Original subtitles

Got to get my proteins up for the big game!

It's also Barb's big election day.

Everyone is feeling very nervous. And horny.

Oh yeah! She wants me! Bye-bye, virginity!

Okay team, carbo load up! Yes! Semifinals!

Okay, listen up.

- Ooh, yum-yum! - As we are all aware,

the Red Jox are the best team in the league.

But if we crush them and grind their bones to dust,

we might have a chance of making the championship

for the first time in Brovary history!

- Yes! - Yeah!

- Yeah! - Now, they are faster than us,

they're stronger than us, more agile.

But...?

No but. They are better than us in every single way.

- Well, we have more spirit! - Spirit doesn't win games.

Well, my favourite underdogs from the classic 90s film

Cool Runnings might say otherwise.

Feel de riddim, feel de rhyme!

Stop! For your own sake, stop.

We need to lock the frig in! Yeah!

Yeah? I, we, have come too far,

sacrificed too much to lose this close

to the championships. I can taste it!

Yes, Joanne! I can taste it, too!

Although, that might be like the b-bag

from the huge tub of little shrimps that I just ate.

- Who you calling little shrimp? - Ah! Barbie! Hey.

God damn!

Sorry, does anybody

have a cigarette? Do you have a cigarette?

- Uh, no. - No.

Nobody smokes? God! Losers.

Looks like you got an early

lead on the polls, Barb. - Oh fuck!

I mean, of course, I'm a Barbaretti!

We're winners, hello?

- You good, Barb? - You kids are always

so obsessed with, are you feeling safe?

Do you feel safe? I'm fine, ding-dong!

I'm fine! Are you okay?

Uh, I think you have a game on, by the way!

And, that's a bracelet. Ahh, but you should be there.

So, let's go! And we'll meet back here,

when we're all winners!

Okay...

Okay, bye!

Oh my God, we gotta go,

we gotta go! Get your stuff! - Yeah! Get the stuff.

It's bobsled time!

Joanne!

Alright Brovs, listen up! Listen up.

We're not here to have fun.

We are here to destroy, dominate, and conquer!

That's right!

Okay, we're gonna stay hydrated,

and we're gonna make the Red Jox regret

ever signing up for beer league!

Joanne! I love the intensity from you today!

- Is she okay? - Everyone seems a little

on edge today. - Don't say "edge"!

Why not?

I fucked Pretty Boy JR

last week, again! And, after the whole

Kim and Tate Callaway debacle, I decided I probably

need a bit of a sex cleanse. - Okay.

I am one week in, and down so bad,

I tried eye-fucking my barista this morning!

- Any other trigger words? - Yeah, yeah, if you could avoid

uh, anything like "friction", "tension" or "release".

- Okay. - Hey guys, I had a really

hot dream last night!

Oh God, I'm out!

- About who? - Um, Joanne!

- Joanne? - Yeah, it's weird, right?

Mmm, what happened in the dream?

Okay, well, we were in the storage closet,

organizing equipment, except we were actually

diapering helmets like they were newborns,

and Joanne was singing Cheek To Cheek

in a spot-on Louis Armstrong voice.

Well, do you think it means that like, you--

Ugh! No! I mean, my brain was probably just

throwing spaghetti at the wall.

Super detailed, emotionally resonant spaghetti.

Like, and I know, I know, all summer I've been

talking about how I love being single

and I don't wanna rush into anything,

and I do still have some intrusive thoughts

about slashing my old neighbour's tires.

She ran away with my ex, and I'm pretty sure

she was stealing my packages, but also, girl!

Like, that was seven years ago, like, get over it, you know?

Like, here's this woman, who remembers

the tiniest details from years ago,

who I can't help but smile when I look at, who...

Fuck!

I think I'm ready for spaghetti again!

How do I think I'll change things?

I don't know, change takes time, you know?

It's a lot of red tape.

Got the committees, approvals, votes.

You know? It's the machine, so...

Finally, a realistic politician!

Yes, realistic!

Uh, yes, and uh, realistically, it looks like I'm gonna win.

So that means

being in the same spot for four years!

My family will be so proud,

uh, now the public can judge me as much as they do!

Anyway, change? Overrated!

Big time! - Familiarity is what gets us

up in the morning, out of our bed

that one shares with one's husband of many years!

Aw hell yeah! She cares about keeping families together!

Barb! Barb! Barb! Barb! Barb!

It's only four years.

Just be who they need you to be for four more years.

Apparently, I'm pretty popular, do you hear that?

Inspiring, they say,

have integrity!

Barb the Builder, that's me!

It's almost like--

It's almost like I couldn't lose if I tried!

Which I'm not doing, um, and I'm not hiding,

I just needed a little uh, spot of coffee!

So, that's good, actually, I'm just gonna, caffeine there.

- You got this, Lee, go! - Go, go, go! Lee, to third!

- Go, go, go! Come on! - Zari! Ugh!

- Come on there, Zari! - Okay, man at second and third,

look alive! Unbelievable...

Hey! Is our Barbie still in the lead?

How is she doing so well? I don't, I don't understand,

something's fishy. - Well, I mean, uh,

she's very popular with young men.

And old men, and me, so...

I don't know, maybe everyone just voted for her.

Yeah, young men, old men, and you. That's everyone.

- Yeah. - Guys! Come on, let's go!

Zari! Could you get off your phone? You're killing me!

Shit! Guys, this is the call.

It's the producers, I have to take this.

You take that, that's an automatic out!

Oh come on, it's not gonna disrupt play!

And the Brovaries get a ten minute break!

That's not fair! Hi, just give me one second, okay?

What's so important? Is it your tight pants guy?

I signed an NDA, so I can't talk about it,

but this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for me

to find love on TV, and I have to take this call!

Take the call! You're stressing me out!

It's okay, we will take the out,

you guys look like you need a break anyway!

Well, we'll be in the fieldhouse

when TV Loverboy is ready!

- Okay! Okay! - To Costa Rica!

- Hey, Joanne! Here you go! - Can't believe I let

a future reality TV villain

fuck me in his condo sauna last week!

I can't believe we're letting a future reality TV villain

fuck us out there on the field!

Why does that sound kind of hot, though?

- No! - No!

Losing is not hot, okay? But we're gonna figure it out.

You guys are doing your best out there,

but we gotta give it our all!

This is how it felt, right before I lost

my last championship.

I can't let that happen again, Coach!

Oh no!

- Wha? What is it? What is it? - Get off the phone, Zari!

Barb just swept Clarkson, Sheridan Homelands

and Lorne Park! - Ah, yes!

Lorne Park? Rich bitch capital of Sauga? Wow.

Barb made me vote for her because she's my boss,

but like, people actually like Barb, or...?

- I do, yes! - Yeah?

And so do, um, young men, and old men.

Isn't it obvious? Barb fakes phone calls

so she can get out of conversations,

she bought a wheelchair permit so she can park

wherever she wants! Hm?

She's a cheater!

She's cheating, she must have bought the votes!

Nice guys finish last!

- Don't say "finish"! - If we wanna win,

we gotta think like winners.

Mel, you got the rulebook?

- Always have it on me, why? - Hear me out.

Normally, I would never play dirty.

But like my uncle who counts cards in Buffalo says,

"Sometimes you gotta shuffle your own luck

to deal a better hand." - Oh!

Slo-pitch rides a razor's edge of what is considered foul play,

and extreme rule following.

We're gonna ride that line so hard,

It's gonna need a safe word.

Don't say "ride"! Ride!

Guys!

Jojo!

Leading! Leading!

Illegal, rule 134, look it up!

She's right, you led off. You're out.

No warnings in the playoffs, baby! You're out!

That's my girl!

High ball! High ball!

- Woo! - Ball four, that's a walk!

This side of Joanne is kind of terrifying,

but also kind of hot.

- We love rules! - Are you chickenshit?

Come on, baby boy! Yeah, come at me!

Hey! Hey! You ran outside the basepath,

that's an automatic out! - Basepath?

Everyone knows that's a bullshit rule!

Honestly, you're embarrassing yourself.

Oh yeah? More embarrassing

than wanting to be a Canadian reality star?

What'd you say to me?

I said, you're never gonna win this game,

and you're never gonna win love on TV.

Shit! Shit! We have to hold, I need to take this!

You take that? You forfeit the game.

I just saw lightning. Mandatory 15!

Go cool off, Pico. Hello?

Bullshit!

- Honestly! Fuck that shit! - How are we still losing?

Okay? We need to up the ante!

JR isn't even focused, he's running circles around us!

We need to take him down! - Okay!

I mean, I-I-I wanna win, too,

we don't have to get violent about it!

Ann, this is not a joke.

I'm tired. I am so tired

of letting other people decide how the score gets settled!

Okay. Yeah, fuck JR.

Fuck Leanne! How do you wanna do this?

What did Leanne do?

She left the wedding invitation on my doorstep!

- No! - What?

- What the fuck? - Coach?

You feel that anger and frustration

coursing through your veins?

We can use that.

What about psychological warfare?

- Yes! - I could grease some balls!

Argh!

- You alright, Zari? - Um, you dropped this.

- And you also broke it. - Cheap shit!

Um, I'll go talk to her.

- Yeah. - Okay.

- Hey, Joanne, are you okay? - Uh yeah, fine.

The storage closet, that's um, that's pretty hot!

Uh, yeah, if you like the smell

of toe cheese and losing!

So, like, you don't, you don't have any fantasies

of hooking up in here? - Sasha, the only fantasy I have

right now is winning a game.

Wait, who hooked up in here, Ann? God, she got a problem.

- No, no, not, not Ann. - Yes, yes!

I, I...

Joanne, I had a dream about you last night!

And, well, it was actually about us--

Sasha, Sasha, whatever you're gonna say,

can it, can it wait until we unlose the game?

And then, you can have my undivided attention, okay?

I promise.

Aye-aye, Captain!

Okay.

Did I just salute her?

This is key to breaking someone down psychologically.

- Yup. - You stay behind.

- Mm-hmm. - Come down close.

- Yeah. - Whisper hard!

- Yeah, yeah. - Hey there, little boy!

- Please! - We're gonna come after

everything you love, boy!

Change your accent. Boy!

- I don't understand! - What's going on?

Uh, we're learning a lot about Mel's lore,

and Lee's pretending to be JR.

- Okay, untie Lee, no torture. - Ugh...

Guys, we need something quick,

and yes, dirty! Not in a sexy way, Ann.

Actually, maybe sex is our friend here.

I mean, I hate to admit it,

but I did sleep with JR last week.

Okay, be honest. You wanna be on that dating

reality show too, don't you? - No!

Well, I, psh, no. I'm six days sex sober,

so, next season!

Point is, maybe we can use this to our advantage.

Targeted approach, I like that.

So what, Ann tells him he's bad in bed?

No, JR's too good, he's gonna know it's a tactic

to throw off his game.

No, no! No, no, no, no, no!

Ugh!

There's only one way to throw off JR,

and the team, and kick my undiagnosed

sex addiction all at once. - Fake your own death?

I have to announce publicly,

on my Instagram, that I have herpes.

- Ewww! - Lee! There is an unfair stigma

around STIs. Most people have them!

But you don't really, do you, Ann?

No, I mean, I don't know, I might!

But they don't know that either.

I mean, announcing publicly that you have herpes

is like, that's dumping the vodka

down the toilet, right? I mean, no one is ever

gonna touch me the same again!

No one's ever gonna touch me the same again.

It's the best we got. Yes!

Uh, is there a standard, "I've got herpes" caption?

Ugh! Gimme your phone.

"Just found out I've got raging herpes,"

exclamation mark! Post.

Oh my God!

Ann, is this true?

Agh, fuck man!

Yeah! It's true, I'm, I'm basically

a walking sore, I'm, I'm really sorry!

Are you fucking kidding me?

I can't be on the Bachelor if I have herpes, Ann!

JR! Take it down, take it down, take it down.

It's good, no, this is chill, it's fine. It's chill.

Look, look, look, come here. Huddle in, huddle in.

- Okay. - Alright? We just need

to work backward. - Sure!

Alright, who here has also slept with Ann?

Well, I slept with Ann, and then I slept with JR.

Were you sle-- Uh, okay. When you slept with JR,

was this before or after you slept with me?

Both!

Oh! - Mm-hmm.

Is this bad? Is this bad?

Hey! Who here has also slept with a member of the Red Jox?

- What are you guys doing? - Fuck!

Okay!

God, I knew that wasn't an ingrown, oh my God! Okay.

Okay... - Incurable? It's 2026!

You guys wanna forfeit, it's okay!

What if we just stock the house with condoms?

I'll double wrap! - No, no, no!

Triple! One, two, three!

Brovaries! - Let's go!

We got this, Brovs!

You got this, Jo! - Hey, JR!

Easy on that swing, you don't wanna pop a sore!

That comment is below the belt, Joanne!

I think that's where the problem is.

Really going balls deep, aren't you, Loverboy?

Argh!

Might as well roll over and take it, JR!

- Let's go. - That's what Annie said!

Let's go, Sasha!

Take it home, take it home, take it home!

I, I can't focus!

You're trying to hit a home run--

How you like me now, Itchyboy?

I don't care, lock in!

I am locked in!

This isn't who can hit the farthest!

- Mel! - You're on, Mel! Bring it home!

Hit a homer, Mel!

We're going to the championships!

♪ And I'll be taking care of business ♪

♪ Taking care of business Every way ♪

We're going to the finals, baby!

♪ Taking care of business and working overtime ♪

- Championships! - Championships, baby!

Brovaries! Brovaries! - Wait, wait, wait!

Zari, what is it?

It's Barb. Holy f--

Thank you! Wow!

Hey, no, thank you!

Four years as your new City Councillor!

Oh, I uh, I'm at a loss for um,

I didn't foresee this-- - Woo!

Uh, happening, and now, um, sorry!

My head is spinning, um, uh, four years.

Wow! I worked for this win.

- Yeah! - So long! And so hard,

that I, I forget why I wanted it.

And, um...

Okay. Uh, this city,

uh, deserves someone

who cares about it.

Who-who can openly and wholeheartedly embrace it.

This city is...

...all I think about.

And now, um, I-I--

I just um, sorry!

Sorry! I... Just... Sorry!

- She's got tears in her eyes! - She just won!

- Why? What? - We're gonna win!

The Brovaries! - Ohh! Hey!

- Come on! - Championships!

- Our party! - Yeah!

- Ahh! - Let's go, Mel!

Let's go!

Yeah, I'm the Comeback Kid!

Can't wait for my ex-teammates

to see me now! Yeah!

It's your new pillow case!

Come here often?

Barb! The unlikely champion of the municipal rodeo!

I didn't think I'd actually win.

Yeah, but you did, that's great!

You know what, come to think of it,

there's actually this big patch of uh,

cement outside my apartment that's been wet--

I can't do it.

Doesn't have to be top of the list.

No, like, I can't, I can't do it. All of it.

Being City Councillor means,

means everything is gonna change.

Yeah, but that's a good thing, right?

No! No, it means that I'm gonna have to be

in meetings all day, listening to people's stupid problems.

I won't be around the Public Lass anymore,

which means I won't be able to see... the team.

So...

I don't know, there's always one thing you could do.

Yes. Okay, pretend I rigged the election

so that they strip me of my position.

No! Just fucking quit!

I can't quit. Too many people rely on me, I can't.

Come on, Barb! Like, you're in the closet

about your whole life. You don't wanna be

City Councillor, you don't wanna be

married to your fucking husband Brian,

you don't wanna be on this, like, hamster wheel--

But I can't change all that now!

It-it, uh, it's too late! I'm stuck!

Barbie. If you don't like your life, then pick a new one.

I did! Look at me.

I'm looking at you.

Okay. Uh...

I-I was just waiting for Sasha. Um...

- Oh, yeah. - Uh, congratulations!

I wanted to ask you something. - Yeah.

And it's something that is deep down inside of you,

that you won't let out!

I know you want the Brovaries to win--

I'm not ready, I'm not ready!

What?

- Huh? - Sor-- What did you say?

What? So, no sorry, you were saying?

Oh, I-I was, Miss City Councillor,

I was hoping that you would throw out the first pitch

at the championship game. - Oh, uh, fine!

Yeah, sure, whatever. Yeah! - Yeah?

- Whatev, yeah. - Woo!

Nice! Guys, I am so loaded,

I thought I saw you guys kiss!

Bye! Gonna find Sasha.

- Yup! - Yup!

- Well. - Yeah.

It would be a good opportunity for you to make another

little announcement when you throw the first pitch.

You think about it.

Get you a drink. - Mm-hmm.

- Sasha! - Hi!

- Hey, where'd you come from? - Oh I just, um,

needed to freshen up.

Have you guys seen Joanne? I wanted to talk to her.

Hi! You've reached Sasha, leave me a message.

Joanne!

Sa... Leanne?

How does it feel to be a winner?

Feels pretty damn good.

What are you doing here? - Shh! Shut up.

This song

is called Just Like We Planned.

♪ You called the plays I caught your heart ♪

♪ On summer nights ♪

♪ We fell in love beneath those Mississauga lights ♪

♪ Now I'm choking on the words I never let myself say ♪

♪ You were my Sunday double-header ♪

♪ My forever getaway ♪

♪ So let's take it from the top ♪

♪ Let the second act begin ♪

♪ No more losing games for us ♪

♪ This time we play to wiiiin ♪

♪ Joanne and Leanne ♪

♪ Just like we planned ♪

Leanne, we can't, we can't. No! That was--

It's not working with me and Roy.

He just won't listen to me!

And I know, I know, I talk too much about myself,

but like, he...

You never made me feel embarrassed about it.

Or any of my other neuroses.

And Roy just wants to fix me.

I just, I think I made a mistake with him.

Okay, I fucking know, I know I did.

I know I did. Jojo Bean, come on,

let's, we should give it another shot.

You left a wedding invitation on my porch this morning--

Yeah well, you blocked my number!

- I can't! - Okay.

Are you rejecting me?

You think you're hot shit now?

Your, your little winning streak is over!

We're gonna beat you so bad in the finals,

that you're gonna like quit slo-pitch altogether!

We're playing Tech Ass in the finals?

Oh yeah, you didn't know?

Yeah, you're not winning the championship.

And you're not winning this breakup.

And for the rest of your sorry little life,

you're gonna think of me as the one that got away.

See you on the field!

Okay, not to go on about it, but did you vote for her?

No, I haven't voted in years!

Ugh!

- In protest! - Well, did you?

No, Zari! Who the fuck votes for City Councillor?

- Meee! - Hey, I voted for Barb!

Yeah, she's gonna make beers a toonie!

And, I mean, she's kind of sexy, I'd have her babies!

Ugh! Incredible platform!

Guess she won fair and square on a campaign of beer and tits!

Yo, can I get you guys a drink?

I just got some insane news.

I got the lead role in this reality TV show,

'cause the other guy had to drop out,

and I wanna celebrate, come on!

We... Sorry, do you know why the other guy had to drop out?

Uh, apparently he had like a raging case of the herpes?

No!

Yes, bro!

Drinks on the house tonight!

Shots!

- Oh... - Who's that?

It's Sasha. She needs to talk.

Ominous. To you?

Well, she texted me!

But, shots, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

Shot, shot, shot, shot, shot!

difuze