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1
00:00:03,322 --> 00:00:04,888
‐ Previously on Future Man...
2
00:00:04,912 --> 00:00:07,644
‐ Another escape on your watch,
Saint Jackalope?
3
00:00:07,668 --> 00:00:09,393
Sooner or later,
we will get them
4
00:00:09,417 --> 00:00:11,857
and when we do,
you'll be out of a job
5
00:00:11,881 --> 00:00:13,401
and a family.
6
00:00:13,425 --> 00:00:15,782
‐ Albino bear of legend.
‐ Whitey is a myth.
7
00:00:15,806 --> 00:00:17,326
No.
I will kill Whitey.
8
00:00:18,645 --> 00:00:19,998
‐ We've gathered here to sign
9
00:00:20,022 --> 00:00:21,759
this peace and trade agreement.
10
00:00:21,783 --> 00:00:24,967
Turns out
she was a dame.
11
00:00:24,991 --> 00:00:26,595
And so am I.
12
00:00:26,619 --> 00:00:27,976
‐ I think we're looking
at temporal decay.
13
00:00:28,000 --> 00:00:29,475
Time overlapping,
14
00:00:29,499 --> 00:00:31,356
future and past existing
simultaneously.
15
00:00:31,380 --> 00:00:34,151
‐ This version of you tried
to stop bin Laden before 9/11.
16
00:00:34,175 --> 00:00:35,697
He ended up giving him
a time machine,
17
00:00:35,721 --> 00:00:37,408
and now time traveling
bin Laden is on you.
18
00:00:37,432 --> 00:00:40,790
‐ God?
‐ No, my friend.
19
00:00:40,814 --> 00:00:42,459
‐ Osama bin Laden?
20
00:00:42,483 --> 00:00:45,283
‐ Guilty as charged.
21
00:00:47,786 --> 00:00:49,432
‐ No, no, no, no.
22
00:00:49,456 --> 00:00:51,352
No, no, no, no, no.
23
00:00:51,376 --> 00:00:54,818
‐ Are you not happy to see me?
24
00:00:54,842 --> 00:00:56,697
‐ Fuck no!
25
00:00:56,721 --> 00:00:59,035
You're Osama fucking bin Laden!
26
00:00:59,059 --> 00:01:02,416
‐ Yes, you know me?
I'm the voice in your head.
27
00:01:02,440 --> 00:01:04,007
Here, let me help you.
‐ No, don't touch me!
28
00:01:04,031 --> 00:01:05,464
Don't touch me!
29
00:01:05,488 --> 00:01:07,259
‐ Oh, I see
what's happening here.
30
00:01:07,283 --> 00:01:10,098
You're confusing the nice me
31
00:01:10,122 --> 00:01:12,771
with the naughty me
from your timeline.
32
00:01:12,795 --> 00:01:15,652
‐ Naughty?
‐ But I'm not that guy.
33
00:01:15,676 --> 00:01:18,824
Another you saved me
from becoming him!
34
00:01:18,848 --> 00:01:21,414
‐ So I'm like reverse
SEAL Team Six now.
35
00:01:21,438 --> 00:01:23,333
‐ A Josh came to me
at university.
36
00:01:23,357 --> 00:01:27,617
He called himself J1, but you
know him by a different name.
37
00:01:28,535 --> 00:01:30,515
The Josh with the nut
for the face.
38
00:01:30,539 --> 00:01:32,396
‐ Nut‐face.
‐ He told me about,
39
00:01:32,420 --> 00:01:34,981
you know,
the thing with the planes,
40
00:01:35,005 --> 00:01:37,319
and that I could choose
a different path.
41
00:01:37,343 --> 00:01:39,750
So I did.
I don't even believe in God.
42
00:01:39,774 --> 00:01:41,912
‐ You‐‐you lied to me.
43
00:01:41,936 --> 00:01:43,793
You told me
I had a divine purpose.
44
00:01:43,817 --> 00:01:47,464
‐ I said purpose,
you filled in the divine, bro.
45
00:01:47,488 --> 00:01:50,387
‐ But you‐‐you told me
that you were God.
46
00:01:50,411 --> 00:01:51,688
Didn't you?
‐ Nope.
47
00:01:51,712 --> 00:01:53,477
I never lied to you.
48
00:01:53,501 --> 00:01:58,027
I told you I was a friend,
and I was here to help you.
49
00:01:58,051 --> 00:02:00,996
All the God stuff,
that's on you, my friend.
50
00:02:01,020 --> 00:02:02,662
‐ No, we are not friends!
51
00:02:02,686 --> 00:02:04,248
‐ Of course we are!
52
00:02:04,272 --> 00:02:05,668
I'd like to think
we've developed
53
00:02:05,692 --> 00:02:07,799
a nice little rapport
in a short while.
54
00:02:07,823 --> 00:02:12,055
Besides, me and the other Josh
were the very best of friends.
55
00:02:12,079 --> 00:02:14,268
‐ Uh‐uh, that is impossible!
56
00:02:14,292 --> 00:02:16,063
‐ Is it?
57
00:02:16,087 --> 00:02:19,863
During our time together,
he told me many things.
58
00:02:19,887 --> 00:02:23,244
Things one would
only tell their B...
59
00:02:23,268 --> 00:02:24,539
‐ No.
‐ F...
60
00:02:24,563 --> 00:02:25,920
‐ No, don't say‐‐ ‐ F!
61
00:02:25,944 --> 00:02:27,962
You were nine years old.
62
00:02:27,986 --> 00:02:30,676
Your second grade class
went on a field trip
63
00:02:30,700 --> 00:02:33,223
to Mission San Juan Capistrano.
64
00:02:33,247 --> 00:02:36,020
You snuck an extra churro
at snack time,
65
00:02:36,044 --> 00:02:38,651
and then two more.
66
00:02:38,675 --> 00:02:40,530
And they didn't sit well,
did they?
67
00:02:40,554 --> 00:02:42,371
‐ Stop it, stop it, stop it!
‐ Hmm?
68
00:02:42,395 --> 00:02:43,869
You dookied your pants
69
00:02:43,893 --> 00:02:46,340
halfway through
that afternoon's tour
70
00:02:46,364 --> 00:02:47,919
of the bell tower,
71
00:02:47,943 --> 00:02:51,384
and then you stripped off
your soiled underwears
72
00:02:51,408 --> 00:02:54,933
in the bathroom,
snuck out behind the mission,
73
00:02:54,957 --> 00:02:59,066
and buried the evidence
in a soldier's grave.
74
00:02:59,090 --> 00:03:00,695
‐ No, no, I never‐‐ I never...
75
00:03:00,719 --> 00:03:01,905
‐ Tell the truth.
‐ That didn't‐‐
76
00:03:01,929 --> 00:03:03,036
‐ You'll feel better.
77
00:03:03,060 --> 00:03:04,953
‐ It was a cemetery!
78
00:03:04,977 --> 00:03:07,416
You're supposed to bury things
in cemeteries!
79
00:03:07,440 --> 00:03:10,213
‐ And you never told anyone.
80
00:03:10,237 --> 00:03:12,175
Only me.
81
00:03:12,199 --> 00:03:14,659
Your best...
82
00:03:16,249 --> 00:03:18,759
‐ Friend.
‐ Forever!
83
00:03:20,592 --> 00:03:22,182
‐
84
00:03:27,856 --> 00:03:29,418
You were supposed to be God.
85
00:03:29,442 --> 00:03:30,799
You were supposed
to take me home!
86
00:03:30,823 --> 00:03:33,009
‐ The home I promised you
is real, Josh!
87
00:03:33,033 --> 00:03:34,470
I can still take you there.
88
00:03:34,494 --> 00:03:36,481
‐ You're a liar.
‐ I never lied to you.
89
00:03:36,505 --> 00:03:38,771
I never will.
90
00:03:38,795 --> 00:03:40,900
There's a place where
the nut‐faced Josh and I
91
00:03:40,924 --> 00:03:43,572
spent a great deal of time.
92
00:03:43,596 --> 00:03:45,158
A refuge off‐the‐grid,
93
00:03:45,182 --> 00:03:47,538
beyond the reach
of the Time Constables.
94
00:03:47,562 --> 00:03:49,208
It's a place where you told me
95
00:03:49,232 --> 00:03:53,257
you felt most at home
in the world,
96
00:03:53,281 --> 00:03:54,928
where you felt safe.
97
00:03:54,952 --> 00:03:59,521
No running, no hiding.
98
00:03:59,545 --> 00:04:02,085
That's the home
I was talking about.
99
00:04:05,724 --> 00:04:07,444
‐ Keep talking.
100
00:04:09,648 --> 00:04:13,716
‐ It's called Haven.
101
00:04:20,252 --> 00:04:22,483
‐ Any idea how much wampum
102
00:04:22,507 --> 00:04:24,904
that shoddy pelt
presentation cost us?
103
00:04:24,928 --> 00:04:28,455
Just at casual glance, I see
burrs, blood from its entrails.
104
00:04:28,479 --> 00:04:31,543
I mean, would it have killed
you to zhoozh up its fur a bit?
105
00:04:31,567 --> 00:04:34,214
‐ Mmm, false outrage.
Classic tell.
106
00:04:34,238 --> 00:04:37,429
You're just upset I interrupted
your little world summit.
107
00:04:37,453 --> 00:04:38,891
‐ Summit?
108
00:04:38,915 --> 00:04:40,811
More like
a child's birthday party.
109
00:04:40,835 --> 00:04:42,272
‐ Right, right, right.
110
00:04:42,296 --> 00:04:44,796
Well, you printed it
in 40 languages.
111
00:04:46,012 --> 00:04:48,482
‐ We never got that front right.
112
00:04:50,437 --> 00:04:52,668
Wait.
113
00:04:52,692 --> 00:04:54,379
You hear that?
114
00:04:54,403 --> 00:04:56,551
‐ Yeah.
115
00:04:56,575 --> 00:04:59,306
Nothing.
116
00:05:09,016 --> 00:05:12,976
‐
117
00:05:34,568 --> 00:05:35,963
‐ Time Cops did this.
118
00:05:35,987 --> 00:05:37,800
‐ We don't know that.
119
00:05:40,997 --> 00:05:42,667
‐ We do now.
120
00:05:43,669 --> 00:05:45,482
‐ Shit!
Run!
121
00:06:08,803 --> 00:06:12,495
‐ Fine, fine, I admit it.
122
00:06:12,519 --> 00:06:14,958
I chaired an international
trade conference.
123
00:06:14,982 --> 00:06:18,507
Watching helpless people
suffer in their tiny lives
124
00:06:18,531 --> 00:06:22,430
when the answers are
so obvious is excruciating.
125
00:06:22,454 --> 00:06:24,686
So yeah, yeah, I'm guilty.
126
00:06:24,710 --> 00:06:26,776
Guilty of feeling
a moral obligation
127
00:06:26,800 --> 00:06:28,568
to help the people around me.
128
00:06:28,592 --> 00:06:31,579
‐ What was the typeface
you wanted for that pamphlet?
129
00:06:31,603 --> 00:06:35,373
‐ Copperplate Gothic.
It's classic, timeless.
130
00:06:35,397 --> 00:06:37,437
‐ Name one person at the summit.
131
00:06:39,740 --> 00:06:42,930
‐ I wanna say, uh...
132
00:06:42,954 --> 00:06:45,393
Chief, uh...
133
00:06:45,417 --> 00:06:46,771
something‐something.
134
00:06:46,795 --> 00:06:47,982
‐ Okay.
135
00:06:48,006 --> 00:06:51,046
Futturman!
It's go time!
136
00:06:52,431 --> 00:06:55,401
Fuck.
137
00:06:58,903 --> 00:07:01,926
Pus residue. Half‐crust.
138
00:07:01,950 --> 00:07:04,891
Maybe twelve hours old.
139
00:07:04,915 --> 00:07:07,605
No, no, it's ten,
and he left in a hurry.
140
00:07:07,629 --> 00:07:09,399
‐ With the TTD.
141
00:07:09,423 --> 00:07:12,158
‐ Son of a...
okay, why would he do that?
142
00:07:12,182 --> 00:07:13,535
‐ Probably to get attention.
143
00:07:13,559 --> 00:07:15,286
I don't wanna point fingers,
144
00:07:15,310 --> 00:07:17,480
but you haven't
been around much.
145
00:07:18,651 --> 00:07:21,467
‐ Oh, so you abandoned him,
just left him for dead?
146
00:07:21,491 --> 00:07:23,929
‐ He's so annoying.
‐ You don't have to tell me.
147
00:07:23,953 --> 00:07:27,083
Why do you think I'm out there
covered in bear shit every day?
148
00:07:30,967 --> 00:07:34,032
They breached the maple grove.
Let's move.
149
00:07:34,056 --> 00:07:35,577
‐ Lose 'em in the riverbed?
150
00:07:35,601 --> 00:07:36,957
‐ No, no,
there's no losing them.
151
00:07:36,981 --> 00:07:38,249
They're in my woods now.
152
00:07:38,273 --> 00:07:41,171
Let's hunt.
153
00:07:41,195 --> 00:07:45,304
‐ You might catch a hint
of lavender.
154
00:07:45,328 --> 00:07:49,038
My own mix, hand‐foraged.
155
00:07:56,267 --> 00:07:59,834
‐ It might be better with‐‐
‐ A little honey?
156
00:07:59,858 --> 00:08:02,297
I told you, I know you.
157
00:08:02,321 --> 00:08:07,161
And now, at last, we can leave
this foul time behind together.
158
00:08:09,544 --> 00:08:13,319
It's just a matter of entering
these coordinates
159
00:08:13,343 --> 00:08:15,893
into your neural tesseract.
160
00:08:17,392 --> 00:08:19,999
If I could just...
‐ No, no, no, no.
161
00:08:20,023 --> 00:08:22,089
I think I'll be holding
onto the TTD,
162
00:08:22,113 --> 00:08:23,660
Time Traveling bin Laden.
163
00:08:24,991 --> 00:08:28,349
‐ Okay, just trying to help.
Teamwork.
164
00:08:28,373 --> 00:08:30,673
‐ It's all right.
I got this.
165
00:08:50,876 --> 00:08:52,438
They're in.
166
00:08:52,462 --> 00:08:54,906
‐ So now press the button
and take us to Haven.
167
00:08:54,930 --> 00:08:56,533
‐ Okay, you know what?
Slow your roll.
168
00:08:56,557 --> 00:08:58,910
All right, if we do this,
and I'm only saying if,
169
00:08:58,934 --> 00:09:00,541
you and me,
we are back to square one.
170
00:09:00,565 --> 00:09:01,916
You understand?
171
00:09:01,940 --> 00:09:04,714
We are not BFFs,
we are barely even Fs.
172
00:09:04,738 --> 00:09:06,759
‐ I'm‐‐I'm fine taking it slow.
173
00:09:06,783 --> 00:09:08,680
See where it goes.
174
00:09:08,704 --> 00:09:11,821
You make the first move, just
know the answer is always yes.
175
00:09:11,845 --> 00:09:15,694
‐ And where we're going is
a real utopia,
176
00:09:15,718 --> 00:09:18,407
off‐the‐grid of space and time
177
00:09:18,431 --> 00:09:19,997
where the weather's
always perfect,
178
00:09:20,021 --> 00:09:21,585
and you want for nothing?
179
00:09:21,609 --> 00:09:23,710
‐ Don't forget the women, Josh.
180
00:09:23,734 --> 00:09:26,591
Or‐‐or men.
Your choice.
181
00:09:26,615 --> 00:09:28,637
Bet you didn't expect
Osama bin Laden
182
00:09:28,661 --> 00:09:29,911
to be cool with that, huh?
183
00:09:31,750 --> 00:09:33,020
‐ Yeah.
184
00:09:33,044 --> 00:09:35,514
You are full of surprises, OBL.
185
00:09:39,974 --> 00:09:41,104
‐
186
00:09:44,901 --> 00:09:46,798
Well, well, well.
187
00:09:46,822 --> 00:09:48,872
Isn't this cozy?
188
00:09:55,422 --> 00:09:57,318
‐ You know, I just got these
woods set up perfectly,
189
00:09:57,342 --> 00:09:58,869
my own personal forest
of stabby‐trees,
190
00:09:58,893 --> 00:10:01,034
and now we gotta leave
because of you
191
00:10:01,058 --> 00:10:02,996
and your out‐of‐control ego.
192
00:10:04,607 --> 00:10:06,253
You know, time travel's
really changed you.
193
00:10:06,277 --> 00:10:08,090
‐ Me?
Look at you.
194
00:10:08,114 --> 00:10:11,311
Salivating over your next kill
like a dingo at a daycare.
195
00:10:16,464 --> 00:10:18,554
‐ Yeah!
196
00:10:23,520 --> 00:10:26,087
Well, I guess if a tree falls
in the forest,
197
00:10:26,111 --> 00:10:29,090
it does make a sound.
198
00:10:29,114 --> 00:10:32,388
Splat!
199
00:10:32,412 --> 00:10:34,122
Oh, great.
200
00:10:39,176 --> 00:10:41,114
‐
201
00:10:41,138 --> 00:10:44,348
‐ Don't you just love the sound
of spike impaling body?
202
00:10:45,940 --> 00:10:47,480
Hmm.
203
00:10:49,572 --> 00:10:52,178
Oh, that's what I call
sticking the landing.
204
00:10:52,202 --> 00:10:54,892
You know what I mean?
205
00:10:54,916 --> 00:10:56,813
‐ I barely recognize you.
206
00:10:56,837 --> 00:10:59,735
You used to be, well, not nice,
207
00:10:59,759 --> 00:11:01,697
but you had interesting facets.
208
00:11:01,721 --> 00:11:03,450
‐ I still have facets.
‐ Murder doesn't count.
209
00:11:03,474 --> 00:11:04,667
‐ Well, I like trapping‐‐
210
00:11:04,691 --> 00:11:06,083
‐ Trapping and hunting are just
211
00:11:06,107 --> 00:11:08,105
more palatable words for murder.
212
00:11:14,873 --> 00:11:17,186
‐ Hey, fuck‐nose.
213
00:11:19,883 --> 00:11:22,405
‐ You had purpose,
you had drive.
214
00:11:22,429 --> 00:11:24,869
You were an avenging angel
fighting for a cause.
215
00:11:24,893 --> 00:11:27,206
‐ Yeah?
And what good did that do?
216
00:11:27,230 --> 00:11:28,960
Get a bunch of people killed?
217
00:11:28,984 --> 00:11:30,931
Soldiers under my command,
check.
218
00:11:30,955 --> 00:11:32,593
Untold billions, check.
219
00:11:32,617 --> 00:11:34,345
I tried, I failed.
220
00:11:34,369 --> 00:11:36,016
‐ So what?
221
00:11:36,040 --> 00:11:38,460
Now you're just a junkie
looking for their next fix?
222
00:11:47,228 --> 00:11:49,919
‐ I made it rain blood.
223
00:11:49,943 --> 00:11:51,254
Ohh.
224
00:11:58,752 --> 00:12:01,066
Okay, are you ready
to divide and conquer?
225
00:12:01,090 --> 00:12:02,778
I'll take those three down
to the River Styx.
226
00:12:02,802 --> 00:12:04,827
Those are my sharpest sticks,
by the river.
227
00:12:04,851 --> 00:12:06,704
‐ Fine, fine.
I'll kill the big guy.
228
00:12:06,728 --> 00:12:08,455
‐ Okay.
Hey, hey, hey!
229
00:12:08,479 --> 00:12:10,167
Meet back here
when everyone's dead.
230
00:12:10,191 --> 00:12:11,571
All right, go, go, go!
231
00:12:19,669 --> 00:12:21,776
‐ Your stride says all business,
232
00:12:21,800 --> 00:12:23,905
but that skirt says
you like to party.
233
00:12:23,929 --> 00:12:28,597
Nevertheless, I'm gonna
take you down, Gigantor.
234
00:12:33,279 --> 00:12:34,967
Oops.
235
00:12:34,991 --> 00:12:36,554
That's step one.
236
00:12:42,172 --> 00:12:43,651
That's step two.
237
00:12:47,558 --> 00:12:50,540
Oh, emotionless cyborg.
238
00:12:50,564 --> 00:12:52,460
No matter.
239
00:12:52,484 --> 00:12:54,590
You are not gonna like
step three, my friend.
240
00:13:07,305 --> 00:13:10,015
What the fuck?
241
00:13:21,458 --> 00:13:24,065
Okay.
242
00:13:24,089 --> 00:13:26,194
Gut punch!
243
00:13:26,218 --> 00:13:29,200
Ow.
244
00:13:29,224 --> 00:13:31,604
I said gut punch!
245
00:13:34,192 --> 00:13:35,652
Gut punch?
246
00:13:37,407 --> 00:13:40,747
Oh, no!
247
00:13:41,833 --> 00:13:43,843
Tree slam.
248
00:13:55,986 --> 00:13:57,799
‐ She's in the trees!
249
00:13:57,823 --> 00:13:59,928
Run!
‐ Where is she?
250
00:13:59,952 --> 00:14:01,809
‐ I can't see her!
‐ She blinded me!
251
00:14:01,833 --> 00:14:04,358
‐ My God, she's everywhere!
252
00:14:04,382 --> 00:14:06,357
‐ My insides are out!
253
00:14:06,381 --> 00:14:08,368
‐ Is she even human?
254
00:14:23,040 --> 00:14:25,145
‐ Susan.
All right.
255
00:14:25,169 --> 00:14:27,736
‐ The second I saw you mumbling
to yourself in that goo,
256
00:14:27,760 --> 00:14:31,324
I knew you must be getting help
from the one dickhead
257
00:14:31,348 --> 00:14:34,539
who escaped
The DieCathlon before.
258
00:14:34,563 --> 00:14:38,421
Time traveling Osama bin Laden.
259
00:14:38,445 --> 00:14:40,050
‐ Guilty as charged.
260
00:14:40,074 --> 00:14:42,061
‐ I am not going back
to that elevator.
261
00:14:42,085 --> 00:14:44,726
‐ I'm not here
to take you back there.
262
00:14:44,750 --> 00:14:47,235
I'm here because
we can help each other.
263
00:14:47,259 --> 00:14:49,861
‐ There is nothing that
you could possibly offer me
264
00:14:49,885 --> 00:14:52,408
that I could
possibly be interest‐‐
265
00:14:52,432 --> 00:14:55,205
medi‐goo!
You brought me medi‐goo!
266
00:14:55,229 --> 00:14:56,667
Oh, oh, God!
267
00:14:56,691 --> 00:14:58,336
Oh, God.
268
00:14:58,360 --> 00:15:00,215
Get in there.
269
00:15:00,239 --> 00:15:02,929
Oh!
Oh, oh!
270
00:15:02,953 --> 00:15:04,440
‐ You like that goo?
It's good, huh?
271
00:15:04,464 --> 00:15:06,536
‐
272
00:15:10,761 --> 00:15:12,801
I haven't brushed my teeth
in like six months, okay?
273
00:15:14,434 --> 00:15:16,164
‐ Drop the mug, Osama.
274
00:15:16,188 --> 00:15:18,126
Drop it!
275
00:15:18,150 --> 00:15:20,965
‐ Don't trust him, Josh.
He lied to you.
276
00:15:20,989 --> 00:15:23,369
Remember, I never lied to you.
277
00:15:24,162 --> 00:15:26,685
‐ That's true.
278
00:15:26,709 --> 00:15:29,299
You tricked me so many times.
Why would I trust you now?
279
00:15:30,759 --> 00:15:32,969
‐ Because...
280
00:15:34,517 --> 00:15:36,830
I'm risking everything
to be here.
281
00:15:36,854 --> 00:15:39,460
If the dickwads at the network
knew I was here,
282
00:15:39,484 --> 00:15:42,431
I'd be deader than the version
of him that perpetrated 9/11,
283
00:15:42,455 --> 00:15:46,182
and then was killed
ten years later.
284
00:15:46,206 --> 00:15:47,602
That's a long time.
285
00:15:47,626 --> 00:15:49,940
‐ Again, it's not me.
Different guy.
286
00:15:49,964 --> 00:15:51,780
He sounds like
a real piece of shit.
287
00:15:51,804 --> 00:15:54,498
‐ Okay, okay.
So‐so what do you want from me?
288
00:15:54,522 --> 00:15:55,952
‐
289
00:15:55,976 --> 00:15:58,248
Same thing he does.
Haven.
290
00:16:00,151 --> 00:16:03,581
And you're gonna help me
destroy it.
291
00:16:04,618 --> 00:16:08,143
‐
292
00:16:12,801 --> 00:16:16,117
- Yeah, okay.
293
00:16:16,141 --> 00:16:17,704
‐ Oh, shit.
294
00:16:17,728 --> 00:16:20,751
I see you for jammed up
with step two there.
295
00:16:20,775 --> 00:16:22,985
Is that ice cream?
296
00:16:23,740 --> 00:16:26,429
Ugh, pistachio.
The worst.
297
00:16:26,453 --> 00:16:28,266
‐ He's a machine.
298
00:16:28,290 --> 00:16:30,730
And not the way I call
Stallone a machine.
299
00:16:30,754 --> 00:16:32,817
An actual machine.
300
00:16:32,841 --> 00:16:35,071
‐ All right, come here.
Come on.
301
00:16:35,095 --> 00:16:38,829
‐
302
00:16:38,853 --> 00:16:40,750
‐ Okay.
303
00:16:40,774 --> 00:16:43,129
Shit, is that
an orbital fracture?
304
00:16:43,153 --> 00:16:45,258
God, I gotta meet this guy.
305
00:16:45,282 --> 00:16:48,502
‐ Hey, you were right.
306
00:16:49,625 --> 00:16:52,147
I don't care
about helping people.
307
00:16:52,171 --> 00:16:54,903
I just wanna see my name
in lights.
308
00:16:54,927 --> 00:16:57,324
Thought it'd be neat
to have my own flag.
309
00:16:57,348 --> 00:16:58,827
Here's a mockup.
‐ Oh, okay.
310
00:16:58,851 --> 00:17:00,351
Right here.
311
00:17:01,439 --> 00:17:03,086
Oh, yeah.
312
00:17:03,110 --> 00:17:05,677
I like the use
of our resistance colors.
313
00:17:05,701 --> 00:17:08,579
‐ Yeah, never forget my roots.
‐ Hmm.
314
00:17:13,589 --> 00:17:16,112
‐ You were right too.
315
00:17:16,136 --> 00:17:18,074
I'm a natural born killer.
316
00:17:18,098 --> 00:17:19,665
It's just it's what
I'm great at.
317
00:17:19,689 --> 00:17:22,332
It's what I love to do.
318
00:17:22,356 --> 00:17:27,009
I think it might be
the purest expression of, uh...
319
00:17:27,033 --> 00:17:29,096
Me.
320
00:17:31,291 --> 00:17:33,131
‐ What have we become?
321
00:17:36,259 --> 00:17:38,036
‐ The best versions
of ourselves?
322
00:17:38,060 --> 00:17:39,534
‐ Totally.
323
00:17:39,558 --> 00:17:41,454
The pressure of all our time
travel escapades
324
00:17:41,478 --> 00:17:43,335
has turned two lumps
of sewer coal
325
00:17:43,359 --> 00:17:46,380
into a couple big‐ass
princess cut diamonds.
326
00:17:46,404 --> 00:17:49,414
‐ So why we beefing?
327
00:17:52,668 --> 00:17:54,355
Josh.
328
00:17:54,379 --> 00:17:56,359
‐ I mean, day one,
we knew we had the wrong guy.
329
00:17:56,383 --> 00:17:58,489
‐ How much training
does one guy need?
330
00:17:58,513 --> 00:18:00,997
Just handle yourself
in a fight already.
331
00:18:01,021 --> 00:18:03,357
‐ I think he genuinely doesn't
like hurting people.
332
00:18:04,357 --> 00:18:06,295
‐ I can't work with that.
‐ I know, I know.
333
00:18:06,319 --> 00:18:07,926
In Josh's case,
three's not a crowd,
334
00:18:07,950 --> 00:18:09,385
it's a cancer.
335
00:18:09,409 --> 00:18:11,472
‐ Mm‐hmm.
So we agree.
336
00:18:11,496 --> 00:18:14,562
We find him, give him
one last courtesy jump.
337
00:18:14,586 --> 00:18:16,107
‐ Yeah, but only one.
‐ Of course, of course.
338
00:18:16,131 --> 00:18:17,819
And then we ditch him somewhere.
339
00:18:17,843 --> 00:18:19,240
‐ There's a backdoor at Cedars
340
00:18:19,264 --> 00:18:21,660
with a "no questions asked"
policy.
341
00:18:21,684 --> 00:18:24,711
My friendship with
Charlie Sheen pays off again.
342
00:18:24,735 --> 00:18:27,714
‐ And then we go and, uh...
343
00:18:27,738 --> 00:18:29,592
live our best lives.
344
00:18:29,616 --> 00:18:31,513
‐ That's a great plan.
345
00:18:31,537 --> 00:18:33,559
It's gonna kill Josh.
‐ Well, you know what?
346
00:18:33,583 --> 00:18:35,776
At some point, baby bird's
gotta leave the nest.
347
00:18:35,800 --> 00:18:38,151
‐ And no matter how much
resistance he puts up,
348
00:18:38,175 --> 00:18:39,738
we have to stay strong.
349
00:18:39,762 --> 00:18:41,908
‐ Yup.
‐
350
00:18:41,932 --> 00:18:43,495
Let's move.
351
00:18:43,519 --> 00:18:44,998
That thing's coming back
any minute,
352
00:18:45,022 --> 00:18:47,379
and we don't wanna
be here when he does.
353
00:18:47,403 --> 00:18:48,964
Look, Josh,
354
00:18:48,988 --> 00:18:51,636
you're not stupid.
355
00:18:51,660 --> 00:18:53,477
I'm always telling people that.
356
00:18:53,501 --> 00:18:56,730
I always say,
"His actions might be stupid,
357
00:18:56,754 --> 00:18:58,859
but his heart is smart."
358
00:18:58,883 --> 00:19:01,490
So here's what I ask you.
359
00:19:01,514 --> 00:19:05,664
Did you ever think that maybe
for like a millisecond
360
00:19:05,688 --> 00:19:09,964
that you were being misled
or manipulated
361
00:19:09,988 --> 00:19:12,469
by Osama bin Laden?
362
00:19:12,493 --> 00:19:15,559
‐ I mean,
to be completely honest,
363
00:19:15,583 --> 00:19:17,270
up until about 20 minutes ago,
364
00:19:17,294 --> 00:19:19,974
I thought I was talking
with God the whole time.
365
00:19:21,344 --> 00:19:23,241
‐ Uh...
366
00:19:23,265 --> 00:19:25,286
I don't know where
he got that idea.
367
00:19:25,310 --> 00:19:26,917
‐ I may have, like,
projected a bit of that,
368
00:19:26,941 --> 00:19:28,502
but I didn't know.
369
00:19:28,526 --> 00:19:31,006
‐ Anyway, now that you know
he's not God,
370
00:19:31,030 --> 00:19:35,265
and is, in fact,
Osama bin Laden,
371
00:19:35,289 --> 00:19:37,520
does that reframe any of this?
372
00:19:37,544 --> 00:19:39,071
Make you have a few questions
373
00:19:39,095 --> 00:19:41,695
maybe that you didn't
have before?
374
00:19:41,719 --> 00:19:44,157
- ‐ Yeah.
- Yeah.
375
00:19:44,181 --> 00:19:46,538
‐ How the fuck were
you talking to me?
376
00:19:46,562 --> 00:19:48,876
‐ How is not important.
377
00:19:48,900 --> 00:19:51,007
Why is really...
‐ No, no, no, no, no.
378
00:19:51,031 --> 00:19:53,239
I think that I really
wanna focus on the how.
379
00:19:57,041 --> 00:19:58,438
‐ He blasted the door!
380
00:19:58,462 --> 00:20:00,148
‐ No, no.
‐ Oh, you do did!
381
00:20:00,172 --> 00:20:01,818
‐ No, I was just‐‐ ‐ He so did.
382
00:20:01,842 --> 00:20:04,039
‐ Joshua, my friend.
‐ I'm going in there.
383
00:20:04,063 --> 00:20:06,135
I'm going in that room.
384
00:20:08,940 --> 00:20:11,086
The fuck?
385
00:20:14,241 --> 00:20:16,180
Is that an ear?
386
00:20:18,876 --> 00:20:21,148
‐ It looks worse than it is.
387
00:20:21,172 --> 00:20:23,369
‐ Did you cut off
some random person's ear
388
00:20:23,393 --> 00:20:26,725
to put a voice in my head
across time and space?
389
00:20:27,602 --> 00:20:29,832
‐ Okay.
390
00:20:29,856 --> 00:20:32,295
It looks better than it is.
391
00:20:41,547 --> 00:20:44,194
‐ Is that my ear?
392
00:20:47,433 --> 00:20:50,127
‐ Oh, this is where
being able to lie to you
393
00:20:50,151 --> 00:20:51,793
would come in real handy.
394
00:21:12,901 --> 00:21:15,339
‐ Look, all gone.
Problem solved.
395
00:21:15,363 --> 00:21:17,218
Trust restored.
396
00:21:17,242 --> 00:21:19,809
‐ No, you cut off
your best friend's ear.
397
00:21:19,833 --> 00:21:21,631
‐ Oh, so it's okay
when you say it.
398
00:21:23,213 --> 00:21:25,238
‐ How did you even do all this?
399
00:21:25,262 --> 00:21:27,490
‐ It's a DNA‐based,
cross‐temporal
400
00:21:27,514 --> 00:21:29,702
aural transmitter.
401
00:21:29,726 --> 00:21:32,082
You travel through time,
you pick a few things up.
402
00:21:32,106 --> 00:21:34,236
I also use lichen to make
my own deodorant.
403
00:21:35,362 --> 00:21:37,425
‐ Why did you do this?
404
00:21:37,449 --> 00:21:39,221
‐ Me and you?
405
00:21:39,245 --> 00:21:40,766
We went on many excellent
406
00:21:40,790 --> 00:21:42,397
time traveling adventures
together.
407
00:21:42,421 --> 00:21:45,274
Searching for Hav‐‐
408
00:21:45,298 --> 00:21:48,280
searching for Haven.
409
00:21:48,304 --> 00:21:50,661
Then I got caught.
410
00:21:50,685 --> 00:21:52,915
After I escaped The DieCathlon,
411
00:21:52,939 --> 00:21:57,633
I discovered the location
and left you a map to paradise.
412
00:21:57,657 --> 00:22:00,054
It was perfect.
413
00:22:00,078 --> 00:22:03,562
All that was missing was you.
414
00:22:03,586 --> 00:22:05,166
And then you arrived!
415
00:22:07,050 --> 00:22:10,241
But you weren't alone.
416
00:22:10,265 --> 00:22:13,289
You brought others with you.
417
00:22:13,313 --> 00:22:16,403
They‐they weren't like
the rest of us.
418
00:22:18,198 --> 00:22:20,136
They didn't share our values.
419
00:22:20,160 --> 00:22:23,184
Maybe they didn't have
any values at all.
420
00:22:23,208 --> 00:22:25,814
You let infidels
invade our holy land!
421
00:22:25,838 --> 00:22:27,468
‐ There he is.
There he is.
422
00:22:29,136 --> 00:22:32,327
I tried to make you understand,
but you refused to listen.
423
00:22:32,351 --> 00:22:34,378
So naturally,
I sliced off your ear.
424
00:22:34,402 --> 00:22:35,626
‐ Naturally?
425
00:22:35,650 --> 00:22:37,530
‐ I said,
"Now I have your ear!"
426
00:22:40,450 --> 00:22:42,681
He didn't laugh either.
427
00:22:42,705 --> 00:22:45,144
He lunged for my jugular,
I lunged for his.
428
00:22:45,168 --> 00:22:47,566
We fell down in a heap,
rolled down a hill.
429
00:22:47,590 --> 00:22:49,197
By the time we got
to the bottom,
430
00:22:49,221 --> 00:22:52,325
he was dead, strangled.
431
00:22:52,349 --> 00:22:54,416
My best friend died in my arms.
432
00:22:54,440 --> 00:22:57,986
‐ Because they were around
his neck.
433
00:22:59,990 --> 00:23:01,803
‐ The others exiled me,
434
00:23:01,827 --> 00:23:04,099
tossed me through
the big time door,
435
00:23:04,123 --> 00:23:06,189
thrust randomly through
space and time
436
00:23:06,213 --> 00:23:08,317
with no control of where
or when I landed.
437
00:23:08,341 --> 00:23:12,323
That put me here with nothing
but your ear and a dream,
438
00:23:12,347 --> 00:23:15,727
to one day get back to Haven.
439
00:23:19,069 --> 00:23:20,779
So what do you say, Josh?
440
00:23:23,119 --> 00:23:26,894
You and me, together.
441
00:23:26,918 --> 00:23:28,758
A do‐over.
442
00:23:30,926 --> 00:23:35,186
‐ No.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
443
00:23:37,064 --> 00:23:38,585
You know what?
444
00:23:38,609 --> 00:23:42,199
You fool me once, shame on‐‐
shame on you!
445
00:23:44,370 --> 00:23:46,517
You‐‐you fool me‐‐
you can't get fooled again!
446
00:23:46,541 --> 00:23:48,605
Get out!
Go, go!
447
00:23:48,629 --> 00:23:50,399
‐ Uh, Josh. This isn't you.
‐ Go, go!
448
00:23:50,423 --> 00:23:52,263
‐ Oh shit, here we go!
449
00:23:54,724 --> 00:23:56,854
‐
450
00:23:58,982 --> 00:24:01,179
‐ You would never shoot me.
I'm your friend.
451
00:24:01,203 --> 00:24:02,633
‐ Oh, really?
452
00:24:02,657 --> 00:24:06,056
Bin Laden, more like been lying!
453
00:24:07,457 --> 00:24:09,247
‐ Oh!
454
00:24:12,092 --> 00:24:14,824
‐ First of all, great burn.
Been lying.
455
00:24:14,848 --> 00:24:18,540
‐ Second of all, yes, finally!
Fuck you, bin Laden!
456
00:24:18,564 --> 00:24:20,301
That was crazy.
What a shot.
457
00:24:35,514 --> 00:24:39,414
‐ Oh, tried to fire off
a warning shot?
458
00:24:39,438 --> 00:24:41,586
‐ I‐‐I was aiming in the corner.
459
00:24:41,610 --> 00:24:43,338
‐ Right, right, right.
Yeah.
460
00:24:43,362 --> 00:24:45,402
Hit the axe, picked up speed
when it hit the kettle.
461
00:24:46,953 --> 00:24:48,850
‐ Well, I'll be.
462
00:24:48,874 --> 00:24:52,278
When folks hear you're the man
who took out Wild Sam Bladden,
463
00:24:52,302 --> 00:24:54,570
you'll never have to pay
for a drink again.
464
00:24:55,971 --> 00:24:58,160
‐ Whole gang's here, I see.
465
00:24:58,184 --> 00:24:59,961
‐ Oh, guess your little summit
466
00:24:59,985 --> 00:25:02,293
brought all
the big boys to town.
467
00:25:02,317 --> 00:25:04,464
‐ Summit?
No.
468
00:25:04,488 --> 00:25:06,868
You were found out through this.
469
00:25:11,878 --> 00:25:14,317
‐ "The inspirational tall tale
470
00:25:14,341 --> 00:25:16,948
of the bearded‐lady
who traps like a man."
471
00:25:16,972 --> 00:25:19,312
‐ It's a proto‐feminist classic.
472
00:25:23,150 --> 00:25:25,926
‐ Okay, so I'm keeping this.
This is great.
473
00:25:25,950 --> 00:25:28,555
Wolf, go ahead and kill him
before we gets more Time Cops.
474
00:25:28,579 --> 00:25:30,436
‐ I'm not with the Time Cops.
475
00:25:30,460 --> 00:25:32,521
I'm here for another reason‐‐
476
00:25:32,545 --> 00:25:34,232
to grant you your freedom.
477
00:25:34,256 --> 00:25:36,361
I'm talking full amnesty.
478
00:25:36,385 --> 00:25:38,448
‐ Don't need it.
We're already free.
479
00:25:38,472 --> 00:25:40,038
‐ You guys can't keep
this up forever.
480
00:25:40,062 --> 00:25:42,899
You already encountered
The Killing Machine.
481
00:25:46,196 --> 00:25:47,826
It's goo.
‐ Oh.
482
00:25:53,294 --> 00:25:54,439
‐ Yeah.
483
00:25:54,463 --> 00:25:55,900
‐ Oh!
484
00:25:55,924 --> 00:25:57,153
‐ Mm‐hmm.
485
00:25:57,177 --> 00:25:58,656
‐ Oh, that's good goo.
486
00:25:58,680 --> 00:26:00,159
‐ Sure as hell is.
487
00:26:00,183 --> 00:26:02,590
And by the way, FYI,
The Killing Machine?
488
00:26:02,614 --> 00:26:04,375
He can't be stopped,
489
00:26:04,399 --> 00:26:06,714
but you deliver me Haven,
490
00:26:06,738 --> 00:26:09,055
I'll deliver you
to the timeline of your choice,
491
00:26:09,079 --> 00:26:10,906
records wiped clean.
492
00:26:12,165 --> 00:26:15,649
‐ So we're supposed to just
hand over paradise to you.
493
00:26:15,673 --> 00:26:19,155
‐ Paradise?
Oh, I get it.
494
00:26:19,179 --> 00:26:22,036
Osama bin Laden
promised you paradise.
495
00:26:22,060 --> 00:26:23,455
Pretty on‐brand.
496
00:26:23,479 --> 00:26:25,669
It's kind of his whole shtick,
dude!
497
00:26:25,693 --> 00:26:27,380
Holy shit.
498
00:26:27,404 --> 00:26:31,054
No, Haven is not paradise.
Haven's an awful place.
499
00:26:31,078 --> 00:26:32,894
It's a hideout
for the worst criminals
500
00:26:32,918 --> 00:26:34,227
time has ever known.
501
00:26:34,251 --> 00:26:36,567
That's how you three
can gain access.
502
00:26:36,591 --> 00:26:40,030
The Network will give us
anything if we bring them in.
503
00:26:40,054 --> 00:26:42,703
‐ All right,
why should we trust you?
504
00:26:42,727 --> 00:26:44,584
‐ 'Cause I'm risking
everything too.
505
00:26:44,608 --> 00:26:46,544
No one knows I'm here.
506
00:26:46,568 --> 00:26:50,927
This isn't about a TV show
or ratings.
507
00:26:50,951 --> 00:26:53,211
This is about protecting
my family.
508
00:26:54,082 --> 00:26:57,722
Something maybe
you can relate to.
509
00:27:02,808 --> 00:27:04,747
Haven does not exist
in time or space.
510
00:27:04,771 --> 00:27:06,332
Believe me,
511
00:27:06,356 --> 00:27:08,755
we spent a shitload
of time looking for it.
512
00:27:08,779 --> 00:27:11,009
The only way to put it on
a map is from inside,
513
00:27:11,033 --> 00:27:14,600
and that's exactly what these
geolocation devices will do.
514
00:27:14,624 --> 00:27:16,714
Take them.
515
00:27:21,345 --> 00:27:22,949
‐ Okay.
516
00:27:22,973 --> 00:27:26,403
So if we do this,
and I'm only saying if...
517
00:27:28,527 --> 00:27:30,965
Can you do a full
memory wipe thing on me?
518
00:27:30,989 --> 00:27:32,719
So I can forget everything
that's happened to me
519
00:27:32,743 --> 00:27:34,263
since I left home?
520
00:27:34,287 --> 00:27:35,808
I'm talking
Eternal Sunshine here.
521
00:27:35,832 --> 00:27:38,648
‐ Yeah, Spotless Mind.
We can do that.
522
00:27:38,672 --> 00:27:41,361
All you have to do
is get to Haven,
523
00:27:41,385 --> 00:27:43,281
activate those devices.
524
00:27:43,305 --> 00:27:45,160
That will send me a beacon,
525
00:27:45,184 --> 00:27:47,122
I'll show up and do the rest.
526
00:27:47,146 --> 00:27:49,168
All right, I have to go.
527
00:27:49,192 --> 00:27:51,679
My daughter is performing
opposite of Robo‐Pavarotti
528
00:27:51,703 --> 00:27:53,511
in Rigoletto.
529
00:27:53,535 --> 00:27:55,325
Good luck.
530
00:28:02,468 --> 00:28:05,660
‐ You just wanna erase us
from your entire life?
531
00:28:05,684 --> 00:28:07,041
‐ No, that's not
what he's saying.
532
00:28:07,065 --> 00:28:08,499
That's not what you're saying.
533
00:28:08,523 --> 00:28:10,047
‐ That's exactly what
I'm saying.
534
00:28:10,071 --> 00:28:12,133
‐
‐ I wanna go back to the moment
535
00:28:12,157 --> 00:28:14,343
before I met you two
and‐‐and completely forget
536
00:28:14,367 --> 00:28:16,347
that any of this ever happened.
537
00:28:16,371 --> 00:28:18,565
‐ Wait, wait,
so you're breaking up with us?
538
00:28:18,589 --> 00:28:21,483
‐ I'm gonna‐‐I'm gonna make
a note on my hand that says,
539
00:28:21,507 --> 00:28:23,573
"Josh, do not beat Bionic Wars.
540
00:28:23,597 --> 00:28:25,073
It will ruin your life."
541
00:28:25,097 --> 00:28:27,413
‐ We didn't ruin your life.
We love you.
542
00:28:27,437 --> 00:28:28,956
‐ We don't ever wanna be apart.
543
00:28:28,980 --> 00:28:30,208
‐ What?
544
00:28:30,232 --> 00:28:31,879
What are you guys talking about?
545
00:28:31,903 --> 00:28:34,556
This is not working.
We are not getting along.
546
00:28:34,580 --> 00:28:36,597
‐ Since when?
Oh, I'm reeling.
547
00:28:36,621 --> 00:28:37,768
‐ This is coming out of nowhere.
548
00:28:37,792 --> 00:28:39,897
I thought we were happy.
‐ Happy?
549
00:28:39,921 --> 00:28:43,151
You‐‐you guys treat me
like shit all the time.
550
00:28:43,175 --> 00:28:45,990
This morning,
I tried killing myself.
551
00:28:46,014 --> 00:28:47,961
And that was actually
before I found out that God
552
00:28:47,985 --> 00:28:49,831
was Osama bin Laden.
553
00:28:49,855 --> 00:28:51,543
‐ Okay, I don't know what
you want from us, Josh.
554
00:28:51,567 --> 00:28:53,171
We come from the sewer.
555
00:28:53,195 --> 00:28:54,800
We love you the way we know how.
556
00:28:54,824 --> 00:28:56,430
‐ By protecting you.
‐ Killing for you.
557
00:28:56,454 --> 00:28:58,648
‐ And yes,
occasionally lightly ribbing.
558
00:28:58,672 --> 00:29:01,480
‐ Always with love.
‐ So much love.
559
00:29:01,504 --> 00:29:03,911
‐ Well,
I reject your terrible love.
560
00:29:03,935 --> 00:29:06,280
‐ Okay.
561
00:29:06,304 --> 00:29:08,144
I know how to fix this.
562
00:29:20,792 --> 00:29:22,480
‐
563
00:29:22,504 --> 00:29:23,738
‐ Okay, please stop!
God!
564
00:29:23,762 --> 00:29:25,820
Those are fucking terrible hugs.
565
00:29:25,844 --> 00:29:27,490
‐ Well...
566
00:29:27,514 --> 00:29:29,329
‐ You guys, I'm sorry,
but everything‐‐
567
00:29:29,353 --> 00:29:30,997
everything that
has happened in my life
568
00:29:31,021 --> 00:29:32,917
since you came into it
has been bad.
569
00:29:40,582 --> 00:29:42,645
Okay, I'm not a hero.
570
00:29:42,669 --> 00:29:44,649
My life is not special.
If you really loved me‐‐
571
00:29:44,673 --> 00:29:46,319
‐ We do.
572
00:29:46,343 --> 00:29:48,619
‐ We will never make fun
of you again.
573
00:29:48,643 --> 00:29:50,957
‐ Then you will help me narc
out the time‐rogues in Haven
574
00:29:50,981 --> 00:29:52,499
so I can go home
575
00:29:52,523 --> 00:29:54,340
and spend the rest of my life
with my parents.
576
00:29:54,364 --> 00:29:56,255
‐ I....
577
00:29:56,279 --> 00:29:58,552
okay.
578
00:30:00,789 --> 00:30:06,219
That is a very normal thing
for an adult male to say.
579
00:30:10,140 --> 00:30:14,041
‐ So what do you guys say?
580
00:30:14,065 --> 00:30:17,105
One last jump
for old time's sake?
581
00:30:30,682 --> 00:30:32,732
‐ Is this Haven?
582
00:30:33,938 --> 00:30:35,898
‐ No.
583
00:30:37,696 --> 00:30:39,383
It's Iowa.
584
00:30:39,407 --> 00:30:41,617
‐ State University.
585
00:30:44,585 --> 00:30:47,375
Oh, fucking bin Laden.
41817
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