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1
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MAN ON TV: I've been waiting for this one.
He keeps on about it on GMTV, you know.
2
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I know. He makes me laugh, though, Lee.
3
00:00:23,760 --> 00:00:26,240
Scary Spice were your favourite Spice,
wasn't she?
4
00:00:26,280 --> 00:00:29,560
Yeah. I loved her
cos she were from Leeds...
5
00:00:29,600 --> 00:00:33,880
This is mental,
because they're watching TV,
6
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and I'm watching them watch TV....
7
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...and whoever's watching this
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is watching me
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watching them watch TV.
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00:00:47,440 --> 00:00:51,000
TV: I was just born when they split in
2000, the first time around.
11
00:00:51,040 --> 00:00:53,520
Yeah, so I wasn't even born
when they split up,
12
00:00:53,560 --> 00:00:55,160
so they must be outdated now.
13
00:00:55,200 --> 00:01:00,440
And if this ends up on an episode
of Gogglebox,
14
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I'll be watching them
15
00:01:02,640 --> 00:01:04,480
watching me
16
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watching them
17
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watch TV of me.
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TV: ...But that's the way
of young television -
19
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how many people she slept with.
20
00:01:12,480 --> 00:01:16,760
KERRY: I can't think about that any more,
that's gonna make my head explode.
21
00:01:18,920 --> 00:01:21,240
(WOMAN HUMS HAPPILY)
22
00:01:21,280 --> 00:01:24,360
So, Dad came out of prison,
23
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like, two, three weeks ago
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and he didn't have anywhere to stay,
25
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so Mum said he could stay here
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if he did a bit of DIY
around the house and that.
27
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(HUMMING CONTINUES)
28
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And she's sort of been...
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...singing ever since.
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(SINGING TUNELESSLY)
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All he's done is put up
a loo-roll holder.
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The only DIY Martin's doing
is drilling Sue eight inches deep
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into her memory foam.
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He's porking her out big time,
that's why she's so happy.
35
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I can hear 'em at it,
like a pair of greasy buffalos,
36
00:01:58,960 --> 00:02:00,160
and I live three streets away.
37
00:02:01,280 --> 00:02:04,360
And either Kerry is in massive denial
about the whole thing,
38
00:02:04,400 --> 00:02:07,040
or when she sleeps
she wears industrial earplugs.
39
00:02:07,080 --> 00:02:08,080
Budge up.
40
00:02:09,480 --> 00:02:11,760
UKTV, London's Burning.
41
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- (GROANS)
- Time Team's about to start.
42
00:02:14,120 --> 00:02:16,840
Nah, London's Burning.
43
00:02:16,880 --> 00:02:19,520
KERRY: It's nice seeing my mum and dad
getting back together,
44
00:02:19,560 --> 00:02:21,400
er, it's just sort of adjusting
45
00:02:21,440 --> 00:02:24,480
to having three people in the house now.
46
00:02:24,520 --> 00:02:26,200
Er, but it's fine.
47
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Er, it's just my dad's
a bit of a night owl,
48
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and he really likes to play, like,
deer-hunting simulation games,
49
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and the only computer in the house
is in my room.
50
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Um, so it's just a bit of a shock, er,
51
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when you're woken up at, like, 3am
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by the sounds of, like, gunfire
53
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and computerised elk
sort of screaming in agony.
54
00:02:51,640 --> 00:02:54,560
But other than that, it's working well.
55
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(TV ON)
56
00:02:56,360 --> 00:02:59,840
Why do you wanna watch
that Time Team rubbish anyhow?
57
00:02:59,880 --> 00:03:01,160
You know it's fake.
58
00:03:03,840 --> 00:03:07,880
Yeah, Tony Robinson
just blacks up a few old coins,
59
00:03:07,920 --> 00:03:10,080
drops them in the trench
when no-one's looking.
60
00:03:12,600 --> 00:03:14,840
No, I haven't actually seen Martin
61
00:03:14,880 --> 00:03:16,480
since he's been back in the village.
62
00:03:16,520 --> 00:03:20,600
Er, I've been flitting about
like the first swallow of spring.
63
00:03:20,640 --> 00:03:23,080
Er, I've actually been working
with Len, er,
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helping him get back on his feet.
65
00:03:25,040 --> 00:03:27,120
Um, a few weeks ago,
66
00:03:27,160 --> 00:03:30,160
he hit rock bottom, and I stepped in,
67
00:03:30,200 --> 00:03:33,000
and we've literally, er,
had to start from scratch.
68
00:03:33,040 --> 00:03:36,040
But the progress he's made
has been fantastic.
69
00:03:36,080 --> 00:03:37,720
Here he is.
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Come on, come in, come on.
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00:03:41,320 --> 00:03:44,080
Wow, who's this handsome young man?
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00:03:45,200 --> 00:03:46,960
Len.
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00:03:47,000 --> 00:03:49,760
Len's been staying with me temporarily
until the council find him
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00:03:49,800 --> 00:03:52,480
some new accommodation.
75
00:03:52,520 --> 00:03:55,400
But we got him scrubbed up,
a change of clothes, new attitude.
76
00:03:57,000 --> 00:04:01,680
Oh, we...we had a bit of a rocky patch
at the start, though, didn't we, Len?
77
00:04:01,720 --> 00:04:03,320
- No.
- Yes.
78
00:04:03,360 --> 00:04:06,720
You...you were a little bit rude to Polly
for the first few days, weren't you?
79
00:04:06,760 --> 00:04:07,960
No, I weren't.
80
00:04:08,000 --> 00:04:11,400
Oh, OK.
Well, we'll agree to disagree on that.
81
00:04:11,440 --> 00:04:15,040
But everyone's getting on well now,
which is great.
82
00:04:15,080 --> 00:04:17,080
People think that being alone
makes you lonely,
83
00:04:17,120 --> 00:04:19,440
but I don't think that's true.
84
00:04:19,480 --> 00:04:22,720
Being surrounded by the wrong people
is the loneliest thing in the world.
85
00:04:24,640 --> 00:04:27,280
I hope you're not thinking of Polly
when you say that, Len.
86
00:04:30,160 --> 00:04:34,440
REV FRANCIS: I've also enrolled Len
into a computer club every Wednesday
87
00:04:34,480 --> 00:04:36,280
called Silver Surfers,
88
00:04:36,320 --> 00:04:38,080
which he's really enjoying.
89
00:04:38,120 --> 00:04:40,040
Er, it's a weekly session
90
00:04:40,080 --> 00:04:42,760
where we teach older members
of the village computer skills,
91
00:04:42,800 --> 00:04:44,920
hence Silver Surfers.
92
00:04:44,960 --> 00:04:49,000
Er, I came up with the name, yes.
I was quite proud of that.
93
00:04:49,040 --> 00:04:50,120
Can...can I...?
94
00:04:51,280 --> 00:04:52,960
Can I get onto Safari?
95
00:04:53,960 --> 00:04:55,680
Well, what's wrong with Internet Explorer?
96
00:04:55,720 --> 00:04:57,680
KURTAN: Yeah, I've been helping out
at Silver Surfers.
97
00:04:57,720 --> 00:05:00,280
Er, it works out quite well
98
00:05:00,320 --> 00:05:03,720
cos, er, Vicar needs my help
to teach people the computer,
99
00:05:03,760 --> 00:05:07,360
and I need access to the internet
to make my memes.
100
00:05:07,400 --> 00:05:10,600
Er, basically, Nan unplugged
the Wi-Fi here
101
00:05:10,640 --> 00:05:12,720
because she reckons
the electromagnetic waves
102
00:05:12,760 --> 00:05:14,800
are making me infertile. (SIGHS)
103
00:05:14,840 --> 00:05:16,880
And she's desperate
for great-grandchildren.
104
00:05:19,240 --> 00:05:22,120
So where are the e-mails on this, then?
105
00:05:22,160 --> 00:05:25,120
So, well, this is Facebook,
106
00:05:25,160 --> 00:05:27,640
- so it's a completely different thing.
- Oi, Len!
107
00:05:27,680 --> 00:05:28,960
They're not the same? What?
108
00:05:29,000 --> 00:05:31,480
You know they don't deliver e-mails
on a Sunday?
109
00:05:31,520 --> 00:05:33,800
- Arthur, please.
- They don't what?
110
00:05:33,840 --> 00:05:36,560
They don't deliver e-mails
on a Sunday, Len.
111
00:05:36,600 --> 00:05:38,440
What? Do they not?
112
00:05:38,480 --> 00:05:39,960
- Don't-Don't-Don't rise to it.
- What, is he?
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00:05:40,000 --> 00:05:41,600
A digital dinosaur or what?
114
00:05:46,480 --> 00:05:47,480
Listen, right?
115
00:05:47,520 --> 00:05:48,520
Stop winding up Len
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00:05:48,560 --> 00:05:51,360
or I'll tell the vicar
about your internet search history.
117
00:05:51,400 --> 00:05:52,600
What?
118
00:05:52,640 --> 00:05:54,720
"Big jugs" ring any bells?
119
00:05:54,760 --> 00:05:59,640
Yeah, I need big jugs
to hold me orchids up straight.
120
00:05:59,680 --> 00:06:01,520
So what do you need
a shaved fanny for, then?
121
00:06:09,640 --> 00:06:11,680
MARTIN: You know, the best thing
you could've done was dob me in.
122
00:06:11,720 --> 00:06:13,120
KERRY: Really?
123
00:06:13,160 --> 00:06:15,960
Yeah, I had a lot of thinking time inside.
124
00:06:16,000 --> 00:06:18,280
And I wanna make up for lost time.
125
00:06:19,680 --> 00:06:22,160
That's really nice, Da.
126
00:06:22,200 --> 00:06:26,240
Because the way I treated you
was absolutely disgusting, Ker.
127
00:06:26,280 --> 00:06:28,240
Oh, it doesn't matter.
128
00:06:28,280 --> 00:06:30,640
Cos I remember you
coming down the house...
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00:06:30,680 --> 00:06:32,280
Yeah.
130
00:06:32,320 --> 00:06:33,960
...and you'd knock on the door...
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Yeah.
132
00:06:35,600 --> 00:06:38,960
...and I'd look out the window,
and my heart would sink.
133
00:06:40,400 --> 00:06:44,360
Now, I'm just being honest with you,
telling you the truth, Ker.
134
00:06:44,400 --> 00:06:46,000
Yeah, thanks...
135
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...for that, Dad.
136
00:06:47,120 --> 00:06:51,400
Yeah, I think my dad's changed
since he's come out of prison.
137
00:06:51,440 --> 00:06:54,560
Um, he's more honest,
138
00:06:54,600 --> 00:06:56,960
maybe even a tad too honest,
if I'm honest.
139
00:06:57,000 --> 00:06:59,640
- And I remember when you was born...
- Honestly,
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00:06:59,680 --> 00:07:01,680
you don't have to say any more,
141
00:07:01,720 --> 00:07:04,480
- it's just water under the bridge.
- No, no, it's important.
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00:07:04,520 --> 00:07:06,480
(WHISPERS) OK...
143
00:07:06,520 --> 00:07:09,840
And your mother left the room
to get a breath of fresh air...
144
00:07:11,520 --> 00:07:13,680
...and I was standing
over your little crib...
145
00:07:15,520 --> 00:07:17,200
...listening to you snore...
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KERRY: Aw.
147
00:07:19,080 --> 00:07:21,840
...hovering the pillow over your face.
148
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Not that I would've.
149
00:07:26,880 --> 00:07:28,040
Yeah, yeah.
150
00:07:29,240 --> 00:07:30,720
But I could've. You know what...
151
00:07:30,760 --> 00:07:32,960
- You know what I'm talking about, yeah.
- Yeah.
152
00:07:33,000 --> 00:07:36,520
Oh, God, that feels good,
getting that off my chest.
153
00:07:36,560 --> 00:07:38,040
KERRY: Yeah.
154
00:07:43,920 --> 00:07:45,360
REV FRANCIS: So, how are you, Kerry?
155
00:07:45,400 --> 00:07:46,520
KERRY: Yeah, fine.
156
00:07:46,560 --> 00:07:49,960
Yeah, good. Um, I heard your dad
moved back in. How's that been going?
157
00:07:50,000 --> 00:07:51,240
Yeah, it's really good.
158
00:07:51,280 --> 00:07:52,280
Oh, that's excellent.
159
00:07:52,320 --> 00:07:53,920
- How have you been doing?
- Yeah, good.
160
00:07:53,960 --> 00:07:56,600
- Len still staying at yours with you?
- Yes. Yes, he is.
161
00:07:56,640 --> 00:08:00,680
Hypothetically, right, um,
if I needed a place to stay,
162
00:08:00,720 --> 00:08:04,560
do you think you'd kick out Len
because we're sort of closer mates?
163
00:08:04,600 --> 00:08:08,040
- Just sort of hypothetically speaking.
- Um...
164
00:08:08,080 --> 00:08:11,560
Because I can give him a call,
er, if it's too awkward for you.
165
00:08:11,600 --> 00:08:14,440
I'll just phone him up and go, er,
"Really sorry, Len,
166
00:08:14,480 --> 00:08:17,680
"unfortunately, the vicar's found asbestos
in the walls.
167
00:08:17,720 --> 00:08:20,160
"Also, you've gotta get out now.
168
00:08:20,200 --> 00:08:24,480
"So, do you...do you mind picking up
all your belongings and getting out?"
169
00:08:24,520 --> 00:08:25,520
- Kerry...
- "Within the hour..."
170
00:08:25,560 --> 00:08:27,240
- Kerry.
- "...would be great."
171
00:08:27,280 --> 00:08:29,120
Kerry, is there a problem at home?
172
00:08:29,160 --> 00:08:33,440
No, I just fancy a new house.
Is that so...is that such a crime?
173
00:08:33,480 --> 00:08:35,640
- Jeez!
- No, all I'm saying is,
174
00:08:35,680 --> 00:08:37,520
look, these things...
175
00:08:37,560 --> 00:08:39,760
...these things can be difficult
to talk about,
176
00:08:39,800 --> 00:08:44,240
but, like I've always said,
and we've always said,
177
00:08:44,280 --> 00:08:45,880
you can't hide from a problem
178
00:08:45,920 --> 00:08:48,680
and it's so much better to address it,
179
00:08:48,720 --> 00:08:51,800
so do you wanna talk about it?
180
00:08:51,840 --> 00:08:54,560
Well, it's sort of difficult to explain
181
00:08:54,600 --> 00:08:58,200
because I'm a bit confused myself,
in a way, I suppose.
182
00:08:58,240 --> 00:09:00,640
I understand. I'm...I'm here to listen.
183
00:09:00,680 --> 00:09:02,040
Why don't you try me?
184
00:09:03,480 --> 00:09:05,080
Right.
185
00:09:05,120 --> 00:09:09,440
Have you ever seen the kids' programme
Bodger And Badger?
186
00:09:09,480 --> 00:09:11,120
- Do you remember that?
- Oh, yes. (CHUCKLES)
187
00:09:11,160 --> 00:09:12,840
- Yeah?
- I think so, years ago, yeah.
188
00:09:12,880 --> 00:09:15,360
- So, those two are funny, ain't they?
- Yep.
189
00:09:15,400 --> 00:09:17,960
And I think it works
because they sort of
190
00:09:18,000 --> 00:09:19,720
- balance each other out, in a way.
- Mm.
191
00:09:19,760 --> 00:09:22,520
Because you can't have two Badgers,
192
00:09:22,560 --> 00:09:25,240
because the place would just be covered
in mashed potato
193
00:09:25,280 --> 00:09:26,880
and no-one's paying the rent,
194
00:09:26,920 --> 00:09:29,320
as you can't have two Bodgers,
195
00:09:29,360 --> 00:09:31,800
because nothing funny would ever happen
196
00:09:31,840 --> 00:09:34,360
and that place would be utterly soulless.
197
00:09:34,400 --> 00:09:36,560
Sorry, I'm not quite following you.
198
00:09:36,600 --> 00:09:38,480
Right, so my mum's Bodger.
199
00:09:38,520 --> 00:09:39,560
Right.
200
00:09:39,600 --> 00:09:41,520
And I'm Badger.
201
00:09:41,560 --> 00:09:44,600
- And your dad is...?
- He's also a Badger.
202
00:09:44,640 --> 00:09:49,720
- So a Bodger can't have two Badgers?
- No, not at all,
203
00:09:49,760 --> 00:09:52,160
because there's not enough mashed potato
to go around.
204
00:09:52,200 --> 00:09:55,800
Yes, I can see
how that would be a problem.
205
00:09:56,880 --> 00:09:58,280
So what do I do?
206
00:10:00,040 --> 00:10:01,800
(SIGHS) Well...
207
00:10:01,840 --> 00:10:04,520
I think you need to talk to Bodger.
208
00:10:06,400 --> 00:10:08,280
I don't think he'd wanna get involved.
209
00:10:08,320 --> 00:10:10,320
- I mean your mum.
- Oh.
210
00:10:10,360 --> 00:10:11,640
Right, yeah.
211
00:10:11,680 --> 00:10:13,280
Right, why don't you just talk to her,
Kerry?
212
00:10:13,320 --> 00:10:15,400
Tell her how you're feeling
about the whole situation,
213
00:10:15,440 --> 00:10:17,000
and then who knows?
214
00:10:17,040 --> 00:10:19,440
Maybe you can come
to some sort of an arrangement.
215
00:10:21,480 --> 00:10:22,840
Yeah, I suppose.
216
00:10:22,880 --> 00:10:24,240
- Mm?
- OK.
217
00:10:24,280 --> 00:10:26,000
REV FRANCIS: Yes, it's, er...
218
00:10:26,040 --> 00:10:28,920
Well, it's funny how the world works
sometimes -
219
00:10:28,960 --> 00:10:31,520
you can wish for something
and then, when it finally happens,
220
00:10:31,560 --> 00:10:35,040
it's not quite what you expected.
(CHUCKLES)
221
00:10:35,080 --> 00:10:39,560
Like, er, well, for instance,
I...I used to be a huge Paul Merton fan.
222
00:10:39,600 --> 00:10:41,320
I always wanted to meet him.
223
00:10:41,360 --> 00:10:44,880
Then, one day, er, I found myself
sitting opposite him on the train
224
00:10:44,920 --> 00:10:47,120
from Didcot to London.
225
00:10:47,160 --> 00:10:52,520
And I...I heard him whisper very loudly
to his agent...
226
00:10:52,560 --> 00:10:54,440
(SIGHS)
227
00:10:54,480 --> 00:10:57,320
"...The boiled egg in the dog collar
keeps smiling at me.
228
00:10:57,360 --> 00:11:00,800
"This is why we need to go first class,
Derek."
229
00:11:02,280 --> 00:11:03,280
(SIGHS)
230
00:11:08,760 --> 00:11:10,080
Mum?
231
00:11:18,440 --> 00:11:19,880
Yeah.
232
00:11:19,920 --> 00:11:21,280
Yeah, sure.
233
00:11:26,600 --> 00:11:27,800
Yeah.
234
00:11:37,200 --> 00:11:38,520
Thanks!
235
00:11:38,560 --> 00:11:41,360
Yeah, I was thinking of talking
to Mum about Dad.
236
00:11:41,400 --> 00:11:43,040
But what's good for me
237
00:11:43,080 --> 00:11:46,080
is not necessarily good for her
at the moment.
238
00:11:46,120 --> 00:11:48,680
She's in such a good mood right now.
239
00:11:48,720 --> 00:11:50,360
You know, I haven't seen her this happy
240
00:11:50,400 --> 00:11:52,240
since Auntie Linda
put on a load of weight.
241
00:11:53,360 --> 00:11:54,920
Yeah?
242
00:11:59,880 --> 00:12:02,000
Why? What's going on tomorrow night?
243
00:12:26,320 --> 00:12:27,680
(SNIFFS) Ugh...
244
00:12:29,280 --> 00:12:31,640
I like Skittles, but that is wank.
245
00:12:33,560 --> 00:12:34,720
(SIGHS)
246
00:13:01,080 --> 00:13:02,520
REV FRANCIS: Edit profile, but I'm...
247
00:13:02,560 --> 00:13:03,720
LEN: Edit profile, really?
248
00:13:03,760 --> 00:13:05,560
Again, I'm not entirely sure.
249
00:13:05,600 --> 00:13:07,560
Oh, I tell you who will know, it's Kurtan.
Kurtan?
250
00:13:07,600 --> 00:13:09,920
- Kurtan, now, er, Len...
- Yeah.
251
00:13:09,960 --> 00:13:12,280
...wants to change
his relationship status...
252
00:13:12,320 --> 00:13:13,320
Yeah.
253
00:13:13,360 --> 00:13:15,000
...on Facebook. How can he do that?
254
00:13:15,040 --> 00:13:16,200
Oh, easy, I can do it now.
255
00:13:16,240 --> 00:13:17,640
Oh, wonderful.
256
00:13:17,680 --> 00:13:19,560
- Relationship, eh?
- Yeah.
257
00:13:19,600 --> 00:13:20,600
Blimey.
258
00:13:20,640 --> 00:13:22,360
REV FRANCIS:
Yes, there's been some exciting
259
00:13:22,400 --> 00:13:23,840
developments with Len,
260
00:13:23,880 --> 00:13:27,960
and I never thought I'd say this,
but love is in the air.
261
00:13:28,000 --> 00:13:29,520
He's, er, he's actually met
262
00:13:29,560 --> 00:13:32,360
a lovely lady online from America
called Cynthia,
263
00:13:32,400 --> 00:13:34,520
and they've been talking via Facebook.
264
00:13:34,560 --> 00:13:37,120
I've, er, I've written a poem for Cynthia.
265
00:13:37,160 --> 00:13:39,240
Oh, well, that's just lovely, Len.
266
00:13:39,280 --> 00:13:41,920
Do you...do you want to read it out?
267
00:13:41,960 --> 00:13:43,520
- Er...
- You don't have to,
268
00:13:43,560 --> 00:13:45,880
but we'd love to hear it, wouldn't we?
269
00:13:45,920 --> 00:13:48,280
- Really? All right. Let's have a look.
- Oh, yes, please.
270
00:13:48,320 --> 00:13:49,320
Um...
271
00:13:50,960 --> 00:13:54,440
"You fill my days with sun
272
00:13:55,880 --> 00:13:58,160
"You fill my nights with moon
273
00:14:00,240 --> 00:14:02,760
"You fill the air with breeze
274
00:14:04,040 --> 00:14:08,320
"You fill the arboretum with trees."
275
00:14:08,360 --> 00:14:09,840
REV FRANCIS: Well, I...I wouldn't say
276
00:14:09,880 --> 00:14:13,200
it's been a case of turning water
into wine
277
00:14:13,240 --> 00:14:16,040
because I knew
Len always had it in him.
278
00:14:16,080 --> 00:14:18,720
I just think a lot of people felt
Len was a lost cause,
279
00:14:18,760 --> 00:14:21,600
but what they failed to see
was his potential.
280
00:14:21,640 --> 00:14:25,520
Er, it actually reminds me
a bit of Jesus and the leper.
281
00:14:25,560 --> 00:14:28,920
Not... I'm not saying Len has leprosy.
282
00:14:28,960 --> 00:14:31,640
Although, he did have a fungal infection
283
00:14:31,680 --> 00:14:34,480
from not taking his shoes off
for such a long time.
284
00:14:34,520 --> 00:14:37,360
"You fill my dance with jive
285
00:14:38,480 --> 00:14:40,920
"You are the only thing keeping me alive."
286
00:14:44,080 --> 00:14:46,280
That's...beautiful, Len.
287
00:14:46,320 --> 00:14:48,120
All right, thank you.
288
00:14:48,160 --> 00:14:49,560
Thanks very much.
289
00:14:49,600 --> 00:14:51,800
Well done, well done.
290
00:14:51,840 --> 00:14:54,600
KURTAN: Yeah, it's great
that Len's doing well. Um...
291
00:14:54,640 --> 00:14:58,040
But the problem is,
it's just fuelling the vicar's ego.
292
00:14:58,080 --> 00:14:59,240
You should see him
293
00:14:59,280 --> 00:15:03,120
parading Len around in the cafe
like a show pony, it's disgusting.
294
00:15:03,160 --> 00:15:05,480
Yeah, and what Vicar doesn't realise
295
00:15:05,520 --> 00:15:07,960
is that, ultimately, you can
never truly tame a wild beast.
296
00:15:08,000 --> 00:15:09,320
You know, eventually,
297
00:15:09,360 --> 00:15:12,920
they will turn on their captors
because it's just animal instinct.
298
00:15:12,960 --> 00:15:15,840
It's like that woman who got her face
ripped off by her pet chimp.
299
00:15:17,880 --> 00:15:20,400
Have you seen her face transplant?
300
00:15:21,680 --> 00:15:24,880
Looks like someone threw a pancake
at her from the other side of the room.
301
00:15:24,920 --> 00:15:27,280
It's bizarre - no features.
302
00:15:33,200 --> 00:15:35,320
(MUSIC BLARES)
303
00:15:37,720 --> 00:15:39,440
Oh, go on, Martin!
304
00:15:39,480 --> 00:15:44,760
The boys are back in tow-ow-own!
305
00:15:44,800 --> 00:15:47,280
Who wants another shot?
306
00:15:47,320 --> 00:15:48,480
Hey!
307
00:15:48,520 --> 00:15:51,440
Hi-de, hi-de, hi-de-ho
308
00:15:51,480 --> 00:15:54,160
Hi-de, hi-de, hi-de-ho...
309
00:15:54,200 --> 00:15:57,560
(LAUGHTER AND SHOUTING)
310
00:15:59,920 --> 00:16:01,160
Yeah, I just decided, er,
311
00:16:01,200 --> 00:16:03,600
I'm gonna have a sleepover
at Kurtan's tonight.
312
00:16:03,640 --> 00:16:07,000
Er, I just don't really wanna be at home
at the moment
313
00:16:07,040 --> 00:16:11,120
so I just really wanna go somewhere
where I'll know I'll feel welcome.
314
00:16:15,480 --> 00:16:17,720
This is really,
massively inconvenient, Kerry,
315
00:16:17,760 --> 00:16:19,040
and massively late notice.
316
00:16:19,080 --> 00:16:20,080
I'm sorry, Kurtan.
317
00:16:20,120 --> 00:16:22,520
Nan will go apoplectic
if she knows you're staying the night.
318
00:16:22,560 --> 00:16:23,800
She's at Farm Foods now,
319
00:16:23,840 --> 00:16:26,160
so you've literally got an hour
to practise keeping your clodhopping
320
00:16:26,200 --> 00:16:28,120
and your foghorning
down to an absolute minimum, OK?
321
00:16:28,160 --> 00:16:29,520
Oh, okey dokey.
322
00:16:29,560 --> 00:16:32,600
(SIGHS) Even in the casual way
in which you just said okey dokey
323
00:16:32,640 --> 00:16:35,440
makes me think you don't understand
the seriousness of this situation.
324
00:16:35,480 --> 00:16:36,760
I do, Kurtan!
325
00:16:36,800 --> 00:16:39,080
- OK, foghorning, Kerry!
- (SIGHS)
326
00:16:39,120 --> 00:16:40,840
When you think
you're taking it down a notch,
327
00:16:40,880 --> 00:16:42,840
take it down another four notches,
please.
328
00:16:42,880 --> 00:16:44,640
- OK.
- All right, come in...
329
00:16:44,680 --> 00:16:46,360
- Thank you.
- ...and go straight upstairs.
330
00:16:48,120 --> 00:16:50,480
My nan cannot stand Kerry.
331
00:16:50,520 --> 00:16:52,240
She don't like house guests
at the best of times
332
00:16:52,280 --> 00:16:55,240
but she just thinks
Kerry's completely out of control.
333
00:16:55,280 --> 00:16:57,920
This one time,
Kerry left some Pringles shards
334
00:16:57,960 --> 00:16:59,200
on the arm of the sofa.
335
00:17:00,280 --> 00:17:01,880
Yeah, you don't come back from that.
336
00:17:04,280 --> 00:17:06,320
And rightly so.
337
00:17:07,680 --> 00:17:09,880
- Where's my squash?
- We're sharing this one,
338
00:17:09,920 --> 00:17:12,400
otherwise she'll know there's two cups
missing from the cupboard.
339
00:17:12,440 --> 00:17:14,040
Well, can I have a little bit?
340
00:17:14,080 --> 00:17:16,000
- Yes.
- Thank you.
341
00:17:16,040 --> 00:17:18,080
But ration it because I ain't getting
you any more.
342
00:17:18,120 --> 00:17:20,040
(FRONT DOOR CLOSES)
343
00:17:20,080 --> 00:17:21,080
Mm.
344
00:17:22,760 --> 00:17:24,120
She's back.
345
00:17:24,160 --> 00:17:25,840
(KEYS CLINK)
346
00:17:25,880 --> 00:17:28,320
- Lee, my love?
- Yes?
347
00:17:28,360 --> 00:17:30,480
You coming down for a natter?
348
00:17:30,520 --> 00:17:32,120
Yes, one second, Nan.
349
00:17:32,160 --> 00:17:34,600
Right, can you be trusted
up here on your own?
350
00:17:34,640 --> 00:17:36,200
Because I've gotta go downstairs.
351
00:17:36,240 --> 00:17:38,240
Natter, what's she mean by natter?
352
00:17:38,280 --> 00:17:40,920
Just we natter, we have a cup of tea...
353
00:17:40,960 --> 00:17:42,840
We do it every evening, OK?
354
00:17:42,880 --> 00:17:44,960
A lot like chatting, then?
355
00:17:45,000 --> 00:17:46,640
No, nattering, big difference.
356
00:17:46,680 --> 00:17:48,600
What's the difference?
357
00:17:48,640 --> 00:17:50,160
Chattin' is like conversation,
358
00:17:50,200 --> 00:17:52,240
natterin' is when you flitter
between subjects
359
00:17:52,280 --> 00:17:54,760
without having to give it
a proper introduction
360
00:17:54,800 --> 00:17:56,640
or link them to anything, OK?
361
00:17:57,960 --> 00:17:59,600
What will you natter about?
362
00:17:59,640 --> 00:18:02,840
Well, I don't know.
Wherever the nattering takes us, OK?
363
00:18:02,880 --> 00:18:03,880
Just...
364
00:18:05,880 --> 00:18:06,960
Coming, Nan.
365
00:18:10,320 --> 00:18:12,960
The problem with Kurtan is...
366
00:18:13,000 --> 00:18:15,720
...he's just an old woman
trapped in the body of a young man.
367
00:18:17,080 --> 00:18:18,480
Actually, that's wrong
368
00:18:18,520 --> 00:18:21,880
cos he's also got the body
of an old woman.
369
00:18:21,920 --> 00:18:26,120
So he's just an old woman
trapped in the body of an old woman.
370
00:18:26,160 --> 00:18:29,080
NAN: Oh, no, and she's left her mansion
to crumble to bloody ruins.
371
00:18:29,120 --> 00:18:30,160
KURTAN: Yeah.
372
00:18:30,200 --> 00:18:33,480
NAN: All those pets and horses
and what have you?
373
00:18:33,520 --> 00:18:35,680
KURTAN: God, I thought Springwatch
was so poor this evening.
374
00:18:35,720 --> 00:18:37,440
NAN: Oh, yes.
375
00:18:37,480 --> 00:18:39,560
KURTAN: No point having otter cam
then cutting to otter cam
376
00:18:39,600 --> 00:18:41,280
for only, like, two seconds.
377
00:18:41,320 --> 00:18:42,400
NAN: No, no.
378
00:18:44,160 --> 00:18:47,480
Lidl's teabags may be cheap,
but they're bloody useless.
379
00:18:47,520 --> 00:18:48,840
KURTAN: Yeah.
380
00:18:49,960 --> 00:18:52,280
NAN: Do you know
where I've always wanted to go?
381
00:18:52,320 --> 00:18:54,240
- Where?
- Scotland.
382
00:18:54,280 --> 00:18:58,000
- I've never been to bloody Scotland.
- Yeah.
383
00:19:04,160 --> 00:19:06,080
I'm so knackered.
384
00:19:07,880 --> 00:19:11,280
Kurtan kicked me out
before his nan woke up.
385
00:19:11,320 --> 00:19:13,440
Now I don't know where to go.
386
00:19:13,480 --> 00:19:16,960
Like, I can't even go to the cafe
cos that's not even open yet.
387
00:19:18,520 --> 00:19:19,920
(SNIFFS)
388
00:19:19,960 --> 00:19:23,160
Yeah, I'll probably have to go
to Len's old patch.
389
00:19:23,200 --> 00:19:27,680
Or there's a sheltered bit
under the bypass to Gloucester.
390
00:19:27,720 --> 00:19:29,760
But I don't really know
391
00:19:29,800 --> 00:19:33,320
how, like, territories work
on the streets,
392
00:19:33,360 --> 00:19:36,640
like whether you have to ask permission
or it's just a free-for-all.
393
00:19:39,360 --> 00:19:42,800
Yeah, I don't wanna step
on anyone's toes, like.
394
00:19:49,000 --> 00:19:50,600
Is that Dad and Sandra?
395
00:19:52,280 --> 00:19:53,480
(GASPS)
396
00:19:54,640 --> 00:19:56,000
Oh, my God.
397
00:20:05,120 --> 00:20:06,520
Come on.
398
00:20:15,160 --> 00:20:16,800
LEN: Kurtan! I need some help!
399
00:20:16,840 --> 00:20:17,840
What is it?
400
00:20:17,880 --> 00:20:20,280
Well, how do you do
an online money transfer?
401
00:20:20,320 --> 00:20:22,000
Well, who are you transferring
the money to?
402
00:20:22,040 --> 00:20:23,320
To Cynthia.
403
00:20:23,360 --> 00:20:25,040
What for? She's not rinsing you,
is she, Len?
404
00:20:25,080 --> 00:20:26,600
No, she's got her own money.
405
00:20:26,640 --> 00:20:28,320
She's got $12 million
406
00:20:28,360 --> 00:20:30,440
and she's heiress to a diamond fortune.
407
00:20:31,840 --> 00:20:34,880
Right, well, what does
she need your money for, then?
408
00:20:34,920 --> 00:20:38,080
Well, she can't fly over
till she gets a passport,
409
00:20:38,120 --> 00:20:39,840
and they won't give her access
to her money
410
00:20:39,880 --> 00:20:42,040
until she gets $3,000,
411
00:20:42,080 --> 00:20:44,200
so I'm giving her $3,000.
412
00:20:44,240 --> 00:20:46,400
Is that all right, Officer?
413
00:20:46,440 --> 00:20:47,440
(SCOFFS) Well...
414
00:20:47,480 --> 00:20:50,120
Well, it's just that doesn't make
much sense, Len.
415
00:20:50,160 --> 00:20:51,320
Look, it's all in there.
416
00:20:51,360 --> 00:20:53,800
Look, here's the details,
just put the money in there.
417
00:20:56,320 --> 00:20:58,040
This is a bank account in Nigeria.
418
00:20:58,080 --> 00:21:00,560
Yeah, well, she's borrowing
her brother's account
419
00:21:00,600 --> 00:21:02,680
because she hasn't got
one of her own at the moment.
420
00:21:02,720 --> 00:21:04,760
What's all the fuss for, fussy?
421
00:21:04,800 --> 00:21:07,280
It's just...
No, I'm not fussing, I just...
422
00:21:07,320 --> 00:21:09,040
Well, I can't actually do it today cos...
423
00:21:10,480 --> 00:21:12,440
...you can't send money online
on a Tuesday, but...
424
00:21:12,480 --> 00:21:13,520
Oh.
425
00:21:13,560 --> 00:21:15,600
...I can do it tomorrow, if that's better?
426
00:21:15,640 --> 00:21:18,960
Yeah, yeah. But first thing, yeah?
427
00:21:19,000 --> 00:21:20,280
- Yeah.
- Yeah, there you are.
428
00:21:23,120 --> 00:21:24,200
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
429
00:21:24,240 --> 00:21:25,880
- Oh, hi, Vicar.
- Oh, hi, Kurtan.
430
00:21:25,920 --> 00:21:27,560
- How are you doing?
- Er, good.
431
00:21:27,600 --> 00:21:31,600
Er, quickly, have you actually seen
any pictures of Len's girlfriend?
432
00:21:31,640 --> 00:21:33,600
Er, no, I haven't.
433
00:21:33,640 --> 00:21:36,560
Er, well,
this is her profile picture, look.
434
00:21:36,600 --> 00:21:37,960
Ah.
435
00:21:38,000 --> 00:21:41,440
And I googled the image,
and that is not a woman called Cynthia.
436
00:21:41,480 --> 00:21:44,080
That is a woman called Joan,
from Humberside,
437
00:21:44,120 --> 00:21:47,320
who was a fitness model in the '80s
but is now currently dead.
438
00:21:47,360 --> 00:21:49,280
Oh, dear.
439
00:21:49,320 --> 00:21:53,360
And whoever is posing as her
is wanting Len to send them money, so...
440
00:21:53,400 --> 00:21:55,120
...we need to stop him.
441
00:21:56,920 --> 00:21:59,000
What a rotten thing to do to someone.
442
00:21:59,040 --> 00:22:00,520
Yeah.
443
00:22:01,960 --> 00:22:05,080
(SCOFFS)
Why can't it just be like the old days?
444
00:22:05,120 --> 00:22:08,720
Boy meets girl in cafe, boy asks girl out,
445
00:22:08,760 --> 00:22:10,880
boy courts girl
with permission from parents,
446
00:22:10,920 --> 00:22:14,280
boy asks for girl's hand in marriage,
the end.
447
00:22:14,320 --> 00:22:16,320
(SCOFFS) Well...
448
00:22:16,360 --> 00:22:18,640
- Cos that's proper sexist, Vicar.
- What?
449
00:22:18,680 --> 00:22:22,880
Well, you're saying if you're a girl
and you wanna find love,
450
00:22:22,920 --> 00:22:25,880
- you've gotta hang around cafes all day.
- No, no, no.
451
00:22:25,920 --> 00:22:27,240
Like cattle in a cattle market,
452
00:22:27,280 --> 00:22:29,800
just waiting for blokes to come around
and pick 'em off.
453
00:22:29,840 --> 00:22:33,000
That's...that's proper prehistoric, Vicar.
454
00:22:33,040 --> 00:22:34,400
(REV FRANCIS STUTTERS)
455
00:22:34,440 --> 00:22:38,160
Well, I can see
how it might be misconstrued,
456
00:22:38,200 --> 00:22:39,960
but I certainly didn't mean it that way.
457
00:22:40,000 --> 00:22:41,840
Well, just don't...don't apologise to me,
458
00:22:41,880 --> 00:22:44,440
apologise to all the women out there.
459
00:22:44,480 --> 00:22:45,680
What?
460
00:22:52,560 --> 00:22:53,640
Sorry.
461
00:23:00,360 --> 00:23:03,600
Well, my mum might be happy now
with Dad,
462
00:23:03,640 --> 00:23:06,400
but she's living in a dreamland.
463
00:23:06,440 --> 00:23:08,440
Mum?
464
00:23:08,480 --> 00:23:10,320
I couldn't have a quick word, could I?
465
00:23:10,360 --> 00:23:12,600
Because it's exactly like
466
00:23:12,640 --> 00:23:15,400
when I was best mates
with Dan Shelton in year 9,
467
00:23:15,440 --> 00:23:16,800
and Kurtan was like,
468
00:23:16,840 --> 00:23:19,600
"You know he's not mates with you
because of your personality,
469
00:23:19,640 --> 00:23:21,840
"he's only mates with you
cos you've got Tekken 3
470
00:23:21,880 --> 00:23:23,920
"on the PlayStation One."
471
00:23:23,960 --> 00:23:27,080
And, at first,
that was really hard to hear,
472
00:23:27,120 --> 00:23:29,400
but, you know,
it was sort of liberating in a way
473
00:23:29,440 --> 00:23:33,120
because it meant
that I could be Yoshimitsu,
474
00:23:33,160 --> 00:23:36,400
because he always used to have
to be Yoshimitsu and I'd be Heihachi.
475
00:23:36,440 --> 00:23:38,640
And Heihachi is not my fighting style,
476
00:23:38,680 --> 00:23:40,600
Yoshimitsu is.
477
00:23:42,760 --> 00:23:44,040
No, I know.
478
00:23:45,760 --> 00:23:46,760
He is.
479
00:23:51,840 --> 00:23:52,880
Yeah, I just...
480
00:24:05,800 --> 00:24:07,480
Do you want a cup of tea?
481
00:24:08,840 --> 00:24:10,000
Wagon Wheel?
482
00:24:10,040 --> 00:24:12,480
Yeah, I'll get you a Wagon Wheel.
483
00:24:21,400 --> 00:24:25,000
- You wanted to see me, Vicar?
- Yes, have a seat.
484
00:24:25,040 --> 00:24:26,560
Um, right, well, er...
485
00:24:26,600 --> 00:24:28,720
Well, firstly...
486
00:24:28,760 --> 00:24:31,680
(EXHALES) ...I just wanted to say
487
00:24:31,720 --> 00:24:34,200
what fantastic progress you've made
488
00:24:34,240 --> 00:24:37,640
and, um, er,
I think it's really important
489
00:24:37,680 --> 00:24:40,920
that you keep on
with this positive new attitude,
490
00:24:40,960 --> 00:24:43,400
um, no matter what happens.
491
00:24:43,440 --> 00:24:45,200
Yeah, well, er,
492
00:24:45,240 --> 00:24:49,840
anything's possible now I got Cynthia,
and that's all down to you, Vicar.
493
00:24:49,880 --> 00:24:50,920
Um, yes.
494
00:24:50,960 --> 00:24:54,240
Um, so, well, the thing is, er,
495
00:24:54,280 --> 00:24:59,000
I'm afraid I have to tell you
something about Cynthia.
496
00:24:59,040 --> 00:25:01,240
Yeah? What?
497
00:25:01,280 --> 00:25:05,320
(SIGHS) And it's...
Well, it's not good news, unfortunately.
498
00:25:07,600 --> 00:25:08,960
What is it?
499
00:25:11,000 --> 00:25:12,120
Well, um...
500
00:25:13,400 --> 00:25:15,040
Right.
501
00:25:15,080 --> 00:25:17,000
What you need to know is that, um...
502
00:25:18,600 --> 00:25:21,480
I'm afraid Cynthia is...
503
00:25:21,520 --> 00:25:22,680
Dead.
504
00:25:29,320 --> 00:25:30,320
What?
505
00:25:32,920 --> 00:25:34,720
The police...
506
00:25:34,760 --> 00:25:37,680
...rang the vicar this morning...
507
00:25:39,040 --> 00:25:42,440
...to tell him to tell you
that she'd died...
508
00:25:43,720 --> 00:25:46,080
...unfortunately.
509
00:25:46,120 --> 00:25:47,920
How did she die?
510
00:25:50,040 --> 00:25:51,640
Um...
511
00:25:51,680 --> 00:25:53,360
Oh, well, I actually...
512
00:25:53,400 --> 00:25:56,520
I don't know, er, Vicar took the call.
513
00:26:00,760 --> 00:26:03,160
How did she die, Vicar?
514
00:26:05,480 --> 00:26:09,280
Well, she hit her head quite badly,
unfortunately.
515
00:26:09,320 --> 00:26:10,440
How?
516
00:26:13,080 --> 00:26:14,320
She f...
517
00:26:16,880 --> 00:26:18,680
She fell down the stairs.
518
00:26:22,560 --> 00:26:25,320
(STIFLES SOBS)
519
00:26:31,720 --> 00:26:33,640
But, Len, Len...
520
00:26:35,240 --> 00:26:37,480
...just before she left this world...
521
00:26:39,840 --> 00:26:42,800
...she said that
despite never having met you...
522
00:26:44,120 --> 00:26:47,320
...she was so proud
of everything you'd achieved
523
00:26:47,360 --> 00:26:49,200
and that you'll never be alone...
524
00:26:50,680 --> 00:26:54,840
...because she'll always,
always be with you.
525
00:27:01,840 --> 00:27:03,280
Thank you for telling me, Vicar.
526
00:27:06,120 --> 00:27:09,080
KURTAN: Well, sometimes
honesty is not always the best policy.
527
00:27:09,120 --> 00:27:14,160
Basically, I realised that the only way
to keep Cynthia alive was to kill her.
528
00:27:14,200 --> 00:27:15,960
Well, er...
529
00:27:16,000 --> 00:27:19,000
But I do wish we'd been
a little more on the same page
530
00:27:19,040 --> 00:27:20,640
at the start of the chat with Len, though.
531
00:27:21,960 --> 00:27:25,000
No, I... No, I take that in,
yeah, definitely.
532
00:27:25,040 --> 00:27:27,760
You know, if we had a bit more time,
we could've been more creative.
533
00:27:27,800 --> 00:27:30,480
Yeah, let her go out with a bang,
why not?
534
00:27:30,520 --> 00:27:33,440
I mean, who falls down stairs these days?
It's not Homer Simpson.
535
00:27:45,640 --> 00:27:47,640
REV FRANCIS: Watch out for the stingers.
536
00:27:48,840 --> 00:27:51,920
- Wow.
- Have a look at that.
537
00:27:51,960 --> 00:27:54,800
- Look at that, Ker.
- Not bad, eh?
538
00:27:55,800 --> 00:27:59,360
KURTAN: Do you know what?
I don't think we've ever been up here.
539
00:27:59,400 --> 00:28:01,920
And I thought maybe this would be
an appropriate place
540
00:28:01,960 --> 00:28:03,680
to release Cynthia's lantern.
541
00:28:05,800 --> 00:28:07,120
Yeah, it's perfect.
542
00:28:10,120 --> 00:28:11,640
- Lower it down, Vicar.
- Lower it?
543
00:28:11,680 --> 00:28:13,360
- Lower it.
- Lower it.
544
00:28:13,400 --> 00:28:15,680
Trust me, I have experience
in lighting the shit up stuff.
545
00:28:17,880 --> 00:28:19,720
- Here we go!
- All right? Here we go.
546
00:28:19,760 --> 00:28:22,000
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah, here we go!
- Let it go!
547
00:28:23,600 --> 00:28:24,640
Go.
548
00:28:24,680 --> 00:28:26,480
Yeah, yeah!
549
00:28:26,520 --> 00:28:28,040
- Yes!
- Go on!
550
00:28:28,080 --> 00:28:30,120
- There she goes!
- Go on!
551
00:28:31,760 --> 00:28:34,440
ALL: Oooh!
552
00:28:34,480 --> 00:28:37,040
Oh, isn't that lovely?
There she goes, Len.
553
00:28:41,280 --> 00:28:45,320
Yeah, you know,
those are the biggest killer of barn owls.
554
00:28:45,360 --> 00:28:47,520
- What are?
- Them lanterns.
555
00:28:47,560 --> 00:28:49,440
Oh. Oh, no, really?
556
00:28:49,480 --> 00:28:52,600
Yeah. It gets entangled in the debris.
557
00:28:52,640 --> 00:28:54,040
- Yeah.
- Oh, no.
558
00:28:54,080 --> 00:28:57,440
And cows die from 'em as well,
cos they eat the metal parts.
559
00:28:58,880 --> 00:29:01,360
REV FRANCIS: Well, I really wish you'd
told me that before we'd lit it.
42379
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