Original subtitles

('ALOHA 'OE' PLAYS)

(DISTANT SEAGULLS CRY)

(SUCTION POPS)

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

(CLEARS THROAT)

Come in.

(DOOR SLIDES)

Hi, Eddie. - Jaz.

- Yeah. - (CHUCKLES)

- We got your special request. - Yeah?

(CHUCKLES) Someone's about to have a very full bum.

(BOTH CHUCKLE) - That's good news.

- What's wrong? - Well, is that all of them?

How many do you need?

Well, I mean...

have you got anything...

bigger? - Bigger?

- Don't worry about it. - No, no. No, sorry, uh,

it's just that's all we have. - No, I should have specified.

No, um, but did you want to have a go anyway?

(SIGHS) Nah, it's fine.

OK.

Um...

Oh...

Wait.

(HIGH-HAT BEAT SWELLS)

(FUNKY MUSIC)

www.able.co.nz Able 2024

So, um...

how do we feel about clients that are married?

(CLICKS TONGUE) Um...

- But, you know — ethically. - Oh. Yeah. No.

One of my clients invited me out on his yacht.

Absolutely not. That is a major safety issue.

One time,

I had sex with this really hot guy,

and then my next client was, like, kind of gross,

but I orgasmed with him.

Was that a question or...?

- What if they're misogynists? - Uh...

What if they want me to put on an accent?

Or if they start crying?

And what if I know them?

What if they're really nice, but they can't afford it?

- And what if they're a racist? - You can say no to anyone you want.

(BREATH HITCHES)

(SOBS)

Is everything OK?

(SNIFFLES) I haven't had any repeat clients.

Oh.

Um...

(BREATH HITCHES)

Tui.

What's up, Lols?

That sweet fat man with the sad eyes has been in to see Amethyst,

like, three times this week,

so I was just wondering if maybe you had some tips on how I could be...

I don't know, less like...

me?

- Do you mind if I...? - Yes, please.

Lolly.

Everyone loves you.

(STIFLES SOB)

Not really.

Girls think I'm silly,

and boys think I'm gonna fall in love with them

the second they say hello, (SIGHS) which does sometimes happen.

Are you afraid you're gonna fall in love with a client?

(SNIFFLES) I was a bit, but it's been fine.

I just, uh, pretend I'm in a romance novel.

Bet they love that.

No, I just do it in my head; I don't get romantic with them.

Why not? Plenty of guys love that soppy stuff.

You get super romantic with clients?

I...

I get intimate.

Um... But that lovey-dovey stuff — I'll leave that to you.

Babe, honestly, they're not coming for a fuck; they're coming for you.

(INTRIGUING MUSIC)

(SIGHS, SNIFFLES)

(SHEEP BLEAT)

(DOG WHINES)

(INTRIGUING MUSIC CONTINUES)

(CELL PHONE CHIRPS)

(SIGHS)

GROANS: Oh, fuck.

JULES: Crikey. Still burning through it, aren't ya?

(SIGHS)

Um, if you did want any help with Sweethearts, motel's very quiet.

Yeah. No. I'll, uh— I'll manage.

You know, I've been doing this online investment course,

and if there's one thing I've learned to get ahead in business,

it's— - Have a penis?

- Well, yes, but— Oh. - Hi.

- Hello. - I don't know where I'm supposed-

- Uh, just this way. Room 4. - OK.

(GASPS)

But also — be brave.

You gotta spend money to make money.

And I know that you've spent every dollar you have

and quite a few you don't,

but I've got this nest egg just sitting there

in superannuation, as of last week.

Yeah. I know. I know. The big 65.

Honestly, I don't need a fuss. (CHUCKLES)

God forbid a cake or anything.

Why are you here?

You live in a country that basically pays you to retire.

I hate that word. Makes me think of cruises and cocktails.

Ugh. (CELL PHONE RINGS)

(GASPS) - SIGHS: Oh...

- What is her problem? - Who cares?

Anyway, re Sweethearts — If you did need a silent investor,

or even a loud one, (CHUCKLES)

um, perhaps we could put our heads together sometime

and blue-sky some options.

You know, really Shark Tank it and figure out how to sweat this asset.

I've got a staff meeting.

Of course.

- For staff. - Yeah, of course.

For Sweethearts staff.

Oh. How's the training going, ladies?

Well, Lolly's dirty talk was sounding a little timid, but...

(CLEARS THROAT)

Hey, big boy. Shoot your fireman's hose into my burning building.

Oh.

(CHUCKLES)

- Better. Yeah. - GOLDIE: Mm. Yeah.

Yeah. That's good.

We'll do another session this afternoon.

Thank you.

OK, big week this week — We've got Agrifest...

biggest farming festival south of the equator,

and we all know what that means.

- Ooh. Animal enslavement. - Sale on guns.

- No, it means rich, horny farmers. - Finally, some cash.

This is a chance for us all to make some real money.

Yeah, but not that it's all about making money.

Well, what else would it be about?

Well, it's about emotional stewardship

and universal empowerment and cultural deprogramming.

Oh my God, get fucked.

All I know is I'm gonna make bank.

- Oh. - Oh.

For the farmers.

Farmers work with animals; they don't fuck them.

OK, listen. Come on, guys, we're all in this together.

We've sacrificed a lot to get to here, and now it's time

for us to reap our rewards. (HIGH HEELS CLATTER)

Oh my fucking God! You guys,

I just shoved a speaker up a client's arsehole,

and now I can't get it out.

Should we be worried?

- Yep. - No.

It is so far up there

that I cannot even see it with a phone torch.

What?

OK, listen, I will sort this.

And meanwhile, ladies, you, uh,

brush up on your farm lingo for pillow talk.

- (GASPS) We got a problem. - Yes, I know. Jaz told me.

What, you know about the council thing?

- My thing's a butt thing. - What butt thing?

- What council thing? - What?

Oh. Right. They just called to say they're shutting us down.

You said this was legal.

It is.

There is nothing in the act that we're not compliant with.

Oh, wait.

Oh no. Fuck!

What?

It's not in the act. It's a stupid local council bylaw.

READS: 'Brothels operating outside an urban centre

'must have neighbours' consent.'

I thought we were an escort agency.

Nah, they only do out calls.

Yeah, but are we outside an urban centre?

CHERRY: Yes, because this town is tiny.

So just find another venue in town. Shadows moves all the time.

JULES: We can't. We're tied in to a three-year lease.

- Oh, that was a dumb idea. - Thanks, Cherry (!)

It's not Mack's fault; it's that cow who dobbed us in.

- Fuckin' Sharon. - I know pressure points.

You give me five minutes with her— - There's another thing...

(OVERLAPPING VOICES)

This is not about fucking Sharon.

This is about us standing up for our rights.

No.

This is about how I'm gonna feed my fucking kids when we close down.

We are not closing down. I will fix this.

OK? In the meantime, anyone that wants to go home should do so.

Anyone who wants to stay and keep working

the way sex workers have for millennia...

Illegally?

Discreetly.

But, yeah, illegally.

Uh, quick question — about the guy with the boombox up his bum.

Yes!

But bums were made to push things out.

Yeah. Well, who knew that they could suck as well as blow?

(SIGHS) What do we do?

(EXHALES) You have a motel to run.

I'll drive him to the hospital. - Absolutely not.

They've seen it all before. Trust me.

My brother works in the emergency department.

- OK, the medical centre, then. - I went there last time.

You can't stay here.

Because we're not even supposed to be operating.

Yes, thanks, Jules.

- Um, I'm like, so, so— - (WINCES)

sorry, sorry, sorry! That looks so sore.

Cherry!

Oh, come on, ladies, I can see you're out there.

(CURTAIN RATTLES)

You're a nurse, right?

Scrub up.

So, from now on, if you need to come and go, use the back entrance.

(CACKLES) - Ha ha (!)

Eh...

Amethyst.

Oh, there you are. - Yes?

So, you heard back from your dealer yet?

Yes, I did. Um...

what do you want? He's got K, MDMA, GHB.

Which one's the muscle relaxant?

- That's K. - OK.

Which — fun fact — is actually a horse tranquilliser.

Oh, that's right — You work for a vet.

(GASPS)

You know that vets operate on animals without their consent, eh?

Yes.

Listen, could you, uh, get some forceps dropped here?

Yeah.

Do you want me to go to my dealer now?

No. No, I'll pick it up.

You?

I'm not letting Amethyst break the law.

OK, Agrifest just broke for lunch, so...

E-I-E-I go.

(UPBEAT ELECTRIC GUITAR MUSIC)

♪ If it hadn't been for Cotton-Eye Joe,

♪ I'd been married long time ago.

♪ Where did you come from? Where did you go?

♪ Where did you come from, Cotton-Eye Joe?

GOLDIE: Guys. She's there.

- (CLEARS THROAT) Oh man! - (SIGHS)

I am so upset that we have to go straight home immediately.

How am I gonna support my family now that we've been shut down?

Oi. I didn't know that you had to support your family.

Yeah, like moral support.

I'm gonna tell the cops that you're a paedophile.

GOLDIE: Quick. Quick, quick!

Anyone asks, you're staying at the motel, OK?

(HORN TOOTS)

♪ Where did you come from? Where did you go?

♪ Where did you come from, Cotton Eye Joe?

♪ If it hadn't been for Cotton Eye Joe,

♪ I'd been married a long time ago.

♪ Where did you come from? Where did you go?

♪ Where did you come from, Cotton Eye Joe?

Who is this Big Farmer everyone keeps talking about?

That's me.

(GRUNTS)

(CHUCKLES)

(SOBS)

I just can't believe she's gone, you know? (SOBS)

♪ If it hadn't been for Cotton Eye Joe,

♪ I'd been married a long time ago.

♪ Where did you come from? Where did you go?

♪ Where did you come from, Cotton Eye Joe?

(JAUNTY FIDDLE SOLO)

(SOBS) Look at her.

My little Banjo...

(SOBS)

MAN: Yeah. Tell me what to do.

You've been a naughty meat-eating farmer, haven't you?

You better tell me to take me down to Vegan Town.

Take me down to Vegan Town.

Say it louder!

Take me down to Vegan Town.

Say it louder!

Take me down to Vegan Town!

Say it louder but quietly.

- Take— Ooh, fu... (GROANS) - (GASPS)

♪ Hey, hey, hey! ♪

That was...

(STAMMERS) I can't...

Mm-hm. (CHUCKLES)

Oh, it's just...

you're really cute.

Aw. Really?

Yeah.

I mean...

A lot of the ladies are just like, 'Ooh, ooh. Ooh.'

- Yeah. (CHUCKLES) Sorry. - No. Don't be.

You're really sexy.

So, you do this a bit, then?

Yeah.

Can I ask why? Unless you don't wanna talk about it.

No, no, it's OK, it's OK. It's just... (EXHALES) I don't know.

I mean, my life's pretty ordinary.

It's just a...

There's nothing ordinary about you, though.

Do you want to see me again?

Did Ayla want to see Jondalar? (CHUCKLES)

Oops. (CHUCKLES)

Sorry. It's just— It's from this series...

You've read Clan of the Cave Bear.

Maybe, like, 50 times.

Unless you count the times I've wanked off over the sex scenes,

in which case— - Hundreds.

At least.

How do you feel about cosplay?

- GOLDIE: See you later, Awesome. - (CHUCKLES) Yeah. Goodbye.

Whatever you're doing in there, it is working.

Well, mainly, I'm just, uh, showing them pictures, to be honest.

Of, um... (IMITATES RAUNCHY GUITAR)

(LAUGHS)

Oh! Well, it's working. You have six more bookings today.

Huh.

Need anything? Ice pack? Wheat pack? Meat pack?

- I got this. - Oh, shoot.

Uh, excuse me, uh...

You lost?

So sorry to hear about the closure.

- Oh, yeah, I bet (!) - Where are your workers?

- Where are your workers? - (SCOFFS)

Listen, Sharon, this is private property,

and I am fully prepared to trespass your ass, so...

HUSHED: What are we gonna do?

OK, listen. You...

Could you go and pick up that little treat that we talked about?

Treat?

Have you guys read the theory that birds are just aliens, and...

What's going on here?

OK, so, um,

what this is

is, um...

We're brainstorming ways to make money

now that you've destroyed our livelihood.

Yep.

Well, maybe your next careers could be less degrading.

Bitch, do I look degraded?

(SNORTS)

And who are you?

Um, that is my boyfriend,

who is a lawyer. Eh, babe? - No big deal.

Hey, why don't you stay for a cup of tea?

We could, uh, talk about, I don't know, female misogyny?

Or how to teach yourself to squirt.

Or— Or which guys have the worst-smelling cum.

Oh. Spoiler alert. It's the vegans.

What? Hey.

No, I'm just joking. It's the Christians.

- Let's compare pussies. - Yes! Oh my God!

(LAUGHTER) - I'll be calling the council again.

- Bye, bitch. - Idiot.

EDDIE: Can I request a song with a little bit more bass?

Oh, yep.

(MUFFLED FUNK MUSIC)

Mm.

♪ Holdin' myself from ya.

♪ Leave another lover.

♪ Leave another lover.

♪ Hold my head up high.

♪ Can you get me high?

♪ Mm, hey, yeah.

- ♪ Can you get me high? - ♪ Can you get me?

♪ Can you get me?

♪ Can you get me, baby...? ♪

Hi.

Hi.

I'm here for the, uh...

goods.

You know?

Stuff.

Naughty stuff.

The, uh...

(MOUTHS)

Ketamine?

Are we allowed to just say it?

(CACKLES) Oh, get outta town.

Sorry.

Um...

just checking — you are a...?

Social worker.

Well, you shouldn't be selling drugs.

I don't.

April fool!

(LAUGHS)

Yeah...

Oi.

Well, you're deep undercover, aren't you?

No one needs a $200 pair of shoes.

- (MURMURS) - I don't care.

- Get this thing out of me. Oh... - NOAM: Hey, Mum, what's going on?

Uh, just a problem with a motel guest. I gotta go.

Oh my God. - JULES: I'm back.

And I'm badder than ever. - No, I can't do this.

All you have to do is hold his cheeks apart.

No, my hands are so sweaty!

What if I slip and then his butthole just snaps shut?

It's not a thing, Jaz.

CHERRY: Forceps. Has anyone found any sterilising fluid?

Uh... on to it.

Um, well, just make sure

that you don't use hand sanitiser on his hole, OK?

Cos I did that at a festival once, and that shit burns.

Can we just get this over with, please?

Give him the anaesthetic.

God...

(PANTS)

(INHALES DEEPLY)

Oh God.

- OK, just try to relax for me. - (GROANS)

EXHALES: Ooh. Ah.

Um, there's a woman called Greta at reception.

GOLDIE: Finally, a female client.

She says she's a council inspector.

- What? - A what?

I've just taken drugs.

Yeah, but K is barely illegal.

- I could be disbarred for this. - GOLDIE: What are we gonna do?

Uh...

JULES: Greta. Wait.

Face like a block of concrete? - Yeah, actually.

She's in my cousin's wife's pickleball collective. I got this.

OK.

Thanks, Jules. - Oh, Jesus!

- Right. - (PANTS)

(RUNNING FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)

(BEAD CURTAIN RUSTLES)

Greta. It's been an age.

Can I book you a room?

We've had a complaint.

If you're talking about the next-door neighbour,

she's an unreliable witness and possibly a paedophile.

We've heard you've been continuing to operate despite our injunction.

Nah. What? We're definitely not doing that.

I'm gonna have to have a look around.

Now or...?

Um... I can't imagine there's much of a demand

for brothel inspection in Featherton Bay.

I actually normally work in drainage.

- Really? Lucky you. - It's my passion.

Um...

actually, we have noticed a little bit of seepage recently.

Really?

Clear water?

Grey water? Black water?

Yeah.

Just over by the driveway.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Maybe I could show you.

(STEALTHY PERCUSSIVE MUSIC)

Right. Obviously, I saw this

when we came in, but— - Oh.

Hmm.

EDDIE: Whoo! (CHUCKLES) I am feeling good.

I'm...

I'm swimming through the air.

- CHERRY: OK. - Ooh.

- You might feel a bit of pressure. - Oh, no.

- Jaz. - I'm drowning.

Yeah. - Oi, Jaz.

- Jaz. - (CHUCKLES)

Butt cheeks.

STAMMERS: I...

(GASPS, WHIMPERS)

- (MUTTERS) - (WHIMPERS)

- LOLLY: What's wrong with her? - Might be a panic attack.

No, no, no, no. This is not a good time.

No, because we're gonna lose our jobs,

and then we're gonna go to court,

and then we're gonna end up with face tats and prison wives

and names like Bitch Tits! - (GROANS)

Listen, this is not a situation to panic about.

Keep your voices down, please. - Oh my God.

How bad is it?

Your entire system's backed up.

It's probably tree roots causing the issue.

Hmm.

You're gonna want to take care of that pretty quickly.

(MUFFLED CRIES)

What was that? - What? I didn't hear anything.

- They're still operating. - Greta?

Greta, we need a resolution.

I just wanted to be good at this, and I'm not good at this!

Babe, whatever you're feeling, feel it, OK?

- You OK? - No.

And you did fuck up, but who fucking cares?

You can't ignore it, so... - (CRIES)

- breathe with me. - (BREATHES, CRIES)

(INHALES DEEPLY)

(BOTH EXHALE DEEPLY) - EDDIE: Yeah.

- In... - OK. Breathe with me.

And then out.

Whoo...

(EXHALES)

(INHALES SHARPLY)

(EXHALES) (BOTH EXHALE)

One more in...

- (INHALES DEEPLY) - In.

And then out.

Three,

two... - (SIGHS)

- one. - Ah, yeah.

(POP, THUNK!)

(ROMANTIC SOUL MUSIC PLAYS)

- ♪ Ooh, baby... - It's a girl.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

- (GROANS IN RELIEF) - (LAUGHS)

(EXHALES)

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

Uh...

so what's happened here

is, um...

(POWERS DOWN) - DIGITAL VOICE: No charge.

(POWERS OFF)

(PANTS SOFTLY)

Clearly, this escort agency is still operating.

Well, it's a brothel, actually.

Brothel, escort agency — I still don't really know the difference.

Is it just that escorts do call-outs?

Can you shut up? None of this matters if we're shut down.

Wait. Your bylaws only mention brothels.

But... we are a brothel.

Let's get a legal opinion on that, shall we?

(INTRIGUING MUSIC)

READS: 'A brothel does not include premises where prostitution occurs

'if the action was initiated elsewhere.'

And we have two buildings right here.

So we could use one for bookings and one for bonking.

- Right. - TUI: Yeah. Yeah.

Then we would be an escort agency.

And we wouldn't need consent to operate.

Then you'd be working in reception with me.

But they're, like, only 10m apart. Does that matter?

Doesn't say anything about how far elsewhere.

Yeah?

(TENSE PERCUSSIVE MUSIC)

WHISPERS: Fine.

(SHRIEKS) (CHEERING)

(RAUCOUS SHOUTING, CHEERING)

(WHOOPING)

So, uh...

that's it, then?

Mm. Besides the, um— the septic issues that need immediate action.

I told her about the leak in the driveway.

Uh, yeah. Faulty septic systems create public health risks.

Oh. We'll get that fixed.

I think you've got a cracked tank. Mm. Hope not.

That'll be 25K, 30K to replace.

And if it's not cracked?

Oh. Uh, could be the pump itself. Don't think so, though.

Maybe only 15K.

- Only? - Mm.

Better get on to it to avoid fines...

(INHALES SHARPLY) or a shutdown.

'Only'.

(JESSB's 'DAY ONE')

You going for another beer?

RAPS: ♪ So if you've been rollin' wit' your day ones,

♪ put your hands in the air, yeah, say some.

♪ Share ya love right around, make it spray-gun.

♪ Top fam, yeah, we so fuckin' A1.

♪ This is for my day ones...

Hey.

This is not a celebration face.

I know the sump thing is annoying, but...

it's not like we have to pay for it.

Cos we're just leasing.

We're liable for repairs.

What? Why?

Because Sandy knew he had me over a barrel.

(SIGHS)

♪ And we ain't keen, but he'll figure — like Tommy.

♪ We stick together in our neck of the woods,

♪ misunderstood, but we on that.

♪ They been mine, I been theirs, we stay bringin'...

(MAN GROANS)

(MUFFLED MUSIC PLAYS)

(LAUGHTER)

Christ. Goddammit!

(GROWLS)

(TOILET GURGLES)

(GROWLS)

(GRUNTS)

Shut up, you stupid septic shithole of shit!

Why does everything go wrong?!

(TOILET GURGLES) (SIGHS)

All right.

(EXHALES)

WHISPERS: It's OK.

JULES: Where's Mack?

Oh, that woman — Putting herself on the line.

She's just taking some time out.

Oh, there you are.

I feel sick...

not just because of the fresh poo bubbling up over there.

Oh, if only I hadn't said anything to Greta.

I know there's nothing I can do to fix it...

Actually, uh, there is, if you still want to invest.

You mean like a silent partner or...?

Co-owners.

But think about it. It's a lot of money, and it is your nest egg.

(GASPS)

Oh.

We need champagne. (LAUGHS)

- Tequila would be good. - (LAUGHS)

(CAR ENGINE STARTS, IDLES)

(ENGINE REVS)

♪ I try to take it as a joke,

♪ but my heart goes up in smoke.

♪ When you push me, tease me low,

♪ oh, I wonder if you know.

♪ Now everybody looks at me like everything I've ever said

♪ has still gotta be true.

♪ But nothing is as easy to forget as what you never really knew.

♪ Now you make me feel

♪ low brow, take me down,

♪ you never look sorry.

♪ Low brow, take me down,

♪ you never look sorry.

♪ Low brow, take me down,

♪ you never look sorry.

♪ You never look sorry.

♪ Oh.

♪ Fold, fold.

♪ You put me in my place, where

♪ it's cold, cold.

♪ Just want your body heat to

♪ mould, mould,

♪ mould me into you.

♪ Just hold me closer than

♪ you know how to.

♪ Fold, fold.

♪ You put me in my place, where

♪ it's cold, cold.

♪ Just want your body heat to

♪ mould, mould,

♪ mould me into you.

♪ Just hold me closer than

♪ you know how to.

♪ You know how to.

♪ You know how to.

♪ You know how to.

♪ Just hold me closer than

♪ you know how to. ♪

www.able.co.nz Able 2024