Original subtitles

You, Eleanor Shellstrop, are dead.

Cool. Eleanor, you are my soulmate. There's been a big mistake.

I'm not supposed to be here.

Wait, what?

These people might be good, but are they really that much better than me?

Eleanor, this is all happening because of you.

Give me a chance. Let me earn my place here.

Let me be your ethical guinea pig. My soul is in your hands, soulmate.

I, uh, I don't know what to do here. This is a mess, morally speaking.

This is a putrid, disgusting bowl of ethical soup. Okay, well, how about we

just chill and go to the town meeting and talk it out after? Great.

Hey, how do I make that helper woman show up?

Hello? Front desk lady?

Magical slave robot?

Excuse me, Janet?

Hi there.

Still not used to it. Um, Janet, I need... Quick question.

Can anyone access our search history, or is this an incognito browsing situation

like when you're stalking a hot mailman from your work computer?

It is 100% confidential.

No one can access what you ask me, including Michael. Now, what kind of

pornography would you like to see?

No, no, no, no, not porn. I, um, I need clothes. Like yours and Chidi's with the

stripes.

There you go.

Everybody, everybody, gather around, please. Thank you, thank you.

Obviously, there's something very wrong with this neighborhood.

We don't know what it is, how long it will last, or what caused it. What do we

know, Janet?

We know where it happened.

Here. Yes, thank you, Janet. The chaos happened here.

See, that's the trouble with these perfect systems. One little flaw can

lead to... Well, it can lead to...

Gary over there.

Hey, Gary.

Hang in there, buddy.

My armpits are leaking.

What is that called again?

Sweat. Right, right. Still not used to being in a human body. And what do you

do with sweat?

Do you lick it away? Is that right?

No, you dab it with a cloth.

Oh, right.

And then you lick the cloth?

That seems weirder.

Michael!

Look!

Okay, that's a good sign.

It could mean that this is almost over. Oh, such relief.

That was my first time as a fashion don't, and I did not care for it.

Okay, things are settling down outside.

I think it's time to make me good, partner.

How do we do it? Is there a pill I can take or something I could vape?

Where did you get a chalkboard? It's the good place. You can get anything you

want at any time. And you chose a chalkboard?

What are you reading?

The Metaphysics of Morals by Immanuel Kant.

It's a treatise on the aesthetic preconditions of the mind's receptivity

to duty.

It's a book on how to act good. Oh, great.

So you've decided to help me. I don't know.

There's a thousand questions.

Is there a moral imperative?

to help you? Do I have a greater obligation to my community? Are you

taking someone else's spot? Someone who deserves to be here? Ooh, on that

question, I honestly think I was just put here by mistake.

Because Michael called me Eleanor Shellstrop, so he knows I'm me.

He's just wrong about my overall quality level.

Please help me, man. I swear I am worth it.

Tell me one fact that you know about me.

We spent the whole day together. You must remember something.

What country am I from?

Is it racist if I say Africa?

Yes, and Africa is not a country. I am from Senegal. Do I have any siblings?

Where did I go to college?

Trick question.

You didn't. I was literally a college professor.

Do you not remember one single thing about me? Dude, things have been nuts

around here. I bet you don't know anything about me. You were born in

Phoenix. You went to school in Tempe. You're an only child. Your favorite show

was something called The Real Housewives of Atlanta. And your favorite book... is

Kendall Jenner's Instagram feed.

How did you know all that? Because you are constantly talking about yourself.

You are the most self-obsessed person I have ever met.

You should see Kendall Jenner's Instagram feed.

This is my fear about you, Eleanor. You are too selfish to ever be a good

person. Well, I think you're wrong.

What country am I from again?

Sensodyne. That is a brand of toothpaste.

Look, the only thing that you are concerned with is your own happiness.

That's your problem.

Okay, names in the hat. Time to pick a designated driver.

And the loser is... Betsy.

Wait, you never get picked and you're always the one who draws the name. Let

me see that. There's no need.

Everyone here believes in my integrity 100%. Right, guys?

Give it to me.

For the record, I did that out of principle because it absolutely had your

name on it. If I check the other ones, I can figure it out by process of

elimination.

Again, out of principle.

Let it wash over you, Betsy. This is what integrity looks like.

All right, everyone, let's get started.

Things have settled down.

So hopefully we're off and running.

Welcome to Orientation Day 2. Now, today we're going to start with something that

everyone has always wanted to do.

Flying.

Now that you're dead, let's live a little, right?

Sorry, Michael, if I might. I was just thinking, earlier today in all of the

chaos, large swaths of this neighborhood were destroyed.

We thought perhaps some of us could volunteer to help clean up the debris.

You know, it's quite a fun way to band together as a community.

Isn't that right, Gianni?

Oh, yes, sorry. For those of you who don't know, my soulmate Gianni here is a

Buddhist monk. He took a vow of silence that he's still observing, even here in

the good place.

It's truly inspiring.

Well, Tahani, it's not really your job to clean up, but I suppose there's no

harm if you really want to?

Well, hurrah!

We need about, uh, 12 volunteers.

Oh. I can't believe all these people are passing on flying to pick up garbage all

day.

Have fun, nerds.

I'll be soaring through the air like a forking bird.

Eleanor and I would love to help. Ah, hurrah, hurrah, yay!

You want to prove you're not selfish?

Here's the perfect test.

There's something fun that you want to do, and then there's something less fun

that people are doing for the common good.

Which do you choose?

Maybe suck, probably.

Well, I wouldn't call it fun. I'd say it's like 50 million simultaneous

orgasms. But better.

How's volunteer garbage pickup?

About the same.

Great.

You know, this really reminds me of my time in Vietnam picking up mortar shells

with my godmother, Diana.

Doesn't really matter what she's a princess of. It's not really important.

So, honey, how goes the cleaning?

Oh, swimmingly, Michael. And I have to say, this neighborhood that you've built

is truly a masterpiece, the likes of which I've never seen. And I've been to

Johnny Depp's private bird sanctuary.

Well, thank you. That's very kind of you to say.

But it's also dead wrong.

This neighborhood is a disaster.

See, I must have made a mistake somewhere, and it led to all this chaos,

and now I'm just terrified that it's going to happen again.

I'm trying to put a good face on...

Well, this face that I've constructed for myself.

But the truth is, I'm just miserable.

I have to go.

Thank you so much for your service.

Oh, no.

Powerful people do not handle failure well. Michael could be heading for a

total meltdown.

Soulmate, are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Shall we say it at the same time? All right.

One, two, three. We must help Michael.

Oh, you... Sly devil.

Keep me on my toes, aren't you? All right, come on. Let's go.

Oh, boy. Hey, Gunner. Hey, Antonio.

Hey, Eleanor. Isn't this great? Um, yeah. When I thought of the afterlife, I

totally pictured being an unpaid, non-flying janitor. Us too.

You guys are so fun.

Just relentlessly fun. I keep thinking, when are they going to stop being fun?

And the answer is never.

You're never going to stop.

Well, I have had a pretty full day of being unselfish. I've made some new

friends. My area is almost garbage-free.

So you're going to help me figure out how to stay, right?

Well, that is a really tough question.

Most great philosophers would say...

helping you is pointless, that you can't try to be good, especially when your

motivations are so obviously corrupt.

Yeah, but what do most great philosophers know? On the other hand,

Aristotle thought that moral virtue is something that you could get better at.

He compared it to playing the flute. The more you practice, the more you improve.

Aristotle, that's my boy right there.

He was the best. I mean, most people agree he was the best one.

So it sounds to me like you are on board the Help Eleanor train.

Well, I've narrowed it down to two possibilities.

Yes. No.

Well, no worries. Just hit me up when you're done weighing my life in your

hands. I'll just keep doing what I do best, being super considerate and

selfless.

Hey, guys. Okay, Eleanor, reminder, we switched to a rotating system for

choosing a designated driver, and it's your turn.

Got it.

Full disclosure, I forgot we were doing this new system. I got off work early.

I've been here for about an hour and I'm already pretty drunk.

Someone else will do it. Good call.

Guess the only place I'll be driving is through the giant loophole in the system

I accidentally discovered.

I can't believe they've managed to mix one million flavors together, and yet

somehow I can taste each individual one. It's remarkable.

I got no flavor.

That's all I deserve, really. No.

Look, I appreciate you trying to cheer me up. I really do, but you don't

understand. This was the very first neighborhood that I got to design.

It was my chance to prove myself, and now I've blown it. You know, sometimes a

flaw can make something even more beautiful.

Like with... Cindy Crawford and how short she is. Oh, Tahani, if I made one

tiny mistake in my design, if there's a single glitch in the system, if even one

blade of grass is angled a fraction of a degree off,

the whole neighborhood is compromised.

Whose dog is that?

Guys? Whose dog is that?

Whose dog is that?

See, this is one of those glitches I was talking about.

Nice try, puppy.

That was a close one.

Teacup!

Have you seen my dog?

Shouldn't these be magical trash bags?

I'm finished with cleanup, and I'm ready to fly.

How do I start? Hop on the launch pad and conjure an image that brings you

pure joy.

Some people think of their wedding day or favorite vacation spot.

People puking on roller coasters.

People puking on roller coasters.

It's working!

Ow! What the fork?

Janet, any chance this is a scheduled trash storm?

So here's the situation, Pavita.

I kind of kicked your dog into the sun. But I got her back.

Everything... Everything seems fine.

Teacup, thank goodness you're okay. Everyone, it is merely a construct of a

dog. It feels no pain or joy or love.

Teacup doesn't love me?

Oh! Oh, no, no, no, no, no. It definitely feels love.

Do you actually want a dog that loves you a little bit more? Because I can

kick her right back into the sun and get you another one just like that. No.

Oh, boy. I'm making things worse.

Okay. All right. That's all right. Breathe.

Breathe. If you breathe.

If you do, then just breathe. Because everything's fine, Michael. It's fine.

It's raining garbage.

Run.

No, no, no. I don't want to run this thing.

before you say anything.

That's it. I just don't want you to say anything. What did you do?

Nothing. It just started raining trash out of nowhere for no reason at all.

Okay, fine, fine.

My bag broke, and I ditched the trash instead of taking it all the way to the

dumpster. But in my defense, there were only five minutes left in flying, and I

wanted to go flying.

How is that a defense? You made a bad choice.

I made a bad choice? We could have...

You've literally been flying, and all you wanted to do was talk about morals.

I mean, you're like the worst part of Superman.

This is a relief.

I can stop my deliberations. You are a selfish person, and it is pointless to

help you. You are on your own.

How about this trash, Storm Gunner? More cleaning up to do. It's a dream come

true.

We're okay.

You can't die here.

Come on. I mean, even you have to admit, these guys are psycho.

I don't know what's happening to me. I mean, it's my duty to be calm and in

control, and I'm falling apart.

No, Michael, you are a paragon of fortitude. You're a mountain of

strength.

I'm not a mountain of strength.

I'm a canyon full of poo-poo.

Johnny, the...

of this neighborhood has just referred to himself as a canyon full of poo-poo.

Surely now you will say something. Grace us with your vocalized wisdom. Please,

I'm begging you.

Oh.

Yes. Yes, I understand.

The strength is inside me.

It's been there all along.

No, of course. I can overcome any obstacle.

Oh, thank you, Jian Yu. Thank you.

I'm back.

You did it!

Oh, you have so much to teach me. Maybe I should try to be silent, too.

No, really.

Look, here I go.

That was wonderful. So cleansing.

Just water tonight, huh?

Designated driver.

Yeah, it sucks.

I think it's awesome. I mean, someone's got to do it, right?

I think it's a cool thing to do for people.

Yeah. No, I meant it sucks that I can't do it more often.

I actually prefer it to drinking.

Staying sober and knowing my friends will get home safe.

That's my buzz.

Hey guys, good news and bad news. See that hot bartender over there? He's into

me and we're gonna bang it out. The bad news is it means I can't drive you guys

home. But I did call a cab for you guys, but they recognized my number and they

didn't want to come.

I've thrown up in a lot of cabs.

So are we good here?

Eleanor, you have a very important choice to make. If you blow us off, you

are banned from Thursday night drinks forever.

Yeah, I'm good with that. I'll see you guys at work.

Peace. You, let's go.

How did you know I was here?

I saw you from my window.

That's where I live, by the way.

Not that you ever asked.

What are you doing?

I went to all the places where I dumped trash earlier and cleaned it up so it

couldn't be traced back to me.

Well, it looks like you cleaned up everything.

You're doing this because you feel bad.

And you're not even doing it to get me to help you anymore because I told you

that's not going to happen.

Okay, yeah, fine. I felt bad for stupid Gunner and stupider Antonio and the

whole neighborhood.

I felt bad about what I did. It was a weird feeling.

Not used to it. Didn't love it.

Well, feeling remorse about being wrong isn't as good as just doing something

right, but it's a start.

Look, I think you're capable of change, and I will help you try.

Oh, wow, man, I swear I won't let you down. Hi there.

I've collected the worst smelling garbage that I could find. Do you still

want me to dump it inside of Antonio's house?

What?

No. I did not tell you to do that. You're a loco, girlfriend.

Okay, I won't let you down starting now.

Ah, Eleanor. Good morning.

Michael, do you know what the best part about this place is? You figured out how

to make a to-go cup.

that doesn't leak right where the seam meets the lid. Oh, I'm so glad you

noticed. I was very proud of that. One of the hardest problems I had to solve.

Ellen, I know what you did.

Cleaning up the entire neighborhood by yourself.

I knew you were special, but this is proof.

Well, I was just doing my part, you know?

And since I'm special, your words, I didn't get to fly.

I'm sorry. No, I've had to ban flying for a thousand years. Too many injuries.

One resident hit a rotting turkey carcass at a thousand miles an hour. It

just exploded into this fireball of turkey flesh and bones and sinew.

Anyway, enjoy your coffee. And the cup.

So, I have moved out of my apartment officially and into your guest room.

Figured it would cause less suspicion and make things easier for our good

person lessons.

Cool. Uh, just FYI, I'm a very loud snorer. And I like to drip dry in the

nude, so eyes to yourself, perv. Okay, fine. Now, you got a long way to go to

pull this off. It will take hours and hours of studying ethics and moral

philosophy.

We're gonna have assignments and quizzes and papers. It's gonna be so much fun.

Remind me what I'm getting out of this again.

You get to avoid eternal damnation. Oh, yeah, right.

Hey, I got you a present. What?

Senegal.

That's not a present. That's just common decency. Yeah, but I fork and nailed it.

Good talk.

Fromulon.