Original subtitles

Okay, let's keep the pace steady, guys.

Remember, it is a stroll, not a sprint.

It was my turn to teach P.E. this week,

and although most of the athletic skills in my family

went to my brother, Caleb,

I know a thing or two about a long, cathartic walk.

Mr. C, this is so boring.

Well, have you ever tried

winning fake arguments in your head?

That works for me.

Can we just play dodgeball again?

However, it's been hard to find things for them to do.

Only thing they like is dodgeball.

But what am I gonna do?

Have them play dodgeball every time?

'Cause...

yeah, I-I think I might do that.

We really need a gym teacher.

Jaaacobbb!

We also need a gym.

"And the bunny jumped so high

that even the clouds said...

'Good morning.'”

Yes.

So it's been about four weeks now in the mall,

and it's not great.

But... we're kind of doing awesome.

We even sent out report cards,

and the students are actually getting better grades

than they did this time last year.

So, not to flex, but it's kind of amazing

how well we made this mall work out for us.

Maybe you can win "a mall" ('em all).

Now, what is a good name for a bunny?

Oh, oh, oh.

Uh, Cierra.

Hopper. Hopper. Yes.

Hey, Diante.

Why don't you come sit right here? Right?

'Cause I think that Cierra is doing an excellent job

during reading time, and she might help you focus.

Alright?

Good.

This. Is what. I do.

Not now, Dia.

I'm trying to get ready for this staff meeting.

I have it on my schedule

that you have a meeting with a... Mr. Johnson.

I'm ready for my meeting.

What do you want? This mall is too damn big.

I can't clean it all myself.

I'm just a man with a mop.

Fine. I'll see if I can find somebody.

No need. I've put together a short list of individuals

who have a particular set of cleaning skills.

Mr. Ronson,

the janitor that invented Flamin' Hot Cheetos.

John Wick-- not a real person. Not that John Wick.

John Wick, the janitor,

who also happens to be an assassin of dirt.

Well, none of these people are in a union,

but the district threw us into a mall,

so hopefully they'll send somebody.

Mr. Johnson: She didn't even read through the entire list.

Matt Damon from "Good Will Hunting."

Mr. Johnsun--

different spelling, same swagger.

Wall-E, if you like clankers.

And last but not least, Gregory Eddie,

because that man always needs a job.

And remember, unlike our school,

the rodents run the building.

They were here before us, and they'll be here long after us.

So show them some respect.

I held the door open for one this morning.

Please stop letting more rats in.

He was actually on his way out, but okay. My bad.

Also, the district said

that they're coming by later this week

with some exciting news to share.

I'm guessing it's about getting back into Abbott,

otherwise, just send an email, God.

Right? I hate emails that could have been meetings.

That has to mean that we're gonna go back, right?

Actually, when I rode by the school last week,

all of the construction trucks were cleared.

Hallelujah! We're going home!

Guys, we did it.

We survived the mall!

Barbara, I just want to say that you held this down,

as always, with such poise.

And, Melissa, no one adapted better than you.

I mean, you basically turned into your younger self.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Yeah, we've really been through some stuff.

I didn't think we were gonna make it.

Well, some of us did not make it.

Oh, yeah, people quit. Damn, was that this year?

You know, I just want everybody to know

that you should be very proud of yourselves,

because this-- this was a thankless job. Mm-hmm.

But what we did was one for the books. Yes.

Even if nobody on the outside will ever know it

or truly appreciate it.

Just like "Night at the Museum 2."

What? "Battle of the Smithsonian"?

The exhibits come to life?

Forcing an unappreciated trauma bond

between the core characters, which they can't talk about...

Because how do you explain magic? ...because how do you explain magic?

Oh, my God, that movie is in my top five. Why...

Good morning. You must be Mr. Johnson.

I'm Miss Carroll, the additional janitor you asked for.

There seems to have been a mistake.

You're definitely not on my list.

I wasn't told about a list.

I was just told that the person cleaning this mall

wasn't man enough to handle it.

Which is why they sent in a real janitor.

I may be old-fashioned, but women have no business cleaning.

You ask me, they need to get back to where they belong--

in the Wall Street boardroom and coaching in the NFL.

Alright, alright, settle down.

The district is here with what they keep saying

is an important announcement, but then they sent him.

Hey, everyone.

Janine, Jacob, what's good? Dude--

Simon, are we getting back into Abbott or what?

Yes. Is it ready yet?

We are gonna get you back in there very soon.

Okay, but I'm here for something even sicker.

Okay, "The Philadelphia Inquirer" has sent a reporter

to do an article about you. Oh.

Hi.

Wait.

Why? Oh. Hey, man. What's up?

How you doing, man? You good? What's up, money? You good?

Good to see you. Come on.

Look, as I'm sure you all know,

you've been straight-up killing it in this space, okay?

Grades are up, incidents are down,

and people are taking notice.

Yeah, okay. What else have you got to say about us?

Well, you're changing the face of education.

So much so, we think this is worthy enough

for the front page.

I've always thought that. I've always thought that.

Yeah, it's totally tubular.

Well, finally, some thanks.

It's about time. And that's not all.

We reached out to Scholastic to tell them about it.

They've decided to donate brand-new school supplies

and even a mobile library.

Ooh, like the Criterion Closet!

I don't know what that is.

Criter-- The movies. It's like...

You guys are rock stars.

All of you. Yes, exactly.

Extra, extra! Read all about... us!

Ah! Let's see, let's see, let's see.

"Do Schools Even Need Schools?"

That's a weird headline.

Yeah, that's because you're reading it wrong.

It's "Do Schools Even Need Schools?"

Right. Oh, my God, they used my quote.

"Teaching is fun." Did they use mine?

"The Giants suck." Is that in there? Um...

Move, move, move. You all are so concerned with your little pull quotes,

you're missing the bigger picture.

How did it make us look? Incredible.

It's all about how, even under dire circumstances,

we are rising to the occasion.

No, dumb-dumb. How did we look?

The pictures. Oh.

Oh, beautiful, obviously.

I wouldn't kick us out of the pew.

Y'all, look. They called us heroes.

You know, I always heard people call teachers heroes,

and I was like, "Eh."

But now that it's about me, I kinda get it.

Are we sure this is the message we want to send to the public?

I mean, our library is in a truck.

This is a good thing. How could it not be?

Hmm.

Hey! What do you think you're doing?

This is called cleaning.

I know what it's called. I invented it.

But you're supposed to start on the first floor.

Dust kicks up.

No. Start with the second floor.

Dirt goes down.

Lady, what are you even doing this work for?

You should be in active combat

or flying a space shuttle somewhere.

Well, bad news for you,

'cause I'm right here in this mall on planet Earth.

So why don't you clean your precious downstairs

and we can just meet in the middle?

Fine.

A woman with a mop.

Whole dang world is falling apart.

Ooh, the Schemmenti family name on the front page

and nowhere does it say "evasion, tax, or conviction."

Ms. Alomar, have you seen the front page of the "Inquirer"?

We're on it.

Oh, nice. That is pretty great.

The district came down, and they told us how we're killing it.

And then Scholastic donated all these school supplies.

Folders, pens, pencils.

Do yourself a kindness and poke into the box of erasers.

Not a bad color in the lot.

Yeah, and the district is loving it.

Oh, I bet they are.

What'd you mean by that?

Was it the headline that threw you off?

'Cause it got me at first, too.

I think it's more "Do Schools Even Need Schools?"

And less "Do Schools Even Need Schools?"

When the district was here, did they tell you guys

when you're getting back into Abbott?

They did. Soon. Yep.

Look, I'm not saying the article is bad.

I just think they're using it as a way

to distract you guys from the fact

that you're not getting back into Abbott.

That is absurd.

Like, who even would use the media to distract people

from shady stuff?

Correct. Girl, you are tall, but you are wrong.

Okay.

But I've also seen construction workers at another school

who said the district pulled them from Abbott.

Well, that's probably because the crew

was basically done at Abbott.

And so, you know, that's why there were no trucks when I rode by.

Yeah. Tall. Wrong. Bogus.

Or you guys are doing such a good job here

that now there's no sense of urgency.

But, hey, I didn't come here to burst any bubbles.

Oh, really? Because I see no bubbles left unbursted.

Maybe you're right. Maybe I'm wrong.

Or maybe I'm tall and right.

Who could know?

She's clearly confused.

But what if, just for the sake of it,

we see for ourselves.

'Cause I'm 99% sure that I am both short and right.

Which is the best combination, right?

Right. But let's go see.

Watch where you're going.

I must have been focused on all the dirt

that still needs to be cleaned up.

Please. My side is practically spotless.

Really? With that sorry solution.

Like yours is anything special. What you got there?

Clorox? It's homemade.

So is my concoction.

On three, we say the ingredients. Three.

Ammonia, juice of three lemons, and a dash of cognac.

I guess you do know your stuff.

I'll teach you a trick to enhance it.

Bootleg Chanel No. 5.

The real stuff won't do it.

You're different than I thought.

I get that a lot.

But so are you.

Well, look at that. Mm-hmm.

Everything's coming along just fine.

I'm gonna climb a ladder and make Alomar eat her words.

Ooh. Oh.

A squatter. He has a right to be here.

You have the right to be here.

No, I'm just a construction worker on my lunch break.

So you guys going for, like, a henchman's lair kind of vibe?

Yeah. You guys are almost done here, right?

Define "almost" and "done" and "guys,"

'cause it's just me.

So you're telling us that you are the sole construction worker

for this entire school?

Well, they pulled the other guys off this project

to handle something pressing at another school.

What could be more pressing than getting us out of a mall?

Okay, well. Hang on. It's not the mall's fault.

Oh, yeah. Y'all the mall school people from the paper.

Seems like y'all doing alright over there.

Good on y'all.

Can't go anywhere without being recognized.

Just tell us when this is gonna be done.

Don't know. I'm just a guy with a sandwich and a hammer.

You don't have a hammer.

That's what I forgot at home.

Gonna set us back another day, for sure.

You know what?

Now you don't have a sandwich, either.

Give me your napkin.

I thought I would feel better after getting some answers,

but I feel nothing.

At least before, it felt like

there was light at the end of the tunnel. Yeah?

But now it feels like we are trapped in the tunnel,

which is why I always tell Gerald, "Take the bridge."

Oh, trapped in a tunnel.

It's my second greatest fear.

Unfortunately, death by bridge is number one.

So what are you gonna do?

But yeah, I'm bummed, too.

Well, at least now we know. I mean, that's something.

So let's just put our heads down and keep working.

Look, we've been doing a great job in the mall,

so we can keep doing it.

What? I can be mad at the district, too.

Just never seen you throw out a good picture

of yourself before.

Diante, remember, it is quiet working time.

Cierra, why don't you come over here and sit by Diante, okay?

Cierra, everything okay?

I just wanted to sit with my friends.

And you're making me sit with Diante again.

Well, look, it's just

that Diante can sometimes use a little bit more help,

and you're doing so well.

It's not fair, though.

It may not seem fair,

but you should feel good

that no matter what situation I put you in,

you always rise to the occasion and--

Oh, my God.

She's a metaphor. Don't you get it?

She's Abbott, I am the district,

Diante's the mall, or he's the other school or something.

Whatever. Just trust me. It works.

We don't have to take this.

Yes! Twisted Sister, except it's,

"We're Not Gonna Take It."

God, the '80s rocked!

No, the district is punishing us because we're the good kid,

which is what I was doing to Cierra and Diante in my class.

But don't worry, I stopped. The district didn't.

W-What's happening now?

Okay. Because we did such a great job

managing this terrible situation,

the district's just gonna keep us in this mall forever.

They should be rewarding us for crushing it,

but instead they're taking away our construction crew

and giving it away to some other struggling school, à la Diante,

because they think we can handle it.

Okay, yeah. I'm following you.

Right. Uh-huh.

And we need to stand up to them

the way Cierra stood up to me.

Nope. Lost it.

What I'm saying is that it's not right

for me to punish Cierra for doing well,

and it isn't right for Simon to do the same thing to us.

Okay, so we're not gonna take it.

Rock 'n' roll!

Yes! We need to go down to the district

and demand that they fix our school.

Now, who the hell is with me?

You had me at Twisted Sister, sister. I'm in!

Yeah. Yes!

Although I am most certainly not following your logic,

I, too, am fed up to here

with the district taking advantage of us.

I love when Barb gets mad. Anyone else?

Hear, hear! The district won't know what's comin'! Actually...

You alright? You want to get down? No, I'm...

Just get down. Did you get dizzy?

But I love the energy. Let's go.

Yeah. Alright.

She means now.

Did you get the metaphor? 'Cause it feels like

people didn't really get it.

Yeah, yeah. No, no, I got it. It made sense. It worked?

Okay. You're good, you're good.

Let's go! Let's go!

Let's go, Barb! Come on, honey.

That's when I knew I had to give up being a supermodel,

pick up the mop, and go after my dreams.

As a former model myself,

I walked down so many runways, I never knew where I was headed.

How do you just get it?

One day, someone spilled a Zima backstage.

I cleaned it up. Never looked back.

I've been chasing that high ever since.

I've cleaned all over this world.

But no one has ever understood me like you do.

All my life, I thought I'd be a lone custodial wolf,

but Miss Carroll has opened my eyes.

Women can be so much more than oil riggers,

miners, steelworkers.

They can clean, and let no one tell you otherwise.

Anything is possible.

Anything is possible!

Simon, we are si-- Oh, he's on the phone.

Hey, everybody. Just go ahead!

Could you guys come back in like five, maybe?

I don't think so, pal.

How about that? Yeah, no, I guess I can call my Grammy back later.

Yeah. So what-- what can I do for the, uh--

the heroes of Abbott Elementary?

Oh, the heroes... Wait, no.

Enough of your mind tricks.

They will not work on us anymore.

Yeah, we're done with your worthless compliments

while you actively don't support us.

Oh, man, I worked really hard on those,

but I appreciate the constructive feedback.

That shows that you care.

You district people have been slow as sloths repairing Abbott.

Yeah. So we went down there to see for ourselves...

and-- surprise!-- yeah, no one's working.

Except that one hammer sandwich guy,

and there's no way he's enough.

Yeah. You're taking advantage of us

because we're good at what we do just to make our jobs harder.

And if there's one thing I won't stand for,

it's-- it's making my job harder.

Okay. I'm sorry that the school repairs are not going as quick

as you'd like, but on God, we're not punishing you.

Maybe not on purpose, but--

But it's what's going on. It finally happened.

I finished one of your sentences, man.

Listen, your furnace breaking alerted us to other problems

across the district.

So we're trying to fix those schools

before their buildings become unusable.

There's only so many dead malls.

Yes, but those students are still in working schools.

While my children, they are learning in a bankrupt KB Toys.

And now our kids know

that toy stores used to exist and can close.

It's not a fun conversation.

Look, I promise you,

they are working on getting you back into Abbott.

The district made a decision

that they're gonna repair other schools first.

First? Simon, we deserve to be back in Abbott now.

Fo sho.

Don't "fo sho" her. Do something about it.

Alright, I'll make some calls.

Gregory, Janine, Jacob, are we still good?

N-No, no, no, no, no. No. We will see how those calls go.

We're going back to Abbott, y'all.

Go ahead and thank me.

Let's trash this place!

Yeah, trash it all!

Hey, hey! Unh-unh! Whoa.

First off, what are you doing?

Sorry, sorry. I got caught up in the moment.

We are not going back to Abbott today.

But we will be going back in the next two weeks.

Yes, and-- and we just want to let you all know

we are so proud of what you've done here.

This has been less than ideal,

but you stuck it out and you made it through.

And to persevere through such tremendous adversities,

that speaks volumes about your little characters.

And you have all done an incredible job.

So does this mean we're the real heroes?

You're so cute.

Not according to the Philly "Inquirer," kiddo.

That's us.

Well, I guess I'm shipping off.

You know, Abbott isn't that far. Shh.

Let's just end things now before it gets too...

Messy.

Where's she going?

She knows she gotta keep cleaning the mall

until we leave, right?

Do we even want to know whatever that was?

They're clearly in love.

What? Oh, and you're just gonna let her get away?

Forget it, Jacob. Just a mallmance.

Oh, I know all about mallmances.

You know, me and Benny Bonzo, we only lasted four hours,

but what a time we had.

I'm gonna miss your weird

and somewhat inappropriate mall stories.

You know, in a few months,

when I forget about how hard this all has been,

I might actually miss this mall.

Me too.

Home sweet home.

Yeah. Loved that mall

like a sister, if I liked my sister.

But man, it is good to be back.

Oh, and it's better than ever.

Check out this new brickwork.

Nope. Same brick, same weird stain.

Should've left you in the mall.

Same smell.

And you know what? I don't mind it.

There's a new smell, too, though.

Yeah, kind of dewy.

Yeah. It's-- It's probably the mold.

Hopefully just the mold.

Ooh! We're back, baby!

Yeah.

Yep. Yeah...

Oh.

Dia! Where's my soldering iron?

Dia!

Check your bottom drawer.

You look rested. I am.

I had a lovely time on vacation.

Oh, you were gone? I hadn't noticed.

Yes.

I went to Crystal River in Florida

to snorkel with manatees.

Mm. Sounds super boring.

Well, you're excused.

I missed her...

s-so much.