Original subtitles

Principal Coleman, we'd love to get your thoughts

on a spike in teacher layoffs throughout the district.

Oh, I've got thoughts for days.

"This Abbott Life" has been begging for a sit down with Ava.

I was afraid it would go off the rails,

but they have some really insightful questions.

I mean, this may be our best episode yet.

But is this really how you want to use my airtime?

Podcasts aren't for information. They're for hot takes.

We love hot takes, but Mr. C thinks

we should keep things school-focused.

Yeah. I think it would be best if we just kind of stay--

Well, I'm his boss, so overruled.

No need to give me topics. I'll just go.

Be our guest.

An actor's height should be listed on screen

whenever they appear.

Even if they're short? Especially.

I need to know what I'm working with.

Music should not be sad.

But... Giveon?

No. Sorry. Life's hard enough.

Oh. Cheating is not a crime. Ava!

On people, or on tests?

Both.

I mean, you shouldn't do it, but it's not illegal.

That's just a fact.

I can't wait for our listeners to hear this.

I've already deleted the recording.

Mm!

What about Rehoboth Beach?

We really want to try something new.

Yeah, somewhere neither of us have been.

Are you kids planning a trip?

Yeah. Gregory and I are taking

our first big vacation out of state.

Yeah, we want to go so far, we couldn't walk there,

no matter how much I believe I could.

They're in the ideation phase.

Well, you know, you can't go wrong with the Jersey shore.

Just make sure that you call dibs on your nickname first,

'cause I was the original Situation.

Yeah, I think we want to go somewhere a little more...

not the Jersey shore.

Yeah. Somewhere with outdoor activities.

Yeah. Fine. Have a bad time.

See what I care?

Like day-drinking on the boardwalk

is not an outdoor activity.

How about wherever your finger lands

on a spinning globe?

We know the perfect place is out there for us.

Yeah. We'll figure it out.

My advice-- just pick somewhere good enough

and make the best of it.

No couple ever agrees 100% on the perfect vacation spot.

Well, this couple can and will.

Sorry. My bike got a flat this morning,

Elijah and I broke up,

and my kids won't stop saying, "Cream cheese bagel."

Janine and Gregory are all I have.

No designer labels.

Looks like a regular outfit, right?

Wrong. Those joggers-- $900.

It's called stealth wealth.

Only another wealthy like myself could clock.

Hey, hon, could I request a guest pass

for a Jonathan Pierce, please?

Who the hell is that?

Oh, he's an old student of mine.

Yeah. Great kid.

Big, big success now, which I can't help but think

maybe I got a little something to do with.

Which field? Finance.

Ah. And I knew he'd make it, too.

Kid was always whip-smart. Real hustler.

What's he drive? Ava, you have a boyfriend.

Reflex.

Yeah. I'm gonna have him talk to the kids,

give them a little motivation.

Well, do you at least know his net worth?

Barbara...

Hmm? ...talk to your kids.

They're throwing away your class snacks.

What on earth are you talking about, Mr. Johnson?

I'm finding stray raisins and cheese rounds

all over the school.

Well, it's not my children.

Mnh-mnh-mnh! They love their snacks and always have.

I know what I'm seeing.

They're gonna bring in the rats.

And when they bring in the rats, what comes for the rats?

I haven't the slightest idea.

Bigger rats.

Please leave, Mr. Johnson. Suit yourself.

But no one listens to the bald, black, and beautiful protagonist

until it's too late.

Uh-huh.

Hey, Jacob...

we figured out where we're gonna go on vacation.

And you seemed so invested earlier,

we thought you should be the first to know.

Thank you.

Yeah. Well, we are going to...

the Outer Banks. Neither of us has been.

It's on Essence's top-10 list

for vacation spots for black couples,

and it looks really nice. Well, I think it's genius.

I love the Banks-- inner, Outer, and Elizabeth.

Isn't the Outer Banks

where all those white teens murder each other?

Hmm! No, thanks.

Have fun getting murked.

Wait. That's just on the show, right?

Yes. Don't listen to her.

Okay.

But just to be safe,

if you do see a white teen, maybe cross the street.

I do that anyway. Yeah.

Alright, well, now that that is all settled,

it's time for the fun part.

The itinerary.

Ooh!

Melissa, your rich son is here.

Man, I wish. I am not that lucky.

Hey!

You are that rich, though.

I know a $750 belt when I see one.

Stealth wealth.

It's great to see you, kid.

Ah, it's good to see you, too.

Oh, man! Everybody, this is Jonathan Pierce.

He was in the first class I ever taught,

and he is in town.

On business. From New York City.

But don't hold that against him.

Say hi. Hi.

Okay. Well, you guys have got it good, okay?

Because I would not be where I am today without Ms. Schemmenti.

I don't get sentimental about much,

but a former student coming back

and telling me I made a difference--

that's right up there with an Eagles victory.

You know, Jonathan,

some of these kids have been talking smack about math.

They think it's about as useful as a fork in a soup convention.

Well, you know, I used to think the same thing.

But things get a lot more interesting

when you start using math to supersize your wallet.

$500,000 cash or lunch with Beyoncé's husband?

Always take the money.

Jay-Z told me that personally.

Okay. Everybody, hey, don't forget your homework.

It could make you rich someday.

Alright. You're the real deal.

How long you in town?

Eh, a few more days, probably.

Great. Come back tomorrow.

I want to talk NFTs, ETFs,

and W-H-Y they're not making me any money.

Yeah, I am--

I am just so proud of you, talking to the kids.

You're a businessman.

Thank you. You changed my life.

You know, not everyone keeps it real with kids.

But you? "Stick it to the man.

The system is corrupt, so you got to get yours." Hey...

And I stand by that.

So, I wanted to ask you a favor.

Yeah, sure. What's up?

Well, I was hoping that you could, uh,

write a letter about my character.

Oh. For, like, a job?

Close. For a judge.

Oh, it's for a trial?

Not a trial. I got convicted.

What happened?

A little crypto coin here, a little NFT there.

Rug pull, and suddenly people want their money back.

Anyway, I'm looking at 9 to 36 months,

so I was hoping that you could help me out with that.

I found a great vacation rental,

and it has a kitchen in case you want to cook.

Ooh! See, I had been looking at hotels

'cause I thought we can then get room service, you know,

or weird knocks at weird times of the day.

Okay, well, what about a bed-and-breakfast?

Perfect. Yeah?

Best of both worlds. Yes.

Hopefully, we can find one close to a spa

so then we can get massages.

Uh, that will be great after all the hiking. Mm-hmm.

Or before.

Either or. Right. Mm-hmm.

Oh. I also have the perfect route.

If we leave by 4:00 a.m.,

we'll get to the Outer Banks by noon.

Wait. Were there no more direct flights?

We should have did that first, because those go.

Uh, I meant-- I meant for the drive.

Oh.

Why would we drive when we could fly?

Well, flying's expensive.

Yes, but it's quicker.

You know, which leaves you more time to relax,

which is the point of vacation.

Yeah. It's an, um--

It's a really scenic drive, though.

Some people say it's better than the Outer Banks itself.

I-95-- it's-- it's great.

It will-- It will save us a ton.

I don't really want to drive.

I'm not really trying to fly.

It's Jacob.

Oh.

I'm on the edge of my seat.

Tell me the rest of your perfect plan.

Uh... Uh...

We're still-- We're-- It's an, um...

Like, we're working on it pretty much right now. Yeah.

Well, then, why did you answer?!

Okay. So if Sally and Tommy want to get from door one

to door two as efficiently as possible,

they would take...

a straight shot.

Less than eight hours.

Same vehicle. The most logical route.

Hey. I couldn't help

but overhear your math lesson, Mr. Eddie.

And funnily enough,

I am teaching a sociology lesson with the exact same characters.

Second graders? Yeah.

Here are Tommy and Sally, smiling and laughing.

Right? Having a beautiful and low-effort time at the airport.

Until their flight gets delayed,

and, then, all that airport time

starts cutting into their vacation time.

Mm-hmm. Which is much better

than being stuck in traffic for hours in a cramped car.

Well, Sally could throw her feet up on the dashboard.

You know her feet can't reach.

So-- Sorry not sorry to interrupt, children.

Mr. Johnson.

We're in the middle of something.

See that?

I've been stepping on raisins and walking lopsided all day.

And it's all your little faults.

Excuse me.

But nobody gets to accuse my students of snack crimes

without definitive proof.

In fact, I'm going to end this right here.

Children, if you like the snacks that I pass out,

please raise your hands.

I love your snacks! They're yummy!

They're lying.

Mr. Johnson, I have been teaching kindergarten

long enough to know

when my students are lying and when they are not.

This is a not.

So please go look elsewhere,

because I have a lesson to teach.

Is it on gaslighting?

Because I know a few experts.

Mr. Johnson...

thank you, sir.

Thank you so much.

Is Jonathan here yet?

I've got a hot, new investment to run by him.

Did you know you could put money into your retirement?

Yes.

I did, too.

It's just that he makes it sound so fresh.

That man is going places.

Yeah. Prison.

What?! For how long?

Well, it depends... on me.

He asked me to write a letter for the judge

'cause they got him on some crypto thing.

But you know what?

All those finance guys do that kind of thing, right?

Yeah. All the good ones. Yeah.

So, I believe in second chances.

Hell, I'll give you third or fourth if my mother makes me.

It's the only reason my sister's still alive.

Anyway, I wrote him the letter, so--

You wrote a letter by yourself?

Humans don't have to do that anymore, Melissa.

I was cleaning up, and I found this trail of raisins.

I'm following it to see where it leads.

Probably to a giant rat king,

which would be horrifying, yet exciting.

Oh, my God!

Hey, guys.

What's wrong?

Nothing.

Oh, my God! It's worse than I thought.

Elijah said nothing...

...right before he said everything.

We're just having some disagreements on the itinerary.

Yeah. He wants to start a vacation

with an eight-hour drive.

7 hours and 37 minutes.

I found a shortcut.

You know what doesn't need shortcuts?

Air travel. Okay. Alright.

Well, uh, let's just take a breath.

Um... yeah. That's just a-- just a bump in the road.

Yeah. There are no roads when you fly.

You two are the greatest couple known to Jacob and Abbott

and probably the world, okay?

You can figure this out.

I know you can.

You are Gregory and Janine, super couple.

Nothing can stop you.

Okay. You know what? Jacob, you-- you are right.

Then you would have been right without holding our hands.

Yes.

Yeah. We'll figure something out.

We got this.

That's right you will!

And yes, you do!

But in the end, who helps Jacob?

What?

It's about time you showed up.

Feast your eyes on this.

Oh!

What in the world am I looking at?

Mount Cheesy Raisin.

Remember what I've been saying to you

and you've been saying I was wrong?

My students have been lying to me.

And they've been lying to you.

You got to do whatever it takes to get yours.

'Cause believe me, everybody else is getting theirs.

Yeah, but you could also do good things

with your money, right?

Like, you could give it to charity or--

Oh, that is a great point, Ms. Schemmenti.

Kids, charities will go a long way

when tax season rolls around.

Doesn't anyone ever come after you?

Oh, yeah, they used to. All the time.

That's why I do things the right way now.

See, when you're looking for people to invest,

make sure they are vulnerable--

like desperate, even.

Okay. Uh, class dismissed.

Uh, class started five minutes ago.

Then do your worksheet, okay? Let's go. Ticktock.

Man. It's just that inspiring the youth inspires me.

That is a great line for the letter

if you're still working, by the way.

Anybody need help with their math?

Uh, yeah.

What you got going on over here?

Hey. Hey.

Okay. So, I figured it out.

Oh, my gosh. Great. 'Cause I was still stumped.

I know you don't want to be in the car for seven hours,

and I respect that, and I hear it.

So I have a solution. Flying.

Atlantic City.

That way, the drive is only an hour and a half.

Oh. I feel like that's a place that we could still walk to.

Yeah, it would be like 32 hours. Still pretty far.

Okay. But this option cuts out flying altogether.

Yeah. Absolutely.

I wanted to go to the Outer Banks.

Ah. There you are.

Gregory told me the problemo went adiós.

My words, not his. So, uh, what's the plan, Stan?

Atlantic city. Problem solved.

Why isn't your beautiful smile reaching your beautiful eyes?

It's great. You know, I just--

I really wanted to go to the Outer Banks,

out of the Tri-State area.

But-- But Atlantic City is great, too.

That's it.

I am going full millennial,

because you two are #CoupleGoals.

Waves got rough. You stayed the course.

And here you are, arriving on the coveted Compromise Island...

which Elijah and I can't seem to dock on.

But maybe I could bring the anchor.

You're right. About what? I know. I just said a lot.

Compromise is the key.

But what if there was a better compromise out there?

Exactly! Plenty of compromises in the sea.

Let's go talk to Gregory. Dat, dat, dat!

I will talk to Gregory.

And maybe you should call Elijah.

Aye aye, Captain.

Wow.

Big things ahead for those kids.

Well, they loved you. Aw.

So, um, got any big plans for after you get out?

Any takeaways from this? Yeah.

Lots of changes. Lots of room for improvement.

Okay. You don't have to worry about that.

I'm worried 'cause I looked up your case.

Senior citizens-- that's who you're scamming?

I mean, come on. You got any remorse?

You got any plans to make it right?

Oh, yeah. Big-time, all that.

Okay. So, I-I wrote the letter.

Phew! Thank you.

You know, it was no after no

until I was finally like, "Hold on a minute.

Who is the ultimate hustler?"

Right. "Ms. Schemmenti."

Next time, I'm coming to you first.

Okay, wait.

Next time? No. You're right.

I'm not gonna get caught again. No paper trail.

You taught us that back in the day.

I never taught you to punch down.

I taught you, "Give them a taste of their own medicine,"

not, "Make it so Nonna can't afford hers."

Okay, look. I can't sign off on this, kid.

No, no, no, no, no. Hold on. Wait.

You're right. No more old people.

I'll find a different group for my next thing.

And I'll let you invest.

I'll give you a great deal, okay?

Whatever it takes. I just-- Okay, listen.

I need that letter.

You were a really bright kid, Jonathan.

But more than that, you had a good heart.

And I know it's still in there.

So that's it?

I guess.

Mr. Johnson, I have spoken to my class,

and there will be no more snacks on the floor

or shoved into the cabinets.

Where are they gonna shove them, then?

Nowhere.

I've reminded them that snacks are for eating

and trash is for the garbage.

Although who knows if I can even tell

if they're being truthful anymore.

And I thought I had them all figured out.

These aren't the kids of yesteryear.

Oh, honey, you got that right.

Between Pokémon, YouTube Kids, and the Zeus Network,

who knows what they're learning on these tablets?

Mm. Tell you what. I got your back as long as you got mine.

Deal? Deal.

Hey. Mm?

For your shopping, here's a list of snacks

that I've always wanted to try that the kids might like, too.

Most of them have been discontinued,

and the rest can only be found in North Korea.

I've got it.

Got what? Eh!

Okay, so, I love how you and I can compromise.

But I thought, what if there was a compromise

that was a little bit more compromise-y?

Uh, okay. I guess I'd be open to that.

I thought that you would.

Which is why I went ahead

and purchased our plane tickets to the Outer Banks.

What? Yeah.

We both wanted to go there.

It's a perfect place. Um, money was the issue.

I took care of it.

Uh, no. The issue was that

we shouldn't be spending money on flights if we don't have to.

It's a waste.

Well, it was my money,

and I don't think it was a waste.

Look, you and I have always had different philosophies on money.

You know, you like to budget your tokens at Dave & Buster's,

which I think is insane, but we make it work.

Well, it works because my system yields the best result.

Buying the tickets isn't a compromise.

Alright. Well, to be fair, your idea--

Atlantic City was a good compromise.

Except only you chose it.

It was a cheap idea.

I'd rather be cheap than be bad with money.

What was-- Why--

What was-- Are those the chirps of my jet-setting lovebirds?

Ready to go?

Ready. Yeah, yeah. Let me, um...

Great.

Hey. Did you send that man to the slammer?

Okay, well, I didn't personally,

but I kind of feel like I did.

Mm.

Come on.

He is not your responsibility.

It's not like you're his mom, his dad, or his teacher.

Okay, you had me till the last one.

He's had plenty of teachers before and after you.

Hell. Maybe it was Barbara's fault.

I just feel like he took the wrong idea

from my lessons, you know?

No offense, but you're not that influential.

If you were, you'd be getting asked

to write a lot more of those statements.

I've written one for every member of my family.

But that's family.

Look. This is how he wants you to feel.

The only thing scammers love more than scamming

is blaming other people for their scams.

He did what he did.

Yeah.

Okay. Yeah.

Thank you, Ava. I appreciate that. Thank you.

It's what I do.

Now, did he happen to explain

any of the inner workings of that scam to you?

I'm not doing this with you.

I need to supplement my income!

I took a pay cut in my relationship!

Look, I think we both said things

that we didn't mean earlier.

And I love you.

I love you, too.

Alright.

So what are we gonna do?

I still think we can make Atlantic City work.

Gregory, I don't want to do that.

Okay. Well, then,

I guess we're driving to the Outer Banks, then.

You're not hearing me.

I am hearing you.

But it doesn't change the way I feel

about spending money on flights.

It's irresponsible.

You understand you're calling me irresponsible?

No, I'm not. You are.

I didn't say anything about you. That's been the implications of this the whole time.

I mean, I really don't want to fight about this.

You think I want to?! I don't either!

Maybe we just shouldn't go on vacation.

So what? We're never gonna go on vacation?

I would love to.

But if we can't figure out how to travel

without pointlessly spending money...

That's not-- ...then I don't know.

Okay. Well, that's not a good sign for our relationship.

That I'm at a loss.

That's not a good sign either.

This shouldn't be this hard.

I mean, if we cannot figure out something like this,

then how are we even gonna make it together?

We won't if we can't get on the same page.

Then maybe we should break up.

That was not, uh...

I have no idea what just happened.

What are you doing here so early?

I woke up on cloud nine.

Elijah came over last night and we got back together.

Life is good.

I thought I'd come in early and take a gratitude stroll.

Feeling pretty grateful myself this morning.

Now that I'm with Ms. Carroll, trash smells even sweeter!

I'm happy for you, Mr. Johnson.

And hey, if you two ever need advice,

don't hesitate to come to me.

Stay out of grown folks' business.

I'm just saying. I've become sort of the relationship expert.

Ask Janine and Gregory.

They're in love as a clam, all 'cause of me.

Oh. That's Janine texting me now.

Damn it, Jacob!

I just put a bag in that!