Original subtitles

� Chappelle's show �

� chappelle's show �

- � chappelle's show � - � chappelle's show �

� chappelle's show �

- � chappelle's show � - � ah �

I don't think he's coming.

Oh.

Let's start the show.

Ladies and gentlemen,

put your hands together for Dave chappelle!

Dave chappelle, going once...

Dave chappelle, going twice...

Fuck it.

Ladies and gentlemen...

Put your hands together

for donnell rawlings and Charlie Murphy!

Hey, look.

Dave chappelle left the show.

But I want y'all to know somethin'.

Charlie Murphy is not mad at Dave chappelle.

'Cause I happen to know if it wasn't for Dave chappelle,

you motherfuckers would still be calling me

Eddie Murphy's brother.

You know... Somebody had to do this.

I ain't want to be up here doing this.

Speaking for me and donnell, as a matter of fact...

Nigga, speak for yourself.

I need all the camera time I can get, nigga!

I'm goin' ass to the glass!

Take a picture of me, son!

Strike a pose!

Keep talkin', nigga, whatever!

Ahh!

I'm tryin' to blow up.

As we all know, money changes everything, right?

And the funny thing, like, before Dave had all this money,

man, a lot of people didn't know, like,

how much Dave really was worth or how much he had

and Dave had to find out a real crazy way

that people knew that he had a lot of cash.

Take a look at this.

Yeah, welcome back to 106 & park,

b.E.T.'S top ten live.

So, you g'wan do your show again?

It's lookin' that way.

You must be paid... Big tv star.

Nah, man, it's cable.

I do all right, but nothin' to write home about.

Congratulations to Dave chappelle!

He's rakin' it in on the new season of the chappelle show,

the Dave chappelle show.

Reports say chappelle has received $55 million.

They be lyin' like shit on tv, don't they?

All right, you all set.

How much I owe you, man?

$11,000.

Your chalkboard says $8, man.

That's the old price.

That is fucked up.

You hear what I'm saying, bald head?

Y'all gonna let him rob me?

Huh? Hah?

Pay up now, 11 in cash.

All right. But for $11,000...

Shave my balls then, nigga.

Come on, get to cuttin'.

How much I owe you?

- Nice car. - Yeah.

Richest, funniest man in America.

$873.

Aw, come on, man, the sign say $28.

I ain't playin' this shit today.

That's the old price.

What you mean, that's the old price, nigga?

All right, man, let me get my checkbook

and we work something out, all right?

Let me get a picture with you.

Fuck no, nigga...

You got your camera, man?

$25 million?

That's half my money, man.

You ain't do half the work.

Shit.

What if I don't wanna pay?

What's that? Your sister's gun?

You think that's the first time I had a gun put in my face?

Nigga, that's the sixth time this has happened this week.

That's why I got him around.

Go ahead, pull your pistol out,

let's have a little arms race in the room.

Oh, no.

They the government, man.

I'm afraid of them.

I pay you $4,000 a week to hold me down, nigga.

Hold me down!

$4,000 a week?

You haven't filed for that.

Both of you...

Get buck naked.

Damn it.

You know what, dude?

You fuckin' fired.

- You know what? - What?

When you get out of here, you're in trouble, Jack.

You just gonna let him threaten me like that?

How you gonna get $25 million out of me

if I got the nigga from green mile

sittin' on me in the middle of "k" street?

That's a good point.

Freeze!

Oh... shit!

You all right, dog?

You all right?

Money...

The root of all evil.

The irs pulled the trigger,

but your greed did this to me, Dave.

Wh-why you sayin' that, man?

You didn't have to do two more seasons

no matter how good the show is.

They're only gonna say it's not as good as last year was.

I know... I already know that.

You know-- you know what the key

to keeping the show fresh is?

What?

You gotta...

Come on, talk to me!

You gotta...

I'm dead.

We had our own "ka-ching!" Moment, didn't we?

Yeah, we did, man. This is crazy, man.

Me and Charlie Murphy, because we've been under a lot of stress

and both of us had our own "ka-chung!" Moment.

Take a look at this.

So where's Dave at, man?

Africa.

Africa Africa?

Yeah.

That mother...

I'm broke, bitch!

Hey, look, y'all, y'all got to stay where you at

'cause we gonna be right back

with some more chappelle's show.

Oh, yeah, we got more for you.

- � Chappelle's show � - who's that?

Thank you.

Hey, y'all remember when, when Chuck d said

that hip-hop was like the CNN to the hood?

I agree with him, but only partially, 'cause, see,

all hip-hop ain't exactly newsworthy in my opinion.

Check this shit out.

And now, a hip-hop newsbreak with Chuck Taylor.

Good evening, I'm Chuck Taylor.

It's been a very busy day in the news.

A lot of things have happened.

A staten island man is listed in stable condition tonight

after a brutal assault by rapper method man

following an argument.

The victim addressed the press earlier today.

It was torture. Straight torture, son.

First he put my nuts on the dresser.

It was crazy--just my nuts.

And then he banged them shits with a spiked bat, like "bow!"

And then, he sewed my asshole shut.

Kept feeding me and feeding me and feeding me!

This all took place in the slums of shaolin.

There was the rza, the gza, ol' dirty bastard,

raekwon the chef, u-God, inspectah deck,

and of course, the method man.

The victim also said that

at one point during the altercation,

method man put a hanger on the stove

and left it for, like, 40 minutes

and then he stuck it in his ass real slow.

Like, "sss..."

At this point, method man is still at large,

so stay tuned to news channel 3 for this and other stories.

I'm Chuck Taylor.

We'll be right back with more "chappelle's show"!

� Chappelle's show �

� chappelle's show �

It's those guys.

I'ma pose a question to the audience right now.

If you mysteriously had $50 million

out of nowhere tomorrow,

would you use any of the money to maybe...

Get revenge on somebody you had a grudge against?

You would?

The funny thing, Dave chappelle felt the same way.

Check this out.

Holy shit, it's Dave chappelle!

Watch your mouth.

Hey, little fella, is your, uh, is your dad around?

No, he's at work.

Where's he workin'?

He works at the doughnut shop

on Roscoe boulevard.

Sounds lucrative.

Do me a favor, squirt, run get your mom.

Mom!

Oh, my God.

David.

Oh...

Oscar, go play with your toys.

You don't mind if we come in, take a load off, do you?

You know, David, I've been so proud of you all these years,

and I want you to know that I'm really sorry

about what happened between us.

I mean, for Pete's sake, David, we were all just kids.

Yeah. Yeah, we were kids.

I mean, how were you gonna know

that cheatin' on me the night that I asked you to marry me--

with Jamal, of all people--

would really give me trust issues

that I struggle with to this very day.

Well, the good news is, Jamal and I are still together,

and he's legit now.

I have a confession to make.

I love you.

I've loved you the entire time I've been away from you.

I want you to marry me.

Dave, I don't know what to say.

Say yes.

What about your wife?

Shh...

Her? It's over between us.

What about my husband?

What about him? Leave him.

You don't need his doughnut shop money, I got you.

Or you could stay around here; I'm sure you're comfortable.

Give it a week.

I'll send a jet for you to bring you to my home.

If you're gonna come, I'll be there waitin'.

It's done, baby.

The divorce is final?

It's all taken care of?

Oh, thank God. This is for you.

I want you to close your eyes, I got a surprise for you.

Keep 'em closed.

All right, open 'em!

This my wife and my son!

Girl, I didn't get no divorce-- we're happy as hell!

Why did you do this to me?

Why did I do it?

'Cause I'm petty and lucky for me,

my family's petty too.

Nice shoes.

Oh!

Hold on, hold on. Look at that squirrel skin coat.

Oh!

Get that coat some peanuts.

Go back to your husband.

Oh, wait a minute.

- Oh! - Oh!

All right, come on y'all, let's get out of here.

Let's go to the amusement park.

I don't know about you, but I want some doughnuts.

How many squirrels must die for you to look fly?

Hey, shonda,

I'm rich, bitch!

You son of a bitch.

You son of a bitch.

Knock, knock.

Hope I'm not interrupting.

Dave chappelle.

Jerry Jacobs, casting agent extraordinaire.

Oh, hello, Dave.

Congratulations on all your success.

Oh, thank you, Jerry. You know what?

I got to say, this lady here has meant so much to me, man,

in fueling the fire of my career,

that I did a little something for you.

What?

I know that ad time on the super bowl is expensive,

but I hold in my hand an advertisement

for Jerry Jacobs casting.

No.

You might want to come see this.

Hey, I'm Dave chappelle,

and I'm here to say a few words

about America's premiere casting agent.

Of course, I'm talking about Jerry Jacobs.

She sucks ass!

Eight years ago at an audition,

Jerry had the nerve to tell me that I didn't have,

and I'm quoting her, "it."

Man, was that bitch wrong!

But don't take my word for it.

One time Jerry called me a "nigga"

on the set of jungle fever.

I never said that.

Kiss my black ass, Jerry.

Two times!

Give me some.

That's Jerry Jacobs casting.

Don't hire her 'cause she sucks ass,

and she's a racist.

You can see more of Jerry

in this month's cameltoe magazine.

Oh, my God, Jerry.

Got some bad news for you.

You're fuckin' done, son!

It's over.

� A moment like this �

� some people wait a lifetime �

� for a moment, mo... �

� Jerry Jacobs �

Dave?

Steve.

Oh, my God, what happened?

What hap--I mean, how did you get in the, um...

End up in the chair?

I got into a bad car accident a few years ago

not long after you left here.

I'm sorry to hear that, man.

It's all right, man.

You know everybody around here is real proud of you, Dave.

In fact, just the other day,

I was talking about you with Jay rizzo.

You remember him?

Yeah, Jay rizzo, whatever happened to that guy?

He's in a wheelchair too, man.

Damn.

Can I be honest with you for a second, papa?

I'm really glad you came here today

because I've been wanting to apologize to you for years.

Banning you from the club was the biggest mistake

I ever made.

I know this doesn't mean anything to you,

but I just want you to know that I'm sorry...

And I always knew from the bottom of my heart

that you were going to make it.

Oh, man.

Steve.

I came here to get revenge on you, man.

- You did? - Yeah, man.

I was gonna burn your club down.

You don't smell that gas?

I know that's wrong, but I was just so mad all these years

for you banning me.

It was just--I'm sorry, man.

All these years I walked around with that weight

and now I feel like you lifted it.

Thank you.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.

Thank you for making this that much sweeter,

you son of a bitch.

Hey, hey! What the fuck, man?

Not the stairs, man.

Oh, I love it when a plan comes together.

Whoa, nice--oh, let me see what you got.

Oh, oh, I just want to hold him.

Oh!

That little motherfucker, bye!

We'll be back with more chappelle's show

right after these messages!

- Okay. - Robot, help us please!

Thank you, thank you.

Hey, yo.

You ever been in the club and a new Tupac record come out?

It's--he's living!

If Elvis is live, Tupac is alive!

I saw Tupac on 42nd street

selling biggie t-shirts two for $10, man.

Tupac lives!

Let's just say his lyrics were a little bit before they time.

Check this out.

Exclusive, here's that new Tupac.

� listen close as life turns its pages �

� machiavelli here kickin' rhymes for the ages �

� see things in stages �

� wise words spoken by sages �

� from skytel to BlackBerry pagers �

� your crew don't phase us �

� we'll make you busters pay us �

� run up in your spot like c.J. From San Andreas �

� I wrote this song a long time ago �

� a real long time ago �

� feel me �

� I wrote this song a long time ago �

� it was the dopest song I ever wrote �

� in '94 �

� what can a nigga do �

� when half the people voted for George w. �

� bouncin' checks from George w. �

� can't be true �

� better choke him 'cause he's a snitch �

� I'm talking about George w. Smith �

� from city council �

� he ran in '93 out in Oakland �

� you probably didn't hear about him �

� I wrote this song a long time ago �

� a real long time ago �

� way before slim shady was in demand �

� way before we dropped bologna on Afghanistan �

� I wrote this song in '94 �

� how am I doing this? �

� look around the club �

� see everyone in the place showin' pac love �

� got a smile on my face �

� the girl in the miniskirt has bad taste �

� 'cause that shirt don't match �

� there's a pudding stain on the back �

� what the fuck is that? �

� it might be doo-doo �

� and you in the back, you ain't shit �

� you bought a gin and tonic, but you didn't even tip �

� and if you hit this table one more time �

� then the record might skip �

� might skip �

� I told you �

� stop hitting the table �

� Tupac is raw �

� I wrote this rhyme in 1994 �

� I'm not alive �

� thug life �

� Dave chappelle �

� that ain't your wife �

� damn, man, go back to your kids �

� go home �

� I wrote this song a long time ago �

� a real long time ago �

� way before beanie sigel had to do a bid �

� way before Dave chappelle had two kids �

� don't give him no hoochie �

Tupac, rest in peace.

� okay, I will �

Thank y'all for watching chappelle's show.

Good night!

I'm rich, biatch!

Hi, thank you.

All right, here it comes.

The victim also said that at one point during the altercation

method man put a hanger on the stove and left it--

Ready?

The victim also said that at one point during the altercation

method man put a hanger on the stove

and left it for, like, 40 minutes.

And then--

Oh, shit.