Original subtitles

[music playing]

ARTIE DEVANZO: And so DeVanzo stands

in, six foot first baseman out of Port Tucket.

Fine form on this fella.

Shot down the line.

That's a frozen rope, base hit in anybody's league.

[bat hitting balls]

And here's Captain Jeter steps up to the plate

to his usual hip hop music.

Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.

And look at the triceps on this youngster.

Someone was busy in the Nautilus room during the off season.

He'll give the fans a treat and do a little flexing.

That's right.

There's a couple actresses in the front row that are going

out of their minds right about.

Get out!

And sometimes he'll get in there and just give the fans a treat

and show them, ah, some of the-- some

of the finer points of hitting.

[grunt]

Fuck.

Absolute perfect 10 on this fella.

Quite a specimen.

.385 hitter, 23 ding dongs.

He's driven in 162 runs.

He's 30 seconds away from the body of a young Willie Mays,

and that's a single up the middle!

KID: Looked more like a double play to me, you fat fuck.

What the fuck did you just say?

I said softball's for girls and faggots,

and girl faggots like you.

You little piece of shit!

Mom!

The fat fuck next door is chasing me again!

[coughing]

MICHAEL: Anybody see my softball hat?

GINA: Michael.

Yeah.

Did you look at these cakes yet?

Uh, yeah, yeah.

I-- I like that one.

Hey, Marie! Marie!

Get the hat.

Gina, get the hat. - You didn't even look?

Marie, it's not funny!

OK, you know what?

I'm not being a bitch here.

You're missing Marie's recital tonight,

and I said we could wait for after the softball season

to go on our honeymoon.

I even let you pick your scumbag friend Artie as best man.

Sweetheart, listen.

I-- it's the first game of the season.

I just don't want to be late, all right?

I'm with you on the cakes.

I'll look at them later.

You know, and I was going to surprise you

by making your little plastic man on the cake

a Derek Jeter action figure.

But now, no.

I'm making you one of those Puerto Ricans

from the fucking Mets.

Don't even joke like that, Gina!

[music playing]

I'm coming back tomorrow for tanning.

You better.

Hey.

Mark Vicki Galliotta down as paid for this month.

[zipper]

And another dumb slut gets herpes.

[music playing]

Hey!

I don't want any of you Italians drinking

out of my water bottle.

Damn waps.

Come on, Maz.

Let's warm up already.

Don't mess with my pre-game ritual.

Putting on mascara is not a pre-game ritual.

Let's go. - Stop busting my chops!

I'm coming. - Hey, guys.

Hey.

What's up, brother?

Check it out.

My new Italiano mitt.

That's cool, Alfonse.

How much of a Guido can you possibly be?

Fuck you, Johnny.

I'll see you out there.

So starting early this year, huh?

Ready for the big day, opening day, big game.

Maz, we stink every year.

This is not a big game.

Yes, it is.

- It's not a big game. - Yes, it is.

I blew off my daughter's ballet recital for this.

I've seen your daughter dance. She sucks.

- No, she doesn't. - Yes, she does.

Yeah, well, which one? Ballet or tap?

It all sucks.

What's up, boys?

What's up, Mangenelli.

So Maz, how's the wedding coming?

You nervous? - Doing OK.

Gina's freaking out a little, but, uh--

My cousin's a good kid, but she can be a real ball breaker.

What are you going to do?

ARTIE DEVANZO: Oh!

All right.

Listen up.

Anybody who doesn't do a pre-game shot with me

right now is a fucking pussy.

Jerk off.

Hey, did this jerk off just call me a jerk off?

Come on.

Let's not ruin another game with a big fight, all right?

Dave.

Arto.

Fellas.

Dad, I'm thirsty.

Can I have some?

No.

Go steal that little kid's soda.

DENNIS MANGENELLI: Bro.

Look at yourself.

You're an unemployed drunk.

You play softball in corduroys.

And you still live with your mother.

You shave your body hair, wear Speedos down the shore,

and root for the Dallas Cowboys.

Hey, that's America's team, asshole.

Not in Jersey, asshole.

We grew up 15 minutes from Giants Stadium.

You're a fucking Cowboys fan?

You're just jealous.

My softball team won this league four years in a row,

going on five.

Ah, ah.

This year, you are not getting that trophy.

Oh, no?

Who's going to stop me, you?

[laughs]

In high school, I was the best baseball player.

You were second best.

I was the best football player.

You were second best.

And bro, the chicks I got were way out of your league.

I did fine.

You fucked skanks.

Skanks, huh?

You're looking at the first guy to bang Jen Martucci.

Whoa. Definitely not a skank.

I'm sorry.

Lisa Riccio.

Monica Nelson.

Danielle Bataglia.

Marisa Sal Vento.

Karen Deaver.

Tina Gardner.

Karen Deaver.

Pinkie Calibra-- you just said Karen Deaver.

Well, we did it more than once.

OK, I guess we're done here, bro,

because you're out of names and I got like 50 more.

I'll see you on the field, loser.

Yeah. Go ahead.

Run away, jerk off.

Run away.

Let's bring 'em in.

MAN: Now coming to bat is Artie DeVanzo.

Last season was a fine one for DeVanzo, we all know that.

Come on, Artie.

MAN: He batted .420 with 45 RBIs.

Batter up.

MAN: He enters today's game with a blood

alcohol content of 0.16.

For you kids scoring at home, that is an impressive twice

the legal limit.

MAN: Let's get it going now.

The DeVanzo shift.

MICHAEL: What do you say, Art, huh?

Let's go. Let's get something going.

DAVE: Let's go, Arto! Let's go!

What's this shit, Mangenelli?

It's my new defensive strategy.

Whole right side's open for you, Artie.

Go for it, bro.

All right.

Go the other way with it, Artie.

Trying to pull it will be stupid.

Come on.

[game chatter]

ARTIE DEVANZO: Shit.

So of course he pulls it.

Hey, shift works good, Mangenelli.

Run, Artie. Run!

Artie, run!

Run, man.

DENNIS MANGENELLI: Throw to first.

DAVE: Come on, Artie!

Out!

Out!

MAN: Yeah.

MAN: Nice hustle, Artie.

You're a fat fucking disgrace.

[coughing]

MAN: Never one of them lived past 40.

[coughing]

DAVE: Come on, Dirt. Start off, kid.

Come on now. MICHAEL: All right, Dirt.

Come on, dirt. Lay it in there, baby.

Come on, Dirt.

What do you say, Dirt?

You character?

Shit.

DIRT: Jesus Christ.

You disappoint me as much as my kids, for Christ's sake.

[music playing]

DAVE: OK, here we go.

Here we go.

Coming home.

MICHAEL: Come on, get it in!

Get it in!

Hit the cutoff, bro!

Yeah, baby.

Yeah!

Cut off man.

Cut off man.

Learn to love him.

You are killing us.

MICHAEL: What the hell you doing?

Go to second.

I'm having a smoke.

What's up your ass?

Got it.

ARTIE DEVANZO: Cocky prick.

MAN: He's tagging!

[game chatter]

[thud]

- Good job. - You're out.

Good job.

Fuck.

No pitch.

Hey, Tim.

I want to let you know, I've done

a lot of thinking about that talk we had last year.

I don't even know if you remember.

UMPIRE: Batter up.

I remember, when I overheard you telling

that joke at the bar, right?

ARTIE DEVANZO: Exactly.

TIM: You know, if we weren't good friends,

I would have handled that quite differently, right?

ARTIE DEVANZO: Hey, look.

Just so you know, I don't even use the N word anymore.

Like just now instead of saying the actual word,

I just say the N word.

Oh.

I appreciate that, Artie.

That's a good start.

Good for you, man.

That's OK, Dave. Keep swinging.

ARTIE DEVANZO: As a matter of fact,

listen to how I tell this joke now.

A priest, a rabbi, and an N-word walk into a bar--

All right, hold up, hold up, hold up.

Strike three.

You're out!

That was-- that's three.

ARTIE DEVANZO: Come on.

Let's get this guy.

Let's get this guy. He's nothing.

He's a loser.

He's an asshole, a cocksucker.

He's a total piece of shit.

You shut up, fatso.

Hey, watch the name-calling.

Pop-up!

You got it!

DIRT: Jesus Christ. - Shit!

I'm not angry.

Just give me the ball.

You son of a bitch. - Come on, guys.

Let's go, huh?

We look like shit.

Come on.

MAN: Let's get a batter.

Hey, DeVanzo.

If you're going to ask if you can suck my left nut,

the answer is maybe.

Do you ever think that if I didn't exist,

your life wouldn't suck so bad?

We grew up the same age in the same town at the same school.

If I wasn't around, maybe you could have had what I have.

Wait, I forgot.

If I didn't exist, you would still

be a total fucking [italian].

[thud]

[laughs] Come on!

Get it into second!

Come on!

Force at second!

Out.

[game chatter]

He tripped him, ump!

He tripped him!

I didn't see it.

Nice way to be! One down--

Cock sucker.

Way to be!

[fighting sounds]

[sirens]

MAN: This guy's such a pussy. DAVE: Yeah?

Well I'm out of your face, OK? - Yeah.

DAVE: Let's go. Who's ready for round two?

Who wants to dance with me again?

Who's feeling lucky?

You feeling lucky?

You feeling lucky, huh?

You're lucky the cops showed up, OK?

I'm-- I'm ready. I'm not tired.

Who's feeling lucky?

Don't eyeball me, tough guy.

When I was in the joint, I fucked guys bigger than you.

ARTIE DEVANZO: What the hell are we waiting for?

Hey, did Dirt just say he used to fuck guys?

MICHAEL: Never mind that.

We're waiting to find out how much trouble

you got us into this time. ARTIE DEVANZO: Me?

He started it.

[laughter]

All right.

Listen up.

First things first.

DeVanzo. - Yeah?

You're an asshole.

[laughter]

POLICE CHIEF: Now as far as the fighting

goes between yous two guys' teams,

this bullshit will not continue.

It happens every year, and it's the first game of the season,

for Christ's sakes.

So next year one you guys teams is going to have

to play in a different league.

What?

ARTIE DEVANZO: Wow.

I wonder who you're going to decide has to leave.

POLICE CHIEF: I'm not going to decide, jerk off.

Dennis Mangenelli suggested you jerk

offs decide it on the field.

Whichever team does better stays in the league.

The other team is gone next year.

That sucks.

We are so fucked.

MICHAEL: I think we can do it.

All we got to do is practice.

Practice is for fags.

Hey, are we done here?

Because I'm losing my buzz.

In two fucking seconds, I'm going to taser you.

Anybody here who's not an asshole have a question?

I do.

How come I'm only one who's locked up?

Be right with you.

[music playing]

Hey, Linda.

Hey, Artie.

Hey, let me buy you a drink.

No, I can't.

I got to meet my friends over at Ducky's.

Oh.

What happened to you?

Oh, this.

Uh, I saw three guys mugging an old lady, so I got involved.

Really?

Yeah.

She was a tough old broad, but in the end we got her purse.

[laughter]

Bye bye.

Goodnight, Ed.

Hey, Ed.

Get some beers here.

Whiskey.

Come on.

Jesus.

You look like you had the shit kicked out of you.

Yeah?

Well, imagine how the other guy looks.

ED: I imagine a guy completely unharmed with badly

bruised knuckles.

Don't you have livers to ruin?

Totally fucked us, man.

Listen, now that the games mean something, we'll be great.

This is just going to help us to play better.

Hey, Maz.

You think you could use the fight as a reason

to dis-invite Mangenelli from your wedding?

He's Gina's cousin.

He's going to be there.

And you're my best man, so you're going to be there.

And I'll have no bullshit from either of you, I fucking swear.

Hey, I'm not one to start trouble.

[phone ringing]

Oh, my god, you fat fucking lair.

That's an insane thing to say.

Hello?

Hey, hey, Gina.

Tell her you're still single for six weeks and hang up.

Yeah, yeah.

No, I've been thinking quite a bit

about the, uh, the-- the cakes.

Yeah.

Man.

Is he whipped.

All right.

Not that Maz is gone, we can talk a little bit

about his bachelor party.

Now, I've lined up five primo whores for the event.

One of them is called the Pitching Machine.

Now, you never in a million fucking years ever going

to guess why she's called that.

Go ahead.

Guess.

She shoots ping pong balls out of her snatch?

The name gives it away.

ALFONSE:

JOHNNY: Guys, let me ask you a question?

Why do so many diners have a happy waitress special?

None of these waitresses ever seem happy.

- It's true. - Yeah.

They should call it a bitchy broad with three

kids, no husband, and a shitty apartment in Linden special.

Parts of Linden are nice.

Oh, hey, Rhonda.

I didn't mean anything by it.

- Oh, not the part I live in. - Oh.

What do you guys want?

Let me get a bacon, egg, and cheese on a hard roll

with a side order of fries, cheese, and gravy, and a bowl

of gravy on the side.

I'll have the same thing plus pancakes.

- Chocolate milk? - You know it, honey.

Oh, make it two.

I'll have an egg white omelet made

with very little oil, dry wheat toast, and grapefruit juice.

Oh my god.

That's the gayest order I ever heard.

You know, in Massachusetts that order

could legally marry a dude.

Oh, here it comes.

You know, just placing an order like that can

get you kicked out of the Army.

Now, if you put a construction helmet on that order,

it could join the Village People.

[laughter]

Would you guys knock it off so I can do my job?

Thank you.

All right, Maz.

That's an egg white omelet, dry wheat toast, grapefruit juice?

That's right.

You want a side order of cock with that?

[laughter]

Oh!

We got it in fresh.

It's delicious.

ARTIE DEVANZO: People from Linden, I tell you.

Trust me.

[chatter]

[sizzle]

So what should we do now?

It's getting late.

Everyone with a job should go home.

Goodnight, Maz.

Very funny, ball tugger.

Goodnight, Johnny.

Hey, I got an idea.

MICHAEL: What?

- Manhattan. - What?

No. I can't do it.

Come on.

The bars in the city are open for four more hours.

Holy shit, it's midnight?

I got to get home. - That's right.

I forgot.

If you're home after midnight, Gina locks up the pussy.

That's not completely true.

All right? Now, shut up.

I'll give you a lift.

[giggling]

Holy shit.

I'm starving.

Isn't that that chick from the bar?

Oh, yeah.

That's Linda Salvo.

And she looks wasted.

Hey, give me a quarter, you fucking bitch.

WOMAN: Here, whore. - Fuck you.

I've seen her in this diner twice

before when she was trashed, and I banged her both times.

Hey, uh, I'm a little tapped.

You got a sawbuck on you?

I usually got to buy her a Danish or something.

All I got is $4.

That'll do it.

I'll see you tomorrow. - Yeah?

Good luck.

Don't need it.

Hey, Linda!

Hi.

What are you broads up to?

[snoring]

[sigh]

[clearing throat]

Artie.

Artie, wake up.

[grunting]

Hey, good morning, Linda.

LINDA SALVO: Artie, I got to tell you.

That was the worst sex I have ever had.

You know, I'm catching shit from everybody lately.

What was wrong with the sex?

You got all out of breath!

I mean, you're like a chubby panda.

And then you finished in 20 seconds

and fell asleep on top of me!

It was fucking horrible!

Jesus Christ, I am so pathetic.

I get drunk, and then I wake up the next to God knows what.

My shrink says that I do it because I think it's

the only way guys will like me.

Be honest with me, Artie.

The only reason you like me is because I fuck you.

Not at all.

I mean, it's awesome.

Come on.

Hey, look.

I really like you.

What do you say?

You want to go out on like a regular date or something?

What, are you serious?

Yeah.

We could go out, grab dinner.

And we don't have to fuck or nothing.

That's very fucking romantic, Artie.

Are you a fucking retard?

Well, you know what they say about retards having huge cocks

and super human strength.

LINDA SALVO: Well, congratulations.

You're definitely not retarded.

Look, what I mean is we could just hang out

and we don't even have to have sex.

Yeah, right.

You're going to come to my house in your nice date clothes

and pick me up with like flowers and candy?

Flowers, maybe.

But every time I buy a chick candy,

somehow it never makes it all the way to their house.

[laughter]

Come on!

What do you say?

All right, Romeo.

It's a date.

Great.

And, uh, since I'm guaranteed no sex

on the date, what do you say you take one for the team

right now, huh?

Artie, I'm going to be late for work.

Come on!

Oh, come on!

An extra 20 seconds ain't going to matter.

Come on, baby.

All right.

But this time, you either got to put a rubber

on or pull out before you come.

Good morning, Artie.

Ready for breakfast?

ARTIE DEVANZO: Uh, sure, Ma.

Hey, this is Linda.

Hello, Linda.

Would you like some breakfast too?

Oh, no thanks.

I'm not hungry.

Can you hand me my jacket, please?

Thank you.

Bye.

Goodbye, Linda.

ARTIE DEVANZO: Take care, Lin.

Hey, Ma.

I'm sorry if you overheard any of that.

- Is that your new girlfriend? - Why?

Do you like her?

I like any girl that likes my Artie.

Ah.

Although clearly she's been around the block,

so I would feel better if you used protection.

Thanks for the advice, Ma. Hey, Ma.

Could you make some gabagool and eggs?

[music playing]

UMPIRE: Safe!

DIRT: Turn it.

Two, two.

ARTIE DEVANZO: Come on!

UMPIRE: Safe.

Shithead!

JOHNNY: Come on.

Not today, asshole.

MICHAEL: Hey, come on! Come on!

Score! Come on, Art!

Come on!

Jesus, Art.

You're the tying run.

No, I'm not.

I'm standing on third.

[coughing]

DIRT: That pile of elephant shit.

- Pop up. - Shit!

Pop up.

You're a retard.

That means your mother must love blowing retards.

Hey, hey, hey.

It's a friendly league, man!

Whoa!

Fat piece of shit.

We're all-- we're all friends here.

Maz, do something.

Play the game.

Get a sense of humor, pal.

I'm impressed, Artie.

This is a really nice place.

Yeah.

That Zagat dude really knows his shit.

Baked girandole.

That's me.

And gnocchi.

That's me too.

Thanks, man. - Enjoy.

ARTIE DEVANZO: Take care.

Thanks.

So where do you work?

Hm, at the A&P in Lyndhurst.

This is so odd.

What is?

I mean, we've already slept together three times, right?

But I mean, we barely know each other.

I know.

It's fucking hot, right?

- No, it's not. - I'm kidding.

I'm kidding.

You work down at the port, right?

I was a longshoreman for nine years,

and then I quit last year.

I haven't had a job in a while.

Why did you quit?

Mainly my dad.

Why did your dad want you to quit?

Well, it wasn't like that exactly.

You see, he, uh-- he died.

Oh. Oh my god.

I'm so sorry.

ARTIE DEVANZO: Thanks.

I mean, uh, he had a heart attack on the job.

He installed cable TV for a living.

I had to watch him spend every waking hour doing a job

that he hated.

I mean, the only time he was happy

was when someone would tip him an extra $20 to hook

up Cinemax illegally or something.

You know, I can see why you quit your job.

See, you didn't want to like spend your life doing something

that you hated just like your father.

You know what?

That sounds great, but the truth is

I'm probably just a lazy prick.

Well, you know, I think you're a cute lazy prick.

Thanks.

But I've been doing all the yapping.

What about you?

You got any stories about your father?

Yeah, I got one.

Once when I was five years old, my dad went out to get ice

cream and he never came back.

You serious?

Mm-hm.

Wow.

I'm really sorry.

Eh, don't be.

Shit happens.

I can't imagine the pain you must

have been in because of that.

But I think I got a way to make you feel better right now.

Oh, yeah?

Waiter!

Order of ice cream for this woman, pronto.

Oh, God.

You're a fucking idiot, Artie.

ARTIE DEVANZO: Wait. Do you know what?

I'm going to have some too.

Waiter, three orders of ice cream.

Come on!

What's up?

Come on, Artie.

Are you ever serious?

- No, and I'll tell you why. - Why?

The only people who get laid less than funny

fat guys are serious fat guys.

I feel sorry for those assholes.

[moaning]

Artie.

Artie, wait.

I thought we weren't going to have sex tonight.

I know!

What are you trying to pull here?

Come on, Artie.

Come on.

This is important to me.

Ah, that's cool.

Although for medical reasons, I will need a hand job.

Artie!

Come on, I'll be quick.

It'll really help me get to sleep.

I can't mess up this car.

It's a lease. - Hey.

I have great aim.

Just let me know where you want it.

Ashtray, floor mat, change cup.

All right.

Listen.

If you're really quick, I'll give you a blow job.

But you've got to be quick.

You kidding me?

I hear you.

When blow jobs go on too long, it's like you chicks

forget guys' dicks get tired.

Stop with the jokes.

I got to be up for work early tomorrow, so concentrate, OK?

I'll be Hugh fucking Downs.

Who the fact is that?

He was the host of Concentration.

Just blow me.

I made tiramisu.

You kids want some?

No, Mom!

Go back inside!

It's in the fridge, you change your mind.

Back inside!

Just go.

Just--

I am so embarrassed right now.

You're embarrassed?

I just got cock blocked by my mom.

[music playing]

DeVanzo.

Landscaping is very strenuous work.

Think you can handle it?

You're not in the best of shape.

I'll give it a shot, but you better give

me the name of your dietitian.

[lawnmower engine]

[music playing]

Oh, oh, oh!

DeVanzo.

DeVanzo, wake up!

You got one house left.

Oh, cool.

All right.

Don't tell me it's this place.

[lawnmower engine]

Hoo.

Hey, DeVanzo!

Hot enough for you?

I think you missed a spot over there.

And another one over there.

[music playing]

Out!

Oh!

[clatter]

Fucking.

Dave, looking good up there.

Hey. Hey, hey.

Don't try to kill it up there, all right?

Just get a nice base hit, we'll start a rally.

Come on, Maz.

A home run ties, and I'm going for it.

Don't be stupid.

No one's hit one out of here since Dave DeLafarre in '89.

Why don't you think I can do it too?

Because he bench pressed 400 pounds,

and you sweat when you eat.

So did Babe Ruth.

DeVanzo Shift, guys.

Hey, Artie.

You guys find a new league to play in yet?

Because one more out, Chubs, we're 5 and 0.

You guys are 0 and 5.

Home run coming up.

That would be impressive after you spent all that energy

mowing my lawn this afternoon.

I'm actually rooting for you.

Here it comes, Tubby.

And here it goes, prick.

[music playing]

[bat hitting ball]

[music fading out]

Yes!

Damn.

DENNIS MANGENELLI: 5 And 0.

5 and 0, baby.

Yeah!

DeVanzo, you shithead.

Why did you hit into that double play?

Makes me wish I were 35 years younger.

I know, so you could kick my ass.

No, because I could kick your ass right now.

But 35 years ago, I could have loaned your parents

the money for an abortion.

[music playing]

[laughter]

I can't believe you can joke around

like this when you're about to get us kicked

out of the softball league.

Maybe I should take up bowling.

Hey, it'd be great to play a sport where there's

always a bar three feet away.

So you can get even more drunk than you do now for softball?

Will you two stop?

We're not out of it yet.

Maz, will you face facts?

We're out of it.

We're not playing softball in this league,

and your daughter is an atrocious dancer.

Fellas, we are not done.

We can still make the playoffs.

All right, look, I admit that technically

we can still make the playoffs.

Now you admit that your daughter's

dancing is a disgrace.

Fuck you, Johnny.

I'm going to kill you.

Go for it.

Maybe growing up with a father in jail

will help her dance with just a hint of passion.

My man.

Got it.

Man, that was a tough loss.

Yeah.

I hate losing to those fucking guidos.

Oh!

Tim, will you watch it with that word?

What, guidos?

Yeah.

Man, y'all call each other that all the time.

Yeah, I know. But it's OK when we say it.

When you say it, it's racist.

All right, Alfonse.

I respect that.

Hm.

Wait a minute.

I don't respect that.

Guidos aren't a race.

You're a bunch of wiggers who dress like the Sopranos.

Thank you.

MICHAEL: No, no.

I appreciate you setting up the bachelor party,

it's just I know you. All right?

No crazy shit.

Promise me?

Absolutely not.

Come on.

What, are you kidding me?

Eight in the corner.

[balls rattling]

Hey, Maz.

I've been meaning to ask you a question.

Uh, I've been seeing this girl Linda now for a little while,

and, I don't know, she's sort of becoming my girlfriend,

and I'll tell you what.

I could see things getting serious.

That's good for you, Art.

Yeah.

But, uh, I'm sort of having this one problem.

Let me guess.

Trying to figure out how to tell her about the herpes?

Oh, no, no. She's got it too.

Congratulations.

You found your soul mate.

Thanks.

But the thing is this, uh, she's what

most guys would, I don't know, charitably call used goods.

Ah, not for nothing, Art, but you're

what most girls would generally call a stinking piece of shit.

No offense.

Oh, I was offended there for a second

but then you said "no offense," so now everything's cool.

Anyway, uh, the other day I was talking to her,

and I was trying to figure out a way to ask her

how many guys she's slept with.

Why would you want to know that?

I don't know.

Why does any guy want to know?

I just want to know.

What I do know is she's been having

sex since she was 15 years old.

So that's 15 years in the league.

Conservatively, she had to put away 25 or 30.

Art, from what you've told me about this girl--

I know. You're right.

She's got to be in triple digits.

Anything less is a lie.

Anything more and I'm going to pull my fucking hair out.

If it's all part of her past, why do you let it bother you?

Huh?

Will you listen to me?

My suggestion, just drop the whole thing.

I don't think I can.

All right, fine.

If you're going to ask her, you got to be prepared to answer

the question yourself.

So what's your number?

Hm, let's see.

I used to be better at keeping track of this.

Uh, 73.

Not counting whores.

Six.

You're right.

I'll drop the whole thing.

[music playing]

So mowing the lawns almost killed me,

but I was making it through the day

and then the last house turned out

to be that prick Mangenelli's.

Oh, no.

And then to top it off, he gets

me to hit into a double play to end the game.

It was just so fucking humiliating.

I'm so sorry, honey.

Let's not talk about that asshole.

You know, to tell you the truth, all this shit

with Mangenelli and us probably getting

kicked out of the softball league,

it's really not bothering me that much.

Why not?

I think it's because of you.

Yeah?

Plus right now this weed is helping out quite a bit.

You know, my shrink says you're really

good for my self-esteem.

Out of all the guys I dated, you're the only one

she said that about.

Hey, let's fuck!

No, Artie.

I don't want to wake your mother up.

Oh, come on.

Don't worry.

My mother went to sleep hours ago.

Artie, I don't know.

Come on.

These walls are completely sound proof.

Oh, yeah?

- Yeah, of course! - Really?

Would I lie to you?

No, you wouldn't lie.

Come on.

You could play drums in this fucking--

you could do the solo from Tom Sawyer in this fucking room.

Who's Tom Sawyer?

It's a Rush song.

It's not important now.

[bed creaking]

ARTIE DEVANZO: All right.

I'm almost there.

Almost there.

Just about there. Almost there.

OK. Not quite yet.

Almost there.

Almost there.

Grab my balls!

Pinch my nipples!

Punch me in the back!

[smack] Harder!

[smack] Harder!

[smack]

That's too hard.

LINDA SALVO: Like this? [smack]

ARTIE DEVANZO: That's it. That's perfect.

LINDA SALVO: Artie, wait.

I-- I think the rubber slipped off.

ARTIE DEVANZO: Sorry.

[groan]

LINDA SALVO: Oh no.

[bat hitting ball]

[game chatter]

Yes!

Come on, Art!

Drive me in and we win it, buddy!

DIRT: Get a hit or I'm going to shove that bat up your ass.

[bat hitting ball]

Yeah!

Woo!

That's a nice tattoo.

I didn't realize there was a Chinese word for "guido."

Hey, actually, this is the Chinese symbol for "fuck you."

You know, this was great tonight, man.

Getting the first win, huh? - Yeah.

It was.

Kind of reminds me how I'm going

to miss playing for this team. - Hey, look.

I'm going to play with my brother's team

out in Parsippany next year.

You want me to see if they need an infielder?

Nah.

Getting to Parsippany's a pain in the ass twice a week.

You got traffic, route 46, gas--

Hey, guys.

It ain't over till it's over, huh?

Hey, Art.

You know I'm not the one to want to give up,

but, uh, we're 1 and 5.

It's pretty over.

Way over.

Hello? OK.

I'll tell him. Hey, Art.

That was Yogi Berra.

He says it's over.

Jerk off.

Look, there's a way to beat Mangenelli's team.

We have to--

I know what you're going to say, Art.

We got to blow up Mangenelli Fitness.

Dave, how are things at home?

Not good, man.

Hm mm.

Hm mm.

I'm holding in a huge piss, so could

you get to the point, shithead?

All right.

We got to practice.

MICHAEL: Aren't you the one who said

that practice was for fags? Yet Yeah.

That's when you wanted to practice.

Look, this is a beer league.

Nobody practices, and that can help us.

I been hitting softballs every day,

and I didn't drink before the game tonight

for like the first time ever.

I could do that for the whole season.

Look, I'm not saying it's going to be easy.

Mangenelli's team is going to win first place

for the regular season.

We're going to have to scratch and claw

and get into second place and them beat

them in the championship game.

But if we start practicing, I think we got a shot.

DIRT: Fellas, I been playing softball for a long time.

This is not the best team I ever played on.

But it ain't the worst either.

So if we were to actually practice every day,

then like shithead says, in this league

we got a shot to win it all.

How about it?

Let's have a toast!

To beating Mangenelli, huh?

Toast my ass.

I got to piss so bad I could drown a horse.

Talk so fucking much.

All right.

That put a damper on the toast.

What do you say we just practice tomorrow?

Salut.

Batting ball to the gindaloon at third.

He's got it.

[clatter]

All right.

We haven't turned a double play in like three years,

so let's get two.

Come on.

What do you say now?

Let's get two!

[bat hitting ball]

No!

[bat hitting ball] DIRT: Hey, good effort.

Way to go, way to go.

Damn.

You assholes know I'm being sarcastic, right?

Come on.

Let's get two.

[bat hitting ball]

Damn.

Try not to spread your legs like a $2 hooker.

[bat hitting ball]

Good, Maz.

When you wait on it like that, you don't

have to lunge for the ball.

All right.

Way to W

Now, Johnny.

I noticed you've been dropping your front shoulder.

Wait, you telling me how to hit?

Please.

I'm batting .687.

That's like telling Ted Williams how to hit.

Oh, really?

I always thought of you as more like a Pete Rose type.

You know, a shitty gambler with bad hair.

[bat hitting ball]

Hey there.

DIRT: Jesus Christ, you're like a bunch of monkeys

trying to screw a football.

[bat hitting ball]

Nice hit, Tim.

Way to be.

Beautiful.

You know, Dave, you might be a leftie.

Yeah.

Let's get two.

Come on!

[bat hitting ball]

What the fuck are you doing?

Jump!

Second base is over there, moron.

Sorry, Johnny.

I--

Jesus Christ.

[bat hitting ball]

That is just awful.

Really?

I thought I hit that pretty good.

Oh, no.

Your hitting's fine.

I'm talking about that disgusting guido pink shirt.

Go home and change it.

Artie, technically this is fuchsia.

Out of my sight!

Go!

I'm going to throw up.

Jesus Christ.

I-- I'm going to see my [italian].

Let's get two.

Up, fellas.

Come on.

[bat hitting ball]

Yeah!

All right!

ARTIE DEVANZO: That's what I'm talking about!

Come on now.

Now do that again and prove it wasn't just luck.

Let's do this!

[bat hitting ball]

Hey!

Quick, get two now. Two.

ARTIE DEVANZO: Come on now!

Yeah!

That's what I'm talking about!

Yeah!

[game chatter]

[music playing]

[game chatter]

ARTIE DEVANZO: Come on, Alfonse!

[bat hitting ball]

TIM: Good guido.

[bat hitting ball]

MAN: Everybody hits!

Run, Artie.

Slow down, asshole.

[bat hitting ball]

One hopper to DeVanzo.

He's got it.

[music playing]

UMPIRE: Out!

Yeah!

[bat hitting ball]

Go to first!

UMPIRE: Out! - Nice, Art.

Way to pick it.

How about it, one time.

How about it?

MAN: Good play!

MAN: Nice!

Don't get cocky, fuck nuts.

All right. Let's go.

And no stick up here.

No stick?

Hey, Crispino, what's your batting average?

Fuck you, Johnny.

Who keeps stats in slow pick softball?

I'm hitting .687.

Thank you.

[bat hitting ball]

MAN: Nice shot!

Strike three!

Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you.

[bat hitting ball]

DAVE: Nice catch!

MAN: Look at you!

[lawnmower engine]

[music playing]

[bat hitting ball]

MAN: What do you say now? Here we go!

ARTIE DEVANZO: Turn it now. Come on.

MICHAEL: Good, Johnny.

UMPIRE: Out!

MAN: 4-6-3, nice.

No carbs.

Lobster, prime rib, those little clams.

Whatever you want. You want to drive?

Yeah.

I don't think so.

What the fuck?

DeVanzo, you motherfucker.

[bat hitting ball]

MAN: Way to rip it, buddy.

Way to rip it.

[game chatter]

10 and 5, baby!

10 and 5!

Woo!

[music playing]

MAN: Step right up and shoot the geek!

100 shots for $5.

Oh my gosh.

Yeah!

This is getting ugly.

[paintball gun shooting]

Nice.

Artie, knock it off.

- Get him in his balls. - OK.

Get his balls.

On these wheels, I bet on mom every single time because I

love my mom, you know.

Aw, that's so cute.

All right.

Come on, mom.

Come on, mom. ARTIE DEVANZO: Come on, mom.

What do you say? LINDA SALVO: Come on, mom!

ARTIE DEVANZO: One time! LINDA SALVO: Oh.

- One time with mom.

Just one time.

Come on, motherfucker mom!

Motherfucker!

Hit mom, motherfucker.

Come on, mom!

Fuck!

Fuck shit cock! Fuck!

Motherfucker.

Let's Let's get away from this crooked fucking game.

[giggling]

LINDA SALVO: It's hard to say because like I

totally believe in God, but I have lots

of problems with the church.

Like I don't think I want to be married in a church

because I would feel like a total hypocrite.

I sort of feel the same way, you know.

I'm not religious at all, but my mother went to Catholic school.

So you know, she would really want

me to get married by a priest.

So I thought of this great compromise.

If I ever get married, it's going

to be by a justice of the peace who is also a child molester.

You are so going to hell for that.

What?

Come on.

MAN: $5, hot shot!

Where you going?

Knock it out.

You know where your mother is?

She's waiting to pick me up. $5, purple monkey!

What's up, slugger?

$5, yours, baby. Purple monkey.

- Here. - Purple monkey man!

All right, Artie. You can do it.

MAN: Purple monkey, man. [smack]

LINDA SALVO: Oh! All right, baby.

That's a good start.

Going to have to settle for a pink bear, man.

Pink bear man.

Come on, baby.

Got nothing.

Nothing.

All right.

Dude.

Ooh, I got the look.

LINDA SALVO: This is going to be the one, all right?

MAN: Purple monkey, cause he ain't going to get it today.

He's losing his hair.

Down on his luck.

Perhaps too fat for his age.

He's with a hot chick who is clearly out of his league.

Forget about it.

I don't even want one of those stupid purple monkeys.

No, on this one I am getting you a prize.

I guarantee it. All right?

OK.

Here, catch, douche!

[smack]

Art!

[music playing]

WOMAN: Marie, you're a beautiful dancer.

Atrocious. Ugh.

- Johnny. - Unwatchable.

- Stop it. - It's awful.

- Lovely. - No.

It's not lovely. Someone's got to tell her.

Sh.

It stinks.

Look, I don't know what Artie has planned

for this bachelor party, OK?

Honey, it's no big deal, all right?

Johnny, you ready?

And I don't want to know.

It's just my father might stop by for a little while.

I know.

And if he does, would you please show some respect?

- Absolutely. - Don't worry about nothing.

I'll bring him back in one piece.

- You see? - Come on.

All right, honey.

I'll see you later.

Whatever.

All right.

Let's go.

[clap]

Gina, relax.

They all have bachelor parties.

It's no big deal.

OK.

Marie, stay away from the street, sweetheart.

Yeah.

Just dance on the lawn.

Marilyn, it's not the bachelor party that I'm worried about,

you know?

It's just I can't relax when I know

he's going out with fuckhead.

Oh, you mean Artie?

GINA: Did you know that at Carol Monteverdi's wedding,

he got drunk and he punched the DJ in the face

because the guy wouldn't play "Rock Me, Amadeus."

Well, we all know he's kind of pathetic.

But I like Artie, and I don't think he's

quite so obnoxious anymore.

The 2-2 pitch to Birkenstock.

[cheers] - Shot down the line.

He may have a-- it's got the foul pole.

Home run.

Nice shot.

[music playing]

Whoa!

[music playing]

[sniffing]

Ed, no!

Coach, what the fuck?

And the crowd's going crazy here at Busch Stadium.

[laughter]

And DeVanzo's looking to lace one back through the hole.

Whoa!

Oh, a little chit music, and he may charge the mound.

It's OK.

It's cool.

If I have to, I'll start the fucking rag.

Throw him that spinner, honey.

Come on, Maz. Take it.

Look alive.

[smack]

You got to have that.

Wait it-- you almost fucked us up over here.

Dude, you got to catch that.

I'm not catching that shit.

[laughter]

Whoa!

This is going to be a good one.

[smack]

King La Cock!

Salut.

Salut.

Let's have a little more.

You're trying to kill me here.

Come on, one more.

I don't know.

Whoa!

[smack]

Ow!

[music playing]

Cops.

Shit.

What the fuck is going on in here?

Everybody freeze.

[smack]

MICHAEL: Hey.

You son of a bitch.

Hey, look out.

Hey, relax, guys.

Hey!

This is my cousin Mickey.

He's a Boston cop.

Funny.

Scared the shit out all you Derek Jeter

loving motherfuckers, didn't I?

Fucker. Hey, man.

Have a drink. Have some fun.

- Yeah, sure, Maz. - Thanks for coming.

Hey, black guy.

Hook me up with some coke, will you?

Woo.

Want a slice there, pitching machine?

No.

I don't eat dairy.

The pitching machine doesn't eat dairy.

Got a lot of rules.

Fuck you before you take any money out my pocket.

Fuck you, bitch.

I saw him first.

You're the one taking money out of my pocket.

Come on, ladies.

Neither of you even have pockets.

Honey, your prices are outrageous.

I remember when a man could get his clock cleaned for $5.

Well, I'll clean your clock for $5,

but a blow job is still $50.

Let me call my wife.

Hey, there he is.

Dennis.

How you feeling?

What, did you come in a convertible?

- Ah, don't be jealous. - Get a drink.

All right.

Have a good time.

It's your last chance.

Hey, Ed.

What is this elect Zinna bullshit, huh?

Fucking bitch.

What happened to you?

While I was getting a blow job,

the other whore punched my whore in the mouth.

You better ice that shit, money.

[grunt]

[laughter]

Thanks so much for putting this together.

I'm having a fucking great time.

Ah, don't worry about it, brother.

Hey, listen.

Mangenelli just showed up.

ARTIE DEVANZO: Yeah, I saw him.

No fighting, please.

I promise.

Listen, Maz, I'm in a very different place right now.

I really don't care about Mangenelli.

- That's what I want to hear. - All right?

That's great.

OK, now, all whores front and center,

time to rate the bachelor!

Come on!

I'm not doing it.

I'm not doing it.

Tough shit.

You're doing it.

Have at him, ladies.

I'm drawing the line, Artie.

You motherfucker.

No.

Please.

Maz is getting his pipes cleaned.

Hang in there, Maz.

Christ, here we go.

Artie. Artie.

Artie.

Hey, I'm a little busy right now.

I thought you said you're not going to do coke any more.

Bachelor parties don't count.

Asshole.

It's Gina's father.

MICHAEL: I would rather not be naked in front of my friends

right now. - Oh, shit.

He looks pissed.

I was hoping he'd be cool.

You know, like your father was at your bachelor party.

Yeah.

He was the best.

I can't believe I walked in on him getting a hummer.

What?

Nothing.

Hey, this dude looks like he's going to freak out.

I better go talk to him.

MICHAEL: I'm supposed to go to confession next week.

[sniffing]

Cheap shit.

MICHAEL: I don't know if you guys know this,

but I'm getting married very soon.

Hello, sir.

MICHAEL: OK, no.

Please.

I have a-- I have a child.

I have a five-year-old.

Boy, Maz has a big cock.

I'm going to kill you!

He's got no respect for his elders.

[grunting]

[commotion]

[music playing]

Hey.

Thanks for letting me do bumps with you.

You want that blow job now?

Nah, I'm good.

Oh.

Well, that's a first.

She must be pretty special.

Yeah, she is.

Bye.

Take care.

Oh, Art.

Maz is pissing all over himself behind the bar.

Well, it's not a bachelor party unless somebody

pisses his pants.

Actually, he managed to get it out of his pants.

Look, Maz.

I know I owe you for that time you helped me

out when I shit my pants at Mardi Gras,

but now we're even, man.

Whoa!

How much did you drink, motherfucker?

Jesus Christ, Maz!

Maz!

MICHAEL: Change.

All right.

It looks like the well's running dry finally.

Now, if you could just get your dick back

into your pants on your own, everything

will be fine, all right, man?

Hey DeVanzo.

I know why you're here, but I'm not letting you blow Maz.

Of course not.

That's your job, you [inaudible].

In case you haven't noticed, the party's over.

Get out. - All right.

I'm going.

Say hi to Linda for me.

What?

DENNIS MANGENELLI: Linda Salvo, your girlfriend.

She didn't tell you she used to go to my gym?

No.

DENNIS MANGENELLI: Oh, yeah.

Cute girl.

She earned quite a few free membership months in my office,

if you know what I mean.

Anyway, say hi to her for me.

[music playing]

[rain falling]

[music playing]

[thunder rumbling]

[music playing]

[grunt]

[clatter]

[car alarm]

[rain falling]

Hey, honey.

Look like you haven't slept a wink.

I taped the Yankee game for you.

Thanks.

So were you naughty at the bachelor party?

Actually, I wasn't.

Oh.

Linda, uh, I have something important I want to ask you.

Oh, really?

What is it?

Did you fuck Mangenelli?

Oh, Artie.

Just answer the question please.

Look, I don't want to talk about this, OK?

It's just-- no matter what you think, it's not important.

Could you just answer the fucking question, please?

All right.

The answer is yes.

How could you?

Artie, it was over two years ago.

Right, and I had to hear about it from him!

Why couldn't you tell me yourself?

How could I?

You're completely consumed with this guy.

You're finally just starting to get over it.

Look, I don't think about this jerk,

and I don't want you to think about him either, all right?

I just want us to be happy, like we are.

Come on.

This is too fucked up.

I don't think I can handle it.

What do you mean, you don't think you can handle it?

You-- what, you want to break up over this?

You know what?

Yeah, I do.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Over something that happened years before I met you?

You feel bad, so now you want to make me feel bad too, right?

God, you're just-- you're not a man.

You're a fucking little bitch.

God, you're fucking unbelievable.

I could fucking kill you, you damn Yankee suck

ass nasty loser ass--

take your stinking loser jersey too, fat fuck!

Fucking asshole.

Can I get some more fries here, Rhonda?

You know, women who date fat guys

are often mentally unstable.

Oh?

Yeah, it's true.

They call 'em chubby chasers.

Rhonda, I'm still here.

One order of fries coming up.

[ball rattling]

Asshole!

Asshole!

Asshole!

JOHNNY: I'm telling you, this chick is good for Art.

I got my own problems.

KID: Thanks for the free bat, asshole.

Hey, Art.

You know what?

You can't-- you can't hold this on this chick now.

I mean, I know it's a pain in the ass to deal with--

I can't deal with it.

It's over.

This the first chick you've ever been serious about.

Come on, you finally met a broad doesn't care

about your drinking or the fact that you're 35 years old

and you still live with your mom.

And she doesn't mind that a man of your weight

should be about six foot two.

Plus you factor in the herpes thing and then--

Asshole.

Enough.

Me and her are through.

So now who are you going to take to my wedding?

If there is one.

What do you mean, if there still is one?

MICHAEL: You know, Art, I asked you not to let things get

crazy at the bachelor party.

Now I got to be worried, you know?

I-- I'm afraid Gina's father is going

to tell her what went on there.

No, he's not.

Yeah, how do you know?

He is not going to break the bachelor party code.

No man tells a woman what goes on at a bachelor party.

So what happened in Michael's bachelor party?

Nothing.

So what went on at Maz's bachelor party?

Nothing.

So what went on at the bachelor party?

Nothing, baby.

We've been married for 43 years,

and you still won't tell me what goes on at one bachelor party?

Fuck off.

No, I'm going to be honest with Gina.

I'll feel better if I just tell her what happened.

ARTIE DEVANZO: Are you fucking insane?

No, no, no, asshole.

Every once in a while, some moronic pussy

does spill the beans and it's always a disaster.

Melissa, forgive me!

Please don't go!

I'll die without you!

Get away from me, you whore lover.

You said you watch porno so you wouldn't

have to do things like that.

Look, I wish I hadn't done it, but-- but I'm injured

here and it feels like it's going to fall off.

Well, if it doesn't give me a call and I'll come back

and I'll cut it off.

[baby crying]

- Cut what off, Mommy? - I know, I know.

Oh, look. Here he comes.

Here we go.

It's a perfect day for softball here at the stadium.

55,000 on hand for Johnny Trinno bottle head day here.

I mean, it's a great day for the kids.

All fans 16 and under will get one.

And can Johnny go for the .700 batting average?

Do you ever shut the fuck up?

No, I don't.

.698.

MARILYN: Yay!

Nice one, baby!

Go, Johnny!

Oh, would you look at Artie?

You know, he really thinks who he is.

Fucking best man at my wedding, and he-- he better behave.

Gina, you've got to stop.

Stop worrying.

Marilyn, stop worrying?

Yeah.

Did you know that at Donna Delvecio's wedding,

he pissed in the centerpieces and got the priest high?

Oh.

OK.

[bat hitting ball]

Way to go, fuckhead.

[cheers]

[music playing]

Way to go, Artie.

I knew you could do it, pal.

ARTIE DEVANZO: So back during college basketball season,

my buddy Shecky tells me he's got this system.

He says it's an absolute lock when you

have this combination, right?

Big east team on the road, give them

less than six points with a white point guard, all right?

So I bet St. John's against Duke, and I lose big.

I mean, really big, right?

So I said to Shecky.

I go, look, man.

The only time a white point guard is a good thing

is when your sister tells you she's dating a point guard.

[laughter]

Hey, Tim.

I didn't see you there, man.

That was a funny joke, man.

You like that joke?

Yeah.

What's not to like about it?

It's about how you guys suck at basketball

and how good we fuck your women.

[laughter]

I never thought about it like that.

We got a better line up than they got.

Totally.

[chatter]

Hey, guys! MARILYN: Hey!

JOHNNY: Hands up, Art.

How you doing? MICHAEL: Hey, Art.

Listen to this.

Corrino Auto Body lost to Moochy Gras Overhead Door.

So now we're tied for second with Corrino.

Hey, and our last game is against Corrino!

JOHNNY: That's right.

It's going to come down to the last day here.

Does Ed's Bar and Swill win the right

to face Mangenelli in the championship and save the team?

Or perhaps even more dramatic, does

Joltin' Johnny Trinno bat .700?

Asshole.

Will you forget about your batting average for one second?

We've got to beat that prick Mangenelli.

Artie.

What exactly do you have against my cousin?

Oh, well, number one, he's a prick.

Number two, he's a cock.

Number three, he's a dick.

Well, congratulations.

You know three different words for penis.

Four, now that you taught me penis.

All right, guys. Relax, OK?

Does anybody need a drink? - Everybody be nice.

All right. Let's change the subject.

Artie, are you bringing Linda to the wedding, or are--

are you guys still broken up?

Nah, we're broken up for good.

You know, Gina actually offered to set you up with one

of her cousins, you know.

Hey, great!

I heard your cousin Mangenelli gives a mean blow job.

You know what, Artie?

Here, sit on this and rotate.

Gina, your flirting is making everyone at the table

uncomfortable. - All right.

Come on, Art. Take it down a notch.

She's just trying to help you.

Hey!

I am not some loser who can't get a--

wait, you're not talking about your cousin

Tracy with the tits? No No.

Tracy's married now, thank you.

Hey, I am not some loser who can't get a date!

I'm doing just fine on my own.

Hello.

Is Karen Deaver there?

Karen?

It's Artie DeVanzo!

Yeah, Artie, from Union High.

That's right.

We haven't spoken since I took you to the prom.

Oh, that's right.

I did call you from jail after.

Well, listen.

I was just sitting in the, uh, office here,

and, uh, I was wondering, do you remember my friend Maz?

Yeah.

Well, he's getting married this weekend,

and I was wondering if you wanted to go with me.

Yeah.

I was remembering all the fun times we used to have.

What do you mean, what fun?

By my count, we banged at least 26 times.

Hello?

No kidding, Gigi.

You're strictly into chicks now, wow.

Hey, uh, did I have something to do with that?

Oh, I did?

So then you got divorced from that guy too?

Boy, Brenda, you really know how to pick 'em.

Ah, I'm just teasing you.

Yeah, yeah.

Thanks.

It's really great to talk to you too.

I'm so glad that nerd at the library

taught me how to Google.

Listen, let me tell you why I'm calling.

I-- you know already, really?

Oh, right.

I did tell you I'd pay it back that $200 I borrowed from you

no matter how long it took.

[beep]

[glass breaking]

[phone ringing]

LINDA SALVO (RECORDING): Hi, this is Linda.

I can't come to the phone right now,

so please leave me a message.

[beep]

Hey, it's Artie.

Uh, I know we haven't talked in a while,

so this is kind of awkward.

But, um, look, everything was my fault. I know.

I get crazy sometimes.

You know, and-- well, I don't know.

Listen, I'm going to stop talking into your machine

before this gets embarrassing.

Give me a call if you get a chance.

But, uh, I miss you.

I miss you a lot.

Bye.

[beep]

So you going to call him?

I don't know.

I mean, I still really care about Artie,

but he really hurt me.

Either way, keep this quiet, because it was a big mistake.

Why?

Because I'm black?

No, because you're fucking married.

Right.

My bad.

[game chatter]

Nice and easy. Nice and easy.

Just read the ball.

Come on, Dave.

[game chatter]

Strike three!

Oh my god, I can't wait to go home and get high.

Holy sh--

Some of the greats strike out, Dave.

That's right.

Striking out in slow pitch softball

is nothing to be ashamed of.

MAN: Come on, Johnny. Here we go.

All right, Johnny. All right, Johnny.

It's all you, baby. Bring me in!

Two outs here in last inning with the winning run on second.

I mean, who would you want up more than Johnny Trinno?

It's been a magical year for Johnny

as he comes into the last game with a .699 average.

All right, come on.

It's getting dark.

Yeah, Trinno's star shines as bright as ever.

[bat hitting ball]

- Yes! - Come on, Maz!

Go!

And screw your slide! Let's go!

Come on! Slide!

Slide!

You're sliding!

Head first slide!

Head first slide!

Ah, shit.

What did you slide for?

They didn't even throw the ball.

[laughter]

Why the hell you tell me to slide?

I was just fucking with you.

We're in the championship!

[cheers]

[music playing]

Listen, Johnny.

I don't have a date for the wedding yet.

JOHNNY (ON PHONE): What?

I thought you took care of that.

The wedding's this afternoon!

I know.

I struck out all over the place.

Hey, do you think Marilyn could get one of her friends

to go with me last minute?

JOHNNY (ON PHONE): Look, Art.

Marilyn's female friends are all lawyers

and bankers and executives.

So what are you saying, that they're too good for me?

JOHNNY (ON PHONE): No, no.

I was trying to let the silence say it for me.

Artie, look.

Even if Marilyn could help you, it's too late.

Nobody cares if you have a date.

Just come by yourself.

I can't do that, Johnny.

That's all right, man.

I still got one chick left I could call.

[church bells]

[music playing]

It's almost time to get started.

Where the hell is Artie?

I just called the house.

His mom said some girl came and picked him up.

What? I don't believe this shit.

Look, Johnny.

If this scumbag isn't here in five minutes,

we start without him.

You step in as best man.

Yes, sir.

[car engine]

That's so sad, that you and your girlfriend broke up!

You're such a sweetie.

Here, you want a bump to cheer you up?

No, that's all right.

Maybe later.

You know you just blew through a stop sign, right?

Who are you to talk, silly?

You don't even have a driver's license.

Well, at least we're making good time.

All right, the church is like two minutes from here.

So just go straight, but slow down.

Slow down!

Slow-- Pitching Machine, look out!

[car horns]

[tires squealing]

I saved us!

Yeah, you're a real hero.

Come on, let's go. - Wait.

Let me powder my nose.

[sniffing]

[siren]

Oh, fuck me.

[siren]

POLICE OFFICER: Hey, DeVanzo.

You're free to go.

Hey, what time is it?

POLICE OFFICER: It's 5:00 AM.

Shit.

Look, I know I messed up.

MICHAEL: Messed up. ARTIE DEVANZO: All right.

Screwed up. Fucked up.

I really am sorry. MICHAEL: Stop, all right?

Don't even-- we've been friends for 30 years.

You're my best man.

How could you miss my wedding?

What the hell's the matter with you?

Man, I'm sorry.

Well, I'm not.

At least the fucking Pitching Machine

didn't end up at my wedding.

Look, I don't know how many times I have to say this,

but I really am sorry.

You know, those words, they have no meaning

coming from you, all right?

They're shit.

I've had enough of your "I'm sorrys" to last my lifetime.

I'm sorry I missed your wedding.

I'm sorry I started that fight with Mangenelli.

Oh yeah, I'm sorry I got drunk and stole

your dad's ice cream truck. I mean, I could go on.

Hey, wait.

The ice cream truck thing, I was 12 years old.

Yeah, and you haven't changed a bit!

You selfish prick, you even managed

to make my wedding about you.

Look, obviously you don't want to be around me,

and I don't blame you!

I'm going to quit the team.

Team? What team?

We're going to lose the championship

and then the team's over because of you,

so don't go fucking talking to me about the team, all right?

[bang] - Whoa!

- What the fuck? - What the-- hey, it's Dirt!

Dirt!

ARTIE DEVANZO: Oh, man. Hurry up.

Call an ambulance. - Hey, Dirt.

- Hey, Dirt. - Hey, hey.

We need an ambulance here at Tamblin Field.

Oh, shit.

Dirt.

Hang on, we're getting help.

[music playing]

I can't believe he really did it.

He always said that's what he wanted.

I want to go out just like that.

JOHNNY: Gentlemen, later today we're

playing for the championship and for the survival of Ed's

Bar and Swill softball team.

But right now I want to do a toast to a fallen friend

and teammate, Dirt.

The greatest softball pitcher of all time.

To Dirt.

- Dirt. - Dirt.

Dirt.

Hey, Ed.

What do you say, huh?

Set up some more.

To be honest, if Dirt hadn't died, I--

I wouldn't even be talking to you right now.

But I still don't want our friendship to end, all right?

ARTIE DEVANZO: Me neither, man.

Look, Maz.

This ain't a good excuse, but I just

couldn't show up to your wedding in front of fucking

Mangenelli without a date.

It would have been too humiliating

after that thing with Linda.

Artie, you let that prick get to you.

That's what fucks everything up.

That's when you become the asshole.

You know, I want to beat him in softball too.

But it ends there, man.

You can't let that guy ruin your whole freaking life.

I know. I know.

You're right, man.

You're right.

I mean, you got to let it go.

And if he doesn't, you should.

Fuck it.

I am just going to let it go.

I'm done worrying about Dennis Mangenelli.

All right.

Thanks for talking to me like this, man.

You do the same thing for me, you know?

No, I would've went behind your back telling

everyone what a dick you were.

JOHNNY: Hey, lovebirds.

Sorry to interrupt your little date over there,

but we're toasting Dirt.

Your shots are accumulating.

All right, all right. We're coming.

Not too much drinking.

We've got a championship game, two tours.

I know.

Let's just drink one toast to Dirt.

To the greatest rock and roll band of all time,

Molly Hatchet!

Fucking ain't right.

Watch.

I'm going to place this perfectly.

[glasses clattering]

[laughter]

Asshole.

Hey, Ed.

Another round of tequila.

You guys finished all my tequila.

Dave drank the last bottle by himself.

Last night, I had a dream that I killed

every single one of you guys.

JOHNNY: Relax Dave.

Hey, easy, Dave.

Huh?

Come on.

Hey, what time is it?

MICHAEL: Holy shit. It's almost game time.

We got to go.

Everybody's got their bats and gloves in the trunk, right?

Yeah.

Yeah, just got to go home and get my uniform.

Yeah, me too.

ARTIE DEVANZO: We ain't got time.

If we're two seconds late, Mangenelli's

going to call for a forfeit.

We got to go straight to the field.

One more drink, and then we'll go.

No, no, no.

We got to leave right now.

Come on.

You're riding with me, Art?

Thanks, man.

Let's go, everybody.

Let's go.

Whoa.

I can't let nine guys drive out of here drunk.

Well, I'm running with Maz, so it's really just eight.

Come on.

I'm fine.

We do it every weekend.

I can't let you guys drive out of here all shimmed up.

Well, then you have to drive all of us.

[chatter]

MICHAEL: Both my legs are asleep.

ARTIE DEVANZO: Both my balls are asleep.

MICHAEL: I don't want to hear about your balls.

Mother Mary, full of grace--

JOHNNY: Don't pray like that, all right?

God hates guidos.

Oh, shit.

It looks like the circus with all the clowns

coming out of the car.

ARTIE DEVANZO: Where's Dave?

Did we forget Dave?

MAN: Anybody bring any weed?

Left mine at the funeral home.

Play ball.

Oh, Christ.

I may fucking die out here.

JOHNNY: Fucked up, bro.

Bourbon and tequila?

MICHAEL: Come on, Art. ARTIE DEVANZO: All right.

Let's look intelligent.

Look alive.

MAN: Get ready to lose.

ARTIE DEVANZO: And here comes DeVanzo.

He is a sandy haired, slender thighed,

long legged, big, beautiful young man.

With excellent bone structure.

The pussy he must get on the road.

DENNIS MANGENELLI: Hey, look.

Drunk rookie picture on the mound.

We're going to destroy you.

You've never even pitched before.

Nah, but if you could do it, it can't be that hard, bro.

Come on.

DeVanzo wheels, deals, rocks, kicks the offering.

[clank]

[laughter]

What the fuck are we doing here?

You have done this before, haven't you?

ARTIE DEVANZO: Shut up.

I'm still going to strike you out.

MICHAEL: Art!

Art, don't let him get to you.

[clank] MAN: Nice.

Nice.

MAN: Beautiful.

MAN: Now you're getting close.

[thump]

Ball four.

Take your base.

Yeah, I got a feeling you'll be saying that a lot today.

MAN: Come on, Art.

Shit.

It's going to be a long game, bro.

Don't worry, don't worry. He'll settle in.

Hey, Art.

Come on, Art! - Come on, Artie.

Focus.

Come on.

[music playing]

[bat hitting ball] - Yeah, double play!

Yeah! Come on, John!

Get it!

Get it!

Shit!

Shit!

[bat hitting ball]

This is the longest day of your life, Artie.

[bat hitting ball]

[music playing]

MAN: Run, run.

[bat hitting ball]

[music playing]

Hold!

Hold!

MAN: Run, Davis!

Run!

[vomiting]

[music playing]

Oh, god.

Man.

I'm good.

[vomiting]

MAN: Come on, Dennis.

You're out!

Yeah!

And who's got a Percocet?

[bat hitting ball] - All right.

Here we go. Hey!

Candy corn!

Candy corn!

That's me right now.

[music playing]

You're out.

Ball five rule.

MAN: Come on, Bobby.

Base hit.

[bat hitting balls]

God, I'm glad Dirt ain't around to see this.

You're out.

You're out.

Out.

Thought the tank was empty.

They keep doing this to themselves.

I know. Here you go.

Here you go, guys. Coffee.

Thanks a lot.

- Gee, we needed this. - Yeah.

Coffee.

Hi, babe.

Here you go. All right?

Hm.

Smell like booze.

- Ah, gets you hot, though. - Actually, it does.

Thanks for the coffee.

10 nothing, they're killing us.

Last at bat.

I'm sorry.

Hey, Gina.

Hey, Artie.

I'm really sorry about missing your wedding.

Oh, listen. Don't worry about it.

You not showing up was the best gift I got.

The only disaster was Johnny's toast.

What?

He said it went great.

JOHNNY: So to recap, throughout it

all there's been a lot of laughter and a few tears.

But in the end, the clouds parted, the sun shined down,

and the good Lord himself decided it was meant to be.

And that's how I finished the regular season batting .706.

Salut.

[game chatter]

Out.

ARTIE DEVANZO: Damn.

Now I'm burping tequila and coffee.

Two away.

DeVanzo shift.

What, you down 10 to nothing and you're

going to make your team's last out ever.

How's that feel, alcoholic?

Hurry up and pitch, asshole.

I'm losing my buzz.

MAN: What do you say, buddy?

What do you say?

What do you say?

LINDA SALVO: Hey, Artie!

What?

Come here.

Oh.

Hey, Linda.

Hey, sweetie.

How's it going?

What's up?

Artie, you're a fucking jerk.

I know.

Unfortunately, that seems to be my go-to move.

But I really miss you.

I miss you too!

You want to talk after the game?

Let's talk now and make these jerk offs wait.

Hey, Linda.

I'll meet you in my office at the gym after the game.

Shut the fuck up, needle dick, and thanks for the herpes.

[laughter]

Ball bag.

What an asshole.

Complete asshole.

MAN: Jerk off.

This town is 98% skanks.

That's my girl.

Let's go.

Batter up!

I'll see you after the game, all right?

OK.

Bye.

[chatter]

Classy broad you got there, bro.

Thanks, needle dick.

MAN: Put it over, Dennis.

He can't hit it.

Let's go. MAN: Here we go.

Here we go. [bat hitting ball]

MAN: No.

Get out.

Get out.

[cheers]

[music playing]

[cheers]

Hell of a shot, bro.

Fucking motherfucker.

Prick fucking bastard.

Nice shot, Artie.

Hey, you assholes knock that off

or I'm revoking your gym membership.

[music playing]

[cheers]

Tremendous shot.

Holy shit.

At least you got some revenge on that prick Mangenelli,

even if we're not going to win.

What the fuck are you talking about?

We're going to win! JOHNNY: Come on, Art.

It's 10 to 1. We're down to our last out.

ARTIE DEVANZO: I don't give a fuck.

Anyone who thinks we're going to lose can go home right now.

Hey, calm down, will you?

Hey, would Dirt calm down if he were here?

No!

After my homer, he would have thrown a bat at my head

for not running around the bases harder.

Now, this is the last inning.

Let's get some runs and take that fucking trophy!

[cheers]

[music playing]

[bat hitting ball]

ARTIE DEVANZO: Nice!

Nice one, Maz!

Run you motherfucker!

[music playing]

[cheers]

ARTIE DEVANZO: Come on, Dave.

What do you say?

MICHAEL: Come on, Dave.

Let's go.

[bat hitting ball]

ARTIE DEVANZO: Yeah!

Oh, shit!

Holy shit.

Dave got a hit.

Holy living Christ.

[music playing]

Fucking shot.

MICHAEL: Come on, Albert!

[bat hitting ball]

[cheers]

DENNIS MANGENELLI: Holy shit.

Christ fuck.

Fuck.

Now we're looking like a team!

Yeah!

Woo!

ARTIE DEVANZO: Stay on the bag, Dave.

Come on, guys. Keep going!

Let's go.

Come on.

[bat hitting ball]

ARTIE DEVANZO: Nice swing!

Run!

Run, Dave! Come on!

It's a gapper!

It's a gapper!

Come on!

[bat hitting ball]

Oh, shit.

Asshole.

Yes!

Get me a beer, somebody.

Come on.

Yeah!

Yeah!

Hm!

Hm!

ARTIE DEVANZO: What do you say, Dave?

Like a gazelle, buddy.

Like a gazelle running out there.

What do you say, Alfonse?

Come on, one time!

We need you, buddy!

[bat hitting ball]

Nice, Alfonse!

Run!

Run, you sweaty guido!

Run!

Come on!

Yeah!

[cheers]

Tim, get out there. Come on.

We need you, buddy.

Run, run.

Do this, you sweaty guy.

[bat hitting ball] Sweet!

Sweet!

Run!

Run, you crazy motherfucker.

Run!

Come on!

Way to go.

Woo!

One time, Johnny boy.

Hey, Mangenelli.

You looking good, shit nuts.

We're rocking you, you pansy ass.

It's so unfair.

It's like pitching to a healthy Lou Gehrig.

[bat hitting ball]

ARTIE DEVANZO: Yeah!

Fuck.

[cheers]

Let's go!

Get it in here!

[cheers]

DeVanzo Shift.

We're one out away from the championship.

Force at any base.

One more bum and they're done.

You pricks stay awake out there, God damn it.

All right.

Don't worry about the shift, Art.

We're down 10-6.

Just pull it over the wall, we tie it up!

Let's go! - Come on, Artie.

Give it a ride, brother. Come on.

Come on, big stick up there, Artie.

Let's go.

You can beat this guy.

He fucking blows.

Your attention, please, ladies and gentlemen.

Now pitching for Mangenelli, number 1, Needle Dick.

Number 1. - Yeah, all right.

Needle Dick.

Shut the fuck up.

Your luck's run out, DeVanzo.

This is your last at bat in this league forever.

I'm going to have to remodel a window

in my gym to fit that fifth trophy, but fuck it, right?

For the last time, you are not getting that trophy.

Come on.

Hit it out, baby!

Come on.

Hit it out, fuckhead!

Prepare to continue your lifetime losing streak,

jerk off. - Bring it on.

MAN: Let's go, Art.

[game chatter]

[music playing]

[bat hitting ball]

[cheers]

[game chatter]

Get the fucking ball!

[cheers]

Artie, run!

Run!

DENNIS MANGENELLI: Come on!

Throw it!

Home!

Home!

MAN: Come on, Artie!

Fuck!

Shit.

Get it.

Score, Artie!

Score!

You're gonna score!

[shouting encouragement]

[music playing]

You're out!

[groans]

Oh, shit.

[cheers]

You all right?

Huh?

Yeah, I'm all right.

It was a hell of a game.

Good hustle.

It was great.

Hey, guys.

This can't be our last game.

Let's go play in Parsippany next year.

- I'm in.

Me too, man.

Let's do it, huh?

Art?

You know what, fuck it. You're right.

We got to play again next year. I'm in.

I'm in.

Let's go get drunk.

That sounds great, but there's one thing I've got to do first.

Hey, Linda!

Pull the car around.

LINDA SALVO: OK, Artie.

[vomiting]

Oh my dear lord.

[cheers]

Get the photographer over here!

Take a picture of the champs.

Yeah, let's get a photographer!

Get that fat fuck!

Artie, what the fuck are you doing?

[laughing]

You're dead this time.

We'll have that piece of shit killed.

- OK, OK. - Go!

OK!

See you at the gym, fellas!

DENNIS MANGENELLI: Come back here, you fucking loser!

Wow, that was the greatest asshole move ever.

Absolutely.

God help DeVanzo when I get my hands on him.

Hey!

Hey, kid!

What the hell do you think you're doing?

Just updating your photo, Mayor Herpes.

[laughter]

Oh, shit.

DENNIS MANGENELLI: Get back here, you little brat.

KID: Help!

This maniac's trying to give me fucking herpes.

DENNIS MANGENELLI: Come here, you wise ass!

KID: [laughing]

ARTIE DEVANZO: I told that prick he wasn't getting that trophy.

LINDA SALVO: You are such a pisser, Artie.

What are you going to do with that crazy thing?

ARTIE DEVANZO: Hey, you know what?

Drive over to Mangenelli's gym.

I'll put a note on the trophy saying I'm sorry,

and then I'll throw it through his front fucking window.

LINDA SALVO: Oh, god, Artie.

Please don't do that.

ARTIE DEVANZO: I was just kidding.

Hey, let's point it north and go down the shore

and get cheese steaks.

LINDA SALVO: Count me in.

ARTIE DEVANZO: All right.

MAN (SINGING): I took a car.

I drove it far.

I dug the quality of steel.

I passed my nerve.

I made it swerve.

I made it.

That was no big deal.

I tasted blood.

The deed was done.

And now I--

Excuse me. Hi.

sorry.

Do you know what time it is?

- Do you know what time it is? - Oh.

I guess I do. - Yeah.

Oh.

Oh, wow.

Those are really pretty colorful shoes you have there.

And they show off your colorful nails.

Thanks.

Um, hey.

Do you like music?

Who doesn't like music?

That's true.

Do you like rock music?

I could take it or leave it.

Because my friend's band, I know

the guitarist from the band, and they're playing

later and they're--

I think I can get one of us on the guest list.

Then we could like split the other ticket or something.

Hey, beat it, dirt bag.

Get lost.

Did you want to go?

What the fuck?

Get lost!

Jesus.

Jesus Christ.

The guys-- I'm gone for like two minutes,

and they're like vultures. - Two minutes?

You were gone for like 20 minutes.

The line at the cheese steak place was like an hour long.

I'm sorry.

You want a bite? - Oh--

Have a bite.

Come on.

All right.

What do you say now?

Batter to DeVanzo at first.

He's got it.

Up with it.

Here.

Now I'm here. Here.

Here. Two.

Deuce.

One time.

Ha!

That's nothing but fun right there.

He's got it!

Ah!

One time now.

Established here.

Clear, here.

Clear Current Two.

Ah!

Ha!

Ha!

Ha!

Fired in there!

Fire it!

One time.

Look alert there, two.

Establishment here.

Here.

There now!

[music playing]

[laughter]

Bitch.

It's too hard.

Complete jerk off.

I want to be honest with her.

I want to be honest-- be honest with my wife.

Shut the fuck up.

It's fucking stupid.

This Danish is stale.

You know, the happiest day of my life

is going to be when you finally have a kid.

That means I got laid at least once.

[music playing]

Laying down a bunt, it's like holding your dick

and putting it in, OK?

Softly.

Hey, Ma!

Do we have any Fluffernutter?

Ma!

MOTHER: I'm cooking!

Fluffernutters See if we have any Fluffernutter-- fuck.

She's losing her hearing.

I'm worried about her health.

[coughing]

You know, the happiest--

"Happy Days." You were on "Happy Days?"

Yes, I was. I'm Chachi.

OK.

Line.

A priest and a rabbi--

Ah.

A--

No, no, no.

La, la, la, la.

Do you have a-- what are you doing?

- What's this line? - Not a tip pip.

Oh, is that the line?

I have no idea.

That's the Jersey City salute, huh?

That's the Jersey City salute for Mangenelli, sweetheart!

You shit nuts.

[music playing]