Original subtitles

I can't believe we've never seen scary clowns go wild.

I can't believe how great the effects are. They almost look real.

That's because they are real.

We're watching actual clowns kill actual people.

I feel like that would be illegal.

That's because it is illegal.

I mean, you've heard of snuff films, haven't you?

This is a snuff series.

I don't know.

That brain matter looks a lot like cottage cheese and strawberry syrup.

Do you want to watch another?

Nah, I gotta be up early tomorrow.

I'm gonna head back home.

All right.

Your loss.

You want us to walk you back?

Never know when a scary clown's gonna go wild on you. I think I'll be okay.

See you guys again this weekend?

Yeah, maybe we'll watch some more scary clowns.

Sounds good.

See you later. More clowns next time. Sounds good.

I'm sorry.

I just couldn't pass up this perfect opportunity.

How'd you move so fast? Did you teleport?

No. Barry's wearing the same costume.

He's around here somewhere.

Oh, so it was both of you trying to give me a heart attack.

Barry, where are you at? You have to absorb some of this wrath.

Barry, is that you?

That's not Barry.

Okay, this joke is officially old now. Quit messing around.

No, really.

Barry's dressed like me, and he didn't grow an extra two feet last I saw.

Easy, buddy. You're freaking us out here.

Oh, what the hell you want, Diesel? Can't you see I'm digging in the dirt?

I'm trying to stay away from dipshits like you.

Oh, quit your bitching. I'm just going to invite you over to have a beer.

Drink your own damn beer by your own damn self. I got better things to do

than sit across from the likes of your crazy ass.

Fine. I don't want to drink with you anyway.

Hell, the only reason why I came over was my wife. She wanted me to. I'm going

to tell her what you said.

Oh, yeah?

Well, that's to be expected.

You're a shitty neighbor anyway, Diesel, so get the hell out of my life, you

piece of crap asshole.

Wait, lizard people, that's not a metaphor for a certain group of people,

is it? No, I'm not talking about the Danes, you maniac.

I'm talking about literal lizard people from other dimensions and shit,

infiltrating our government.

They've got bases on the moon, underneath the Earth's crust.

I got videos on this shit.

Oh, that reminds me. I've got something for you.

Uh-oh. Do I want to know? You're going to love this.

Um, I should probably get going soon.

Okay. Let me turn it to something.

Let me see.

Aha!

That's it.

Here we are.

Look at that.

What the hell is that? Yeah.

You watch these, and everything I'm saying starts to make sense.

Little House on the Prairie?

The messages are embedded in the episodes and the themes of the shows.

This is how the good guys get their messages to the resistance.

Sorry, man. I don't have a VCR.

Plus, I'm more of a Waltons man myself.

The Waltons? The Waltons are a communist manifesto.

You're a lost cause, Everett. Wow.

Want some candy?

Candy? Yay!

I love candy! Candy! Candy! Yay! Candy!

I don't have any candy. How about... How about I kidnap you and put you in a

little cage?

Yay! Cages! Put me in a cage! Cages! Cages! Put me in a cage!

Just clear your mouth and get in the fucking car!

Hey, Everett.

Look what I got.

What the hell, man? It's a VCR.

Can't you take a hit? I don't want you coming around here breathing my air.

I got an idea.

Why don't you grow some grass on this dirt lawn of yours?

Oh, yeah?

Well, you better take your ass home and eat some Wheaties before I kick your ass

all over this dirt lawn.

Bitch.

What you need to do is take the next six months and work out them skinny-ass

little arms of yours, you jerk-off. Why the hell are you following me, man? This

ain't your damn house. Get the fuck out of here.

Oh, yeah. I forgot.

Mine's the one with the grass on the front lawn.

Oh, yeah?

Next time you come by, why don't you bring a personality with you, you turn

-of-head-looking jackass?

Oh, yeah. I forgot.

HR Puffinstuff called and wants his tracksuit back, jackass.

Uh-oh.

He's running out of gas, folks.

You called me turnip looking. He ran out of gas a long time ago.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

That's all you can do.

Check it.

What kind of neighborhood is this?

Hey, man, I ain't never seen these people before in my life.

Man, I feel like I'm being assaulted from all sides.

Oh, yeah? How do you think I feel? I got clowns moving in all around me.

Really? Sorry, man. I didn't mean you. You're not a clown at all.

I thought we were friends.

Come on, man. We are friends.

Let's go get a beer. You been to Sherry's yet? They remodeled the place.

You can kiss my ass.

I never want to hear from you or speak to you ever again.

Come on, just

watch the video. Watch it.

Look, I guarantee you if you watch this video that I'm emailing you right now

and all these other ones that I'm sending you, you'll see what's being

done to our country.

Well, how about this?

I just watched a video that said Bigfoot was behind the assassination of John F.

Kennedy. Now what do you think about that? I saw that video!

That's bullshit!

All right.

You should have a bunch of videos in your inbox right now. I expect you to

watch every one of them.

Yeah, sure. I'm all over that.

You can believe it.

That's right. And I want a full report.

I guess I got homework now.

This is Clarice Santiago reporting to you live from the West Delta District in

Dumpwater, Florida, where a third woman has gone missing in the area.

Residents are now expressing concern that there may be a predator living

amongst them. But the question on everyone's mind tonight is, who?

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

What, reptilians?

No, our new neighbor.

Don't you think the ratty clown across the street is a little bit too on the

nose? See?

There you go again. Looking for graves when clearly everything is black and

white.

He just misunderstood.

He might as well just be wearing a sign that says guilty.

I'm just saying, you better have some solid evidence before you go around

burning up witches and clowns and such.

Oh, look, everybody.

The voice of reason.

Hey, look, everybody. Diesel's drunk off his ass.

There's gonna be evidence. You can count on it.

Yeah, well, I'm done with you, Diesel.

I'm done with your shenanigans. I'll see you in another life.

Fine, then.

Who needs you?

Go to hell!

I hate you, but you're never born.

Damn, that's harsh.

Will you be my friend?

Uh, sure, little guy. What's your name?

My name's Booby. Want to play with me?

Well, it depends.

What do you want to play?

Let's play chase.

Oh, I don't know about that. I just got comfortable.

You little shit!

Ow!

Time to run!

I do play chase.

Good luck chasing me through this, you clown shit.

Boopy. Surprise!

First of all, what do you mean we?

I'm not breaking in that man's house. I don't care if he is a murderous clown or

not, especially if he's a murderous clown. I should have expected this kind

of response from a Waltons fan.

Communist. Oh, really? So breaking and entering is more like a little house on

the prairie thing?

That clown is clearly up to something.

Kidnapping, murder, torture, and only we can stop it.

Innocent people are going to die.

And it's going to be all your fault.

Hey, man, I support you in your endeavors, but I just like to do it from

afar.

Ooh, they're leaving.

You got your cell phone on you? Yeah, why?

Call me if you see them coming up the street.

Don't do it, man.

See, this is what's missing from you today.

Initiative. Dude, why are you talking so loud? You're supposed to be sneaking.

Entitled. That's what they are.

You're doing great diesel you don't look suspicious at all

What? What's wrong?

I forgot to brush my teeth.

Who cares?

Brush them when we get home.

I care.

I'm a role model to children everywhere.

And I'm an ambassador to impeccable dental hygiene.

Of the highest order.

Do whatever you want. We're going to be late, though.

I'm sorry.

I just can't let this slide.

It's okay. Do whatever you want to do.

Oh, what do we have here?

Holy shit!

You look like you grab your clothes, man.

God damn it, Everett. What the hell, man?

The darn battery died on my phone, so I thought I'd come and get you, man.

Did you come through the window?

No, the back door was open. I walked right in.

Oh. Is that a bazooka? No.

It's a rocket-propelled grenade launcher.

You know, RPG.

Oh.

Yeah, he's got a whole armory in here.

Rocket-propelled shit and fucking machine guns and grenades and all kinds

of... Fucking shit.

I'm gonna keep this one.

Fuck him.

Yeah.

Are you crazy?

He's definitely gonna notice his bazooka missing.

RPG, damn it. Whatever, Diesel.

We're gonna blow some shit up.

You excited?

What happened to collecting evidence, man?

Hell, I can't find any. But he is guilty, though. I'm not letting him off

the hook.

Oh shit man, let's get out of here! Fuck yeah!

Let's move out!

Oh no, looks like the neighbor's cat got at us again.

Yeah,

somebody's cat for sure.

We should get a dog.

A dog would be good.

A dog would sit there, but I think dogs are just as messy as a cat.

But cuter.

Definitely, I think a dog would work.

Dog definitely would be better. Do I get a small dog or a big dog?

They're still both messy, though.

Like, big dog, I can carry a little dog.

That'd be kind of cool.

So, maybe I'll get an older dog, because that'd be a lot of fun. But then, it'd

be just as messy as the other one.

And I just, well, I'd put a dog, put a cat, put a dog.

Maybe a bird?

Snappy, is everything all right?

We'll just make a big circle, cross the street under the bridge, make another

arc through the woods, behind our houses, and...

Wawa we're back. We should probably try whispering.

I am I mean I am whispering

What happened?

Is she okay?

She fell asleep.

Fell asleep.

Fell asleep.

You gotta stay hydrated.

Hey, I think you're up to something.

What's with the hammer?

There's blood on that hammer.

And there's blood on her face.

What I'm saying is there might be an infinite number of parallel universes.

You ever heard of quantum entanglement?

No. If atomic particles can be entangled, then who's to say a mind

can't be entangled with a mind in a parallel universe?

I don't know.

Sounds a little far-fetched. Far-fetched? But you're fine with the

idea of reptilian overlords from another universe.

Yeah, but reptilians are real.

Hell, the evidence is all around us.

Really? Yeah, on YouTube.

And the Little House tapes, too.

Have you been watching any of those?

I think I accidentally taped an episode of Star Trek on one of those.

Oh, you're fucking killing me.

Oh, shit, he's coming over here, man, just like natural.

Oh.

Great, that's it. Just walk all over my perfectly manicured concrete.

Hey, neighbor.

Nice to meet you. You want a beer?

No, no, no.

Hey, don't give one of those. Give me one of those shitty ones.

That's okay. I don't drink.

Oh, okay.

Hey, maybe I could go in and get him a saucer of milk.

No.

Oh, that's okay. I just want to ask you guys something.

Did you guys see anything suspicious yesterday?

You mean besides a clown living across the street?

Well, somebody broke into our house yesterday.

I know you two are out here getting your drink on.

Maybe you saw something?

Uh-uh. Nope. Nope. Not me. I didn't see anything. How about you? Nope. Not a

thing. No, we didn't see nothing.

No, no. Uh-uh. I didn't see anything. I didn't see nothing either. Nope. Uh-uh.

Nope. Not a thing. Yep. Well, they took something very valuable of mine and very

dangerous.

No. we don't have your bazooka sorry i see well you gentlemen have a

good day then yeah you too clown yeah see you i'll see you i'll see you

walking away yeah asshole yeah see you later what the hell was that all about

man he didn't tell us what was stolen oh well who

cares he can't prove anything

That's it.

That's right.

That's how you do it. Is it?

Aw, come on, again?

Careful. Grumpy the Clown might hear you.

Grumpy the Clown? No, Grumpy the Clown. Haven't you heard of him before?

Obviously not.

Fill me in.

Well, he's this psychopathic clown that goes around killing innocent campers

like us.

He uses his giant meat lever to bash their heads in.

At this campsite? Yes, this very one.

You know, there are other campsites we could have gone to.

Yeah, well, I'm pretty sure it's just an urban legend.

Besides, no self-respecting clown is going to go around killing people in

this humidity.

What was that?

What do you think it was?

I'll go check it out.

What do I do if I run into Dumpy?

It's grumpy and nothing. You'll just probably just die.

Thanks for the vote of confidence.

What the?

Quit messing around.

Oh, come on.

Where's Johnny?

Oh, oh, oh, God, not the face.

Oh, oh, oh. Boy, you're an asshole.

Jeepers, creepers, man. I was actually freaking out. Ah, it was just a dare.

Would you believe it? This place is filled with animals.

Of course it is. It's a campground.

Damn it, Roy.

You just don't know how to stop, do you?

I can't believe you're making me bury my bazooka. It's an RGP and it's not yours.

You know, this is a terrible idea.

What if kids dig this up? They're going to blow themselves to pieces. It's going

to be all your fault.

I highly doubt any kids are going to find this way out here, let alone dig it

up. Well, I hope you're happy.

Goodbye, my friend.

And goodbye to all the good times we could have had.

It's the right thing to do, man. Trust me.

Is that a

bazooka? Nah, it's an RPG.

Rocket Propelled Grenade Launcher. Are you guys thinking what I'm thinking?

If you're thinking, let's go get some shovels and dig that up, then yeah.

Get up on your feet, folks. It's time for the Andalila Show with today's

guest, best-selling author and psychic, Olga Sparkle.

The ether.

The ether is clearing.

I'm getting a vision.

Do you see Janet's daughter?

Do you see the killer?

Do you see Zelda?

Do you see my daughter?

Your daughter is dead.

Drowned in a creek.

Buried in a shallow grave.

The killer, the killer, do you want to know?

The killer was an illegal immigrant.

From Denmark.

Dumpwater residents were up in arms again today as yet another teenage girl

has gone missing.

Officials say they are hard at work on the case, but leads remain elusive.

They need to figure out what the hell's going on here. There's obviously someone

taking our girls. There's bound to be someone in the community that fits the

profile. Figure it out.

My apologies.

We have a breaking news report.

Please stand by as we go live to Dumpwater Sheriff James Rotsky.

Thank you for joining us.

I'm standing before you to report that we have a new lead in the

ongoing multiple missing persons case here in Dumpwater.

We have received a letter from the alleged kidnapper.

He has confessed.

in his letter and also he knows details about his victims

that he has led us to believe he is telling the truth he

calls himself the clown

the clown

you know i did have my suspicions all along But I just wanted to make sure we

had the evidence to really put this joker away for good.

Ah, evidence.

Yabba dabba dooba doo.

He had a bazooka! I know.

And if I'm being honest, I knew he was a serial killer from the first time he

moved in. I got a sixth sense about these things, man. You know that.

You... We could call in an anonymous tip, but that'll just get him a visit

from the police. And you know they're not gonna do nothing, man. These guys

are idiots.

That's right.

Every clown in town is getting a visit tomorrow.

I guarantee you.

Cops ain't gonna know what to do.

Any one of them could be a suspect.

Well, it's out of our hands now, man. Ain't nothing we can do about it. What

are you talking about, Everett? It's all in our hands. We're the only hands.

Well, what the hell are we supposed to do about it, man? Beat a confession out

of them or something?

Dude, you are psychic.

It's like you can hear my thoughts.

I'm not doing it, man.

Come on, man.

There's an evil in this world. We gotta beat a confession out of it.

You can kiss my ass, Diesel. I ain't going to jail behind your damn

shenanigans, and I ain't no damn superhero, and you ain't either. So you

can kiss my ass, I'm done.

Hey, I like that.

We're superheroes.

Yeah, we're superheroes.

Yeah!

No, I'm done diesel. I'm done with you. I'm done without your shenanigans. I'm

done with little house on the prayers Oh, you can just shove it

Freeze

clown. I got you right between my eyes you meet tenderizer wielding clown Don't

move motherfucker.

Don't move right you move once I SHOOT TWICE! Think you're funny? Things just

got real fucking serious, didn't they? Okay, let me get to the right. Just

moving. Don't move, motherfucker!

That's right! Give me an excuse to shoot!

What excuse?

Don't move!

Move, dammit! Move! You stay right there. Ah, don't move! No, steady. Don't

move! Steady. Better think twice about moving now, Val. Don't make me... You're

done. ...beat you.

Howdy, neighbor.

I'm sorry I never got your name.

Snappy. Pleased to meet you, Snappy.

Look, I feel like we got off on the wrong foot, man. Really? How?

Oh, yeah. I guess we haven't, have we?

Actually, I feel we've gotten off on the right foot.

Well, there's something happened that I don't know about.

No, no, you're right. I don't know why I said that, but we found that thing you

were looking for. That thing I was looking for?

Yeah, that thing you said you was missing yesterday.

Oh, that thing.

I'm glad you found it. I was worried. I thought I was going to have to hire a PI

to go out and find it again.

No, no. Diesel got it hidden in his garage. In fact, come follow me.

Really? Amazing.

What a coincidence.

I wonder how it wound up there.

Yeah, yeah. We found it in a dumpster and we thought, hey, that might be that

thing he's looking for.

Wow, that's great.

I'm so happy to have neighbors like you look out for me.

Hey, you know, that's what neighbors are for, you know.

Kind of nice guys. That's what we are.

We're nice guys.

Wow, he's got a lot of stuff.

He should really think about having a garage sale. In fact, I can help with

that I love garage sales Hey, listen, you guys aren't gonna whack me. Are you

no no nothing like that?

You've seen good fellas. You've seen good fellas, right? Trust me snappy.

You're our new neighbor

What are you guys doing

we're fighting evil, hon, why don't you go play

Hey, Hud.

Could you open the door for us?

What in the name of Joseph Grimaldi is going on here?

Why are you guys wearing masks?

Never mind why we're wearing masks.

These masks are going to be the least of your problems.

Clown?

Snappy? Hey, if this is about the grenade launcher, hey, um, you can keep

it. My gift to you.

This ain't about no grenade launcher, clown. This is about your

extracurricular activities.

You're gonna have to help me out here.

I really don't know what you're talking about.

What the fuck?

Don't play dumb with us, pal.

We know what you've been up to.

I don't know what you guys are talking about.

I'm just a simple party clown, living a clown's life. I'm living my best clown

life.

Clown with a closet full of military-grade weapons.

Um, it's Florida.

He does have a point there.

That's not good enough, Sammy.

Come on, man, you can do better than that.

Punch him in the nose.

We know about the girls.

You want to make this easy?

Tell us where they are and this is now!

Well, don't look at me. I'm not the voice of reason.

Look, I really don't know what you're talking about.

Wrong answer!

Please, please stop hitting me.

Please, I don't know anything about hitting girls.

I'm just a normal clown with a normal house and a normal wife.

You got the wrong guy.

How can I make you understand?

You ain't gonna make us do anything.

You're gonna tell us the truth.

I already told you. I don't know.

I'm innocent.

Walk with me.

I don't think this is going to work.

You're not getting cold feet, are you?

We done opened Pandora's box.

You know, breaking laws and shit.

No, no, that's not what I'm talking about. I got some wrestling moves I want

to try on him.

You see?

I knew you had it in you.

You're a tiger, Everett.

You don't have to ask me for permission, man. Go to it.

All

right,

all right, all right. Okay, he's had enough. He's had enough.

Okay, let's get him off. All right, all right.

Well, shit.

He's out cold.

Wake up, Snappy!

I'll wake him up.

Nah, forget it, man.

He'll come around.

Let's go get a beer.

I'm with you.

Do you see the killer?

Do you see his victims?

Allow me to convene with the ether.

I'm having a vision.

I see a clown.

And I... I smell funnel cake and popcorn.

He works at the circus.

He's feeding something.

He's feeding something to tigers.

Oh my god, they're the body parts of young women.

Oh, Zelda!

Oh, Zelda!

Oh.

What a bunch of crap.

We know where that clown is, and he ain't at no circus, neither.

She's just making shit up on the fly.

It should have come to you with that sixth sense of yours.

You can laugh all you want, man, but I get a feeling sometimes.

Okay, okay, okay.

What am I thinking about right now?

Probably some stupid lizard people shit.

See, you are psychic.

Now give me some winning lotto numbers.

Okay, okay, I'm going to do this one time.

How about, it's down now, 8-6-7-5-3

-0-9.

This is Clarice Santiago reporting to you from the Dumpwater County Jail where

Sheriff Brodsky is about to issue a press briefing regarding the recent

kidnappings.

Ladies and gentlemen, we got him.

Approximately 10.30 this evening, Dumpwater police officers arrested a

clown by the name of Dwayne Rumpelskin, aka

Rumpy the Clown, in a sting operation.

Mr. Rumpelskin has yet to reveal the location and status of his victims, but

I assure you that we at the Dumpwater Sheriff's Office will do everything

in our power

to return your loved ones to safety.

I think I might have killed his ass with that elbow drop, man. Why the hell did

you stop me, Diesel? I can't go to jail.

What do you mean, stop you? You're the voice of reason.

All right.

Come

on,

clown. Wake up.

Easy, Everett.

Let me check his pulse.

Yeah, you do that.

I'm not getting anything.

I think he's dead.

What do you mean, dead? Did you do it right?

Wake up, Snappy!

Snappy! Wake up!

Wake up!

I can't believe I killed an innocent clown!

Snappy!

Snappy!

Well, I don't know about innocent.

He must have done something.

to confess.

Sure. You can tell me anything.

No, not to you, to the cops.

Hell you will. I'll bury you right next to him. How can you say that? I thought

we were friends.

Hey, this is where we both make up stories that match.

In case anybody comes around, we need an alibi.

But the guilt.

Don't you try me. I'll put an end to you right now.

You're both idiots.

You both have crossed a lot of lines.

And you're going to jail for a real long time.

Mark my words.

He's right.

We gotta kill him.

No, no, no. It's okay. You're both gold.

I won't tell anybody.

Crush my heart.

Hope to die. Well, not really.

Look. What do you say we take Snappy to a swamp, take him as far back in the

woods as we can, and... Let nature take its course.

Right!

As I said

before, folks, the voice of reason.

I don't know what you're talking about, Diesel.

It's just a family trying to stick together to live through a depression.

John Boy's writing a book.

See?

Communists. Just a bunch of goddamn hippies.

Yeah? Well, Little House was just a bunch of reworked Bonanza scripts.

See? You're starting to get it.

Yeah. Get what? Who played the patriarch of the cartwrights on Bonanza?

Lorne Green?

Correct.

And who played the commander on the Battlestar Galactica?

I just can't wait to see where you're going with this, man.

Loren Green.

And who was the Battlestar Galactica at war with?

The Cylons?

Right again. And who were the Cylons? A bunch of robots?

No. The robots were just soldiers created by an extinct race of... Wait

for it... Reptilians?

Reptilians!

Hey,

come on, you two, come on. Come on, what are you gonna do to me? I mean, come on.

Nothing, Snappy.

Tonight's your lucky night.

We're just gonna drive off and leave you to your own devices.

My own devices? What the hell is that supposed to mean? We're 20 miles from

anywhere. I can't find my way out of this place. Not with that attitude,

Snappy. You about ready to get out of here, brother?

Yeah, let's hit it. Take me with you.

I'm gonna get you two.

You're gonna pay, you sons of bitches.

What are you gonna pay?

I'll give you a life lesson.

It's gonna cost you your life.

Loser!

Bitch!

I don't know, man.

Everything feels different today.

I know, man.

All the adrenaline wore off.

I'm starting to feel guilty.

It's really getting to me.

Yeah, me too.

There's no way he's going to survive that big swamp, man. We got to find some

kind of way to tell his wife, you know, bring some closure to this.

Oh, hell, the world's full of clowns.

Let's go find another one.

Yeah, I don't know, man. I think we really crossed the line on this one.

Oh, we definitely crossed the line.

How about this?

We drink a couple more beers, and then we'll go look for him. Yeah, let's do

that. A couple more beers.

Maybe even three.

The voice of reason, folks. He has spoken.

Uh-oh.

They must have found his body. Oh, man. Probably come to tell the bad news.

His poor wife.

Oh, man.

How about that? The goofy clown pulled it off.

Thank his lucky stars, man.

Crazy clowns got nine lives.

You're a danger to society.

They kidnapped me. They beat me. Snoopy. Snappy.

You crazy clown.

Uh-oh, look casual.

We gotta get our story straight.

Um, we were out surfing all day yesterday.

Surfing? I ain't never been surfing before in my life, man.

Yeah, you don't have to, dumbass. It's called lying.

Okay, whatever.

We were surfing all day.

Well, afternoon, officer.

Clown over there says you hit him. What?

No.

He's a fucking liar.

Yeah, he says that you beat him up real bad.

Dropped him off in a swamp.

Ring any bells?

No, officer. We didn't do that. Uh-uh.

Not us.

He must have us mixed up with somebody else or something. That was not us.

Clown's full of shit.

He's always making stuff up.

Tried to say we stole his bazooka the other day.

The man's got a screw loose, if you ask me.

Hey, believe it or not, that Clown get-up is probably the most normal thing

about him.

Calling all cars. A riot is in progress at the Hunky Dory No-Dot Palace.

All units, please respond.

Roger that.

Unit 101 is on its way.

I gotta deal with the riot.

You guys figure this shit out amongst yourselves.

And stay out of trouble.

Okay, officer.

See you later.

Yeah, good luck with your donut riot.

You ever need any backup, give us a holler.

Waking out.

It's me, I'm waking out.

Are you kidding me? Those guys tried to kill me. You need to do your job.

Don't stand for this.

You'll ruin the game. You're the name Snappy Hurlbutt.

Oh, shit. I'm sure he's coming over here, man. Don't look. Don't look.

Just...

Hey there, buddy.

Hey, good news. We left the last one just for you.

And it's a good one, too.

Enjoy. Yeah, there you go, buddy.

Welcome to the day. Good to see you again.

I think we can let that one slide.

Yeah.

Okay.

I guess this makes us even then.

What the hell is this problem?

I don't know, man. I got no idea.

Guys, you just must be uptight or something. I don't know.

Let's play the Florida Tri-County Lottery.

Today's jackpot is $3 million.

And the winning numbers are...

8, 6, 7, 5, 3, 0, 9.

Thanks for playing with us. We'll see you next time.

Hey, what were the numbers you said the other day?

I don't know, man. I can't remember anything anymore.

Well, I guess it doesn't matter.

I got better luck at being struck by lightning.

Yeah, you can't win with that shit.

It's all controlled by the same shadow companies anyway.

Yeah, you're right.

It's not as if I'm a conspiracy theorist or anything.

I'm just saying.

It's all rigged anyway, man. Not just a lottery.

Life itself.

They don't want us to win.

Nope.

They're feeding off our suffering.

We're like batteries.

We're like batteries.

Like that movie.

With Keanu Reeves.

What? You know, you know. The Matrix?

No, Bill and Ted's bogus journey.

What?

Well, here's to fighting and not being a barrier, brother.

You're damn right. Cheers.

There's a lot of clowns in here.

Yeah, you're right. Must be some kind of theme night or something.

Hey, blozo.

Nice hair.

Who the fuck are

you? Get me out of here right now.

Let me out.

God damn it.

Hey, fool.

Bunch of pony jackasses.

Hey, watch it.

You just wait till I get out of this damn sack.

You're lucky I can't move my damn arms or I beat all your clowns. asses. The

big man speaks the truth, and I second his statement.

Y'all all cruisin' for a bruiser than we're just a gal to give it to you.

Dammit! Can't believe we got dropped by a bunch of clowns.

Everett, you're supposed to be watching out for this shit.

What? You're the one who ordered all those shots, man.

I was just going along for the ride.

Well, well.

If it isn't my lovely neighbors, Everett and Diesel.

Snappy, what the hell, man?

Yeah, I thought we worked this out. You know, part on good terms.

Oh, I don't know.

After getting the crap beat out of me, left for dead in a swamp, maybe I'm

feeling a little vengeful.

Hey, we thought you were a serial killing clown.

You know, it was an honest mistake.

Wait a second.

You're not a serial killing clown, are you?

I'm the Grandmaster.

of a syndicate of homicidal clowns.

So yeah, I am a serial killer clown.

Have you two ever heard of a series called Scary Clowns Go Wild?

Oh man, I love that show.

Did you ever see that episode where the girl gets tenderized?

What? Well then, this is your lucky day.

Because you're both about to appear in Scary Clowns Go Wild 18.

Diesel and Everett get eviscerated.

Wait a minute. You are the serial killer clown.

Ah, you must be the brains of the operation.

Hey man, we're going to be on Scary Clowns Go Wild.

Wait a second, how much are we getting paid for this shit?

But what about the clown they caught?

Grumpy, he confessed to everything.

Oh, he's a member of our syndicate that got sloppy.

Luckily, all our clowns go through an intense conditioning program in order to

resist interrogation.

if the need arises.

So no, he won't be revealing our location, and no one is coming to

help you. We didn't ask if he was.

What's this, you trying to hypnotize us now?

Uh-uh, no.

It ain't gonna work on me. I can't be hypnotized. Me neither.

Why don't you untie us and let us go?

We won't say nothing about your little operation here.

$20,000.

You can, uh... I don't know.

Sure.

But you know something? For now, why don't you both just stare into the

spiral?

We just told you this shit don't work on us. The mere sight of a clown triggers a

deep anxiety within you.

The mere sight of a clown triggers a deep anxiety within you. The

mere sight of a clown triggers a deep anxiety within you.

Within me.

Diesel, they got you, man. Snap out of it.

What? Oh, shit.

Yo, where'd all these goddamn clowns come from?

Diesel, they got you. You're not afraid of clowns. Pull back.

Pull back.

I don't know, man.

Feeling pretty freaked out right now.

Everett, think of your greatest fear.

The scariest thing from your childhood.

The mailman.

I was always terrified of the mailman.

The mailman?

I don't know.

He always brought bad news.

And after a while, the mere sight of him creeped me out, man.

Hmm. Interesting.

Okay, Everett.

I want you to replace the image.

of the mailman with a clown no no stay away get away from me man get away get

off me see that's what i was trying to tell you man they're fucking everywhere

Oh, shit!

Izzo! Where are you at, man?

There's clowns everywhere!

Oh, man!

Everett!

hell are you doing look at that look at that man oh yeah yeah

we're fucking huge man yeah i could crack a coconut

with just my pecs man

Yeah, ha ha ha!

they at least have life-changing injuries.

It's up to you now. You gotta show us what you've got.

I'm gonna let you down, sir.

Yeah, trust me we've seen some shit you wouldn't believe today, but I think

we'll be alright though

Couple of days off after this.

Just to get my head straight.

You know, listen to some Indian shit.

I know what you're talking about, man.

After this, I need to take a walk or something, you know, and commune with

nature. Take in some fresh air.

This is the Dumpwater Sheriff's Department.

Sheriff Rotsky himself.

Get down on the ground.

Let me see your hands where I can see them.

Officers, do your duty.

Go get them.

Okay, now, how the fuck are we going to get out of this place?

I got you, man.

I need a coffee with two sugars and plenty of whipped cream to align my

cuddly.

Wait, wait.

Wait, ladies.

I'm feeling it.

I'm getting a reading from the other side. I see a shitty

warehouse.

I see the victims.

They're okay.

The victims are okay.

And I see, I see Zelda. She's alive.

She's alive.

She's alive. And I see the, I see clowns.

And I see them dyeing their clowny hair with Kool-Aid.

Using toothpaste as makeup.

I see communal showers.

I see them in jail. They're going to jail.

Oh my God, they dropped the soap. And oh, there's just so much cock.

There's just.

So much cock! There's just so much cock!

This is Clarice Santiago reporting to you from the Safe Zone Warehouse

Complex, where a sinister operation has been uncovered involving a murderous

group of clowns and a DVD series called Scary Clowns Go Wild.

Earlier today, suspect Grumpy the Clown revealed the location of the clown kill

house. in exchange for a strawberry milkshake and a pack of cigarettes.

Run for it, guys!

They're on to us!

Oh shit, Snappy's making a run for it!

You weren't kidding when you said he had nine lives. I think he used up eight of

them since he's known us. He's about overdue for his comeuppance, and that's

for sure.

If you ever catch me, the clown syndicate is forever!

Cut off one clown nose, and two will grow back in its place!

Get him, Jeff!

Come on, Jeff, shoot him!

Oh, shit!

It appears that a rocket...

Fuck out of here, guys.

What are you doing tomorrow, big guy?

Well, you know, same old shit. Drinking beer, pointing fingers.

How about you?

You know, well, I think I'm going to break down and watch Little House on the

Prairie. I've been thinking about what you said.

What did I say?

Well, it's not what you said. It's what you implied with that sarcastic tone of

yours. Why, Diesel.

I didn't know you had the ability to detect sarcasm.

Oh, I do.

I just choose to ignore your dumb ass.

All right, then. What did I imply?

All this interdimensional lizard shit. Just a bunch of bullshit.

I think we just get dissatisfied with life.

And it's easier to blame others for our own failure. You know, to take chances.

Live our lives to the fullest.

Man, I don't know why I put up with this shit.

I'm just kidding, man.

They're building bases under their crust, sucking our souls.

Yeah, we're fighting evil, man.

Yeah, fighting evil, man.

That's us.

The dynamic duo.

Fighting evil.

Let's see how you look.

Mirror.

Mirror! Mirror!

Give me the damn mirror!

Mirror!

What the fuck is that?

What have you done?

What have you done?

You didn't even try.

You didn't even try!

You didn't even try!

I tried my best! No! Yes!

No!

No one wilds on you Say it's all just in real

But I know it's all true

I know

it's all true

They say it's all just a myth.

Say it's all just a myth.

But I know it's all true.

You know what you did?

Some of it was legal.

Most of it was not.

But who am I to judge?

Give yourselves a hand.

Scary clowns gone wild.

Going wild on you.

Scary clowns gone wild.

In your swimming pool too.

I love you.