Original subtitles

(suspenseful music)

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(ominous music)

(dramatic music)

(suspenseful music)

(victim gasps) (clown squeaks)

(dramatic music continues)

(clown honks)

(victim screams)

(thunder rumbles)

(victim breathing sharply)

(dramatic music continues)

(clown squeaks)

(dramatic music continues)

(clown speaks in foreign language)

(victim screams)

(dramatic music)

- [Announcer] Experience real fear.

This October, the Halloween masks store

located just past Todd's Field.

- [Announcer] This is a community notice

for residents in the Route 2 area.

Due to recent reports of fields near Todd's Road

will be closed to the public after sunset

until further notice.

Stay in your vehicle, lock your doors.

Thank you, and have a safe October.

(ominous music)

- [Robot] There are clown tracks everywhere around here.

He's here somewhere.

- You remind me of my uncle.

He smelled like gasoline too.

- [Robot] Yeah, well, at least that don't smell like shame

and expired body spray.

(Mark chuckles)

Where's the clown, Mark?

If the clown doesn't show up,

I might just decide to become a clown.

(thunder rumbles)

- Let's hope it doesn't come to that.

- [Robot] This place feels like it's waiting for something.

There's a weird quiet in the air.

- Well, you know, Halloween isn't really just one night.

Clown season is in full effect.

(thunder rumbles)

- [Robot] I think maybe I should be doing

something more productive than looking for clowns.

I could be painting or something.

- Check it out.

Clown radiation is off the chart.

(suspenseful music)

- [Robot] He must be nearby.

- They can smell that stuff for like 10 miles.

That's like blood in the water.

So you know the pirate flag, the skull and crossbones,

they call it the Jolly Roger,

and they don't really know where the name came from.

There's two theories, and the second theory

is that it means joli rouge in French,

which is like pretty red.

There's a lot of the old pirate flag

used to be red, first ones.

- [Robot] So what's the other theory then?

- Old Roger was slang for the devil.

- [Robot] Old Roger?

Sounds like a guy who sells cow manure from, from his truck.

(clown squeaks)

- Wait, you hear that? (clown squeaks)

- [Robot] Get ready.

(suspenseful music)

- There he is.

(ominous music)

Whoa.

Geez.

- [Robot] Magnificent.

Look at the posture.

What a specimen.

- Well, this is what the neighborhood needs.

- [Robot] It could have a venomous bite.

Maybe neurotoxic.

Hard to tell without a closer look.

(clown growling)

- Take the shot.

(gun bangs)

(dramatic music)

Fantastic.

He's got the metabolism of a polar bear.

(clown gurgling)

Clown emergency.

Subject is running towards the creek.

In pursuit.

- Use the napalm.

(switch clicks) (radio buzzes)

(napalm booms)

(suspenseful music)

(suspenseful music)

- [Robot] Hey, it's just me.

Get that light out of my eyes.

(suspenseful music)

It's here somewhere.

I know it is.

(suspenseful music continues)

- This place looks where Jerry's mother-in-law lives.

I think it's here.

- Find the chest.

Find it before it wiggles away.

(suspenseful music)

- [Robot] Is he here?

Where's the clown?

- We lost the clown, but we found his hide out.

(suspenseful music continues)

- [Robot] Hey, Mark.

I found it.

It's over here.

- Hey, this doll looks oddly familiar.

(ominous music)

- [Robot] You let him get away.

The clown venom will kill you quickly.

Try not to struggle.

It will make it worse.

(ominous music)

- I'll take this chest back to the clown lab.

(suspenseful music)

- Man, it's like a freaking morgue in here.

You ever think about turning on a radio,

something, anything?

- I like it quiet, okay?

Can't you just go eat somewhere else?

- Yeah. Real exciting life you got here.

- Look, we may have discovered a new type of clown entity.

- Just don't summon anything worse

than your mom's chili, okay? (chuckles)

That's a good one.

(chip crunches)

- It moves.

- Moves?

What moves?

- The thing that's not supposed to.

By all means, finish your chips.

- [Robot] Hey, Mark.

I opened it.

(suspenseful music)

This was Tim's prized possession.

His favorite clown doll.

- So who is Tim exactly?

- [Robot] You don't recognize it?

That little guy used to be on a public access show locally.

Here, I'll show you.

(suspenseful music continues)

(audience applauds)

- [Clown] Are you happy?

- [Doll] Why should I be happy?

- [Clown] Oh, you must be hungry.

- [Doll] No, no, I'm mot hungry.

I'm not hungry. You're stupid.

- [Clown] Stop it. Stop it. Stop it.

You're making me sad.

- [Doll] I'm sorry, daddy.

My friends are coming and I'm nervous.

Do they know your secret?

(suspenseful music continues)

- [Robot] The creator of the show was Tim.

He found that little guy

looking for pirate treasure in The Bahamas.

He went insane and turned into a clown.

- So the, the same clown we just encountered?

- [Robot] Classic clown possession case,

but with a left truck.

- I know the story.

I, I, I, this had real pirate treasure in it.

I can't believe we found this.

- [Robot] Speaking of which,

don't stare into the doll's eyes, if you value your sanity.

- Treasure?

What do you mean treasure?

Actual pirate treasure?

- Yeah, it's kind of a crazy story.

So the legend goes, pirates attack a circus ship.

They claim that they find the source of some vast treasure.

And instead of returning with any gold,

they just shipwrecked.

No treasure, no gold,

and just that doll was found in a chest.

Apparently Tim being Tim goes down there obsessed with it,

finds it, but instead of using it to find treasure,

he makes it a co-host on his cable access freak show.

Real smart investment.

- You know, it was that story that inspired me

to be a clown investigator.

(suspenseful music)

- [Robot] You poor bastard.

(pensive music)

(thunder rumbles)

(suspenseful music)

- [Robot] Don't stare at it directly, Todd.

Look away.

- Todd, don't look at it. Look away.

- You said no one would get hurt?

This is why I can't go to parties anymore.

- [Robot] I'll get the mop.

- Just bury the body like in Afghanistan.

(pensive music)

We might be able to find the pirate treasure.

We can split it in half.

It'll be our little secret.

- My therapist is gonna love this.

So what are you gonna do?

- I'll do what I do best.

I'm gonna go investigate that clown.

(ominous music)

- [Operator] Just kidding.

Thank you for holding.

20% off of all our fog machines until this Saturday.

Check out our selection of masks just past Todd's Field.

- [Announcer] Local authorities are advising residents

to report any suspicious individuals dressed as clowns.

(ominous music)

(door thuds)

(ominous music continues)

(bright music)

(victim screams)

(gun bangs)

(siren blares)

(suspenseful music)

- What are your secrets, little man?

I'm gonna find your treasure and I'm going to spend it all.

Now, if we eliminate the misdated manifests

from the Bahama expeditions we're left charts,

which means theoretically the coordinates

wouldn't have been lost, just misplaced.

Yes, yes, of course.

The treasure wasn't buried at sea.

It was cataloged hidden under false ownership.

And all I need to do is cross reference.

That's why the signatures don't align.

The church was laundering the treasure.

(bright music)

(thunder rumbles)

(suspenseful music)

Ah.

(gun bangs)

Just die.

- Hi.

Yeah. You've reached Mark's house of terrible decisions

sponsored by beer and regret.

- Mark, I have another body for you to bury.

The clown from earlier.

- Jerry, I haven't even got to the other body yet.

- Mark, this thing needs to be taken to the witch.

- I don't wanna split it with another person.

Remember what happened in Morocco?

- I've got this all under control, Mark.

I just need you to be armed.

I just saw our little boyfriend move.

- You mean like the weird doll from the chest?

Don't say boyfriend.

That sounds weird.

- Bury these bodies already.

Bury them, Mark.

Bury the bodies, Mark.

- [Radio Show Host] Involves quite a few actually

all centered around the same area.

Just near the old corn fields around two.

You're on. Go ahead.

- [Caller] I'm out by Todd's Field.

I can see it from my window.

- [Radio Show Host] Okay, take your time.

What are you looking at?

- [Caller] I thought it was a scarecrow at first,

but it's moving.

- [Radio Show Host] Can you describe it?

- [Caller] It's a clown.

(ominous music)

(crickets chirping)

(clown growling)

(ominous music)

(ominous music continues)

(ominous music continues)

(ominous music continues)

- [Witch] Oh, I was wondering when you'd be back.

Are you still afraid of the dark, Jerry?

- I have a sensitivity to poor ventilation.

- [Witch] And yet here you are.

Must be something important.

- There's a spike in clown radiation.

Is now a good time?

- [Witch] Is that what you want?

A good time?

- No, no, no. That's not what I meant.

- [Witch] I can already tell what you want.

Go ahead, say it out loud.

- Okay, so this is gonna sound insane,

but we found a clown doll linked to pirate treasure.

- [Witch] Clowns and gold.

Clowns and gold.

Costumes have power, costumes have power.

- Can we use black magic to find out where the treasure is?

- [Witch] Magic asks for sacrifice.

Gold soaked in blood.

Beware. Pirates don't share.

(pensive music)

(thunder rumbles)

The soul inside something suffers.

If I show it respect and kindness,

it will tell me everything.

- You better show it respect.

The second you don't, it's gonna educate you.

And class starts with your head.

- Kind of Kentucky and pain rise from the table

drive me insane, we seek that gold.

- Whoa, dude.

Did you just see that move?

(witch speaks in foreign language)

(ominous music)

- I, I don't.

I don't think that's what people mean

when they say bury the hatchet.

I guess she got cut from the team.

(suspenseful music)

(pensive music)

(pensive music continues)

(clowns growling)

(pensive music)

- Hello there.

What in the hell is all this?

(suspenseful music)

You need to get the hell off my property.

Oh no.

You can get the fuck outta here right now.

What in the hell?

Get off of my property now.

No, no.

(child chuckles)

- So you going to Jerry's Halloween party this year?

Please don't say a sexy nurse again.

I'm near your house by the way.

- I was gonna go as a sexy pumpkin,

but like all the orange paint

made me look like a giant carrot.

- Cute.

I was thinking like a vampire or something.

Honestly, anything's better than clowns.

- Still scared of clowns?

What are you? Five?

You know they're just people in makeup, right? (chuckles)

- Not always.

Did you hear what happened to Jimmy?

The guy who shoplifted hot dogs?

He was found dead.

(ominous music) (Jimmy screaming)

People are saying it was a killer clown.

- Please.

That's like straight out of a late night cable movie.

Does he drive a tiny car?

- No, I'm not kidding.

They said his face was all painted up weird like a clown.

- Ooh, what if the killer clown doll sneaks into my room

tonight and chokes me in my sleep? (chuckles)

- Don't joke about that.

It's not funny.

- Crikey. (gasping)

- I said it's not funny.

(pensive music)

(ominous music)

(ominous music continues)

(pensive music)

(bright music)

(suspenseful music)

(balloon pops)

(suspenseful music continues)

- Unbelievable.

You let it get away?

This is just like '81, Australia.

There were clowns in the tree screaming.

The Outback lit up like a carnival from hell.

- [Robot] No. Absolutely not.

And this is nothing like Australia.

This is controlled parameters, you dumbass.

- Controlled?

Does this look controlled to you?

(suspenseful music)

- [Robot] These are recent clown related fatalities?

- Where it is.

Clowns attacked a cop too.

I know how you think.

You think about the gold.

You think you wanna find out what happened to Tim

and then you'll get it.

- Get us the clown files from the CIA and we'll cut you in.

- The clown scare a few years back, that wasn't a blip.

That was a war.

The CIA has clown detectors in every ball pit.

Even if I wanted to help you, I couldn't.

They'd be all over me like flies to shit.

(suspenseful music)

But the hell with protocol.

I'm not supposed to show you this, but...

This is the last person who tried

to track down that treasure.

(victim screams)

- [Robot] That's medically impressive and deeply unsanitary.

- He died as he lived, full of crap.

- I'll never forget what you did for me back in Siberia.

So I'm gonna give you this.

That's my lucky clown nose.

Took it off a clown that tried to slit my throat

in the corn fields of Kansas.

It'll keep you alive if you deserve to live.

Stop that.

Stop it now.

Stop it you sick fuck.

- That's BS.

He's just trying to look for the gold for himself.

How many people know about it?

Oh, he's looking for the gold and I know it.

- Hey, we got that lucky clown nose.

That's kind of like treasure.

- I'm missing something.

Clown incidents have increased by 300% in the last 72 hours.

There was a man on Pine Road.

A, a balloon animal tried to strangle him.

- You really think he's masterminding a treasure hunt?

- Mark, we need to stop the clown doll thing first.

This is getting outta hand.

- You mean like this hand?

- Mark, if we don't deal with this clown thing,

we're gonna be dealing with a full scale

clown possession by morning.

- Jerry, we've got this.

We're the clown experts.

Alright, that clown doll's

probably scared somewhere right now.

He knows we're coming after him.

He's probably laying low, not doing anything.

(suspenseful music)

(mellow music)

(singer hums)

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

- Oh. (gasp)

Oh, man.

What are you doing here?

- [Robot] Mark, Focus.

I spoke to Central Cloud Command.

That confirmed what I feared.

There should have been a pyramid inside that chest.

A small one.

I thought I saw one.

- That thing?

Uh, I don't know.

Maybe it was there.

- [Robot] That pyramid isn't just a trinket.

It may be the key.

It's possible it could be used

to access things beyond our dimension.

Another dirty clown trick.

- Access?

What do you mean?

Like open up a clown portal with enough clown radiation.

- [Robot] Exactly.

That pyramid may have reanimated the clown entity.

It could summon others and possibly the gold,

but it may require a blood sacrifice.

(suspenseful music)

I have to go.

We've confirmed a class three clown in the area.

- What's a class three clown

doing this far away from Canada?

- [Robot] Ever since we found that chest

the clown radiation has accelerated.

And, Mark, I saw the security camera footage.

(suspenseful music)

- What security camera?

- [Robot] From the recent clown incident.

A clown broke into a house looking for cotton candy,

instead found the owner, dumped a toxic clown slim

all over the owner's head.

He didn't survive.

It has to be related to that pyramid

or the treasurer or something.

Somehow it's pulling them in.

I've gotta go.

(suspenseful music)

(suspenseful music)

(suspenseful music)

(ominous music)

- Nope.

(suspenseful music)

The clown.

- [Robber] You think I'm falling for the clown bit?

You're trying to be funny.

Give me your wallet.

Whoa, what is that?

Give me that.

Don't you hide it?

Don't you even breathe on it?

Give me that.

(suspenseful music)

Coach never believed in me,

but this thing, this thing believes in me.

(suspenseful music)

(beast growls)

- [Robot] Mark touched the treasure.

What a crime.

Now he will laugh for all time.

Oh no.

Mark, what did you do?

(suspenseful music)

- No, not a ghost, a clown, a doll, a, a thing.

- (laughs) You mean like one of those clown carnival prizes?

- No, dad.

This wasn't funny.

It had a balloon that said soon on it

- Soon. Sounds like a coupon.

Soon what?

- Soon me. Soon us.

I don't know, but I swear it was looking right at me.

(alarm blares)

- Sarah, you've been watching too many

of those late night horror movies again.

It's all the same.

Creepy dolls, killer clowns.

It's probably made in China.

- This isn't a movie.

Do you not believe me?

- You know what?

I'll tell you what I don't believe.

Those gas prices.

- Dad, it's a warning.

I, I think he knows where I live.

- You know what dingoes are?

Australian wild dogs.

They're brought over like 3,000 years ago

by the southeastern Asian pirates or something.

That's what your situation's like.

- It wasn't a dingo.

- Just call animal control, okay?

(suspenseful music)

- Come on down to the Corn Maze.

We've got an all you can eat buffet

on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

What's your favorite food to eat at the Corn Maze?

- Beef jerky, of course.

- Mm, yummy.

(suspenseful music continues)

Beef jerky for breakfast.

- All you can eat buffet

includes 10 different varieties of beef jerky.

- Yum.

- Is this reality?

- Sponsored by the Monster Truck exhibit this Halloween.

(suspenseful music) (door thuds)

(suspenseful music continues)

- (screams) Happy Halloween. Haha haha.

- Not funny.

(suspenseful music)

(suspenseful music continues)

(door thuds)

(suspenseful music continues)

(suspenseful music continues)

(gun bangs)

- Help.

(suspenseful music)

- [News Reporter] Crime is at an all time high.

Another victim today.

Two clown suspects were seen by the gas station

on Carnival Avenue.

More details will arrive shortly.

(suspenseful music)

- Get ready.

She's here.

(suspenseful music)

That'll teach you.

(chuckles) That.

That is how you catch a clown.

(suspenseful music)

The documents mentioned an undocumented third ship,

a phantom ship.

The clown doll was the spiritual conduit to that dimension.

Therefore, the treasure is still accessible.

Just not in this dimension. (clown honks)

Tell me where the pirate treasure is.

- Inner priest.

What are you?

- Don't play circus with me.

- Hong cock. (laughs)

- Think this is a joke?

(suspenseful music)

Last, last chance.

(clown honks)

You see this, clown?

(clown honks)

Water from the IRS's break room.

Completely devoid of fun and whimsy.

Tell me where the gold is.

Daddy Jerry needs a new yacht.

- Lean in, Jerry boy.

(clown laughs)

The treasure's up your ass. (laughs)

(suspenseful music)

(phone rings)

- Hello?

Mark did what?

Oh, okay. Hold on.

I'll be there in a minute. Damn it.

(ominous music)

(suspenseful music)

(suspenseful music continues)

(suspenseful music continues)

(clowns growling)

(gun bangs)

- My house is just down this road.

We can hide from the clowns for a while.

(pensive music)

You finally get to do some artwork.

- [Robot] It's kind of fun.

I'm trying to follow inspiration.

I remember you talking about being inspired

by your first clown encounter.

- Yeah, I definitely remember that.

(gentle music)

So what's your inspiration for this painting?

- [Robot] Uh, Satan.

(pensive music)

- Look, I'm really sorry about stealing that pyramid.

I thought I could do something.

I don't know.

- [Robot] It's okay.

It wanted to be stolen.

It probably hacked your brain or something.

- I guess.

Speaking of which, I made a little extra money lately

and I got you a present.

- [Robot] No way.

- [Mark] Go ahead open it.

- [Robot] Oh yeah.

Oh, this is wicked.

Everybody get down. (chuckles)

(gun bangs)

- Careful.

(suspenseful music)

(suspenseful music)

(siren blares)

(glass shatters)

(victim screams)

(clown honks)

(suspenseful music)

(ominous music)

(horn honks)

- I love you too, baby.

Ah, stop it. Stop it.

You know I'm tickles there.

Oh gosh. (chuckles)

(doorbell dings)

Mark?

- Jerry, did you order pizza?

- No.

- Well, someone's at the door.

(suspenseful music)

- Guess what?

You're gonna die.

It's time to die with the clowns.

Time to die.

(bright music)

(object clanks)

(suspenseful music)

- [Robot] That wasn't me.

I'll check it out.

(suspenseful music)

I just cleaned this bathroom.

(clown growling)

You wanna call a plumber or a priest?

(suspenseful music)

- [Clown] Oh god, help me.

Oh god, help.

Help me, help.

Help me.

- That's okay.

(suspenseful music)

(suspenseful music continues)

(clown growls)

(gun clicks)

Calm down, Jerry.

It's still not as bad as band camp.

(pensive music)

I think I know where the gold is.

(gun clicks)

(gun bangs)

(chainsaw buzzes)

(gun clicks)

Hey, you want this?

Go get it.

(clown growls)

Jerry, come on. Let's go.

Come on.

What are you doing?

Come on, let's go.

(dramatic music)

- It's time to die.

(suspenseful music)

(pensive music)

- Nothing like a little midnight cardio.

Thanks for helping me out this time.

- [Robot] Man, I don't even know what to say anymore.

This has been the craziest clown adventure we've been on.

I can't stand the smell of wet clown.

I'm gonna have to scrub everything.

What were you gonna do with all the money?

I mean, if you found the treasure,

- I don't know, like a long-term treasury bond fund,

like an ATF or something.

Just kidding.

I wanted like a statue of Bigfoot

and like me fighting Bigfoot and like a waterbed.

- [Robot] That's what I'm talking about. Yeah.

(gun bangs)

- Any chance the gold was on that when it blew up?

- [Robot] Let's go check it out.

(pensive music)

(pensive music continues)

(pensive music continues)

(pensive music continues)