Original subtitles

This programme contains some strong language

DOORBELL RINGS

Mum?!

He's...he's left me.

He...he doesn't love Mummy any more.

What am I going to do, Lou?

What am I going to...

Lou?

SHE SOBS

'The look as well, has to be very rustic.

'This is something you make when it's cold outside.'

Ooh, God, I'm going to die.

There's a sausage left in the pan if you want it.

I couldn't eat another thing.

You want half? Go on, then.

'I like it. I like it.'

Have you got my laptop? What? No.

You have, haven't you? Yes.

Donna, can you stop borrowing my things without asking?

I asked you. When? Well, I didn't ask you outright, but I meant to.

What about my power drill? You've had that for a month.

Yeah. The thing about your drill is I think Karen put it on eBay.

Take it off. I can't, she sold it. What?!

I didn't bother telling you cos she got a bad price. Bloody hell, Donna!

Can you bring my laptop back, I've got an interview on Monday, and my CV's on it?

Yeah, it's round at Sam's. I'll bring it back to you tomorrow.

It's at Sam's?

What's it doing round there? I thought you didn't want to talk about Sam. I don't.

So it's going well with him, then? Yeah, it is.

It's going really well.

So what you doing round here?

Why aren't you at Sam's? Don't be stupid, Karl.

Sam's not the kind of man to sit round watching Saturday Kitchen.

We're going to an opening tonight.

What, like a supermarket? What?

A gallery. What are you talking about? Why would we go to the opening of a supermarket?

They sometimes have celebrities. I'm

not interested. Why do you get Heat?

I'm being ironic.

You don't even like galleries. I do. I love galleries.

What about when we went to the Tate? You cried cos your feet were sore.

Oh, this is a proper gallery, like a...

small one with wine and a cloakroom.

You'll hate it. I won't hate it. Don't be so negative.

Well, I want my laptop back.

Sorry, do you want some? Yeah, actually.

Oh, look at me, Karen.

We never learn, do we?

He's made a mess of me, but I still love him.

What did he say? Oh, the usual...excuses.

Not sure if he's ready for this.

Wants more time to concentrate on his A-levels. How old is he?

Nearly 18.

18?! In seven-and-a-half months, yeah.

You mean he's 17?

There was a bit of an age gap.

There was a bit of an age chasm, Eileen.

He's not a boy. And I didn't touch him until he was 16.

Well, I didn't let him inside me until he was 16.

Not front doorsies, anyway. Jesus, give me some more of that.

It's his mother. She's jealous, that one.

She doesn't like that I'm ten years older than her, and I'm pulling men.

Eileen, she doesn't like that you're

ten years older than her, and

pulling her son. They kicked me out.

You mean, you were living with 'em? In his bedroom.

I took a pair of scissors to his Kanye West posters. Do you think that's wrong?

Which part?

My little girl hates me.

She doesn't hate you, Eileen, she just hasn't seen you in two years.

I've been in love, Karen. Love is cruel.

Well, when it's illegal, yeah.

I've been so stupid.

I feel so embarrassed.

Sausages? Er, no.

Bacon? I could do some eggs.

I'm not really... Fry-ups.

Have you got a rice cake or...?

No. I could do beans on toast.

I...I'll get an apple later.

A mango maybe.

So, looking forward to tomorrow?

Oh, we're definitely doing that? What?

Yeah, I've booked a cottage. Haven't you taken Monday off? Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, I'll ring in sick.

The plan is, Sunday lunch with the gang. The gang.

Then finish the weekend off with some sordid sex in the Cotswolds. How does that sound?

Sordid sex sounds good.

Listen, are you sure you want to go tonight? What? To the gallery.

'Course. Why are you asking me that?

Well, you just seem, I don't know, a bit hesitant. No, I want to go.

Yeah, God, I love galleries...openings and stuff.

Art and that. Bloody hell, I love all that. We'll have fun.

With the paintings? They're not paintings. That's a relief. Give you a chance to meet some of my friends.

Mmm. And they know all about art and things? Yeah, it'll be great. Yeah. Can't wait.

Are you sweating? No. I can turn the heating down. Yeah, can you turn the heating down?

Sorry for slamming the door in your face.

Yeah, well,

I suppose it was a shock.

You can't stay. Have I asked to stay?

No, but.. No! Well, no. Thank you. Right. OK.

Sorry, Mum, I...

So you don't want to stay, then?

Just for a few days. No!

A week at most. No, Mum, you can't.

He's left me, Lou.

Mummy's all alone.

Mum, you can't keep doing this. You only ever remember me when you get dumped.

I'm not going through this again.

Through what again?

Look, Mum, it's a bad idea. It just doesn't work out, you and me.

I always end up feeling terrible.

I don't know what else to do, Lou.

Well, I just think you should...

you know...

What?

Piss off.

After you've finished crying.

I mean, there's no...hurry.

You're doing what? I'm going to a gallery.

No. I've got a big night planned.

They've got a two-for-one at the Marquis. Buy two pints, get the third free.

We'll stagger over to New York New York's - it's male wet T-shirt night.

It's going to be a classic, Donna! You can't miss it. OK, it sounds...

But, er, Sam really wants me to go.

But it's Saturday night.

Yeah, but the gallery'll be, you know, fun.

No. It'll be shit and boring. If galleries were fun, Donna, you'd have to pay to get in.

Are you serious?

Yeah. But... Sorry, Karen, it's just he's expecting me there now. But it's Saturday.

Sa-tur-day.

If God didn't want you to get drunk on a Saturday, Donna, he wouldn't have created the morning-after pill.

Look, Donna,

I've got nothing against Sam, but he's a bell-end.

He's not a bell-end.

Checked his drawers? I bet he's got

matching cutlery.

So?

And you're not going to enjoy it.

They're going to talk about the war in Iraq and French cheeses...

Well, I can talk about French cheese.

Petit Filous isn't a French cheese, Donna.

They're going to crucify you. I'll look at the pictures. I mean, pictures are nice, aren't they?

You're going to look at the pictures? Yeah.

How long are you going to look at them for? What do you mean? I'm just going to...

What, is there a certain amount of time that you're supposed to look?

Oh, God.

Oh, God, this is going to be a nightmare. I mean, Sam's like a proper person.

He goes on group holidays and he calls dinner "supper".

What if he realises I'm not a catch?

You do know you're supposed to enjoy being with your boyfriend? I do... I love being with him. It's just...

spending time with him I find stressful.

So you're going to leave me with Louise and Eileen? Well, she can't be that bad.

Imagine Lynne Perrie crossed with Wolverine.

It's a miracle Louise turned out the way she did.

A shit miracle, but a miracle.

And so I said, "I'm never going to get that out of my ear, am I?

That's in there for good." That's £5, please.

Mmm. Hang on,

I'll just get my purse.

Do one!

Sorry about that, Pavlos.

Oh, thank you.

Thanks. Thank you.

DRINK SPLASHES

SHE SNIFFS

That's shit!

Hi, I'm...I'm Donna.

I'm, er,

Sam's girlfriend.

Who...who do you know here?

I work here. Oh, right. Great.

How...how much is...that one?

Why, are you thinking of buying it? Yeah.

Yeah, I am, actually.

My boyfriend Sam's a photographer, and we like all...pictures, artwork, posters. It's a lot of money.

Just tell me how much it is. £55,000.

It's not much. I mean, that's... I mean, it's worth it, isn't it?

It's good.

What do you get for that?

Do you get...do you get the whole thing, cos...

I mean, do you get the thing it's standing on, cos that's...?

I mean, do you get...do you get the plinth, cos that's quite...? No, it's just the sculpture.

How...how much is the plinth?

The plinth's not for sale.

That's a pity.

What about that one?

Yeah, it might be better to wait until we get to a club before making any moves, Eileen.

Less chance of ending up with a serial killer.

Skinzo doesn't look his age, so we don't really go to pubs.

More parties, you know.

He's trying to grow a moustache.

I want to go home.

Look, he's got a friend, Lou.

We could move in on them together.

He's about 50.

And he's dirty.

I like that in a man. I'm not talking to him.

Just a thought.

It's a bit boring this, innit? I tell you what, I'll pop over and... Eileen, don't go ov...

Why did you have to ask her out?

What you talking about? She's fine.

She's going to ruin my life again.

You might relax a more if you drank more booze, instead of Orangina.

I need to stay sober.

Louise, we are going to have a laugh tonight if it kills us. Just relax.

This is Max and this is Phil. Yo.

This is Karen, and this is Louise, my sister. Don't we look alike? Ha-ha!

You talk to Max, Lou. His wife's just died.

I've looked at them all. Shall I

look at them all again? Donna, this

is Alice. Hello.

Oh, so this is Donna? I'm afraid so.

I've heard a lot about you. Oh, it's all true.

Except the stuff about the pig wanking. That's... What?

No, I was just... I was just joking.

That's Rebecca Loos anyway, and...

She's a right slag.

Erm, have you looked at all the artworks...Alice?

Oh, no, no. Er, I don't think I'm going to bother...

I know, they're...they're a bit shit.

..having just spent the last six months in the studio with them.

This is Alice's exhibition, Donna.

Is it? Mmm.

Well done. They're, um...

I like the one, er...you know,

the one, um,

over there. Look...looks like a big mouse.

What's that called?

It's called My Mum's Cancer.

And, er, what is it?

It's my mum's cancer.

OK.

Can I...can I get you some wine?

It's free. I know. I paid for it.

Let's get some wine, Donna, yeah? I'll come with you. OK.

Er, OK, sorry. Cards on the table.

I don't think they're shit, I think they're really good.

I just bad-mouthed them cos I thought you might think they were

shit, and I just wanted to get in with you.

Wow.

Now I really respect you.

You all right, Louise?

This is a nightmare.

It's not psychologically healthy

to have your mum do lesbian dancing

with you to attract men.

She's going to be dancing even more now.

I've just seen her slip an E up her arse.

I want to go home.

Well, maybe she was just letting off steam.

I mean, she's just split up with her fella, so it's only natural for her to...

Oh, my God!

Did I just see her drink her sick back out of that glass?

Oh, no, not the never-ending pint. They'll chuck us out for that.

But it did look like a mouse, didn't it? It had big ears.

They weren't ears, they were tumours.

I can't deal with this, Karen.

She's just... Fucking hell.

Oi, leave it. Leave it! She's not worth it!

Are you all right? Yeah,

she should keep her arms to herself.

BELLS TOLL

IT SPURTS

Find anything interesting? No.

No, I was, er, I was just looking at your cutlery.

Don't worry, it all matches.

Yeah.

It's lovely having you here, Donna. Thanks. It's lovely being here.

Sam, do you, um...

Do you often do these, you know, weekends away with your mates?

No. No more than once a month.

More in the summer. Right.

You're not looking forward to it? Oh, no, definitely. I really...

I mean, I'm really, really...

Sorry about last night, about Alice.

Don't worry about it, Donna, she's a psycho anyway. Yeah.

And they were a bit rubbish.

No, they're brilliant.

Are they? Of course they are. She's a genius.

Oh.

Listen, er, we've still got a few hours before we're supposed to meet the others. Oh, yeah?

So...what are you doing now?

Why? What do you have in mind?

Well...I thought we could give Johnny and Kat a call, and hook up early.

Right. What do you think?

I...I think, um... Do you remember where I put my laptop?

SHE SIGHS

Oh-oh! It's busy!

Oh, fuck!

Oh, bloody hell!

I'll be finished in a minute, Karen.

Eileen, have you been wearing my knickers?!

Oh, yeah, do you mind?

I found them on the floor. I haven't even washed these.

Oh, don't worry, I turned them inside out.

So have I.

I don't understand why he borrows YOUR computer. You've split up. I know, I know.

I keep telling him, but what can you do? Well, don't be late.

I'll be as quick as I can.

Ah, don't be jealous. I'm not.

You are a bit. No, I just don't want us to be late. Yeah, sure.

Mr Jealousy.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Look, we need to talk, Louise.

What is it?

Let's sit down, shall we?

It's about your mum.

She's a filthy slag.

Get her out of here.

SIREN

That's...!

What is it?

Miss Congeniality 2.

Christ! I know.

You want a cup of tea? Huh?

No, no, I can't.

Er, can't. I've got to get back for this lunch thing with, um...

with, um...

'Gracie Hart! Who's Gracie Hart?'

This is awful. Oh, it's stupid. As if you wouldn't see that's a wig.

I know. I know.

SCREAMING AND SHOOTING ON TV

There's doughnuts in the...kitchen.

Er, I can't. I've...I've got to meet them by 12.30 at the, um...

Oh, for God's sake, that's ridiculous.

Stupid. That's embarrassing.

I'm embarrassed for her. I mean, it's...it's supposed to be the FBI. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The FBI wouldn't...you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Huh! 'Daddy, you look so good!'

Mum...Mum, look...

What's this? I've been carrying this around with me for years.

I don't know why. I meant to give it you when I got back from Ibiza.

It's one of those shitty donkeys.

It reminded me of you.

So beautiful and kind.

I feel proud of you, Lou.

You're the only thing I've ever done that's turned out right.

Oh, Mum... I know. I know. Don't worry, love, I'm going.

Mum...

'Our next guest is runner-up of last

year's contest.

'We later found out she was an FBI agent.

'You can read all about her in her new book.

'Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Congeniality, Agent Gracie Hart!'

That's shit.

So lame.

What time is it, Karl?

20 to two.

Mum's staying.

What?! She's staying.

What are you talking about, Louise?

She's a nightmare. It's like living with...me.

She's turning over a new leaf.

We've had a talk, and she needs to be here with me - with her daughter, Karen.

I'm changing, Karen.

I'm just asking for a little help, that's all. Wake up, Louise.

The moment some scumbag with a pair

of balls walks in,

she'll be off again. You're wrong!

I won't be any trouble, Karen, I promise. No way!

If she goes, I go.

Louise! I mean it, Karen.

I...I know how you feel, Karen, but we've had a talk,

and I think I've been indulging in self-destructive behaviour. But that's over.

Just give me this one chance.

I don't believe this.

All right, but I want my knickers back.

Not now!

KNOCK AT DOOR

Oh, my God, that's Skinzo.

He's found me. How? He must have

seen the address

I wrote down for him in his bedroom.

I'd better have a word. He can get nasty if he's been on the Breezers. How do I look?

No, you go upstairs and wait in the bedroom. I'll deal with it.

No, perhaps maybe...

Should I go, Lou? Maybe I should...

No! I want you to be strong, Mum.

I'll sort this out. Come on, Karen.

20 to two?!

I want my woman! She's not your woman - she's my mum, and she's not coming out.

You'd better get out of my face. Eileen! It's over, Skinzo. It's time to move on.

I don't want to move on. I love her.

She's the only woman I've

felt sexually compatible with.

If you don't let me see her, I'm going to...blow myself up.

With what? Petrol?

Louise, let me talk to him.

Listen, you little alcopopoholic, if you don't piss off, I'll fillet you with your own blade.

Karen! I'm not going anywhere. Leenie! I love you, Leenie!

Skinzo, listen to me. I know how you feel, but this isn't the answer.

Eileen's made her decision. It's not that she doesn't care about you, but she needs to move on.

I know it's hard to accept, but sometimes people need to do what's right for them.

What's right for my mum is to stay here with me.

She's never had time just to be herself.

Do you understand that, Skinzo? Look, she knows where you are.

Just give her this time to get her self-respect back. OK?

Babes!

Leenie!

God, Sam, I am so sorry. Where have

you been? No, because the thing was,

right, I had to go to Karl's.

You're nearly two hours late. Am I?

God, I'm so sorry.

What happened? The thing is, I got there and...

Have you seen Miss Congeniality 2?

What you talking about? I mean, you can't believe how bad it is, but you have to keep watching.

You've been watching a film?

If you can call it that.

You are joking, aren't you? I mean, I've been sat here like a lemon for two hours.

I was worried about you.

That's so sweet.

Donna, are you sure you want to be with me? What?

Are you sure you want to be with me?

Sam, I just...

Look, all right, look... I don't know how to be with your friends. OK? Try saying yes.

I am. You're not. Why wouldn't I want to be with you? You're great. Donna, say yes.

What's the big...?

OK, I...I'm just

taking a while...

getting...you know, adjusting. Then tell me you want to be with me.

I want to be with you.

Yes. There. Yes, I'm saying yes.

Right.

OK. Good.

That's all I needed to hear.

Come here.

I mean, it's a shit film.

You're telling me! I sat through it.

Come on, we haven't got much time.

What? We've got a train to catch. Oh, we're still doing that?

Yeah. Do you want to?

Yeah, course. Well, shall we go?

Definitely. Yeah. Let's go.

Let's go now.

Oh, shit!

Oh, the laptop - it's still in my bag.

It'll have to stay there. We've a train to catch. But Karl needs it. I need you to catch a train with me.

Because he's got a job interview. Donna!

I want you to think about this carefully. Catch the train with me or return the computer to Karl?

I'm going to be 15 minutes, 20 at the most. Right.

25 max. I'm going, Donna. No, but I'm going to catch you up.

Bye. No, but, Sam...

Sam, I'm going to run and I'll be...

I'll be really quick. 15 minutes at the most.

Get me a Twix.

God, it really makes sense when you've seen the first one.

# If you see me walking down the street

# And I start to cry each time we meet

# Walk on by

# Oh! Walk on by Make believe... #