Original subtitles

May I take your keys, ma'am?

Yes, please.

Actually, no.

Sir, would you like to order a cocktail while you wait?

Yes, please.

Actually, no.

I think my blind date is stamping me out.

Hey, Dan.

Hey, Jeannie.

How's your date?

Yeah, it's not happening. Can you tell your friend that I'm bailing?

Blind dates are the worst.

Why do I have to tell him? Because you love giving bad news.

I do.

I really do.

Oh, hey, you know who died?

Bye, Dan. It was my neighbor with the cats.

I think Jeannie is standing me up.

Damn, I wanted to tell you.

It still feels good, though.

I knew it. Blind dates are the worst.

Blind dates are a nightmare, especially at my age.

I couldn't agree more.

Wait.

Jeannie?

James?

Dan didn't tell me you were stunning.

Well, he didn't tell me you had such great taste in women.

Would you like to have dinner?

Only because blind dates are so fun.

So you're a middle school teacher.

Yeah, and I love it. It's wonderful to be in a workplace where I have the best

skin.

Eighth graders get a bad rap, but I love them.

Helping them with all the firsts. There is no breakup more brutal than an eighth

grade breakup.

Wait till you hear about my divorce.

That bad?

Well, not bad so much as scary.

Claudia's terrifying.

I don't talk about her very much because if I say her name three times, she

appears.

Let me guess. You had one of those...

Amicable divorces.

Unfortunately, no.

Oh, it ended badly?

Especially for him. He died.

Oh, I had no idea. No, no, no. It was three years ago. He was devoured by

lions.

Good God.

Actually, it was brain cancer, but that's such a bummer.

So, a professor of what?

Philosophy. I've been working on a book for five years. It's driving me insane,

but I couldn't be happier.

I have a philosophy about that. Which is?

People are either butterflies or gophers. You know, gophers dig down deep

and they focus on one thing.

Butterflies, they just flit around exploring everything.

I'm guessing you're a butterfly.

Oh, yeah.

I am a total gopher.

Noted.

This may be the best roast chicken I have ever had.

Snuff's not bad, but if you think that's the best, you haven't tasted mine.

A man who roasts chicken?

Be still my heart.

I roast carrots, too.

Beets. Root vegetables.

Turnips. I roast the hell out of a turnip.

Can I try something? Oh, my steak?

Yeah, I'm gonna go.

Wait, what?

Are you coming?

That was fun.

Very fun.

I never had to pause for Gatorade before.

I'm going to make us some breakfast.

And then you can do that thing again, only this time on the bed.

My yoni said yes, but my knee said no.

That sounds better than any day I've ever had.

But I have to go.

Where? Norway.

I have a month-long fellowship at the University of Oslo.

Wait, you planned a date for the night before you were leaving for a month? I

didn't think it would go well.

Me neither.

I thought I'd be shimmying out a window, not my panties.

Something very nice.

James, this is my daughter Poppy and my son Lolo.

Gen Z.

Pandemic messed them up.

Guys, this is James, my blind date from last night.

Oh.

Hi. Hey. What's up?

I didn't know you had kids.

You don't talk about us?

Oh, not you.

Your backstory's boring, but mine?

Dude. It's what 90s movies were made of. She was the compassionate teacher.

I was the foster kid who was her star student.

You vaped in class.

You napped during tests.

She adopted me when I aged out so I could get on her insurance.

But the joke's on him because it was teacher's insurance.

James is moving to Norway.

Oh, so it's just a one and done?

We're like a two and a half. Two and a half?

Come on.

I'll walk you out. I really don't want to leave. Is there a chance we could

pick up where we left off when I get home?

I'll think about it.

Did anyone ever tell you you give very misleading kisses?

This is one of the original offices from 18 and 11. I hope it's there like it's

magnificent Yeah That chair is made of leather from

whale penis Don't worry the whale wasn't killed someone just found the penis

washed up on the beach Poor whale

Professor Brennan, when I was assigned to be your teaching assistant, I became

very pleased.

I've always been curious about Los Angeles.

I hear you have sunshine. What's it like?

It's very nice.

Wow. It's like I'm there.

It has always been my dream to be tan.

As a child, I was so white and smooth, my nickname was Milky.

I'll leave you to it one one last thing when I work I need absolute complete

silence otherwise I simply can't concentrate ah understood

His stories are insane.

I mean, how many times can one person fall into a fjord?

It sounds like you're enjoying yourself.

I am.

It's beautiful and quiet, and this month away from my book is just when I need to

come home and finally finish it.

Wow,

you're really excited about my book.

Sorry. It's just, it's a big Clippers game.

Are you a sports fan?

Oh, yeah.

I love the sports.

If you like sports, the Holman-Kulinski Festival is a must.

You must be Arvid.

I am Arvid.

I'm Jeannie, James' girlfriend.

You're my girlfriend?

I'd love to be, but don't make it weird.

Weird? I won't make it weird. The idea that I'd make it weird is what's weird.

To be honest, he's been weird all day.

Arvid. Please hang up.

Very well.

Goodbye, Jeannie.

Bye, Arvid.

Wow, what a voice.

I bet he sings.

I do. Mostly power ballads.

Arvid, hang up.

Not exactly a people person.

We'll work on it.

Hey, Mom. Oh, hey, Pops.

Since when do you wear lipstick?

Since she's been FaceTiming Norway Dude ten times a day.

Is it too much?

It is, right? So it's just too much? I'm going to lose it.

I'm going to plot.

Oh, my God, Mom, you're nervous.

I am, I am, I am. I don't know. Everything just feels so new and

exciting. I'm kind of... I think I'm going to send a... What do you call a

sexy pic?

A mistake.

Hi, I was just going to call you.

Did you get my pic?

What pic?

Just check your text.

Wow.

Nietzsche was wrong. There is a God.

I miss you.

I miss you, too.

I love Norway, but the knights and knights are all starting to run

together.

Well, the good news is I cheered myself up today by breaking into my car.

Classic way to put a smile on your face.

Poppy, Lolo, and I have these lists called things that would be awesome to

know. It just reminds us that the world is full of awesome things.

Wait, I'm going to send you my list.

Lockpicking, ballroom dancing, climbing the Alps. What would be on your list?

When I turned 60, I made a list of things I don't want to do.

That is so gopher of you.

Well, definitely no Alps. I'm terrified of heights. I don't even like the Ricola

commercial.

Jeannie, I think it's you.

You're my entire list.

Come home now.

Love you.

much easier than breaking into a Subaru.

Wow, James.

Fun set.

Claudia.

Claudia? Claudia?

Yes. Oh, God.

I'm... I know who you are.

And good for him, man.

and baby figured out how to hire a maid.

Yeah. I'm sorry for letting myself in. I didn't know that you still lived here.

I used to, but no. I got the beach house, he got this, but I'm here all the

time. And don't mind me, I am merely marking my territory so that James's

new, very young plaything knows that a real woman with a real body lived here.

I heard she's a real hotsy-totsy.

Really? Mm-hmm.

They say she's hotsy and totsy? Yeah.

And probably half his age. Next, he's gonna go keto and start a podcast.

You've met her. What's she like?

She's cool.

And fascinating.

Seems really happy.

So was I, at first. I mean, sex.

was great and good banter. But then it started the tippity-tap, tippity-tap,

tippity-tap. Oh, God, is this a musical? I'm so sorry. I just, I hate musicals.

No. He started writing his book, and he needed it quiet. So for two years, I

crept around my own home, silent. Me, silent.

So he could focus on his philosophical masterpiece, which he's never gonna

finish. Do you know that he doesn't even number the pages so he can keep

reordering the chapters like an obsessive little hermit?

He can't be that much of a hermit. He went to Norway.

Typical man.

Went to Norway. Wouldn't go to therapy.

You know, I think it was harder for him to leave his book than it was our

marriage. And look what I found after he left.

Instructions. Do not read.

As if anybody would want to.

Oh, do not touch.

Whoopsie!

Oh, it's... Oh, this is hefty.

Whoa!

All those pages.

Yeah. That I care about because I'm the cleaning lady.

I gotta go.

Four clients, four time zones.

No rest for the wicked.

That's what they say, but I sleep fine.

A little surprise to welcome you home, love, Jeannie.

Aww.

How did she... Hey, baby.

You want to go for three and a half?

Poppy!

James! What are you doing here? I live here. What are you doing here? What is

happening?

James! James, you... Oh, you're home early. What happened to your nose?

Poppy... Broke it.

Sorry. I thought he was a home invader.

Why would he invade his own home?

I don't know. Why do men do anything?

Go get some ice.

Hey, Norway.

Bro, what happened to your face? That's your moneymaker.

Poppy punched me.

Been there.

Is that my room?

No.

Good call, Mom. The ice really helps.

James, you should get some.

It's for James.

There you go.

Oh, God, this is all my fault. I just broke in to leave some flowers, and then

Claudia showed up. Claudia was here?

Oh, yeah.

She was just spraying and tippity-tapping.

Then she tossed your book. She tossed my book? Yes.

And there were no page numbers, so I... to call the kids to help. You read my

book? No.

It said not to.

I just looked at the top of the pages and the bottom of the pages.

It was like being in the Da Vinci Code.

It's on your desk.

Well, thank you. It's our pleasure.

Would now be a good time to tell you I broke your hot tub?

No. I'll fix it.

I'm on.

I am so sorry. I just wanted everything to be perfect when you got home.

Well, that is a lovely, thoughtful, nightmarishly executed gesture.

But all I need for things to be perfect is to be alone with you.

Oh, that is so beautiful.

But I don't really do alone.

I come with a very big, wild, wonderful family.

We do... things differently. Yeah, I can tell. This is my first floral breaking

and entering slash late night broken hot tub party.

I guess I'm just used to doing my own thing.

I know.

Milky said you left without saying goodbye.

You're in touch with Arvid?

He's really lost.

You just can't stop accumulating people.

I'm a science teacher.

I love adding variables, mixing them all up, see what happens.

I explode things on purpose.

The louder, the better.

And I like spending a quiet month alone with my nose buried in Nietzsche.

Oh, God, I hope you mean a book.

I'm a gopher.

And I'm a butterfly.

This isn't gonna work.

Not sorry to barge in.

I left my coat and the last 15 years of my life.

Well, what's wrong, James?

Chase the hotsy-totsy off already?

Claudia. Please. I am not buying the Mopey Act.

The truth is, you like being alone.

And you're incapable of change.

And that's sad.

But you are still cute.

So, remind me why we broke up again.

You cheated on me.

Oh, right.

Hey.

We made you your favorite fruit and cheese plate.

All cheese, no fruit.

If you miss James so bad, just call him. No.

If I do, I'll try to change him. I'm too old for that.

You're too old for anklets, but that's never stopped you.

I think I just got spoiled by my eighth graders, you know? They're not set in

their ways.

Because they don't have any ways.

Gophers don't change.

Yeah, I'll get it.

The real question is, why aren't you?

Climb the Alps with me.

I thought you were afraid of heights.

Not nearly as afraid as I am of losing you.

We'll all go. Come on, kids.

Why?

Forget them.

Full disclosure, it's just a rock climbing class. I have to start slow.

I can do slow.

I remember.

Well, I think you look great. You're lying.

I am.

For the next hour, I'm your worst nightmare.

I'm just kidding.

You're gonna have fun.

Now, everybody face your partner.

When you're climbing, your partner is the only other person in the world that

matters. Got it? Got it.

Now, climbing has a very specific language designed to keep you safe.

Can anyone tell me the two phrases we use when we climb?

I love you.

I love you, too.

That's incorrect.

The person climbing says, on belay.

And the response is, belay on.

Which means, have you got me?

I've got you. Try it out.

On belay?

Belay on.

Okay.

Next, we're going to learn to tie a simple knot.

Who wants to go first?

What do you say? You want to tie the knot?

Sure.

Not just that knot.

That's correct.

Everybody hear Captain Von Trapp?

We're going to be tying several knots today, people.

Are you saying what I think you're saying?

I am.

Dating is a young person's game. We love each other. We have hot sex.

We can figure out the rest in real time.

Let's do it. Let's do it.

You two, you want to get hitched?

I do. I do.

I feel like I'm missing something.

We're getting married.

Elvis Chapo booked.

Vegas, here we come.

I can't believe we're doing this. I can't believe it took us so long.

James?

You're a pig.

I mean, seriously?

Humping the maid?

What?

Just go with it.