All language subtitles for Tusk.2014.720p.WEB-DL.DD5.1.H264-RARBG

I'm gonna... I'm
gonna fucking piss my pants.

Hey,
if you wanna watch this video,

please go to our website
NotSeeParty.com.

N-O-T...

S-E-E...

And not "Nazi" with a "Z."

That'd be like cross-dressing

Adolf Eichmann-Liza Minnelli
impersonator.

If I... If I die of laughter
during this segment,

I don't want you to feel bad.

I want you all to know
that I died happy,

because this video is
the greatest thing that's ever
happened to me.

It's up to like
30 something million.

Here we... Here we go.

Shit!

I'm gonna talk to this kid
about everything.

I wanna know...
I wanna know
what he masturbates to,

I wanna know
if he kept the leg.
Did he keep the leg?

I gotta say though, man.
I've watched
this video enough.

I'm starting to feel bad
for the kid.

I'm not laughed out yet
but I'm feeling bad for him.

Feeling bad?
The kid's got tons of hits
'cause he's famous.

Right? I mean what more
do you want? He's got
more hits than I do.

I'm kinda in a
weird way, jealous.

I don't need both legs.
What am I?
I'm not running marathons.

So look out,
you crazy Canucks.

Something weird-ass
this way comes.

Next week, Wanderin' Wallace
takes a raunchy road trip

up to the Great White North
to meet with a star.

My only hope is that
he doesn't cry too much.

Join us next week while
Wallace sits down

with the one-legged wonder,
the master of self-mutilation

of Internet humiliation,
the Kill Bill Kid.

Which is about all you can do
if you're the Kill Bill Kid.

You just sit your
one-legged ass down,

- forever.
- Aw.

Oh, it's too easy.
It was right there!

-You're going to hell, man.
-They're like plums,
like low-hanging plums.

I had to grab it.

Until next time,
I'm Teddy Craft.

And this is Wallace Bryton
reminding you to...

Join ze Not-See Party!

Welcome to Canada.

Oh!

Hey, there.

Hey there, yourself,
fellow facial hair aficionado.

Yeah, not as good as you.
My God!

- Yeah, years back. Now it's...
- Los Angeles.

A man torn betwixt
Devils and Kings.

Oh! Hockey.

You're damn right, hockey.

Hmm. I don't really
follow hockey.

Okay.

Hands off the counter, please.

Really?

Yeah, really. Thank you.

- Sorry.
- Sorry.

- Sorry.
- Sorry.

Sorry.

When you're visiting the Great
White North of Canada,

you got your Cana-Do's and
you got your Cana-Don'ts.

Top shelf, right there.
Number one.

Don't go tell any Canadian
you don't follow hockey.

Of course!

I should've known that.
It makes 'em sad, right?

A Canadian doesn't get sad.

Sadness was made by the USA.

Oh, come on.
What does that mean?

Take off, it's true.
Right there on our flag.

It's right there
when you look at it.

When you see past that
sacred Maple Leaf,

you know what you see?

A white wall.

You see that in America,

you may be red,
white and blue.

But in Canada, you're red,
white but never blue, eh?

Ever.

Got you.
That's actually...

You know, I've never thought
of it that way before.

I always think of Canadians
as just nice.

Well, that right there
is another Cana-Don't.

We're not nice,
we're optimistic.
There is a difference.

- Right.
- And we're tolerant.

- Hmm.
- And we're hung like moose.

Oh!

That's great.

Back to business, then.
What're you doing in Manitoba?

Um,
I'm recording a podcast.

So what I do is, I, uh...

I travel around and
I interview weird
or interesting people

and I describe it
to my best friend

who does not see it first-hand

since he won't fly anywhere.

It's called The Not-See Party.

Whoa, whoa! Nazi Party?

Oh, no.
It's spelled N-O-T-S-E-E,

not the other... Hatey one.

You know, that Hitler.

You don't say Hitler
in an airport.

All right.

What the fuck is this?

Hey!

Oh, shit!

Oh, fuck!

Hey, fucker.
Are you ready for this?

Fucking Kill Bill Kid fucking
killed himself, sir!

With his own fucking sword!
Can you believe that shit?

I'm not fucking kidding you.

He couldn't hold out
for two more days,

the selfish little peg-legged
piece of shit.

I'm so pissed off right now.
I gotta find a flight
back tonight.

But I'm thinking I don't
wanna come all the way
back with nothing.

We need a show
this week, so...

I'm in fucking Winnipeg
in a bar called, uh...

Bar "H."

I don't know what the fuck
I'm gonna do. I'm gonna...

Try to find some other
Canadian weirdo up here
I can talk to, but...

I gotta be honest, man.

There is nothing weird
about Canada.

It is painfully
boring up here.

But shit! $550 for
a fucking plane ticket.

Selfish little prick.

I know it's fucked up
to say, but...

God damn it!
It was killing me.

All right.

Signing off from
the Great White North.

¶ Coo loo coo coo,
coo coo coo

¶ Coo loo coo coo

Oh, shit. Beep.

Hey, man,
where is your bathroom?

Hello, I am an old man

who has enjoyed a long
and storied life at sea.

I am a proud Canadian who has
traveled a peculiar path

lo these many years.

And after eons of
oceanic adventure,

I find myself a landlubber,

with Manitoba as
my final port.

I know I do not wish to spend
my remaining years alone

in a giant house.

Not when I have
such stories to share.

No, it's not the room
I'm interested in

as much as you, Mr. Howe.

Yeah, tonight would be...

That'd be amazing, sir.
Yes, thank you.

All right, where am I going?

Bifrost? Sounds erotic.

Okay, let me just ask
somebody how far I am.

Excuse me, hey!

Uh, how far is
Bifrost from here?

Bifrost?
Shit! That's far.

Yeah, it's about two hours
from here.

Yeah, the kids here at
the convenience store

are telling me that
it's "aboot"
two hours away.

I hate American guys.

Yeah,
what's your address?

So to this end,
I'm offering a room for rent

in my stately woodland home.

This arrangement will be
free of charge,

providing you perform
the simple household chores

I can no longer tend to

from the confines of
this cursed wheelchair.

But though I may be old,
I have lived.

And I will tell you all about
my many adventures,

in vivid detail.

Please feel free to call me
at the number below.

Respectfully, Howard Howe.

All right. This better be
fucking worth it.

You have arrived
at your destination.

Hello? Hello?

Hello!
Up here, please.

Hello?

Good evening!

Mr. Howe?

Well actually, it's Howard.

Mr. Howard, hey!

You know, when people first
become entangled with my name,

it's much like a
French bedroom farce.

Now, Mr. Howe would be
appropriate,

but I prefer the intimacy
of Howard.

Howard.

Now that we have that
unpleasantness out of the way,

may I welcome you
to Pippy Hill, my home.

Oh, yes. It's great.

- It's nice to meet you.
- Pleasure. Pleasure.

Could I interest you
in some tea?

You can. But first, uh...

Can I use your bathroom?

Smashing.

Phew!

Hoo-ah!

Oh, Jesus!

Whoo!

Well, did everything
come out all right?

Oh, yeah. Great.

Thank you.

You're welcome,
there's your tea.

All right. Thank you.

You know, my second wife...

I presume my last...

Used to say,
bless her heart.

"Rather saint than sin,
Better out than in."

She was referring to gas,
of course! Her own, mind you.

That's great.

This... Thank you.

You bet.

God damn,
this is good.

So did you find
the water closet satisfactory?

Oh, yes. Thank you so much.

That was great!

I was holding it in
for half the ride.

It's a little embarrassing
but, um...

I was kinda spooked
to get out of the car
in the middle of nowhere.

...You know.

I must say

your phone call
intrigued me.

Well, I'm telling you,
your handbill intrigued me.

Did I understand you
correctly on the phone

when you said
you weren't looking for
a living arrangement?

Mmm-mmm.

No, I live in Los Angeles.

- Oh?
- Yeah.

City of Angels.

Well, I've never seen
any myself.

More the opposite, really.

My grandma, Mimsy,
used to tell us,

"You needn't go very far to
find hell in a hand basket."

I like that. I like Mimsy.

Oh, my grandma...
My grandma used to say...

She'd say,
"Hell is your children."

Chain smoker,
"Hell is your children."
She was the worst.

How droll.

She must've been
an interesting woman.

Oh, now, she was flatulent.

Oh, let me tell you,
it was cra...

I've never seen
anything like it or
smelled anything like it.

She would hang stuff on
her walls, too. Just like you.

My life lines these walls,
Mr. Bryton.

And though I cannot
boast of legs,

that are functioning...

That keep me ambulatory.

I still thank the Lord for
leaving me with a memory,

a living memory of
my many adventures.

Yeah, those adventures are
what I'm here about, Mr. Howe.

You said that on the phone
that you were much more

interested in me personally
than you were the room.

Yes, because I saw this.

- Oh!
- Yeah.

And you have no idea, I'm up
here in this frozen shithole.

I think my trip is a bust.

And I feel like I just
stumbled into a goldmine,
with this thing.

And you talk about
sharing stories.
That's what I do.

I'm a storyteller by trade.

Oh, I see. You're a...
You're a writer?

Well, mmm-mmm.

I'm a podcaster.

What on earth is that?

Oh...

I'm sorry.
I'm not laughing at you.
You just...

You just reminded me
of my mom.

"Wally, what're you doing?"

Ugh, she's the worst.
You're fantastic.

Um, a podcast
is kinda like a...

It's like a radio show
that's not on the radio.

It's on...
It's on the Internet.

Does that make sense?

Uh-huh.

Yeah.
That's also like my mom.

It makes this sound
more confusing, doesn't it?

Uh, it sounds like this.

- Listen...
Now you listen to me.

I just came in my pants.

That's my McConaughey,
prematurely ejaculating.

I pissed my pants.

So you can actually
say those things
without any repercussion?

Yeah, the audience likes it,
real and raunchy.

So I try to keep it
real and raunchy.

And real raunchy.

You know the freedoms
your generation enjoys...

- Hmm.
- Oh, I tell you...

Libertines the lot of you.

Can I just tell you something?

This is gonna sound
really weird but...

I've never had tea like this.

It's blowing my mind.

I feel like I've never
had tea in my life.

Um, I'm like popping
my cherry.

I'm not even a tea person.

I believe we're all
tea people.

There's a trick to it.

You see,
you soak the leaves in
brandy before steeping.

Of course.

You can't lose with booze.

"Well, always do sober
what you'd do drunk.

"It will teach you to keep
your mouth shut."

Okay, okay.
Now, this one, I know. Uh...

Hemingway said that.

Yes, he did.

He said it to me.

You knew Ernest Hemingway?

Well, we met on
the waters of Normandy.

You were there for D-Day?

No, I was there before D-Day.

I was there when it was
called Operation Neptune.

Holy... Hold on.

You were on the beach?

No, no. I was on a boat
as was Ernie.

Ernie?

Ernie was deemed
"precious cargo"
by the powers that be,

so he was prohibited
from joining the incursion.

They ordered Hemingway
to stay on the boat?
Are you kidding?

Yes, they did.

Which vexed Mr. Hemingway,
to say the least.

You know how he loved
to hunt the big game.

Yeah.

Big and the deadly.
Well, there was nothing bigger
or deadlier than a Nazi.

Except perhaps a Nazi's
nagging wife.

Nazi bitches. Of course.

And so,
prohibited from joining
the incursion,

Hemingway went to the galley
in search of alcohol.

And the only one to oblige
him, of course,

was a 16-year-old potato
peeler on KP duty.

Oh, my God!

Holy shit, no kidding.

Yes,
so I proffered for Hemingway
a bottle of Wiser.

And I'll never forget
what he did next.

There was a smile crawled
across the man's face.

It was so slow as if it
were a caterpillar.

Then he turned to me and
slapped me on the back
and he said,

"You are a kitchen witch
of only good fortune."

Kitchen witch?

God.

So we drank Wiser and
when the reports
came back of how many...

boys had
fallen at Omaha.

That's when he said to me,

"Only do sober what
you'd do drunk.

"It will teach you to keep
your mouth shut."

Oh, God, that's...
That's nuts, man!

It's incredible.

Well, actually, if you look
to the right of the fireplace,

you'll see
the incredible aspect.

This is the bottle?

Holy shit!

This is the coolest thing
I've ever seen.

Well, it's just an old bottle.

But if you combine it
with a story,

then it becomes,
if I may say so,

a powerful talisman,

a doorway to another
time and place.

Perhaps, a drawbridge
to history.

Yeah.

So fucking cool.

What's this?

Ah!

I see, you have an eye
for the unfamiliar and
the curiosity of a cat.

That should take you very far.

That is the baculum
of a walrus.

The Alaskans call it an oosik.

Oosik.

Oh! So it's like a...
Like a walrus spine?

No. It's more like
a walrus cock.

Shut up!

I am a dirty boy, aren't I?

This is a walrus dick?

No, no. That's the baculum.

That's the bones found
in the penis of most
placental mammals

excluding man, of course.

Ah, that's not fair.

You know,

it is in aid of
sexual intercourse.

It maintains the stiffness
of the animal
during coital penetration.

Hey, if you got something
like this between your legs,

you don't need any help
with coital penetration.

Jesus Christ!

You are a rapscallion of the
highest order, Mr. Bryton.

- Can I get my hands on it?
- Yes, of course.

Wow!

No, what?
This is crazy.

You'd be right to admire
the walrus.

It is probably God's
most noble creature

far more evolved than
any man I've ever known.

Present company included.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

I appreciate that.

So where did you buy something
like this? A head shop?

Well, I became acquainted
with a walrus

when I was lost at sea.

Shut the front door!
You were lost at sea?

Yes.

Who are you,
Rudyard fucking Kipling?

In 1959,

I was back on a boat.

Around the Gulf of Anadyr

which is the southern coast
of Siberia.

In Chukchi Peninsula.

Perhaps, the best years
of my life.

My culinary capabilities
in small, sea-faring vessels

earned me my passport
to the world.

As a matter of fact,

it was my magic with
a halibut that landed me
the chef's position

on the Anastasia

as we traversed into
Soviet waters exploring.

Wait. So this is like...
What is this, like,
Cold War stuff?

No, no, no.

We were in search of
the Siberian Great White.

The Great White Shark?

No way.

Yes. And the Russians
called the hungry god

"The Whale Eater."

Oh!

It's reported to be
25 feet in length,

with some 3 tons on him.

What?

Holy shit! Did you find him?

No, no. No, no.
We only found...

Death off
the Chukchi Peninsula.

In the inky heart
of night,

the Anastasia collided
with an iceberg.

I watched a ship disappear
in minutes

- into the black
Russian sea.

Then I heard the screams

of the crew silenced
in the Siberian brine.

So what happened
after the boat sank?

I was alone.

"Alone, alone, all alone,
on a white wide sea!

"And never a saint took pity
on my soul in agony."

The Rime of the
Ancient Mariner.

Well remembered, Mr. Bryton.

- Hmm.
- Well remembered.

But you know,
when the screaming stopped,

I thought I was alone
until something

very swift and frightening
moved by me.

"The many men, so beautiful!

"And they all dead did lie

"And a thousand,
thousand slimy things
lived on

"And so did I."

God! How scared were you?

Oh!

I don't mind admitting
I was terrified.

I know you've probably
been scared a few times
in your life, Mr. Bryton.

But I'd wager to say
you've never known
true terror.

I became intimately familiar
with terror that night,
as I swam.

I kicked at the water
and stroked for

I know not where.
It was so pitch black.

So I swam deeper and deeper
into the ebony void

and I prayed that
whatever brushed by me

was now feasting upon
the expedition crew instead.

Sweet whistling Christ!

I awoke on the shores
of a very small island,

regurgitating sea water,

and discombobulated
beyond belief.

And then as I
stood to my feet,

I saw the sweetest sight
my orbs have ever taken in.

I saw my savior.

I saw a walrus.

A walrus?

A walrus saved your life?

- Yes.
- - What?

This curious fellow
loomed over me,

with tusks as tall as
Scylla and Charibdys.

But it was...

It was as gentle as
a milking cow

and it took me into its
blubbery body to keep me warm,

as if I were a newborn chick,
you see.

Unbelievable!

Yes.

And though I couldn't know
what he was called

by his marine brethren,

I named him after
the only authority
figure I'd ever known,

I ever trusted
in my entire life.

The janitor at a boys' home
I had attended

whose name was
Mr. Tuskegee.

So I called my companion,
Mr. Tusk.

Mr. Tusk? That's cute.

Cute.

Well,

cute is for Chinese babies,
Mr. Bryton.

But my walrus companion
was beautiful.

I have never known such
a fulfilling friendship

with anyone, human
or otherwise.

And for six glorious months,

I was at utter peace

and I knew the only bliss

this wretched life has
ever afforded me.

What did you...

What'd you...

What'd you...

There, there.

It'll be all right.

It'll be all right, Mr. Tusk.

Oh, shit!

Oh, fuck!

Oh, shit!

Ha!

Why... Why're you stopping?

I don't want you to go
to Canada tomorrow.

Okay, I won't go to Canada!
Just finish...

Oh, you're so full of shit,
your eyes are brown.

I know. I know,
I'm full of shit.

I'm bad. So spank me.
Spank me right there...

- Nope. I'm not gonna do it.
- What?

All right.

Seriously? No, no.

- It's gonna get on you, then.
- No! No!

You don't even deserve
a selfie.

Why not? Come on.
We talked about this.

I'm gonna take a quick
Cana-deuce tomorrow.

I'll be back in the morning.

Hmm?

Making fun of this kid on
the podcast is one thing,

but to go over there
to his house...

It's... It's horrible, okay?

This just feels gamey.

Gamey?

Ally, the kid reached
out to me! Okay?

He turned down Oprah fucking
Winfrey to talk to me.

Me!

Come on, this is huge
for the show.

I don't wanna do it.
I don't wanna make of him.

But, it's for the show.
It's for the podcast.

You know you're a real
fucking asshole.

And this, this does not
work for you at all.

Doing your dopey comedy
sketches is bad enough.

...But to exploit him
to his face...

It's vicious.

- The Wallace I fell in...
- No, that's vicious.

To do what you did,
that's vicious.

That's mean,
that's exploitative.

To take a little taste
and walk away.

- Are you serious?
- Mmm-hmm.

The Wallace I fell in love
with would not do that.

The Wallace I fell in love
with would never say
this stupid-ass shit.

The Wallace you fell in love
with was an un-funny
little dick-hole

who used to make
bad Star Wars puns

and couldn't pay his bills.

I... I'm sorry
but I kinda prefer
the new Wallace.

New Wallace made 100 grand
in ads alone last year.

That's before the T-shirt
sales and all the live shows.

So...

AMC is coming to see
the new Wallace's
showcase next week.

Why do you think that is?

'Cause of agents?

'Cause he played the clubs
every fucking night

like ol' unfunny Wallace
used to?

No. It's 'cause he's a
juggernaut of a podcast,

hosted by new Wallace.

Old Wallace!

Old Wallace was
a fucking loser

who never popped
a piss in our window

to throw it out.

Old Wallace had me.

Oh!

- He'd like to have you again.
- So take me with you.

If I bring you, you know this.

Teddy gets weird and jealous
and then the show sucks.

You know, he's got this thing.
Like if you're around,

I'm not as funny as
I usually am

'cause you're a distraction.
Blah, blah, blah.
I don't know.

I can't figure out what's
going on in that kid's head.

All I know is that
if it were up to me,

of course, I would bring you.

Old Wallace wouldn't give
a shit, he'd just take me.

He'd just take me anyway.

Ah, well!

Old Wallace also
used to wear a fucking
stethoscope on stage.

Oh, speaking of...

We saw my first stand-up
set on the show today.

Whoo! It was fucking brutal.

It was even worse than
I remembered.

It's really embarrassing,
actually.

Teddy was dying.
Little shit.

News flash. Cringe humor
attack shit is lame.

Sorry, I didn't hear
what you're saying.
I just love that accent.

It's lame,
this cringe humor...

- Love your accent.
- I don't talk like that!

I don't talk like that!

...Listen, 'stache!

That's the worst Latino accent
I have ever heard in my life.

That's the worst
Latino accent
I've ever heard...

Can you... Can you
just turn down
the funny right now, stache.

The podcast's not on.

- I know.
- It's just me and you.

I'm trying to be lovey-dovey.
You're fucking it up.

Fuck, it's... Because I have

a raging hard-on!

I wanna be lovey-dovey too.
I love lovey-dovey.

But we can be lovey-dovey on
the phone when I'm in Canada.

You know what we can't do
on the phone? Fuck.

Why don't we that right now?
Come on.

See? Come on.

New Wallace is kinda funny.

Yeah, he can be kinda funny.

I just... I miss old Wallace.

I miss you.
I miss the real you.
Is he in there?

- Ugh!
- You know, that geeky kid.

- Who even thanked me on stage.
- Geeky?

Yeah, geeky.

I miss the guy who told me,
he loved me
the first time we had sex.

The guy who gets baked and
cries watching
Winnie the Pooh.

You're so sweet.
Such a softy.

Nothing soft about me now.

Yeah, I know and it sucks.

- Relax.
- Okay.

What?

Well...

Look who's back.

I must say you scared
the bejesus out of me.

Oh, what kind of nurse am I?

Here you go, here's your cup.

Wet your whistle,
my dry little thistle.

What...

Wha...

- What happened?
- Mmm-hmm.

Oh, my dear boy.

Well, you passed out
right in front of me.

Yeah.

So tired.

I mean, one moment,
I'm waxing lyrically

about my many ocean voyages,
and the next thing I know,

you fell out of your chair
and collapsed.

I didn't know what it was
until I looked down,

and I saw this rather
intimidating spider

crawling down your pant leg.

Spider?

Yes, a brown recluse.

A rather toxic little insect.
These woods are full of them.

Yeah, some of them
are poisonous.

Hmm.

Oh, shit! A spider bit me?

Yes, well, I'm so sorry.

Where's my phone?

- Phone?
- Mmm-hmm.

I got to make a call.

Well, I'm afraid
the doctor stepped on it
and broke it.

I'm afraid it lies in pieces.

Mmm. There was a doctor here?

Yes, Doctor Moseeay.

He lives just up the road
around 8 miles.

- Moseeay?
- Yeah.

- Kind of
a funny name.
-Yeah.

He was here within
a half an hour of your...

Incident.

I forget your name.

My name?
Howard Howe.

Mmm, Howard, I can't
feel my legs.

Well, that would be the spinal
injection you see. They...

The Recluse sank her
fangs into you

and filled you with
so much poison that your...

Your ankle was the size
of an elephant's leg.

Oh, shit.

What kind of an elephant?

A very fat one.

Mmm-hmm.

- Shit!
- Yeah.

So, with the venom traveling
to your heart

it forced the doctor,
to save your life,

to take, as we say...
Drastic measures.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.

Holy shit!

There's no leg there.

Doesn't appear to be.

Just let it out, dear boy.
Let it all out.

My leg is off.

Oh, my God.

Nature can be very red in
tooth and claw.

What?

Tennyson.

What the fuck are
you talking about?

Why am I still here?
Why aren't I in the hospital?

Well, hospitals...

Carry diseases.

So, Dr. Moseeay thought it
would be best if you...

Well, just stay here since
the room is sanitized
all day.

It would be best
if you recuperate here.

It doesn't make any sense.

Spider. The spider bit you.

All right,
I wanna walk to this guy.

Where's the doctor?
I wanna talk to him.

Well, uh... The doctor's
making his rounds.

Rounds? What rounds?
We're in the middle
of nowhere!

Oh, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no.

No, we're not.

No, we're not, Mr. Bryton.

I've been to the
middle of nowhere.
And it is a ghastly place.

I don't want to hear your
fucking stories.

What the fuck is this?

...Why are you laughing?

You're funny.

Well, that's a belt
to keep you from falling
out of your chair, you see.

Why?

The belt is to keep you
from falling over until
the spinal wears off...

Spinal wears off and you get
full control of your
faculties again.

That is, most of
your faculties.

I... I need a phone.
I gotta call my family.

Doctor Moseeay removed
all the phones from the house.

He didn't want you disturbed.

What the fuck?

So, I'll talk to him

and I can ask him if you can
call home after supper.

I gotta call.

So it would be best
if you take a nap.

You're heavily,
heavily tranquilized.

I got to tell my family.

I gotta use a phone...
I gotta talk to a doctor.

- Moseeay, Dr. Moseeay.
- I wanna talk to him.

Well, you can't.
You see, he is on his rounds.

You give me a phone.

Don't have a phone.

The doctor removed them all.

That's... Insane.

Possibly so, but it's true.

We sup at 6:00 sharp.

Wait, wait.

Wait, wait, wait.

All right, wait.

I am...

...truly sorry for your loss.

You're not eating?

I can't move my arms.

Well...

That would be the morphine.

It is capital
for the leg pain,

and perhaps the only thing
keeps you from
howling in agony.

But it does tend to
leave one a bit sleepy.

I'm not sleepy.

At all.

- I'm immobilized.
- Hmm.

Well...

You know...

I was thinking...

The melancholy

of losing a limb

must be akin to

mourning a close friend
that you

too often took for granted.

Hmm...

There was no spider,
was there?

Yes, there was.
A brown recluse.

Colloquially called
the hobo spider.

Ah, that's interesting.

And you saw it?

Yeah.

You saw the spider?

I... I just wish that I had
spied the little creature

before it so
viciously attacked you.

What'd it look like?

The Arachnid Assailant?

- Yeah.
- Well...

A typical spider...

A legion of legs, you know,
etc, etc. It was
very small though.

So small you might even
call it Itsy Bitsy.

¶ The Itsy, Bitsy Spider
went up the water spout

Holy shit...

¶ Down came the rain
and washed the spider out

Let me out of this chair,
you fucking psycho!

Let me out! Let me out,
you old fucking nutbag!

Help! Somebody help!

Now, shall we dispense with
the chuffa, Mr. Bryton?

Perhaps it would be best,
in this, our
burgeoning relationship,

to reveal our hearts
with absolute candor.

See, for some time now

I've been constructing

a very realistic walrus suit.

What?

And I believe with just a few
minor modifications
it will fit you perfectly.

Jesus. What the fuck, man?

But,

whilst in the walrus suit
you must be a walrus.

There will be no sound
of a human voice.

You must communicate

everything you do

as a walrus.

Do you understand?

Please... Please...

No, no, no.

Be not vexed or
heavy of heart, Mr. Bryton.

We two are embarking on
an expedition not unlike that
of the doomed Anastasia.

Their mistake was
they look for the monsters
out there.

They shouldn't
have left the dock.

The beast has always
lied within.

Why?

Why are you doing this?

Why?

Why?

To solve a riddle older
than the Sphinx.

To answer the question
which has plagued us

since we first crawled
from this Earth

and stood erect in the sun.

Is man, indeed,

a walrus at heart?

Help!

I almost told him,
before he left.

Sometimes I forget,

that my life is...

An intricate, delicate
web of lies.

And I feel so normal...

So banal.

It feels so amazing
to be boring.

And faithful.

And sinless.

I even forget what
we're doing to him.

Till I remember what he
does to me...

With all those empty women.

And it... Crushes me.

And I hate him.

I hate him.

But I hate myself so much more

for letting any man
do this to me.

I'm happy my dad's not
alive to see this.

To see his only little girl

put her life on hold for some
cheating fucking asshole.

And I just
wanna fucking die.

But every time
he destroys me, you...

You bring me back.

You make me feel
beautiful again.

Cherished...

You give me my humanity.

Even though we're stripping
it down every time we're doing
this, I...

Honestly...

I don't know
how to live without you.

So look out,
you crazy Canucks.

Something weird-ass
this way comes!

Next week,
Wanderin' Wallace takes
a raunchy road trip

up to the Great White North
to meet with a star.

I will be staying at home.
Per usual.

Doing what, Teddy?
Why don't you film it?

Let's have a real
laugh after that tape.

I... I will be taking your
significant other
to the Getty

because in her words,
"You don't get art."

I get art too.
Why do you keep
saying that? I get art.

I get it when it's got my
face on it.

It's all over the wall.
Look at it. Look at all this.
This is art.

Do you think this is art?

It's like a me-seum.

It's not wrong... All over
the walls of this, uh...

Studio.

We sort of created a
man cave/masturbation chamber,

uh, to while away
the hours in.

I got to say, I've never
jerked off in here,
which is surprising,

'cause I jerk off
all the time.

I don't believe you.

Okay, you're right
to not to believe me.

Teddy, you are
my fucking hero.

You're taking my girlfriend
to the Getty.

Ally and Teddy go to the Getty.

-Aw.
-It's adorable.
It's like a children's book.

Yeah. Until next time,
I'm Teddy Craft.

And this is Wallace Bryton
reminding you to...

Join ze Not-See Party!

Clear! Nice!

That was amazing!

I don't know where
you were going with
that video

but I'm glad you did it.
It was embarrassing,

but shit,
that was fucking funny.

All fucking hail
the Not-See Party!

Yeah, everyone except Ally.

Ah... Dude, she just wants
to go with you.

I know. I know!

Teddy, why are you always
defending her? It's so weird.

And I know she wants to come.
But you know, her whole thing
is like,

"Wally, why do you have to do
such mean comedy?"

That doesn't even
sound like her.

I can't have her around if I'm
gonna get real with this kid.

And I got to get
real with him.
This is way too important.

I can't be me if she is there.

I also can't get road-head
if she's there either.

You're a fucking numbskull to
cheat on someone that hot.

Teddy, it has nothing to do
with how hot she is.
I know she's hot.

But there's some top shelf
ass out there
who listen to us.

I'm not kidding.

Plus you haven't seen
these other girls.

I mean don't short change
them, okay?

These fan girls, they may be
pasty and a little chunky,
but they're...

-They're really sexual.
-You bring shame
to the Not-See Party.

I know Ally's hot.

It doesn't take away
from how hot she is.

I'm not married to her.
I know I sound shitty
right now.

I can see you judging me.

You going to Ally's now?

Fuck, yeah, I'm going
over there now.

I wanna try to break one off
before I fly tomorrow.

So I can get all
quiet and peaceful
in the plane,

and I don't cause any
disturbances at the airport.

- It... It's like my Xanax.
- Mmm.

I got to get the white out
and I go to bed,
like a little baby.

Fuck.

He hasn't called me
in three days.

I have this pain in my
stomach. I...

I'm worried.

Ally. Ally,
you got to help me.

I swear to God I'm not joking,
okay?

I was abducted.
I'm in Manitoba.

This guy wants to turn me
into an animal or something!

He's fucking nuts!

You gotta please come!
Please! Please! Please!

I don't know where he is.

But I'm somewhere in his
weird fucking house.

I'm like two hours
from Winnipeg.

I'm so fucking scared.

I'm so scared I'm not gonna
see you again.

I'm sorry
I was such an asshole.

I'm so sorry.

He cut off my
fucking leg, Ally.

Okay? Please. Okay.
Okay, just get here, okay?

Call the cops.

Ally...
Ally, I don't wanna
die in Canada.

I don't wanna die at all.

Oh, fuck.

Fuck.

Okay.

Oh, Teddy, pick up.

I... honestly...

I don't know how to live
without you.

So go brush your teeth and
come back to bed, because...

I don't want to sit here
crying all night.

Teddy, it's me! I swear to God
this is no fucking joke.

I'm being held captive.

I'm not kidding,
I'm being held captive

by some crazy motherfucker.
He cut off my fucking leg!

Listen to me,
you gotta call the cops.

I'm, like... I'm, like,
two hours north of Winnipeg.

I'm somewhere... I'm somewhere
in, like, bumfuck Manitoba.

This guy's name
is Howard Howe, okay?
It's Howard Howe.

You gotta call the cops.

Call the cops.

I don't know exactly
what happened.

I'm scared shitless, man.

I think he wants to turn me
into, like, a...

What the fuck was that?

Your life as you knew it
is over, Mr. Bryton.

So if you wish to
continue living,

you will be a walrus,
or you'll be nothing at all.

This'll fucking help.

Ally. Ally,
you've got to help me.

I swear to God
I'm not joking, okay?

I was abducted.
I'm in Manitoba.

This guy wants to turn me into
an animal or something.

Teddy.

Ted.

Hey.

Wake up.
Wallace. It's Wallace.

- What?
- He's in trouble.

He's in trouble.

What?

Oh, my God,
he called you too.

Oh, my God.

Check it.

Well, someone's looking
for Wallace!

It must be nice to know
that somebody
cares about you that much.

Just what I felt on the island
with Mr. Tusk.

He was the only living thing
that ever had
my best interests at heart.

As a child,
I was not cared for
so much as I was...

Filed away,
like a document.

A document fed into
a shredding machine

and fueled by the blood
of the innocent.

You see, I am a
Duplessis Orphan.

Now, Maurice Duplessis
was the Premier of Quebec
in those days.

He was the head
of the Conservative Party

and with strong ties
to the Catholic Church.

As a matter of fact,

it was in collusion with
these charlatans of the Lord

that Duplessis brought upon
Quebec La Grande Noirceur...

"The Great Darkness."

As a boy of 10,

my mother and father
took me to Montreal.

I had never seen anything
so beautiful and bright

and big and wonderful
in my life.

But...

When night falls
in Montreal,

the monsters come out to play.

We were walking to dinner,
and were accosted by
brigands in a back alley.

My father was stabbed
several times
with the mugger's knife.

And my mother's throat
was slashed,
as if she were cattle.

I was placed
in an abandoned boys' home
in Quebec.

Boys whose lives
had been destroyed.

Provinces were responsible
financially for all
of the orphanages.

The government
was responsible for
the mental institutions.

So Duplessis and the Church,
they came up with a scheme
to obtain more money

by reclassifying
the orphanages as
mental health-care facilities.

And when nobody
raised their voice in protest,

why, they just shut down
the orphanages

and sent all the children,
including me,
to insane asylums.

And so for the next
five years,

I was beaten,

I was tortured,

I was raped.

I have had things in my mouth
that no human being
should ever taste.

They never thought
of me as a person.
They just thought to use me.

And use me they did.

Priests, politicians...

All pederasts.

Even the nurses
and nuns and night watchmen.

All of them witches,
all there to satisfy

their most base physical
and financial desires...

Through the rectum
and lips of a child.

So with no one to answer to
for their horrid crimes,

these devils ran amuck
with my innocence.

But at age 15,
I escaped Canada.

I went to the United States,
got on a boat,
and never looked back.

Until now.

Yes...

Man is a savage animal,
Mr. Bryton.

Better to be a walrus.

Yes, Officer,
it's B-R-Y-T-O-N...

We know he rented a car,
but we don't know
exactly where from,

so as soon as we land
in Winnipeg,

we're just gonna go
to every rental desk
at the airport

and see if anyone
recognizes him.

Tell 'em if can't find
the agency,

we can find the car
using its GPS system.

Recent pictures? Yes,
there are some recent pictures
up on the website.

- It's NotSeeParty.com...
- Spell it, spell it!

Hello? Hello?

They fucking hung up.

"The sun was shining
on the sea

"Shining with all his might

"He did his very best to make

"The billows
smooth and bright

"And this was odd,
because it was

"The middle of the night."

Oh, now, now, Mr. Tusk.
There, there, there,
I understand.

- It's so very hard to be...

...the elephant
of the deep blue sea.

...Stop, stop. Stop it.

Stop it. Walruses never cry!

Oh, I've missed you,
Mr. Tusk.

How I've missed
our merry times together
on Ponder Rock.

I've regretted
every day
my return to this wretched...

Civilization.

This anxious, silly world,

with all the banality
of a breakfast cereal.

The worst of man
has long been fetid
with greed and indifference.

The best of man

has long been lobotomized
by reality television.

I never should have
left the wilderness.

I never should have left you.

This writhing nest
of two-legged bipeds...

Wallace!

Each devouring
the other to stay alive.

And I betrayed you for what?

Man's world?

An immoral cesspool,

boded with the wayward
and the destitute...

Howard Howe.

You gotta call the cops.
Call the cops.

I don't know exactly
what happened.

I'm scared shitless, man.

- I think he wants to turn me
into, like, a... Like, a...

- That's it?
- It just ends.

Are you sure he is not
pulling your legs?

Getting up to some good old
American monkeyshines?

That doesn't sound like
monkeyshines.

But you say you do
these comedy podcasts.

Could this just be
for grins and giggles?

We do...
We do a podcast.

But he wouldn't take
something this far.
He's not that kind of guy.

Okay, now stick with me here.

I don't mean to be indelicate,

but could there be some
sort of sexual angle?

A romantic entanglement?
An affair or something?

No. He's not that kind of guy.

Okay.
Well, I did some checking,

and we don't have
a Howard Howe
anywhere in Manitoba.

Shit!

With regard to your friend,
I asked Border Patrol

if they got a report of him
leaving the country yet.

They say he come
into Winnipeg, and that's it.

Don't you two worry.

I'm gonna issue
a Missing Persons on him,

same as they do in the States.

Thank you.

But I'll tell you,
that leg bit...

It sure puts the BM
in the PM's coffee, eh?

That is something.

It's creepy, right?

No, no, it's something.

I had a fella come in here
from Quebec two days ago,

asking about any
legless bodies that
might've turned up.

Used to be a cop.

Said he is hunting
some kinda serial killer.

I told him, "Canada doesn't
have any serial killers.

"Unless you count the pothead

"who took out all
the Cap'n Crunch last night
at the Eh-2-Zed."

Anyway...

He gave me his number
and he left it.

I'll take it.

Ahoy, matey!

You know, it occurs to me...

...that if you are to fulfill
your destiny...

If you are to be
a true walrus...

Well, Mr. Tusk...

A walrus must learn to swim.

Whoa, good!

Now, that's it.
Show me how the fishies swim.

Swim. Now, come on.

Come on, damn you. Swim!

Yes, come on. Swim!

I am Guy Lapointe.
That is my name.

Guy Lapointe.

And I spend 20 years
as the inspector

of the Surete du Quebec.

And but for the last
10 years of my life,

I have been hunting an animal

who is doing the masquerade
as the man.

I have been hunting
this Howard Howe.

Howard Howe,

this elusive, uh...
Devil made of the flesh,

this serial killer
who makes the bringing

of the blood and terror
to the true north.

I...

Am very dedicated man

and I have sacrificed
my life...

Too many marriages,
any chance at happiness,

and very likely,
some may say, my, uh...

sanity.

All in the pursuit of
this butcher of the men.

And because of this...

The solace of the sleep
most of the time eludes me.

But last night,
after you call me,

I sleep like
the breast-fed baby.

And I wake up this morning,
in the morning,

and I know that, in my bones,
my quarry is close.

And he is so close

that I can almost
smell his shit.

Pardon my French.

Who has
the Blue Skies with fries?

- Oh, that would be me.
- There you go.

How about
the Gimli Slider, no onions?

That would also be me.

And a Mon-Sewer
Maurice Milkshake.

That would also be me.

Okay, here are some napkins.
You're gonna need those.

All right. Have a nice flight.

Thank you so much.

Now, I'll tell you something.

They don't have these
back home, you know.

You throw a rock
in Quebec City,

and it'll land in
a Chez Ashton. But...

Not a single goddamn
Gimli Slider.

And that, in my opinion,

is the only failure of
the mighty people of Quebec.

How many people has he killed?

Twenty-three.

And if your friend
has been abducted

by the same monster
that I am hunting,

it is probably going to be
24 pretty soon.

His MO is always the same.

A month after
the disappearance,

we find pieces
of the skinned body.

And the legs are always
amputated at the knees.

Arms are always
fused to the body,

like a kind of
a crucified T-Rex.

You know, like that.
That's what it looks like.

And always the mouth
and the teeth
have been disturbed.

How?

Mmm.

With a very thick, um...

Ah!

What was I saying?

How have they been disturbed?

In every case,
the tongues have been
ripped out.

Jesus!

Oh, yes.

It is one fuck
of a bummer to look at,
I can tell you that.

Were any of them...

Sexually...

Oh, no, no.
He doesn't touch them
like that.

He butchers them.

Amputates limbs,
cuts out tongues.

But he don't do nothing
sexy with them, you know.

Never.

The boys on the force
nicknamed this killer
"The First Wife,"

because the first wife
doesn't let you talk,

she doesn't let you
go anywhere,
and she does not fuck you.

See it's...

And she don't fuck you.

It's... It's funnier
if you've been married
a few times.

Maybe we should be talking
to someone else.

Mmm...

I think that
that's a very good idea

for you to go
and talk to someone else,

Mr. Big Bear
Riding a Bulldozer.

Or maybe you could just ferme
your fucking bouche

for one second

and listen to Guy Lapointe.

Hmm?

- Let me tell a story.
- Okay.

I believe that two...

Can you come closer?

Can you come closer?

Closer, you... Can you come...
Can you come closer?

I believe
that two years back,

I met this son of a bitch.

Ah, well!

Good afternoon to you, sir.
I am Guy Lapointe.

Surete du Quebec.

Oh! Did you come here
about the spider?

Hmm?

I called the police
two days ago

because there's
a big ol' spider
in my potty hole.

Your "potty hole"?

The shitter!

...Oh, I see.

So you have some sort
of creepy crawler thing
in your toilet box?

Yes, he's a big ol'
brown recluse.

-Yeah. They call it
the hobo spider.
-Oh.

And it's mean.
I called the police.

And the lady
on the phone said to me,

"Oh, we'll send somebody
out in a few days."

Well, I have to regret...

Regretfully inform you
that I'm not the man.

I'm not that man who was sent
by the lady who said
she was sending someone.

I'm not him.

You're not gonna
shoot the spider?

As an inspector
of the Surete du Quebec,
er...

I'm actually not authorized
to discharge a weapon...

- ...at a bug.
- Oh.

One of the downsides
of the job.

But I come today
because I'm investigating...

Well, a disappearance.

- Oh?
- Yes, sir.

The hockey player,
Gregory Gumtree,
from Quebec City.

A lot of people
have heard of him.

I have even heard of him
once or twice
before all of this happened.

So, many people
have heard of him.

Have you heard of him perhaps?

- No.
- No.

No. Well, last month,

he was drafted
by the New Nordiques.

Oh, well...
Piss on the New Nordiques!

Give me back my old Nordiques.

I...

Do you know something, sir,

I truly respect
your, er, passion

for the game of the hockey.

Huh?

So anyway, this hockey player,
Gregory Gumtree...

I guess he'd seen some
sort of advertisement

in a bar bathroom
that said, "We can give you
a place to live

"in a living situation
that's not far from here."

But somewhere between
here and Quebec City,

the hockey player,
Gregory Gumtree...

- Well, he went missing.
- Oh.

And so I stopped by to see
if maybe you might have heard

or seen something
that was a little
out of the ordinary

the other night
on that Monday...
Monday night.

Oh, no, not Monday night,
because I'm down at the rink.

I'm down at the ice rink
Monday nights,
with the little mites.

Oh, do you coach
the hockey mites?

No, no, I'm not the coach.
No, no, I'm just the coach's
helper monkey, you know.

On Monday nights,
I come and I pick up
the sticks,

and I bring the little ones
water, you know,
during the drills,

- and all that.
- Uh-huh.

And then on Monday nights
we go out for poutine.

Have you ever been
to Poutine-ee Weeny,
on Rue de Jour?

Poutine really does not
agree with me.

- Oh, I'm sorry.
- My innards...

It creates such a, er...

Poutine gives me
just the worst shits.

I'm sorry to be
so crass about it
and everything.

By the way, you know,
I didn't even get your name.

Bartholomew Moseeay.

You sure you don't have time
to come in and kill a spider?

You know, I would...
I swear to you
that I would help

- in any way that I could...
- Yeah.

I would help,
but I'm really just a lowly
homicide detective

and I'm really not
paid enough to, er...

To deal with
the savage animals, you know.

You know what I think,
Mr. Lapointe?

I think that the real
savage animals

are the human beings.

Oh.

- Thank you.
- Oh, thank you so much.

- Thank you.
- Thank you, sir.

- Thank you.
- Have a wonderful day, sir.

Thank you very much.

In all of the Canada,

there is no record...

Of a man named
Bartholomew Moseeay.

There is no local rink,
there is no hockey mites.

And I would also assume
that there is no
Poutine-ee Weeny.

But ever since that day,

I've stopped
making the assumptions,
you know.

The hockey player,
Gregory Gumtree...

He was probably
in that house, you know.

And I was standing
on the porch,

assuming that I was talking
to some harmless simpleton

who spoke funny.

But, um...

But one month later,
we find what is left

of the hockey player,
Gregory Gumtree.

His torso was blocking up
a sewer pipe
outside of Gatineau.

So...

The man-child,
Bartholomew Moseeay...

Or Howard Howe,
went poof!

Poof! Disappear.

He disappeared.

Do you want to know
what my theory is?

The theory that got me excused
from the Surete du Quebec?

Please.

All of the victims
have holes in the mouth.

He cuts off the legs,
he sews the arms...

But he puts something
in their mouths
that we don't get to see.

Some of the cops were saying
that the holes

are from the meat hooks,
you know, if they...

They hang up the body,
while you use to rip it up,
the flesh and all that.

You know what I mean?

I beg to differ.

- Well, what do you say?
- Ah, well...

The hockey player,
Gregory Gumtree,

the boy that I failed to save.

Just like all the rest,
he had missing legs,

missing tongue, missing teeth,

the hole in the roof
of the mouth.

But the medical examiner,
he found something...

Inside the hole
of his mouth.

It was a tiny piece of
the victim's own tibia bone.
No bigger than this.

So why would a piece
of his leg bone
be in his mouth?

Oh, I don't know.

So I go to see this mama
of the hockey player,
Gregory Gumtree.

And I say to her,
"You are the mama

"and you know the things
about the child.

"You feel things that
no police or nobody can feel.

"So, how do you think
your boy was killed?"

And the mama, she's...
She is crying, you know.

And now it is as if she is
like my own mama, you know.

And then the mama,
she say to me...

She say to me...

"This man is making
a monster.

- "This man
is making a monster."

Mr. Tusk...

Why do you blubber so?

Are you really mourning
your loss of humanity?

I don't understand.

Who in the hell
would want to be human?

God almighty!

In all my travels,

I've only ever known a human
to be an ocean of shit.

And my vessel lifts...

And is leaking.

I am so very tired,
Mr. Tusk.

Battered by a life
of cruel fate...

And poor decisions.

And the terrible
consequences of both.

¶ The water is wide

¶ And I dare not cross over

¶ Nor have I wings...

¶ Wings to fly

¶ Build me a boat

¶ That can carry two

¶ And both shall row

¶ My love and I

Oh.

You must be
terribly hungry by now.

That is a mackerel.

Bon appetit, Monsieur Tusk.

Yes...

Now go to the fish, Mr. Tusk.

Take the mackerel.

Feed.

So this is nice
and very roomy for an economy.

I should have rented
this model, I knew it.

-Did you pre-pay
for the gasoline?
-Uh, yeah.

- So where do we go first?
- Now, where?

Where is for wolf.

We look for the which.

As in, which one of you
knows this missing podcaster
the best.

I do.

- You do.
- Yeah.

Okay, so on the phone message,
it said he was driving for,
like, two hours or something.

So you know him best,
you know what he likes
to do when he drives,

because nobody
does nothing in a car.

Does he smoke
the cigarettes,
does he chew the tobaccos

or toothpicks,
does he drink the coffee?

Does he have some other thing?
I don't know.

Me, for example, all I do...

I cannot start the car without
having the double-double

with eight sugars
and just a dash of cream.

So what we really need to do

is discern this podcaster's
ritual while he is driving.

He likes big, goofy
convenience store drinks.

Oh, my God!
It's Mr. Mustache.

- Colleen! Hurry up!
- I'm coming.

Oh, my God, what?

No way! It's Mr. Mustache.

"Mr. Mustache"?

No, it's not the room
I'm interested in as much
as you, Mr. Howe.

Yeah, tonight would be...
That would be amazing, sir.
Yes. Thank you.

All right, where am I going?

Bifrost? Sounds erotic.

Okay, let me just ask
somebody how far I am.

Excuse me, hey!

How's everything
over at Degrassi, huh?

You kids still getting
knocked up and shot at?

...What?

Degrassi!

Never mind. Uh, how far
is Bifrost from here?

Bifrost?
Shit! That's far.

Yeah, it's about two hours
from here.

Oh, God bless you,
generous angels.

Yeah, the kids here at
the convenience store

are telling me that it's
about two hours away.

I hate American guys.

You sure that's not gonna be
too late for you, Mr. Howe?

Okay, awesome. Yeah.
What's your address?

Hang on one second, sir.
Hang on.

- Hey, hey, hey!

Can you get off those
for one second
and give me a pen?

Sorry, sir.

Thank you. God bless you.

You guys have pads here,
in Canada?

Anything to write on,
or you just write in the air?

Hashtag thanks.

Hey, I'm just gonna go ahead
and write on ya.

Okay, shoot, Mr. Howe. Yeah.

Great. Got it.

And I'm gonna leave
right now, so I'll see you
in about two hours.

Good. Okay, bye now.

- How much do I owe you?

That's me?
That's my mustache?

"Yep! I'm American.
How are things over
at Degrassi High?"

"Do you ladies know
where Bifrost is? Uh, duh!"

You guys suck.

So this pad of paper
that he borrowed
to write down the address,

I would like for you
to give it to me, please,
if you would.

Give him the pad.

You give him the pad.

Give him the pad!

One of you
must give me the pad now.

I thank you very much.
Do you have a pencil?

Thank you very much.

You see that?

Wow...

That's amazing.

They did it in
The Big Lebowski.

Do you know, that's exactly
where I learned it from.
Isn't that weird?

Okay.

Yeah. Isn't this soothing
to the soul?

You know,
if I close my eyes,

I can almost imagine me
back on Ponder Rock,

I knew peace in this
twisted, hateful world.

I miss our little paradise,
Mr. Tusk.

This is just a poor facsimile
of that magical enclave

where we first became
good friends.

Remember?

Until that...

Terrible day.

Man feeds on the meat
and sinew of the helpless.

-Until we are all...

...alone.

We survive at all costs.

Only to butcher again.

And again.

Until we ourselves
are at last butchered
in turn.

You were not prepared
for me last time, Mr. Tusk.

You were not ready
for the fight.

This time
it will be different.

Because I have hardened you...

Just to show you...

How cruel man can be.

And if I truly brought out
the walrus in you...

...this time,
you just might prevail.

Less than a kilometer
from Mile Marker 9...

- Yeah, the plates match.
- I'm going...

No, no, he's not there.
I promise you he's not there.

But he is close.

So...

We are about
to find your friend.

And the dangerous man
who took him.

These are guns.

I don't want one.

You don't want a gun?

You take 'em.

What...
What kind of American are you?

The kind that has never
used a gun before.

Take the fuckin' gun!

Yes, take the fuckin' gun,
please.

I'll take the big one.

Yeah.

Some years back,
I was rescued from the island
of Ponder Rock

a mere hour
after I had butchered
my sweet savior walrus

in order to live.

I've marked this occasion
for 15 years now

by allowing
my flippered friend

the fighting chance
he never had.

So...

You will fight me, Mr. Walrus!

Or you will die!

Wallace!

Wallace!

- Wallace!
- Wallace!

So just as I had to kill you
on the rock,

you have a terrible
choice to make here.

You have to kill me
if you want to live.

And if you live,

you will be as a walrus
that you almost are.

So...

Either you go full walrus...

...Or this!

Oh, what the fuck?

- Wallace! Wallace!
- Wallace!

- Wallace!
- Wallace!

You have lasted
longer than the rest.

You'd kill me if you could.

You want to.

Your survival instincts
have kicked in.

But so have mine!

Where is it coming from?

- Behind the wall!
- Wallace!

- He's behind the wall!
- Wallace!

- Ally, there's give.
- Stand back!

It is accomplished.

You are my...

Mr. Tusk.

Wallace...

No!

Wallace!

No! No!

No, don't murder him. Please.
Leave him alone.

Stop!

Wallace!

We're here.

It's Ally.

And Teddy.

The treat.

You don't have to hide
from us, Wallace.

Wallace!

I can't even remember
the last time you cried while
watching Winnie the Pooh.

So I don't cry,
I mean, big deal!

I'm also a lot older,
remember?

Crying's kind of for babies.

I remember when
my grandma died and...

My grandpa was destroyed.

He had tears
streaming down his face,

he was holding her picture,
and I was so worried.

I used to say...

What's that?

Don't cry.

And he would say,
"No, Juanita."

"It's good to cry.

"It separates us
from the animals.

"It shows you have a soul."

I love you, Wallace.

Don't ever forget that.

It's all right.

Come on.

Welcome to Smodcast.
I'm Kevin Smith.

- I'm Scott Mosier.
- Oh, shit!

All right,
so here's the third act.

He then goes
and puts on his suit,

you know, made of human skins.

And so you realize
he's done this before.

-Like, I'm not the first
lodger and shit like that.
Gotcha.

So he's in it,
you're in yours,

and you guys have to have
one of them walrus fights,
like on the beach.

Where you slam each other,
going...

And we started saying,
"Is man indeed
a walrus at heart?"

You ultimately get him
and...

But then what has to
happen at the end is that
once he makes that switch...

- Yeah.
- ...he can't go back.

Like the clinic
for the criminally insane
or something like that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And you see,
you know, like, his buddy...

He's got something
wrapped in a newspaper

-and you don't know
what's going on.
Yes.

It's a fish.
Oh, that's awesome.

And it is... It's like
another walrus enclave.

A better version
of where he was.

-Because he realized they
can't reverse the process.
No, they can't.

He's gone.
Even in his head,
he's gone full walrus.

You're right.

And he
throws him the fish,
and then, fuckin'...

The walrus-man
scurries over to it
all gross and shit,

and starts biting at it
on the ground.

They play, like,
some sad piano music.

Roll credits as we pull back
in this overhead,

watching him fuckin' eating
this fish off the ground.

And there's a song
that's just like...

¶ Being tender
in your heart!

- Is that a real song?
- No!

Like, we need
a hashtag for this.

The conversation
needs to grow.

Two hashtags.

Walrus yes, walrus no.

Oh, for people
who don't want it?
Yeah.

Your vote is crucial.

You just had
to have the second slider.

You just had to have
the second slider.