Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language and adult humour

SIREN WAILS IN DISTANCE

Unlike Ethan, Abi knew what she wanted.

She wanted an impressive, well-paid job.

She wanted a safe, comfortable home.

She wanted a fridge with a bit on the front that does ice.

KEYBOARD TAPPING

It's important to know what you want.

SIREN WAILS IN DISTANCE

If you don't know what you want, then you never get what you want.

If you never get what you want,

then you'll never be happy.

Babe? I'm just going for a quick run, yeah?

DOOR SLAMS

And if you're never happy...

...then you've failed.

SHE EXHALES

SHE WINCES

SHE GROANS

BANGS Fuck!

♪ When you wake up in the morning

♪ What's the first thing you reach for?

♪ When your eyes hit the sky?

♪ Nah, it ain't coffee

♪ It ain't tea SHE GASPS

♪ It's me. ♪ SHE GASPS

Fuck!

Abi was not going to fail.

KNOCKING Babe, come on.

Sorry. You've been in the bathroom all this time?

Yeah, it was a really hard Wordle,

and I was practising what I was going to say.

Well, you don't need to practise. You're going to nail it.

This time next year, you're going to be top sales rep at that place.

That third party data is literally going to fly off the shelves. Mm.

You look so muscly at the minute. LAUGHS AWKWARDLY

Listen, I haven't... I haven't showered or anything. I don't care.

Uh, do they like, miso gochujang lamb with crispy smashed potatoes?

Because that is what I am going to make tonight.

Er... I think so.

Thank you for doing this.

Listen, they're not who I'd personally choose

to have dinner with, but got to celebrate the big promotion.

I haven't got it yet.

I just want to show them that just because I live with you now

doesn't mean we won't spend as much time together as a three.

LAUGHS AWKWARDLY

All right, but you're not.

You're not going to spend as much time together as a three.

Oh, fuck. I think I had a wet dream.

Oh, no. It's just sweat. False alarm!

Eew! Hey! Morning!

Good morning. Can I borrow some clothes?

Because all my clothes are dirty. Yes.

DOOR OPENS

Uh, hey. Fuck! Oh, fuck, sorry. I thought this room was empty.

Uh, yeah. Sorry, it was. I... I just moved in here.

I'm Sam. Uh, this is Ethan.

He doesn't live here. He's just my best friend.

Oh, shit! The writer? Yeah. Hey! Hey, I'm Aaron.

Nice to meet you. It's so nice to meet you.

Sorry. I would give you a hug, but I'm a bit sweaty.

I'm fine. Yes. I'm, uh, I'm actually,

like, more of a tutor. A tutor, like just a few kids at GCSE level.

All the parents are rich, so if they fail,

it's... well, social mobility. Yeah, no, I also teach at a school.

Primary kids, two days a week. I teach music.

Oh, like recorder? I once went to a year six recorder recital.

It was literally the worst thing that's ever happened to me.

And I've been sexually assaulted.

No, I...

Percussion, mainly. To kids with troubled upbringings.

Actually, a few of them have been sexually assaulted.

I love your hair. Thanks.

Uh, I like yours too. Very, very curly. Jewish.

Not in a bad way. I don't think there is a bad way.

Well, then you haven't met my cousins!

They're genocidal!

I...I don't speak to them any more.

OK. It was... it was really nice to meet you guys.

So good to meet you, Aaron. See you soon.

OK, gun to your head, do you think that guy's in love with me?

AUDIOBOOK: He wasn't just a billionaire.

He was a vampirios.

A vampire billionaire with a throbbing shaft.

And he was about to fuck me raw.

Sorry...

Your headphones aren't connected.

SHE GASPS

I'm so sorry. It's all right!

It's a good one, though, isn't it? Yeah.

Well, this means the absolute world to me.

So I'd love to hear more about the role you see me fitting into.

And I'm really sorry to ask, but in terms of pay?

You need to advocate for yourself. OK?

Yeah. Women need to stop apologising.

Especially at work. Like me, I don't think I've said sorry

in four years. Instead of sorry, you know what I say? I say,

"Oh, you're upset with me? That sounds like a you problem, cunt."

You know? Yeah. No, absolutely. Advocate for myself.

Sorry if I haven't been doing that enough.

I'm gonna write that down.

Listen, Abi, I'm not going to bullshit you. Mm-hm.

I would never bullshit you, cos that's insulting.

I would never insult you, cos I care about you.

You are not getting a raise.

I know, it's insane.

But it's this time in history.

OK. Yeah. Um, OK.

But it is still a promotion, though, so...? Abi? Baby?

This is huge. OK. This is more than a promotion.

Do you know how few of our interns we turn into permanent employees?

I mean, the last girl, it's like,

"OK, I hope you got back to Prague safely,

"but I'm not going to be paying for your visa, bitch."

Honestly, I'm legally responsible for someone if I sponsor their visa.

I can't handle... This is why I don't have children.

Because I care too much. Yeah, definitely.

Yeah. I mean...

OK, so. Yeah.

I'm getting a promotion.

Thank you. Um, to what?

Abi better apologise tonight.

You can't just abandon us and then expect us to,

like, suck it up. Like, that's very, very like fuckboy,

Hinge date behaviour.

Yeah, a Hinge date that I immediately fall in love with

and then change my whole personality to impress.

So why the fuck would she be like, "Can you please bring Pinot Noir?"

Like, just say wine, right? Wine. Say wine.

So, are you going to get a job today or not really?

Not really. I was thinking, before I do anything else,

I should decide exactly what I want my life to look like

and what I need and how to get it and what my calling is.

And then from there, I can just sort of,

like, vibe it out. Mm. Well, have you maybe, like,

considered moving back in with your parents until you find a flat?

Um... Because the guys here have been talking.

And if you do want to crash here, then you're going to need

to be financially contributing to the shared Mubi account.

I love these clothes you lent me. I feel like Peter Pan.

Let's go! Love her. Bestie alert. Can't wait to learn her name.

So you're going to be joining the people team,

which is my personal concept. Trademark.

It's a lot like HR, only you don't need any training.

Because here's the thing, is like, we are all people, right?

I mean, except for men. I'm just kidding!

Literally all my friends are men.

Speaking of which, who are you fucking?

Come on. Any hot stud sticking you down?

I mean, unless it's a woman and you're a lesbian.

In which case, we need some of that around here.

Sorry, no. My boyfriend. Tom. Tom. Yeah. And is he good?

I'm currently fucking this little finance bro.

I mean, literally, he's very little, and he wants me to eat ass.

Does Tom have you eat a lot of ass?

OK, so it's like, more of a vanilla kind of pump and dump.

No! Wham bam, thank you, ma'am. No, not at all.

I've, like, wanked him off with my feet.

But, you know, to be honest, they were a bit dry, so it wasn't great.

And that was like two years ago and didn't really work.

KNOCKING I'm sorry. That was really ina...

Knock, knock, knock! I don't know why I said that. Aye, aye, Captain.

Really weird. So I'm going to pass you over to Louise.

She's going to get you settled. Abi, we're all so proud of you.

Thank you. How about coffee later? I'd love that.

Thank you so much, Greta. For me, I mean, like, for me.

I'd love to have a latte around three. Yep. Yep, definitely.

And Louise will tell you how to make it.

CLATTERING Oh! Oh!

Oh, my God. Fucking hell. Are you OK?

Oh, thank God. Are you sure? Yeah?

Oh, shit. Aaron! Aaron!

Beat me to it. Are you OK?

Yeah, I'm fine, thank you. That's so weird.

We were just... I just ran over to see if she was...

Where are you...? Oh, I'm off to work. Yeah.

Cool. Which, erm...? The school. This way. I'm going that way.

OK. Do you want to walk together? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure.

Welcome to the people team, my love. Milady!

Pull up a pew. Oh, sorry. I better get rid of that.

Sorry if it takes me a few days to get my head around it.

I'm trained in media. Not really a people person.

Oh, well, I mean, it's very simple.

Um, say, for example, someone was violently assaulted,

or, God forbid, was experiencing low self-esteem.

We're the lucky ladies who get to say,

"Hang on a second, that's not on." And give them a leaflet perhaps.

Or, in more serious circumstances,

a kind but innocent squeeze on the upper arm.

We make people feel comfortable and safe.

And we also fire them.

All's fair in love and war!

We need a people team because we're people, aren't we?

For God's sakes, not robots.

I genuinely love it.

I teach this kid Tyler, right? And he sucks at drums, like,

so bad, but he plays with this amazing freedom. Mm-hm?

He doesn't give a shit what anyone else thinks.

He just smashes them as hard as he can, fuck everyone else.

And the other day I was thinking, like, that is a pure artist.

Yeah, totally.

Or maybe that's a clinical narcissist.

THEY LAUGH

I don't know. I feel bad for kids. I don't know how you teach them.

Like, I feel so, so bad for them.

Like, this is the worst time ever to be seven.

The worst time ever? Yeah. Have you seen what's...

I mean, maybe apart from the war or like the plague, or...

Well, quite a lot of other times, I guess.

How are you going to live if you don't have a job?

Oh, my mum left me some money.

Oh. Um...

But my dad actually died... Oh, my God. No.

Oh, my God. No, she's not dead. She's not dead.

No. It just sounds way better than saying she gave it to me.

Fucking hell! I'm so sorry about your dad.

Why did you say that? I need to stop saying that. That's crazy.

No. She's alive. She's annoying, but she's alive.

This is me, I gotta go. OK.

Um, I better go tell Tyler he's a narcissist!

Oh, yeah. Break the news!

We should get a drink. Yeah!

No, no. Not now. Cos I'm going to work, and it's 11am,

but I'll text you or something. Yeah. Text me, text me.

Yeah. Retro! Vintage. Vintage vibes.

Text me. OK. See ya.

Retro vibes. Sure. Why not say that?

Thanks for being so nice today. Of course.

Fancy a little after-work tipple? My treat.

Only fair, considering the pay gap. Urgh! Elephant in the room.

Never understood why people think that's a negative.

They're gorgeous creatures and highly intelligent.

Um, well, I'm... I'm having my friends over for dinner. It's...

It's like I-I feel bad.

Like, I basically ditched them so I could live with my boyfriend,

so I'm, like, trying to make it up to them.

Oh, you sound like a lovely friend. Thank you.

I literally tell them that constantly.

I'll be on my lonesome again, I suppose.

No bother. Table for one, as always. Bread and olives to start.

I mean, you could come, if you want.

Oh!

I just thought you'd find it boring or...

Boring? Never been bored in my life.

Medical marvel. Doctors hate her!

My last doctor did hate me, actually.

Essentially, I submitted a urine sample

that was surplus to requirements. We live and learn.

LAUGHING: Good! Great. All right. Yeah. My boyfriend's cooking.

He's, like, a bit of a foodie, so he's making miso lamb.

Miso? Miso. It's a lovely name for a boy.

OK, well, I'll put on my Sunday best.

You email me the deets.

Can't wait, Work Wife!

You're gonna start by scoring...

I know it's not, like, exactly the role that I wanted, but...

Hey! No, this is huge.

I'm so proud of you, babe. You've done so well.

Hey! Oh, babe, listen, I'm just about to marinate this. So...

...is to gather everyone around, carve up and...

SHE LAUGHS What was that?

SHE LAUGHS LOUDER What?

My boss asked me today...

SHE LAUGHS What?

Greta asked me if I've ever...

QUIETLY: ..eaten your arse.

SHE LAUGHS Huh? One more time?

I mean, like, it was funny. It was funny.

What did you say? No. Yeah. I said no, obviously,

cos I haven't done that. Yeah, no, you haven't.

COOKING VIDEO COMMENTARY CONTINUES

Do you want me to do that?

No!

NARRATOR: Abi's family had a lot of traditions.

Traditional roasts on Sunday.

Traditional Boxing Day walk.

Traditional Catholic guilt on her mum's side.

Traditional heart disease on her dad's.

Hello, it's Lindsay.

I can't come to the phone right now. Please call...

Abi could have followed the traditions.

She could have, like her sister, decided not to move to London.

She could still, as her mum often reminded her,

decide to move back.

But that wasn't what Abi wanted.

She wanted something more.

♪ This is the story of... ♪

Amazing flat.

Can't believe we haven't been here before.

Yeah, it's kind of giving Airbnb. Thank you.

Ooh, matching glasses! Come on! Thriving era.

Oh, Chardonnay.

Oh, fuck. Is that not going to go with the lamb? It's fine.

Guys, a few appetisers. Nothing special.

Just fig, burrata, sourdough.

Sublime.

Help yourself. Thank you. Or take the tray.

Thanks so much.

Do you want a chair?

No, no, no. I'm good. I'm good.

OK.

WINE POURS

Sure. OK. Here, babe. Thanks. Oh...

White? Uh-huh.

Thanks, guys. That means a lot. Thank you.

Lamb will be ready in 12.

OK, Jeremy Allen Beige.

HE LAUGHS

So, yeah, it's got, like,

great progression over the next two years, I think. Thank you.

And I was, like, really front-footed in the meeting.

I was, like, advocating for myself, negotiating and stuff.

That's amazing. Mm. That's so great.

So good.

♪ This is the story of my love... ♪

I should have told yous I was going to move in here.

Yeah, you should have.

I know. I'm sorry.

I made a Pinterest board of decor ideas back in July,

but then I wanted to tell yous,

but every time I tried to tell yous,

I'd just stress out that yous were going to shout at me,

so then I'd just add more and more shite

to this bloody Pinterest board.

It was like I was drowning in a sea of mood lighting and spice racks.

You don't even like spice. I know!

But I'm trying to... grow up.

Oh, Ab...

Oh, you're so annoying. Thank you. You're SO annoying. I know.

- INTERCOM RINGS Oh, there's Louise. - Hm?

The fuck is Louise? I thought the whole point of this is it's just us.

I don't know. Maybe she's electric. INTERCOM BUZZES

My favourite film is Mr Popper's Penguins.

Or The Zone Of Interest.

Jaw-on-the-floor stuff. Honestly.

You are amazing. Ah! Welcome to the group.

Yay! Thank you.

Never been part of a group before.

Oh, actually, tell a lie - tour group of York Minster in 2015.

Though I lost most of the gang to Covid, sadly. Oh.

So... Whoo! LOUISE: Ah!

...basically you just sear it off in the pan to get that umami crust,

and then it's just a matter of using a probe thermometer

to make sure you get that rosy-pink tender roast.

It's grass-fed. It's a serious piece of meat, this.

It's the most expensive part of the lamb. Ooh! Oh. There you go.

Did anyone ask about that?

So what's the 411? How did this dream team meet?

Just because you all seem, you know, kind of quite different.

TOM: They all lived in the same corridor in the first year at uni.

That's it.

So we met in freshers' week on a pub crawl.

Don't. Yes! Please. No.

I'm talking to Ethan, basically, and I'm thinking,

"OK, this is another very, like, entitled, posh white boy.

"Like, everything that's wrong with the world."

Yeah, but then she realised that, actually, because I'm so stupid,

I have almost no effect on the world whatsoever.

And we're on, like, the third pub

and Abi is half-naked on top of the bar wearing the bouncer's cap.

No, no, don't listen to them. Ooh! I was in the library.

Yeah, you were in the library,

wanking off that white guy with dreads. Yes!

- FRIDGE DOOR SLAMS Lou?! - Yeah.- Remember him?

He's in prison now.

Ab? Babe? Sorry, have you got that carving knife?

The Japanese one I got you?

Yeah, yeah, it's in one of my boxes. Nice.

Japan makes the best knives.

Fuck. I was literally about to ask you

what culture makes the best knives. Really? Yeah.

NARRATOR: Abi could have followed the traditions.

She could, at this very moment, be married to her teenage boyfriend,

have put down a deposit on a flat,

and have a definitive, realistic idea

of what her future would look like.

Abi could at this very moment, be at her parents' house...

...her entire family around her,

celebrating the imminent arrival of her new niece.

But that wasn't what Abi wanted.

She wanted something better.

Something more.

LID CLATTERS #S

Hello, sweetheart.

I was just wondering, do you happen to have a Scholl blister pad at all?

It's just my Clarks are bloody rubbing something awful.

Ah. That's fun.

What's that, would we say, if we had to put a face to a name?

I thought she wanted to be in sales. Yeah. Oh, she's working her way up.

Some people have to.

Um... OK. But, like, what the fuck is a people team?

Guys, do you know how hard it is to stay on after an internship

at a small-to-medium start-up?

No.

Well, at least she's not a failure, so... Failure?!

I'm sorry, we're too young to be failures.

In ten years, THEN we'll have failed. OK.

Anyway, er... Ab! To Abi. New flat. Yay, new flat!

New job. Oh, my God.

New... Oh.

Whose is that?

Oh.

QUIETLY: Squeeze past.

WHISPERING: Why are we doing this now? Why not?

I fucking found this... Because we're in the middle of dinner.

It makes me feel like shit, Tom. What is this?

Is this just about fucking humiliating me?

No. I could talk about this in front of me fucking nan,

if I found it right now.

Can this not wait until after dinner?

What? After we've had our pudding?

Babe, it's... it's no different to having a vibrator.

It's an illogical double standard, babe, OK?

I'm not having this fucking conversation in front of them.

Yeah, I'm going to go.

No, sit down, Sam. Hey, you can go.

No! Ethan's eating. Sit down. OK.

They're staying. They're fucking staying.

Babe, you're being a tiny bit insane.

Don't you dare call me insane.

I've been racking my fucking head, going,

"Why doesn't Tom want to have sex with me?"

And it's cos you're busy coming into your fucking plastic fanny, yeah?

Watching your little gross videos about bukkake and anal?

Well, anal isn't gross. All right, Ethan! Sorry.

Go and stay at a friend's house, Tom.

What friend?

FLESHLIGHT SQUELCHES

Oh, my God.

Ooh...

You didn't even empty it!

TV: Well, the housing market is in poor shape, but that means...

It's such a shame, because Tom's meat is delicious.

It's not the end of the world, you know?

It's just a sex toy, right?

Everyone has a fleshlight, one way or another.

What are you ever talking about?

I'm just saying it's not about a fleshlight.

It's about the fact that he can't talk about anything.

Yeah, well, that's his problem. All right? You're perfect.

Yes. You are perfect. You're literally on the people team, OK?

You're doing amazing.

TEARFULLY: No, I'm not.

I just feel like even if I dropped off the face of the earth tomorrow,

they'd just hire another HR assistant,

Tom would just fuck his plastic vagina,

and nothing would change.

Everything would change. Mm. Oh...

I know it seems like I'm in control of everything, but I'm really not.

Oh, my God, Ab.

It has literally never seemed like that.

Ever. THEY LAUGH

Go on, have a bite. No!

♪ Most expensive part of the lamb! ♪

THEY CACKLE

What a fucking loser.

Bizarre. Bizarre. Yeah.

Hey... that guy, Aaron, asked me out.

Ethan, no, he didn't. Yeah, he did.

He's going to text me.

He doesn't have my number.

SAM SNORTS

Don't. Shut the fuck up. SAM LAUGHS

Shut the fuck up! Fuck you.

Hey, Ab? Mm? Do you think you might want to start looking with us again?

Looking? Oh, my God. Yeah, wait, you can live with us again.

What? We haven't broken up.

You can stay here for a bit, though, if you want, Ethan.

PHONE PINGS

NARRATOR: Abi wanted things.

And she was going to get them.

She was going to get them...

...once she figured out exactly what they were.

Shall we have a threesome?

MUSIC: Sexy by Jockstrap ft Babymorocco

Subtitles by Red Bee Media