Original subtitles

We're here on the grandest stage in American sports, Kirk,

a chance for some of that patented Rose Bowl magic.

Tie game, chance for one more play in regulation.

And for Russ Holliday, if you're a quarterback, you dream about this,

a chance to really do something special and erase a lot of painful memories.

Oh, it's been a year he wants to forget. He's lucky to have this opportunity.

You think back at this year, he had a suspension,

he had the tabloid headlines, a bomb threat.

Las Vegas freeway incident.

Now, he's gotta try to make one more magical play

to make this thing happen for the Ducks.

Holliday looking poised here.

Empty backfield. Here we go, last play of regulation.

Alright, set!

Back, 47! Back, 47!

Russ Holliday, you can do it!

Green takes a hit!

They can't get him!

He's in Georgia territory and still going!

Yes!

Inside the 30, this is insane!

Yeah!

The ball! Russ!

Russ! The ball!

Wait a second, Georgia's picked the ball up.

Gates has got it, headed the other way.

He dropped it at the one-yard line.

- That's a live football. - Oh, my goodness!

Georgia is gonna win a championship

in the most outrageous, improbable,

inexplicable, painful way,

for Holliday and the Ducks to lose a championship.

What was Holliday thinking?

Russ! Russ!

You're still my favorite player!

Hey, Russ!

Hey, man!

Hey, Russ, my kid's talking to you.

I don't wanna talk right now.

Hey, here, look, I know, man, but, hey, he's got cancer.

I don't give a shit!

You're an asshole.

...what they've seen, and Holliday,

somebody needs to get him away from this fan...

- What's going on down there? - ...quickly here.

- Oh, my goodness! - Oh my gosh!

Into the wheelchair.

This is-- This is gonna haunt him

- really for the rest of his life. - Fuck!

♪ Fuck am I doing, getting this money ♪

♪ Goddamn, praise the lord, whoa ♪

♪ Bought land, conquistador ♪

That's what I'm talking about. That's what I'm talking about.

This is why the Rose Bowl was the best thing

- that ever happened to me. Best thing. - 100 fucking percent.

I mean, if I hadn't taken a break from football,

- I never would've done The Masked Singer. - No.

Never would've met my buddies

- in crypto and NFT. - No. No. No.

- How could you have? - I mean, that's why I loved,

loved being away from the game.

I got to figure out who I am.

Like, I didn't know who I was.

That's why I didn't go to the NFL.

Right?

Yeah, dude.

I'm a good fucking person.

What the fuck is that?

What the... Why do you have human hair?

My fucking dad. He's making me work for him this week.

- Here. - What does he do? What?

Ah, he's in prosthetics and makeup.

He's doing the new Davy Crockett movie for Michael Bay.

You gotta haul your dad's shit around? That sucks.

Not for long, 'cause I'm fucking back.

Whoo, I'm back, baby!

Oh, shit!

The fucking Hawk Tuah girl is here!

Yeah, but don't fucking call her that.

Hawk-tuah! Spit on that thing!

- My name's Haliey, dickhead! - Sorry about that.

Oh! Yo, yo, we are here

at the dopest place in the universe

with the dopest people.

We got my agent, Tyler.

We've been together for what, like, five months now?

- Love you, dude. Family. - Fucking love you.

We got Haliey Tuah.

Welch. Haliey Welch is my full human name.

Then we got, um...

Who the fuck are these guys?

Oh, it's my coke guy and his girlfriend.

- It's my sister. - It's his sister.

Okay, alright, guys, I gotta make an announcement.

Russ Holliday just officially signed

with the XFL's Vegas Vipers.

XFL, motherfuckers!

Mm! Yeah!

- Whoo! - You know, I was thinking about it,

it's like... like everything that happened to me,

it's like... it's like Chernobyl.

You know, it's like Chernobyl was this big deal at first.

Now, everyone's forgotten about it.

You know, I read it online, it's like, it's pretty much back to normal.

I mean, the deer are returning. Like, the deer are back at Chernobyl.

Russ Holliday is returning to fucking football.

Anything is possible!

Oh!

Goddamn! Everyone's blowing me up.

Oh, no!

Ah, there you are!

Yo! 'Sup?

Have you heard about this kid?

Yeah, yeah. Think he was vaxxed?

Dude.

I'm kidding, I'm...

Super-sad.

The XFL just called me.

Dude, they canceled your contract.

You're just not a dick they're prepared to suck.

Why would you phrase it like that?

"I'm not a dick they're prepared to suck"?

I didn't say that. That's how they talk in the XFL.

Fucking-- That is why I'm perfect for them.

I'm a dick, they should suck me.

Yeah, look, dude, I just can't keep you on as a client.

I am Russ Holliday.

Exactly.

Your face is fucking toxic.

It's not my fault.

It 100% is your fault, actually.

Yo, Tyler!

Yeah. I gotta go.

- Bye. - Hey, hey, hey!

I will play for free.

You were already gonna play for free.

Please don't tell people we met.

Yo, Russ, what's going on, man?

Uh, we wanted you to say "good luck" to our rival quarterback

on this upcoming season.

We feel like hearing from you will really fuck with his head.

Okay, man, thanks!

What's up, motherfuckers?

Russ Holliday here.

So, I guess I'm supposed to wish you a...

good luck on your upcoming game, which...

I don't know, is like...

putting a curse on you, or something.

'Cause I guess I'm cursed.

Fuck. Am I cursed?

I don't know.

All I know is right now, you are QB1.

Fuckin' enjoy it.

It's not gonna last forever.

Fuck!

Hey! It's--

Russ Holliday!

Oh, nice.

I see you heard about the kid.

Did the Xtreme Football League call you?

Yeah, they're renegotiating my deal... temporarily.

Oh.

Okay, uh, I guess it's up to me to say the hard stuff.

- So, here it goes. - Mm.

Russ Holliday's athletic career is over.

Gosh, Dad, I feel so much better now.

Russ-- God, the Rose Bowl was, like, eight years ago.

Come on, you messed up and you blamed everybody but yourself.

The fans were cheering too loud, they made me think

I was over the goal line.

The fans didn't turn you into a tabloid jackass,

and the fans didn't make you tweet that crap about Princess Diana!

- What is that? - I'm just saying,

there's a lot of compelling YouTube videos on the subject.

- What is wrong with you with this shit-- - Watch one video!

It's crazy conspiracy shit that dumbfucks do...

- Bullshit, watch the fucking videos! - ...who live in their parents' basement.

What's wrong with you? Russell!

It's time for you to move on.

You can work for me until you figure things out.

You always loved those masks when you were a kid.

Come on.

And who knows, maybe you will follow in the old man's footsteps.

I'd rather chew shit, but thanks.

That's nice.

Chew shit.

Okay, I need you to drive the Alamo prosthetics

over to the Fox lot today. Can you do that?

Thank you.

- What about my DUI? - Never stopped you before.

♪ Yeah! ♪

♪ What! ♪

♪ What! Check this out, right ♪

♪ When you step up to them... ♪

Goddamn. Okay.

♪ What they gon' do, shit, what they gon' do, shit ♪

♪ ...gon' do, shit ♪

♪ What they gon' do, shit, what they gon' do, shit ♪

Okay.

How crazy is this?

Head coach of the South Georgia Catfish, Jake Hudson,

after losing his top two quarterbacks to the portal,

announced open tryouts for quarterback.

This isn't a movie! This isn't Rudy!

Does Coach Hudson really think

some stud quarterback's just gonna appear out of thin air?

Tryouts are this week in Dawson.

Maybe I should go down there and walk on.

How crazy is this?

Head coach of the South Georgia Catfish, Jake Hudson...

...announced open tryouts for quarterback.

Does Coach Hudson really think...

...some stud quarterback's just gonna

appear out of thin air?

- Hey, Dad. - Russell!

Russell, where the hell are you?

Huh?

I have Michael Bay calling. He never got the masks.

Look, I've...

I had to leave town, I just...

I got something coming up.

Something kinda big.

You just might be proud of me.

Did you just quote Armageddon to me?

I worked on Armageddon, you little shit!

Sorry, Dad, I gotta go, I'm losing service.

You dick.

Excuse me, guys.

Coach Dobbs.

Ricky.

Three weeks till kickoff. You fired up?

I am so fired up.

Anyway, I, uh... I drew up a few plays

to run with the guys, uh, trying out today, so...

Terrific!

Mostly, like, I don't know, 21 personnel against cover 2, but we can...

Ricky, you've been an assistant for all of,

- what, two months, right? - Yeah.

I've been the QB coach for two years, right?

I'm still trying to get my plays in.

Right, well, if we all did what the world tells us we're supposed to do,

then I'd be selling feet content on OnlyFans.

Please don't say shit like that to me. It's completely inappropriate.

And th-- that wasn't inappropriate?

No, that is theatrical flair.

Okay, I just wanna help out, Coach.

Today's your lucky day.

Coach Hudson wants you to run the sign-in sheet for tryouts.

- Why me? - I don't know.

I guess 'cause you're a girl and you got pretty handwriting.

My handwriting sucks.

Might be a little Canes sauce on there.

- Dude. - Sorry about that.

Excuse me.

Godspeed, Ricky.

Hey, Mark. Just catchin' up on some tape.

Well, hey there, Coach!

Oh. Hey, Tricia.

Yeah, Mark and I were just gonna, uh, talk some budget stuff.

Oh, I just caught up with him on the budget first.

He's-- He's no longer part of it.

I'm so-- I'm sorry, what? Mar-- Mark's out?

Yep. Our athletics have disappointed for years,

but thanks to the, uh, NIL, the boosters,

we can finally demand a little accountability around here.

Well... all y'all ever do is demand accountability, so--

Anyway, I came by to tell you, I'm gonna be taking

a more active leadership role movin' forward.

- Wow, that's great! - Mm-hmm. I know.

So, Coach, it's sorta like I'm your, uh, I'm your great-grandboss.

Okay, pappy.

You gonna shit-can me next?

Well, one more underachievin' season

ends with me in a Liberty Bowl quarter-zip,

sure might.

Hmm.

- The Liberty Bowl has a proud trad-- - Oh, Jake.

Fuck the Liberty Bowl. Huh?

We should be competin' for a playoff spot.

- Oh! - Not trying out kids off the street

like you are driving the goddamn BangBus.

- The what now? - The BangBus.

Don't you make it like you don't know about the BangBus.

Come on. Good luck at your little tryout today.

I'm prayin' for ya.

Okay, go Fish!

Let's fucking go.

Whoa!

What the fuck?

Fuck!

Ow!

Fuck! Why would you pepper spray me?

It's not pepper spray. It's dirt dauber spray.

Ah! It's-- it's worse!

Oh, my God, it's way worse!

You're not a school shooter?

Do I look like a school shooter?!

Yes, very much so!

You're Russ Holliday.

No, I'm not.

You are!

I see you on DeuxMoi all the time.

You know me from DeuxMoi, not football?

Yeah, you got thrown out of Nobu Malibu recently

for getting too drunk and then got hit by a car on the PCH.

I wasn't drunk. I was on drugs.

Wait, maybe I can help you.

You need a stronger glue for the humidity down here,

but the mask itself is really high-quality.

Yeah, my dad's a Oscar-nominated makeup guy, so...

Oh, my God.

Did he do Charlize in Monster? Did he do the freckles?

No. He did The Whale, though.

Oh, my God, which part?

The fuckin' fat guy?

No, which part of the prosthetic?

Are you not gonna ask me why I'm wearing this shit?

I mean, it's pretty obvious.

Disgraced jock sees an on-the-ropes program

holding open tryouts.

You figure, "I can't play as Russ Holliday,

"but if I make the team as someone totally new,

"then reveal myself,

I can leverage it all into an actual opportunity."

Suddenly, Russ Holliday's career is back on track.

You're an inspiration.

And an actor who broke out in the final season of Euphoria

plays you in your biopic.

He can't throw a football for shit, but you teach him how to on set.

And it's the greatest moment of your life.

Yeah, I didn't really think through it that much, but...

If you're gonna do this, you must do it with intent.

When I thought I saw a school shooter outside my dorm, I was thrilled.

I knew that if I, Danny Cruz, the team mascot, stopped you,

I'd become an overnight celebrity.

And pretty soon, I'd be on DeuxMoi.

Are you a psycho?

I don't know. Are you?

Do you even have a name figured out?

I don't know, I'll conjure it in the moment.

This isn't just football. This is acting.

Acting's easy. Dogs act, babies act.

I'll figure it out.

Lee Corso once called me a master improviser.

Every choice you make, you'll have to commit to.

Stay away from backstory and factoids.

You wanna come off as a quiet, likable leader.

Just try being the opposite of yourself.

Check-in's up there.

Okay, okay.

Alright, how do I look?

Yeah, you look good.

Why are you helping me?

Partly because I wanna believe that we're all human,

and no one is beyond second chances.

And partly because if this works, you'll owe me, which I like.

Hey!

Are you still any good?

Guess we'll find out.

Here we go.

Oh boy, here we go.

Hi, you here to try out?

Cool, what's your name?

Uh... what...

Just need to know who you are, man.

My name's Chad.

And last name?

What's that?

Oh, it's, um... Pow-- Pow-- Pow-- Powmer...

Paramia. Paramilio.

Pana-- Palmeiro?

Oh, sorry, that's my original, uh, family name.

Well, when my dad came from the old country

at Ellis Island, they changed it to, uh...

Powers.

You just-- You said your dad was at Ellis Island?

Yeah, he just-- he was really old when he fathered me.

It's-- it's a big scandal in the village.

Um, Chad, wh-- how old are you?

Mm, uh, you know... old enough.

Also young enough. You know how it goes, with COVID.

With COVID?

Years lost to Coronavirus.

Like, how old is anyone anymore?

Um, do you have a student ID?

Ooh. No, my-- My folks wouldn't let me carry an ID.

I grew up off the grid where-- where the crawdads are.

Is it-- Is this a fucking prank? What is-- What's going on?

Is-- Are you-- Is there-- Are you in the campus improv or something?

- Um... - 'Cause if so, just walk away, okay?

Comedy isn't funny.

Alright, let's get this donkey show on the road!

Get everybody signed in there, Kyle Shanahan?

- Yeah. - Oh, everybody except Chad.

Chad Powers. How you doing, Coach?

'Kay.

You wanna play some ball for us, Chad?

I would like that very much. I'm-- I'm...

You know, my mama used to say, when-- when she was excited, she would say...

"You-- you..." She'd say, "You-- you..."

Um, Chad doesn't have a student ID,

so I don't think he can try out.

Oh, come on.

Can use all the warm bodies we can get.

- That's right. - Sign him up.

That's right.

Okay.

"Chad..."

"W's" are hard.

See you out there.

Looks like he wrote that with his feet.

- Alright, well. - Alright, see y'all out there.

Yeah, alright.

That waiver clears us medically, if he dies, right?

Yep, yep.

A little help?

Come on, bro.

Coming.

You see this shit?

Alright, here you go.

Wow!

The maximum pussy move.

5.24.

Gross.

Adams, you're up!

Man, where'd you play high school ball, bro?

Oh, nowhere. I-- I was home-schooled.

Yo. Uh...

What the fuck, bro? You got a little, um...

Uh...

- Yeah, you got a little... - Oh!

It-- It looks like cum.

It's not cum.

Powers, Chad!

- Well-- Well, it looks like cum. - Stop saying that.

What do you say, Radio?

Let's see what you got.

You get that reference, right?

Yes, sir. I'm Radio from the movie Radio.

- That's exactly right. - Okay, cool. Cool.

Fuckin' wig.

Oh. Shit.

- 5.49. - Damn, Radio.

Know a one-legged girl in junior high who run faster than that.

Get on him.

Stick. Stick. Get on him!

Guess what I found in Dobbs' trash.

What?

Plays.

Un-shredded.

Do we need an incinerator?

The only person going through the trash is you.

It's reckless.

Hey.

These are Coach Ricky's.

Hm?

Hey, if I were to get hit by the team bus

or shot and killed by a drone.

- Mm-hmm. - Like that fan threatened that one time?

Or, God forbid, fired...

...do you think somebody else would bring her on?

Level with me, Jake.

Did some shit go down at the meeting with Mark?

- Turned into a Tricia meeting. - Shit.

The boosters had Mark fired.

- Fuck! For real? - Yeah. Yeah.

Shit!

- I'm dead. - Byrd!

I'm dead, they always come after the OC first, Coach.

- Byrd. Byrd. - I can't sell my house right now,

- I'm not liquid enough. - Can I talk some shit out?

Without you coming unglued?

You're not gonna need to move, alright?

We just-- we need a quarterback.

Break!

Watch it, watch it--

Wait a second, Georgia's picked the ball up.

Gates has got it, headed the other way.

He dropped it at the one-yard line.

Oh, my goodness!

Georgia is gonna win a championship

in the most outrageous, improbable,

inexplicable, painful way...

Let's go!

- What are you doing? - I don't know, I don't know.

- Hey, Radio, you're up next! - Oh, one second.

Hey, are you seriously quitting right now?

This is so stupid.

- Literally look how stupid this is. - You're dropping the ball, man.

You're dropping it right before the end zone.

You watch your mouth, Catfish.

If you're quitting, why are you still doing the voice?

I don't know. I don't know, I feel fucking insane.

I feel fucking insane right now.

You know what else is insane?

How you probably think if you just hadn't dropped that football

in the Rose Bowl, your life would've gone different.

Guess what? It wouldn't have.

You still would have ended up right here, 'cause you're you.

I should kick your fucking ass.

That's what Russ Holliday would do.

Do you want to be Russ Holliday, or do you wanna be this guy?

- Whatever his name is. - Radio!

You gonna come play football?

- Let's fucking go! - Did you think of a name?

Yeah.

My name's Chad Powers.

Chad Powers?

Set, hit!

Woo-hoo!

And, hit-hit!

Ooh!

Yeah, boy!

Okay, keep your eyes on 489,

- we're going one-on-one. Ready? - Break!

Hit, and hit.

And, hit!

Whoo! Tastes like warm milk straight from the teat.

Whoo!

Who's 200?

I don't know, I've been calling him Radio. You know, like from the movie?

Yeah, I know fuckin' Radio, Scott.

His name's Chad Powers, Coach.

Radio was an inspiration to his teammates,

and one tough son of a bitch.

- What was his deal, actually? - I don't know.

Brain damage from a car accident when he was five.

- Hmm. - Huh.

Hey, hey, hey! Somebody stay wide! Stay wide!

- I got him! - And, hit-hit!

There you go, alright!

Nice, 200!

Whoo!

Oh, that red rocket is big and dirty,

and you got puppies.

Alright.

- Good day, Sanchez. - Thanks, Coach.

Oh!

Fuck me.

- Shit. - Powers.

Hey!

That was one hell of a performance, son.

Oh, thank you, Coach.

Yeah. You can take your helmet off, it's fine.

I'm-- I'm just gonna leave it on.

Okay, why?

You know, in this helmet, I feel...

- strong. - Okay.

- Powerful. - Mm-hmm.

Like a strong, powerful male.

I tell you what, meet me in my office in a half hour,

and-- and we'll talk about you being a powerful male

in a Catfish uniform, alright?

Oh, no, you didn't. Okay.

- Alright. - Okay, a-- a powerful Catfish.

- No helmet though, okay? - I'm not gonna-- of course not.

- Yeah. - I'm not crazy. Ha-ha!

Okay.

Can't believe that fucking worked!

- Have you seen? - Seen what?

You haven't searched your name online?

No, I'm not some narcissist. Also, when I do,

I usually find death threats and American Sniper GIFs.

Not your real name. Your fake name.

Whoa.

No death threats for Chad Powers, huh?

Not at all.

Holy shit!

I was out there, I was fucking back. You know? I was fucking back.

So, now what?

My, uh... [clearing throat] my face is--

it's literally falling off my face. I can't sustain this long-term.

You can't.

We could.

Man!

You really are a psycho.

- Hey, Coach! - Coach.

You working late?

Yeah, I wanna stay awhile, catch up on some tape.

You're not having dinner with Wendy?

No. No, not tonight. But you know,

the season's just getting started. She gets it.

Yeah.

- Alright. - Alright.

- Hey! - Hmm?

When nobody's around, you can still call me "Dad."

No, I can't.

Chad.

You really turned some heads out there today.

Thanks, Coach.

What do you think?

Honestly, uh... yeah, impressive footwork.

Got a nice zip on your arm.

I don't think the mobility's there, but, uh, I don't know,

maybe that's your age, or maybe you've been hurt.

Oh.

Do you see that a lot?

The deer? Yes.

Yeah, aren't-- Sorry, aren't you Southern?

Of course, I am.

I was sayin', we should eat 'em.

You know, at Chernobyl after the meltdown...

you know, the deer eventually came back.

Yeah, I-- yeah, I think I read that online somewhere.

The city's sorta like ruled by wildlife or something.

How 'bout that?

Um, listen, I know there's a bunch of, uh, social media stuff

blowing up about you right now.

Videos of your tryout, it's like, going viral.

- Oh. - Um...

I would just be careful with all that.

When I ran track here, everybody loved me,

and it was, uh, it was really cool.

Um... [clicking tongue] but yeah,

then the old track career ended and my dad hired me,

and all of those strangers who used to love Ricky Hudson

decided I was now a nepo baby that they hated, so...

Must've been tough.

Yeah. But, um...

whatever, I'm just-- You know, I'm just saying

that, uh, it shouldn't matter what other people think, right?

You get to decide who you are.

Wow. That's really wise, Coach.

Thank you for that feminine wisdom.

I mean, a man could have said it, too.

It's just feminine 'cause you said it, and you are, of course, a woman.

Biologically speakin'.

- Yeah. - I assume.

Okay.

Do... Okay, see you around, Chad.

Or-- Yeah, I'll see ya.

- Alright. - Okay.

Thanks, Coach.

Come in.

- Oh! - Hey, Coach.

Hey.

- That's a hell of a view. - Yep.

Alright, mind if I pop a squat?

Nope, this won't take long, um...

No, your tryout spoke for itself.

I just wanted to ask you the same question

I ask all our recruits before we offer them

a spot on our team.

What's that, sir?

Why do you play this game, son?

I think...

without football...

I don't know who I am.

Sir.

I'll see you on Monday mornin'.

We'll get to work.

I gotta come clean about somethin'.

Yeah? What's that?

I'm not...

actually enrolled here at South Georgia.

Alright, well,

I wouldn't be much of a head coach if I couldn't fix that.

Okay.

It'll be our little secret. But no more surprises, okay?

Definitely not.

Alright, show up early on Monday,

and one of my staff will set you up.

Okay.

Bring your driver's license, your transcripts,

and a copy of your birth certificate, too.

Birth certificate?

Okie-dokie.

- Have a good weekend. - ♪ Bound by wild desire ♪

♪ I fell into a ring of fire ♪

♪ I fell into a burning ring of fire ♪

♪ I went down, down, down, and the flames went higher ♪

♪ And it burns, burns, burns ♪

♪ The ring of fire, the ring of fire ♪

♪ I fell into a burning ring of fire ♪

♪ I went down, down, down, and the flames went higher ♪

♪ And it burns, burns, burns ♪

♪ The ring of fire, the ring of fire ♪

♪ The taste of love is sweet... ♪