Original subtitles

Okay, boys. Watch this.

Mammoth!

Baaaah!

Well, nearly there.

I wanted to get you a special early birthday present ahead of Friday.

Forty-four years I missed out on being your dad.

Deserves-- Oh. Careful-- a special gift.

How are you feeling?

- Like I'm in Guantanamo Bay. - Ooh. Guantanamo Bay.

I've never been, but it sounds exotic.

You ready?

Ta-da!

Why are we at the council?

You changed my name?

- To "Melanie Mammoth"? - Mm-hm.

- It's official now. - Without asking me?

- Surprise. - Yes! It is a surprise.

I mean, how... Surely I have to authorise it.

Told them you were in a coma. Easy.

Plus I'm a teacher. They let you sign anything.

So, what do you think?

Get me a name-change form and drive me back home.

Now.

Gone the wrong way.

- Happy birthday! - Happy birthday.

Oh, wow. Thanks for these, Mel.

I missed out on your childhood, but this is like I was there.

Foreign holiday?

Looks nice. Where's that, Torremolinos?

No. That's Egypt. Those are the pyramids.

Lovely one of you and your mam, splashing round.

One of just your mam there. Looking lovely.

Lovely, lovely.

Really knew how to fill a bikini, didn't she?

Can I take this one?

You're supposed to be looking at my childhood, not perving over my mum.

- So that's a... - No!

Well, at last something sporty.

- Little you on a horse. - Oh! Yeah.

- Oh, that was in North Wales. - Yeah.

We used to love horse riding.

My dad always used to think it was a bit too dangerous.

Stepdad, technically.

Sounds like a bit of a killjoy.

That's him, is it? That's, er, Frank?

- The cuckoo in the nest? - That's my dad, yes.

Stepdad. Shoulders like an aspirin bottle.

Christmas Day, and where's Frank? Nowhere to be seen.

Can't be arsed to spend it with his family.

Grandad used to go to a soup kitchen on Christmas Day

to feed the homeless, Grandad.

Well, your real dad's here now. Thanks for this.

Precious memories.

I'll know if that bikini photo is not there.

Precious, precious memories.

We'll make some new ones, starting Friday.

Big party.

- How did you know about that? - Theo said.

Yeah. Well... you're probably busy, Mammoth.

Call me Dad. Never too busy for my little girl.

Except for Wednesday. I've got a classic car meeting.

Thursday, me and Rog are gonna see a band pretend to be Hot Chocolate.

- What is it, disco? - No, no. It's just birthday drinks.

Me and a few colleagues, so you'd probably find it boring.

- Yeah. It does sound boring. - Yeah.

But I'll come anyway.

I'll make it fun. Make it special.

Fine. Just no more surprises, okay?

And you don't have to keep trying to be my dad.

As if this Frank bloke was half the dad I'd have been.

What do you think?

I think you need to stop trying to one-up a dead man.

Give your daughter some space

and wait for her to be ready to get to know you.

- Who asked you? - You did!

What can I do, Barry, to win her over?

What I'd do is change her name by deed poll

so she's Melanie Mammoth.

Yeah. We did that yesterday, Barry. Remember? It was disastrous.

You were there.

As stimulating as this conversation is, I've got to go.

The animal therapy woman's in today.

The lovely Andrea.

Any closer to actually talking to her this week?

Slow and steady wins the race.

No offence, though, mate. You're running out of track.

You might want to get a move on.

I know what'll help you pull her, Roger.

Why don't you change her name by deed poll?

And I'm leaving.

I should make a move too.

Supposed to be in a lesson.

Six, seven, eight, and kick.

And kick. Come on! Work those arms!

And side to side.

Really move those hips. That's it. Raise the heartbeat.

Sweat. Feel the--

I can't believe you just left a tape playing.

I had to pop out for five minutes. What's the big deal?

They're 16. They could get married in Scotland.

Just-- Just don't do it again.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Listen. I'm glad you're here.

Bit of woman's perspective.

Roger reckons I should give Mel more space.

- What do you think? - I think it's not a school matter,

but yes, that sounds like good advice.

You're not exactly an expert on being a parent, though, are you?

Actually, I've been doing a lot of research,

'cos me and Suzi are having a baby.

Well, good luck. We'll have a chat about the birds and the bees.

- Two birds cannot make a bee. - Yes, they can.

How?

We're having IVF. Or we're supposed to be having it.

What's IVF?

It's basically making a baby in a lab.

- Huh? - It's when a man donates his sperm.

But... our donor pulled out.

Before he finished? That's unprofessional.

- I mean, we've all done it. - N-No. There's no sex involved.

Just-- Just sperm.

Anyway, we need to find a new donor.

Leave it to me. I'll sort it out.

That really won't be necessary.

You know, I can't help thinking if I'd been a dad for Mel

instead of that bloody Frank bloke,

Theo might have turned out a bit more normal.

He's fine.

Yeah. But he's not a real bloke, though, is he?

I worry about him.

He's not into cars or drinking or rugby.

Don't worry.

It's never too late to teach a young man toxic masculinity.

Do you know what? You're right.

I am gonna teach him about masculinity.

Yeah. Start fixing Frank's mess. Win Mel over.

- I said toxic masculinity. - Yeah, yeah.

Whatever fancy name it's got these days.

I think we both agree it's a good thing.

I owe you one.

Oh. You're coming with me.

- But I've got a French exam. - A French exam?

Grow up. Come on. Let's go.

Where are we going?

Out, Theo, to teach you how to become a man--

something Frank couldn't be bothered to do.

Lesson one: Always help out your friends.

Get in. We're going to the newsagent.

Grandad, you left your car running.

Always keep the car running. Keeps the engine warm.

What about the environment?

Theo, this car is 50 years old.

I'm saving the environment by not having a new one built.

Every second this car turns over, I'm saving the planet.

I never thought of it like that. You could get an electric car.

Lesson two: This is the real world, not Scalextric.

Get in.

Hey, hey! This is the life, eh, Theo?

Me and you, like Bodie and Doyle on the open road.

Bet Frank never did this.

Took me out of school? No. He thought education was important.

Too much hassle to have fun with his grandson.

Well, your real grandad's here now.

You courting?

You mean seeing anyone? Then no.

Have I got the thing for you.

Lesson three:

Smell is the most powerful and primitive of all the senses.

- Take the wheel. - Oh! Okay.

Look at that.

The best cologne collection known to man.

Help yourself. You'll have the girls all over you.

Or the boys.

I know how the birds and bees work these days.

Doesn't have to be one bird and one bee.

It could be two birds. Or two bees.

I mean, it could be two bees and one bird.

Ideally, it'd be two birds and one bee and I'm the bee,

- if you get what I mean. - Car!

Oh.

Good lad.

Lesson four: Never skip lunch.

What do you feel like? Wimpy? Spudulike? Little Chef?

What about Mexican?

We could go drive-thru.

What?

Hello. Can I take your order?

Lesson five: Opportunities are everywhere.

- What can I get you? - How about your phone number? Over.

- Just things from the menu. - What do you recommend? Over.

Things from the menu.

Just two number one meals with a Coke, please, and...

Sorry. He's from the past.

Next window.

My next window's tomorrow night. Over.

Grandad, just drive to the next window.

Bye.

Plenty more fish in the sea.

Lesson six: Be adaptable.

Yeah, you're great at that.

Your colleague in the box back there-- a bit moody.

I wouldn't be moody if I got to spend my days

working with a beautiful woman like you.

Tony Mammoth. And you are?

Nine eighty.

Here's £10. Keep the change.

Obviously you're a big fan of Mexican culture.

What if I told you I spent the Mexico 1970 World Cup

with Mr Gustavo Pena?

I'm really sorry.

Can you move along to the collection window, please?

Can I, er, get a phone number?

0-7-6-5-4-3.

Easy to remember. I'll call you.

Gracias.

Lesson seven: Never give up.

What is it? I'm in the middle of a lesson.

There's a gentleman here to see you.

I'm here about the advert.

- In the newsagent's window? - Sorry. What are you talking about?

"Young woman looking for sperm.

No timewasters, please.

Contact Lucy Jenkins in Nowlan High School."

You can't be serious.

I know I look old, but Des O'Connor became a dad at 72.

Al Pacino is 83.

Right. Can you leave now? Or I'm calling the police.

- What should I tell the others? - All of you!

Ta-ra, boys.

Is your mam looking forward to her birthday?

- Don't know. - Forty-four, eh?

Forty-four years without me in her life.

- Did she miss me? - She had no idea you existed.

Does she call me "Dad" when she talks to you about me?

- She doesn't talk about you much. - But when she does, though?

Mm, no. Never.

All right. Come on.

Let's go.

Look at this berk. Give him the V's.

I don't really do conflict. It makes me feel sick.

- I can do thumbs up. - This is Frank's doing.

Lesson eight: A man never backs down.

What do you do when someone confronts you?

Fake an asthma attack or cry. I'm a really good crier.

Well, you're a Mammoth now, so give him the V's.

Good lad. Stand up to a bully.

You'll soon realise... they're all talk.

Do it again, you little shit.

- I'm gonna be sick. - Okay.

Everyone just needs to calm down a little bit, okay?

What'd you do that for, Theo?

- Because you told me to. - Oh, aye?

Getting the kid to fight your battles for you?

Oh! Someone wants to dance.

You messed with the wrong hombre, amigo.

I'm a Mammoth. And Mammoths are fighters.

I thought they were all PE teachers.

Yeah. PE teachers who love to fight.

Go and get some napkins, Theo. Gonna be a bit of blood to mop up.

How many napkins do you want?

Don't actually get the napkins.

I'm trying to teach this chancer a lesson.

Are you sure this is a good idea, Grandad?

- He's massive. - Size doesn't mean anything.

It's in the film "Get Carter."

"He's a big man, but he's out of sh--"

Shit. Get in the car.

Er, no, we shouldn't do this. Not in front of the kid, you know?

- What's wrong with him? - Oh, asthma attack.

Looks like a bad one as well.

I'll have to get him to hospital.

Bollocks!

I was looking forward to a bloody good straightener with you.

But, er, I can't leave him like that,

so... maybe next time.

Bye!

Lesson nine: Sometimes a man needs to use his brain.

Exactly what I've been trying to teach you.

No. It's the exact opposite of what you've been trying to teach me.

- Exactly. - Exactly what?

I don't know. Lesson 11: Don't ask so many questions.

- What happened to Lesson 10? - You're doing it now.

- See you tomorrow. - You've had more visitors.

All of you, out!

And he's not a bad lad, you know. Chip off the old block.

But, er, just need to shake off the weak influence of that Frank.

Jab, Rog. Use your shoulders. Put your shoulder into it!

Oh, come-- Give it to me. Give me the...

Sit down.

Haven't seen my duck, have you?

Mammoth, this is Andrea, the animal therapist.

Oh! Therapist for ducks. How does that work?

Fly down to the couch and tell us about life as a little egg?

I bring my animals here to sit with people.

Helps with some of the lonelier residents.

Andrea is a saint. She really is.

Oh, don't, Roger.

Oh! That sounds an awful lot like Mr Waddles.

Excuse me.

Still nothing?

Oh, she's a wonderful woman, but she doesn't seem to notice me.

Stop the game, Doreen.

Where's the old Roger charm?

Same place as the old Roger hair and the old Roger left testicle:

gone.

Anyway, I hardly ever get a chance to talk to her!

She's too busy helping people.

Andrea? Word, please.

Yeah. It's, er...

He'll kill me for this. He's a proud, proud man.

But, er, Roger's lonely.

- Really? - Very lonely.

Sad to see. I knew him in his prime.

Big smile. Big hair.

Big bloke.

Now look at him. Just a husk.

This is getting quite hurtful.

- Where's it going? - Yeah, man.

He hates admitting it, but, er, it's true.

Tell her how lonely you feel.

- Really lonely. - Really lonely.

Told me you feel like a canary in a cage, didn't you?

Staring at yourself in that mirror, sometimes squawking to yourself.

"Squawk! Squawk!"

Er, y-yes, apparently I did.

And you know what happens to these loners.

You've seen Travis Bickle. "Taxi Driver," 1976. Great film.

"You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me?"

I would never forgive myself if Roger turned violent,

even if he was trying to rescue young Jodie Foster.

Cybill Shepherd's in that film, isn't she?

- Ff! Now, there's a woman. - Where's this going?

Oh, yeah.

What I'm saying is I think it'd be good for Roger

if you spent a bit of time with him one-on-one--

- you know, you and the animals. - Oh, Roger.

I'd no idea!

Of course.

I'm finishing for the day now, but... I'll be back tomorrow.

Eh? Job done.

Get back over there, you randy old sod.

Come on, Doreen.

Please?

Eye of the tiger, Doreen.

Ain't gonna be no rematch. Huh.

So I said, "How does that work?

Fly down on a couch and tell us about life as a little egg?"

Everyone laughed.

Oh, and I got Mel her own CB radio for her birthday.

Keep in touch with her old dad, you know?

You know? Ten-four for a copy.

You're not still in a mood with me, are you?

I was trying to help you find Mr Right.

What sort of Mr Right do you think would respond

to an advert in the newsagent's?

I was just trying to do something.

Not trying to do nothing, like Frank.

At least Frank didn't send every pervert in the area

to my place of work.

I didn't know you were so picky. I mean, sperm is sperm.

We don't just want some dodgy old man in a flasher mac.

A donor has to be right.

Someone strong, athletic, intelligent.

Oh, God!

I'm so sorry. You must think I'm an idiot.

- What? - Come here a sec.

I will take this into the staff toilet.

I'll be back in five minutes-- probably less.

Fill that mug back up... with coffee...

...and don't ever, ever speak of this again.

I want a word.

Hey, hey! Here she is, the birthday girl.

♪ Happy birthday to you.

♪ Happy birthday to you.

- ♪ Happy b-- ♪ - Are you out of your friggin' mind?

Not you as well. What?

You took Theo out of school and nearly got him killed!

I was teaching him how to be a man.

Something his step-grandad, Frank, couldn't be bothered to do.

By getting him into a fight with a van driver?

He wasn't in a fight with a van driver. I was.

- Theo was just my second. - Oh, for God's sake.

Oh. Are you that woman from the semen posters?

- Posters? - Got a few posters done for you.

Bus stops and that. Come on. What time's the big party tonight?

It's at piss-off, you're-not-coming o'clock.

- What's that supposed to mean? - She doesn't want you to be there.

What?! Why?

That's the thanks I get, is it, your old dad?

You're not my dad! I had a dad.

Always on about Frank.

He's not here, though, is he? Because he left.

- He died. - I died as well.

- But I came back for you. - You didn't even know I existed!

And quite frankly, that was better than this.

- So shall we go back to that? - Mel...

We're done.

Good luck with your semen.

Pshh.

Kids, eh?

Luce, want a... CB radio?

No. I've got a phone.

Everyone's got a phone.

I don't know.

These lonely days and barren, barren nights.

Sometimes I feel so... empty.

So...

Don't. You'll get me going.

Since my wife passed,

it's the companionship I miss more than anything else.

Oh, Roger.

Right. Shift up. Come on. There we go.

- What are you doing? - Brought us a couple of beers.

Right, Andrea? Do you want a beer?

No. I'd better go check on the other animals.

Bye.

Right. We'll have these quick and then get down the pub.

Er, no. I'm spending the day with Andrea.

Well, bring her with you. Barry's doing wine these days.

- Red and white. Spoilt for choice. - No.

I thought you had plans anyway.

Mel's uninvited me to the birthday party.

To be honest with you, mate... a bit of a low ebb.

I'm sorry, but can't we talk about this tomorrow?

You can talk to Applejack.

Andrea says he's a good listener.

Talk to a horse?

Haven't got a great deal in common, mate, to be honest.

Well, maybe one thing, eh, Rog?

How are you and Andrea? Any closer to the old, er...

Mammoth.

The old Roger charm's back?

Won't be long before you find out what other old bits are working.

- Mammoth. - What did I tell you?

Act interested in the animals. Pretend you're lonely.

Before you know it, you and, er-- All right, Andrea?

Just having a chat with Roger about a bloke we used to know.

Pathetic.

Thanks very much, Mammoth.

Oh, pbht! Women, eh?

Oh, well. I know what'll cheer you up.

No. I'm not going to the pub. I'm not in the mood!

I want to be alone.

All right, Applejack?

You don't want to hear my old sob stories, do you?

Rather be out chasing the girl horses, I bet.

You need to make the most of it all, mate.

Take some advice.

if you do get a sexy horse pregnant...

...try not to get buried by an avalanche on the same day.

Just to clarify, I don't find horses attractive.

I mean a horse you would find sexy.

You know, good personality, great shape for a horse,

good in bed--stable-- you know, whatever.

Because if you do get a sexy horse pregnant

and you get covered by an avalanche on the same day,

your little horse daughter

will grow up with a different horse for a dad.

And not a handsome, strong horse, like you, with a great mane,

but a-a weaker... shitter horse with a crap mane.

Just...

And then, if by some miracle in the future,

they find you and bring you back to life...

...then maybe your horse daughter wants nothing more to do with you,

through no fault of your own

and you're sat on a bench of an old horses' home...

...talking to a therapy human...

...racking your brains about what you can do

to get your horse daughter back in your life.

Do you know what? They were right.

You are a good listener.

Yeah. You got any bright ideas?

Mm.

I'm so sorry about Mammoth.

It was completely out of the blue.

He just marched in and said, "Give my little girl a pay rise."

Honestly, I-I am mortified.

I-I genuinely didn't put him up to that.

But maybe the-- the best way to show that intimidation doesn't work

would be to give me the pay rise?

No? (laughing) No.

This is... I was joking. It's... It's a joke.

Have a drink. Go and mingle.

Maybe avoid Sian from accounts. Yawn. Am I right?

Me and Sian just started seeing each other.

Oh, and I love her!

Ohh! She is amazing!

Good for you.

I... I-I need to go now 'cos, erm...

...there's a horse in the bar.

Happy birthday!

What do you think?

I think you're on a horse in a bar. Why are you on a horse?

Mel, meet Applejack.

- And he's all yours... for a bit. - What?

Well, you said you loved riding horses and Frank never let you.

So, er, your real dad sorted you out.

So take him for a test ride. If you like it, I'll buy you one.

I could even see if they'll sell me Applejack.

Er, pint, please, and a bag of nuts for the big fella.

Are you mad?

Even if I wanted a horse, which I don't...

- You could've told me that sooner. - ...where am I gonna keep it?

Hey, there's a horse tied up on the roundabout outside Asda.

You could leave him on there. Bit of company.

- On a roundabout? - Er, ask the school.

See if you can leave him in the school.

I don't know, to be honest. I haven't thought it through.

I thought you'd be over the moon.

What's up? Has he upset you?

I already warned you once.

So you're not pleased, then?

It's a nice gesture... but mad.

How did you think this was gonna go?

- ♪ Like a rhinestone cowboy... ♪ - Happy birthday!

- I got you a horse. - For me?

Really? My very own horse?

- I know Frank never let you, but-- - Fuck Frank. He's dead.

You're here. That's all that matters.

I'm Melanie Mammoth now.

- Drinks are on the house! - Drinks are on the house!

Yes!

- Mammoth! Mammoth! - Mammoth! Mammoth!

- Mammoth! Mammoth! - Mammoth! Mammoth!

- Mammoth! Mammoth! - Mammoth! Mammoth!

- Mammoth! Mammoth! - Mammoth! Mammoth!

♪ Like a rhinestone cowboy... ♪

...moth... Mammoth... Mamm--

Get the horse out of here.

Honestly, you'll change your mind once you're up.

Come on. It's not gonna bite you.

No. Just get out, Dad.

"Dad"?

Mamm-- I-I meant Mammoth.

But you said "Dad."

Enjoy the party.

Come on, Applejack.

Our work here is done.

I think you wrote your number down wrong.

Fuck off.

Not very ladylike.