Original subtitles

Number five is number one.

Number seven is number two. Number three and number four are tied for number

three. What are you talking about?

I'm ranking my favorite Fast and the Furious movies.

You said you wanted to know who I am, and this is the best way to get to know

me. No, it isn't. You could tell me your real name, for starters.

My name is Jason Mendoza.

I'm from Florida, and I'm a professional amateur DJ.

I showed up here, and Michael thought I was a Buddhist monk from Taiwan.

I was scared, dog, but then I remembered my parole officer's advice.

Keep your mouth shut, or they'll throw a book at you.

And is that a family member?

I wish.

That's Ariana Grande, the sexiest woman alive.

You wish that you were related to a woman you want to have sex with.

You know, it'd be one thing if you just weren't a Buddhist monk, but you're

barely even a regular functioning person.

How did you get here?

I don't know, but please, dog, you can't tell Michael about me. You have some

nerve asking me for favors when you have spent weeks deceiving me, making a fool

out of me, and bringing snack food into my house.

Disgusting.

Oh, Ariana, we're really in it now.

Sean, the judge, could show up at any moment, so we need to have a rock-solid

argument for why fake Eleanor should not be sent to the bad place.

Should be fun. That's the spirit.

Don't even think about the fact that our slightest misstep could cause fake

Eleanor to suffer for eternity.

It's all I'm thinking about now.

Yep, shouldn't have said that.

Regretted it immediately.

Bama John was a human rights advocate, so he and real Eleanor will build a sort

of legal argument.

Um, could you please just say Eleanor?

and maybe point to whichever one of us you're addressing?

Well, actually, the fake-real distinction helps me. Oh, does it, Bamba

-chan?

Now, I know a fair amount about your time on Earth. Why don't you tell me

about your time here? Anything that might help your case.

Well, in the first 24 hours, I caused the world to erupt into chaos.

And then I caused a garbage storm.

It was kind of a rough start.

But... Things calmed down after Chidi started helping me learn about ethics.

Okay, tell me about that.

Well, I studied with Chidi every day, and then Chidi got sick of me, so I did

some nice stuff to make him feel better. And later I confessed because Chidi was

being tortured by guilt, and I just felt awful seeing his little nerdy face all

contorted. Oh, Eleanor, I have a stomach ache because of what you did.

He is such a dork.

You know, uh, a lot of death row inmates feel regret about things they never

said. Admissions of guilt or anger or love.

Are you making a move on me?

It's fine. I just didn't see it coming.

Uh, well, hooking up with someone with the exact same name, it is kind of a fun

narcissistic fantasy.

No, no, Eleanor, I'm talking... I could be into it. No, I'm talking about you

and Chidi.

Now, ordinarily, you having feelings for my soulmate would be a conflict of

interest. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You think I'm into Chidi?

Yes, Eleanor, I do.

Because you are.

You mentioned his name nine times in the last ten minutes. Nobody asked you,

Bamba John.

I'm not sure what will work with Sean, but we should have all our bases

covered. Shall we start with the Greeks, or would you prefer the modern British

masters?

Chidi? I'm sorry.

Choices are hard for me when I'm under pressure. I know that, buddy, but we're

short of time here, and it's kind of important for Eleanor. Right, which is

why I can't take this lightly. What if I screw up?

Listen, I don't need the Chidi who once had a panic attack during rock, paper,

scissors because there were, and I quote, just too many variables.

I need the Chidi who stormed in here and told me to stop Eleanor's train without

thinking of consequences.

Oh, boy. Now I'm nervous about that decision.

Retroactively? I mean, how do you even... I don't know. Okay, we have so

many big choices to make. Let's start small. Do you want to use a dry erase

board or the regular pen and paper?

Just pick.

Kitty, just pick.

Come on, Chidi, pick someone.

Don't pressure me, Uzo. I have to consider all the factors.

Athletic strategies.

the fragile egos of my classmates, and gender politics.

Should I pick a girl as a gesture towards women's equality?

Or is that pandering? Or do I think it's pandering because of my limited male

point of view?

I'm vexed, Uzo, vexed. You're always vexed. Just pick.

Okay, fine.

I choose Femi.

Wait, no, I don't want Femi. He's terrible.

Hey. Sorry, Fem. I only chose you because you're my friend, and that isn't

really fair to the kids who are better.

I'll pick... Takumba!

You can't draft the teacher!

Pick a kid!

Come on, Chidi! Come on!

Come on!

Congratulations,

Chidi! You filibuster recess!

No, no, no. You're wrong. There are way more things I hate about Chidi than like

about him. Like what?

His stupid Clark Kent glasses, his extensive turtleneck collection. Oh, and

he loves ethics so much.

He once talked about John Rawls for two hours. I timed it. And he only stopped

because he saw me timing him.

Granted, he laughed and kind of made fun of himself.

It was a nice moment. But still, he always twitches his eyebrows when he

says absolutism. And he tilts his head whenever I say anything ignorant. But he

never makes fun of me.

Which is nice. He's also incredibly patient and kind and surprisingly

jacked. And oh, fork, I'm in love with Chidi.

Let's take a little break.

Obviously, I'm not thrilled about you having feelings for my soulmate.

Yeah, I keep accidentally stealing your stuff.

However, as your advocate, and I hope friend, I think you should tell Chidi

how you feel.

Would a hug make you feel better? No, I don't think that it would. Too late,

you're getting one.

Thanks, Bamba John, that does make me feel better.

What were you doing all those times you said you were meditating?

If I say it, you can't unhear it.

I've just realized there's no way you could have done this.

You got Janet to do it. No, no, no, GD did it. I got you an awesome painting,

but then he switched it to this one because he said you'd like it more. And

he made me memorize stuff to say to you so you wouldn't be so sad.

This is all his fault. You should yell at him.

GD helped you make me happy.

It was as if he was trying to...

This is a cool painting I made. This guy is famous.

I mean, who even are those ladies?

It would be easier to sort out the issue of dry erase versus paper if I could

write down the pros and cons for each. But, of course, I would have to use one

of them to write down the pros and cons for them, which is problematic.

Wow!

Ethics team, how's it going?

Terribly. Cool.

Well, you guys are kind of my last hope, so that's not great.

Hey, do you mind if I borrow Professor Stomachache here for a second? Please.

Take him for an hour. Take all the time you want.

Okay. Sit down, baby.

I dated many annoying guys, okay? They would call me all times of the day just

to talk or ask me if I'd taken cash out of their wallets. Stupid stuff.

And when I stopped having fun with them...

I'd leave.

Usually wouldn't even call or anything.

I'd just bounce.

Gotta go spend that money you stole.

Point is, you are way more of a buzzkill than any of those dudes.

Okay, thanks for this conversation.

But somehow, I never want to leave you. I want to stay in the good place

because of you.

Because I love you.

I think.

No, I'm pretty sure. Yeah, I love you.

Ugh, that's embarrassing.

I feel so itchy.

Sorry.

Don't say anything.

I just needed to get that off my chest.

Okay. I'm gonna go.

Catch you later, silly Billy.

Ugh, love has made me a nerd.

Bye.

Johnny's a fake.

He's not supposed to be here. Just like your soulmate.

More importantly, you did the ballerina painting because you were trying to

protect my feelings.

Because you love me.

Oh, Chidi, don't you see?

This is the real mistake that was made in our neighborhood.

You and I are soulmates. It makes so much sense.

Oh, but... No, Chidi, true love is rare, like a desert flower betwixt two oases.

But true love is also very simple. And right now, I'm just a girl towering over

a boy, asking him to admit he loves me.

I feel like her confession of love was a lot better than mine. Can I get a do

-over?

I need to step outside for some air, and I will not be back

for many days.

Dude, you can't just run away. You have to...

It looks calm now, but the storm is imminent. What's up, Carson Daly? My

name is Jason.

I want to give a shout-out to all my homies up in Jacksonville. I am not

Carson Daly. I'm a weather reporter.

A hurricane is coming. You need to seek shelter. I'm on TV!

Hey,

Janet. Hi there.

What are you watching?

My greatest accomplishment ever.

I'm trying to cheer myself up because I'm sad.

I think I might be in big trouble. Can you bring me something that will make me

not sad?

Let me think.

Sorry that took so long. Here you go.

Oh, dang.

Are these from my favorite restaurant, Stupid Nick's Window?

Stupid Nick's closed down because a pelican fell in the flash fryer. But he

opened a new place called Ugly Nick's Meat Trench.

These are an exact replica of that recipe.

Why are you so nice to me?

Well, you were very nice to me while I was rebooting.

Also... I'm programmed to be nice to everyone.

Janet, I just realized something.

I love you.

Okay.

I have one more question for you.

So you also love GD? And you just told him just now, right before I did?

Technically, you told him that he loves you, but yes.

This isn't ideal.

We must remain civil.

He's simply going to have to pick one of us, and the loser will just have to

accept her fate with grace and equanimity. Maybe if you lose, if he

doesn't pick me, I'mma start throwing stuff.

Classy as always.

I suppose you knew that Gianni was a fake, didn't you?

Yes, I did. Figured you two charlatans would sniff each other out like two

mangy rats sharing a pizza crust in a sewer. Okay.

No.

We're not going to do this. We are not going to be those women who fight over a

guy and find any excuse to rip each other apart.

I am not going to apologize for being angry. You knew that my soulmate was

lying to me.

Yes, I did. And I'm very sorry.

Listen, you and I have a weird, complicated, forked-up friendship.

But it's our friendship.

And I care about it.

Let's do something fun. What would make you feel happy right now?

You have a... Fine home, Deirdre. I absolutely adore your shares.

I don't know bugger all about a chaise. I've been using this as a bloody toilet,

I am.

What's this show called again?

It's Deirdre and Margaret. It ran for 16 years on the BBC.

They did nearly 30 episodes.

It's about two women from very different worlds who become friends.

Sort of like us.

Oh, Deirdre, no.

That's priceless art.

I thought it was fruit, innit?

Deirdre. I take it the moron is me? That's not a direct parallel.

Okay, we did your thing. Now it's my turn. Are you ready to take our bonding

to the next level?

Oh, good, you're back.

Um, I know we're short on time, but I need your help with a personal dilemma.

I need to make a choice between two frozen yogurts. Frozen yogurt?

Yes. And each of these yogurts has a unique...

and it's possible that one of them is perfect for me, but I don't know which,

and someone might be hurt if I choose the wrong yogurt.

What are you trying to say? That there's a wrong yogurt that hurts people?

Now, frozen yogurt's the only thing that's keeping this neighborhood

together. I'm gonna have to destroy the stores and then rebuild from scratch.

Yogurt's fine. Yogurt's fine.

I'm talking about my soul mates.

Oh, thank goodness.

This is about fake Eleanor and real Eleanor. Yes.

Which person is my soul mate? Real Eleanor. That's what the system

determined. Okay. Of course, the system did screw up by letting fake Eleanor in.

You know, it's interesting.

Fake Eleanor being selected accidentally and then you bonding with her could have

shifted the formula.

But it's one of those two people.

Well, I don't know. I mean, the system might be so screwed up at this point

that maybe you don't belong to either Eleanor.

Oh.

You is spreading. What? Your indecisiveness is infecting me like a

virus. Oh, Chidi, this could send us down a very dangerous path.

If you can't make a choice, this whole neighborhood could fall apart.

Okay. Getting close here.

Just mulling the ethical ramifications of various soups. Ah, same old Chidi. I

can come back for a fifth time. Yeah.

Yeah, maybe that's smart.

How are you? Uzo, it's been too long.

It has, it has.

Look, as you know, Ellen and I are engaged.

You're my oldest friend, and I love you like a brother.

And that's why I'd like you to not be my best man.

Sorry? Look, if you were my best man, you'd have to plan the bachelor party,

decide what to say in your toast, handle problems that pop up the day of. It

would drive you up the wall. Oh, so this isn't choosing soccer teams on a

playground. When something's important to me, I can make a decision. Watch. Um,

excuse me, excuse me. I've decided I would like to unequivocally order the

pumpkin soup.

Perfect.

You kind of want to change your order. Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking.

Excuse me.

Risotto. Risotto.

As much as I'm enjoying this, shouldn't you be working on your case to try and

stay here?

Honestly, how am I going to help them? They are much smarter than me. Now, hair

extensions? This is where I shine.

You were already at almost maximum hotness, but now you look like a sexy

tan Rapunzel.

The dream.

And how exactly did you learn how to do this?

When I was 14, I had to make myself look older to get a job.

These were the ones I used, and they are real cheap.

You're going to want to stay away from open flames and altercations at outlet

malls.

Hey, I'm really sorry that I didn't tell you about Jianyu and that

you got saddled with him.

Yes, that is regrettable.

But I forgive you.

Maybe you two are soulmates.

Holy shirt.

Maybe we are.

I know it seems crazy, but think about it.

John Yoo is a hot dummy, definitely my type. We both love to dance. We were

both banned from public transit systems in our cities. I think this is the

answer. People come in pairs here, and if the system paired us up, then maybe

somehow I do belong here with him.

Hi there.

Jason and I are getting married in 10 minutes, and you're invited.

Here we've got your soulmate options.

Eleanor.

Real Eleanor. And a theoretical third person. Let's call her a strawberry

mango twist.

Okay, close your eyes.

Think about each of the women.

Open your eyes.

The answer is real Eleanor.

How do you know? I don't. But the minute I said that, you knew instinctively

whether it felt right.

Well, hang on. Let me think about that. No!

No, no more thinking, Chidi. Just do something.

Indecision caused you so much agony in your life, right up to the very end.

I had a little trouble writing my speech. I wrote 11 different versions.

Wedding's in 20 minutes, buddy. Oh, boy.

I mean, these run about 55 minutes apiece. I'm really hot. Is this air

conditioner even working?

Yes, it is. You're just having a literal meltdown.

Also, you're not dressed yet, and we haven't picked up the ring. Okay, well,

there's an issue there involving what I consider to be unfair labor practices on

the part of the jeweler. And we never had a bachelor party because you can

never settle on a location or time. No, I chose a time.

Evening.

I'm sorry.

You were right. This is too much for me. You should just...

Leave me here and go get married. Yeah.

Here's the thing, bud.

My wedding isn't for another month. This was a test to see if you could handle

being my best man. And just as I predicted, you failed.

Miserably. Oh, no.

No, I mean, I'm relieved.

But this is embarrassing.

It's okay, bud.

Femi's gonna be my actual best man. It's all taken care of. Let's just go have a

nice night.

I'll buy you a beer.

30 minutes, Chidi? We've been trying to pick a bar for 30 minutes. It is

literally impossible to be your friend. You're incapable of making a single

decision. Look, I know I can be indecisive, but what's the harm in

taking a few extra minutes to find the perfect... Chidi?

You're right.

I just need to make a decision. I'm gonna look each of these women in the

eye, trust my gut, and figure out how I feel. You're kidding. That worked?

Great!

Go do it!

Ladies and gentlemen, let's get ready to marry!

Yo, check it.

This is great.

At different moments during our time here, we both thought that...

Tragic Mike over here was our one true love, and now he is marrying whatever

Janet is.

I suppose your ride is just a bit... strange.

I'd like to read a poem.

Janet, my digital queen.

Janet, we can dare to dream.

Send nude pics of your heart to me.

Jacksonville Jaguars rule!

Jason, when I was rebooted and I lost all my knowledge, I was confused and

disoriented.

But you were always kind to me.

And according to the central theme of 231,600 songs, movies, poems, and novels

that I researched for these vows in the last three seconds, that's what love's

all about.

Does anybody here object to this marriage? Of course we do! How could we

not object?

Overruled. Jason, do you want me to be your wife? Yeah.

I want you to be my husband.

Tight. So, by the power vested in me by me, I now pronounce us husband and wife.

We did it!

Can I kiss you or will I be electrocuted? Only one way to find out.

Woo! Give some!

Go get it, girl!

I'm just going with it now.

It's funny.

I was devastated when I found out that he wasn't my soulmate, but now I think

I've dodged a bullet.

He's a simple man.

I once watched him eat electrical tape right off the roll.

He thought it was a fruit by the foot that had gone bad.

Michael will certainly find out about this, and sooner rather than later.

But I won't be the one who tells him.

I can't do that to Gianni.

I think that's the right call.

Thank you for being such a great friend to me today.

Of course, hot stuff.

I got your back.

Eleanor. Hey, I just wanted to see if you talked to Chidi.

Uh, yeah, I did.

I mean, you don't have to tell me what you said. I just wanted to see if you're

okay. Oh, man, you are a good person.

I swear, if I had known you and Tahani and Chidi on Earth, I might have for

real gotten into the good place.

Oh, hey, it's my three favorite yogurts. Hey, um, about what happened

earlier. I've been kind of all over the place today.

An hour ago, I thought Jianyu was my soulmate.

And the fact that that kind of made sense means you and I could never be

meant for each other. Plus, Johnny was married to Janet now.

Okay.

What? I do love you, but I think more in a...

best friend, afterlife, savior kind of way. I'm not so much hot for teacher as

I am eternally grateful for semi-cute, surprisingly ripped teacher.

J.D., I also have to apologize.

It's just that when I found out that Johnny wasn't my soulmate, I desperately

needed something to keep me afloat, and you were the nearest lifeboat, as it

were. And yes, we do have the sort of connection that only two highly educated

sophisticates could have, but it's not true love.

True love is what Janice and Gianni have.

Yeah.

What? Oh, we would love to stay and chat, but we need to find Michael.

Eleanor, I think I've figured out a way for you to stay.

Really? I'll come too.

What?