Original subtitles

This programme contains some strong language.

Look, I'm going to call you an ambulance. I don't need an ambulance.

Jesus Christ, where's Donna?

Look at your face. I think she's with that guy from earlier.

Why would you tell anyone they look like Judy Finnegan?

It WAS Judy Finnegan. Since when does Judy Finnegan carry a blade?

Oh, God, Louise, you're really going to need stitches in that.

I can see jelly.

Really?!

(SLURRED) Where we going now, then?

Stop pulling it - you'll make it worse.

What about this place?

Karen, they just spent the last 15 minutes throwing you out.

What? Come on, they know me.

Look, I'm calling an ambulance, and that's it.

Karen, can you look after Louise while I go and find...

I can't get up there.

Louise, can you look after Karen while I find Donna?

Shall we see if we can get a late drink somewhere?

One more. Come on.

One little more.

Wait there.

Ooh, I could kiss you all night.

Why don't you, then?

Got to get back to the wife and kids.

Ow! Ow! I was joking! What?

I was joking. I was... I haven't got kids and a... Oh, shit.

Oh, you really caught my nose. Oh, shit, sorry, but you said...

No, it doesn't matter, it was my fault. Oh, God, you're bleeding. Am I? No, I'm fine.

Christ, I'm such an idiot.

Have you got a tissue? Yeah, yeah, hang on.

I suppose that rules out the kissing all night, then.

Well, I'm bleeding from my nose.

Shit. Sorry.

Well, it was...you know,

it was nice.

SIREN BLARES

Hey...

Are you doing anything tomorrow?

Louise?

Louise! There's room if you want to go with her.

Louise, I'll see you back at the house.

I'm going to get a takeaway, I'm starving.

Yeah, I've got it. I've got it.

Hi. Where are the girls?

Er, in an ambulance. I think it's gone.

I love Fridays. Hey, what are you doing now?

Let's go dancing. It's 3.30. Let's go dancing at my house.

I've got a bottle of wine, we can make martinis. Donna, are you OK?

Flipping brilliant.

Was there anyone that could back you up? Did your boyfriend see what happened? I don't have a boyfriend.

You should think about filing a report with...

Do YOU have a boyfriend? Yeah, I do. He's my fiance.

I haven't had sex in two years.

Yeah... Look, just keep the pressure on.

Two years on Friday. OK, well...

Two years without penetrative sex.

Two years since I felt the weight of a man on me.

And, actually, he wasn't even on me, he was behind me. So...

I'm going to ask you to stop talking now because you'll split that stitch.

Stitch? Just shut up.

Found it.

On the floor.

I would have never seen myself in the catering industry either.

My best subject at school was geography, you know.

And humanities as well, was another one that I seemed to have this... I'm going to go bed.

(Donna?)

(Donna?)

Donna?

What?!

Where should I sleep? On the sofa.

(I...I think someone's been sick on it.) It smells a bit...

Oh, God, just get in with me.

Well, if...if that's all right with you. I'll just...

Just get in!

SHE MUTTERS

Walking...

A woman on her own... Never even got a cab for me, or nothing.

Morning.

Hi. Sleep OK?

Yeah, yeah, very well.

I'm just going to brush my teeth.

I feel like I've been sucking on dried rat.

What's the longest you've ever gone without sex?

What kind? Any kind.

Any kind of sex. What's the longest?

12 years.

12 years?!

Karen, are you talking about the first 12 years of your life?

A week then. A week?

Do you fancy coming to the pub tonight? You can give me tips.

I can't go to the pub, I'm giving up drinking.

I'm sorry, I don't understand.

Look, Richard, I...

No offence, but, er, I don't really want people to know that I had sex with you.

Are you embarrassed?

No, just ashamed.

OK.

Well, I'll just sit there quietly.

No, no, I don't want you to come down to breakfast, because it'll just look weird.

Oh.

Well, then how should I...?

Well, if you go out the window by the toilet, and over that fence at the back,

pop through that estate and, er, you hit the main road.

It's quicker, probably. OK.

It was fun though, wasn't it?

No, it wasn't. It was a mistake. I mean, we were both extremely drunk. I wasn't drunk.

In that case it's practically rape,

so you should shut up,

and if you tell anyone, I'm going to call the police.

Hi, Karen. Hi, Louise.

God, I slept well. Like a log.

When was the last time YOU had sex?

I haven't had sex.

SHE LAUGHS

What are you talking about?

I was sleeping, so...

I need to do it soon, otherwise it's two years without sex.

I've been setting my standards too high, and I need to aim a bit lower - like you, Donna.

What are you talking about? I haven't got low standards.

You slept with Gary the barman - you've got NO standards.

That was an accident. Why are you talking about that?

How do you do it? How do you not care about who you let inside you? I was with Karl for five years.

I don't sleep around.

Of course you do. You just doctor the figures. I do not!

Is that what you think of me? I meant it as a compliment.

How could that possibly be a compliment?

Look, I'm not saying you're easy or something, but...

Well, actually, I AM saying that, but what I'm saying is it's empowering.

I'm easy? What about Karen?

Yeah, but not Abi Titmuss easy - Germaine Greer easy.

I'm not easy, Louise, all right?

Last night I met a gorgeous man and I did not bring him home.

I could have, but I didn't. I took his number, I kissed him,

but at the end of the night, he went his way and I went mine, because I do not just sleep with anyone.

(I couldn't go over the fence, Donna, because there's razor wire out there)

(and these are Dolce and Gabbana)

(so I'm just going to slip out the front door.)

HE MOUTHS

Can I have the jam?

HE LAUGHS

Oh, my God, that's awful.

Yeah. She was pretty upset.

I mean, I would be if it was my son.

What amazed me was her stamina. I mean, you have to be fairly fit

to throw a wedding cake at someone's

front door for eight hours.

So, are you and Karl still friends?

Yeah, yeah, friends.

Well, not at the moment, he's not talking to me.

And has there been anyone since? Yeah, well, you know, the odd...

Actually, Sam,

now we're on the subject, there was something I wanted to tell you.

Don't be silly. Listen, since I split up with Chrissie, I haven't exactly been a monk myself.

Yeah, but this is different, because... No, it isn't.

I hate all that double-standards "men can sleep around but women can't" bollocks.

Me too. Listen, you punched me in the face when you thought I was cheating on you.

I really like that. I know what kind of person you are.

Right. You've got standards.

Yeah. Yeah, about a lot of things.

Yeah, but I don't like to make judgments because sometimes there

are reasons why people - good people - make stupid...

Chrissie cheated on me. Did she? Yeah.

Yeah, that was why we split up.

Actually, I found out she'd been cheating on me all along.

That's terrible. Yeah.

Well, no, what was terrible was that it was...

Well, let's just say it wasn't a one-off.

Oh, God. Yeah.

She was a slag.

Biiiiig slag.

Just my luck.

Slags. I just...

hate slags. They're...they're really...

You...you just can't...you can't trust... Is that a pint of Stella?

Is it OK if I sit here?

So how's the kitchen?

How's it going in the kitchen?

(IN EAST EUROPEAN ACCENT) Good. So how do you like London? Have you got friends here?

Friends in London. Yes, my brother and my cousin. Wow.

So what do you guys do for fun?

For fun, like to go to drum and bass club.

London has best clubs in the world.

The best music. Yeah.

Yes, we do. Thank you.

Listen.

DRUM AND BASS PLAYS

You like music?

Yeah, I love... I like music that makes me feel my cock.

Actually, I don't mean to correct your English, but what you meant to be saying was...

Makes me feel every vein in my cock is pumping with blood.

The music can do that. Makes you feel alive.

Right. I'm just going to eat this. You like to come out with me?

Listen to music?

Yes.

Yes, I'd love to.

So...

how's not drinking going?

S'easy. So long as I don't think about anything whatsoever, I'm fine.

Oh, well, that's positive.

Yeah. What you all dressed up for?

I'm meeting Sam.

In a pub, is it? No, no, restaurant.

Yeah. There'll be a wine list though.

Probably.

Er, listen, Karen, do you think I should tell Sam about Richard?

Why would you tell him? Well, because I like him, Karen.

I don't want to jump the gun but what if we get married?

You know, I mean, what if he's the father of my children?

What...what about when I meet his family? I mean, I'm sitting there opposite his mum, and she's telling

me about the day Sam fell off the shed roof and split his chin open, and I'm thinking, "Yeah,

"your son's wonderful but I had a gay man inside me the night I first kissed him."

So how do you feel about that?

Has that always made that noise?

CLOCK TICKS

What? That, that thing there.

What, the clock? Yeah, the clock.

The fucking clock. Is it ticking?

Are you all right, Karen?

What? Oh, yeah, yeah, fine. What you doing tonight?

I'm going out with Sam. Right.

To a pub, is it?

I won't ask to come in. Why?

Because I know you'll say no.

What?! Oh, yeah.

Yeah, course.

All right, I'm going to go before I lose control entirely.

That would be nice.

I'll see you Friday.

Hi! What are you doing?!

Oh, well, I just thought, er, you know...

Well, I mean, I was passing, er, and I...thought, well, er, well,

basically I drank lots of your wine the other night, so, er, I...I thought I'd bring you a new bottle.

You're not coming in, Richard.

No, no! God, no, I wasn't...

So I'll see you at the restaurant, or something.

Yeah. Yes, definitely.

Look, Richard, let's just forget about what happened. OK?

It...it's not you, it's just, you know... Yeah.

God! Fine. Fine, forgotten.

What happened?

No. Seriously, it's...it's forgotten.

So, er, so I'll see you tomorrow then.

Yeah.

You did drink most of it.

What's wrong with Oleg? He smells of meat.

He works in a kitchen, Donna.

He works in a vegetarian kitchen, Louise.

I don't trust him. I walked in

when he was cleaning out

the ladies toilets - he was smiling.

Well, that's just his manner. He's a very caring person.

You should see him with the eggs.

Yeah, but he's the dish pig.

Well, I'm going to have it off with him.

There's no way you'll be able to

go through with it. I will.

I'll just breathe through my mouth.

So where are you supposed to be going on this date?

Oleg wants to go to Fuckbeetz, but I thought, "Why hang around?" so I'll bring him here and get on with it.

What, you...you're going to bring Oleg here? Tonight?

But I've got Sam coming round for dinner.

All right, well, we won't eat then, we'll just be in my room,

and maybe the bathroom. No, I don't

want you to bring Oleg here.

I want to tell Sam about Richard tonight.

Tell you what, why don't I see if we can go to his house?

What, really? Yeah.

Well, would that help?

Well, yeah, but if you don't mind.

Of course I don't mind.

Oh, thanks, Louise.

I really appreciate that.

No problem. "No, you're great."

"No, you're great." "No, you're great." "No, you're great."

You're both shit!

So James yawned, he was sleepy. "I know," said his mummy, "why don't you get ready for bed." So he put..

Anna, can I have a word?

I'm just finishing a story.

Children, do you want a story or money? ALL: Money!

Anna, am I, er...

bad as a person? What?

Well... you know I've given up drinking?

Well, I was wondering, when I am drinking, am I really that bad?

Well, at the last PTA you did try to get off with my husband.

Anna, how many times have I got to apologise for that?

Once would be nice. I'm sorry, Anna.

Look, just tell me, am I bad when I'm drinking?

Karen, you're a catastrophe when you're drinking.

Right.

So I...I should keep this up then, carry on?

I would. OK.

So what am I supposed to do?

I mean, I'm finding it a bit hard to know what to actually do.

I mean, what do you do with yourself

on a Friday night, say?

Oh, I dunno, watch DVDs and stuff. Watch DVDs?

Yes.

Watch DVDs.

Well, that's great.

I'll just watch DVDs.

DOORBELL RINGS

Hello, Oleg.

You look beautiful.

Like...Princess Diane.

We go.

So what are you up to tonight? What?

I was wondering what you're up to tonight. I'm getting a DVD. Got a problem with that? No...

Is that all right, is it? Yeah, that's fine.

Got your information now? I'm just asking because Sam's coming round. That's it, I'll stay in my room.

I'll stay hidden away in my room like some mutant freak. Why don't you slide my dinner under the door?

Why don't I smear excrement all over the walls of my room? Would that make you happy? Well...

I'll stay in my room all night while

you eat dinner with your boyfriend.

Well, if that's OK.

This is where I live. Oh, it's...

Yeah.

Live here with my friends and my brother.

This is my brother's bed on top. He's older than me. This is my bed.

THEY SPEAK ANGRILY IN EAST EUROPEAN LANGUAGE

Please, sit.

Please.

It's clean.

Do you know where the, er, foreign language section is?

You've just come from it.

I love subtitles.

What you got there? Sleepers.

Nice. What?

Into that sort of thing, are ya? I beg your pardon?

Oh, come on. Sleepers. It's gotta be a bit naughty, ain't it? What is it?

Sleepover? College sleepover?

All cheerleaders, and getting noshed by your friend's mum? It's about paedophilia.

Right.

What do you call a paedophile with... Please don't tell me a paedophile joke.

Do you want to come home with me? No. OK.

Wow, looks delicious.

Yeah, well, there's not much, because I was only cooking for two, so, er...

Here.

Oh, don't worry about us, we're not eating.

Well, this is nice. Yeah. I thought you were going to Oleg's.

Yes. I forget, my cousin on late shift tonight, so it's his turn for bed.

Must be nice living with all your mates.

Why you think it's nice?

You like living like fucking chicken? Tell you what, let's open some more wine.

Er, no, I was just saying, Oleg. In my country, I have PhD in biogenetics.

What do you do, so clever? It's nice this bottle...

I wasn't having a go at you. Sorry,

please accept apology. I thought

you were being fucking prick.

I tell you what, why don't you open it?

Nice wine. Is this wine from restaurant?

No, no, it's, er... This is wine from restaurant.

No, Oleg, it's not.

It's wine we have in the... It's not from the restaurant, OK?

It's my wine, I bought it.

So...just open the...

DOOR OPENS

Just open it.

Found him outside.

Where the fuck...

Where is he? Where's that little...

Come in here.

Richard!

Richard.

Richard, hello, Richard.

SHE LAUGHS

I see you've got company. Hello there.

Sam, this is, er,

this is Richard. Richard, this is Sam. Er, Oleg you know.

Hello, boss. And, er, Louise, she's, er, she's eating there.

Pasta. And, er, and...

And nice flowers. They're nice flowers.

Aren't they nice flowers? They're...

they're probably for your mum or something, are they? No.

Sam? That's Sam?

Hello, Sa...

Oh.

Shall...shall I... Er, is that...

Shall...shall I put those in some water for you?

No, I'll just keep them.

They're my flowers. Oh, shit!

Richard, this wine from restaurant? Yeah. Glad you're enjoying it.

No, it's not from the restaurant. Donna got this. Got it, didn't get it - what's the big... Who cares?

Why's everyone so... I'm so sorry, Donna.

Don't be sorry, Karen, you're just a little bit drunk.

She...she's drunk, so she's feeling a bit...

I'm just going to talk with Donna. Donna, I'm so sorry.

Don't be sorry. You don't need to...talk.

God, I'm such a... Just...look, Karen...

So, it's a vegetarian restaurant. Are you vegetarian, Richard?

You'd like that, wouldn't you? Sorry?

Have I messed it up?

Go away.

Oh, God, I have, haven't I?

Stop talking. Just go away, go away.

It's awkward for you, with Sam and Richard. Go away!

JUST SHUT UP, SHUT UP! STOP!

OK.

Sam, I slept with Richard...

on the night we met. What?

Look, I wanted to tell you, but...

You slept with him? Well, does that surprise you?

Of course it surprises him!

Right.

Sam!

Sam, just wait a minute, please. What do you want?

Sam, I'm sorry that was so...

I was trying to tell you.

I've been trying to tell you, but...

Look, I was drunk, he was gay.

He's gay? No, he just... I... I mean, I thought he was gay, but he's not.

So he was sleeping in my bed with me. In your bed?

Yeah, because the couch had sick on it, so I had sex with him.

I didn't mean to. I don't even remember.

So it doesn't even really count, really.

It does count, Donna. OK. OK.

It...it counts, but, look, Sam,

I'm not like Chrissie, honestly.

I really like you, but you have to believe that I'm not that kind of person.

I've never cheated in my life.

I was with Karl for five years and I never...

All right, once. But I'm telling you because I'm being honest.

I'm trying to be... Right. Right, OK, you're being honest.

That's...

Well, I really like you too, Donna.

I think you're a great person.

But you slept with someone else, and I can't let that one go. OK.

Right. Can I just quickly point out that we weren't actually together at the time?

It doesn't matter. Doesn't matter.

You're right. So it's over, then?

Yeah. OK.

Go on, then. Fuck off!

This is my bedroom.

No, no, no.

No?

I like you. I like you very much.

I want to see you again, and I want to have dates with you -

dinner, movie, go to gallery.

I want to see you, get to know you better.

I think maybe we have things in common.

We get to know each other, then maybe we make love.

So you don't want to have sex with me?

Louise, I earn money - I want to sleep with woman, I can pay.

Oh.

Oh, right.

Sorry. There's been... Sorry, crossed wires.

I just wanted the sex...now.

Oh.

You don't want relationship?

Oh, no, I do. Just not with you.

Well, I not just want sleep with you.

So if you want me, you know where I am.

What about your cousin?

DIALS NUMBER

Donna?

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd