Original subtitles

On tonight's Top Gear,

Steve Coogan has a go in our Reasonably-Priced Car.

Buying a used Nissan Skyline...

...and we give World Rally Champion, Richard Burns, a taste of his own medicine.

But first, there's the launch this month of a new British film

in which a very British hero drives a very British car.

I am, of course, talking about Harry Potter,

but since we couldn't get a Ford Anglia in time for this week's show,

I thought we could have a look at one of these instead.

It's the Aston Martin Vanquish,

and it's the kind of car you wanna take to the Riviera.

But this is Britain, so we don't have a Riviera.

So I took it to the Isle of Wight instead.

And here we are, in Cowes. This is old school Britain,

shops selling heavy jumpers, pubs selling heavy food.

So the Vanquish seems out of place.

It has a new type of chassis which is, theoretically, very, very light,

and the body is made of carbon fibre for the same reason.

You might imagine, then, that the Vanquish

is like modern British cuisine,

jus drizzled on to a spot of Rocket.

But no, it's a proper old steak and kidney pie, this.

It actually weighs more than the DB7

and that's made of angle grinders, and church pews.

The locals didn't seem unduly bothered about the excess weight, though.

And that's the best thing about driving a Vanquish.

Even though it costs £158,000, everyone loves it.

How much house can you get for that in the Isle of Wight?

Really? So let's have a look at the Estate Agent's Window.

What have you got for the price of Vanquish, then?

That house there?

Detached house, three bedrooms, lounge, whatever one of those is.

Three bedroom house for about the same as the Aston.

Would you rather have that house or that car?

- The car. - Good girl.

Definitely the car.

That's a six-litre, 460 horsepower, V12 engine.

You could attach that to your house and still do 0 to 60 in five seconds.

So in a car...

Those bends. Oh.

Just hurls you out of the corners. Just floor it and whaff! Bang!

Aw. That's a fast car,

that's a properly fast car.

So much power!

It's not just the power, either. It's the noise.

Listen to this.

Oh, I could get all flowery now

and tell you it sounds like lightning,

but actually what it sounds like is Tom Jones bending over

to pick up the soap while he's in the showers in Wandsworth nick.

That noise. Ready?

It is a wonderful noise

and I love the way this car looks, too.

I love the interior, I like the badge.

I like the fact James Bond has one. I like its Britishness.

You find yourself welling up as you growl along

on a wave of nationalistic pride.

I vow to thee, my country.

It feels as though I'm driving around in Douglas Bader himself.

But like Douglas Bader, the Vanquish has something missing,

a gear lever. Look.

Instead, I've got these Formula One-style paddles behind the steering wheel.

Right-hand side to change up, left-hand side to change down.

That means you have to keep both hands on the steering wheel

which is fine in Formula One.

No one talks on the phone in Formula One, or eats.

You try doing a three-point turn.

Here, look, I've ran out of island, I've got to do one.

So, er, reverse.

Pull both of them, that's neutral. Push that.

Wait, no, still hasn't. Yep, we've got reverse. Now.

Here we go, back up.

So I've got to get my foot off the brake,

and before we've rolled into the Atlantic, I've got to hit the accelerator.

But I mustn't hit it too hard,

or I'll end up in the lifeboat hut, doing about 140 mph.

So...

What a great gearbox. What a wonderful invention.

Well done, whoever thought of this.

What was the matter with a manual?

Why do we have to have this?

There are other problems, too.

It judders in town, and the clutch gives up completely

if you try to do a full-bore standing start.

That means the Vanquish has to wade into battle with one arm tied behind its back

and that's a problem.

Because look what's attacking it these days.

This is the new Ferrari 575,

fitted here with an equally new sports handling pack.

It costs about the same as the Aston. Both are two-seaters,

both are front engine, rear-drive GT cars.

Both do nearly 200 miles an hour.

Both do 0 to 60 in under five seconds.

So, which is the best?

Well, let's talk to the man who's driving the Ferrari.

Damon Hill.

- So, what's it like? - It's beautiful.

- Really? - Yeah. Yeah. It's just a lovely machine.

It's everything you expect from a Ferrari.

And it gives you that slight frisson, you know, a slight nervousness.

- Scary even. - It's like butterflies.

- Is it scary? - Yeah.

I mean, you have to pay it some respect, it's a prancing horse.

You know, you don't actually feel completely comfortable in the car.

You're enjoying driving it, but at the same time

you're very wary of losing concentration on it.

Well, I tell you what, you drive that now, I'll drive this.

Okay.

Meet up at the end, see what we think.

- And, erm, if I flash, okay... - Yeah.

It means I want to come by. If you just pull over,

- just get it out of the way, all right? - Right. Okay.

And you really think that is going to happen, do you?

What if I don't?

This has the same stupid gearbox as the Aston Martin.

But unlike the Aston, you don't have to have it.

You can save yourself £8,000, £8,000... and have a proper manual.

It's a little difficult to use words like awesome and very, very, very impressive

when you are used to Formula One cars.

Because after that everything else is a little bit sluggish,

but for what it is, this is a very, very impressive piece.

The nice thing is that you can dawdle around in this car

minding your own business going slowly.

And then just drop a gear and suddenly...

You're in Schumacher mode.

I like to hear the engine again. Take a listen to this.

Now it feels like a sports car.

Then with the driving over, we met up to make a decision.

- The Ferrari. - And for me.

- Ferrari. - Yeah.

It's just more complete, somehow.

I think it gives you that shot of adrenaline, doesn't it? Which...

...really, the Aston doesn't.

And then there is the power of that Ferrari which is just immense, isn't it?

I don't think I can remember ever having been in a road car

where my head's been thrown back.

- Really? - You know, in second gear,

it just is doing that with your head.

I mean that has got some serious acceleration on it.

- First, it has got 515 horse power. - Yeah.

- But... - And the Aston has only got 460.

Yeah, and the Aston's a lot heavier.

So one thing that kills acceleration is weight.

The thing is, though, there are certain aspects of the Vanquish

that I'd quite like to see on the Ferrari. I love the way it looks.

- And the sound. - And the noise.

I have to say, it actually disappointed me when I got back in the Ferrari.

- It did. - You couldn't hear anything.

Well, it sounds like a Ford Fiesta.

But if you have those looks, and the noise,

and there's something that makes people like you more if you're in an Aston.

I think you would be allowed out of more side turns

than you would if you had the Ferrari,

when you are a bit of a Schumacher.

Hmm. We don't want that!

Jeremy, you were doing 40 miles an hour there?

Absolutely. We never exceeded the speed limit

once in the entire making of that film there.

I have to say, though, it was, for me, one of the greatest days,

honestly and truthfully. Ferrari, Aston Martin, sun shone, Damon Hill.

It was just heaven.

And, what made it particularly exciting

was that the local Isle of Wight radio station decided, in its wisdom,

to broadcast the fact over the air that.

Damon and Jeremy were down there with an Aston and a Ferrari.

"Why don't you all go along and have a look?"

So I came around the corner, at 40 in the Ferrari,

and there he is with his hair greased down,

"I brought my dormer down for you to have a look." Oh, God.

We then herded them off the road. It was just heaven.

But you loved this, didn't you? You loved the 575.

575 is a fabulous, fabulous car, But it must be stressed,

the one that I drove there had the Fiorano Handling Pack on it.

Which transforms the car, apparently.

Standard suspension, a bit wallow-y, a bit soft.

- But this one was sporting the Aston box... - Gearbox.

The gearbox, just, honestly...

- How bad was that? - It just ruins it.

You just think just change it

'cause it's affecting the second-hand values.

Oh yeah. I mean, if you went out with a slug of money,

you'd struggle to buy a 575.

What's the waiting list on that now?

Well, at list price, it's kind of 12-18 months.

- Really? - Yeah.

I mean, if you want to pay a premium you can get one before.

But with a Vanquish, I could get you one next week list price.

- Really? - Yeah.

And second-hand, whilst you will see them advertised at strong money,

if you try to trade one in, it's a different story.

The story of these cars going six months old,

with, like, 50 grand depreciation.

So 170 new, 120 secondhhand.

So basically, then, the Ferrari is a winner as far as an investment's concerned.

It's a winner on the road. But, what about on the track?

It should be a foregone conclusion here too, but The Stig had just bought himself.

So, we let him loose obviously in the Aston Martin first of all.

Here he comes now... last little section, coming across the line after Carpenters.

Corner here.

And it's one minute, thirty-six seconds.

Now, into the Ferrari, with his Boston CD again.

One minute, thirty-six to beat. The final corner here.

Is he going to do it? 1:36, and...

Predictably, it is quicker than the Aston, okay?

But, and this is amazing, by one second.

- Is that all? - The time is 1:35.

Now I am going to put that on the board.

There they both are, behind the Noble.

But remember, it was... I've underlined W for wet. It was that wet.

It really was horrendous out there.

Don't think that put The Stig off, though.

He really tried because this happened.

About 140 miles an hour through this corner.

That's not bravery, doing that. That's just stupidity.

Now, we've got a bit of a Formula One theme going on tonight

which is why this has come into our little world.

You see, Formula One teams are forever telling us that the technology and gizmos

on their cars, eventually filter down to the cars that you and I buy every day.

Well, on that basis, we'd all be driving around now

in a 1998 McLaren as driven by Ayrton Senna

and, of course, we're not.

In fact, the only technology I can think of

that Formula One has given us

are those stupid gearboxes that we don't want anyway.

Now, rallying, that's a completely different animal.

Sure. It has contributed one word to the English language.

Does anybody want to hazard a guess what that word might be?

Anorak.

Anorak. You'd know, sir. You'd know.

Absolutely right. It's not an Eskimo word.

It's what people wear on the Welsh hillsides when they are sitting in the rain.

But, rallying has given us quite a lot more,

besides. Turbo charging. Four-wheel Drive.

And, if you walked into a BMW showroom and said "Can I buy this,"

they'd say, "No. You can't."

But, you can buy a Mitsubishi Evo VII.

You can buy a Subaru Impreza.

And this has been going on for ages.

You could buy an Audi Quattro or an Escort Cosworth or a Delta Integrale.

Rallying gives us the cars.

And there's something else it gives us, a World Champion.

And he's here. Ladies and Gentlemen, Richard Burns!

- How are you, Richard? - Good.

So what are they going to do about Formula One?

Erm, try to make it more interesting.

Try to make it as interesting as Rallying.

Well, that's it, you know, 'cause Rallying is always seen

as the poor relation, isn't it?

But actually, it's coming quite good now.

I think it is. There is more manufacturers in it.

There's a lot more people who can actually win a rally now

than there is in Formula One.

And I just... I hope that some of the people who are...

Stopped watching that are going to start watching this.

Yeah, that true. It's been kind to you, let's be honest.

- Let's be honest. - I was seeing two papers this week.

Twice as much you're earning now as Jenson Button.

Oh, really? Well, I'm twice as old as he is.

Yes.

- And you're a tax exile. - I am.

- Got a house in Andorra. - I have.

- Got a girlfriend. - Yeah, which you need money for. Obviously.

Yes. And you've still got ginger hair.

You haven't spent any money there.

- Yeah, well, I did cut most of it off. - Yeah.

Why do you drive one-handed? That's what I can't understand.

It looks like you're really not trying.

I mean, put both hands on the wheel, man. You'll go faster.

Got power steering. It's easy.

But why do you do it? You've always just got one hand on the wheel.

I used to but now you've got the gear change on the wheel then it's like...

- Oh, you haven't got that as well, have you? - Sorry.

It's rubbish, it doesn't work.

- It does with me. - That's why you've lost the championship.

Because of your gearbox. Actually, no, why have you lost it?

Um, we've had a fairly average year

and our teammate has had a spectacular one. Simple as that, really.

- We. No, you have. - Me and Robert.

- We're a team. - Oh, of course you are a team.

- I have to listen to him. - Yeah, exactly.

And he caused you to have a good crash, didn't he?

That was totally his fault. Yeah.

I had a quite big accident a few weeks ago, in New Zealand.

Erm, when it was totally my fault.

The speed was right, but the corner was too tight.

When you were younger, you didn't like going to pubs and discos,

and you preferred the company of Rally people.

Yeah, but then I grew up,

and I had that money you were talking about,

and found out what all that was about.

So now I do go to the pub.

To be honest, I think if you don't allow yourself to live a slightly normal life,

you're going to want to shoot yourself fairly quickly, I would think.

Well exactly. I mean, I saw a picture of your great rival Colin McRae the other day

tucking in on a race to a curry sauce and chips.

Now, I've never seen a Formula One driver going,

"I'll have the curry sauce on that."

They are not cultured enough.

Anyway, of course, it's the, erm... what's it called now?

Network Q Rally GB.

...starts next, well, later this week, isn't it?

- Yeah. - What day is it?

- Starts on Friday. Yeah. - Friday. Okay.

- And you've won that three times. - Three times.

You've done your research.

You sit in the car, you've got a heater, haven't you?

- We've got a heater. - So you are quite comfortable.

Have you ever thought, what would it be like... come with me.

Have you ever thought what would it be like

for the people who have to turn up and spectate on the rally?

I remember, I did... I used to do that.

- You did? - Yeah.

Well, I'm not sure whether you have really got it at the forefront of your head.

So I want to give you a flavour of what it is to be like to be a rally spectator, okay?

So if you would just like to step out there. Thanks very much.

Right, um...

Now, we'll leave him out there

until his whole head's turned blue.

What about a car that's got nothing to do with Formula One,

and nothing to do with Rallying?

The Nissan Skyline.

It's basically a huge PlayStation, with an exhaust pipe on the back.

And if you're interested in buying a secondhand one,

there's a few things you need to know.

In the world league table of supercars,

Japan has only made one real contribution, the Nissan Skyline.

It may not have the looks and the pedigree of an Aston Martin or Ferrari,

but then again, it never had the price tag, either.

But it certainly had the pace.

Wherever it went racing, it crushed the opposition.

In fact, in the Australian Touring Car series

they changed the rules so the car could be outlawed.

The Skyline's strength lies under the skin

where you'll find a 276-brake horsepower,

twin turbo, and an incredible computer-controlled chassis

that can be two-wheel drive when you want it

and four-wheel drive when you need it.

But it's all over for this Techno titan

because this year they stopped building Skylines.

And Japan's cut-price supercar is now available only as a secondhand buy.

In all, there were three models to choose from,

the R32 which was built in the first half of the '90s,

the R33 which comes around from '96 to '99,

and finally, the imaginatively-named R34.

Which, with a 0 to 60 time of 5.2 seconds,

and a top speed of 155 miles per hour, was the best of the breed.

That was nice.

Not only is it blisteringly quick,

but it's almost idiot-proof to drive

with that computerised chassis capable of turning Maureen into Michael Schumacher.

A really clever tool converter, you've got active dual control.

There are sensors all around on the wheels

and gyroscopes telling how fast you are cornering and accelerating.

They chuck all that information into a 16-bit processor

and the outcome is, the car kind of looks after you.

It doesn't half make a corner quick.

What about the display here? Look at this. Ooh!

As we drive along,

we can check how many G we are going round corners.

We can check the, er, turbo boost.

We can check the torque to the front wheels.

I mean, it is going to keep you occupied for, what... minutes!

Fantastic bit of kit.

It really is a car for the PlayStation generation.

Big fan of the car. We all are, obviously, great car.

Which one should you buy?

Well, the first thing you've got to realise about the Skylines

is that, they're mainly bought as playthings.

So if you get on looking at one, you can find a car with quite low mileage

that's got, like, three or four owners on it.

Because basically, they wheel it out, do a track day, drive it home.

So you've got to understand that.

And the other thing is, you've got to be aware

- that a lot of them are grey imports. - Yeah.

And the problem is, when you bring a car in from Japan,

yeah, but you kind of you lose the service books and you often lose mileages.

They have a little hair cut on the mileage.

Yeah, a little haircut, a little trim.

Somewhere coming round past Dubai, I'll just trim a couple of thousand miles off.

- That's what's happening is it, with them? - Well... Yeah, it is. It is.

Okay, and so what should you look for?

What kind of things are they known for?

Well, I mean, they're a well-put-together car

and a lot of things about them are very, very good

but depending on the model there are things that do go wrong.

The R32s, for example, the brake discs on them sometimes explode.

- Erm... - Explode?

- Explode, yes. - What, bang?

Bang. Just... well, kind of disintegrate,

and they are 500 quid a pair to replace.

- You don't want that. - Don't want that.

On the later cars, on the 33s,

you also get synchro problems on the gearbox on third and fifth.

Erm, you can sort it, but it's going to cost you about £1,000.

Okay. And this one, the 34?

The 34 is pretty much bullet-proof.

- Really? - Yeah. But it's a lot of money to buy.

- Is it? How much is it? - Yeah.

You are looking at £40,000 for one of these.

Well, that's the cheapest it'll go?

- At the moment, about £40,000 for a UK car. - Really?

Yeah. I mean, it'll drop. But at the moment...

And what about the question of tuning them?

'Cause most of them... and I've driven one that's got 1,000 horsepower.

Yeah. Well, I mean, the standard car has got 276 brake horsepower,

which, to be fair, is plenty.

The minute you start putting chips on them,

you're going to start getting turbo wear.

The normal turbo will last about 60,000 miles,

and it costs you about £1,500 to replace. Twin turbos.

The minute you put a chip on that, you start bumping that power up,

you're going to shorten the life of that turbo.

So you really want to try and find one that is unchipped, unmolested.

- Yeah. As standard as possible. - Which is actually pretty hard.

And one other thing to note on these things... obviously, a four-wheel drive

and when you are checking the tyres, see the tyres on these are about £250 a piece.

- So that's £1000 for all four corners. - Thousand pounds for a set.

And the other thing is, the way the geometry is on the Skyline.

They don't wear out on the outside of the tyre, they wear out on the inside.

- So like an Escort Cosworth? - Just like an Escort.

5000 mile on an Escort Cosworth, tyres have gone on the inside.

Yeah. The thing is, when people look at tyres, they normally just go,

"Okay, yeah, there's some tread on that."

So what you need to do is, turn it right on full lock,

get your hand in there, feel the inside, feel the tread on that.

- 'Cause otherwise you're in to £1,000. - Hmm. Good tip.

- Okay, so we've got the 32, 33, 34? - Yeah.

- Which one do you reckon? - Well, the 32 you can pick up for about ten, twelve grand,

but, to be fair, they are quite long in the tooth now,

they are quite old cars.

Erm... the 33, well yeah.

You can pick one of those up for about 20 grand.

And the 34, as I say, is 40 grand.

So probably on balance

the best value car is going to be the 33.

'Cause it's about the same as the 34, isn't it?

Yeah, absolutely same brakes, Brembo brakes, same engine, same twin turbo.

Okay, a little bit older but, you know, it's half the price.

Half the price. Brilliant.

- Let's do some news. - Okay.

The News this week for petrolheads dominated largely

by the continuing saga of Formula One,

and how to make it more interesting.

And what they've decided, as far as the racing is concerned, is to do nothing.

- At all? - No.

They're just going to sit there with their fingers crossed.

- It might get better. - And hope it's more interesting.

A couple of weeks ago you came up with a theory, though, to improve it

which was basically to get rid of all the electronic gizmos,

- and effectively give us F1 Unplugged. - Yeah.

- That's not a bad idea. - Yeah, but we've got a better idea.

What you've got to do is

you've one point for qualifying on pole, yeah?

You've one point for winning the race.

And then you have a point

- every time you overtake someone. - Yeah.

It's brilliant. You see, the thing is. It is brilliant, this.

Michael Schumacher would still be World Champion.

He'd qualify on pole, get a point,

then at the start of the race he'd have to engage fourth,

slow start, drop to the back,

then he would spend the next two hours overtaking everyone.

We see overtaking manoeuvres.

- Perfect. - It's brilliant.

Yeah but, if, Coulthard and all the frontrunners are slowing up.

Yeah.

Conceivably, some idiot in a Minardi could wait and...

And by the first corner they got 20 points in the bag, take everybody.

Yeah, it would be better to start at the back, wouldn't it?

So the qualifying would be funny.

It would be how slowly could you drive round.

But then may be the lights would go green and no one would go anywhere at all.

You're right. They'd just be sitting there.

The lights have gone green. It's a good job.

Murray Walker wouldn't still be commentating on this one.

And, no, hang on, because they would the lights would go green.

Nobody would move at all.

- And you'd sit and then it would be chicken. - Yeah.

I am going to go now now, now, the first corner.

- There would be great crashes. - It won't work.

- It won't work. - No.

Here is one, you might have seen this.

This lad... 19-year-old lad.

He's just got out of jail, he's got one of those electronic tags on.

He's been joyriding so much, stealing so many cars.

So he's under curfew, he can't go anywhere. Erm...

He has just won £9.7 million on the lottery.

- And your point is? - Well, my point is this, frankly, Jeremy,

that and that alone proves there is no God.

Talking of God, we put a request out last week for men of the cloth

to get in touch if they wanted to come and drive round our track

'cause we're looking for the world's fastest religion, yeah?

Erm...

No, really we are. And we have had a lot of email responses.

This could do the world good.

There is a particularly good one here

from The Reverend Danny Wignall,

who writes to say that he wants to give it a try,

and by the way, "Did you know that Jesus drove a Honda?" he says.

Jesus says in John's Gospel chapter 12 verse 49,

"For I did not speak of my own Accord, but..."

There is a man who knows his Bible.

No, no, it gets better. The Reverend...

The Reverend Philip Sutton is also keen to come on the show.

He says that King David... driving fast is a fine biblical tradition,

for the Bible makes clear that King David rode a British motorbike.

The quote is "The roar of David's Triumph was heard throughout the land."

The thing is, though, they're all kind of Anglican. They are all Vicars.

Erm, now we've got one Methodist, which is good.

We're okay for Hindus.

We've even had the Hare Krishna, which is good.

But we are still down on Rabbis

and we are down on Imams...

- Buddhists. - No, we're okay for Buddhists.

It's basically, we are down on Rabbis.

So if you are a Rabbi, come and have a go.

- Excellent. - Okay.

This week's insider dealing. Well, it's a funny old time of year

because by this time of year, all the manufacturers are looking back

and saying, "Well, we had this target,

"we had this objective to sell this many cars this year.

"We're seven weeks from the end of the year.

"Are we gonna hit our targets?"

And they're all sort of... They are all hanging on to see if they will

but what will happen, and it happens every year,

in the next couple or three weeks they'll go, "Oh, no, we're not"

and they'll suddenly start doing some blinding deals.

So our simple advice is, if you are going to go out

and buy a new car in the next couple of weeks,

and you're happy to have it this side of the new year...

Wait. Let 'em sweat.

Yeah? In the next two to three weeks they will be offering some blinding deals.

And presumably, some manufacturers, this affects more than others,

some haven't sold their targets or whatever.

Yes it's the people that are down, basically, on the year.

I mean, we have spoken about Alfa Romeo, their deal last week.

Fiat a little bit down. Subaru are doing deals already.

You're not going to walk into a BMW dealer and find a great deal

because they are up. Jaguar are up.

So it's the people that are suffering a little bit in the marketplace.

It happens every year. If you can hold your nerve,

go in the next couple weeks, you are going to get a real bargain.

One manufacturer that has made an announcement about a good deal.

The Ford Focus came out in October '98 in the UK.

It's been out four years now. Now when that car came out

it was actually £12,500 for the base model. That's a 1.4.

Four years on, they are doing a deal where you can buy a brand new five-door, 1.6,

with air conditioning for £9,995.

That's the same as our Suzuki.

That's a reasonable price. It's a reasonably-priced car.

- And frankly nice though the Suzuki is... - It's looking dodgy.

It's looking dodgy.

And that deal, as well, that deal actually runs till January 15th,

so you haven't got to have the car this side of Christmas.

- Which is gonna enhance... - Do you get it on the new plate?

- I mean, not on plates, but the new year. - Get it on the new year.

So that helps the value as well.

Now anybody else who's fairly young, who looks to buy a car,

will find the insurance premiums are really, really high.

You'll be looking at quotes on even a reasonably small car

up to £2,000, fully comprehensive.

So if you can get free insurance, that's worth a lot or money.

Now Renault, at the moment, are doing a deal on new Clios.

So on their, sort of, the entry level models...

The cars called the Dynamic and the Extreme.

A 1.2 and a 1.5 diesel. I have got a picture of them there.

Very pretty little cars. Very nice to drive.

If you are between 19 and 80, subject to a few conditions,

you can go and buy a new car and get free insurance.

And it's only 19. That's probably worth a couple of thousand pounds.

So that's a good deal.

One thing that really, really bugs me

and this is kind of my soapbox now.

You'll see these deals advertised in the paper

and it will look like you can buy a fantastic car for like no money.

I saw one recently for a Lotus Elise, which is a great car,

and it said "You can drive a Lotus Elise for £199 a month."

Which is like, "Wow you know, let's all get one."

And then you look at the small print and the deposit is £8,000.

That's a car.

Now on that basis, I mean, like anything

if you put in a big enough deposit

you can have anything for any price.

So this week only,

I am offering new Porsche 911 Turbos

for £99 a month.

Phone me up, I can supply you with it.

Of course, there is a small deposit issue of £84,000.

But £99 a month, you can all have a 911 Turbo.

Right. Bargain.

Right, big story for me this week comes from the world of film,

and I'm not talking about Harry Potter, all right?

My children are talking about Harry Potter, nothing else but.

Yes, I know.

Talking about James Bond. New film: Die Another Day,

and great news, because after 15 years of unforgivable disloyalty,

Bond is back in an Aston.

And this is it. Bond's Aston Martin Vanquish.

Now obviously, a Bond car, it's got to do clever stuff, and it does.

We have got the obligatory ejector seat in there,

and then down here, at the front, the grille drops down

and out come two machine guns. And then... ooh, thank you.

And then four missiles. Thank you.

Four missiles.

Well, for once, Bond is completely outdone by the baddie.

This is his car, a Jaguar XKR

and it doesn't have four missiles in the front,

it has 18 missiles that come out there.

It also has spikes in the tyres,

and we can peel down the bottom of the door here

to reveal two heat-seeking missiles.

It also has central locking.

You can lock both doors and the boot

with a simple press on a button on the key fob.

Then behind the driver's seat and the passenger seat

it has a bullet-proof screen which rises up like so.

A Gatling gun, obviously.

Listen to that.

That's a great Bond noise, isn't it?

I love things that do that.

But the pièce de résistance is here in the boot.

Open it up.

Mortar Bombs in the back!

Oh, love it.

You absolutely had to, didn't you?

But that's just fire power.

Bond has sophistication and brains on his side.

So, yes, the baddie fires his mortar bombs.

From here, emerge two shotguns

specially designed, with a rather pitiful noise, to shoot them out of the sky.

But interestingly, it was those along with the missiles at the front

that gave them a rather interesting problem when they built this car.

Because so much space was taken up,

that underneath here you can... ooh, there go the guns.

- Got away with it there. - Erm...

They had to get rid of the original V12 Aston Martin engine.

It was too long, so they replaced it with this Mustang V8.

It's that much shorter. There's more room.

And the really good news about that, of course,

is because the Aston Engine's gone

so's the stupid gearbox. Look!

Bond gets a proper automatic.

Which is a good job 'cause, of course,

if he had to do a three-point turn with the stupid flappy paddles,

the world'd blow up by the time he'd finished.

Interestingly, despite the rather depressing

difference in firepower between the two cars,

under the surface they're really very similar.

They have both got that same Mustang V8

and they have both been converted to four-wheel drive,

which they had to be, because in the film, they have to be driven on ice.

The thing that really excites all of us about this

is that in this world of computer generation,

they could have just got some boffin in a computer

to type away and computer animate the things

but they didn't. They built them for real.

Here they are, actual, real Bond cars, in the metal.

Well, that got us thinking 'cause we thought,

"Well, you know, if they can do it,

we're Top Gear. We can build a Bond car."

There was one problem, obviously.

It took 20 men eight months to make these cars

and they had a budget...

well, for the four-wheel drive system alone of £1.5 million.

And our budget was?

Well, Jeremy, it's 300 quid.

Exactly, and that has to include the car.

- Erm, now we have bought that already. - Yeah.

A Rover 820. That cost us 200 quid.

So we have basically got 100 quid for all the gadgets.

So if you have got any ideas...

'Cause it's really difficult.

Jeremy has got some ideas, but all of your ideas

are, without exception, well, potentially lethal

for everybody involved. They are quite dangerous.

We need some ideas that will work,

particularly in the ejector seat department.

We've got a budget of £50 for that.

And it's quite tricky to get that to work.

So if you have got that, or any other idea for our Bond car,

write to use here at, erm...

"I've got a really good idea for your Bond car on the cheap."

BBC Top Gear, White City, 201...

201 Wood Lane, London, HAMMOND: W12 7TS.

Or you can visit the website on the internet.

Or text messages.

Now, the marriage between James Bond and Aston Martin

is one of the greatest ever. Really, it was perfect.

That photograph of Sean Connery leaning against his DB5 in the Alps,

a publicity picture for Goldfinger,

was just wonderful. Really was.

But I think it's fair to say that since then,

there has been an even better automotive marriage.

It's three days before Christmas,

and I drive the Rover Vitesse Fastback to the Royal Norwich Hospital.

You can't park here.

I have got special permission

because I am distributing a large box

of second hand toys to the sick children.

Shall we meet the man, then,

who put Alan Partridge in a Rover Vitesse?

Ladies and gentlemen, Steve Coogan.

- How are you? - I'm very well.

- Good, have a seat. - Thank you.

And of course, the great news is, Partridge is back.

- Is he? - Yes.

- Oh, great. Oh, all right. - He's on our screens.

Is he still in his Rover?

Ah, no, Alan's not in a Rover any more

because we thought we'd laughed enough at Rovers.

By rights, Alan would probably be in a Jaguar by now,

the small X-Type, is it? Small?

He'd probably be in one of those, but that's not funny.

So we thought we'd put him in a Lexus.

A Lexus?

Lexus, because, for some reason the word Lexus...

The word, "I drive a Lexus..."

...sounds funnier than "I drive a Jaguar."

It's not quite as funny.

You would like to see a clip of the new Partridge thing.

Yes. Come on, let's run it, let's have a look.

Hey, look, a Lexus. Hey, it's a better one than yours.

It's interesting, Michael, since owning a Lexus,

it's amazing the number of Lexii you see around.

'Cause that's the plural. Hm?

- The Daily Mail? - Yeah.

- Arguably, the best newspaper in the world. - Ooh, yeah.

- Nice Lexus. - Yes, I love Lexii.

I have a thing that I say about Lexus.

- It's like the Japanese Mercedes. - Japanese Mercedes.

Yeah, well, I hate Mercs. People who drive them are just sa-ah-ad.

- Are you wearing Lynx? - Well-smelt.

- Voodoo! - Java!

- Alan Partridge. - Dan Moody.

Nice to meet you.

Fantastic.

So this is where he hangs out now, in petrol stations.

Well, I used to work at a petrol station,

and it was one of those old-fashioned ones where you go in, you, uh...

You put the... wWe still served the customers.

So people who liked to have their oil changed

and their windscreen wiped, would come into our garage.

And one of the guys who was coming was Bernard Manning.

He used to come in in a white Lincoln Continental

with white plastic seats, and white steering wheel.

It was all white and white vinyl roof.

And he'd come in, and I think, probably because he couldn't get himself out

he'd go... the actual window would go down and he'd go,

"Fill 'er up, sunshine, and watch the paintwork."

The thing about, erm, Partridge... he's made a video,

Which I can hardly wait to see.

Well, it's one of those videos where they cobble together a load of car crash stuff.

And there is a little bit of Alan's delivery in the car crash video

that, you know, I probably owe you some money for it, because you inspired it.

Its where Alan sort of says the video...

These videos of car crashes are called things like.

One of those he's released is called "Crash Bang Wallop, What a Video."

And it's one of things where the camera speeds towards his head

and goes...

And he goes, "Crash. Bang. Wallop.

"What a video."

And it's that... it's that intonation of saying I'm finishing off a sentence,

and going like that at the end of it.

So actually, I've created this monster.

Erm, I wouldn't give you that much credit.

Oh, no...

But you're partially responsible.

Now, I have to say, my favourite pairing you ever did,

man and machine was Gareth Cheeseman.

Do we all remember Cheeseman?

Okay, Cheeseman, top character.

Erm, in fact, shall we just show a clip,

remind those of you who can't remember the magnificent show.

I shall be nice to you. Here it is.

You're the best!

You're number one!

You're a tiger!

Now does anybody remember what car he drove?

Exactly. He drove a Ford Probe, didn't he?

D'you know what happened to the sales figures of the Probe

after that programme was broadcast?

Well, I know it wasn't a hugely successful vehicle.

No but it WAS a hugely successful vehicle.

That was November '95 I think that went out.

Now, the year before that went out they sold 6,200.

Shortly after that went out, or immediately after that went out,

2,400.

You killed the Ford Probe.

And if anybody is watching tonight, from Lexus,

don't bother going to work in the morning.

Basically, you've had it.

How much of an anorak are you then

to be able to put Cheeseman in exactly the right car and Partridge?

Unfortunately, I am a lot of an anorak.

I mean, I went to the Motor Show this week

and I was looking around at all these people with carrier bags

full of brochures thinking, "God, you sad bastards."

And then I looked down and I was carrying one.

And Volvos, you are particularly good on.

Well, I am. 'Cause my Dad always had driven Volvos his whole life,

so I am sort of quite good on details of those.

Ok, well, look, this is what we've got here

is a pile of Volvos, okay?

I am going to pass bits to you

and I promise, faithfully,

we aren't cheating.

He has not seen these things.

And we're going to find out if he is as good as he thinks he is.

Hardest one to start with, okay.

All right, okay, that's the hubcap off.

I'm pretty certain it's off a one... Uh...

- The, 122 Volvo 122. - No, later.

Later? One...

You are right with the one. I mean, I'm impressed with the one.

It's 1... 144.

It's a hubcap from a 144.

Can you remember the years the 144 was with us?

The 144 went from, I think, '69 to about 7...

Uh, about '76,

when the 2-series took over.

This is amazing.

All right, then do you this. First of all, do you know what it is?

It's the interior armrest of a two-series model.

So a 245.

No, no, it's earlier again, I'm afraid.

This is off a 145, 144.

Yes, it's off a 144.

Well, okay, but let me just revise that.

This may be off a 144, but-but earlier...

Hang on, earlier they had...

No, I am mistaken. It is a 144.

- Well... - It's a door.

I know it, yeah. I know that.

You know it? Because the seals used to go here and here.

There should be a frame attached to it

but the rust, there used to be rust spots here and here.

Yeah, but interestingly, the frame, I think I am right in saying

was only attached on later models.

Was welded and it was bolted on this one.

I believe that to be the case.

I didn't know that and I'm very impressed.

But that part is common to both

the 144, 145 series and 16...

Oh, no, because the handle... Ah.

No. No, because there was a chrome pull door...

Chrome door handle that stood out from the door, rather than flush like that.

- Yeah. - But on the earlier...

So it's either a late 144, 145.

But it could equally be... you could fit that

to a 244, 245.

But of course, you have to bear in mind

the 244s did have the welded doorframes.

- These had them bolted. - So it's a 144.

Late... late one. Late one. Late one.

Okay, that's a steering wheel off,

it could be off an early 240 series,

but it's more likely to be off again off...

You're right. You're absolutely right, that's a 144.

And this is stunning.

- Erm, sounds though. Door slams. - Er, yeah.

Well I can tell the difference between...

Not lots of door sounds, but, erm...

[STUTTERING I mean, I found... I know you're not,

and I am a fan of the 993 Porsche Carrera,

and I like the build quality.

And also, interestingly enough, the old Porsches, the sort of the bolts

they put them together with were this long and the 996, the bolts are this long

'cause that's when the number crunchers came in

and made them share lots of parts and cut costs to make things...

So the bolts are shorter. So could we play the sound of a door closing now?

The 996, the difference, the sound of the door opening 993.

- 993. - I could tell the difference.

Okay, can we do that? Can we play that in?

One.

Okay, the first one was a 993, the second was a 996.

He's right.

There is a very definite click, a tight click to the 993.

That's what it is, is it?' Yeah.

God Almighty. I don't know why we don't swap seats.

No, because then I would have to go off and be Alan Partridge.

No, because then I would have to dress like you.

Now, of course, you're not just here to identify bits of cars

or the noises they make.

You're here to drive round our track.

Every week, as you know, we have a star in a reasonably priced car,

that's the Suzuki Liana. £9995,

with a roll cage in there.

Now, earlier today, you did that.

- How do you think it went? - Er...

Well, it was absolutely bucketing down.

So let's find out, let's have a look at Steve on the track.

I should write my will I suppose but, er, I really don't have the time.

Any idea how fast you got up to down here?

I have no idea.

I'm glad I cleaned me teeth.

There's a gradual build-up of terror

by the looks of things, starting with mild panic.

Oh, that's quite neat.

- And there you are. - Mm-hmm.

Now, these are the times that we've had so far

from all the various people who have been on the show. Stig's still 1:36.

Okay, and it was wet, remember?

Because some people have gone round when it was dry.

Well, we've only had one wet one so far.

It was Ross Kemp last week did it in one minute, last week, 54 seconds.

Okay.

So that's really your benchmark time.

- Do you want to know? - Yeah, go on.

- How fast you were? - Yeah, go on.

One minute...

fifty-three seconds!

Yes!

- Yes! - And I'll put that here.

Coogan,

one minute, 53.

- Ross Kemp's going to be so angry about that. - I beat Ross Kemp.

Erm, right, now...

We've got Richard Burns standing outside at the moment.

We're sort of letting him know what it's like to be a spectator

on a rally in England, or Wales or Scotland.

We can see a picture of him out there now. Yes, there he is.

Chilled to bits and nothing much happening.

He's waiting for the Newbury Carpets Nova to come rumbling by.

Yes. There it is, round the lights

and there is a face full of gravel.

That guy's got a face full of gravel.

That's basically rallying, Richard.

That's what we have to put up with.

So we'll leave him out there for a little while longer.

But, Steve, time to part. Thanks very much for coming.

Ladies and gentlemen, Steve Coogan!

Now, we've noticed something recently.

All of the Formula One manufacturers, with the exception of Ferrari,

make a mid-range two litre-îsh four-door family saloon.

All of them. Honda, Toyota, BMW, the lot.

So we've got them all together to fight it out.

This is not F1. Look at that grid.

There are no girls dancing around in their pants to keep us entertained,

There is no throng of celebrities trying to kid on they know their drivers.

I'm wearing corduroy.

No, this is real life.

Later on, The Stig will be driving all of these cars round our test track,

and establishing which really is the fastest in our sales-rep F1.

But first, we need to set up the grid order

to see who's on pole and who's lurking at the back.

And we're gonna do that according to things that matter,

value, quality, image, and handling.

The Renault Laguna. Well, Renault's Formula One effort

boasted enough technological innovation to win an F1 season.

So it's a shame they didn't, really.

Just like in F1, the Renault is left

lagging behind the rest of the pack a bit on power.

And then, there's the handling.

All Lagunas, the model before this and this one,

have always felt as though they're aimed much more towards comfort

than out and out speed.

But actually, it can always surprise a bit.

They roll and lean a lot.

But they grip, and they can get a move-on.

So it'll be interesting to see what The Stig does with the Laguna.

Crucially, the Laguna was the first car ever

to win a maximum five stars

in the respected EuroNCAP crash test.

It uses clever technological gizmos, too,

like key-card entry and onboard tyre pressure monitors.

All right, so the build quality is, uh...

Well, it's French, which isn't a good thing.

But you got to set against that.

The fact that it's loaded with technology,

and it looks pretty good, it's distinctive.

And a chance to drive something a little bit different,

in an otherwise boring type of car.

So all in all, the Laguna makes a pretty good case for itself.

Ford, of course, have and have had links with several teams,

not all of them with big budgets.

Their latest Mondeo, though, has a distinctive feeling of quality to it,

inside and out.

It is still an excellent drive,

and as a true all-rounder, it has a lot to offer.

But it is still a Mondeo.

Toyota might be the newest team on the F1 grid with a huge budget,

but their Avensis is the oldest car here.

It's also ugly.

And worst of all, it's endlessly reliable,

so you'll have to suffer millions of boring miles in it

before it'll have the decency to lie down and die.

And those miles will be spent in an interior

that's only going to become even shinier and nastier with age.

Got a good engine, though, so maybe the Stig will like it.

But it will be starting from the back of the grid.

Jaguar haven't exactly been shy about spending money on F1.

They've gone through skiploads of it,

and it's only just showing signs of starting to pay off.

So how will their cheapest car be?

As in F1, the Jag has one of the most powerful engines,

so we've got a 2-litre V6 with 157 brake horsepower,

0-60 in 8.9 seconds.

And like F1 though,

the Jag isn't blighted by any particular handling problems,

and that's despite this being the cheapy

with just two-wheel drive in the front,

rather than four-wheel drive in the rest of the X-Type range.

This 20-grand X-Type is Jaguar's attempt

to get an affordable prestige car onto the sales-rep's shopping list.

Where it all gets a bit miserable and miserly is kit.

This sat-nav with its touchscreen operation is gorgeous.

You don't get that,

and you don't get the 32 other optional extras fitted to this car.

In fact, when you strip it back to basics,

you don't get much Jag for 20 grand.

It's a very good car, the entry-level X-Type, and I like it.

And it might be small, but it's enough Jag for anyone.

And there's the problem, it's enough Jag.

You don't want "enough Jag",

you want much, much more than enough Jag.

There's something for me of the rather annoying social climate

about a small, cheap Jaguar.

Mercedes, really, haven't enjoyed the best of years in F1.

Usually renowned for their engines,

it never quite measured up to the car's handling.

So it's interesting that they've put new motors in the C-Class.

From now on, all 2-litre C-Classes will come with a supercharger,

which they kind of need. It's a heavy car.

But will that be enough to help it take on its archrival,

the BMW 3 Series?

If you took Ferrari out of the equation,

and plenty of teams would like you to,

BMW would've been left as the best in the season.

They've got the most powerful engine,

they just need a bit of extra research in development.

Or rather, their F1 partners Williams do,

'cause this season, the best engine on the grid

has been let down by the car's handling.

In fact, it's the complete opposite of the F1 car.

The handling is great, it's a BMW, they're good,

but power, well, it's well behind the rest of the pack

with just 143 brake horsepower.

It's heavy, too, so 60 miles an hour takes 9.3 seconds.

I'm being left behind.

As the third of our affordable prestige cars,

again, they're stingy with kit,

and it's the only one with something of an image problem.

When did you last smile at a BMW driver?

It does start to catch up a bit with handling.

I mean, it's rear-wheel drive, so obviously that's good fun.

And it grips, and the suspension setup is fantastic.

So it should do pretty well on the track.

Just one more car before we're ready to rearrange the grid.

Honda have had a disappointingly mediocre sort of a season, really.

Certainly a long way from their glory days in F1.

Meanwhile, back in the real world,

they've launched the new Accord.

It's never enjoyed the most glamorous profiles, the Honda Accord.

The words "fuddy" and "duddy" regularly attached to it.

They're not as posh as a Beemer or a Jag,

but they're not as everyday as a Renault Laguna or a Ford Mondeo.

They're certainty well enough put together in the interior, the new one reflects that.

It's still not exactly exciting.

It's certainly not down on power with a 2L VTEC engine and 155 brake horsepower,

which places it pretty near the front of the field.

So it's got plenty of kit, it's got prestige,

in fact, unlike F1, the Accord is a world of compromise.

So here it is, our starting grid,

rating according to real life.

And at the very back, the Toyota.

It's old, it's ugly, and it's boring.

Surprised that the Mercedes C-Class

doesn't make it any further forward.

It's a handsome car, but you get nothing for your money,

and it's not the best drive.

The Laguna's 5-star crash test rating

and good look bring it up to here,

but the interior build quality and drive are a bit ugh.

The Jag... well it's nice to get a Jag for not much money,

but you don't get any kit on it.

And then, here, the benchmark.

It may be the Milton Keynes Special,

but the Mondeo is still one of the best in the class,

well-built, and a good drive.

Also with an image problem, the BMW 3 Series,

but it is rear wheel drive, and very well built.

And then at the very front of the pack,

if only to give it a sporting chance, the new Honda Accord.

That's how we rate them. But will that have any bearing

on what the Stig reckons when he gets to grips with them.

It's gonna be a different kind of F1,

there's seven cars, and only one Stig.

- So it's the Honda then, is it? - Yeah, it's got to be.

In the real world, it's all about compromise, isn't it?

And it's just right between the BMW and the Ford.

You've got a bit of prestige, enough kit, and a good engine, that VTEC.

It is brilliant. And, of course, reliable.

- Yeah. Yeah. - They are very well made.

But, of course, if you want to specialise, let's be honest,

if you want a safe car,

- you're gonna buy the Renault Laguna. - Yeah, you would.

If you want to show off to the neighbours,

you're gonna buy a Mercedes C-Class.

Yeah, if you want to take a minicab,

- you're gonna buy the Toyota, aren't you? - Exactly.

Of course, most important thing we're gonna do now,

sensible stuff out of the way,

which is the fastest?

Yeah, time to see what The Stig did.

The Jaguar has a good engine and a good chassis.

But it turned out to be the slowest,

probably not helped by a rather silky Traction Control System.

The hateful Toyota Avensis and the handsome Renault Laguna were about the same.

And both were narrowly beaten

by our favourite in the real world, the Honda Accord.

The next car The Stig tried was the Ford Mondeo.

We all knew it had a wonderful chassis,

but everyone was surprised

when it turned out to be a full thre seconds faster than the Honda.

That leaves us with the two Germans.

The C-Class Mercedes, supercharged with 20 more brake horsepower than the Ford,

but amazingly, it was nearly two seconds slower.

So, can German pride be restored

by the Ultimate Driving Machine, the BMW 318i?

Rear wheel drive,

perfect weight distribution, and an astonishing result.

It was, right, a full two seconds slower than the Ford.

Slower. So that's it, the Mondeo is the quick one to have.

I don't know, maybe they've got all their race car engineers at Ford

working on the road car and the teaboys making the race car.

It is. That is amazing.

And I'll tell you something else that's amazing.

Most weeks, the guests come on, and then as soon as their chat's over,

they're in their limos and back up to London.

But I have just noticed over your shoulder,

Steve Coogan...

...is still here hanging on to the bitter end.

And I'm afraid, it is the bitter end now.

Next week, we've got Jonathan Ross coming on,

he'll be our star in a reasonably-priced car,

though Heavens knows, how he'll be able to see where he's going

with that hair things that he has.

We'll be looking at the ultimate cars that money can buy.

And I'll be doing this in a Bentley.

See you then. Good night.

Subtitles modified from MTOD transcript Ripped by GLUE of QxR Edited/corrected for TGCC v2 by AlexGRFan97.

- Can I go now? - What?

- Can I go? - No. Three day rally. Stay there.