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The Skin

Looks like a radio tower up there.

I don't like this. It's all too easy.

I can only see vines.

Yeah, it must be a trap.

I bet there are some Krauts hidden behind there.

I still don't like this calm.

This damn flight is taking forever.

Maybe it would be better if we turn back, Mark.

If the Krauts knew they had the head of the Fifth Battalion

buzzing over their heads ...

Yes, I know there could be spies. But now relax, Bob.

The Italians are a great people, but they made one fatal mistake.

They chose the wrong side.

Christ, how could you make such a stupid mistake?

We didn't know you yet ...

Well, never mind. You're on the right side now.

Mark Cork's Fifth Battalion will be in Rome before Christmas.

You can bet on that.

I'm sure you won't find any takers, General.

Did you know that no one in history

has ever conquered Rome coming from the south?

Mother! Mother!

Ciro!

Captain, there's something fishy here, and it isn't the Bay of Naples.

I can hear a waltz.

What the hell are you talking about?

A waltz, you know, music ... A waltz!

Hey ... wait a minute.

Hold it! Hold it!

Captain, go ahead and survey the area.

Sergeant, take 10 men and go up those stairs!

You! Follow me.

I want to know what the hell is going on here!

Sergeant, I want you to take some men and go up the other side of that street.

And watch out for ambushes.

Incredible!

It could be a trap, Captain.

Okay, if anybody makes a false move,

I want you to blow their fucking heads off.

Let's go!

Look what handsome boys! The Vitamin A has arrived!

- Vitamin "A"? - "A" like America. The American, my dear.

Hey, you, come over here! Move!

- Me? - Yes, you. Come here! Hurry up!

Where are the Krauts?

What Krauts?

The Germans. Where are the Germans!

How should I know where the Germans are? By now they will be in Rome.

You come looking for Germans here?

Maybe he is speaking the truth, Colonel.

And the Fascists? Where are the Fascists?

You understood very well.

Come on, answer: where are the Fascists?

Fascists in Capri?

And where are these Fascists?

Here there are only anti-Fascists. Can't you see?

It would appear that there are only anti-Fascists left here.

Listen, tell him I want to know where the enemy is, and I want to know right now!

The Princess!

She is definitely a "super anti-Fascist"!

We have a Princess here, Colonel.

- Well, what do I say? - Say...

Cheers for the Americans!

Cheers for the Americans!

I think we should call the base.

Ah, yes... it's true.

- And what should I tell them? - Say that...

Say that we've taken Capri.

Eagle HQ ...

Operation Peanut is complete.

Today, the United States Fifth Battalion and the Allied Forces

have militarily occupied the Gulf of Naples.

It is one further step towards our goal:

the complete liberation of Italy.

When do you expect to be in Rome, sir?

I don't want to make any predictions,

but if the Germans put up any resistance,

they'll bitterly regret it. And you can print that.

I'd like to ask Captain Malaparte a question, if I may.

Captain Malaparte?

Shoot soldier, but remember, we are in his house.

Captain Malaparte, how do you reconcile your role as a liaison officer

with the U.S. Army, with the fact that

20 years ago, you joined the Fascist Party?

I believe it was 20 years ago that Winston Churchill

said during a visit to Italy:

"If I were Italian, I'd join the Fascist Party."

Well, I was Italian.

I might add that Captain Malaparte

spent a good part of those years in Fascist prisons,

don't forget to print that.

- Any more questions? - Yes, sir.

General Alexander says that the British Army is...

That's it, gentlemen. I'll see you all in Naples.

All right, boys. Take your pictures.

Make it quick.

All right, that's enough. Everyone out. Soldier!

-Yes? - Let me see that.

- The left side, the left side. - Yes, sir.

I see you've settled in well here, Malaparte.

My house is your house, General.

Unfortunately it's a bit far from the front. Shame.

Fronts move, the offer remains.

Thank you.

Hello.

General Mark Cork, Princess Consuelo Caracciolo.

Madam.

They tell me that in Naples your word will be the law.

- Do you know Naples well, General? - No, Madam.

But I expect to know it soon enough.

It's the oldest city in Europe. Did you know that?

What the princess is trying to say is that you must be patient,

if there are some things you do not understand immediately.

Very well...

- What a lovely dog! - His name is Febo.

Mine is named Pal. I found him in Northern Africa.

I nearly ran him over with a Jeep.

I found him in Russia, with a bullet in his body. The Germans.

Watch... Febo, Heil Hitler!

Hey.

Be a good boy, Febo. So long.

Will you return to Capri soon?

Let's hope so, Vincenzo, let's hope so. Take care.

Take my luggage to the palace.

Be good! Be good!

Look how pretty they are.

- You girls are beautiful. - And what do you want?

It's too early.

Go home, handsome.

Let's go.

Poggioreale! Poggioreale! Poggioreale!

- What happened? A massacre? - Where have you been, Sir?

Massacres here are an everyday thing.

Typhus, famine, infection ... Death doesn't lack imagination.

Death ... We come once a week.

Rich or poor, the funeral is free.

Are we or are we not a democracy?

The hell we are!

You haven't been here for 15 days!

With just three trucks in the whole of Naples,

weeks are now 15 days long, Ma'am.

You have no respect, not even for the dead.

Listen to her! She says we have no respect?

Do you expect us to carry them on our backs?

- What manners. - We only have three trucks.

Make them walk.

We've been looking at corpses for years, we can't do it anymore.

Make them walk to the cemetery.

- Of course, on foot. - This is crazy. Let's go.

On foot. Let's keep going.

Hey! Nice fella!

You can't stay here, it's off limits.

This is a restricted area, it's off limits. Understand?

- Go away! Off limits. - What does off limits mean?

I don't know. It must be an American General.

Off limits.

What a shit system. Like this we'll get even more people.

- Hello. Good day. - Look, here goes the local Big Cheese

paying his little visit to the bank.

So he's the Big One, huh?

Ah, my dear Don Eduardo. Come in!

No, it's closed!

Excuse me.

Hey...

I hear that here they have spaghetti over their pussies.

Yeah, with tomato sauce!

Hey! Let us taste your Linguini!

We want them with oil, garlic, parsley and chilli!

It's closed, closed, it's over!

Hey Joe! C'mon, boys behave.

C'mon quick, sweet boys ...

Ah, I understand.

And how many are here with you?

There are two, but they eat for six.

- Let me see. - They're right here.

Let me call her.

Rosaria! Rosaria! Rosaria!

- I'm over here! - Where is she?

- I'm here! - Rosaria!

- Here! - Rosaria, come here.

Do me a favour. Since you know how to speak English

tell them that we have to shut the shop for ten minutes.

- Private affairs. - Alright.

Come here, Don Eduardo.

Listen! Ten minute closing!

Okay? Ten minute closing. Keep calm boys.

Hey guys! Let them hear us!

Hey! Shut up, shut up!

Listen, behave yourselves

or we'll kick you out like we did with the Germans, alright?

And it's going to be in two days, not four.

- Two days, alright? - Alright, alright.

Hey big mother, come down here. I got something for you.

Be quiet boys, be quiet,

that after there will be pussy to eat.

- Hey! What is this? - So? How much does he weigh?

The hat, take off the hat. How much is it?

Sixty-five kilos, you see?

That's it? You said they ate for six.

My god, Don Eduardo, have a little patience!

Come here. Come here. Come here.

Come here. Come here. Come here.

Look at those two. They eat for six.

- But this one, he eats for half a man - Doesn't want to eat?

Why? The people of Naples are dying of hunger

and you refuse to eat. Why are you refusing your macaroni?

- Stomach, nicht gut. - He doesn't like them?

Make tagliatelle, I brought flour.

What? Now I have to make tagliatelle for him?

Look at how your friends are nice and plump

and you're a stick.

Eat, you hear me?

Eat, as if your life depended on it.

Eat, eat you damned wretch.

Let's go, spaghetti, line up!

Move it, spaghetti!

Don't stop, keep moving!

Line up, line up, spaghetti, let's go!

Don't stop!

A splash of cologne, keep moving, keep moving!

Move it. This is for you, take it.

This is for you. Come on, peasant. This one's perfect.

Don't be so damn picky. Take this one, Italian.

Then you can eat without a napkin.

There's a bloodstain.

Oh! A little stain, huh?

Then take this one!

Take this one. It's already got spaghetti in the pockets. Better? Come on!

Come on, move it! Back, all of you!

Come on, there's nothing wrong with it.

Move it! Keep going. Come on, come on!

Attention!

Company! Attention!

Stand them at ease, Sergeant.

Company, stand at ease!

Boys, I am sorry but we have to go our separate ways.

I've been given a new assignment.

Captain Palese will take charge of the Company.

And he wants to have a word with you.

Please.

Men,

we're the first liberation unit of Italy.

We are soldiers of a new Italy.

We must fight against the Germans and expel them from Italian soil.

We must pick up our flag from the mud in which it has fallen,

and lift it high as an example to all Italians.

We must erase ...

... the terrible shame that we have suffered.

We must be worthy of this great role that History is handing us.

Let's see if you have understood what the Captain said.

- You, come here - Me?

Yes, you.

Alright, repeat what the Captain said.

He said that ...

... we have to prove ourselves worthy of the shame of Italy.

I think they understood very well.

Go back to your spot.

You are listening to the Allied Armed Forces Radio in Europe.

That was Glenn Miller and his Orchestra

transmitting directly from the Palladium in Hollywood, California, USA.

Worried about syphilis?

Venereal diseases can be more destructive than war.

But thanks to penicillin ...

Hey Goldberg, did you hear that?

Glenn Miller is playing live 7,000 miles away ...

How come you're not worried about getting syphilis?

Did you really lay that Countess, Jimmy?

I already told you, Goldberg.

Well, so tell me again. But better, in all the details.

Don't rush it.

Did she go down on you?

Listen, in Europe, that's normal.

Get it through your head ...

European women are different.

Listen Goldberg, instead of lying around here jacking off to those magazines

for three lousy bucks, you can get anything you want.

Are you crazy?

Every nigger this side of the Atlantic has been in them wop broads.

Have you forgotten those documentaries about what happens

to your pecker if you get the clap?

It's better than going blind, Goldberg.

Eh?... Where did you hear that?

How many fingers am I holding up?

You see? You're already blind, Goldberg.

Christ!

FIFTH BATTALION GENERAL HEADQUARTERS

Good day, General.

Captain Wren for the General's communications conference.

We are running late for two conferences, Captain.

I'm afraid you'll have to wait.

Good day.

No, not now.

Gentlemen, first the good news.

I come from a long talk with Alexander

and he agrees that the British Eighth Battalion

will give way to their "big American cousins", as he like to call us,

and Mark Cork's Fifth Battalion will be the first to enter Rome!

- Great! Excellent! - What do you think?

Now, the bad news.

I don't believe what Alexander says, not even for a second.

Half of his staff are pansies,

and the other half thinks we're half-witted cowboys.

And he is somewhere in between.

We mustn't trust him at all.

The Fifth American Battalion was the first

to get a foothold on the European continent

and you can bet your last dollar that no one, including Mr. Churchill and his poofters,

will prevent my Fifth Battalion from being the first to enter in Rome!

It's a matter of principle!

Sir, General Eisenhower. It's the third time.

Bob ...

Carry on, gentlemen.

Must be something important to get him up this damn early in Washington.

We'll soon find out.

Hello?

Yes, it's Mark ...

How is Italy, you're asking?

Oh, Italy is beautiful.

What are you trying to say?

What?

Which senator's wife?

From Massachusetts?

Here?

Ike, for Christ's sake, we're fighting a war!

You won't think that I have time for ...

Ike... Not even if it's the President Roosevelt old lady ...

No ...

I'm prepared to repeat it even in front of him ...

Do you understand that we are in the shit here ...

Yes, Mr. President.

I apologise, Sir, I didn't mean to disrespect your wife

however, I strongly advise against it.

I understand your position, Sir

and, given the circumstances, I'll do my very best.

Mr. President, you can count on me.

Thank you, Sir.

A goddamn trick, that's what it is.

... to rob Mark Cork and his Fifth Battalion of their rightful glory.

Massachusetts. That's Senator Wyatt, isn't it?

Yes. The one with the motto: "Fool all the people all the time."

That's who he is ... What do you make of it?

Well, nothing, except that his wife is Deborah Wyatt.

- Exactly. - Of course, an aviator.

She was the first to cross the Pacific solo in '39.

The first woman ...

... which make this some kind of giant publicity stunt.

That's what it is.

Someone just made her a Colonel in the Air Force

and she comes up with this foolish project

of supplying food to the starved population with her nice aeroplane,

and it seems that the President is interested in it as well.

- Christ! - We both know it.

Even that table's leg knows what the President is interested in

with the elections coming next year ... winning votes.

- How's it going? - Alright.

- What are you doing tonight? - Take a seat, please.

- Good day. - Good day.

I'm sorry, but you'll have to wait, Captain. Be patient.

Thank you.

Hey, didn't I see you at that press conference in Capri?

Yes.

- You have a beautiful home there. - Thank you.

- Go ask, go on. - Those two? Let's see.

Mr. Mazzullo.

- You're early. - Uh?

- Sit down, please. - Ah... sit down? Alright.

- You must have a little patience. - Yes, yes..

- What'd she say? - She told me to sit.

So go sit.

Who's next, Lieutenant?

The representative of the Committee for Civilian Assistance.

- That'd be the German prisoners, Sir. - And then?

A meeting about the front. That'd be six minutes from now, Sir.

The one for the Committee... what's his name?

Eduardo Mezzullo.

- Let's see them all at once. - Yes, Sir.

Mr. Mezzullo?

Captain Malaparte? Captain Wren?

- Mr. Mezzullo... - Mazzullo, Mazzullo.

- They tell me, Mr. Mezzullo... - Ma... ma... ma.

Ma-zul-lo, Ma-zul-lo.

It would appear that you are holding a certain number of German prisoners ...

273, Mr. General. 273 ...

That your people captured when the Germans mounted a retreat.

Mounted a what?

He said that you caught those Germans when they were retreating.

No, General. That was when we chased them away.

General, the Neapolitan people fought really hard.

There was a great insurrection that lasted four days

with injuries and casualties ...

Believe me, it was terrible, General.

- There was blood in the streets ... - Yes, yes, I understand, Mr. Mezzullo.

Here we go again! Ma... Ma

Listen, I would like to get to the heart of the matter, if you don't mind.

You've been caring ... your people have been feeding those prisoners for weeks.

It must have been a terrible burden on you

with the price of food rising like it has.

And, naturally, we will keep into consideration the effort that you have sustained.

Care to explain, Captain?

- You'll be compensated. - I have understood. Compensated.

The Fifth American Battalion is prepared to pay a fair compensation,

a banknote of 1000 Lira for every person.

You're a very kind man, General. Very considerate.

But the price has to be adjusted.

The price is different. You'll have to pay 100 lira per Kg.

100 Lira per Kg.

What?

It's 100 lira per kilo.

So a man who weighs 80 kilos would cost 8000 Liras!?

Ah, these days it's rare to find someone who weighs 80 kilos.

Captain Malaparte, tell him that he's crazy.

- The General is an honest man. - Who are you?

Now you listen to me ... Mr. Whatever your name is ...

... you have 24 hours to accept my offer.

After that, you'll deal with the military police.

And I assure you that in a very short time

they will pull out every one of your 270 prisoners.

It's 273!

Alright, we'll see. Let's go.

I warn you that he is serious, this keeper of German prisoners.

So am .

The US government does not fool around with

the Geneva Convention rules regarding prisoners of war!

I'm going to take them from him by force.

It won't be easy. You can hide half of Italy in the caverns of Naples.

In that case, I'll just have him shot.

If you do, you'll never see those prisoners.

Why don't you let me handle this?

And you, Captain? What's your role in all of this?

Me, Sir? I'm here for the communications conference.

Ah, the communications. That's what we need around here.

I am grateful, you've taken on a hard task.

You'll go with the Captain.

But I ...

What?

Nothing, Sir.

Damned Italians.

Well... I'm Jimmy Wren.

What are they arguing about?

Well, you know, the price of human flesh,

it has dropped below that for beef or pork.

A week ago, you could get a 20 year old girl for 10 dollars.

Now you can get four of them for the same amount, bones and all.

The Sicilian girls have flooded the market.

They're older, so they cost less.

You know, we have a saying in Cleveland: "From behind they're all the same".

- All of them except your sister, huh Jimmy? - I don't have a sister.

Though if I did, what would that have to do with anything?

Beautiful! Beautiful American boy!

Hello handsome ...

- Beautiful, come with me. - Oh, no. No, thanks.

What lovely skin.

- No? - I can't, I'm on duty.

- What a beautiful face! - No, thank you.

Then go fuck yourself!

- Go eat shit, you idiot! - What?

- Looks like you're being successful. - Oh, yes! A great success!

- I mean, here it is all a big show. - Hey, it's five dollars!

Did you see what they did when those black boys went by?

Come, come to see. It's incredible!

Hey, Joe!

See that? They're all blonde down there.

What kind of Sicilians are they?

Do you think those soldiers feel like victors

when those women spread their legs for them?

Well, they probably feel the same thing I do.

- Which is... - I don't know.

I feel like I'm seeing Europe.

- Come with me. - Where are we going?

To see Italy.

Good day.

- What happened? - Nothing.

What do you mean, nothing? He's an American officer.

Yes, the Captain is interested in Italian craftsmanship.

- Show him what you make. - Italian craftsmanship?

But I don't think he'll be interested in...

Yes, yes. Are you interested?

- Yes. - Do you like what we do?

Put on the wig.

- No, you go. - Are you crazy?

- My god! - Ok. Give it here.

Rafa', where are you going? Rafa', where are you going?

Rafa', where are you going? Where are you going? Where are you going?

- Ah... right. I am sorry! - Sweet Mother of God!

You have to go.

- What's going on? - Just wait ...

Oh God, give me the strength.

Are you sure the boy won't get me into trouble?

You must help me, I am a poor wretch.

He's a good man.

- A good man. - An artist.

I was a tailor, but these days ...

I can't practice anymore, because ...

It's ready.

- But ... what is she doing? - What is she doing, huh?

- What? Oh, help me God! - Explain it to him.

That is for your black soldiers, they like blonde women.

In Naples, there are no blonde women so we made that up.

Black soldiers have particular tastes ...

We must understand them, and be hospitable with them too.

- I want one. - Does he want one?

- Yes, how much is it? - Ten dollars.

- Is he going to pay for that? - No, no, seven ... seven!

No, ten dollars! They require a lot of patience.

They are made hair by hair. It's a lot of work. Hair by hair.

- Hair by hair. - Okay, okay, ten dollars.

There's your patience.

This is crazy!

Jimmy, if the Americans would lose the war

do you think the women in New York would be that creative?

They wouldn't need to be.

In New York there are enough blondes for everybody.

Down there.

But ...

- Shall we go? - Where?

Mr. Eduardo has found us.

What's going on here?

- Hey, one moment! - Leave it. Come.

How did they get that tank?

- Later... - It's one of our Shermans.

Sssh! Wait.

How's that possible? It belongs to the Army.

You'll see. Mr. Eduardo will explain everything.

Wait here a moment.

I don't see why I should be interested.

A tank, what am I going to do with that?

- Want a cigarette? - No, thanks.

- They are American. Original. - I don't smoke.

- No? Want one? - Yes, thank you.

The war's over, you know...

- There's metal. Lots of metal. - Ten tons of metal.

Yes, metal.

- And a cannon! - A big cannon!

I know, a cannon. But that is just old metal. What am I supposed to do with a cannon?

The war is over.

- And there's a transmitter radio... - A radio.

Listen, has the General agreed to this? Does he know?

Does he know? Ok, don't worry, don't worry.

I bet that this entire circus is to convince us to accept his conditions.

Why? Aren't you convinced?

Did you hear what that cocksucker offered for a new Sherman tank?

- I heard, I heard... - We did the right thing to leave!

What does he think, he isn't the only wop in Naples.

We'll find how many we want ready to pay ten thousand bucks for that ...

God damn it!

Sons of bitches!

Good day.

- So then ... - Very well.

- We accept your conditions. - Very good, my boy.

I am very pleased, indeed.

Obviously, we need the General's authorization.

Of course, but tell the General to hurry,

because the price goes up every day.

Better to say, every hour.

The price could go up.

But that's not fair!

You can't raise the price, we had an agreement!

What is he saying?

- That everything's fine. - Great.

I'm pleased. Well done boys.

He's a nice boy, isn't he?

- Ok, Jimmy. - Well done.

- Alright, it's set. - Yeah.

You know, that reminds of a lady

- that I knew in Atlanta. - Let me see, let me see.

You know, there's a name for this thing. It's a pussy wig.

It's called a merkin. It was very popular in the 1700s.

- What a load of bullshit! - You don't believe me?

- No, I don't. - He doesn't believe me!

If anyone knows, it's Goldberg.

He's an expert.

Stop! Fucking nigger!

You piece of shit! I'll smash your face!

- I'll teach you a lesson! - Get your hands off me!

There, here we go again.

What the hell did we order?

Oxtail stew.

The tail of the cow. A specialty from the south.

Christ! It looks like they gave me the part the tail was attached to.

I'll admit it's not caviar or truffles.

I mean look, what are we putting in our stomachs?

The thing the ox used to clean its ass with

dragged through grease that's like it came out of a crankcase,

and seasoned with the waiter's bad breath.

Colonel, I don't think we all agree.

It's wartime and, in Naples good ingredients aren't always easy to come buy.

See? What did I say?

I'm not eating any more of this dago food.

No offense, Captain.

No, I don't blame you. I am having a terrible time eating mine.

I adore the subtle flavours of oxtail made with nutmeg, celery, white wine...

But this, already after the first bite, was unpleasantly sweet,

covered by a rubbery, sticky, unpleasant skin.

So I took a good look at the plate and what I saw wasn't oxtail ...

... but, as when dining you should never disturb the joy of others,

I continued eating, thinking:

"My god, look what these shortages have caused ... first, you give a finger ...

then another, and then, yes, an entire hand!

Look!

But, in spite of my good manners, I really couldn't eat the fingernails.

- Let's go have some coffee. - That's pretty good, how'd you do that?

It wasn't easy, I can assure you ...

Three coffees.

Malaparte, you're a genius! The way you arranged those bones ...

I never even saw you move. How the hell did you do the nails?

Jimmy, do you think I was joking?

My God! That's horrible!

Hey, paisa, you got ID?

Hey, easy soldier. This man is an officer of the Italian Army.

What happened, Captain? Has the Italian Army run out of uniforms?

Forgive me, Sir.

We have received a radio message ordering us to pick him up urgently.

Hey...

There must be a mistake! Wait!

Hey, Jimmy!

- Ciao... - Come here.

Will you buy me a drink?

Oh, sure. Barkeeper!

Two whiskeys.

I know these Yankee bluebloods like the back of my hand.

And Deborah Wyatt doesn't like men like me

men who worked their way up from the bottom.

And she likes Italians even less.

Of course I'll do everything I can.

But if she thinks so lowly of Italians.

Ah, but you're different.

You know the Pope and that damn fool Picasso.

- And ice? - No.

And you can talk about Maxim's in Paris

and who painted the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel.

Those Bostons-came-over-on-the- Mayflower types get a thrill out of that.

I've only met His Holiness twice, General.

Yes, yes, yes. I know, I know...

But I was thinking ...

I would like to throw a fancy dinner for her,

Renaissance style, you know, in ...

in some sort of old palace, with servants

in powdered wigs and white gloves. What do you think?

You could try that. Palazzo Toledo would be suitable.

Great, and then ...

And then it's up to me.

Exactly! Keep her out of my hair,

keep her away from me,

- as far as you can ... - Yes, I understand.

Op-la!

You have fun only when you play with the dogs.

Come on Febo. Very good. Very good Febo!

Fetch!

Splendid. Very good.

- Very good, Maria. - Thank you, Sir. Bon appetite.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

Marvellous, isn't it?

You must be careful though, because sea urchins are a strong aphrodisiac.

Oh, you're scaring me.

So?

My dear, I don't feel a thing.

Wait. This is the danger.

The effect kicks in when you least expect it.

You know, I'm discovering America.

I like them.

They're clean and crystalline.

They believe that Christ is always on the side of the winner.

- Do you want to know something? - Yes.

I'm starting to feel the effect.

Really?

- Are you quivering? - Yes, I can't wait.

It's been so long, Curzio!

There's only you left to call me Curzio.

Stand back!

Damn! She's totally crazy!

And looking for trouble, apparently.

Don't tell me she flew that plane all the way from Washington.

From Sicily, but I don't doubt she would have managed it.

She had her Wings before she sprouted tits.

Colonel ...

Thank you.

I'm General Howes, General Cork's deputy.

Major Beckwith, General Cork's assistant.

The General apologises for not being here Ma'am, but duty calls.

Just as well! At least someone is fighting this war.

This is Captain Malaparte, seconded from the Italian Army.

As if you couldn't tell...

I hope to be useful to your mission, Colonel Wyatt.

General Cork has briefed me.

General Cork has directed Captain Malaparte

to help you with any difficulty, Mrs. Wyatt.

Obviously, you'll have to act in harmony with the local population,

and Malaparte is your man.

He has a fabulous villa in Capri.

Ah...

So what did you do in peace time?

I was far too young to remember.

Before this, it was Spain. Before that, Abyssinia.

You should have come to America. Our Italians fare much better.

You're right, but there were already too many organ grinders.

Are you making fun of me, Captain?

No, on the contrary, I admire your self-assurance.

You're everything that, unfortunately, we're not.

You think so?

Get away from me. I said leave me alone.

- Don't touch me. - Move along! Move out!

- Come on, let's go, come on! - Out, come on, let's go!

Move along! Clear out!

I'd like to help with your Moroccan troops, but I'm afraid I can't.

But my dear General, this is unheard of!

It's scandalous!

My Moroccan men are, how shall I say... hyper sexual.

Yes, they were born that way. They'll stick it in anything ...

... even in a sunflower, if need be.

Yes, a sunflower is enough for them.

The point is, General, that depriving my troops of penicillin

IS a serious crime!

Syphilis is destroying their ...

... military strength.

Yes, one penis after another.

General Guillaume, every month

I receive a limited supply of penicillin from America.

And what do you think my priority should be?

To save some sunflowers fuckers

or a sturdy American cock?

Now please excuse me.

General Cork, it's Colonel Eliot, Sir. He says it's urgent.

Be quick about it, Colonel. We're at war.

What?

No, no, that makes no sense. Let's start over from the beginning.

Right, first we have a creamy soup.

But our creamy bean soup is thicker than mud.

It can pass as a concentrated broth? Yes, I think that's alright.

And don't forget to add some chlorine.

I don't know, it looks like we'll have to look after her tummy.

Anything else?

What do you mean there is no fresh fish in Naples?

Colonel, you don't have to remind me that I prohibited fishing in the Gulf.

The Bay of Naples is mined from here to Sicily.

But when Mark Cork gives a Renaissance dinner the second dish will be ...

... boiled fish with mayonnaise, do you hear me?

How the hell should I know?

Try the aquarium.

Soldier.

Boiled fish with mayonnaise.

Jesus!

You think she'll like it?

- Let's hope so. - I sure hope Malaparte is right.

No, no. That one.

- How much is it? - Ten lira.

Thank you.

- There you go. - Now we are settled.

Have a good day!

No, thank you.

A real Renaissance banquet in the middle of World War ll.

And thanks to my modest contribution, maybe we'll manage to avoid

those horrible boiled corncobs and the canned pineapple.

Oh, crap! What the hell are you doing, Sergeant?

Sorry about that Captain, but it's an emergency.

Corporal Prewitt over there, got a sudden case of diarrhoea.

He was going to explode in our car!

All right. But now get the fuck out of the way! Go!

Quick! Over there!

Stop! It's a mine field!

Oh, God! Prewitt!

Let me look at him.

- Are you a medic? - No, I'm not a medic.

Then keep your wop hands off him!

Give me something to cover him with.

We are wasting time, Captain,

We need to get him immediately to the hospital!

I've seen many cases like this.

If we move him, he'll die an agonizing death before we reach the hospital.

If we make him comfortable here, the pain will subside.

- He'll die in his sleep. - Like a dog!

- Shut up, Sergeant! - Go find a medic, Jimmy.

Tell him to bring some morphine. I'll take full responsibility.

But, he's Italian!

That's a Corporal of the U.S Army lying over there!

Now you listen to me, Sergeant!

This man is a Captain with more experience than either of us.

We're going to do what he says.

I'm placing you in his command.

And I'm taking full responsibility!

Sergeant, we have to distract him.

Anything to keep him from realizing he's dying.

It's the only thing we can do.

Listen grease ball, if you're wrong about this

if that medic doesn't bail you out

I'm gonna tear out your yellow-live red entrails, just like that boy over there.

You got it?

C'mon, Prewitt, you lucky bastard.

You're going home.

Just wet his lips.

You know, I always figured you for a goldbricker, Prewitt

but this takes the cake.

That ambulance is gonna be here in a few minutes.

A few days of pretty nurses with big tits,

and then you're on a plane headed back to the good ol' U.S. of A.

- Ain't that right, Kaminsky? - Yes, yes.

Keep talking.

Look at this grease ball over here.

He's stuck in this fucking country.

Hey!

- Eh, goombah! - Chewing gum!

- Pasta e fasul! - Yankee Dollar!

Hey, fag!

Hey, c'mon Prewitt.

C'mon, cut that out.

Hey, you wanna see the wop do a Mussolini impression?

C'mon, show him how you can do Mussolini.

Italian men!

Italian women!

For twenty centuries ...

I can't ... I can't do anymore.

Snap out of it Prewitt.

What are you doing here?

Do you understand that it is full of landmines here? Get out of here!

Go!

Get that little slut outta here.

Go, go.

Would you tell that slut in wop talk to get the fuck out of here!

Beat it, cunt!

Enough! Enough!

Did you come here to fight Germans or to insult Italians?

You're killing us.

Move back! Move back!

- Keep going. Move! - They're here Prewitt!

Too late.

He didn't have a chance.

Thank you. Thank you.

- Pasqualino! Pasqualino! - No!

No!

Ok?

- What's her name? - Maria Concetta.

Before we continue with this simple meal

I'd like to say, Mrs. Wyatt, on behalf of all of us

that we owe you a debt of gratitude.

Your presence at this table tonight

serves as a reminder that we must win this war as soon as possible

so we can all return to the women we have left behind.

Mrs. Wyatt, it's a pleasure to have you with us.

Thank you.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

This is a beautiful palace. Who does it belong to?

To the princess of Toledo.

Captain Malaparte knows all the princesses in Europe.

- Isn't that right Captain? - Not all of them, thank God.

So, Captain, you must surely know Princess Carmela Esposito.

She was my dearest classmate at Radcliffe.

- Esposito? - Princess Carmela Esposito.

Princess Carmela Esposito, Mrs. Wyatt, is an imposter.

- I beg your pardon? - There is no Princess Esposito.

"Esposito” is a name they used to give to children

left on the doorsteps of foundling homes.

Sadly, there are more Espositos in Naples these days than ever.

Captain, all I know is that my friend

Princess Carmela Esposito lives in a palace in Rome.

Our State Department tells me

she has always been anti-Fascist, and I intend to visit her when I'll be in Rome.

If she's always been anti-Fascist, I'd say that that's further proof

that she's not a princess.

Well, if what you say is true, Captain

then I and many other people in Cambridge

have been greatly deceived in our good faith,

which doesn't reflect well on the Italian people.

In Philadelphia, our Italian community is among the finest we have.

All right, Chaplain, all right ...

Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to bring your attention

to the next item on our menu.

Boiled fish with mayonnaise.

Colonel Elliot has been responsible for the acquisition of this treat,

and the good Colonel tells me that this toothsome delicacy is called

... Si... rena.

- Do you know it, Captain? - Oh, yes. I know it very well.

Sirena. The mermaid of Naples. It's extremely rare.

But I've seen one some times.

- Where? - At the aquarium.

You can't be referring to Siren, the temptress of Homer's Odyssey?

Nowadays they have lapsed, poor things. They are just ordinary fish in our times.

There's no such things as mermaids.

My God, it's a baby! A cooked baby!

We have to bury it!

Cover it up! Cover it up!

I assure you, it's an edible fish, General.

It's a fish, General.

-It's a fish! -I assure you. Eh... It's a fish!

I don't care what they say, Father. My God! Please do something!

- Well, in Philadelphia ... - Gentlemen, sit, please.

Please, Mrs. Wyatt...

Now, the Good Lord knows what Mark Cork thinks

of boiled fish and mayonnaise.

But, then, I don't like war either.

However, someone has to take command.

Serve it!

I knew all along it was a fish!

Thank you.

Here, take this stuff.

It's all I could grab.

Here. Don't let anyone see it, all right?

- Caterina! I am here. - What? Just one packet?.

You should have brought this stuff to me!

That's absurd!

Let me go! Let me go!

Let me go! Bastard!

You lousy woman! I'll kill you!

Jean Louis!

My mother told me I'd find you in Capri.

So what are you doing in this God-forsaken city?

It's my duty to come here for the revolution.

Ah yes, I had forgotten about Count Marx.

And I had forgotten how deep your cynicism runs.

Yours and that of your entire generation.

Come Jean Louis, you wouldn't be a student of Marx

if his blood wasn't much bluer than yours.

Where is it written that you have to be a proletariat in order to fight for justice?

You don't understand the youth of today.

You can't imagine how different they are.

You won't recognize the world that will come out of this war.

The Imperialists and their lackeys will be defeated.

Hey, Malaparte, Jimmy sent me to tell you he can't make it.

He was supposed to bring me a medic. Anything wrong?

No, no, no. He was busy, but you're not to mention it to headquarters.

- We have to go. Goodbye. - Ciao.

Hold it a second.

- Hey baby. How much do you charge? - Let go of me! Fuck off.

- I was only asking. - Go eat shit.

All right.

- So What are you doing right now? - Nothing, why?

There's some boys that need a medic.

- Come with me. - I didn't finish my studies.

If you don't say anything then I won't either, okay?

Come.

Jimmy!

I thought you weren't coming.

I want to show you something.

- Pasqualino is coming too. - Hello!

Champ!

As you can see, the interior of Vesuvius is hardly asleep.

And, by examining the seismographs, we can see that

activity has increased in recent weeks.

- Does that happen often? - Absolutely not.

This is the first time I've seen this rare phenomenon.

- The first time... - Yes.

Maria, we should...

Excuse me. I'll be back soon.

Maria! Where are you going? What about the picnic?

I told my father that we were going to see the nuns.

- What? - My father,

he doesn't know I am with you.

Wait. I'll take you. In the car.

- No, we're going to take the tram. - When will we see each other again?

In two days. In the same place.

Will you think about me?

Yes.

I'd love to show you the youth of today.

You can't imagine how different they are.

They're better. They have revolution in their blood.

If only Trotsky and Lenin had known that.

No, Trotsky was a traitor and a pig.

Now, now, Jean Louis!

What would your mother say if she heard you talk that way

about someone you never met, and someone who has passed away, at that.

Mouth.

Sir, I want to go to Munich.

Why? There's food here.

Do you have anything for migraines?

No, I'm very sorry. I don't have anything.

The Geneva Convention, prisoner.

So? Have you checked them out? They're all in good health, right?

- Everything is ok. - This prisoner is appealing

- to the Geneva Convention. - What does he want to appeal about?

He's an idiot. He refuses to eat. He's all skin and bones.

I lose money on this one.

But the price of the others has gone up. It is now 200 liras.

Look, you're making war very hard for the victors.

But I can't be fucked by the victors either.

No, absolutely not! Is it clear?

No, no.

They're too fat, too... too German!

And far too bloody expensive! Have you understood?

Yes. But don't get upset. Let's consider the deal closed.

Fat is still fat!

We'll make soap out of them.

- Come on, let's go. - All right.

They're going to turn these prisoners into soap ...

Never mind that. Take a look at this.

"Queen of the Skies."

Queen of publicity hound is what she is.

- What do you think? - Well, she's photogenic.

What did you say?

That they'll turn the prisoners into soap?

Well, he's not wrong.

Soap sells for more than 200 lira per kilo.

And God knows the Neapolitans need it.

- You must be joking. - No, General.

You're not hard to find.

Is it true what the newspapers say? That you never drive a car?

I never have to.

I thought I'd come round to see how I could help you.

As a Liaison officer, obviously.

Well, that should do it.

Now I have to test it. Care to come along?

Yes, with pleasure, but what was the problem?

Nothing serious.

Old age, I guess.

The damn engine was hanging by a thread when I got here.

But it ought to hold now.

Try this on!

Stop! Stop!

General Cork sent you to play the Latin lover, didn't he?

Enough!

- Didn't he? - Yes, yes! But stop now!

I'm sorry if I have been cruel. I am really sorry.

Sometime people can be very cruel.

Hey handsome, come here. Let's go have some fun.

How is it possible?

How?

- Hands off, you scum! Pig! - Stop Deborah!

Swine!

Christ, how can they do that?

I cannot understand how they can sell their own children?

They're hungry.

It's better to sell them than to eat them.

You're a degenerate. All of Naples is degenerate.

Why did you bring me here?

So I can feel as degenerate as you?

We didn't start this war.

We don't sell our bodies for a pack of cigarettes.

A pack of cigarettes, you say?

Ma'am, what will you give me for that?

Thank you.

This is a pack of cigarettes!

Food for an entire family. Would you like some, ma'am?

- Here. - Thank you. Thank you.

- I brought you here because... - Because sometime people can be cruel.

- Are we even now? - Even.

- Did I do something wrong? - No, no.

Jimmy? What did I do to you?

It's not my fault if things didn't go well for you today.

Why are you being like this, Jimmy?

- Here. - What's that?

Try it.

No, like this.

Are you crazy? I already have hair.

Did you bring this filthy thing from the US?

No, no. It's not American It's from Naples.

- From Naples? - Yes, yes.

Hair by hair.

Who gave you this? Where'd you get it, Jimmy?

Where have you been hanging out? With whom? Who gave you this?

Jimmy, come here. Lie down with me. Come here.

Please. One moment!

Excuse me, I am ... looking for ... Maria Concetta.

What's he saying?

She has a little brother. He's called ... Pasqualino.

Maria, Concetta, Pasqualino ... There are thousands of them around here.

Wait, maybe he's talking about the virgin.

- Oh, the virgin? - Yes.

- Oh, well then. - Her father doesn't know about me.

Ah, her father doesn't know.

Wait, I'll come with you. I'll come with you.

- Thank you. - Antonio, are you leaving me here?

I'll see if he'll give me a couple of dollars.

- Here. - Thanks.

- Wait here, I'll be right back. - Yes.

Straight ahead. I'll be right back!

Come.

- That man said that you... - What did he say?

Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Jimmy, you can't stay here.

Never. My father ... with the war ...

He's gone crazy.

I brought this for him, see?

- I see. - Yes.

- Nice, isn't it? - Very nice.

But I can't take it.

My father mustn't know.

Damn, I have to go. Goodbye.

I've just got here ... I mean, wait a minute.

I would like to. I'm very happy ...

- But I have to go. - No, wait.

What a lovely butt. So firm.

It's beautiful.

You're a real joy. My joy!

What is this thing you brought with you?

You're beautiful! You're so good!

Well, usually I start with the wine cellar.

Why don't we go directly to the bedroom?

You are forgetting our truce.

- Right, we're still even. - This way.

- This is a marvellous home, Captain! - Thank you.

Did you buy it already made, or did you design it yourself?

I bought it already made, I designed the landscape.

I congratulate you.

The lady's bath is ready. Will she take it alone?

What does it mean?

Well, she asks if you'd like to take your bath alone, or with company.

You must forgive her. Maria ...

sometimes she tends to simplify things too much.

Poor thing.

It must be difficult for her to keep track of all those communal baths.

No thank you, Madam.

I guarantee that I can keep my self-control

for at least another five minutes, I'm sure.

Did you understand Maria?

The bath, in five minutes. And by herself.

It's from Jean Louis.

- Very urgent! - Right.

I could bet that it's an invitation to be the guest of honour at an orgy.

Eh, no. You have half guessed it.

What part? The orgy, the guest of honour, or the invitation?

The third part.

It's a party for men only, If you know what I mean.

I can look like a boy. What do you think?

How is Maria Concetta?

She's always running away ...

So you didn't get any, huh?

Yes, and you're going blind.

You're even wearing glasses.

Well, the doctor says ... It's just a little eyestrain.

Are you worried about syphilis?

Oh, not again!

I'm not the one who has to worry about that.

Perfect! Just perfect!

Yeah, then why are you scratching yourself?

This is the place. Or so I hope.

Be good!

I was waiting for you.

Hi.

It's hot.

It's hot.

- Go on, push. - It hurts.

It's too hot.

Ice ... I want some ice.

I want some ice!

I don't understand.

- Not coffee. What coffee? He wants ice! - Ice, I want ice.

Impossible. Impossible.

Let's hope it's a girl.

Calm down! Relax! You'll waste your strength!

Relax! Calm down!

Calm down! Calm down! Stop screaming, you'll tire yourself out!

Push, come on!

My god, it's a boy!

It's a boy! It's a boy!

Here it is, the pasta. Let's go, let's go!

Macaroni! Macaroni!

Look.

Febo! Febo!

Febo!

I am sorry if ...

I had never been there before.

You knew you would find me here ...

Are we even?

Come with me to Capri.

No.

I believe in my marriage.

Even if ...

And Febo, Pal? Did you find the dogs where I left them?

No, Febo wasn't there.

It's all my fault.

- You are an honest man, Captain. - Not more than you are, Mrs. Wyatt.

What does this clause about "net weight at dawn" means?

I had it put there, sir.

See, scientifically at dawn is when the human body weighs the least.

And "net” means they'll be weighed without their clothes after they've ...

... done their morning business.

I understand.

- Mr. Eduardo. - Yes, please?

Do you realize that this little transaction

is going to cost the American taxpayers

50,000 dollars in exchange for some 20 tons of enemy blubber?

Doesn't he want to pay?

He doesn't think this price is democratic.

Isn't democratic?

Let's not make these talks known to the press.

How is it not democratic?

Officers and soldiers cost the same thing.

- The same price ... - Yes, yes. Of course, of course.

But then, how much would he ask for the High Command?

What did he say?

For example, for Hitler, how much would you ask.

Ah, that's funny. How much would I ask ...

Tell him that with his Fifth Battalion marching towards Rome

the price is falling more and more every day.

In short, if prices fall it's the Fifth Battalion responsibility.

Yes, of course.

General, the photographers are waiting outside.

Good. Let them through.

- He is signing. - Yes, yes.

Gentlemen...

Mr. Eduardo, a photo. All together.

- This way. - Yes, of course. With great pleasure.

- Still looking for Febo? - Yes.

And what about operation "Sky Girl"?

Tonight or never.

Good. We are all here. Major Beckwith.

Antonio! Come to have a picture taken. The poor thing's an orphan.

He has lost his mother, poor man.

A mother's a mother, General.

Smile, smile.

Lucia! Come here!

I said come here!

Leave everything and come here!

Here come the Americans soldiers!

It was pitch black, but I'm sure this was the street.

It's gotta be here!

Here they come! The American soldiers!

Hi sweetheart! Where are you going?

Hello handsome! Come here!

Why don't you take one of them, Jimmy?

You Americans are too tall anyway. These are the ideal war brides.

You should be brought back to reasonable proportions, don't you think?

Do you ever take anything seriously?

Yes.

No, you're like all the other Italians.

- Are you going to help me or not? - No.

Hiya, Shorty. What's up?

Free tonight? Come up here.

This is the house!

You wait right there. I'll bring the old man down.

Jimmy, don't go.

I thought you were my friend.

Excuse me if I have inconvenienced you.

Jimmy!

Ciao! Hey!

How are you? Ok? Where is Maria Concetta?

No, no.

- Jimmy! - We'll play later, okay?

Jimmy, don't go! Jimmy!

Calm down, Captain. Get in line like everybody else.

- What's going on? - It's the Virgin of Naples, don't you know it?

Yeah! Virgin my ass! I hear she's even making it with the Lone Ranger's horse!

- Is she worth a dollar? - Shut up.

Put it into war bonds.

I'd stick it anywhere if I could just find a hole.

Jesus, all that unused cunt

and you guys are still whacking off.

Confucius say: "Sweet little pussy grow into plain old twat."

Get out of the way!

Fuck off!

Stop! Stop! One moment!

Come on!

One dollar, each!

One dollar, each!

Enough, enough!

Calm down. I know what you want.

You want to "smoke" her, don't you?

Impossible.

You want to fuck her?

Impossible! Because I'm her father.

- Do you not understand? - No, no, no.

- You wanna fucking? - Yeah!

Impossible. Impossible!

I'm her father.

Gentlemen, gentlemen...

The Virgin of Naples!

A real virgin.

You can put a finger in, if you want. It doesn't bite.

It doesn't bite. Try it.

A real virgin.

Virgin. Stick your finger in.

Touch. Touch. Only one finger.

Please, please.

Please.

Pulling rank on me, Captain?

Relax!

Look at this!

There! Are you happy? Eh?

You wretch! What did you do?

Looks like you just got put out of business, paisa.

Shut up, you bastard!

Son of a bitch! You knew everything!

You're all scum!

Wait! Jimmy, we lost the war.

Women and children lost it more than anyone else.

You are pigs! A city full of pigs!

- And what about you? - Shut up!

You went into that house certain that you could

buy everything with chocolate and cigarettes.

It's not true! I loved her!

You loved her? So, what's stopping you?

You're a pig too! A pig from Cleveland!

I wanted to marry her!

You're the usual killjoy, eh Clifton?

Always there when you shouldn't be.

Yes, I won't forget the chastity belt, don't worry.

After all, when have I ever forgotten it?

Worried about syphilis?

Venereal diseases can be more ravaging than war.

But, thanks to penicillin ...

Yes?

Captain, you're almost an hour early.

To the hospital?

Yes, I'll be down right away.

Have you finished your call?

Yes.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to keep you waiting, but...

No, no, I arrived early.

- Are you all right? - Well...

I'm sorry. I really...

Don't worry. Maybe there's still time. C'mon.

- Febo! - I'm awfully sorry you found him here.

We're conducting a study on extreme injuries. Like war wounds.

It is kind of an experiment.

I mean, to learn how to treat battle wounds.

These dogs are strays.

They would have been killed anyway.

Febo.

It's against the rules, but I'll put it to sleep.

It's a sweet, painless sleep.

Why this dreadful silence?

We cut their vocal cords.

Don't worry, Mrs. Wyatt, the ceiling won't fall down.

We eat here every day.

It is an honour to have such a young and beautiful American guest with us.

Thanks.

The U.S. Army reminds me of the wild scent

of summer rain and of the forest.

I suppose it has something to do with your cowboy life.

And with the direction of the wind, I imagine.

It is the only occupying army in the history of Naples

that came to the city gates and was polite enough to knock.

Well, when I look at all these ruins,

I think we may have knocked a little too hard.

That, my dear, is a negligible detail.

If one must lose a war, Mrs. Wyatt ...

... it is preferable to be conquered by an army

that has good manners, believe me.

Unfortunately, the Duchess of Amailfi has yet to recover

from the descent of the barbarians onto Imperial Rome.

My dear, I'm not quite old enough to recall that particular event,

but believe me: the poor and the noble

lost every war since then

regardless of their flag.

And women too ...

... after all, they have no flag.

The real Italian flag is not the tricolor, but manhood.

Morality, honour, family,

the cult of religion, they are all there, between the legs.

- My God! - I disagree ...

That's a bit too much.

There's only one flag ...

... this one.

But there is the one from Savoia.

Beh!

Listen.

An American airplane.

I'm afraid it's a German plane.

But why doesn't the Americans anti-aircraft shoot?

Because the Americans are asleep now.

But they rise early in the morning.

I have heard some more shots.

Listen.

There's people on the stairs.

- Let them in. - Ok.

Easy. Slowly, slowly.

She was taken by God.

You can go now. Nunziatina, Carmela, stay here.

Bring what's needed. Quick.

Sweetheart! What have they done to you?

Wake up! wake up!

Come. Let's go into the other room.

No, I'd prefer to stay.

Brush her hair.

With the brush, please.

Carmela, open my dress, please.

Let's hear the news. Turn on the radio.

The Duchess is calling.

Sirs, shall we go? We are being summoned.

This is the Armed Forces Radio.

We interrupt this program to bring you an important bulletin.

The Mount Vesuvius seismograph has registered

a sudden increase in volcanic activity.

A state of emergency has been declared. All commanding officers

must report to their bases for further instructions.

Tonight, when I saw those people ...

... I have a confession to make.

It isn't easy.

It's never easy.

But don't be afraid, we're in Italy.

Italy is the land where confession was born.

I've been dishonest, Captain.

Dishonest.

I'm not here to help the civilian population.

No, sir.

Am I here to help Senator Wyatt,

for the President of the United States election, for the Women's Air Force ...

No, that's a lie too.

I came for me.

For myself and nobody else!

What was I looking for? I don't know.

To have my picture in the papers maybe...

To be the first American woman in Rome ...

I've had enough, Malaparte, take me to Capri.

You're laughing at me!

I can't believe it, you're laughing at me!

No, no. I'm laughing at myself.

It seems impossible to me.

The destruction, hunger, violence,

all that for a photo in the papers.

You ignorant son of a bitch!

I hate your attitude, your dirty Latin race!

Presumptuous! Know-it-all!

All of you. Ponce! Scummy! Oily!

Hairy, dark, greasy gigolos!

Wop! Wop!

And you're laughing at me?

Well, listen to me.

That flag you keep between your legs, you can stick it you know where.

Move! Move!

Hey! What's happening?

What a disgrace.

- Stop! Let me in! - Get off!

Get off! Get off!

Listen, if you take me to the airport, I'll pay.

Stop! Stop!

I'll give you $50 to take me to the airport.

Okay, get in.

Saint Gennaro!

What's this?

Mamma mia!

It's the Vesuvius.

It's dangerous. You've got to get out of here!

Where to? This is my home!

You can't stay here! You have to leave!

Jimmy! Wait, stay!

Do you read me, Colonel?

I want every available man in Mark Cork's Fifth Battalion out in the streets,

shaved and in full uniform, helping the civilians.

Preventing panic, putting out fires.

I want them to swallow lava, if they have to.

And I want it all documented! Did you hear me?

Films, photos, radio, the whole works, all right?

Get on it!

That bloody thing out there ... I mean the Vesuvius.

It stayed dormant for 50 years.

This is goddamn historic day! All right, Bob ...

There. This is San Sebastiano, right at the foothold of Vesuvius ...

All ground vehicles to the service. I mean now!

What are the orders, Lieutenant?

All in flight. The entire squadron is engaged in civilian rescue operations.

- Sergeant! Get that fire truck ready! - Ok!

Aren't you afraid?

Ah! Fear ... the only thing I'm afraid of is human stupidity.

Because, unlike everything else in the world, it knows no bounds.

Oh, men can be such assholes.

Is this the end of the world? What is this?

Don't be afraid. It's nothing. I told you.

Oh my God! It's horrible!

It's hell breaking loose!

Close that door. Close it!

Vesuvius too is an asshole.

No, Vesuvius is not an asshole, you are the asshole for saying that.

- Turn on the light. - OK.

Don't blaspheme. Vesuvius is God.

- Remember. - Let there be light.

And God wanted that we, despite it all, eat a plate of spaghetti.

Maria?

Maria?

Maria?

Come with me.

Yes.

Stop, stop here.

Hey, have you seen Colonel Wyatt?

They're all out on rescue duty!

Hello, handsome boy ...

Come here, come.

Come, come. I've been expecting you.

Come.

Come, come.

Let's make love, come on.

PBS Air #3, PBS Air #3 ... I'm in trouble.

I'm taking her down.

Christ!

Come on, come on. Get your fucking asses in the trucks!

There's room for everyone! Just hurry up!

Easy, easy! How many of you there are?

Easy! Calm down!

Women and children first! Hey, I said women and children first!

Move on! There are other trucks further ahead.

That's enough. No more. Calm down, you goddamn blockhead!

- They're not animals! - What are you doing here? Are you American?

- Leave it, Sergeant... - You better get in.

I'll wait for the next one.

There ain't no more trucks, Ma'am.

We won't be back for a long time.

But you told them that there are more trucks further ahead!

Suit yourself. We're leaving.

C'mon, move. Out of the way!

What's the big deal?

Hey, hey! Stop! Stop!

- Stop. Let's pick her up. - She must be a local whore.

Hey, gorgeous, wanna come with us?

Get a load of this beautiful Italian blonde hair, guys. What a piece of pussy!

What do you say, guys? Let's see how blonde she really is.

- Not bad, eh? - Hey, not bad at all.

- Do you want a cigarette? - Hey! She is really all blonde!

Wait. Chocolate? Cigarette?

What cigarette? I'll give her my cigar!

How about eight inches of sugarcane, honey?

Hang on. I saw her first.

What's your name, honey?

Pleased to meet you...

- Whoa, what a wildcat! - Why are you not talking, Miss?

Get your tongue out.

Hey, Bob, let's go by rank, man.

You bitch! I'll rip your tongue off!

Stop now! Stop! Don't be an ass! Stop!

She bit me! That whore! You slut!

You're gonna pay for this! Whore!

Leave her to me!

Let's go by rank!

I am the Captain!

♪ Exaudi Domine, oratione meam, ♪

♪ et clamor meus ad te veniat. ♪

♪ Dominus vobiscum... ♪

♪ Et cum spiritu tuo ♪

♪ Corremus a te nos Domine clamandi exaudi ♪

♪ et dare serenetitate nobis tribulanti et supplicantibus. .. ♪

It's over! It's over!

It's over! It's over!

It's over!

It's over! It's over!

It's over!

It's over!

It's over!

It's over!

- It's over! - Deo gratias!

- It's over! - Deo gratias!

- Jimmy! - Goldberg!

- I was worried about you. - I couldn't find you!

I missed the Jeep, then I... I got laid!

It was fantastic, Jimmy.

This is Zelmira, a goddess!

And this is Maria Concetta. It's her.

Do you remember?

Careful here. Lift it up.

She needs a transfusion.

Take her to the ambulance right away.

Deborah? Deborah?

Doctor, come here, please.

She's hurt. Do something for her.

I've already examined her. It's nothing serious.

She's just roughed up a bit. She's in shock.

Excuse me now.

Deborah.

Can you walk?

God help us!

I don't want to stay here anymore.

I know.

I want to go home.

I understand.

Are we even now?

Yes, very even.

I don't want this here. Take it down the road.

Come on guys, we leave!

Everybody on the trucks!

Hey you, what are you doing? The picnic is over!

Everybody up. Let's go!

Hey! You are the Fifth Battalion! You look like a bunch of zombies!

Come on. Let's move!

We are leaving!

You know what? This is the bigger mess after the eruption.

Come on, we'll be on all the magazines covers.

Old America is watching us.

You will tell your grand children about today. Come on!

Come on! You too.

Move your ass, kid!

On your feet. All in line!

I want to see you all stand tall and proud!

- Rome awaits us. - Hey! Who has taken my boots?

Captain, it seems we've made it without The Queen of the Skies.

- Where is she? - She went back to America.

Malaparte, you're a genius.

Is this my transport, Colonel?

Yes, General, take your seat here.

General Howes, sit on the other side.

Captain Malaparte, that's your Jeep over there.

You too, Captain Wren.

And, Colonel, that's your Jeep over there.

Well, sir, that's about it.

Good job, Colonel.

General... I'd like to shake your hand.

Sic iter ad astra!

What?

"Such is the way to the stars."”

Well, let's go. Tempus fugit!

Yes, Sir!

Let's go!

Terence, this is a page of history!

This is really Rome?

Yes, it's Rome.

I always thought Rome was a city.

Father, do you know that some of these ruins are over 2,000 years old?

Yes, but in Philadelphia we have the Liberty Bell.

Malaparte, tomorrow I'll see the Pope.

Tell me something:

what is his favorite sport?

I don't know. Perhaps now he'll want to play baseball.

Very good!

Cameras, move forward!

You know, there's something sad about victory.

I mean, everybody goes his own separate way

and nobody knows when they'll meet again.

And if we meet again, we avoid each other.

Not us, I hope.

Let's set a date to meet

after the war in Capri. I love Capri.

You know, it's all set between Maria Concetta and |I.

She's going back to Cleveland with me.

But we're going to Capri first.

You don't believe me, do you?

I believe you, Jimmy.

No, you don't believe me.

You'll see, I'll be back and I'll marry her.

I am serious, you know?

- Malaparte! - General!

What are those monuments over there?

Tombs.

Tombs of the noblest Romans.

Which ones?

That's General Silla's.

That's Cicero's.

That's Julius Caesar's.

- Julius Caesar? - Yes.

And that one?

General, that's where the Roman prostitutes come out at night.

Bob? Don't tell that to the press.

Stinking Germans! Sons of whores!

Hey, Malaparte, what's going on here?

She thinks we're Germans.

Well, tell her that we're Americans.

Americans! Americans!

Amina! The Americans!

Americans!

Take it easy, lady. One moment!

Hey, take care of that sign.

Bob, that Rome Sign...

I want it for my office.

This one will be good. Hold on.

Hurray for the Americans!

Look, they're filming us!

It's the cinema, Marco!

Salute our liberators!

Hurray!

Up the Americans!

Hurray!

Up the Americans!

Marco, look! It's the Americans.

These are our liberators!

Look!

They are throwing chocolate at us!

Marco! Marco!

My son, my son!

Get these civilians out of here!

Take them away!

No civilians, no civilians! Get back! Get back!

Back up! Back up!

Oh, no! Stop! Stop filming!

Cameras on the Fifth Battalion!

Film the Fifth Battalion!

Turn that ... thing around.

Oh, Jesus!

General, there's been a slight accident, but we're moving on.

Driver, move on.

We better go now.

I'm sorry about that.

I'm sorry ...

We better go.

The ambulance is on its way.

You can go, Jimmy.

You won.

We thank I'Ente Ville Vesuviane in Naples for its gracious cooperation

Special thanks to the inhabitants of

the streets and neighbourhoods of Naples

for their spontaneous and warm

cooperation to our work, carried out

with great respect and sympathy for

a city of history and culture,

so harshly tried by the war.

Subtitles: Mario Leonardi