Original subtitles

Three-card brag is a simple form of poker.

You get three cards only, and these you can't change.

If you don't look at your cards, you're a blind man, which means you only put in

half the stake.

Three of any kind is the highest you can get, but the odds are about 450 to 1

against getting any three.

Then there's running flush, you know, all the same suit.

All in order.

Then a straight.

Then a flush.

Then a pair.

And finally, whatever the highest card you've got.

Now there are some telltale signs that can help.

But it took me long enough to learn these, so I'm not going to tell you.

But they can only help a player, not make one.

So, do you want to play?

Right, let's sort the buyers from the spires, the needy from the greedy, and

those who trust me from the ones who don't. Because if you can't see value

here today, you're not up here shopping, you're up here shoplifting.

You see these goods, never seen daylight, moonlight, Israelite, fanny by

the gaslight.

Take a bag, come on, take a bag. I took a bag home last night, cost me a lot

more than £10, I can tell you. Anyone like jewellery, look at that one there.

Handmade in Italy, hand stolen in Stepney.

It's as long as my arm. I wish it was as long as something else. Don't think

because these boxes are sealed up they're empty.

The only man who sells empty boxes is The Undertaker. And by the look of some

of you lot here today, I've made more money with my measuring tape. Here, one

price.

£10. Did you say £10?

Are you deaf?

That's a bargain. I'll take one. Squeeze in if you can. Left leg, right leg. Your

body will follow. They call it walking. You want one as well, darling? You do?

That's it. They're waking up.

Treat the wife.

Treat somebody else's wife. It's a lot more fun if you don't get caught.

Hold on. You want one as well?

Okay, darling. Show me a bit of life then.

It's no good standing out there like one o'clock half struck.

Buy them. You better buy them. These are not stolen.

They just haven't been paid for and we can't get them again. They've changed

the bloody locks. Here, one for you. It's no good coming back later when I've

sold out.

Too late, too late will be the cry when the man with the bargains has passed you

by. And if you've got no money on you now, you'll be crying tears as big as

October cabbages.

They can cause it.

Shit.

Ed can hustle a few quid here and there but his real talent lies in cards and

gambling with cards.

Bacon could see that his days of selling moody goods on street corners are

numbered.

It's time to move on and he knows it.

So I said I'm alone, so I need a car.

And I know that I'm staying alive.

I'm six foot one, that's perfect for my height, aren't I? Two feet, you're

catching up with me, you are.

What are you talking about?

I'm bloody skinny, pal. Yeah, yeah, of course you are.

All right, Ed. Nick, Greek, always a pleasure.

Tom, what have you been eating?

I've been telling them. Enough already.

You two, join me in my office.

So, er, how much is it then, Tom? You know how much it is, Nick.

And that includes the amp, yeah?

No, that does not include the amp.

Shit, Tom, I thought it included the amp.

Well, it doesn't.

I'll throw in one of these telephones if you like, but it does not include the

amp.

Very nice.

I hope it includes the speakers.

It doesn't include the speakers. It doesn't include the amp.

And it's not supposed to include me getting the amp for your stupid

questions. No, you want it, Nick.

You buy it.

What else do I get with it? You get a gold-plated Rolls Royce, as long as you

pay for it.

Don't know, Tom.

Seems expensive.

Seems. Well, this seems to be a waste of my time.

That is 900 nicker in any shop you're lucky enough to find one in, and you're

complaining about 200.

What school of finance did you study?

It's a deal.

It's a steal.

It's sale of the fucking century.

In fact, fuck it, Nick, I think I'll keep it.

All right, all right, keep your Allens on.

Here's a ton.

Jesus Christ, you could choke a dozen donkeys on that?

And you're uggling over £100?

What do you do when you're not buying stereos, Nick? Finance revolutions?

£100 is still £100.

Not when the price is £200, it's not. And certainly not when you've got

Liberia's deficit in your skyrocket.

Tighter than a duck's butt, you are.

Now, come on.

Let me feel the fibre of your fabric.

The skinny one is Tom, and he's the entrepreneur of the bunch.

He's got a couple of dirty little fingers and a couple of dirty little

pies.

Nick here, however, has made it his business to have all 20 fat little

fingers and toes in every dirty, bent and stolen pie in London. Between the

two of them, there ain't much you can't get hold of.

That's my 25 grand.

It's all there.

It took me a long time to earn that, so you treat it with respect.

What about the chef?

What have you come as?

Cupid. Stupid.

That's the last time I'm getting any more fruit off of you, Tom.

Do you call that fresh?

There was more small, airy-armoured things in your fruit than there was

fruit. You should open a butcher's, not a grocer's. Well, if you will order

stuff from Kamandul, don't be surprised if it picks up a few tourists en route.

Anyway, enough about that. Where's the money?

Oi! Keep your fingers out of my soup.

Soap is called soap because he likes to keep his hands clean of any unlawful

behaviour. He's proud of his job and even more proud that it's legal.

He represents the more sensible side of the four.

You sure you can afford 25?

That depends on how you look at it.

I can afford it as long as I see it again, if that's what you mean.

Got the rest from the fat man and bacon?

Fat man, bacon and myself.

Looks like it's time to make that call to Harry.

Who's this fat man then, eh?

Eh?

Do you want a sandwich, bacon?

It's not easy to take a seat at this card table.

The amount of money involved has to be a hundred grand upwards and there's no

shortage of punters.

The man who decides whether you can play or not is this man, Harry.

Or as some, including himself, like to call him, Hatchet Harry.

You got it all?

100 grand.

Well, if you got it, you got it.

Now, if you don't mind.

What's this Eddie like, then?

He's a fucking thief.

Harry has a colleague, a monster of a man, Barry the Baptist.

The Baptist got his name by drowning people for hatchets. Are you going to

fucking pay? No, I'm not. Are you going to fucking pay?

No, I'm not. Harry makes sure the administrative side of the business runs

harmoniously. The boy's got a rare ability.

He seems to make cards transparent.

All right, all right, so we can say he's good. Oh, no, he's better than good.

He's a fucking liability.

Here, hold on.

What do you think of these?

We're selling hundreds.

Very nice, Harry.

What's it for?

Oh don't play innocent with me Bezza.

Spanking!

It's 25 from me, Tom's soap and yourself.

It's 100 grand to the pound.

So why the fuck are you counting it?

Because I like to.

So a reasonable return should be in the region of 120 grand.

That's for 25 grand invested, going on previous experience.

Going on optimism.

Whatever it's going on, it should be enough to send you on a cooking course.

You're not funny, Tom.

You're fat and look as though you should be, but you're not.

Fat? Who are you calling Jesus?

It's good in here, isn't it?

Handy for the tube. Great electrics. I can see why you moved in. Don't knock

it. It's cheap.

Like the budgie.

And nobody wants to live next to the people we live next to.

A bit antisocial, to say the least. What do you mean?

He means they're thieving bastards.

I mean, when they're not picking peanuts out of poop, they rip off unfortunate

souls and they're hard-earned drugs.

No, he's only thick with his walls.

Is that it?

How many times do I have to tell you, Plain?

If you find it's a job worth doing, you'll find your share improving.

Have you got a problem with that?

Charlie? Love you.

You

know,

Charles, this gear is getting heavier.

I have a strong suspicion we should have been rocket scientists or Nobel Peace

Prize winners or something.

Peace Prize?

Lucky to find your penis for a pesticide and you keep smoking.

Who the hell's that?

Does it look like I'm all right?

Take this.

I'm in danger of breaking sweat at any second.

Charles, why have we got that cage?

For security.

That's right.

That's right, security.

So what's the point in having it if we're not going to fucking use it?

Well, I would have used it, Winston, but this is Willie.

And Willie lives here.

Yes, Charles, but you didn't know it was Willy until you opened the door, did

you?

Chill, Winston.

It's me.

Charlie knows it's me.

What's the problem?

The problem is, Willy, that Charles and yourself are not the quickest of cats at

the best of times, so just do as I say and keep the fucking cage locked!

What is that?

That's Gloria. Yes, I know. That's Gloria. What's that?

Fertiliser? You went out six hours ago to buy a money counter and you come back

with a semi-conscious Gloria and a bag of fertiliser?

Alarm bells are ringing, Willy.

We need fertiliser, Winston. We also need a money counter.

This money's got to be out by Thursday. I'm buggered if I'm going to count it.

Oh, and if you do have to buy sodding fertiliser, could you just be a little

more subtle?

What do you mean?

We grow copious amounts of ganja, yeah?

Yeah. And you're carrying a wasted girl and a bag of fertilizer.

You don't look like your average hoarder fucking culturalist.

That's what I mean, Willie.

One, two, get down!

Pay the cost to be the boss!

How long's he been in there, son?

About 20 minutes.

He's on his own?

Yeah, just carrying a bag.

Let's pay him a little visit then, shall we?

Big Chris settles debts for Hattie.

The only thing he cares more about than an unsettled debt is his son and heir,

little Chris.

This is one of them high-power jobs, innit?

Got some bad news for you, John.

What the fuck?

Mind your language in front of the boy.

Jesus Christ!

That includes blasphemy as well.

Now tell me, John, how can you be concentrating on improving this lovely

town, and it is a lovely town, by the way, when you've got more pressing

priorities at hand?

Tell Harry.

Did I say speak?

And it's Mr. Harry to you.

Now, don't disappoint me.

Now, choose your words very carefully.

You may now... speak.

Tell Harry, I mean Mr. Harry, that I've been busy. I'm nearly there.

Check his locker, son.

I don't suppose there's any chance he lifted his sunbed up, Chris, is there?

And that's just in his wallet.

Fucking hell, John.

You always walk around with that in your pocket. Oi!

You use language like that again, son. You wish you hadn't.

Sorry, Dad.

Right, we'll put the rest of the stuff in there.

You can go home on a plastic bag tonight, John.

You owe what you owe.

And by the time this town's faded, you want to have paid.

You never want to...

They would pay for shit.

Yeah, exactly.

I mean, there's a certain... Well,

what the hell are you doing here?

Why, what's up?

Let me guess.

My foot in your arse.

Game of cards?

Actually, Harry?

You're supposed to be getting your rest in, boy.

You play Carson, I saw.

With Harry?

Oh, don't be silly, Dad.

I wouldn't have anything to do with that.

Where did he get underground?

He's got some adhesive mace. I mean, they're like brothers.

They've tossed that between them. And JD is his dad and owns the whole property.

No mortgage, no debts, lock stock, a fucking lot.

Don't you worry, Harry.

I've got it under control.

Good. You can get this under control now.

It seems that Lord Applesmite has run out of money and these little beauties

are up for auction.

But I'm not paying a quarter million quid for them.

If you know what I mean, Barry.

Make sure we get everything from inside the gun cabinet. I don't want to know

who you use, as long as they're not complete muppets.

And don't tell them what they're worth, Barry.

Right, where was we?

Shotguns. A lot like guns that fire a shot.

Oh, you must be the brains in. That's right, guns that fire shots.

Make sure you bring everything from inside the gun cabinet.

There'll be a load of old guns. That's all I want.

Everything else outside the cabinet, you can keep. It's yours. Oh, thank you very

much. There'd better be something there for us.

It's a fucking stately home. Of course there'll be something there.

Like what?

Like fucking antiques.

Antiques? What the fuck do we know about antiques?

We rob post offices. Steal cars.

What the fuck do we know about antiques, mate?

If it looks old, it's worth money.

Simple. So stop fucking moaning and rub the place.

So who's the gov? Who are we doing this for?

You're doing it for me.

It's all you need to know.

You know because you need to know.

I see.

One of those on a need-to-know basis things, is it?

Like one of those James Bond films.

Careful. Remember who's giving you this job.

Right, I'm off.

Call me when you're done.

Ta-ra.

Fucking northern monkeys.

I hate these fucking southern fairies.

Ed has been playing cards since he could lift a map.

And he soon discovered that he had a big advantage.

It's not that he's good with cards or even good at counting them. It's that

he's good with reading people's reactions, no matter how subtle.

And everybody has reactions.

Especially when it comes to money.

Invitations. Invitations?

Yeah, invitations. You know, four pretty white pieces of paper with your names

on. Well, we've got 100,000 bits of paper with the Queen's head on. Will

that do?

All right, just you.

The others, they can wait next door in Samoan Joe's. Samoan Joe's? You mean the

pub? Hold on.

Hold on to your fucking tongue, and I will hold on to my patience, okay,

Sonny? No one in here tonight but card players, and I do mean no one.

Evening, Fraser.

Don, Phil.

It's a bit dramatic, isn't it?

Is this supposed to be symbolic?

Apparently it's for security.

Yeah? I'd have bought me gloves if I'd have known.

You must be Eddie, JD's son.

You must be Harry.

Sorry, didn't know your father.

Never mind, son.

You just might meet him if you carry on like that.

Evening, Tanya. Been a while.

Hi, Ed.

Right, we call each other Kenny, okay, Gary? All right, Kenny.

You're going to put your stocking on or what?

I've just spent 120 quid on my hair. If you think I'm pulling a stocking over

it, you're very much mistaken.

You're going to have to put something on.

This is three card brag, gentlemen. That means three threes are the highest, then

three aces, then running down accordingly.

Then it's a running flush, a run, a flush, and then a pair.

An open man can't see a blind man, and it will cost you twice the ante to see

your opponent.

Now, don't fuck around, fellas.

You all know the rules, and you know I won't stand for it.

Now, three of your most refreshing drinks, please.

How comes we end up in here?

I don't know.

I don't think I mind.

You sure you've got that TV up loud enough, mate? Look at that bacon. Looks

like a lean.

What are you doing?

At that buck?

What, he had to rob the guns?

It's crap anyway.

Come on, come ahead.

800.

Did you like that, did you, son?

When my knees stop knocking, I'll live with it.

Four hundred. Blind.

Listen ladies, this is cards.

Men play cards.

If you wanna talk soft, go to the fucking hairdressers. So shut it and

play.

I'll fold.

One thousand.

Open.

What sort of pub is this then?

It's a Samoan pub.

What's that?

It's a cocktail.

You asked for a cocktail.

No, I asked you to give me a refreshing drink.

I wasn't expecting a fucking rainforest.

You could fall in love with an orangutan, innit?

You want a pint? Go to the pub.

I thought this was a pub.

It's a Samoan pub.

Whatever it is, can you get your man to turn the TV down?

You can ask me if you like. If I was you, I'd leave him well alone.

Yeah, get rid of that.

Brings a diet coke.

Excuse me, can you turn that TV down?

No. 2,000.

2,000. Blind.

You what?

Two grand blind?

You've been eating too much British beef, mate. You're bonkers. Mad.

Well, you gonna play?

Fucking right I'm gonna play.

Three grand.

There. Four thousand and open, man. You know that.

You do know how to play this game, don't you, Donald?

The reason I've only put in half the ante is because I don't know what I've

got. Now you play or you fold.

Fold. Fold?

Is that the only word they taught you at school, Donald? No, Phil. They also

taught me the word cunt.

I am trying to find out where they keep their money.

You twat, can't you see these people have got no money?

They can't even afford new furniture.

We've got the guns, what's the matter with you?

Every time we do a job, you have to go burning people's feet. What's wrong with

you?

You want to be more careful, old fella?

You very nearly took my man's head clean off with that.

You all right, Kenny?

Kenny?

10 grand, blind.

20 grand, open.

Do you mind, eh?

Fold.

20 grand, open.

I'll fold.

Don't go spending that all at once, boy.

What?

I thought you said there'd be no staff, buddy.

Did you get those guns?

You wanna see what they did to poor Gary?

Gary?

Gary?

I said, did you get those guns?

Yes! We got them!

Good. I'll speak to you later.

Fucking scarce cunt.

Gary, if you can hear me, get back in the car now, mate, OK?

Barry? Barry!

Fucking southern shanty-drinking bastard!

Gary!

Why must you hurt me? Do what you do.

Listen here, girl, can't you see I love you?

Make a little effort, try to be true.

I'll be happy, not so blue.

Give me my money! Give me back my money!

Give me my money!

Give me back my money!

Give me back!

Wankers!

Wankers!

Fucking hell, come on.

Not now, please.

Not now. Oh, you fucking bastard.

Oh my good God.

We'll take you to the cleaners.

Twenty grand, open.

Thirty thousand.

Back to you already, Eddie.

Fifty grand.

Eighty grand.

100 grand.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Look, fellas, I know... I know you're not in, which means no one cares what

you know.

250.

That's quite a raise.

That's 150 on my 100.

Yeah.

And is there anything else you want to say?

As you know, this puts us in an awkward position.

I don't have enough to continue.

We will have to see both your cards. If no one loans Eddie the money to

continue, it's a loan or we see both your cards.

I will.

You will what?

I will loan you the money.

No, I think I'd rather just turn them over.

I'm not interested in what you would rather.

I want to keep going.

I'm also offering you the money.

So we don't have to turn him over because you can borrow.

I need 250 grand.

No, you need five underground to see me.

That's if I want to see you.

Well, you're going to have a problem carrying on, aren't you?

I'll see you.

For half a million?

Unless you're going to accept 20 quid.

I've still got a sense of humour.

That's not monkey nuts, son.

You can still fold.

I'll see you.

OK. Before I loan you this, I expect, if you lose a course, my money back within

a week.

Crystal?

That's Sunday, okay?

Is that it?

Now let's see these fucking cards.

So messed up!

I want you here!

In my room!

I want you!

here now we're gonna be

face to face and lay right

down in my favorite place and

now i wanna be your dog and now i wanna be your dog

and now

Feeling a bit poorly?

I know your friends are responsible for most of the cash, so I'm going to give

you one week to find it.

Otherwise, I will take a finger off each of you and your friends' hands for every

day that passes without payment.

And then when you've run out of digits, you're dead's bar, and who knows what

then? All right, my son.

This doesn't look good.

He then proceeded to explain the unfortunate position they were in.

Harry was going to start sizing up all their fingers in a week because he knew

there was no way Ed could settle that debt on his own.

Harry saw it as their money on the table, so it was also their debt off the

table. Ed would hate to admit it, but he could have kissed the old bastard for

that. If he said he wanted to settle the debt on his own, it would have been a

lie.

I wish to Christ he would have let me settle the debt on my own.

I'm going to kill him. Stop fucking about, Tom.

And think about what we're going to do now. Sit down.

What's all the fuss about Harry?

Why don't we just boycott the payment?

Let me tell you about Atchit Harry.

Once there was this geezer called Smithy Robinson, who worked for Harry.

But it was rumoured that he was on the take.

Harry's invited Smithy round for an explanation.

Smithy didn't do a very good job.

Within a minute, Harry's lost his rag, reached out for the nearest thing at

hand, which had to be a 15-inch black rubber cock.

He's then proceeded to batter poor Smithy to death with it.

Now that was seen as a pleasant way to go.

Hence, Achy Ari is a man you pay if you owe.

Don't worry, I'll think of something.

I've been thinking about what you had done to me.

The damage is much deeper than you'll ever see.

I wonder were you pushed or were you led?

Why did you do it?

Why did you do that thing to me?

Golf.

The best way to spoil a good walk.

Winston Churchill said that.

I say it's a dog eat dog world.

And I've got bigger teeth than you two.

I think that friend is trying to tell us something.

Perhaps not. Perhaps I should take another swing just to make sure.

Give me a five iron, John.

Certainly, dog.

Now keep still.

Yes, Gordon, is there something you'd like to tell us?

Shut it, you idiot!

Yes,

Gordon, you were saying?

It's in the fireplace.

Just pull it out. It's in the bottom.

It's in the fireplace, Plank.

Just pull it out.

It's in the bottom.

Oh, dog!

I think you want to have a look at this.

You going to let me down now?

No.

I'm not finished with you yet.

Still.

Who the hell's that?

It's only 12 o'clock.

Use the cage, that's what it's there for.

Who is it?

We have got security for a reason, Willie.

Chill, Winston.

It's only Plank.

This weed's getting quite a whip, you know, fellas.

All right?

Easy.

Jesus.

Never saw you there.

Hello, love.

Enjoying yourself?

You see a compass?

What do you think?

Boo.

Fuck me.

Clean that up, Charles.

So do you. You clean it up. Sorry, fellas, but that stupid cat scared the

fucking nightmare out of me.

Never mind. Can you just sit down? Stay out of the way?

Look, how much is it you want?

I'm, er, after an half wipe.

Right, well, that's 1,500 then.

Pass the scales, will you?

Give some gear, Jake.

Any chance of actually seeing the, er, money?

The odds?

are a hundred to one.

All's we need is five grand.

I'd rather put my money on a three-legged rocking horse.

The odds are a hundred to one for a good reason, Bacon.

It won't win.

Where's Eddie?

Where do you think?

The bottom of a bottle. And has been for two days.

It's hit him hard.

Yeah, it's hit us all hard. Yeah, but he's got to tell his dad he's about to

lose his bar.

Listen to this one.

You open up a company... called Arse Ticklers Faggots Fan Club. You what? You

take out an advert on the back page of some gay mag advertising the latest in

arse-intruding dildos.

You sell it with, I don't know, does what no other dildo can do until now.

The latest and greatest in sexual technology. Guaranteed results of your

money back. All that bollocks. Now, these dills cost 25 quid a pop.

That's a snip for the amount of pleasure they're going to give the recipients.

But they send their cheques to the other company name.

Nothing offensive.

Bobby's Bits or something for 25 quid. You take that 25 quid, you stick it in

the bank until it clears.

Now, this is the smart bit.

You send back the cheque for £25 from the other company name.

Arse ticklers, faggots, fan club saying, well, you're sorry and we couldn't get

the supplies from America because they've run out of stock. Now, you see

how many people cash that cheque.

Not a single soul.

Because who wants their bank manager to know they tickle arse when they're not

paying in cheques?

So how long do you have to wait till you see a return?

Probably no more than four weeks.

A month?

So what fucking good is that if we need it in six?

No, five days.

Well, it's still a good idea.

All right, I got one for you.

Look, he set us up, right?

Which means he put money into us.

Which means he expects some money out.

Don't have to be an economist to work that out.

You may know we smoke a lot and burn a bit of profit. You can't have any idea

how much hard currency we've accumulated.

I don't know.

Do you know?

We can just slice it off the top.

You guys got to realise who this chap is.

He might look a bit silly, but he's a fucking lunatic.

And if he gets the slightest inkling we're not throwing straight dice, then

you and me are going to know what the sharp side of a kebab knife feels like.

Yeah, but I mean, we're in this for the cash, whatever it comes.

So you know these guys as well?

Well enough.

I've been buying gear off one of them for a couple of years.

So what do they like then?

Puffs. Nothing heavy.

Four public school boys, soft as shite.

And you keep all the money?

I've heard some stupid fucking ideas, but yours makes bacon sound inspired.

Think about it.

They've got a container load of cash in shoeboxes.

What do you mean, never lock it?

Well, they've got it there for them.

I must have been there 50 times. It's never locked.

They're not suspicious.

Everyone who goes there's a toff. They're all into that karma crap.

If I don't arm nobody, nobody arms me stuff.

No way they can get back to you?

Even if they could, they'd be too shit scared. I'm a geezer.

I've got no muscle.

Cutlass faggots.

May I see one?

If you're so fucking clever, why don't you come up with a suggestion?

Look, I'm thinking, all right? I am thinking.

We've got to be here all night then, haven't we?

There's Big Chris on his way.

He should be here any minute.

I think you're making a big mistake, Harry.

That is a lot of money for Chris to be running after.

Who the fuck are you to question my judgement?

What do you know about Big Chris, eh?

You put Big Chris on a job and he will get it done no matter what gets in his

way.

His dad used to collect debts and he's dead before that.

And that monster of a boy will after he's gone.

It seems the Almighty himself requested them to collect debts for eternity and

not to fear knocking a hole next door himself if he was behind on his payment.

And he's never nicked a knicker in his life.

Straight as an arrow and as strong as the bow that fired it.

If you dropped your tenner, he would search through Fanger.

There is a problem.

He isn't stable.

Heaven protect anybody who touches that boy.

Not that that boy needs protecting.

What's all the flapping about?

You told the old man yet?

Hoping I won't need to.

I've got a plan.

Now listen carefully.

Hello, boys.

Harry.

Do you want a drink?

Hello, my son.

Do you want a lolly?

Piss off, you nonce.

Oi! Watch it.

No, thanks, Harry. We're both all right.

Nice shooter.

Yeah, one of a pair.

Holland and Holland.

Do you want to hold it?

No, not my thing, thanks, Harry.

Business good.

I imagine that's why I'm here.

Four young fellas got in deep with a naked handle.

They owe me half a million pound.

How much?

Half a million.

Well, what do you want us to do about it?

Hit the fuckers.

I know it sounds a bit strong, but it's not as if we're doing anything illegal.

I don't know how you've reached that conclusion.

Because they can't report they've had all their drugs and money nicked, can

they? How heavy are these fellas?

Don't look all that.

Well, Hitler didn't look all that.

Yeah, all right.

But we are in the soup here, and this is a silver spoon.

And it's not as if we've got all the time in the world.

Dig?

I'm game.

Me too.

Oh, God.

Right.

We hit them as soon as they come back.

We'll be prepared, waiting.

And they're armed.

What was that?

Armed? What do you mean, armed?

Armed with what?

Er, bad breath.

Colourful language, feather duster. What do you think they're going to be armed

with? Guns, you tit.

Guns?

You never said anything about guns.

A minute ago, this was the safest job in the world.

Now it's turning into a bad day in Bosnia.

Soap, stop being such a mincer.

I've thought about that.

And? And what, exactly?

And all we have to do is find out who's carrying them.

Carrying them?

Well, they could all be carrying them, for what we know.

No. Only one of them carries them going to the job.

So I assume the same one will be carrying them when they come back from

the job. Oh, you assume, dear?

And what did I say about Assumption being the brother of all fuck-ups?

He's the mother of all fuck-ups, stupid. Well, brother, mother, any other sucker.

It don't make any difference.

They're still fucking guns and they still fire fucking bullets.

Soap, if you have a better idea how to get £500,000 in the next few days, let

us know.

In the meantime, Tom, you talk to Nick the Bubble about shifting the weed.

Weed? No, it's not normal weed. It's some fucked up skunk class A. I can't

think, let alone move shit.

Doesn't sound very good to me.

Neither me.

But it depends what flicks your switch.

And the light is on and burning brightly for the masses.

Anyway, do you know anyone?

I know a man, yes.

Rory Breaker.

Not that madman with an afro.

I don't want anything to do with him.

You won't have to.

Just get me a sample.

No can do.

What's that?

A place near Kathmandu?

Meet me halfway, mate. Look, it's all completely chicken soup.

It's what?

It's kosher. And it's Christmas.

The Jews don't celebrate Christmas, Tom.

Yeah, well, never mind that. I'm gonna need some artillery, too.

A couple of sawn-off shotguns.

This is a bit heavy.

This is London, not the Lebanon.

Who do you think I am?

I think you're Nick the Greek.

I'll touch too.

I don't normally have anything to do with weed, Nick.

But if it is what he says it is, I'll take it off him for three and a half

grand a key.

That is if it is what he says it is.

I don't want to see it after a sample.

I don't want to touch it after a sample.

I'll leave you in the capable hands of Nathan here.

He'll sort out the details.

But just let me tell you one thing.

If the milk turns out to be sour, I ain't the kind of pussy to drink it.

Do you know what I mean?

Rory Breaker.

Rory? Yeah, I know Rory.

He's not to be underestimated.

He's a funny looking fucker, I know.

But you've got to look past the hair and the cute cuddly thing.

It's all a deceptive facade.

A few nights ago, Rory's Roger Iron rusted, so he's gone down the battle

cruiser to watch the end of a football game.

No one's watching the custard, so he switches the channel over.

A fat geezer's north opens, and he wanders up and turns the lizer over.

Now fuck off and watch it somewhere else.

Rory knows clarity's imminent.

but he doesn't want to miss the end of the game.

So calm as a coma, picks up a fire extinguisher, walks straight past the

jam rolls who are ready for action, and plonks it outside the entrance.

He then orders an Aristotle of the most ping-pong tiddly in the nuclear sub and

switches back to his footer.

That's fucking it, says the geezer.

That's fucking what, says Rory, and he gobs out a mouthful of booze covering

Fatty. He flicks a flaming match into his bird's nest and the geezer's lit up

like a leaking gas pipe.

Rory, unphased, turns back to his game.

His team's won two.

4-0.

Oi.

Did your hair, I suppose, look like that?

All right, short stuff? Never mind short stuff.

Listen, the next time we do a job like this, we're going to want more money,

Barry. Or we're going back to post offices and cars. Fuck that.

Where's the others?

There was no others.

Stop fucking around. The others, the old ones.

I don't know what you mean.

There were two old guns there. Where are they now?

Not in the cabinet, there wasn't.

Oh, there was a couple of old Amalok muskets the butler was carrying.

But they were ours. We sold them.

Well, you better hand sell them, shall we?

We had to sell them. We needed the money.

I'm not fucking interested.

If you don't want to be carrying the fingers you haven't got, or sharing the

bed with the empty guys, I want those guns! Quick!

All right, buddy.

Calm down.

We'll get them all right.

Now fuck off, you scarce cunts.

Jesus.

If I pick them up, will they stay in one piece?

Where did you get them?

I've got contacts.

Listen, Tom, you point them at me, I'll shit myself or do whatever you say to

do. Either way, you get the desired effect.

Oh, they look very nice, I agree, but... Well, they're lacking in criminal

credibility, aren't they? I might get laughed at.

How much do you want for these muskets?

700 each.

Oh, what's that?

A pound for every year they've been about?

I know they're antiques, but I ain't paying antique prices.

They're a bit long, aren't they?

It's all else around.

People want a bit more range these days.

Range? I don't want to blow the arse out of this country, granted. But I don't

want anyone blowing a raspberry at me either.

I want to look fucking mean.

Of course you'll look mean.

You'll look really scary.

Anyway, enough about that. What about this geezer who sells drugs?

Rory Breaker's standing by.

You stand to make a lot of money, Tubby Tommy.

I understand if this has come as a bit of a shock.

But let me tell you how this can be resolved by you, the good father.

Go on.

He likes your bar.

Yes.

He wants your bar.

And?

Do you want me to draw you a picture?

Look, that boy doesn't know his arsehole from his earhole. This is my bar.

It's got nothing to do with him.

What, and I care?

Remember. You do have the luxurious advantage of being able to sustain your

son's life.

And you do have a reputation.

So I choose my words very carefully.

You tell Harry to go fuck himself.

Careful, J.D.

You'll give Harry another heart attack.

Now... I'll put that down to shock.

Only once.

Only once can I, or shall I, let you get away with it.

Your son's got three days to find out the meal.

But make up your mind which you prefer.

Your bar, or your son.

What's that idiot doing next door?

Right, we'll use your van.

Now, he stares up to his place, so I'm going to stick out like bollocks on a

bulldog. Plank goes in first.

There's a cage, but it's never locked.

Is it, Plank?

Never. It don't want to be.

Right, once he's got himself set, he gets the rest of us in.

Now, we get nasty with a couple of them. Shit them up, gag them, whatever.

Now, these wankers shouldn't give us any problems.

Like any cowboys, there'll be a few tools lying around.

When the job's done, we come straight back here and unload.

And Robert's your father's brother.

Everyone savvy?

Sweet.

Right, we'll do it tomorrow at eight.

Evidently these slaves like to lay about in bed till midday.

Lowest ever and all that.

That's the way I like it.

Jesus.

Don't worry, we can manage this.

And what do you want me to do? I don't know, Soap. Turn up and look mean.

What do you mean?

Look mean.

You know, growl a bit.

Look, just look as if you know what you're doing. You can do that, can't

you? Well, I can do better than that.

Have a look at these.

And what are we supposed to do with these?

Put them on your head, stupid Christ.

If you think I'm going to turn up there clean-shaven and greet them with a grin

on my face, you've got another thing coming.

Now, these fellas, they're your neighbours.

I thought it might be a good idea to disguise ourselves a little.

Right.

Yeah, good thinking, Soap. Well done.

I brought weapons as well.

Weapons? What do you mean, weapons?

These?

Jesus!

Let's keep them covered up, eh?

Couldn't you have got anything a bit bigger?

What?

Like that.

What do you think?

I think you need help.

Bar steward, can we have a couple of drinks please?

Have you seen your dad?

Atchit sent one of his men round.

Oh shit, when?

Crazy.

A

good

few years ago, your dad and Ali both played brag together.

Now JD is a better player, but Harry is a shit and a cheat.

This game went on for about two days until your dad lost everything he had.

But Harry wanted more.

He wanted to put your dad deep in debt. So he plays on and on until the stakes

are a joke.

Harry's got some filthy little scam going on where he wants to put JD in

trouble for years.

Harry turns over and...

He has got next to unbeatable cards.

Everyone falls over course. They all hate Harry.

JD starts to weep. It's a real mess.

Harry starts laughing, he's jeering, he's doing a little jig and he turns

JD's cards over.

JD by this time is crying proper tears. I mean this is next to pathetic.

We see the cards.

He's got three threes, the best possible cards, and the only time I have ever

seen them.

JD continues to cry, but now it doesn't seem so pathetic.

Harry, he's had heart attack.

JD's bought this place with the profits, and he's never played cards since.

Harry's been looking for a way to get revenge for all those years. Now you

have just given him his cue.

If Harry don't kill you, then your father will.

He is not a happy chappy, Ed.

Yes? What's happening tomorrow morning?

No fucking about it, Ed.

Get back in now.

Where would you get these?

A fucking museum?

Nick the Greek.

How much do you part with?

700 for the pair.

Drachmas, I hope.

I'd feel safer with a chicken drumstick.

These are going to do more harm than good.

There you go, Tom.

Do these work?

I don't know. They look nice, though, don't they? I rather like them. Oh,

that's top of the list of priorities, that is.

Ladies, back to more important issues, if you don't mind.

We have only got two real guns.

Apparently that's what they are.

So we find a good place to hide next door.

We wait till it sounds like the right time, then we jack in the box, look

nasty and stuff, cocoon them in gaffer tape, nick their van, swap the gear into

the new van and bring it all back here.

As long as we're all out of our hiding places quickly, it's the last thing

you're going to expect.

Oh, and if Tom, or anyone else for that matter, feels like giving them a bit of

a kicking, I'm sure it won't do any harm.

Yeah. A little bit of pain never hurt anybody, if you know what I mean.

Also, I think knives are a good idea.

Big, fuck-off shiny ones.

Ones that look like they could skin a crocodile.

Knives are good because they don't make any noise.

And the less noise they make, the more likely we are to use them.

Shit them right up.

Makes it look like we're serious.

Guns for show, knives for a pro.

So, is there something we should know about you?

I'm not sure what's more worrying.

The job or your past.

Come on, girls.

Where the fuck are they going?

Shift to piano?

I thought this was meant to be a robbery.

Where'd they get those outfits?

Not a bad idea, that.

Come on, you fucking jellyheads.

Move it!

You've been up for two hours. You should have got somewhere by now.

The money in the gear's got to be out by 12.

Who's that?

Jake, don't you dare open the door until you've used that cage. I'm serious.

Find out who it is first.

Hello, can I help you?

All right, it's Plank. Is Willy there?

No, I'm afraid he's not. He's out at the moment.

Perhaps you can help.

Well, perhaps I can't, Plank, if you know what I mean.

Look, if you could just open the door so I could talk without shouting.

I can't help you, Plank.

I think you'll find it is in your interest.

Hold on, OK?

Look, Willy, it's Plank outside for you. He says it's in our interest.

Listen, I don't care if it's King fucking Kong.

He's not coming in here, not today.

Hold on.

We are in business, and correct me if I'm wrong, but that is business?

Corrected. That's a walking accident. That we can do without.

Jesus, he's okay.

He knows only to buy weights now.

We're looking at at least a couple of thou.

What do you think, Winston?

Willie, this is the last time, all right?

But you and the money are going out the back. If he knows you're here, he'll be

all day. Just clear this shit up.

What, now? Yes, now!

Just get rid of him quick.

All right, just coming.

What the fuck is he doing?

Come on. I can't wait out here all day.

All right, just coming.

I thought you was going to leave me out here all day.

I didn't know you were a removals man, Plank.

Lives and learns, don't you?

Keep the gates locked now, do you? Yeah.

Sorry. Got to do business like this now.

Can't be too careful these days.

I know.

Shut it!

You say a fucking word, the white ear goes. Another one, then you're left.

What are you doing, Blank? What do you think I'm doing?

Oi, hang on. What are you doing?

Unlock the gate!

Oi, I said unlock the fucking gate!

That's it. Go, go, go!

What the fuck's going on? Just hang on, I've got a tease.

The gate's locked.

I said, believe the fucking gate's locked.

What are you, down the front or what? I didn't touch him. He just passed out.

Don't you stay there. Get that fucking door shut. You want the world to see

this?

What's going on down there?

Shit.

Charles, get the rifle out.

We're being fucked.

It must be this one.

I'll deck them.

Plank, give me the key. Give me the key, Plank. Don't point that at me, Bollock.

Point it in the air.

Planks of wood.

I'm working with fucking planks of wood.

Shit.

The fuck is that?

What the fuck's that?

It's my brain gun.

Don't you think you could have bought something a little bit more practical?

Don't let any of you snakes move. I'll kill the fucking liar.

Who are you going to kill, Plank? There's no one fucking in here.

They fucking shot me! Well, shoot them back!

Jesus, Plain, couldn't you have got smokeless cartridges?

I can't see a bloody thing.

Ah!

Shit! I've been shot. I don't fucking believe this. Could everyone stop

getting shot?

John, sit down and patch yourself up. You're as tight as a fucking air rifle.

What the fuck was that?

Well, that was the bring gun.

If you fire that gun again, you're a dead man. Understand?

Dead. No ifs, no buts. You're a fucking dead man.

I've got to bollocate with this. Where's me fucking gun?

Right. Now, have I got your attention?

Firstly, I'm going to blow his toes off.

There go his toes.

Now, if you want me out of here in five minutes flat, open the fucking gate as

I'm going to blow his leg off.

They're going to fucking kill us if we do, mate.

Or Jay will certainly get it if we don't. He's serious.

I'm losing patience. Hurry up, girls.

It's all right. All fucking right.

Willie, he doesn't know you're here. Just...

all your friends. There's a good lad.

There's only three of us here.

I don't believe you. Fuck it, I'm going to blow his leg off. I'm in it.

There's only three of us.

Blank? Yeah.

One of them's out.

Now open the gate.

John,

get them tied up.

Paint those a man.

There, in those shoeboxes.

Where? Out the back.

And the weave?

Out the back.

Point! With what?

Your fucking hands, now!

I'm tied up.

Bullnod, you read or something?

Check it out.

Plank, pull out that van lively.

I'm going to cut him.

Make sure he knows he's dead.

How you doing, Mick?

How do you think I'm doing? He's fucking nearly chopped my arm off.

Jesus Christ.

Benny, what the fuck's been going on here?

Shut up, you idiot.

It's Hanukkah.

Well, don't you stand there.

You've got the bags. Can you fill it all in?

What's it like?

I can't get up in Forest in my van.

Can't? I don't know why you can't. Bollocks to can't. You'll fill it all in

if you have to make two trips.

You've got a ticket already.

And if you don't move it, we will move it for you. I'll only be a minute.

You've already been 15.

Look.

Can I have a look? At what exactly?

Well, the van's half full. So?

So, all I've got to do is fill it up, put you in it, all right?

And I'm off.

Do you think you can carry more than one bag this time?

I can't. My neck, dog.

Hand me more bags.

Nick, you dead yet?

I'll be alright.

Once I've dealt with that lanky prick.

Do it quietly.

It's time to say goodnight, nurse.

Where the fuck did she come from?

That is it. Tie her up. We're out of here.

What are you doing, Ed?

Do you want one?

No, I fucking don't. You cannot make a cup of tea, Edward. The entire British

Empire was built on cups of tea.

Yeah, and look what happened to that.

And if you think I'm going to war without one, mate, you're mistaken.

Going to war with what?

Have you forgotten those guns, you dozy prat?

You won't get away with this.

Paul, what's that?

It's a traffic warden. I can see it's a fucking traffic warden. What's he doing

in the back of the van?

He was going to call the causes.

Fair enough.

We'll do him later.

How are we doing, Tom?

Right as rain.

I'm just going to take care of the cabs.

Keep us posted.

Alright mate, do you do airports?

Where the hell are we gonna hide?

Don't complicate things, just hide.

We're on.

Come on, they weigh a pound or two.

Just up and back up!

Spin round, big boy.

Tape them up. Hands and face.

Underfloor!

And over the fucking desk.

Keys. I want keys.

Now.

I'll find you.

Of course you will, sweetheart.

I'll find you.

What do you think this is? Fucking hide and seek?

That one.

Search that one.

Right, I'll see you in the van when you've finished with Ansem here.

Jesus, that wasn't too bad, was it?

When the bottle in my ass is contracted, I'll let you know.

I can see what we've got.

Let's have a butcher's, eh?

We've hit the jackpot, lads.

Look, God knows how much of this stinking weed.

A shitload of cash.

And a traffic border.

What?

Jesus, have we got a traffic warden?

I think he's still alive.

He's got Claret coming out of him somewhere.

What do you want with a traffic warden? I don't know, but I don't think we need

him. Knock him out and dump him at the lights.

Knock him out? What do you mean, knock him out? Knock him out with what? I

don't know. Use your imagination.

Don't touch him up. Knock him out.

I'll knock you out in a minute.

Look, you want to knock him out?

You knock him out.

I fucking hate traffic warnings.

It's about time you gave my young friends a visit, Chris.

Tomorrow's the day, and mum's the word. Now, I can't have that, can I, Baz?

No, Harry, you can't.

I mean... It's a liberty.

And I can't have a liberty taken, can I, Chris?

No, Harry, you can't.

I mean, it's enough to give me the arsehole.

And I can't have the arsehole, can I, boys?

No, Harry, you can't.

I don't know who they fucking think they can be, but I won't find them. Of course

I'll find them. I don't give a flying fuck who they think they are.

I'm going to find them. I'm going to kill them. I'll peel them. I'll fucking

slice them. I'll fucking hang dry them. I'll quarrel with them!

All right, that's it.

We're done.

We're off. Here, Ed.

Are you sure it's a good idea taking this back to yours? Well, it's the only

place we can take it, and it's the last place they're going to look. Anyway,

fuck it. The battle is over and the war is won.

Now, Tom, you take this to nick the bubble, then we get rid of it quick.

This skunk, and it's as good as it gets.

All right.

We'll take it.

Half price.

I don't think he'll like that.

You said three-five a key, and you know that's a good price.

It was yesterday I said three and a half, and now it's today if I'm not

mistaken. We'll take it tomorrow.

Half price.

If he wants to get rid of it quick, he'll have to take it. Now look.

I've got a race coming up in a minute, so if you'd just be kind enough to...

Lenny,

take that round to Snow White and the three little chemists.

They should have a gander of that.

I want a second opinion.

Hang on a minute, Nath. Something stinks.

Yeah, your fucking aftershave.

Fuck you, funny man.

For God's sake, help me!

I'm in pain!

I'm in so much pain!

Go in slowly, Nathan.

Fuck you, funny man. You go first.

Just get the fuck in there, will you?

I wouldn't say I search for bugs.

I mean, I want it stripped.

What is the point in that?

Even if there was a bug, they'd have taken it with them.

It's a bit late for you to start thinking, John.

If it's a possibility, that's good enough for me.

And when you strip this place, I want every slag this side of Salon pulled in

and tortured badly.

I wanna know who's responsible for this, otherwise I'm gonna hold you

responsible.

Not a bad day.

That pile takes care of Harry.

What's left over?

Give me half a chance to count it.

What about this gear then, eh?

Oh, what? You want a tug on that?

No, I don't think I want any of that horrible shit.

Can we lock up and get drunk now, please?

Look, we had the gates up.

But, I mean, they stuck a shotgun through.

The poor bloody Jay got shot.

Right mess.

It'd be more than your life's worth if you'd just with me.

Some girl took one of them out.

He was in a right to an eight.

We shot one of them in the throat.

What do you want, a medal?

I'll shoot you in the fucking throat if I don't get my ganja back.

The one you shot, is he still in there now?

Oh no, it's another one.

That's more like it.

Where is he?

Well, they took him with.

And he's still alive.

What did you shoot him with?

An air gun?

Look, we grow weed.

We're not mercenaries.

You don't say.

Who could it be?

Where do we start, Rory?

Mr. Breaker.

Today, my name is Mr. Breaker.

You think this is a coincidence?

This white shite steals my tings and thinks that he can sell it back to me.

He's got less brains than you, Lenny.

Get Nick.

The greasy, wop, schistos, pesa-vengi, gum-watered, Greek bastard round here

now. If he's still stupid enough to be on this planet...

Come with me, I'll fill you with desire Take my hand and we'll walk this land

together

Your stupidity might be your one saving grace.

Huh?

Don't err me, Greek boy.

How is it your fucking stupid, soon-to-be-dead friends thought that

they might be able to steal my cannabis and then sell it back to me?

Is this a declaration of war?

Is this some white cunt's joke that black cunts don't get?

Because I'm not fucking laughing, Nicholas.

I have three interests in life, Nick.

No, four.

Football, music, money and the annihilation of anyone that interferes

in that shortness.

I know you couldn't have known my position because you're not that stupid

that if you did you wouldn't have turned up here scratching your ass with that

what's going on here look slapped all over your Chevy Chase.

But what you do know is where these people live.

If you hold back anything, I'll kill you.

If you bend the truth, or I think you're bending the truth, I'll kill you.

If you forget anything, I'll kill you. In fact, you're going to have to work

very hard to stay alive, Nick.

Now, do you understand everything I've said?

Because if you don't, I'll kill you.

Now, Mr. Bubble and Squeak, you may enlighten me.

So we've got a bit of a problem, haven't we?

Oh, well, yeah.

Yeah, we do.

Yeah. Yeah, we do.

In fact, it's a little bit more than a little bit of a problem, isn't it?

On the scale of things, you could say it's the Mount fucking Everest of

problems. And the reason it's such a mum-fucking-strossy of a problem is you

lot haven't got a first idea who did this to us, have you?

Dog, we've been up all night. There's no one around here.

We've had them all lined up against the wall.

If it was a tow bag from around the manor, we'd know. We'd know.

You little shit!

Scarface.

I've watched Scarface.

If you wanna know how to do a drug deal, you watch Scarface.

That really inspires confidence, that.

This guy Rory Breaker.

Rory Breaker?

Psychotic black dwarf with an afro?

That'd be the same man, yes.

I heard about him.

He's a fucking lunatic.

Well, he can afford to do the deal at the price we're selling. It's not worth

him giving us any trouble, because he knows we'll be a pain in the arse, and

who needs a pain in the arse? I'd take a pain in the arse for half a million

quid. You'd take a pain in the arse for air miles.

Tom, the fatter you get, the sadder you get. Will you two stop flirting for a

minute? After we pay Hatchet, this deal puts us up nearly 200,000 pounds

each.

That's not bad for a morning's work. I think you'll agree.

So they had the cash.

And the puff.

Cheeky bastards.

Count it.

Shit, dog. There's a lot.

Don't you want to do it next door?

We're not going next door till we've flayed them dead men walking.

We'll count it upstairs.

I don't even want to see you fingering them any when they walk through the

door.

That dog. Look.

Give us your ear.

Dozy bastard.

Check your guns.

Get yourselves well-heeled.

You wait till they get right inside the door.

Then you give it to them.

Give them a shoot as you can use your own.

Yeah. That's no way to answer the phone.

Oh, is that you, Dean?

No, it's Lord fucking Lucan. Who do you think it is? What can I do for you?

You know those guns I sold you?

I need them back. Not likely, I'm afraid. I don't think I'll be seeing

them again.

Look, I've got the money to pay for them.

I'm sure you do, but I don't think you understand.

I ain't going to be seeing them or the guns again.

Can't get them.

If we can't get them, we can't get them.

Well, you'll have to fucking get them. Look.

We made a fucking deal for everything inside the cabinets. Inside out fucking

side. I don't give a shit.

You get those guns because if you don't... Oh yeah, Buzzard, or what?

Have you heard of Harry Lonsdale?

Otherwise known as Accu-Up with an Atty Harry?

Well, this is.

James Bond.

Need to know time.

When you dance with the devil, you wait for the salt to stop.

Know what I mean?

Find them, torture them, and kill them.

And bring back what belongs to me.

Because if you don't, your family's bang in trouble.

Who's there?

That was Harry Oliver Atchit.

Jesus, I've heard of him.

We didn't shit.

They were his fucking guns we sold.

We've got to find them.

Now, no fucking about now, Nick. Where can I find those guns?

Six black cocks and a little white kitten sitting on the side of the road.

We're going to do a proper decoration job.

I want the grey skies of London illuminated.

I want that ass painted red.

All right.

Mrs. Brass standing on the corner, right?

Dwarf walks up to her carrying a suitcase.

Winston there is going to come along and see if he recognises any of them.

Now watch out for these fellas.

They've got a bit of an arsenal and they don't mind using it.

And I'm taking down their panties.

And is everyone here like they've got to do?

Yeah.

The fuck is going on?

You got something here for me, have you?

Come on.

Chop, chop.

Thank you very

much.

He's got the guns. Go ahead, you get them.

Why me?

Well, you're supposed to be the hard case. You go and get the guns. I drive

the car.

Get the fucking guns. I'm not going to get the fucking guns. You get the

fucking guns. Hey, you fucking big shit.

All right, wrap them guns up.

Count the money.

Put your seatbelt on.

Fucking guns. We've got to get the fucking guns or we're dead.

So I made sure I fucked the one that was coughing.

He's the one we shot in the neck.

Is that right, Mr.

Botanical?

Jesus! I don't believe this. What the fuck has happened here? Jesus.

The money.

The gear.

This is fucked.

No money.

No weed.

It's all been replaced by a pile of corpses.

Alright, don't panic.

Let's think about this.

No, fuck that.

You can think about it. I am panicking and I'm off.

Hello, John.

Nice holiday.

Yeah, terrific, Chris.

I got sunstroke and concussion thrown in for an extra grand.

Sounds like a good deal.

You're not complaining, are you, John?

No, mate. I'm thinking of taking the family next year.

Fair play to you.

Thank you, Chris.

Harry.

How did you get your hands on these then?

The boys had them.

I know you like these sort of things. Wondered if you wanted them.

Yeah, I'll have them.

Was it hard work getting the money?

Not especially.

Upset a few characters, eh?

You counted it?

Yeah, it's all there to the pound.

And they were going to pay?

Looks like it, but who knows?

The opportunity was there.

In my experience, it's best to take that opportunity if it's there.

Good work, Chris.

We've got to get those guns.

This is dangerous shit, Dean. We don't even know who lives there.

Listen, I don't care who lives there. All I know is that it's preferable to

death by hatchets.

I don't think it's the right move.

It's either that, the old boy's place, and we lose a digit daily.

I'm gonna phone him.

As if he'll care. He'll care, all right. That was supposed to be his money.

Whether he cares about us or not is different.

Pass me the phone.

Yeah? Oh, that you, boy?

It's Ed, if that's what you mean.

How you doing, innit?

Yeah.

I wanted to talk to you about that.

I bet you do.

I've got half a million knickers sitting here, which means some poor sod doesn't.

You've been upsetting a few people, boy.

Now, that really isn't my concern, is it?

What does concern me is the guns you had.

So get your ass over here now. And I do mean now.

What are you doing here?

Job well done.

Made a few quid out of that one.

Sam? Made a few quid, did ya?

Where's what I want?

You alright down there, mate?

Very fucking funny.

Where's what I want?

I've just left it in the office.

Well, we better go to the office and get it in.

That's if you want your son to see his next birthday.

And a chop-fucking-chop.

All right.

Fair enough.

Where are you going?

It's a 30-second drive or a five-minute walk.

I couldn't have parked outside.

I'd have got a ticket.

I suppose it don't matter now, does it? Just be careful.

Right.

You know where the door handle is, Tom.

Oh

no,

not again.

That's it. I'm off.

Tom, that is our bag.

This is our bay.

That's it, we're off. I'll see you in the car. I'm gonna take these guns. Tom,

don't fuck about. I'll see you in the car. Tom.

It'll only take a minute.

What is going on?

I don't know.

But what I do know is there's no more Harry.

Which means there's no more debt.

And if there's no more debt, there's no more problem.

And there's no problem with the neighbours because they're all dead.

And I think, if I get this right, we haven't done anything wrong and we're in

the clear.

You alright mate?

Cheeky bastard!

Now this was an embarrassing position for Tom to be in.

But Chris had to respect the fact that he was holding what appeared to be a

pair of loaded shotguns.

And Tom had to respect the fact that they were not loaded. So without anybody

losing too much face, Tom left through a side door and Chris left with the money.

And everybody else got arrested.

Odds, chaps.

Gotta remember the odds.

I hope I'm not interrupting.

I need to know.

What's going on, son?

He's not one of them.

I think your dad would like a word with

you, Ed.

Where are the others?

They got out yesterday. They're back at the bar.

All

right,

Dad. I'm all right.

How about yourself?

Oh, I'm all right.

Could do with a drink though.

All in good time. All in good time.

So, you in the clear?

More importantly, am I?

It appears so.

Appears?

You'll have to do better than fucking appears, my friend.

Well, everybody's dead, Dad. I think that's about as clear as you can get.

How about that drink?

You know where the bar is.

Eh?

Don't make yourself too comfortable.

Alan's got to sit there.

Alan!

You're lucky you're still breathing, let alone able to walk.

I suggest you take full advantage of that fact.

...before he plays. It's in all our interest.

All right, lads.

How's it going?

Made in soap.

Still cooking?

Yeah, yeah.

How about the girls?

What about your diet?

Or is that a son of mine?

You took your time.

Where the hell have you been?

Sit down, I'll tell you.

So the traffic warden identified the neighbours' bodies, which sort of puts

us in the clear.

The only thing connecting us with the case is those shotguns.

And Tom took care of them.

You did take care of the shotguns, didn't you, Tom?

I wanted to talk to you about that.

Well, talk.

Well, actually, no.

I've got him sitting in the car. I was going to sell him back to Nick the

Greek, but I'm having a bit of trouble getting hold of him.

You dippy bastard.

So, the only thing connecting us with the case is in the back

of your car, which is parked outside?

They cost us 700 quid.

I'm not going to throw them away.

And they're hardly likely to trace them back to us, are they?

Do you really think it's worth taking the risk for 700 pounds? Tom, you're a

dick.

Now, you take those guns and you throw them off a bridge.

And throw yourself off while you're at it.

Now, Tom.

Now, Tom!

Can I have a beer, please, Dad?

I'm busy. Get it yourself.

It seemed that you underestimated you lot.

And it seems to have cost him.

But I ain't going to make the same mistake now, am I?

So I've decided to bring your bag back.

I think the words you're looking for, gentlemen, is thank you.

Thank you?

Now, you've presented me with a problem.

I've lost my employer.

So I've taken care of myself.

And me son.

Now if you think that's unfair, you come and pay me a little visit.

But you better be waving a white flag, high and clear, so as I can see it.

Or it'll be the last little visit you ever make.

You understand?

That's all I've come to say.

There is one more thing.

It's been emotional.

We are now officially in the money lending business.

You alright son?

Put your seatbelt on.

We're out.

It's empty.

This time seems

I'm no clown, won't back down, won't need you to tell me what's going down.

Down, down, down, down, down, down.

Down, down, down, down, down, down.

What's his number?

Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't,

don't.

You're not supposed to! Give me your phone!

Will you shut up?

It's fucking ringing!

I'm 18 with a bullet.

Got my finger on the trigger.

I'm going to put it.

I'm picked to click now.

I'm the son of a gun.

So hold it right there, little girl, little girl.

We're going to have big fun.

I may be an oldie, but I'm a goodie too.

I'm 18 with a bullet.

Got my finger on the trigger.

I'm gonna pull it.

I'm a super social shot, yeah.

I'm a national breakout.

So let me check your playlist, mama.

Come on, let's make out.

Until I'm in your heart, I ain't never gonna stop.

Never, never, baby.

All right.

There's this bra standing on the corner, right?

Dwarf walks up to her carrying a suitcase.

She says, how much?

She says, a one. He says, all right.

Takes her up to her room.

She says, all right, take your clothes off, get on the bed.

So she lays down on the bed.

Dwarf opens his suitcase.

Pulls out these four springs, right? Puts one on each hand, one on each foot.

Bounces over to the bed, gets on top of her, boing, boing, starts bouncing up

and down like a madman.

Boing, boing, gives her the best shag she's ever had in her life, right?

She's on her for like two hours, she's shagging away, boing, boing, right?

Bounces off her after a while, right? And it's the best fuck she's ever had in

her life.

She's laying on her bed, she's like, I'm sorry, but that was just amazing. That

was the best fuck I've ever had in my life.

What technique do you call that?

It's just four spring pull technique, you know?

There were two old guns here. Where are they now?

Not in the cabinet, there wasn't. There was a couple of old Amalach muskets the

butler was carrying, but they were ours. We sold them. We got to hand-sell them,

sharpish. They were ours. We had to sell them. I'm not fucking interested!

If you don't want to be counting the fingers you haven't got or sharing a bed

with the Antichrist, I suggest you get those guns.

Quick!

Get us ice cream while you're at it.

That takes care of that lot, son.

Gotta smash double-headed if we only stay together.

Talking about you, talking about me.

I'm 18 with a bullet.

Got my finger on the trigger.

I'm gonna put this around.

Be my side.

Beside me Right now, right now I'm a single But pretty soon you'll

see We'll have a hit

Thank you.