Original subtitles

Now I'm about to show you some very sensitive information the final point

totals each of you achieved for all your actions on earth Well, your point

total was crazy high Eleanor Sorry crazy high Eleanor was my nickname in college.

I accidentally saw these point totals and Michael was fixing a sinkhole gave

me an idea.

We will apply the formula to Eleanor's actions here in the Good Place, and if

you earn enough new points, then we could argue that you should stay here.

Would that work?

Don't know.

Never had to prove someone belonged here before.

But the judge will be here soon, and this is the best way to build our case.

Eleanor, I made you this points tracker last night. It will calculate the moral

value of everything you do here. It's kind of a Fitbit for your soul. Oh, I

used to have a Fitbit.

But I guess now I can't cheat by taping it to the desk fan. You took credit for

the fitness achievements of a desk fan. I only did it to stick it to my stupid

friend, Jen, who said there was no way I'd ever use it.

You showed her.

Now, the average point total for a resident here is roughly 1.2 million.

Right now, based on everything that you did on Earth, you have negative 4,008.

That's not great.

But I'm going to do nice things for every goober in this place until my

point total is so high I can rub it in all their smug faces.

You just lost five points.

Hello.

Hi, how are you?

There has to be something bigger I can do than holding the door and waving.

There's no way every Walmart greeter is in the good place.

Walmart? It's a place regular people go. You haven't heard of it. Look, I know

this is tedious, but holding a door for someone is three points, and if you do

it for everyone in the neighborhood, then that's almost a thousand points,

which is a start.

Besides, all the big-ticket items are impossible, I'm afraid.

It's not as if you could, you know, sacrifice your life to save others or

change the consciousness of a nation.

Both of which I did, by the way.

Such fun.

Have a wonderful day.

This is pointless.

The ticker isn't even going up. And everyone's giving me the stink eye.

Eleanor, everyone hates you.

We'll fork you too.

No, this is good.

Now that we know, we can actually do something about it. And I am an expert

at mediating conflict. Like when my friend's scary, sporty, posh and baby

had an issue with my other friend, Archbishop Desmond Tutu.

Yeah, I don't know what I love more about our morning hard-boiled egg

routine. The eggs or the routine?

Oh, sorry. You know, I was thinking this morning I'd have oatmeal.

Just kidding. Of course it's eggs.

Um, actually, this morning there's a little surprise in yours.

I love you. How cute.

I love you too, egg.

Oh, no, no, Chidi. That's me saying that to you.

I love you.

Oh.

Well, that is something.

I know you've gone through a lot, and now I'm throwing this at you, but I just

had to tell you how I feel.

I love you.

No need to respond. Great.

Well, at some point, you'll respond.

Right? I just meant no rush.

You want to talk about eggs again?

This isn't right.

I'm sorry.

I've never kissed anyone before.

Is one tongue okay? I can add more tongues. No, that's not it.

We're married now, but we still haven't told your dad.

Once again, Michael is not my dad.

And we shouldn't tell him. If Michael finds out that we're married, then he'll

know you're not Tahani's soulmate.

And then he'll know that you're really Jason and not Jianyu.

He'd send you to the bad place.

I don't want to lose you, girl. I'm not a girl. But also, I'm tired of living a

lie. We gotta go public. I hate all this hiding. Kissing inside like losers.

I wish we were in Florida.

Kissing outside.

Near a swamp.

With some old tires in it.

Watching a flamingo trying to mate with somebody's old gun.

I want us to have the life we deserve.

Pillboy, let's talk big picture. You know, I love Jacksonville. J-town.

It's easily one of the top ten swap cities in northeastern Florida, but if

we're gonna make it in the DJ game, we gotta get to Miami.

Miami's expensive.

We just don't got that skrill at B.

I got...

Ten bucks to my name. I spent eight of it on this burrito and the other two on

guac. I know what we gotta do.

We're gonna rob this restaurant.

Great idea.

What if we get caught?

We'll just get married so that no one can testify against us. Dope.

Yo, I got diarrhea. I'll be right back.

Me too. I'll race you.

Best friends!

Thank you all for participating in our focus group for Fake Eleanor. Think of

this as an open forum for you to air any and all grievances that you may carry

against her. I was flying on the second day, and when you caused the trash

storm, I crashed into a rotting turkey carcass, and it exploded.

Oh, dear. All this cartilage and bone got tangled up in my hair, and its beak

got smashed against my nose, and its skin was all over my skin.

I didn't know where I ended and the turkey carcass began.

Well, if it makes you feel any better, your skin looks amazing.

My cafe got destroyed by the giant frog, then I reopened it, and it fell into the

sinkhole.

Just like me.

I fell in, too.

Who else feels that Eleanor has ruined every moment of your existence since you

arrived?

Excellent. I must confer with Eleanor for a tick, so please just enjoy the

lemonade and cookies.

It seems everyone's problem with me is me.

Yes, it would appear that way.

The last moment they were happy was at my party.

I've seen this before.

After one of my events, there's a real endorphin crash.

We have to recreate that party.

We have to take them back to that night before I started affecting the

neighborhood and give them a fresh start.

Yes, of course.

We must throw the perfect party or else we'll be tortured by demons forever.

This will be the fourth most important party I have ever thrown.

Janet.

There you are. Some residents are complaining that you're not responding.

I'm sorry, what's going on? Is that a wedding ring?

Yes. I'm married.

To whom?

Sorry, my protocol forbids me from telling you any private information

about any resident.

Is it that person? John, you, the man standing right there, also wearing a

wedding band?

Dad?

We need to talk.

I just want to make sure that I have this right.

Jianyu is not a Taiwanese monk, but rather someone named Jason Mendoza, a

failed DJ from Jacksonville, Florida. I wasn't a failed DJ. I was pre

-successful. And you two are married. Hells yeah, homie. We love each other.

Just like Romeo and Juliet.

Romeo was the name of my dog and Juliet was the name of my Roomba.

She is my everything.

She makes the bass drop in my heart. And Jason is a person who was near me.

And then he asked me to marry him. And there is nothing in my protocol that

specifically barred that from happening.

So I agreed.

Love you too, babe.

Janet.

Please tell me how this could have happened.

Unclear. As you know, each time I am updated, I accrue new knowledge and

abilities. My suspicion is that when I was rebooted, I bonded with Jason in a

way that I have never bonded with anyone before.

I seem to have gained a new understanding of love.

I also learned how to do this.

I will speak to you later. Go to your void.

Okay. No, Janet, come back! Hi there. Go.

Sure thing.

No! Stop doing that. Me?

Go. Goodbye.

Jenna, come back.

I love you. I love you, too.

That is such fear.

And his problem with me is... Oh, one of the giraffes tried to hump him.

It's going to be hard to keep a straight face tonight.

But then I remember I could be tortured for all of eternity, and that is pretty

sobering.

Hey, can I ask you your advice on something?

Are you sure, dude?

Isn't there someone else better you could ask? Like, literally anyone else?

Well, it's a sensitive matter, and you do know me pretty well. Now, I

understand that our relationship has gotten more complicated recently due to

your feelings being expressed in a way that... Dude, if you do the cheaty thing

where you have to re-explain the entire world before asking a question, we are

both going to grow old and die again.

Out with it.

See? You do know me pretty well.

So, here it is.

Real Eleanor said she loves me.

Hey, man. Nice pull.

She's a great person. I don't know what to do.

I mean, we are soulmates, so I probably do love her. But then again, how do I

know if my motivation is correct? Maybe I think I'm supposed to love her. But if

I tell her that I love her for the wrong reasons, it won't mean anything.

You have a tendency to overthink things.

Turn off that giant brain and just say you love her, too.

You think?

If this were some random person you hooked up with at a Diamondbacks game in

the parking lot behind the porta-potties, not based on a real

example, I would say keep mulling.

But this is your soulmate.

She's universe-approved.

Tell her you love her.

Hey, your score just went up 20 points.

Yeah, because I give great advice.

Now maybe you'll finally listen to me and take off those glasses.

We are in the afterlife, dummy.

Nature's LASIK.

Okay, I think I figured this out.

There is a real Jian Yu, a Taiwanese monk who took an oath of silence at the

age of eight.

But three months ago, he went into such a deep meditative state that he

registered as dead.

And when you died at that exact same moment, our system mistook you for him.

Perhaps because you share the exact same IQ.

Cool. No, not cool. He stopped learning at the age of seven.

Okay.

So now this is sort of a quick litmus test. Basic questions designed to tell

whether you were fundamentally good or bad.

Number one. Did you ever commit a serious crime?

Yes. I blew up a guy's speedboat after he sued me.

And I stole an old lady's fake leg once on a dare.

Did you ever have a personalized license plate? Yeah, dog.

I love butts.

Have you ever paid money to hear music performed by a California funk rock

band, the Red Hot Chili Peppers? Yo, the Chili's? I saw them in concert like 50

times. I once got arrested trying to steal Flea's bass guitar.

Oh, that was another serious crime I committed. I should have mentioned that

earlier. Is it just me, or am I acing this test?

Oh, this is bad.

Oh, this is so, so bad.

Oh, I thought I had everything under control when I found Eleanor, but

somehow you are... you're so much worse. No, don't touch.

Oh.

How does that still work?

Look, I know you're freaking out, but you're Janet's father, and like it or

not, we're family.

Everything's gonna be fine, homie.

I promise.

I don't know, B. What if it doesn't work?

Hey, we thought of everything, except for an alibi and an escape route. But

we'll figure it out as we go. You don't want to overthink these things.

I'm kind of freaking out here.

Pillboy, I got you.

This plan is foolproof.

And when it's over, we can finally have the lives we deserve.

Di giorno.

I am a safe installer.

here to install the safe.

So just point to where the guacamole money is and I'll install the safe in

the, how you say, the place.

Yeah, hi, we're being robbed.

Gee, they're onto us, man. His hat's a golf ball and he's got a terrible

mustache. We need to get married now.

I do.

For always and forever.

I do.

Lighting's nice.

Cocktail shrimp are sitting in a bowl instead of flying through the sky.

So far, so good.

And this music is banging.

Good place, good place, good place, good place. Oh, right. Sorry.

So, uh, did you do that thing that we talked about? I'll get to it as soon as

I finish my drink. That is what you said an hour ago.

I know. Here's my secret. I keep refilling my drink before I'm finished.

Loophole. Respect.

The pose rule. Hey, great party, Eleanor.

Thank you.

You probably didn't have many parties in the bad place, huh? Actually, we had a

party every day. It's what they called it when they pulled you apart with

ropes. Oh, a party.

That's funny.

You probably didn't think so.

Okay. I'm gonna leave you two alone.

So, um...

Have you given any more thought to what I said? Yep.

I have a timetable to say what you want me to say. I have a whole plan. I

understand.

I'll wait for your answer, even if it takes until the end of time.

Which, I guess it could, since that's how long we'll be here.

You okay, Dad?

You look like you took a bad dose of Molly, and I should know. I sold fake

Molly to a lot of people.

Oh, that was another serious crime I committed.

Hello, Michael.

I'd like to inform you that Sean, the judge, will be arriving tomorrow

morning. Thank you, Janet.

Jason, I have to attend Eleanor's party, so I'm going to leave you here in this

locked room.

I'm in jail? No, no, no, no.

This is the good place. We don't put people in jail.

It's just a room where you have been put in the interest of public safety as a

form of punishment and from which there is no exit.

Okay?

Bye.

Elena, for an utter novice, you have thrown a lovely party.

Well, thanks, but it's not working.

Not one more point.

What the fork?

Oh, look, Michael's here. He can help.

Michael, do you do us the honor of saying a few words?

I don't know that I'm in the right frame of mind. Please, they'll listen to you.

Just pay me a few compliments. You know, I'm great, heart of a champion,

basically your muse. You get it.

Attention, everyone.

Michael would like to say a few words.

Hello, everyone.

Good to see you all here.

Mingling around with your various secrets?

Who really knows which of you are who you say you are?

No way to know unless I pull your skeletons out, right?

Okay.

Take her easy.

Yes.

Well said.

Now, we shall hear from tonight's featured guest.

She's kind, she's humble, she's...

The Walmart of friends.

Did I use that word right?

And in a shell straw.

Hi, everyone. I'm Eleanor.

Ah, original flavor, not new and improved.

I know a lot of bad stuff has happened because of me, but I never meant to hurt

you. So if I caused you any harm...

I'm truly sorry.

That's nice, Eleanor, but I still crashed into a turkey carcass. And I

fell into a sinkhole. And my dog got kicked into the sun. What can you

possibly say to us that'll make up for your actions?

Pobuddy's nerfect?

Pobuddy's nerfect?

That's hilarious.

Like, nobody's perfect with the letter switch.

That's very funny. It's nerfect.

Great party, Eleanor.

I hope you get to stay, or should I say, Pobity's nerfect.

That doesn't really apply here.

Well, Pobity's nerfect. Nailed it.

Eleanor?

Great job tonight. Have you checked the ticker? I could really use some good

news. Okay.

Oh, come on.

Well, the nightmare continues.

The nightmare continues.

How did this not work?

There is no way to increase my point total because...

Everything I'm doing is out of self-preservation.

I don't understand.

My motivation is corrupt.

Even when I do nice things, I'm only doing them so I can get something out of

it. The ability to stay here, which means none of this had any real moral

value. It doesn't count.

Holy shirt.

I know what I have to do.

Okay. I am almost done with these personalized I'm sorry notes to everyone

in the neighborhood.

I need you guys to deliver everyone their notes along with those t-shirts.

Well, granted, these are hilarious, but how is this going to help? Just trust

me.

I'm gonna get the points.

Oh, good morning, Dad.

Where you been?

Oh, just walking around, contemplating my failure.

wishing for the sweet release of eternal extinction.

Cool. Hey, why don't you want me to see Janet?

I'm a good guy. All I want is to give Janet the life she deserves.

Janet is not built for human life.

And I'm not sure you're much of a provider.

Do you even remember how you died?

No. Not really.

It's a little fuzzy.

I lived in Florida, so I assume an escaped zoo animal rampaged through a

mini golf course. You and your friend Pill Boy were trying to rob a

restaurant. Pill Boy?

Right. And then the cops showed up.

So the plan was to pretend to install a safe with your friend hiding inside it.

He pops out, steals the money from the restaurant, gets back in the safe.

Then you come in and uninstall it. I refuse to discuss my Fifth Amendment

rights until I concur with your attorney.

Sure.

Look, we found your buddy's plans. We know he was the brains, and you were

just an accomplice.

If you get lucky, you might get probation.

Jason going to jail?

No, ma'am.

Jason's dead.

He's suffocating in that safe.

There are no air holes.

Plus, he did a bunch of whippets while he was in there, which couldn't have

helped. At least he died doing what he loved.

A bunch of whippets.

Now he's never going to get the life he truly deserved.

I think he got roughly what he deserved.

I suffocated to death in a safe?

I'm a moron.

Hey, Janet?

Hi there.

Janet, you need to leave me.

Why? You're the smartest girl in the world. I'm not a girl. And your dad is

an angel. I mean, what a family.

I'm just a dope who died in a safe with a snorkel who's only now realizing

why that didn't work.

You should be with someone better.

I don't deserve you.

Jason, you are all that I care about.

Possibly because I did not have the capacity to care about anything before

you. I love you.

Also, interesting side note, I think I might hate things now, too.

So far, it's genocide and leggings as pants.

This is nuts.

Just weighing in over here, this is bonkers.

You know, everything's falling apart.

The only thing I can think to do is to reboot you again, Janet.

Why? It's the only thing I can think of to do to get rid of this glitch.

Yo, what are you calling a glitch?

It means air, Jason.

Which is what this is. Oh, really?

Is it an error to act unpredictably and behave in ways that run counter to how

you were programmed to behave?

Yes.

Now, you two sit tight.

I'm gonna go murder Janet, and I'll be right back.

Look on the bright side.

When you're rebooted, I can teach you all the Dorito flavors again.

No.

I'm not starting over.

What if he reboots me and we fall out of love?

We have to get out of here right now.

Where do you suppose she is?

I hope she's okay.

You know, the more I work on her case, the more I think she truly belongs here.

I'm sorry that I haven't been able to say what you want me to say, because I

do want to say it.

What's holding you back?

Honestly, my biggest fear is just making sure that my motivation for saying it...

Chidi?

Wow. How did she suddenly... Her motivation changed.

She couldn't earn enough points by apologizing to everyone here because she

was only doing it to earn enough points to stay here.

But she did earn enough points, which means that she's decided not to stay

here, which means... That she's leaving.

Oh, hey, Janet. I was just about to call you. Tim.

Ask you to get me a train to the bad place. Whoa, what?

You have to be a good person to stay here, and I can't become a good person

unless I leave.

You don't belong here.

Jason doesn't belong here.

And now that I can think and feel, I don't belong here either.

Where are you going with this? There is a woman named Mindy St. Clair who lives

in a neutral zone by herself.

It's neither a good place nor a bad place.

A medium place?

Dude, that's where I belong. I've been saying that since day one. It's where

Jason and I are going.

Would you like to come with us to Mindy's house?

Yeah, let's go hang with Mindy. That sounds great. Love her. Huge fan.

Call the train.

Look, there it is now.

I did not call that train. That train belongs to Sean, the judge.

Who's coming here to judge you? Can you make that train go to Mindy's house?

Yep. Then we have to go.

Right now. I just have to run home real quick and hit save on the Madden game I

was playing because Blake Bortles has like 300 yards passing in the first

half.

Sean. Michael.

Sorry I wasn't here to greet you. I, uh, had something I needed to tend to. It

can wait. It can wait.

Okay, I've hacked into the mainframe.

Kidding. I can't hack into the mainframe. Technically, I am the

mainframe. Would you just hurry up?

I'm here to rule on the fate of fake Eleanor Shellstrop. Yes, yes. Um, I

think we have a rock-solid case for fake Eleanor.

I truly believe she's a good person. Are you sure?

Because I believe she's stealing my train.

I'm sorry, Michael.

Sorry, everyone.

Well, not great for my case.