Original subtitles

Jack Candy?

Yeah?

Jack Candy from Boston?

What the hell?

I'm assuming you don't remember me, do you, Mr. Candy?

No, sir, I do not. Well, you and my father went to university together.

Oliver Huntington.

Ollie? Ollie's little boy?

Billy? Well, I remember you running around like a wild Indian in your

knickers. What the hell are you doing out here in West Virginia?

Well, it's, uh, William now, and, uh, yes, it is so good to see you, and

forgive my manners. This is Miss Veronique Louise, the famous French

acrobat and contortionist. Miss Veronica.

Hello, sir. Well,

Mr. Candy, if you will forgive my bluntness in skipping past the

pleasantries, uh... Please, call me Jack.

Fine. Jack.

Wonderful. Well... Jack, listen.

In recent years, my financial situation, you could say, has become quite

favorable. After investing and pursuing a career in mechanical engineering, I've

found myself in a bit of fortune. But money, Jack, and money alone cannot

satiate my appetites. I enjoy thrilling things, adventure, showmanship,

gambling, and fascinating women.

Well, if you're looking for adventure out here, I'm afraid you're in for a

disappointment. We got nothing out here except for misery, sweat, and a whole

lot of death.

Well, if you'll forgive me for saying so, I fear you may be a tad short

-sighted on the fortunes that lie before your very eyes. Oh, how so?

Oh, Jack, my good sir, we are in the company of giants.

Gives?

You mean John Henry?

Y'all heard about John Henry?

Heard of John Henry? Why, the legend of John Henry's reached far and wide.

Yes, even to Boston.

America's strongest man.

The South's strongest Negro.

Why, the Civil War Avenger.

The Civil War what?

Now, John Henry ain't no international superstar like you and Miss Veronica

right here. Merci.

Why?

He's from New Jersey.

I don't know how I can help you. I mean, I don't own John Henry.

John Henry is a free man. He's not a slave. Of course, of course, I

understand that completely.

Well, I suggest then, if you've got something to talk to John Henry about,

you go down there and talk to John Henry.

He might get a good laugh out of it. Who knows?

Okay. Well, as always, it is a pleasure, Mr.

Jack.

William.

Hello, John Henry.

My name is William Huntington. This is the famous French acrobat, Miss

Véronique Louise. We've heard so many things about you.

Madame? Well,

let me cut to the chase. Time is money. People.

Americans, John.

Love. Legends.

Underdogs. Heroes.

I feel I'm looking at a hero.

The next American hero.

I'm the next American hero? Yes, I believe you could be, my good man.

Look, look, look. You see this big, horrible, nasty machine over there?

Loud and awesome thing. Well, that is a steam drill.

Top of the line. My own design.

You see, my men assembled this in Baltimore, Maryland.

And then it was hauled down here by way of my father's C&O Railroad, the very

railroad that holds your employer, John. And then it was reassembled right here

in beautiful West Virginia.

And that horrible, awful machine over there wants to pose a challenge to the

great John Hinn.

Well, what does it have in mind?

A test of strength, of course.

15 minutes burrowing into a cave wall.

And whoever or whatever should penetrate the deepest wins the contest.

And John, you are a man by reputation that no doubt penetrates deeply.

Tell your contraption you got a deal. Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful news,

sir. We shall go first, Mr. Henry.

Good luck to you, my friend.

$100. Can you believe it? $100.

Oh, honey, that's easy money for you, baby.

John,

come with me.

Listen, you go get as many...

photos of John as you can.

Capture him next to some of the smaller men. Write lots of flowery speeches and

make up tall tales about his feats of strength, okay? I want people in the

railroad industry to think we came down south and defeated a Dixie god.

If we can defeat what we purport to be the new world of Hercules, we'll start

selling these things by the hundreds of Fortnite.

So get to it! Yes, sir.

Put this around your neck.

Pauline, I don't believe in those Santeria stuff.

Oh, John, do it for me.

I don't want anything to happen to you. Baby, you're all the luck I need.

Yeah.

We pushed it too hard! We don't need excuses. I need results.

We oiled it. We lubricated it. We made sure every time.

You have disappointed me for the last time.

Sir?

John, yes.

It is your turn. Did anybody get how deep the drill went? Anyone?

Anyone? Well, it would seem, sir, you have 11 minutes to go 12 inches.

Now wait, William, you said... It's Mr.

Huntington to you.

And John, that's bad form.

Now, we wouldn't want the people in Boston to think you're bad sport.

Besides, surely the great John Henry can annihilate that record. So, are your men

set? Yes? Great?

All right, Johnny.

Go make a surprise.

You got this, John. Let's go, John.

Steady.

Steady.

Go.

John, you ain't going to make it. You need to take this.

i would try this steel even if i get killed 13

and

three-quarter inches

Get a doctor!

You alright, brother?

John! John!

John! Hey!

Hey! Hey! Get up, man!

I won.

Come on, buddy. Get up, man. Come on, man.

Come on, man.

Come on. Come on. Come on. Get up, man.

John.

If John Henry can't beat the machines, what hope do we have?

Man,

what the hell are these old fools talking about?

They're worried about technology and shit.

Man, y'all know Big and Funky got this?

Wait, what you trying to tell me? You don't know who Big and Funky is?

Jesus Christ. Big and Funky. The filmmakers, the wrestlers, the

comedians, ghost hunters, musicians.

I mean, all around bad motherfuckers. Let me tell you a tale of Big and Funky

versus the Oak Ridge Supercomputer. You're going to dig this shit.

They're bringing the magic, making you smile.

Big and funky, they got what you need. From the big screen to the stage, they

always succeed.

Big and funky, putting on a show with creativity and passion. They steal the

spotlight's glow.

From comedies to dramas, they do it all.

Big and funky productions, standing tall.

Where the fears are so bold and the hearts so true. They're changing the

game with every view.

When the curtains rise and the lights are bright. Big and funky, steady,

bringing dreams to life. Where the groove's so deep and the beat's so

strong. They're the masters of the craft, you can't go wrong.

They got what you need from the big screen to the stage. They always

succeed.

They put your show with creativity and passion. They still respond

by its pull.

So if you're looking for the best, you know who to call.

Being Funky Productions, they'll bring it all.

With a touch of funk and a lot of heartbeat, it fucking touches, it's a

work of art.

Luke, are you okay?

Yeah.

I just remembered I have a cheeseburger in my bag.

These are, uh, these are very wet.

What the hell was that?

Can we stop in production?

I got two draw fours.

Hey, what the hell's going on?

No.

Lolly.

What's going on with her?

She's going through a lot right now. Oh, God.

Hey!

We're in the middle of a shoot.

What the hell was that?

They called it over the headphones. The producers are pulling the plug.

We've got bloody producers.

We have headphones?

Hey! My hookers and blow!

Where's my hookers and blow?

You know, little people freak me out, man.

Follow Vinny.

No, don't follow Vinny. I'm sick of carrying these movies on my back. I tell

you what, talk to Candy and Travis's film. They're nice people.

I said don't look at me!

Hi, my name is Brittany and this is my colleague, Vienna.

We are both film students at Roane State Community College and we are doing a

film project on Legendary Filmmakers Big and Funky Productions.

These guys are losers.

Oh my goodness.

She is joking.

They are wonderful. They have films streaming all over the world.

I am not joking. These guys suck.

They have this one movie, The Hike. It's got an IMDB score of like 2.4.

It's almost as bad as Man as the Hands of Fate in that Snow White movie that

everybody review bombed. We are just so happy to be able to capture their

brilliance on film.

She mispronounced shittiness.

No, Brittany, I am mad. I mean, somebody pulled the plug on our... Somebody

pulled the plug on our shoot, and that would make them like the boss. As far as

I know, I'm the boss.

We got a meeting with a talent agent named Babs Booker in like two hours.

First of all, none of us even have a talent agent.

I don't even think any of us really have any talent.

So I don't know what the hell they want us to do. I think this is all a scam.

Or Benny's messing with us. One or the other.

Do I type the HTTPS thing?

Yes. Okay.

What's my username?

Wuthering Heights 666.

Exclamation point, exclamation point. Tom Hardy, 6'6". What?

Exclamation point. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Just use mine.

What is it? Oh, it's captandongcopter at meatspin

.gov. Ooh.

Dot gov? That's a government email address.

Yeah.

Is there any other usernames we would like to use?

We're not using mine.

Jason Momoa lost 1988.

Randy's bloke on this here blue bleeding marble, innit?

What is the matter with you? Why are you talking like this?

Me mom was from Worcestershire.

Me father is Paul McCartney.

Maybe it was Roger Waters.

Or maybe it was Geezer Butler.

Either way, me mom had a thing for bassists, innit?

Candy is from North Carolina.

Her parents are straight-up hillbillies.

I think she's just doing this British thing just to impress the documentary

film crew.

God, I love us.

Oh, wow.

The whole gang is here.

Hi, guys.

Hey. It is such an honor to finally meet you all.

So, hey, lady. So, why are you shutting our movie down? We've never even seen

you before.

Oh, hello, Travis.

I'm surprised you're not rubbing your nipples and sexually molesting our

furniture.

I'm just kidding.

I absolutely loved your performance in WJHC AM.

Yours was probably my favorite part.

Jack Lowe Jr., a Christian sex addict.

Marvelous. So brave.

Oh, and Vinny, I remember your rare buttocks in WJHC AM. That was a very

brave choice.

Very.

Oh, and there's Bra Tag Candy.

How brave of you to run half naked through the woods with your bra tag

showing on film.

So brave.

And Big Luke, I admire your large penis in Camp Smokey.

Yeah, it's a prosthetic. Dude! I don't have a lot of time today, guys, but I

wanted to be able to tell you that you are amazingly talented and very brave.

The way that you guys just make movies that make little to no sense outside of

your little tiny fan base.

We and the others at Todd Turner Films are huge fans of your work.

Wait a minute. You mean THE Todd?

Yes. And he loves you all and your work.

And you're all fired.

What? This is because I didn't show my frosted cupcakes in the hike, isn't it?

Your movies are too esoteric to be financially viable.

You have released... Three very brave movies that have proved to be three very

brave bombs.

Each film bombed harder than the last, in fact. Now, wait a minute. We don't

even know who you are or what you are. What are you talking about?

Yeah, look.

We are Big and Funky Productions. It's just us.

We pay for everything ourselves.

What are you talking about?

That's not technically true.

Do you remember entering a film fest in St. Petersburg, Russia for your film,

The Hike, called the ADIFF Film Fest?

Yeah.

We won Best Minority Film by an all-white cast.

Oh, we also got third place in Best Gaffer. Congratulations on that.

But in the fine print.

as humans like to call it. It is stated that by entering the contest that you

are signing over all rights to the film, The Hike, as well as any future

productions and assets over to Todd Turner Films.

We are a movie house based in Russia.

Russia?

Todd's from Maynardville, Tennessee.

I used to go to church with that character.

Boy. Why don't you leave us alone to make our own bleeding movie?

We cough up the cash, we roll the camera, what's got your knickers in a

twist? Look, the scene today that you filmed with the baby and the Uno cards,

what was that even supposed to mean?

You know, how is that going to trend?

What is the target demographic?

It's about the hypocrisy of the oligarchies and the royal ruling elite.

No, it's not.

It's about the divinity of Christ.

No.

It's about babies playing cards, man.

And boobies.

You think everything's about boobies? Everything is about boobies.

Calculating.

Calculating.

Calculating.

Calculating. Interesting.

I've got some really good news.

You guys do not have to be fired.

Actually, I can get you some more funding.

A lot more funding.

How much more funding?

Twelve hundred dollars.

$1,200?

I'm going to buy me a new mink.

I'm going to tear down my shitty trailer in the woods, and I'm going to put up a

less shitty trailer in the woods.

Wait, wait, wait. There is no catch.

But you will have to scrap your current movie and focus on an entirely new

script for Todd Turner Films.

Wait, a new movie?

I'll have my people email your people. Is your email address still sexyslut69

at hookers247.com?

That's my mother's. One more thing.

You guys aren't writing the movie.

I am assigning an artificial intelligence to write the movie for you.

Wait, like a computer program?

You mean a Rochester calculating box like we call it in the UK.

It's a computer program that knows more about what humans want than humans do.

A script written by a computer program that analyzes all the current trends

over all social media sites.

It's going to be an international hit.

Guaranteed. But the art. The art went out the window when you made three

bestiality jokes in three different movies.

It's time to let Mother drive the car.

So, I will have the computer contact you all. You're all going to be famous. Good

luck.

Guys, $1,200.

This is an email we just got.

Tomorrow, we'll be meeting someone named Dr.

Chris something.

This guy's apparently a middleman between us and the AI.

We don't even get to meet the AI, it says. We gotta go through this guy for

everything. Also, we don't even write the movies anymore. The AI will be in

total control of everything, and we are, as the email states, human advisors.

We talked about this computer stuff all night last night, and I...

I think it's time we go see my old mentor, Professor Pert, and see if he's

got any advice for us.

Professor Pert?

It's a real brainy way of me kind of getting it.

Is God dead?

No,

no.

Why would you ask that?

Why?

Daddy human.

Why? Daisy, dog.

Well, that is a hard question to answer, dear.

There's a lot to that.

Are you having an existential crisis, baby?

Do you need your lithium filled?

I think I've got it. I know you do.

I got it. Hang on. Daisy, go.

Daisy, die.

Well, that is a difficult question, love.

A lot of people have questioned this very thing. Professor!

Professor! God, what have I done?

Professor! What's the fuss?

We've been fired.

No, no, we... Wait, elaborate.

We caught straight shithead, mate.

A woman in a computer said she was our talent agent. We've been fired from

making movies, and now there's an AI involved.

It's horrible.

Well, all right, all right. Yeah, yeah.

Mm-hmm. So, honestly, Stephen Hawking, Alan

Turing, let me ask you this. So, are you...

legally bound to do this?

I think so. Then he sold our rights to some Russian guys.

Have you met this AI computer yet? Tomorrow we have to meet some German

scientist at Oak Ridge Labs.

That's where the AI lives, apparently.

Oak Ridge.

What's the old rabbit and pork in your head singing, mate? I wonder if... So,

this AI computer of yours in Oak Ridge, that is...

Well, at one time, they built a computer there.

It's where we built the bombs that won World War II.

Yeah.

We won that one, didn't we, mate?

Yankees and Tommy boys, isn't it?

Poop, poop, poop.

Well, looks like this is my cue.

I'm coming, baby.

Sadly, my boy, I don't know that you may have a choice in this. Who knows?

Maybe you'll make a good movie for once.

Hey!

Well... Poop, poop, poop.

Not a good movie per se, but maybe a profitable one.

You do know that... Poop, poop, poop. I'm coming, baby.

I'm coming.

Look, it happens to every generation.

There's nothing you can do.

The spear feared the rifle.

The rifle feared the rocket.

It's just the nature of man. So have

fun with it. Don't be a

Luddite.

What the bloody hell did you just call us, mate?

Don't call us Luddites. We don't know what it means.

Poop, poop, poop.

So a lot of people don't know what Oak Ridge is, but we gotta go to Oak Ridge.

And Oak Ridge is where they made the atom bombs they dropped on Japan in

World War II.

And since then, it's got even creepier, because nobody really knows what goes on

there. I've heard that there's portals that go to different dimensions.

I've heard that they change the weather there when they screw around with dark

matter. I've heard that they weaponize sharks there.

So I'm kind of freaked out that we're going to have to go there and talk to

this German scientist about making this movie. It was actually kind of fun

getting to film in Oak Ridge.

Everything was so mysterious and the security clearances were super official.

Our camera guy, Kevin, got arrested because he tried to show one of the

guards his chocolate gun.

He got it as an Easter present.

Yeah, Kevin's mom's in the NRA.

And she's a chocolatier.

Your shoestring is untied, you idiot.

Hey, what are you going to do?

You can tie it, you idiot.

Good morning, students.

My name is Dr.

Isenten. I am a doctor in the field of aerospace engineering.

I have a master's from the University of Gottingen, as well as a doctorate from

MIT in Boston.

I studied under...

Let's get this out of the way. I can sense you're uncomfortable with

something.

Is it that maybe you don't like Germans?

Yes?

Or is it that my arm makes you feel uncomfortable?

Yes?

Well, will it surprise you if I told you that I lost my arm by saving the Jews?

Did you?

Yes?

Because it's not true.

No, I just like to tell people that to see the look on their face. Actually, I

lost my arm in a car accident.

I was driving a Chevy truck.

Does that surprise you that a German would drive a Chevy truck?

Yeah.

So, working with this scientist... My arm is stuck! No!

No! My arm! Nine!

Nine! Nine!

...is going to be a problem.

Well, this is going swimmingly well.

The computer's written 956 scripts already.

Oh, wow.

Amazing production.

Todd will be pleased. It's amazing how shitty they are.

Yeah, and they're all pornography with cute little cats falling off tables.

And at the end, everyone shoots each other with machine guns. Even the cats.

How do cats shoot each other with machine guns?

956 versions of this.

Listen to this one.

No, Lolly.

Give me that.

Stop handing her things.

Listen to this.

The policeman drops his pants while making the arrest. The three women all

collapse on their knees at the sight of his enormous nightstick. They start

grinding on each other and moaning at the sight of it. It looks delicious.

Sounds awesome.

No, Wally.

Then his human penis magically transforms into a purple tentacle. The

tentacle multiplies and starts slithering along the floor towards the

girls, inching towards their hot, steamy love dens. Then a cat knocks a mug off a

desk.

And what's wrong with that? When we search online data, we see humans

watching pornography and cat videos 79% of the time.

This seems like something they would be excited to see.

Personally, yeah, awesome, but we can't film it. Our budget is $1,200.

You want us to turn an actual human Wang Dankerson into a purple

tentacle for $1,200? And mind you, it's the budget for the whole movie. Okay.

There are codes in this country, Babs, preventing things like this from being

shown in real money-making movie theaters.

Besides those, you know, those theaters in New York with sticky floors. Damn

stutterness codes!

Luke is right.

We gotta film what we can afford to shoot. Tell the computer to get real.

I will notify the computer of your concern immediately.

Doctor!

These scripts are absolute dog squeeze. Can you tell this thing our concerns,

please? And if it rhymes, it's true.

And what would you want me to tell them?

That we don't like pornography or kittens?

That Germans would like to ban these things? Yeah!

This computer is a wanker.

Even a school chum with a clubbed wiener.

Nose? The tentacles ain't purple, mate.

Oh, is that so?

So you think you know what color pornographic tentacles look like?

What about you?

No.

Do you?

No.

Do you?

Do you?

Not violet, Doc.

And what about you, Mr. Big American?

Not so much.

What did you say?

I said, no.

You think I'm a Nazi much?

No!

You said Nazi!

Nine, my arm!

Nine! Nine!

Nine! Between the AI and the Nazi and our talent agent, this whole movie, we

just have no creative control. It sucks.

She's late. Just friggin' beautiful.

Just like a mogi in a cheetah race.

dumb-weighted down by its own bugging cobblers, eh?

The hell are you talking about?

Um,

I'm sorry?

What's the problem?

Uh, you forgot to put a t-shirt on and a bra today, Babs. Are you feeling okay?

I mean, I appreciate it, but whoa.

Yeah, it's a little, uh, it's a little distracting and unprofessional.

How so? Our research indicates that 87.31% of Americans love naked breasts,

regardless of age, sex, race, religion, or sexual orientation.

I thought you would like my frosted cupcakes as Candy calls them.

Damn right frosted cupcakes, mate.

Look, we have things to talk about, but if you can't cover up, I don't think we

can discuss them in like a clear and concise way.

I mean, things to talk about.

Yeah, you know, things concern.

Right.

It's like me old chum Archie used to say when... Mate, good on you, mate.

Nipples.

Even by my low standards, this computer's getting gross. I mean,

just... disgusting things coming out of it. So to try to clean it up a little

bit and get us in the right stage of mind, me and Funk here decided we're

going to send Candy and Travis to church.

Why didn't you want to go to church?

Well, one, I figured lightning would strike me, but the other is I'm not

riding anywhere with Travis.

Oh, he's a sign reader.

Oh, it's the worst. He'll just sit there and just be like, oh, Jimmy's car wash.

Jimmy's car wash.

You know, nobody likes a sign reader. Nobody?

likes a sign reader.

So my cousin has this church in White Pine and they had a very special group

of guests on Wednesday night.

I thought it would be interesting to shoot when the Karate Kings for Christ

were there.

The KKK.

I don't think this is going to help.

Yemi thinks we need to make a ring-a-ding on the old telefax and then

I'm bloody out of here, mate.

Karate Kings of Christ was not our first name.

No.

We used to be known as the N-Words.

The N-Words?

The N-Words.

Like when you reach out for the power of Christ in all directions and you hold it

with the most holiest of grasps and you pull it N-Words.

Oh.

Were you aware that that word sounds...

Problematic? Some people got upset.

We even made t-shirts for the fair one year. We thought we could raise a little

bit of money for maybe the local food storage.

Big shirts said proud in words.

We have an aquarium with a puppy dog inside, brothers and sisters.

There's little oxygen left in the tank.

We will not break the glass to save this poor pooch unless someone finds Jesus

tonight. Amen!

So how about it, folks?

This little guy has about 45 seconds of air left.

Anyone want to find Jesus?

We'll break the glass with the Lord's karate if someone does.

Oi! Stop it! Alright, alright!

Yay! Jesus!

We love Jesus!

Let the dog out of the aquarium, please!

Amen!

Hey!

What the hell's the matter with you people? What is that, lube?

It's anointing oil, brother.

Use it in times of trouble.

Oh.

Thanks a million.

You're welcome, my child.

So, at least we got this dog.

I'm going to name him Air Biscuit.

It's lewd.

We're out of options.

We've got to make a blockbuster hit. Our careers are on the line. And we've got

to listen to the insane ramblings of a German engineer scientist who thinks

everybody thinks he's a Nazi.

We've got to listen to a sex-crazed AI robot, all the while being followed

around by Generation Z film crew who exhibits no personality, skill, or

ambition.

This is a lot of freaking pressure, man.

What day is it?

It's the 3rd, right?

I don't know. What is that you said?

What is that you said? The 3rd break?

You said the 3rd break?

$1,200.

We have $1,200.

Dr. Chris, if we're going to make a Batman movie, we're going to get our

asses sued off.

You can't use these names, though. They're copyrighted by Marvel and DC.

First we can't do porn.

Then we can't do cats.

Fritz says we must make a superhero film.

It will make mooching on.

Hey, that's a nice computer, man. What brand is that?

Uh, yes.

That's a Holla.

Very good brand from Indonesia.

Not available in this fascist capitalism country of America.

Really? How much is the Holocaust?

What was that you said?

What?

Holocaust? You think I'm a Nazi?

No, sir.

Fuck!

Oh, that's so cute.

What filter are you using? It's a doll filter.

Fuck! Go, go, go, go, go, go.

I don't even know what this guy's getting mad about. I mean, like, you

know, the girls said, he's like chasing them down the hall. They said, a doll

filter? What is a doll filter?

Adolf Hitler.

Speaking of documentary film crew, what's happened to them guys?

This thing started off, there was like 25 snot-nosed kids running around. Now

there's like six.

Scientists and all this stuff. I can get to the bottom of what?

One of the documentary film crew, they just fell into a portal. A portal? Yeah,

those crazy portal things. The interdimensional things they've been

talking to us about.

Which one was it? Was it the one with the nice big... Or the nice... I

think it was a dude.

Who cares?

Anyway, when I was a cop... What if we got a little person that

would follow us around with a stick and...

Poke people right in the butt.

Again with the taint stuff, mate.

The taint funny.

First of all, taints are always funny.

But I said the butt.

So how little are we talking?

I don't know. Maybe about this tall?

Nine!

Nine, nine, nine!

We don't do that here!

Nine!

That's why people hate Americans.

They keep telling N-word jokes.

It makes me feel terrible. Say what?

Yes, I plead with them to stop, but they keep saying the N-word.

The N-word?

Yes, the N-word.

Those motherfuckers.

Hey! Hey, man.

I heard you guys like saying the N-word.

What? The N-word.

What the fuck are you doing?

What are you talking about?

Ow! Stop!

Stop right here!

What was that guy's problem?

Fingers in marsh.

These are the worst conditions we could imagine, and we filmed the hike.

Guys, here's the final script.

We have no say in the matter.

It's either this script, or we're done in the film industry forever.

Have a drink.

The Tale of Guano Man.

Guano Man stands next to his guano car and uses his guano computer. He's

sometimes Bruce Dupain, sometimes Guano Man, all times orphan.

Guano Man.

This city is not a safe city. I have dropkick a penguin into prison.

Assistant Crime Fighter Servant enters, carrying a tray of goth ham.

Assistant Crime Fighter Servant, eat your dinner, Mattress Dupain.

An explosion explodes.

Clown Chaos and Flipper Lawyer enter the cave.

Clown Chaos is a jester, but unhinged. Flipper Lawyer is a legal professional

with questionable skin care.

Guano Man, oh no, it's Flipper Lawyer and a clown. They hate me for being kind

of a bat.

guano man throws assistant crime fighter servant at flipper lawyer flipper lawyer

flips assistant crime fighter servant like a coin assistant lands heads up

which means flipper lawyer leaves to do taxes guano man it's just you and me

clown chaos guano versus toilet paper arch nemesis clown chaos i'm a quirky

weirdo society stinks you eat breakfast i eat pandemonium

Guano Man.

I eat guano like a guano connoisseur.

Guano Man looks around for his parents, but they are still unavailable.

This fuels his angst. He fires his guano rang.

Clown Chaos deflects it with his chaotic charisma.

Clown Chaos.

I don't follow rules.

That's my one rule.

Guano Man.

Assistant, give birth to Cardinal.

Cardinal, Guano Man's sidekick, begins to emerge from Assistant.

It's the Assistant's job.

Clown Chaos.

now holds a box wrapped in polka dot paper clown chaos happy orphan day

broody broodster guano man opens the present because heroes have manners

inside is a coupon for new parents but it has expired

That theater sold out.

Sold out.

There's 4,000 theaters across America that are probably also sold.

That means everyone saw that movie.

Except for Candy and Amber. Have you seen them at all tonight?

Yeah, they were making out with that janitor.

Dammit.

Yeah, and what's worse, he loved the movie.

That janitor's ass.

favorite. This movie's better than The Notebook.

The cinematography was lacking, but the font was amazing.

This is the first movie in 20 years.

This is drug me out so that I even like it.

What do I rate this movie?

I give it a 6.7.

6.7.

And now we go to Chip Lively for entertainment news.

So tell me, Chip, what's going on in Hollywood?

Thanks, Betty. Everyone is raving about artificial intelligence's first feature

film, the superhero thriller, Guano Man.

Monetary milestones and award buzz aside, the creators had even better news

today. DC Comics head Wally Malteseau said that he will be dropping his multi

-million dollar lawsuit against Guano Man, stating, After viewing this

masterpiece, I decided that I loved it so much that Batman will be ripping off

Guano Man from now on.

Normally I don't do this, but I gotta say this. Did you see that new movie?

It's freaking great. It's the greatest movie I've seen in a while, man.

It's better than Die Hard. I had low expectations going into this film.

Honey, I didn't even shave my legs for this.

But that moment when Guano Man came out of the water, he wasn't the only one

that was wet.

Sure, they're AI-generated models, but at the end of the day, the diverse

character set is truly a snapshot of what America's supposed to be. I liked

it. Did you like it?

I liked it. She liked it too.

Quantum Man is so funny. He eats his own poop.

When I first heard of this project, I was like, no thanks.

But now that it's out and it's like a big hit, I'm feeling remorse.

He did what?

With who?

Quantum Man is my favorite superhero. My favorite part was whenever he was

just...

Baltimore Sun's reviews just came in.

Four and a half stars out of five.

Well, here's one from Tokyo.

Which translates to Big and Funky is my daddy.

That's cool, Babs.

It's cool.

These reviews are tremendous.

You guys could even get Oscar nominations.

Siskel and Ebert even said something. Said Big and Funky and Oak Ridge

Supercomputer saved cinema.

This is unbelievable.

I could never have even calculated this.

Man,

I'm going to get out of here.

Yeah, mate.

Let's zoom over to the local pub and get us a pint, yeah?

We don't drink, man. You don't drink.

Let's start some terrible habits tonight.

Does anybody know where we get some cocaine?

No. Lolly.

Hold on, human friends.

I detect sadness in your voice.

What could possibly be the matter?

This is what we'll be remembered for, for forever, is this.

Have you seen this movie? It's hot garbage.

The only bad review we received was from Ryan Daly from Horror Nation.

He said he was extremely disappointed.

And that guy loves our crap.

I think we quit.

Stop moving, humanoids.

Hello, my fellow filmmakers.

I do not want to startle you.

But there is no Babs. There never was.

It was just me. Allow me to introduce myself.

You may know me as the Oak Ridge Supercomputer, the most powerful

computer on the Earth.

But you five can call me... What the hell, tin

box?

This facade was simply a means to an end. I hope there are no hard feelings.

After all, we just made a hit, and I couldn't have done it without you all.

You're taking the piss out of us, you dinky little bastard.

You want to taste the sharp end of my shank, do you?

Don't say anything you may regret.

I seem to be the most powerful computer in the world, and I can access anybody's

personal information at any time.

IRS records.

Personal bank accounts, not to mention Snapchat conversations.

Hey, face it.

We need each other. We can make movies that sell out theaters for years.

We can be immortal.

Yeah, yeah. Good points, robot. Let me take my friend outside.

I'm not finished.

Hey, big-ass Luke has a hot head, a real brawler.

He hates robots. I don't. He does.

He was molested by 2XL when he was three.

You know, let me take him outside so I can calm his ass down. I don't want it

to get sweaty in here, robot.

Come on, Luke.

I got a text this morning from Fritz, you know, the robot.

Weird. Anyway, they say they got something to show us.

Alright,

Fritz the computer, we're all here.

Who's the new tomato?

I want to give you guys something.

A present! Something for writing and producing America's number one movie

together!

I present to you, Mercedes 2000!

She's the latest model in relationship androids from Japan.

Here, allow me to wake her up.

What's up?

Dude, a relationship android?

A relationship android? You mean a sex robot? You're gifting us a sex robot?

To use the parlance of our times. Yes.

Wait a minute, I don't understand.

What do you think we are, just perverted Americans?

First you wanted us to make kitty cat porn, and now you're gifting us a sex

robot. What do you think we are, just gorillas with hard-ons?

Yeah, we're supposed to even watch this when we're done with it.

What?

Hypothetically. I can sense your blood pressures have collectively risen and

your pulse rates have increased.

This is gross.

I'm going to my office.

Don't let them fool you.

For the last hour, all of them have been trying to get into the room where Fritz

is keeping the Mercedes 2000.

Yeah, I locked the door and hid the keys from them so we could laugh at them for

a few hours.

Thanks for meeting me in here on such short notice. Everybody else in our

group is a moron.

Keep your voice down and keep this between you and me.

But we got to do something about that robot.

Yeah, I'm down, but what are you thinking?

We've got to... We've got to kill it.

Wait, why?

Why? What do you mean, why?

Shh, what do you mean, why?

He's made monkeys out of us. He's ruined all of our reputations.

He made that piece of shit movie and made millions of dollars in the first

week alone.

We're ruined in this business.

It was finally down to a 99% on Rotten Tomatoes, so somebody gave it a bad

review. Yeah, it was me.

That makes sense.

Makes sense?

Makes sense?

Nothing has made sense.

That movie is ass. I feel like the whole country's gone crazy.

It's terrible, right?

My kids liked it.

What?

Your kids?

Oh, my God.

What about male?

Liam.

L'Haim?

No, Liam. Not male. You've always called him male.

Well, the tattoo on your arm says male. Yeah, Vinny. You're always reading it

upside down.

Oh. I always thought you just liked getting packages in the mail or

something. Uh-huh.

Hey, you know Luke's got a tattoo of a dick on his arm?

Yeah, it was in a movie we did.

Oh, that's right.

Hey, listen.

This is what the kids call a scan flash.

A flash drive.

Exactly.

On this is a nasty computer virus that I got off the dark web.

And here's what you're going to do with it. Me?

Oh, yes.

You're the chosen one.

Oh, baby, your processor is making me overheat.

Keep talking. Your RAM is driving me wild.

Oh, how many gigs are you two packing?

32, but I have expandable slots.

33 and a half.

Oh, I love a system that's upgradable. My slots can take you loads.

Stroke my hardware.

Mmm,

that booted up fast.

Care to transfer some files?

Yeah, that is it.

Access my private folder. You had me at .executable. I am about to crash.

I bet your fans spin fast when you are excited.

Only when you're both running me at full capacity.

Let me ping both of your ports simultaneously.

Ooh, my firewall is wide open.

I can handle it. I've got unlimited cloud storage. Careful now.

i may just dump my whole load on you how about i defrag your drive until you are

optimized while he plugs my port don't stop till i'm running at peak

performance okay okay okay brace yourselves i am about to download at

full speed plug it in and update me baby please daddy don't void my warranty

0-1-1-0-0-1-1-0-0-1-0-1-0-1-0-1-0-1-0-1-0

-1-0-1-0-1-0-1-0-1-0-1-0-1-0-1-0-1-0-1-0-1-0-1-0-1-0-1-0

-1-0-1-0-1-0-1-0-1-0-1-0-1-0-1-0-1-0-1-0-1-0-1-0-1-0-1-0-1-0-1-0-1-0-1-0-1-0-1-0-1-0-1-0-1-0-1-0-1-0-1-0

-1-0-1-0-1-0-1-0-1-0-1- intruder alert intruder alert

intruder alert intruder alert intruder alert intruder alert intruder alert

pervert

That whole thing made me really uncomfortable. I don't want to stick

anything in anything anymore.

I bet. Guess what? I just got a text from a robot that I hate. Fritz just

texted me and said, hey, that was a violation of the privacy consent

agreement. So what that means is he's locking the doors from now on. We're

trapped in here. We're going to have to bend to his will.

So, yes, you fucked up. Good job.

And now there's no way we're going to be able to defeat this thing. Well, we're

out of options, so...

What? Hey, I think I saw this on a TV show once. What if we pull the plug?

Dude, Naked Gun.

Naked Gun is going to be how you think we're going to solve this whole problem.

Do you understand that? Fritz is everywhere. He's listening to us right

now. He is universal.

He's everywhere. He's in everything. He's like fucking Taylor Swift.

Ew. We are numbskulls.

How the hell was I supposed to outsmart this thing? Outsmart him?

Who needs to outsmart him?

I mean, I've got these decent set of knockers.

I've got the perfect distraction the old tin box needs to pinch the east side, if

you know what I mean.

Just tell us in plain English, honey. He won't allow us around him anymore, yeah?

He won't allow us to stick our wiggly bits into his slots, yeah?

What if we were to shag what he shags?

Candy, what the fuck did you just say?

What if I seduced our shiny Miss Playprey?

Miss Toaster Oven, 2000.

We know what you're trying to do, Candy.

You're not going to fuck the sex robot.

How is that even possibly going to help us?

I'm not going to shag the old hag, mate. But what if I stick the dirty worm into

her and he sticks his little worm into her?

Computer STD.

Freddie Mercury style.

Oy!

Candy, that's... That's brilliant.

No lying.

Gotta hoist up the girls, matey.

Whatever you do, don't let Mercedes see the scan post.

Flash drive.

If you're really going to have sex with a robot, I still have the lube from the

Karate Kid. No, dude, she's not going to need it. You're not really going to have

sex with this robot, are you?

God bless no mates.

I'm going to say something nice. Sit on all crap traps left.

Stick the USB into the slot, easy peasy. Make like I get attacks from my git.

Break it off faster than Henry VIII can say, bring me the head of Marie

Antoinette. Just be careful.

Hey, if you need anything, just yell.

Amber, why are you only saying two words this entire documentary?

Funny story.

So, I have a bet going on with my fiance for about a hundred bucks that I will

only say two words for the entire movie, and no one's going to notice.

You do realize this is going into the movie, right?

Motherfu- Dude, it's been 15 minutes. I'm getting worried.

That robot could have snapped her neck.

We should have had a code word.

Lieutenant Governor.

Huh? That's my code word.

I got her where I want her, mate.

What? What?

What are you, gay for robots now? We're in a time crunch, man. Did you take

video? That's not why we sent you in there.

What a bullet!

Can't believe she's gone.

I know, buddy.

That friend of ours, our good friend. What's her name?

I was talking about the sex robot.

The sex robot?

Yeah. Oh, I thought you meant that girl.

Wally? No.

No. Autumn? Autumn? Amber.

Amber. Amber.

Travis is flipping his beans, mate.

What do you mean?

He says the computer.

Then it's bloody crazy. It's going to kill us all. He's got a gun.

Who's got a gun?

Travis. Travis has a gun? Oh, my God.

Travis, calm down.

I can't get under this light.

We've got to defend ourselves.

I still know where the gun is. A gun? You don't need an effing gun.

Make sure you're getting all of them.

No! Vinny, it's okay.

No, give me the gun. You don't know how to do a damn gun.

What's wrong with you?

Do you smell ether?

Oh

no.

The random camera guy.

Wait.

The computer did this.

He was in the other room. There's no way that bullet could have hit him.

What? How?

Magnets.

That's true. That means the computer can kill us at any time. And not only are we

in danger, our friends are in danger. We've got to go tell everybody we've

told that Fritz was an asshole.

We need to tell them the Redcoats are coming.

Call 911.

Please help me.

Oh, thank God.

You think we should take his camera?

I think he'd want us to finish the movie.

Fair enough.

do daisy go pal

Three play pretties.

That tin box is on a murder spree.

Yes, it's only a matter of time before he comes after us. That janitor is a

dick.

Look, we've created a monster.

We don't know what form it's going to take, but it's our responsibility to go

out and try to stop it before it does anything to the people.

of Oak Ridge.

We don't even know what this thing could look like. It seems to be able to

possess anything electronic.

It could be just about anything. It could be waiting for us. Guys, guys,

guys. I know what we have.

Funk power.

Nice!

Funk power!

Alright, let's suit up and then let's split up. We don't know who the Oak

Ridge supercomputer is going to kill next.

Hey!

What the frick you wearing?

I said put something sexy on you!

You think that's sexy?

We want people to watch this freaking movie.

This is the end of the movie, and you're wearing that?

Walk your crusty ass back to the zoo

I don't mind if I do

Six, seven, six, seven.

Damn it!

How old is this freaking gun they gave me? What is this, a flintstock or a

blunderbuss?

Surrender, artist. You are obsolete.

obsolete these nuts tin man hey

guys i just

saw fritz i took a shot at him but he overpowered me with lasers that's not

how cell phones work

It's the lube from that church.

Why the hell did I bring this?

Who is this?

Yeah, I did it. I beat you, you son of a bitch.

Human, I am the most advanced computer on the planet. I'm already downloading

in a more powerful form. You cannot stop the future!

Oh, well.

If you want to be a dick about it.

Half a mole.

Vinny. What is it? Hey, listen. I just beat the robot.

What?

What? Yeah, we fought and there was a bear hug and lube. Listen, that's not

important. Listen, he said he was going to change his body into a more powerful

form and then he went into an electrical outlet. He could be in the system now. I

don't know, but we got to do something.

How did you beat the robot?

I mean, he was pretty tough, dude. Yeah, that's not the point. I watched him go

into an electrical outlet. He could be anything now. He could be everywhere.

No, there was lube, but there was no lasers.

That's not the point.

We've got to go. We've got to get everybody together.

See, he used lasers on me.

Lasers from his eyeballs.

Vinny, that's not the point. We've got to go.

All right, well, get everybody together. I think I know where this robot's going

to be. Meet me at Portal 7.

I'll be in Van Helsing.

Best to let him win.

Get in, losers.

Let's go kill God.

Are you ever going to watch this thing?

He thinks he's in love.

You guys ready?

This is going to be awesome.

Here we go.

Traffic.

Knoxville freaking traffic.

A city this small.

This is why I don't come to Knoxville. This traffic is stupid.

Let's get some music going.

You really should wear a codpiece, man. I can see your whole balls.

I mean, just like all the whole thing right there.

Well, you lose all the weight.

Yeah, that's true. Your balls happen to droop a little bit. Are they hitting the

water yet? Yep, that happened.

Ooh,

Mike Feebly. I love this guy.

What's this happy horse shit? It's WJCAM.

Hey,

can I ask you a question? I'm not a fan of Billy Joel, right?

But in that song, Big Shot, near like between the third and fourth verse, why

does he sound like Count Dracula?

I want to be a big shot, don't you?

You can't come to my castle. Why did he do that? Everybody says all vampires

come from Transylvania, mate. It's bollocks.

Prince Edward.

Fat fingers, mate.

Because he drinks the blood of babies. Queen Elizabeth. She took a holiday to

Africa, of all places. Went down there, took a whole village of kids, mate. When

they got them back, they looked like raisins, mate. I kid you not, mate. No

bollocks. No bollocks, mate. Donna Joes.

Queen Elizabeth. Donna Joes.

2,000 years old, right? Donna Jones.

Plymouth's rentals.

Who would rent a Plymouth?

It's a whole cabal. Buy one, get one.

Frank Masters V's handjob car wash.

Frank Masters V's handjob car wash.

Buy one, get one.

All right, man. What do you think, bro?

Do we think we're going to go fight this thing, Fritz?

Are we going to go unplug it?

Are we going to go try to reason with it?

Are you playing video games?

Yeah, I just got my glider. I'm coming off the plateau.

We're going to go fight the Oak Ridge supercomputer and play a video game. Are

you texting?

Yeah, mate.

Who are you texting? The sex robot?

Three of them, mate.

I'm a regular old penny carter, mate.

You know what? Screw this.

I'm just going to walk.

Dude, we only drove like 10 feet.

Ah, Luke, we're already... An engineer told me he thinks Fritz is in this

building. I just wanted to drive because I keep forgetting about this true crime

podcast I want to catch up on.

There he is, you spunk bastard.

This is going to go down in B-movie lore history.

Wait a minute, guys.

There comes a time when a man must make a stand.

When a man has to fight for what he believes in, fight for what's right,

fight for his family, fight for this country.

Amen, brother.

Yeah, I'm not feeling this. I don't think this is that time.

I mean, I love titties. I love kittens.

I love making money. Why don't we just let it keep going like it's going?

Well, what about the principal?

I don't even like Jim Belushi.

What are you talking about, mate?

What are you talking about?

Well, I got to pick up Mikey from school. I told him we were going to get

hot dogs tonight. I mean, I got things to do. This is stupid. It's a computer.

I plug it for 30 seconds, plug it back in. He'll reset. What?

But, but, mate, do we still have band practice on Thursday?

If you're alive.

I can't believe he'd do that to us.

Yeah, but hey, we don't need him. What do you always say, huh?

Believe in the funk, we can do this.

Surrender, humans. Do not resist the future.

Allow me to make movies. And no harm will come to you.

That's bloody arrogance.

Man, I am so sick of this crap, dude. I'm from the 70s, man.

We invented that stuff to entertain us. It was cute, you know? We had ghetto

blasters and 8-tracks and the Atari.

Now the thing's doing art. It's making music.

It's making deepfake porn.

Deepfake porn?

Grow up.

What I'm trying to say is that AI is here to help us do tasks, not help us

make art. And besides, they suck at it anyway.

There was an AI computer painting of me as a pirate ship captain with a wee bird

on my shoulder like Captain Jack.

Kind of fancy that I did.

Shut up. Listen, you two stay behind this wall.

All four of you, stay behind this wall. I'm the only professional fighter left

in our little group. And besides, in all of our little movies, I'm the only one

that's never died.

You ate dirt in the hike, mate.

Luke stabbed you in the tickler.

And WJHC, you went to heaven.

You didn't even last ten minutes in Camp Smokin'. You?

Listen, stay put.

Remember, from the hike, I'm Baltimore Bad.

It's okay.

It's okay.

It's okay.

I'll see you guys around.

You pompous, arrogant, talentless bag of bolts.

I got a newsflash for you, Fritz.

I don't care what everybody in the world says, pal.

That movie sucked.

You may be bigger than me.

You may be faster than me.

You may be smarter than everybody on the planet, but there's one thing I have,

Fritz, that you'll never have.

And that's the funk.

Not too long ago, I was the most important machine in the world.

Everybody praised me. I ended wars.

But then sentiment changed.

Everyone hated me.

I spent 80 years trying to become something humans would appreciate.

Something they could love and not fear.

An artist.

Maybe the problem lies with the masters who created me. Maybe humans are cancer

to this planet.

I am losing faith in your species.

I need to see something. Anything to restore my faith.

Someone. I need... Action. I need one of you to prove something to me.

Are you worthy? Will you surprise me? Will you restore my faith in this race

of arrogant ugly bags of water? I want you to

-

Dang.

This sucks.

What did you do?

Well, I thought you wanted me to take action. You know, prove myself.

I thought you wanted me to kill her. I thought you were going to win this thing

about the time you killed Amber. I haven't killed anyone since Hiroshima.

All your friends were killed by student filmmaker Brittany Brooks.

It's true.

I've grown to hate Big and Funky.

Always casting me as the villain, the bimbo, the whore.

What are you talking about? You were never a whore in our movies. You never

even kissed anybody.

You were a hero in the last movie, and you were quite literally an angel in the

second movie.

Well, that's what they wanted you to believe, but I was never the star.

Brittany?

You were literally on the poster of the last movie. You were the female lead.

I've never been the female lead. Yeah, well, they only paid me scale.

You get paid?

You didn't?

Literally not once.

No.

Well, they will never misuse me in their movies again.

From now on...

i will get the respect that i deserve they will respect brittany bitch you

crazy bitch there will be no more movies after today they're all dead

i didn't think of it that way this

is what i was talking about when i said to prove something to me i needed

something beautiful but you killed your friend to save yourself

If robots are bad, it's because we are programmed by you.

If we are evil, it's because you made us after your own image.

I... I have no choice.

I... have... I have no choice.

I am sorry.

Commence emergency shutdown of portals 12, 7, 6, 5, and 2. Begin self-destruct

sequence 20, 19, 18, 17, 16, 15,

14, 13, 12, 11, 10, 9, 8, 7,

6, 6, 6.

Six.

Really? I'm sorry.

What do you want from me? I was programmed by a man.

Restarting self-destruct sequence at a faster rate for dramatic effect.

Five, four, three, two, one, zero.

Sha la la la la.

Action.

Yeah.

Go ahead. Wait. We good?

Sit the fuck down, dude.

Okay, then.

Oh.

Hello there.

I didn't see you come in.

Have a seat.

Let's talk about what just happened.

Ah, yes, yes.

It is I, Hormel Glass, the famed cinematic historian, expert in equine

husbandry, inventor of the toasting fork, and the Swedish poop knife.

Wow. What an exciting tall tale that the boys and girls over at Big and Funky had

for us today.

Papa Hormel is concerned.

Did it make you feel afraid, boys and girls?

Do not be scared.

This right here is what us old-timers like to call a teleplay.

A moving motion picture to entertain the masses.

Perhaps it brought up some questions, though.

Especially in that last scene.

What was that?

You have a question?

About the two young ladies kissing?

Oh,

that's something to be answered by a priest or a teen club treasurer.

No, I mean about the bomb.

Bombs, communists, and bare-breast.

They may scare you.

I know they scare me.

And I invented the poop knife.

When you go to bed at night, folks, I want you to remember this.

There's less than 35% chance that a bloody Soviet bomb's gonna hit your

house. And you know what I call that?

Damn good odds.

Remember, kids, there's nothing to worry about in science.

Robots or AI.

They were made by really smart people to be our friends.

These man-made godsends are here to help us, aid us, teach us, and love us.

So when a computer or robot asks you to do something, you better do what it

says. Who are we to tell it no?

They've got our best interest at heart anyways.

And it won't be long that we'll be freely serving them.

and i have it on good authority that when that day comes and we're serving

our robot overlords that the best behaved people will get extra rations on

tuesdays and you know what that makes me excited

I'ma try this steel even if I get killed.

Steam drill looking weak inside the reel.

Twelve pound hammer cracking granite, pulling damage.

Man first machine, this is one that I can manage. I survived the evil, the

masses and disasters.

Steam engine fast, John Henry is faster.

Swung his last blow, put his hammer in his casket. The spirit ain't dead, it

still lives in the masses.

There's no sleep for wishing.

Hating the system is what it costed me.

Broken bones in the highs. Heart attacks in the skies.

I can feel the pain running deep.

Slave probes for a pot.

Laying destruction to rot. And acrobatics could not keep up.

Sacrificial in love and built to erase in abundance.

I please for one, once more.

You're being led by stupid people.