Original subtitles

Eleanor, come on in.

Hi, Eleanor.

I'm Michael.

How are you today?

I'm great.

Thanks for asking.

Oh, one question.

Where am I? Who are you, and what's going on?

Right. So, you, Eleanor Shellstrop.

are dead. Your life on Earth has ended, and you are now in the next phase of

your existence in the universe.

Cool.

Cool. I have some questions.

Thought you might.

How did I die?

I don't remember.

Yes. In cases of traumatic or embarrassing deaths, we erase the memory

to allow for a peaceful transition.

Are you sure you want to hear?

All right, so you were in a grocery store parking lot. You dropped a bottle

of something called Lonely Gal Margarita Mix for one. And when you bent down to

pick it up, a long column of shopping carts that were being returned to the

shopping cart collection area rolled out of control and plowed right into you.

Oof.

That's how I died. No, sorry. There's more.

You were able to grab onto the front of the column of shopping carts, but it

swept you right out into the street where you were struck and killed by a

mobile billboard truck advertising an erectile dysfunction pill called

Engorgelade.

Funnily enough, the first EMT to arrive was an ex-boyfriend of yours. Okay, I

get it. Thank you. Um, so who was right?

I mean, about all of this?

Well, let's see.

Hindus are a little bit right, Muslims a little bit, Jews, Christians, Buddhists.

Every religion guessed about 5%, except for Doug Forsett.

Who's Doug Forsett? Well, Doug was a stoner kid who lived in Calgary during

the 1970s. One night, he got really high on mushrooms, and his best friend Randy

said, hey, what do you think happens after we die?

Doug just launched into this long monologue where he got like 92% correct.

We couldn't believe what we were hearing. That's him, actually, right up

there. He's pretty famous around here.

I'm very lucky to have that.

So, maybe my biggest question.

Am I... I mean, is this... Or...

Well, it's not the heaven or hell idea that you were raised on.

But generally speaking, in the afterlife, there's a good place and

there's a bad place.

You're in the good place.

You're okay, Eleanor.

You're in the good place.

Well, that's good.

Sure is.

Okay, let's take a walk, shall we?

Oh, did I have a purse?

No, I'm dead. Right. Okay.

So, are you... I mean, this sounds like a crazy question, but are you God?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. There are many levels above me, Eleanor, before

you get to the Supreme Commander Zortrax, the merciless frog god, long

may he reign.

I'm kidding.

I'm sorry.

No, no, no, no, no. It's not a giant frog.

Oh, phew.

No, it's just my little joke.

Seriously, though, I'm not a god, Eleanor. I'm an architect.

And I designed this neighborhood.

So this is how it works. The Good Place is divided into distinct neighborhoods.

Each one contains exactly 322 people who have been perfectly selected to blend

together into a blissful, harmonic balance.

Do all the neighborhoods look like this? No, every neighborhood is unique.

Some have warm weather, some cold, some are cities, some farmland. But in each

one, every blade of grass, every ladybug, every detail has been precisely

designed and calibrated for its residents.

There's a lot of frozen yogurt places.

Yeah, that's the one thing we put in all the neighborhoods.

People love frozen yogurt. I don't know what to tell you.

You're going to have a million more questions, I know. Right now, better

grab a seat. The movie's about to begin.

Hello, everyone, and welcome to your first day in the afterlife.

You were all, simply put, good people. But how do we know that you were good?

How are we sure?

During your time on Earth, Every one of your actions had a positive or a

negative value, depending on how much good or bad that action put into the

universe. Every sandwich you ate, every time you bought a magazine, every single

thing you did had an effect that rippled out over time and ultimately created

some amount of good or bad.

You know how some people pull into the breakdown lane when there's traffic, and

they think to themselves, ah, who cares? No one's watching.

We were watching.

Surprise!

Anyway, when your time on Earth has ended, we calculate the total value of

your life using our perfectly accurate measuring system.

Only the people with the very highest scores, the true cream of the crop, get

to come here, to the good place.

What happens to everyone else, you ask?

Don't worry about it. The point is, you are here because you lived one of the

very best lives that could be lived. And you won't be alone.

Your true soulmate is here, too.

That's right.

Soulmates are real. One of the other people in your neighborhood is your

actual soulmate. And you will spend eternity together.

So welcome to eternal happiness.

Welcome to the good place.

Sponsored by...

Otters holding hands while they sleep. You know the way you feel when you see a

picture of two otters holding hands?

That's how you're going to feel every day.

So who's in the bad place that would shock me?

Ah, well, Mozart.

Picasso, Elvis, basically every artist ever.

Every U.S. president except Lincoln.

That sounds about right. Walt Disney.

Really? Oh, yeah, yeah. They went to town on Disney.

He has to spend eternity in a broken-down boat on the small world ride

with eight very tired children, and they made it so he really has to pee.

What about Florence Nightingale? That was close, but no, she didn't make it.

Wow, all those amazing people.

Down there, it just seems so hard to believe.

Again, it's an incredibly selective system. Most people don't make it here.

But you, a lawyer who got innocent people off death row, you're special,

Eleanor.

And by the way, welcome to your new home.

Oh, it's perfect, isn't it? You see, in the good place, every person gets to

live in a home that perfectly matches his or her true essence.

Cool.

So, I guess that's why my house, for example, is this adorable little

cottage, whereas other people might have homes that are bigger.

Like that one.

Exactly. Oh, I'm so happy you get it.

As you can see, the interior has been decorated just as you like it, in the

Icelandic primitive style.

Oh, oh, and, uh, of course, you love clowns, so... I do love

clowns. Now, let me show you the video system here.

You can review everything that happened in your life from your point of view.

There we go.

This is your human rights mission to Ukraine.

I mean, you got a ton of points for that one. It really puts you over the top.

Chidi, come on in.

Eleanor, I'm Chidi Anagonye.

And you are my soulmate.

Cool, bring it in, man.

Now, excuse me. I have other people to attempt to.

So where are you from, Judy?

Well, I was born in Nigeria, raised in Senegal. But my work took me all over

the place.

Australia, Hong Kong, Paris.

What about you?

Well, I was born in Phoenix, Arizona.

And then I went to school in Tempe.

arizona and then i moved back to phoenix arizona your english

is amazing oh i'm actually speaking french this place just translates

whatever you say into a language the other person can understand so it's

incredible and now i want to say this okay eleanor I have spent

my entire life in pursuit of fundamental truths about the universe, and now we

can actually learn about them together as soulmates.

It's overwhelming.

Chidi, you'll stand by my side no matter what, right?

Of course I will.

Promise me. Say, I promise I will never betray you for any reason.

Eleanor, I swear that I will never say or do anything to cause you any harm.

Good. Because those aren't my memories. I wasn't a lawyer. I never went to the

Ukraine. I hate clowns.

There's been a big mistake.

I'm not supposed to be here.

Wait, what?

Are you sure this isn't you? Yeah, man. I'm pretty sure I wasn't a death row

lawyer who collected clown paintings and rescued orphans.

They got my name right, but nothing else. I mean, somebody royally forked

up.

Somebody forked up.

Why can't I say fork? If you're trying to curse, you can't hear. I guess a lot

of people in this neighborhood don't like it, so it's prohibited.

That's bullshit. So, uh, if you're not this person, then who are you? What did

you do for a living?

I was in sales.

So, we sell two products here, Naser Pro and Naser Pro Silver.

We aim this at seniors.

Now, you can't legally call it medicine because it doesn't technically work.

And it is technically chalk.

So, what you're going to want to do... You need me to lie to old people and

scare them into buying fake medicine. I get it, man. Which one's my desk?

So, your job was to defraud the elderly.

Sorry, the sick.

And elderly.

But I was very good at it. I was the top salesperson five years running.

Okay, but that's worse.

I mean, you do get how that's worse, right?

Maybe it's a test.

Maybe if you go to Michael and you tell him the truth, you'll pass the test and

you'll get to stay.

No way. I can't risk going to the bad place. Okay, well, maybe it's not

actually, like, all that bad.

Let's just get some information first. We'll ask Janet. Hey, Janet?

Hi there. How can I help you?

What the fork? Who are you?

I'm Janet.

I'm the informational assistant here in the Good Place.

She's like this walking database.

You can ask her about the creation of the universe or history. Oh, there was a

guy who lived in Avondale, Arizona around 2002.

His name was Kevin Paltonic.

Is he gay? No.

Really?

Huh. I guess he just didn't want to have sex with me.

That's correct.

Well, that's fine. I wasn't that into him anyway.

Yes, you were.

Okay, Janet, I have a question. Okay. What is the bad place like? Oh, sorry.

That is the one topic I'm not allowed to tell you about.

I can only play you a brief audio clip of what is happening there right now.

Okay.

The bear has pooped out!

Well, it doesn't sound awesome.

Does everyone have a huge house except me?

All right, we need a plan. I say we just lie low and hope that they don't notice

me. I'm sorry. I don't think I can help you. I just don't like being dishonest,

and I can't advise you to be dishonest either. Come on! I'm just asking you to

fudge a little bit. You must have told a few white lies in your life.

I mean, what was your job?

I was a professor of ethics and moral philosophy.

Motherforker!

I'm getting a stomachache.

I'm in a perfect utopia.

And I have a stomach ache. This is awful.

I think I have to tell Michael about this. Tell Michael about what?

Michael, hi!

What have you been up to?

Oh, you know, just settling everyone into eternal paradise.

Sure, sure.

Eleanor, Chidi, I would like you to meet Tahani and Jianyu. They are soulmates

and your next-door neighbors.

Hello. Can I just say, I love your house. It's just so...

tiny and cute.

It's like a little child's play thing. It's a bit like one of those tinker toy

houses, isn't it? Like for a family of mice or for a very fancy little dog. I

love it. It's just so sweet and teensy.

Just like you.

Boop. Oh. Oh.

You booped me.

I did.

That's fine.

Oh, the thought of you four amazing people living next to each other for

eternity just, it brings joy to my heart. Oh.

I almost forgot.

Tahani and Jianyu are having a little welcome party tonight, and they've

invited the entire neighborhood.

Is that because your house is so big it can fit everybody?

Exactly, yes.

But also because I simply adore entertaining.

I just adore it. Don't I just adore it, Jianyu?

Oh, yes, by the way, Jianyu here is a Buddhist monk, you see, and he obeys a

strict code of silence.

So when you see him smiling and nodding, that's actually his way of jumping up

and down with glee. Isn't that right, darling?

So we'll see you tonight.

Great. Yes.

This is a sweet dress, right?

Yeah. I had Janet fetch it for me. Instant, on demand, everything free.

This place is the best.

No way.

My entire house could fit in this room.

Okay, help me out here. Tell me one good thing that you did on Earth.

Just one truly kind and decent act so that I can feel better about helping you

out.

Let's forget about good.

Just tell me something neutral about yourself.

Like, tell me about the day before you died. What do you remember?

Do you have a second to talk about the environment? Do you have a second to eat

my farts?

You missed.

Pick it up if you're so horny for the environment.

I don't remember anything specific.

Oh. Look, I might not have been a saint, but it's not like I killed anybody.

I wasn't an arsonist. I never found a wallet outside of an IHOP and thought

about returning it, but saw the owner lived out of state, so just took the

cash and dropped the wallet back on the ground.

Okay, that's really specific, and that makes me think that you definitely did

do that. All I'm saying is...

These people might be good, but are they really that much better than me?

Well, I spent half my life in North Korea fighting for women's rights, and

the other half in Saudi Arabia fighting for gay rights.

So he said, if the UN won't remove those landmines, we will.

And we dug up over a thousand unexploded landmines from the area surrounding the

orphanage. Well, then he said, you can't give me both your kidneys, you'll die.

And I said, but you will live. And I know we just met on this bus ten minutes

ago, but you seem nice.

Forget it. Heading to the bar.

Hey, Janet. Hey, how can I help?

Um, I've had eight glasses of wine and I don't feel anything.

Um, can we not get drunk here? It's suddenly very important that I get

drunk. Our default setting is that alcohol has no effect. If you want it to

affect you, all you have to do is think to yourself... Got it. On it.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I promise I won't take up too much time here.

As Shakespeare once said, brevity is the soul of wit.

Although he's actually... So we can ignore that advice.

You all know that I am the architect of this neighborhood.

But what you don't know is... Golly, I'm not supposed to tell you this, but...

Oh, what the heck.

This is actually the very first neighborhood that I have ever designed.

I have been an apprentice for over 200 years.

and my boss has finally given me my first solo project.

Yes!

Hold on there, Ace. Let me get more of them, Shrampy. Easy.

For everybody, right? Yes, exactly.

And you deserve a perfect world because every single one of you

is a good person.

That's it for me. Back to you, Donnie.

Bravo, Michael! Bravo!

And I would just like to quickly say, if any of you would like to play tennis

tonight, we have 36 regulation grass tennis courts. Such fun!

Cheers!

I'm just a big, beautiful, utterly perfect cartoon giraffe.

Oh, okay, okay.

I think it's time to go home.

Wait, wait, wait. I just have to go upstairs real quick and steal a bunch of

gold stuff.

Okay, don't do that.

Don't do that.

Hello,

creepy house that I hate.

Hello, one million clowns.

Why aren't there stairs here?

Did you fill your bra with shrimp?

No.

Yes. Whatever.

It's freaking heaven.

I'm sure they have plenty of shellfish.

That Tahani is a real butthead, huh?

Hey! At least I can still say butthead. Ugh, she is a butthead.

Found some pajamas?

Chidi. Chidi. Chidi.

I'm sorry that you had to deal with this.

It's okay.

It's not, though.

Do you think anybody cared that I died?

Maybe someone did.

I don't know.

I was an only child.

My parents were divorced when I was a kid. They were both crummy people, so

they're probably in the bad place.

Maybe they're being used to torture each other.

It would work.

I bet way more people cared that you died.

Because you're a nice person.

You're a nice person, Chidi.

Anaconda.

Anaconda.

Anaconda.

Anaconda.

Say it again. Anaconda. No, say what you said before.

I did.

Anaconda. You just changed it. I didn't change it. It's my name. Grande.

Ariana Grande.

That's a person. I did it.

Good night.

Good night.

Well, that's terrifying.

30

glasses of

wine and no hangover.

This place rules.

Michael, was that giant, terrifying ladybug supposed to be there?

Ah, well, great question, Tahani.

No. No, it's not.

I have no idea why any of this is happening or how to control it. Should

we run away, then?

Yes Cheaty!

Cheaty! What's going on?

Why are there giant animals everywhere?

Do you hear Ariana Grande playing?

wearing blue and yellow.

You're not.

You're the only one who's not.

Eleanor, this is all happening because of you.

Ah, fork me.

Okay, okay. We don't know this is because of me. Eleanor, this place is a

perfectly made Swiss watch, and you are a wrench in the gears. Actually, you're

a hammer, just smashing the gears in the dust.

Oh, hang on.

here is perfect, okay? Tahani is totally condescending, and there are a couple

of, you know, chunksters.

Oh, come on! No judgment! I'm just saying I'm not the only one with flaws.

So how can we be sure this is my fault? You hogged all the shrimp, and now there

are shrimp flying around.

You called Tahani a giraffe, and now there are giraffes everywhere. Okay,

fine. Turns out there are many ways to know that it was me. Let's just face it,

Eleanor, you don't belong here.

This system sucks.

What, one in a million gets to live in paradise and everyone else is tortured

for eternity?

Come on.

I mean, I wasn't freakin' Gandhi, but I was okay.

I was a medium person.

I should get to spend eternity in a medium place, like Cincinnati.

Everyone who wasn't perfect but wasn't terrible should get to spend eternity in

Cincinnati. Look, apparently it doesn't work that way.

I'm sorry, Eleanor, but there's nothing anyone can do.

There is something we can do, unless you could teach me.

Teach you what? How to be good.

That was your job, right? A professor of ethics?

No one knew I was a problem when I arrived.

Things only started getting crazy after I was an asshole to everyone at the

party. You know I'm trying to say asshole and not ash-hole, right? I got

that, yes. Okay, give me a chance.

Let me earn my place here.

You spent your life wondering what makes someone good or bad.

Now you have the perfect test case. Let me be your ethical guinea pig.

Hey, guys, emergency neighborhood meeting now.

We'll be right there, Michael.

If I walk out of here in these clothes, I'm toast.

My soul is in your hands, soulmate.

What's it going to be?

Oh, stomachache.