Original subtitles

(upbeat music)

- If you're gonna do role play,

you have to do it completely.

You have to get every detail right.

Oh, hello.

But it's not just about the clothes, or the props,

you have to work out how he wants to feel,

get inside his head, find the spark of the fantasy, fan it

till it's on fire. (fire whooshing)

("You Know I'm No Good" by Amy Winehouse)

(doorbell buzzing)

I have been expecting you.

- Hello, you don't have to start yet.

- Oh, right, okay, sorry.

Come up, it's Flat 23.

I'm actually quite nervous.

He spent as much time thinking about the detail of this

as the average girl spends thinking about the detail

of her wedding, so no pressure.

(man knocking)

- Hello, I'm Stuart.

- Hi, come in.

I'm Belle.

- You got everything okay? - I did.

- You look incredible. - Thank you.

- Let me give you this.

- Thank you.

- So, shall I have a shower and get changed?

- That'd be great.

- I think it's gonna be really good.

- It's just through there.

- Shall I use this as the front door?

I'll knock to come in and then we'll start.

- Yeah.

- You know the script? - I hope so.

- Don't worry, you'll be fine, see you in a minute.

(upbeat mysterious music) (gunshot booming)

Olga.

What's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?

- I could ask the same of you, Mr. Bond.

- Please, call me James.

- Mr. Preznakov would like to welcome you with a drink.

- Are you sure he wouldn't like you to frisk me first?

- Oh, yeah, I'm sorry. - It's all right, don't worry.

- I would like to make sure you come to us

with the best intentions.

- You certainly seem to come to me with the best intentions.

- Aha,

now

the drink.

- Dry martini.

Shaken, not stirred.

- The secret ingredient.

- Vodka? - Da.

- How do you take it?

- Stiff and ice-cold.

- Unconventional.

- Why don't we enjoy these drinks

somewhere more comfortable?

(glasses clinking)

- Mm.

- Now, Mr. Bond.

Let me show you

some Russian

hospitality.

- Perhaps your hospitality could extend to a discussion

about Mr. Preznakov's plans for his mining interests

in Siberia.

I thought something was spoiling the line of the dress.

(Belle moaning) (Stuart moaning)

Oh, the drink,

I feel woozy. (Belle laughing)

- Sorry. (laughs manically)

- Make it stop.

Fetch my adrenaline shot from my jacket.

I won't have you taking advantage of me.

I'm being tracked from London,

they know just where I am.

- Now I have you at my mercy, Mr. Bond.

- [Stuart] Olga. (grunts)

heavens no.

("Don't Say Nothing" by Lina)

♪ Feelin' kind of woozy ♪

- In Russia-- - The drink--

- We say it is the men who are the weaker sex.

- No, Olga.

♪ So if you ain't got nothing good to say ♪

♪ Don't say nothing at all ♪

(Stuart moaning)

- Now we shall be unstoppable.

(tense mysterious music)

- Olga?

Olga!

- Why have you returned?

- Oh, it's okay, We've stopped, Belle.

- What, oh, sorry!

- No, don't be, that was incredible.

You were magic.

- I was really, I was worried I would get something wrong.

- No, not at all, I mean, you gave it 500%.

- Aw, thanks.

- No, thank you for all the hard work you've put in,

I mean I really appreciate it.

- Think nothing of it, I really enjoyed myself.

- Great, yeah, thought you did.

Great.

I was wondering, could I book another appointment?

- Sure.

- Have you seen "The Prisoner"?

- I'll get the box set.

- Brilliant.

(tense uptempo music)

- Duncan's taking me to the opera.

I know, but I'm gonna be really into it for all four hours.

500%.

(upbeat music)

- Hey.

- [Ben] Hello.

- This is Duncan.

- Right.

Hello.

You guys didn't need to dress up for little old me.

- I'm taking her to the opera.

- Lovely.

- It's great to meet you finally.

I've heard a lot about you.

- As have I about you.

- Great.

- So what can I get you?

- Red? - Mm-hmm (affirmative).

- Do you have a wine list? - We do.

- May I recommend you one? - Okay.

- The Malbec's really good.

- No, I think two glasses of the Blaufrankisch, please.

- Actually, that's only by the bottle.

- That's okay, bottle's fine.

- So how's work?

- Work's work.

Would you like to try this?

- [Duncan] No, I'm sure it'll be great.

(wine glugging)

- Thanks.

- [Duncan] So, Hannah tells me that the book was your idea?

- Not really.

- No, it was.

- We should give you a finder's fee.

- Really, I'm fine.

Excuse me.

- He seems nice. - Yeah.

- Is he all right?

- Yeah, I think he's just got a bit of PMT.

- Well.

Cheers.

Here's to a great night.

- Cheers. (glasses clinking)

Oh, great.

- Byron, hello.

- Hi. Duncan.

- Byron's,

Byron's going out with a-- - Engaged to.

- Engaged to a friend of mine. - Yeah.

- She's got an appointment.

She said she'd be there for ages so I thought I'd come here.

Yeah, it's a bit confusing sometimes

going out with a prostitute.

Do you find it confusing going out with a prostitute?

- Well-- - What a question.

- I actually don't.

- We're going to Harbay's tonight.

- So, everything all right with your wine, Duncan?

- Yes, thank you, it's delicious.

- I'm really glad to hear that.

- Actually, we should probably leave.

- Yeah, you wouldn't wanna miss the opera.

- No.

- Well, I hope you enjoy it.

- [Duncan] We will, thanks for the drink.

- Oh, thanks for the tip.

- Thanks for the support.

(upbeat music) (gunshot booming)

(melodic opera music)

Thanks for bringing me.

- Enjoying it?

- Very much.

You?

- Yeah, the music's great.

So you like Gunag?

- Honestly, I don't really know that much about him.

- I thought you were really into it.

- I thought you were.

- Not really, no.

- Huh.

'Cause in your book you say it's really frustrating

that you only ever get to see the first half of an opera,

'cause the client always wants to go back to the hotel.

So I thought I'd bring you along,

you could see the whole thing.

- Baby, you did it for me!

You hate it, don't you?

- But I'm staying for the second half.

I'm going to stand in solidarity with all the escorts

who never get to find out what happens in the end.

- I hate it too.

- Great, he dies in the end.

Let's finish these, get out of here,

- And then you can tell me all about 007.

- Okay, deal.

- So how many operas have you seen the first half of?

- Pretty much all of them.

We get brought here all the time.

- So this bar is full of escorts.

- Well, I don't know about full, but yeah.

- Go on, then, where?

- Oh, you wanna play Guess The Escort?

- Yeah, okay,

- okay, Fiver?

- Done. - Great.

(bell ringing) (people talking)

Okay, you first, quick.

- Okay.

Her.

- That's his daughter, you pervert.

- Oh, yeah.

Her, definitely.

- No, I'd pick her over there.

- Really? - Yeah.

- How do we know who's right?

- Well, we just see who doesn't go back in.

- No, that's good.

Look, they're going back in.

Definitely.

Oh.

Oh.

(Hannah laughing)

- Cough up.

Thank you.

- Shall we?

- You know that now we just look like punter and escort?

- Well, we'll go back in.

- No, no.

- Desperate!

(upbeat music)

- Should work somewhere like this.

Really nice.

- Cheerio.

- Cheers.

- So.

Did you and Belle used to be kind of (whistles).

- Yeah, we might've.

- That must make it a bit weird.

- Not really.

She's my best mate.

- That's good, that's good.

Why, do you think we should?

- No.

I don't know.

- Just let it go, you think.

Let's finish these up, and get out of here.

- Yeah, after we do shots.

- Yeah, after we do shots. (glasses clinging)

(car engine growling) (brakes screeching)

♪ If the one you love don't treat you right sometimes ♪

- I'll get drinks. - Okay, I'll get a table.

- Okay.

Hi, can I have a bottle of Burgundy and two glasses, please?

- [Bartender] Sure.

- Thank you.

Excuse me.

- [Man] Sorry.

♪ If the one you love stays out ♪

♪ ♪ If the one you love stays a little longer ♪

- Ah.

Burgundy, lovely.

What was that?

- Yeah, it doesn't matter.

- Who was it?

Did you enjoy the opera?

- He's a client.

- Yeah, I did, particularly enjoyed its brevity.

- Me too.

He's not, he's not the Bond guy?

- What did you think of the singer?

- Well,

I thought the tenor was quite interesting,

but he didn't really look the way

I expected an opera singer to look.

- Stop it, please.

- Do you wanna go and sit over there?

- Yeah, that'd be great.

- You okay?

- That was quite weird.

I'm fine, let's just move on,

and I'm sorry you had to see him.

You're not gonna be weird, are you?

- No, I'm not gonna be anything.

- Do you run into clients often?

- I actually don't, I think that was the first time.

- Duncan. - Sorry, sorry.

It's just he's hardly Daniel Craig, is he?

- Please, can we just leave it?

- Not even Timothy Dalton.

- All right, I'm gonna get a glass of water.

(upbeat soul music)

♪ It's all right now ♪

- Can I see the wine list, please?

♪ It's all right now ♪

This is awkward.

- I'm really sorry.

- I don't want my wife to notice anything.

♪ It's all right now ♪

- Can I get a glass of still mineral water, please?

We could leave, if it's easier.

No, it's just you keep looking at me.

- God, I'm really sorry, I didn't mean to.

- Of course you didn't, I must admit,

I can't stop thinking about it.

A glass of Sancerre and a glass of Sierra, please.

Thank you.

Stop thinking about our next appointment.

- I'm really looking forward to it too.

- I can send you that box set, darling.

- I've already ordered it.

- You must let me reimburse you.

- Oh no, don't worry, it's fine.

- Everything all right?

- Yeah, everything's fine.

- I'm just getting a drink.

- It's just, I'm her boyfriend.

She's not at work now.

- Duncan!

- I don't want to interfere,

but it would be really good if you could respect that.

- He does respect it, why don't you sit down?

- No, I don't want any, sorry.

- Well done, you just lost me a client.

- I was trying to help.

- I don't need rescuing.

- I thought that guy was hassling you.

- You never bust a client ever.

- Evening.

- Evening.

Everyone having a good time?

How's your evening panning out?

- [Hannah] Ben.

- Ours is panning out really well.

- Some of the best panning I've ever seen.

- Please, not now.

- Look, mate, why don't you go and sit somewhere else?

- Listen, mate.

Mate.

We wanted to talk to you.

- Yeah, we did, we did. - Yeah.

- Ben.

- We wanted to talk to you. - We did, we did.

- What are you doing here?

- Well, we wanted to talk to you, actually.

- We've written a book too.

t's called "Duncan is a Prick".

- Oh, you wanker.

- And inside we did. - A picture of a prick.

- I'd never do this to you.

Never intrude on a relationship of yours.

- What about when I fucked your sister?

- Is your sister a prostitute too?

- Ben.

- Hey, I'm just trying to have a quiet drink?

- Quiet drink, yeah.

All right, don't manhandle him, yeah.

He's my best man.

He's my best man.

- Really?

- Is that okay? - Yeah!

- Please, would you just leave?

- Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

We're just gonna have a quiet drink.

- Look, Ben, I don't know what I've done to you,

but why don't we sit down

when you're a bit more sober, have a coffee?

- I'm.

You're sober, I might be,

but in the morning

I'll be sober.

Yeah.

- Right, we're leaving now? - Yeah.

This isn't over.

Yeah, you're probably right.

- Why don't you stay and have a drink?

Get your sister along?

Ooh!

Another round?

- Yeah.

("Babylon" by Angus & Julia Stone)

♪ So rest your head ♪

♪ You're all mine ♪

(sirens wailing)

♪ I don't want to ♪

♪ Be alone ♪

- Have you got anything to say?

- I'm sorry if your night was spoiled.

- It was spoiled, yeah, it was.

- I don't remember what happened.

- [Hannah] You're gonna apologize?

- I have apologized. - No, you haven't.

- Do you know what, ever since this book came out,

it's like you're pretending to be this whole other person.

Going to the Opera, hanging out with people like him.

You should remember who your real friends are.

- I can't believe you're trying to making this about me.

- Yeah, that's usually your job, isn't it?

- All right, that's nice, Ben, I'll see you later.

- Fine, go, do you know what, Hannah?

I give up on you, Hannah, I give up on you completely.

- Do you know what?

I give up on you.

I've had enough, I just give up.

(somber music)

I've spent all this time writing about clients,

but I wonder what it's like to be a client.

- Well, I wish I could be reckless

and act like another prick every now and again,

but running a company, I can't.

It's just research.

(Hannah screaming)

Duncan will be fine about it, won't he?

("You Know I'm No Good" by Amy Winehouse)