Original subtitles

MUSIC: "Smile Like You Mean it" by The Killers

ALARM CLOCK SOUNDS

This programme contains some strong language.

ALARM CLOCK SOUNDS AGAIN

# Save some face

# You know you've only got one

# Change your ways

# While you're young

# Boy, one day you'll be a man

HE SCREAMS

# Girl, he'll help you understand

# Smile like you mean it... #

Freedom through discipline.

Freedom through discipline.

Freedom through discipline.

So, I'll, er...

Look, I'll see you around, Gary.

SHOUTING: I'll call you later. What? No, Gary.

Sorry, look, er, that's very sweet, but I'm not really...

Things are just complicated at the moment with me and Karl.

I'll call you then. No, don't. Don't call me. Call you?

Look, I just said, "Don't call me," OK?

SHOUTING: Today?!

I'm not calling you today, I'm busy.

What do you mean, you're busy?

What, you're too busy to make a call?

Look, things are just a bit complicated at the moment, me and Jan. I'll try and text you.

What do you mean, text?

No, hang on. No, look, it's me that doesn't want you, OK?

Yeah, yeah. All right then. Later.

So, I'll call you.

PHONE RINGING TONE

ANSWERING MACHINE:

Hi, it's Karl, not in,

so leave a massage, then a message.

Seriously though, just leave

a message and I'll get back to you.

Unless it's the weekend

because I might be away. Laters.

BEEP

Oh, er, hi, Karl.

It's... It's Donna.

Erm, I was just phoning because, er...

Like the message, bit whacky, bit cheerful, it's good.

Er, just phoning to... Bit zany...

..see if you're, er... Well...

Check that you're still depressed. I mean, I hope you're not.

I mean, I don't want you to be.

So, er,

anyway, just, er, just give me a call.

And get rid of the message, it makes you sound gay.

Piss off.

So?

What? How was it?

How was what? Last night.

Worst sex of my entire life. I've had more fun putting me knickers on.

A man with a cock that size should at least have the decency not to fart when he comes. Oh, Karen.

I said, "And you can stop trying to joke your way out of it, that is tiny.

"That is insulting.

"That is pointless, meatless and quite frankly, it's making me feel queasy."

So you didn't then? Yeah, I did, but out of pity.

And don't look at me like that. You should be grateful.

When are you going to get the electricity back on?

I thought you were getting money off Mark? Can't you pay for the electricity with that?

Why don't I just set light to it? I want electricity.

It's so depressing being 30 and not being able to...watch telly.

Donna, you're starving and freezing and you've only got a tenner, what do you do?

Buy food or electricity?

Food. Wrong. You buy booze.

I'm throwing you a party.

I've hired the function room at the Marquis.

Oh, Jesus, I dunno if I wanna go to the Marquis tonight. Why?

Cos she shagged the barman last night. No, no, I didn't.

The deaf one? He's not deaf.

He's got partial hearing.

He's got partial hygiene, Donna. Christ.

Look, I just dunno if I want to spend my birthday watching Sky Sports

with men trying to sell me Bush meat, is that OK?

Who's that? Don't talk to him.

So, you know what you're doing then?

Yeah, I'm adopting Donna an animal from an endangered species.

I'm going to use the internet. What do you think she'd like?

I dunno. Something cute and disappearing like an elephant. Aren't they a bit big?

Jesus, just make sure there's a picture, get something with a name like Kunte Kinte or Mombosi

and a little message from it saying,

"Thanks, Donna, you really

saved my bacon," OK?

Do you know something, you're right. There are a lot of single dads here.

Single? That's Thursday. This is Mum's Saturday morning lie-in.

What, they're married?

Yeah. Karen! Well, I'm just borrowing 'em.

But it's not right.

You're single now, Donna. They're only off-limits if they're family or under 14.

14. It's not paedophilia if you're a woman.

PA: Can we have a multi-tasker to the rear of the store? We've had a spillage up the main aisle.

Sorry, do I know you?

I do, don't I? Yeah, you do. I'm...

Yeah. God, I do. Hang on a minute.

Do you go to Manhattan's? I've been there, yeah.

Yeah. Oh, my god. Didn't we snog on the dance floor? I think...

Oh, Christ, we did, didn't we? Did we? Oh, we did.

I remember now. Oh, my God.

Was I giving you a bit of palm?

I've just remembered the cab on the way home. Didn't you fling a bit out over my...

I think actually you're thinking of someone else.

I'm Josh's father. You teach him.

At school.

Oh, hello. How are you?

Fine, yeah.

Doing anything after this?

Taking Josh out. Say hello, Josh. Hi, Miss.

Hello, Josh.

Nice lolly.

Well...

They've got a special on avocados. Really? Yeah.

Two for the price of one.

Cheap.

Oh, here.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, sorry.

No problem. I just thought you needed a hand.

I did. Thank you for your hand. You're welcome. Having a party?

No, I'm just an alcoholic.

That's a joke. Sorry, I'm not.

Yes, we am, are...

A party, er, tonight, at, er, the Marquis on Tudor Road.

I think it's 29 Tudor Road. It's quite easy to find actually, it's page 56 in the A to Z.

It's grid reference 4G or something.

I'm Danny.

Hi, I'm Donna.

So, having a party, that's cool.

Yeah, cool. Well, I love parties, so what's the occasion?

It's mine. Birthday.

My birthday. Oh, great.

So how old are you? Just 30. OK.

Let's get out of here. Can we?

Hi.

What are you looking for?

Sexy lesbians.

Wow! Or teen bitches, maybe.

Barely legal sluts.

Whatever.

Oh, good luck.

Karl sounded good. You called Karl? Why?

Dumping someone the day before your wedding doesn't mean you stop caring about them.

Don't invite him. I'm not inviting him to the party.

Donna, don't invite him to the party.

I'm not inviting him to the party.

I might go and see him. Don't go and see him.

Just see how he is.

Ex is how he is. You're like a two-year-old playing with your own faeces.

Just cos it tastes good, Donna, it doesn't mean it's right. I'm not getting off on it, Karen.

I just think a man who's tried to kill himself should at least be sounding a bit sad.

It's not in here. I'm gonna kill Mark.

Why was he giving you money anyway? He wasn't giving it to me.

I sold him something.

What? My computer. You haven't got a computer.

All right, one of the school's computers.

What? Why?

I need the cash. They don't pay teachers very much, Donna, in case you've been living under a rock.

We are virtually paupers.

You take a taxi to the off-licence, Karen.

Isn't the school going to miss a computer?

No. They've got loads of 'em. Nearly...five.

Mark?

Hello. Who's this?

Where's Mark?

I'm his PA.

No, the other one.

What?

Oh.

Oh, my God.

How did that...? A heart attack? Really?

When? When did it...?

Yesterday.

Jesus.

Well, do you have anyone with you, family or...?

Look, you don't happen to know whether he got to the bank yesterday?

Hello? Hello?

I just can't believe it.

I mean, I really can't believe it.

I know. I felt like that when I split with Karl, like, like he'd died.

Mark did actually die, Donna.

He's dead. Karl's alive.

Yeah.

So, do you think he's over me, then?

Isn't that what you want?

Oh, yeah, of course, but does he have to be so happy?

I mean, I want him to be happy,

but just not so happy about being happy. This is breakdown stuff.

For you or him?

Er, do you think you might actually,

you know, order something?

My lover has just died, Richard. Wow. Sorry.

So can I have a free sandwich? Oh, can I have a free sandwich as well?

Time. A little bit...

What's Bukkake?

Bukkake, it's, er, it's a genre of porn involving 20, 30 men masturbating onto a woman's face.

Two free sandwiches coming up.

God, who died?

Mark. Oh, no, that's terrible.

Which one's Mark? He's the married one.

Oh, no, that's terrible.

How do you spell it? B-U-K-K-A-K-E.

If you need anything, I'll be on the computer.

I can't believe he's dead.

He's not dead, Karen, he's just acting. Oh, you mean Mark?

Yes. He's dead.

..A-K-E.

Oh, no. Oh, no, oh, that's...

That's... Oh!

Oh, I wonder if there's any more.

SHE REPEATEDLY RINGS THE DOORBELL

Oh, shi.. Hello.

What do you want?

I was just in the area and thought I'd pop in and...

Pop in! ..see if he's... Is Karl...?

Don't talk about my son, Donna.

You're still angry with me, aren't you?

Angry because you dumped my son the day before his wedding?

No, Donna, but I am wondering where I might wear my £500 suit.

Any ideas?

Ascot? Go away.

I'm just, I'm just worried about Karl.

Oh, NOW you're worried about Karl.

He just seems a bit... Better?

Weird. Better but weird. Do you know where he is?

Playing squash. What? At the gym.

At the gym? But two weeks ago, he couldn't get out of bed. Well, he can now.

He's found someone else.

What, already? Someone who loves him for what he is.

Is it a woman?

Karl wants you out of his life.

Yeah, but not really out of his life? Yes, really out of his life.

But how are we going to be... friends?

So, getting fit? Yeah.

It's weird seeing you sweat when you're not eating a kebab.

Well, I thought I'd join. It's just round the corner.

If you get a year's membership... Are you going to kill yourself again? I'm just getting fit!

Oh, for God's sake!

What? It's a nervous breakdown, Karl.

It's not. Two weeks ago, you tried to kill yourself.

Thank you. You started a fight with that tramp. Thank you.

That was then. Yeah, all right, I went through a bad time.

I think it was shock or something,

but I'm moving on now.

Don't be so naive,

you're not moving on, you're... I am.

No, you're not, Karl. I am, Donna. You're not. I am, Donna. You're not.

No, I am. No, you're not. I am.

Karl, you're not. You're not. You're not moving on.

SHE SOBS

Oh, Mark.

Oh.

S'not Mark.

Who's that?

Who's that?

God, they're so friendly.

I think it's better if we don't see each other.

No, you don't. Yes, I do. You don't, Karl, you don't. Yes, I do, Donna.

Well, for how long? I mean, do you just need some time?

Donna, I don't know if I wanna see you again. At all. Oh.

Well, is it something I've done? I mean, apart from the breakdown...

It wasn't a breakdown.

Look, I'm just getting on with things.

I'm getting on with things as well. I've met someone. Me too.

I like her. She likes me. I like him. Well, he likes me more.

This isn't easy, Donna...

We're getting married. What? Yeah. Married.

His name's Danny and... When?

Now. Pretty soon. Soon.

You're getting married? Yeah.

I just... I feel so happy that I'm all mental and stupid.

You know, people are worried about me.

Hey, why don't you come to the party because, you know,

now that we're both moving on, it'd be brilliant. Bring thingy with you.

Oh, my God, isn't this fantastic? I'm so happy for us.

CHILD SCREAMS

You're a creepy little shit, aren't ya?

Where'd you get that computer?

My dad give it to me.

Is your dad the dead one?

Yeah. What's your name? Jason.

Jason, what if I were to tell you that I was your dad's lover

and that that was really my computer? I dunno.

Look, Jason... All right, Jase?

He's taken it so hard.

And you are? Lee. Mark's oldest.

Oh!

Handsome. Here, have a drink. No, thanks, I don't usually...

Go on, Dad's dead, he won't mind.

No, I'm...

How are you coping?

Just sort of taking each day as it comes, really.

You have to. Do you wanna hug?

What? Or something? A little hug?

Don't be afraid. Nothing to be ashamed of. I'm fine. I'm...

I'll just hold your hand then.

Which one's your mum?

Wow!

She ain't fuckin' all that, is she?

That him in there, is it?

Yeah. In the box? Yeah, he's, er...

Did he leave any money?

Pardon?

No, I mean, to pay for things that he didn't pay for when he was alive.

I mean, if he didn't, which he probably did, but if he didn't, did he leave anything for someone?

Sorry. And you are?

I think the cars are here.

Are they?

Mum, Mum, I think the cars are here.

He's alive!

He's alive!

EXCITED CHATTER

He's cold.

He's stone cold.

Let's go.

< We can bring him round!

Look, I'm gonna try. I'm gonna try.

He's moving. Look, honestly, I'm trying.

This is amazing, isn't it?

I mean, one minute we're writing on a screen to each other, strangers,

the next, we're in a car park talking, chatting like friends.

This is all new to me.

What about you? No.

I mean, I just thought people in to that sort of thing would be...

well, I don't know, dirty or something, but it's so friendly.

I mean, there's a real community, isn't there?

Sorry. Me gassing away, I'm sorry.

I'm just so excited.

How excited? Really excited.

So where we gonna go?

I thought we'd just...

stay here.

There's a man out there, is he OK?

Yeah. He doesn't look well.

No, he's fine.

So tell me a little bit about yourself, Tony.

What do you like doing?

All of it.

Look, there's someone else now. What's he doing?

Oh, my God! Tony, you're never going to believe this.

I think we should get out of here.

Tony!

COMMENTARY: They still have numbers the other way. They've come this way.

CHEERING

Eddie O'Sullivan waits.

No.

Lee, Lee...

Listen to me. Listen.

Don't you let anyone...

anyone tell you that your dad wasn't a good lover.

Sorry I'm late. I got caught in a car park. What?

I'll tell you later. Actually, is it all right if I don't tell you? I thought we had the function room.

Yeah, well, we've got each other, haven't we?

That's the important thing.

Friends together. Give Donna her present.

Oh, yeah. This is from me and Karen.

It's not exactly what we, er.. Well, happy birthday.

"Thank you, Donna. You're my new mum.

"I love you and now I'm not gonna die."

This is the worst birthday I've ever had.

What's the matter with you? This is what being single's all about.

This? Yeah. But you have to be drunk. I am drunk!

Not enough.

That's how the magic works.

That's how you turn a toilet into a tiara.

He's not coming. Who?

Karl.

He'll be shagging his new bird.

I've lost him.

I've lost him, haven't I?

Karl.

Where's er... Where's thing?

Well, I told her I was going to your birthday party and she, er...

Well, she hit me with a garlic press. Oh.

I wasn't really ready for a relationship anyway.

Well, if it makes you feel any better, I'm not getting married.

It's off.

God, that's...

Sorry to hear that. That's, er...

Look, here, it's not much.

Well, it is actually.

Thought I'd get you something cheap

and meaningful

but I couldn't find anything,

so I got you something expensive and meaningless. It's a Robo-Sapien.

Oh, Karl! Sorry.

Well, I'd better get going. But...

Oh...

Well, I was thinking, because, er, I was just thinking...

Well, who am I going to talk to? What?

Who am I going to talk to about stuff?

What stuff? Politics.

Politics. You don't talk about politics.

All right, work, or when I've got an idea for a new plotline in EastEnders.

Who am I going to tell it to?

Well, I dunno. Karl, I think I might have made a mistake...

..about you and me.

Stay.

Just for one drink. I don't wanna be friends, Donna.

Neither do I.

I can't do this.

I can't do all this

pub and single and getting drunk and having fun.

I keep trying to have good time, but I just feel lonely.

I feel lonely without you.

What happens if you feel different tomorrow?

I won't.

I wanna be with you.

SHOUTING: Still fucked!

SCREECHING FEEDBACK

# Oh, your hair is beautiful

# Oh, tonight

# Atomic... #