So, actually, what the European car industry needs to do, really,

and Japanese, is make a car that they don't want.

- Sort of American-proof. - American-proof cars.

So you get the seat,

and you get a plaster cast of Kate Moss' bottom,

and then they won't get into it.

And then the cup holder, make it about that big.

Just for a little espresso or some Red Bull.

- Rather than this sort of thing there. - Yeah. So they can't get

their Styrofoam buckets with two gallons of water...

and half a granule of coffee.

"Hey, you wanna just go easy on that!"

And the boot, okay? The boot.

Exactly an inch shorter

than a golf club.

Ooh! That'll get 'em! So they think it's gonna go in,

but it just doesn't quite.

But sadly, they are making cars for the Americans.

And we just have to wait until they've gorged themselves.

Erm, serious point now.

In the papers this week,

Wiltshire County Council have,

not just in villages but actually on the A360 as well,

removed the white lines, because they say.

"This will create a feeling of uncertainty among drivers,

making them more cautious."

Well, yeah, it will.

No, that's actually

- not a laughing matter. - It'd scare you to death!

- It's not a laughing matter. - It's not.

Seriously, someone's going to die as a result of this.

Now, I don't mind if environmentalists, who dream this kind of stuff up,

sit at home, with their Guardians,

what you do in the privacy of your own kitchen is fine.

Eat your vegetables, wear your potato shoes.

Don't bring your idiotic ideas onto the road, okay?

Someone will be killed.

Another story from the newspapers this week

about manufacturers making claims for their cars

that they are more economical than they actually are.

You know when you look at the MPG figures, you get three.

There's the urban, which is your town driving, that's the lowest.

Extra urban, which is the highest figure,

that's for kind of motorways, fast stuff. And the combined,

when they do a difficult sum and they come up with a number,

What people are saying is those figures are a little optimistic.

Well, they are. Because they test their cars

on rolling roads and machines.

They don't have... they don't have no white lines to worry about.

They don't have traffic lights to slow down for,

you know, the ones on Regent Street that are red for two minutes,

and that's what does you.

What I always do, actually, a piece of information,

is basically look at the um, urban figure

because, as a general rule, that's what you get out of a car.

- The lowest figure. - The lowest figure.

The one that they say you get around town,

your average figure will be that.

Except, the car I brought down this morning, okay,

from Mercedes,

erm, they say... Look at this. This is my note paper here...

They say that the combined figure,

that the average I'm supposed to be able to do

is 19.9 miles to the gallon.

Now on my system, the urban figure is 13.5.

Would you like to guess what I actually did

from London down to the Top Gear base this morning?

- Ten? Eleven? - 6.5 miles to the gallon.

That is good, isn't it?

- That's plenty of fuel. - 6.5. That's astonishing.

Right. Well, we've talked enough about fat cat transport this evening.

Now, I'm gonna show you a car

that is movement for the masses.

And this car is so hot at the moment,

it's setting the used car market alight.

In fact, if you visit the Auto Trader website,

you'll find that these cars are getting an inquiry every 25 seconds.

That's seven days a week, 24 hours a day,

every 25 seconds, someone is looking for one of these.

So in the course of this programme,

144 people are trying to find a second hand one.

It's the Peugeot 206.

So we know that you want to buy one.

Let's show you how to.

Hard to see why the 206 is on so many shopping lists.

It's a nice car to drive.

And I don't mean soft and mushy.

I mean it's a really pleasant thing to be in.

And then, of course, there's those looks.

And although that design is four years old, it still looks absolutely great.

In fact, I'll bet you. If you buy one of those today,

in a couple of years' time, it'll still look better than the rivals.

And it's classless, too. It's got so much charm, that it fits in anywhere.

And even though it's a mass-market car,

it's got enough character to make anyone who drives it

feel a bit special,

which is quite a rare trick to pull off.

But let's get down to practicalities.

Four years into its life, and the 206

hasn't yet thrown up any big faults.

The main complaints are just squeaks and rattles from poor trim finish.

The sunroof sliding mechanism in particular can get worn,

so check this on your test drive.

But since most 206s come with either a sunroof

or air-conditioning, you do have a choice.

You're better off going for one with air-con.

Like this one. It'll cost you a few hundred quid more,

but it's well worth it.

The switch gear can also be a bit delicate.

So check all the buttons function properly.

If, say, an electric mirror isn't working,

it may just be the switch, rather than the electric motor that's the problem.

But on the plus side, the 206 petrols

have got the longest service interval of any car in their class.

That's two years or 20,000 miles.

Engines. I'd avoid the 1.1.

It has to work awfully hard for a living.

And it's not really up to the job.

You're far better off getting a 1.4 or 1.6.

Although on the 1.6, watch out,

'cause they can be prone to cam belt problems

quite early on in their life.

So for me, I'd buy a 1.4, save myself a few hundred pounds,

and enjoy the performance.

Now with big German executive saloons,

I've got no trouble recommending a car that's done 80,000 miles.

But I'm not going to do the same with a small hatchback.

Especially if you're aiming to run the car

for a good few trouble-free years.

I'd play safe.

Look for one with under 50,000 miles,

that's still got some of the three year manufacturer's warranty left.

So for me, the perfect combination would be a 206, 1.4,

about three years old with about 30,000 miles on it, full service history,

get one with the air-con, metallic paint

and you can pick one of those up for about £5,500.

Recap then. Basically, look out for switches

and look out for dodgy sunroofs.

- Yep. - The only thing that confuses me about it

is if there's this huge demand for it,

which there obviously is,

isn't that inflating the price? You said £5,500 for a 1.4.

Yeah, the prices are strong on them second-hand.

I mean, you could go and buy something like a Ford Fiesta or a Clio,

same sort of age, same kind of spec probably for about a grand less.

- Well, why wouldn't you do that? - Because if you buy one of these,

A, it's a pretty car, B, it drives nicely,

and, C, although you spent a grand more now,

come to sell it in two or three years' time,

you're gonna get most of that money back,

so it's not like spending a grand, it's like loaning a grand.

You'll get it back.

Okay, well, there we are, 206.

Probably the best used buy on the market today then.

Right, it's time now to put a star in our reasonably-priced car.

We've got celebrities queueing up

to try out the Liana on our track.

But our guest this week,

he needed a bit of encouragement, a shoehorn even.

Let's meet him. Ladies and gentlemen, Jonathan Ross!

Well?

They are beautiful.

Well, you know what? And this won't surprise you, I've got a matching leather cap.

But, sadly, I couldn't find it this morning.

- Pants? - No pants on today, as you requested.

So, you're not a driver, then?

I am a driver. I drive cars all the time.

I'm often to be found in my deluxe family Toyota Previa

taking the children to school.

- You have a Toyota Previa? - Yeah, and it's a fine vehicle.

I've always... I've always argued.

See, if you drive a sports car, fine.

You've got a people carrier, all those seats, it's like,

"Hey, everyone, mine works fine."

"Look how many children I've produced."

I like the look of that silver car you've got on here.

Oh, the Jaguar.

I accidentally keyed it on the way in, that's not a problem, is it?

No, it isn't a problem, 'cause it's got no paint on it.

- That's fantastic. - That's fantastic. We all want that.

- What a car! - I know!

I wanna talk about your car.

Er, you... not your Toyota Previa. Not your family transport.

- That's the family wagon. - The family wagon.

I wanna talk about your Mazda MX5.

Would you like to tell the nice ladies and gentlemen

what colour you've painted it?

She's a beaut. Erm,

She is a... sort of a just a slightly, you know the duck egg blue?

- Mmm. - She's like a shade up, from the duck egg blue.

Kind of a light turquoise.

A kind of powder blue. And it's your own colour.

It's my own colour, well, no, actually, I didn't do that.

- My wife bought it for me for my 40th birthday. - Mmm-hmm.

- And she... She covered the seats in um, pony skin. - Pony skin?

Yeah, I mean, like, not the head of the pony.

Like, the back.

I think there's a bit of a leg over there. I'm not sure.

I see, I just wanted to... Can I just interrupt,

I want to make it quite plain that no ponies were peeled for the making of your car.

- They're not real pony skin. - Yeah, it's real pony skin.

It is real pony skin?

Well, it'd better be, the amount it cost her!

So is this more important to you, the aesthetics of the car,

plainly with pony skin and powder blue,

more important than the engine and the...

I have... I have no interest in how fast a car can go.

I have absolutely no interest in how it steers,

what's going on under the bonnet,

how much petrol it consumes,

what even the word torque means.

- Nobody knows. - You made that word up.

- I... - I believe when you started

rewriting car journalism, you invented several words

you threw in just to confound and perplex people,

and in the true style of The Emperor's New Clothes, no-one's called you on it.

And now, Clarkson, I put it to you, torque does not exist!

Torque...

All I can tell you about torque, is that it comes in lumps.

It's not a little thing.

You don't get it in an espresso cup.

I hear it's expensive, 'cause torque isn't cheap.

What? What's wrong with that?

Well, make your own jokes up then!

That's just the worst one we've ever had.

Torque's not cheap!

So, what's the fastest you've ever driven?

- I know that sounds like an Alan Partridge... - I'll tell you when.

Now, relax, I'm telling you this.

Many years ago I had an RX-7 motor vehicle.

Black with a leather interior

had an engine called a rotary Wankel.

Not an easy one for me to get my lips around.

I once took this beast,

and I know it's against the law, and I know it's wrong.

- And I wasn't on das Autobahn. - Perhaps it was in Germany.

- No, it wasn't in Germany. - Perhaps it was on the Isle of Man.

No, it was on the way to Maidstone.

Oh no, wait, sorry, I've got a...

We've had a complaint about this.

I now have to look disapproving, okay?

I was young, I was foolish, okay?

- Anyway, I took it out... - Is this disapproving enough?

Let's have a look.

That's your orgasm face, Jeremy.

It's the same thing!

It is the same thing!

No, it's just that Jay Kay came on

and said he got from Rome to London

in like 13 hours and apparently, I went...

When I should've gone...

You should though. You don't wanna encourage

- other young popstars. - So this 100 miles an hour to Maidstone.

I did 100 miles an hour. That's right.

I went up to 100 miles an hour,

but I tell you, it's not for everyone.

Because as I got, and the needle was waving,

I thought, "I'll give it the extra... And I went up,

and the Wankel in the back was spinning beautifully.

As I got up to 100,

I was sweating so much, I had to pull over and rest.

And I was sweating...

- 100 miles an hour? - It was horrible.

- Yeah, I know. - There's no need

for a man to travel that fast on land.

No. There is.

There's no need whatsoever, it's...

It's ridiculous, it's dangerous,

and it makes your heartbeat go up.

- Which is good! - No! It's not nice.

I like to drive along, ideally,

What I like is a car, dog's head out the back window,

maybe a body attached as well, it doesn't matter.

Possibly a pipe.

- Slippers. - Wouldn't that be lovely?

A leather patch there.

Now, you once argued cars are dangerous.

- They are. - Why are they dangerous?

Because I've got a love-hate relationship with cars,

I think a lot of people have who live in cities,

because I want to use my car,

I want to drive my car,

I don't want other people using their car while I'm using my car.

No, I think that's fair enough.

I don't think that's unreasonable.

I think it could be the clothes you wear

that is the scary part of driving.

- You think so? - No, I think we should have dipped...

Dipped beam on your tie.

You think it's too bright?

It would dazzle people coming the other way.

You're so rude!

You sit there in your like... what is that?

Some sort of turquoise, synthetic nylon shirt?

- It has a battery, its own power supply. - I made an effort.

I think I'm the only guest on your show who's made an effort.

I thought, I'm seeing Clarkson today,

"You know, the show is lacking glamour,

"I'll dress up,

"give the ladies of a certain age a little bit of crumpet."

Where are the ladies?

Where are the ladies? Where are the I...

They've gone outside to get some fresh air,

because they're overcome.

Erm, of course, you're not just here to

- pass the time of day. - Be here? No.

You are of course here, because you are a star

and you elected

let's say, to go in our reasonably-priced car.

Were you a bit nervous about this?

I was a bit worried because I've never driven

a car on a track,

I've never tried to drive a car fast, really.

And I know that's one mean mother of a vehicle you got out there.

And I tell you, that baby, she handles.

Everybody's coming out going,

"That's a serious car you've got there."

Actually, that's a motor and a half!

It is £9,995.

- You can't ask fairer than that. - Worth every penny.

- Absolutely. - Erm...

Shall we see how you got on with your lap?

- Let's have a look! - Let's have a look at Jonathan Ross

in the reasonably priced car!

...two, one, and we're off.

Certainly the first man in a suit

in the reasonably-priced Liana!

The helmet looks nice, doesn't it? At speed, yeah, I changed gear then.

It's easier because I don't actually care if I do well!

- You don't care? - But it's harder, because this car...

Cars seem to drive a bit differently when you go fast.

It's not like driving...

Normally, I'm used to taking the kids to school

and occasionally going to the local supermarket.

That's fast, Jonathan!

I thought that was quite fast,

it's in the rain!

Look at that magnificent turn!

It wasn't!

This bit, I think I have to go around here...

You look ridiculous!

I look like a Star Trek fan!

You're the first man ever to get lost on the track!

- It's raining! - It's got wipers!

Look at that speed there! I was going about 30, 40 miles an hour.

I'm aware there are cameras here, so...

So down to third, go to second.

Oh! The synchro's gone.

- I couldn't um... - There's a turn.

- A bird flew past! - No, look!

That's quite speedy!

Now, now, okay?

These are the times of the people

that have been on the show so far.

The Stig, 1:46.

- Well, you know, racing driver. - Yeah.

Tiny little brain.

Jay Kay, 1:48, I did it in 1:50.

Now, these are the wet times, okay?

Steve Coogan, 1:53, Ross Kemp, 1:54,

Harry Enfield on a dry track,

two days and one hour.

Now, Jonathan Ross, your time is...

And I'm afraid I'm going to penalise you two seconds

for plainly cutting the Hammerhead there.

- We all saw that. - What are you talking about?

You got lost, you cut a corner!

There was standing water!

The glare almost blinded me.

You're lucky I'm still alive!

- Do you think I care? - No, but you're lucky!

Two seconds, no arguing

and it is one minute...

You did it in 55, it's 57.

- That's not shabby. - That's not too bad.

And that's with two seconds.

So now I'm "wanked" number sixth in the world. Is that right?

You are ranked...

- Somewhere. - Somewhere in the world!

Now, everybody,

this was Jonathan's timed lap that we've just seen.

Who'd like to see some of the practices that he had?

Yes!

Let's just have a look at that, shall we?

Cool as a cucumber.

Well, that was fun.

Curiously I appear to have stalled.

Ooh, another one.

Here we go.

I thought it might be faster!

You see, a car like this likes a bit of off-road action.

I think it was fantastic.

Ladies and gentlemen, Jonathan Ross!

Had a wonderful time. It was great fun.

Now, as you know,

we're trying to find the fastest religion in Britain. Good news!

This week, we've heard from a rabbi,

and we've heard from a bishop,

so we're gonna be showing that to you very soon.

We've got two new challenges.

We're looking for Britain's fastest Lord

and we're looking for Britain's fastest white van driver.

No, really. So, if you drink in the Duke of Cumberland

or you ARE the Duke of Cumberland, get in touch.

Usual address, BBC.

Top Gear, Wood Lane. All of Wood Lane, basically.

London, W12, all of W12.

Or flag down an internet.

Now we've already established that the S-Class

is pretty much the ultimate plutocrat's runabout.

In fact, we reckon there's only one company

that could beat Mercedes

and that's Mercedes. But even they'd have to go some.

Which is exactly what they've done.

Meet the new mother of all limousines. The Maybach 62.

Suddenly the S-Class seems a little bit, well, small and a little bit cheap too.

Jeremy's cost £87,000.

This costs £281,380.

But before you rush out to buy one,

I went to Germany to try it out for you.

Mercedes sell 100,000 S-Class every year.

But those sort of numbers are not for the Maybach.

Oh, no, no, no.

A thousand a year will be plenty.

So we are breathing very rarefied air indeed.

If the S-Class really is as much car as anybody needs,

how are people gonna be persuaded

to pay three times as much for another car?

I suppose it's gotta be in the details.

I mean, the wood. There is the option of the black wood.

They call it piano wood. It's made by Steinway.

And then there's the soundproofing.

The wheel arches are lined with a special fibrous textile.

And elsewhere around the car there are microfibre tiles, whatever they are.

But the result is, it is spookily quiet in here.

In fact, I wonder how...

How fast we've actually got to go before there's any noise

to back up the only other evidence I've got that we're moving,

which is scenery flashing past the windows.

Manfred, step on it, please!

Thank you.

All right. We're doing 150, no noise.

I know how fast we're going, because I've got a speedo up there

along with a clock and a thermometer.

And isn't that just the ultimate control freak's gizmo?

Think I can hear something.

Not sure. I think they're just moving the scenery faster.

It's boring, speed.

250 kilometres an hour is about 155 mph.

And noise? What noise?

I'm starting to get the point of this thing.

In order for Mercedes to set a new standard in limousinery,

they had to revive the old Maybach brand.

This was Germany's answer to Rolls-Royce

and Bugatti in the '20s and '30s.

And just like the Maybach today,

they were very, very big cars.

But then they were mostly taken up with bonnet,

with a tiny little cabin bolted onto the back.

The interior space was actually pretty pokey.

This though, well, yeah. It's huge and very long.

But most of that length is taken up with providing interior accommodation.

62 stands for 6.2m long.

And they must expect customers to be as tall as they're rich,

though the chauffeur is hardly left perched on a packing crate.

I'm listening at the front,

this is the world's most powerful production engine.

And I think it's running.

Yeah, there's heat coming off it. It's running.

Passengers cossetted in what begs to be called the salon,

can gaze into the heavens or dismiss them at the touch of a button.

Thanks to a photo-electric sunroof.

I don't know.

Nearly 300 grand and it does look a bit sedate on the outside.

But maybe that's just the northerner in me complaining.

I mean, if I'd designed it,

I'd really let people know that 300 grand was coming.

It'd have fins, a glitter ball, neon,

big mahogany TV cabinet. That sort of thing.

The actual driving experience might be as relevant to potential owners

as how to change the oil,

but well, it'd be rude not to.

This... this is insane!

This car is truly enormous.

But it can get to over 60 miles an hour in 5.4 seconds.

That's thanks to a 5.5 litre V12, 550 bhp,

900 newton-metres of torque, that's the important one.

I not gonna bore you by telling you what torque is, if you don't know,

'cause I can't explain it.

But I tell you, 900 is a lot. It really is a lot!

Even up here, at the top of the motoring pile,

you can buy optional extras.

Not admittedly mats and alloys type stuff,

but you can have a walnut dividing panel

to separate the help in the front.

That's £20,000.

On the cheaper side, you can get an outdoor speaker system

for 1,200 quid, so you can shout at the peasants.

Oh, and that photo-electric sunroof.

That's ten grand.

What you do get is a personal liaison manager, or PLM.

Your PLM, by the way is another extra with the car,

but you don't pay any more for it.

You don't ring him to book servicing, so much as call him,

he'll get you Madonna tickets,

or move the Eiffel Tower three feet to the left,

'cause it's shadowing your Maybach, that kind of stuff.

You'd be in Sicily before you finish playing with all the toys.

I mean, essential executive equipment!

Two types of drink holder, remote DVD,

So, is it better than a Roller?

Well, of course it is! It's huge.

But it differs from a Roller in the same way it differs from Ferraris.

Those are both cars that kids have pictures of

on their bedroom wall. This isn't.

This isn't designed to bring a smile to the whole world.

The Maybach is designed to bring a smile

to the faces of the people who can really afford one.

It's a very different kind of car.

But the whole effect does begin to sink in after a while.

While I'm here, I might take advantage of the facilities, and,

there's a quick call that I really need to make.

Hello, is that Mr Dainty?

Good. Headmaster of Sharmans Cross Junior School? Late '70s.

Excellent. My name's Richard Hammond, Mr Dainty. You may not remember me.

Class 1A, Mrs. Levy's class. Yeah.

There's a few points I'd like to take up with you, actually.

Just thinking back to those days.

A few things you said. Yeah, you might remember.

"Amount to nothing." That was it.

"Go nowhere." That's me. "Short bloke."

This is the first one in the UK, so please, get in, climb in, have a look around.

Help yourself, go on. In you go.

You haven't been eating chocolate or anything, have you?

Nothing on your fingers? Or your shoes? They're clean?

Actually, if you're feeling a bit broke,

erm, there's a cheaper version, you know,

Maybach 57, and it's only £243,780.

- That's not bad. - Not bad at all.

25 grand deposit, which does hurt a little bit.

They look after you... don't break anything in there, will you?

Please don't break anything.

They look after you there, when you go to the factory,

if you're agonising over colour, you know, sometimes, "Blue or red?"

They actually have a series of domes

in which they can recreate the light

from anywhere in the world.

So, like, you live in Mombasa

and you want to know how a blue one will look? They can go,

"Mombasa light." There's your blue one.

You know what I've just thought of?

No, Jeremy.

- 280,000? - Yes.

I think that's pretty good value.

- Right. Because? - No, really and truthfully, think about it.

If you were to buy a house particularly in the south-east of England,

- you don't get much for £280,000. - Certainly not.

- Certainly, it won't be this big. - Probably not.

Furthermore, the owners of the house you buy

will take the curtains with them.

This comes with curtains.

- Fitted. - Included in the price.

How many houses do you know of that have got central locking?

- None. - Or double glazing?

Well, some have.

- And leather seats already there? And TV sets. - This is true.

And electric windows. I've never been in a house with electric windows. Ever.

And, come and look at this,

in a house, very easy to commit suicide.

- Yes, it is. - Look at this. Okay.

Just working this one out. There's a button here to close the boot.

Because, obviously you can't be bothered to do it yourself.

So, if you just put your neck down like that, okay?

- Press the button, and... - Bye, Jeremy.

It detects me and goes back up again.

Jeremy, how did you find that out?

I like to thoroughly road test a car.

That is thorough, isn't it?

Yeah, but I don't like to just go for a bit of a drive around Germany.

- I like to get it tested. - Trap your head in the boot.

So, in fact, it's safe, and a bargain.

- Precisely. - Amazing.

This week's insider trading news,

and last week, I showed you

how you could buy a brand new Ford Focus for under £10,000.

And we know that you can buy a brand new Suzuki Liana for £9,995.

- Reasonably priced car. - Reasonably priced car.

Well, Rover have entered the fray,

and they are now competing head-to-head with those cars.

The Rover 45, they're bringing out a limited edition,

the Spirit, that car normally is £11,650.

But you can go and buy that car today for £9,903.

That's even more reasonably priced

- than our reasonably-priced car! - It is indeed.

So we'll see who else responds to the challenge.

MG are also knocking 15% off some of the models.

Something like an MG ZT, which is the hot one,

- the 75. - That's the 75, yeah.

Yeah. That car - normally £21,150.

You can pick that car up now for £18,284. That's three grand off.

That is a lot off. It's still in Impreza territory, almost.

Yeah, it is. Different kind of car, but loads of fun.

Now, I've got a personal gripe.

If you have to replace your own tyres,

pay for your own tyres,

chances are you'll go into one of those specialist tyre and exhaust fitters.

They advertise, you know, "Prices can't be beaten!"

This kind of thing. National networks.

Well, I've got a feeling maybe they can,

- so I did a little bit of homework this week, and I phoned up Kwik-Fit. - Yep.

I phoned up four of the branches,

and my mate next door's got a 320 diesel BMW

so I thought I'll use that as an example.

Phoned up. They clearly have a very accurate pricing policy.

'Cause the first place I phoned, they told me

£587 for four tyres,

fitted with VAT and all that kind of stuff.

Okay, I thought. Phoned another Kwik-Fit.

Same price. 587 quid.

Next one, £580. Next one, 587.

So I thought, well, I wonder how much more it would be

to go to a BMW dealer, 'cause at the end of the day, they don't specialise.

So I phoned my local BMW dealer.

And what do you think the price was?

Well, I mean... I'm kind of suspecting it might be good.

But I would have imagined, BMW franchise dealer, it's going to be a lot.

I'd have thought, you know, six, seven, maybe a grand. Big money.

- Yeah. £420. - No.

Including VAT and fitting. £170 cheaper than Kwik-Fit.

And you've kind of got the security

that it was fitted at a franchise dealer.

I don't know if that makes any difference, but...

Well, it's BMW trained technicians.

They know their way around the car.

So I thought, well, okay, we'll try some other places.

Erm, I got the price down a little bit with some of the independent tyre places,

but the message is very clear.

Don't assume that the franchise dealer

is gonna be more expensive

than some of these Kwik-Fit places.

Get a couple of prices and negotiate between them.

- Shop around. - Save yourself 170 quid on that one alone.

Okay, but how about this for deal of the week?

Vauxhall Omega 2.2 CDX auto.

- Big car. - Big car.

£22,500 if you went to buy that car. List price £22,500.

But there is a dealer in the UK

that's is currently selling a brand new unregistered car

for £16,000.

16? That's an enormous saving.

- Six and a half grand off. - For a big old car.

Yep. 30% off list price.

But that was just one.

But does that mean if there's one...

There is an old adage. If there's one out there,

there's gonna be more than one out there.

So, I was offered one car.

But I'm sure if I dug a bit deeper, I could find a few more.

That is a very big saving on a very big car. Nice one.

Look at this. Look at this serious car.

This is a Bentley Arnage T.

It was built with Volkswagen money,

but it's still very, very British.

And you can tell that when you step inside.

Because, look, this is all loose

and the key is very slow motion.

But, you know, the doors on Westminster Abbey don't fit very well.

Nobody seems to care about that.

And that's the thing about Bentley.

They have a different approach to everything.

Most of the engines in today's big cars

are 21st century, fuel efficient tree huggers.

But the six and three quarter litre V8 in this Bentley

can trace its roots back to 1959.

The trees wither when they hear it coming.

It's big, Brunellian, and unbelievably powerful.

A few years ago, when Bentley was still independent,

it tried to kill this engine off.

But, when Volkswagen came along,

they brought it back and added a couple of turbos for good measure.

So what does it feel like then? All that power and torque?

Well, you know what it's like when you're

sitting outside on a hot, thundery summer's afternoon

and it's like you can feel the weight of the sky.

It's like an intangible presence.

Well, that's what it's like driving an Arnage T.

If Hollywood were to make a trailer for this car,

I know how it'd go.

"Bentley.

Fear beyond your wildest dreams."

"In a Bentley, no-one can hear you scream."

You're constantly aware that if you were sitting in this car at a zebra crossing,

and you revved the engine, anyone actually on the crossing

would be sucked through the radiator grille and into the engine.

Just driving along now you can feel it hoovering up leaves

and small stones as it goes along.

Eating the Tarmac.

You probably think there's nothing to be scared of,

probably think you can handle it, like heroin, but look,

I mean, I'm going 60 miles an hour,

just a little cough and we're doing 70.

And then we're going 80. And now we're doing 90.

And I'm starting to feel drowsy

'cause it's so relaxing as we go past 100,

and 110, 130!

And it isn't only fast in a straight line.

You ever wondered what Blenheim Palace would look like going sideways?

Well, I'll turn the traction control off.

And you need wonder no more.

You couldn't do this in an Audi or a Mercedes.

Driving the Bentley is like riding a brontosaurus bareback.

Actually, make that a T-Rex.

Hold on to your camera, man!

What did you drop the camera for?

I told you it was a frightening car!

So what we have here then is a three-ton car

that can do 0-60 in 5 and a half seconds.

A stately home that can power-slide!

Bentley are supposed to be sporting,

but this is manic, this is magnificent.

I therefore don't mind all these fiddly switches

and this loose centre console.

If you want perfection, buy a Mercedes.

Or marry your accountant.

Without a doubt, this is my favourite

of all the luxury barges that we've seen tonight,

even though there are a few things wrong with it.

First of all, it suffered from total brake failure

during the filming of that item.

Secondly, David Beckham's got one,

and thirdly, it costs exactly twice

what you'd pay for an S-Class Mercedes Benz.

But, as we can see from this mathematical formula here,

Omega, carry the one, it is exactly twice the car.

No, it is, really.

The only thing that remains now for us to do

is to find out how fast it goes around the track.

These are the times we've had so far. The Westfield is leading.

One minute, 23 seconds.

The only problem is, the Westfield weighs exactly the same

as one of the indicator stalks in this.

Let's see what happens. Over to you, Mr Stig.

Here he is. And he's off!

Building up the 645 pounds-feet of torque,

and heading down to the first corner, that's so fast!

Aw, no. It was Boston last week, and this week it's Ronan Keating and Lulu,

murdering Bob Seger's "We've Got Tonight".

Right, through the Hammerhead. The Bentley is struggling.

It doesn't have a limited-slip differential. Look, it's wet!

Oh, it's just spinning away all the power on that unloaded wheel!

Unleash the turbos and off down to the Follow-Through.

Two corners to go now.

Bacharach and Carpenters Curve.

1:23 to beat. Here he is. How's he going to go...

Look at that! And across the line in one minute 40 seconds.

Put a "W" there for wet.

Now that's not particularly fast I admit, for a car,

but it is very fast for a cathedral.

Which it is.

God, I love this thing. I absolutely adore it.

Right, on last week's show,

we had the multi-million pound fully tricked up Bond cars in the studio.

And they were fantastic. And they set us thinking.

We invited you to send in your ideas

for us to build a cut-price Bond car on a budget.

And I do mean a budget. 300 quid. We've done it!

And this is it! I can't say we've used all of your ideas,

Because some of them were frankly, a bit scary.

But we gave all the good ones to our own cut-price Q.

- Edd China. - Hello.

My, you are a tall one, aren't you?

- Yes, Agent 003 and a half. - Thank you, very much.

He's created this. It's um, it's a Rover 800, mate.

- It's a gentleman's car. - It is, in British Racing Green.

- The only colour we can have. Mmm. - That's very apt for Bond.

If you're wondering by the way, where everyone's gone,

they're over there.

They've sort of backed off.

But don't worry about us, we'll be... we'll be fine over here,

where the dangerous stuff is. Right, take-talk us through it.

- Well, I think the best thing is to get inside, first of all. - Okay.

- So I'll open the door for you. - Ordinary door handle.

- That doesn't trigger anything. - Absolutely normal.

- Standard Rover. - This is all right in here, actually. It's not bad!

Well again, it's a standard Rover dashboard.

But if you look next to the handbrake,

- our first gizmo! - Okay.

- Oh, like another handbrake? - Well, another handbrake.

You'd think that, of course. I mean, that's the idea, of course.

Now the thing is, if you can imagine the scenario, - Right.

You're driving along, minding your own business, - Yeah.

Just been down to the shops, whatever, and suddenly,

- maybe an assailant is behind you. - Right.

And they're giving you a bit of grief. A bit of road rage.

- As happens. - So first thing to do is try and shed them.

So if you were to push the red button there...

Right, what happens?

Well, we're going to shed thousands of balls behind us.

- Okay. - Okay, I'm gonna press it now. Here we go.

- Oh, my word, what happened? - They got balls everywhere!

Look at that!

Now, that'd see 'em off!

Well, obviously, normally, you might want to use maybe

boiling oil, fish fingers, that sort of thing. But balls'll do.

Now, how did you make this, just briefly?

Well, it was actually Auntie Maud's panic button.

- What, the red button is? - That's right.

I mean, she'll be okay for a couple of weekends.

So she presses that in her flat, loads of balls everywhere!

- Everywhere. - So, I mean...

And this is a bit of bike cable, so these are things

- you could build at home. - Absolutely, yes.

And kids, try this at home.

- Right, so we've got the balls out... - The thing is,

now, we've annoyed them, so now the chances are, they're gonna be shooting at us.

- They do that. - Yeah.

And I see... I suppose we need protection from that.

- We do. - Which brings us to the next gizmo.

Right. So we need... Oh, you're putting goggles on.

I think I'm gonna put goggles on,

because this is gonna get dangerous now.

Right. Okay. Well, we need a villain to do this.

Jason, where are you, mate?

Oh, look at that!

He does look actually quite scary!

- He's very sleek and quite scary. - I am quite fr-

- Right, so he's miffed and he's going to shoot at us. - Okay. He is.

Okay, fire away, baddie!

Fire away. Oh, my word!

I'm safe!

And that does look a lot like a tea tray.

Well, it is actually a tea tray.

But it's a bullet-proof tea tray.

- They're the best sort. - They are. It cost us £6.50.

- Charity shop? - Indeed. Charity shop.

Came with a trolley as well, which was quite nice.

- Oh, well found. Well I'll retract that now. - Excellent.

I like the way the spoiler goes up.

Well, now the thing is, obviously, now,

we've actually annoyed them even further.

- They're really gonna be cross. - Exactly.

So now, fantastically stunning manoeuvre,

handbrake turn, you now have them in front of them,

you have to blast them.

- I'm facing them now? - You're facing them.

You're gonna blast them out of the sky.

Right. Okay.

- So we've got guns? - We have guns.

But of course, James Bond would use

you know, nasty little gizmos and little buttons.

We've got something a bit more classy.

Fuzzy dice.

- Fluffy dice? - "Fluzzy" dice.

- Well these are the trigger? - Yup.

This fires guns. Well, we need a target.

And I think Jeremy... oh, look, perfect. The perfect target!

- I'm not the target! - Right.

But I have got you the perfect target.

Blofeld himself. Ready, everyone?

Oh! Look at that! Perfect!

All right, he can have it. Yes!

This is a very good job!

They're paintball guns, sort of stay hidden completely in there.

Yeah, they are hidden inside the wings. We've got...

And triggered with these? That's right. Well, the way it was done,

- 'cause most paintball guns are actually done manually. - Yeah.

We had to make kind of like a plastic finger,

and used a Metro windscreen wiper motor

as a kind of a cog to actually flick it round.

- Plastic finger? - So that's how they become... Yeah, well, you know.

Very Bond.

Right well, that seemed pretty much sorted I'd say.

What about this fella here?

Well, he's a bit more tricky.

I mean, obviously, normally, etiquette would suggest

you should ask him politely to leave,

but if then none of those work, then obviously, what we need to do

is vacate the vehicle ourselves.

- Right. - As we have another little trick up our sleeves.

Oh, right. Something awful's going to happen!

It is. What we need to do is grab hold of this.

That seat was wet, Edd!

I'm sorry. You're obviously enjoying yourself.

- I've got a doorbell! - We have.

It's a brass doorbell. It's no expense spared.

So, I think we need to get a little bit further away from the vehicle.

Exactly how far, Edd?

Well, a little bit more than that.

So how dangerous...

- How dangerous is this? - Possibly little bit more than that I think.

That would probably be...

Can I be as far as the audience?

- 'Cause they look safe. - That might be not a bad idea.

Right. So, and then it's this button here.

Yeah. I mean, ask him one more time.

Would you mind leaving my car, villain?

No? Right. Have this!

Hey!

That was fantastic!

Fantastic! And you as well, you were wonderful.

Erm, right, so we've got rid of him.

- We have. We've done violence. - You've got one more trick left.

- We have done violence. - We need fire and brimstone next.

- Nice. - And no Bond car would be complete

without some kind of rocket.

Okay, now this is... This is...

Well, this is a drainpipe, Ed.

It is a drainpipe. You're right. Very well-spotted there.

Something we can have a go at at home for ourselves.

Well, it is, well, what you need, of course,

is our fuel-cleaning missile.

Right. Okay. This is some sort of rocket.

Of course, also, there is always the opportunity

when you're driving along, you might actually have to have one of these.

Of course, you need a windproof lighter.

Oh, you've thought of everything! So I've got one of these.

- You got one on your side, have you? - I have indeed.

So what you have to do is open this little-

- And put this in. - Pop it in. Light it. I'll go around

to the other side, and do the same.

I'll put my goggles on as well, while you get around.

- That's not a bad idea. - That's very neat.

I'll put these on.

I don't think Bond wears these generally.

- Ah! - Safety first and all that.

I think mine are much smarter than yours.

- I like my green tint. - Windproof, that's genius!

Ready? Okay. Right.

- I'm going. - This is really gonna do...

I think we might have to stand back a bit.

I'm going to stand back a very long way.

Oh, look!

Edd! Edd, that was fantastic.

And I'm afraid we have to end it there.

We've got a lot of tidying up to do here,

and everywhere, frankly.

And we've got to get some flowers and some cushions and some potpourri

'cause we've got some girls coming on the show next week.

Er, but don't worry! We've also got

a five-and-a-half litre super-charged V8 Mercedes.

So, we'll see you then. Good night!

Subtitles modified from MTOD transcript Ripped by GLUE of QxR Edited/corrected for TGCC v2 by AlexGRFan97