Original subtitles

- What's going on here, Belle?

What are you tryna say to the reader?

- I want you.

(gentle upbeat music)

I think about you at night.

- It just feels a bit stuck.

Like you've hit a wall.

Look, I think it's great. - But?

- Well, maybe we just need a different tack.

Like, what is kinky?

Why does different do it for some men?

Could you find someone unusual?

Would you be up for that?

- Yeah.

I mean, yeah, I'd very, very up for that.

("You Know I'm No Good")

- Duncan shouldn't be trying to pair you up

with some weirdo.

He's your editor, yeah, he's not your pimp.

- No, it's just research.

- Hannah, you're on his books to make money.

That's what you are to him, a cash cow.

- Well, that's sweet, Ben, and really nicely put!

How's your lovely girlfriend,

by the way? (food processor whirring)

All right, all right!

How's my lovely sister, by the way?

(sighs) It wasn't meant to go on like this.

You know, develop.

There is a traditional way of dealing with that, Ben.

We call it finishing with someone.

- Why don't you help me here?

You're her sister.

- It's better coming from you.

- [Hannah] What?

- Yeah, if you spoke to her for me,

mean she'd have you there, wouldn't she?

For support.

- No way, your problem, you deal with it.

- Hi, Ben. - Hey.

- Hi, babes.

- So, how's that rich guy? You still seeing him?

- No, although he did stay at mine last night.

He just needed somewhere to crash.

- Did he pay you?

- Course not, it was a laugh.

- He's taking the piss, Bambi.

- I'm happy, is that a crime?

God, I hope I never turn out like you.

- What? - A cynical old prozzie.

- I just don't want you to get hurt.

- You don't even know him.

- Well, I know that he's loaded,

and I know he's not paying you.

And the longer this goes on,

the worse it'll be when it goes wrong.

- And it has to go wrong, does it?

Yeah, it is me we're talking about, isn't it?

- No, it's not you, it's just the job.

- Well, maybe they'll be the exception to the rule.

- Yeah, maybe.

(plastic sheet crackles)

(upbeat music)

So, I located Mr. Kinky Sexy.

Des.

Now, I have to warm the custard to body temperature.

(microwave pipping)

How am I supposed to know when?

Why didn't I listen in cookery?

Now, for this client, I have to look impeccable.

(door knocking)

Hi, Des. - Hi, Belle.

Good to meet you.

You look nice.

- [Hannah] Aww.

Oh, this is for you before I forget.

- Thanks, Des. - There we are.

May I, uh?

- Oh. (both chuckling)

- Thanks, lovely.

Oh, I've got a change of clothes with me.

Thanks for getting dressed up.

Oh, that is a lovely spread!

- Perfect. - Yeah?

- I made it!

- Really?

Fantastic!

And this is your first time, is it?

- Yeah. - Oh, that's brilliant.

It's great when someone new comes to it.

You are gonna love it.

It's just about letting go, you know.

Is there somewhere I can pop this?

- Oh, yeah, yeah.

- It's just in there. - Oh, right.

Sploshing,

the art of getting wet and down and dirty.

(upbeat music)

(Des giggles)

- I might just.

Yeah, great.

♪ My boy lollipop ♪

♪ You make my heart go giddy up ♪

♪ You taste as sweet as candy ♪

♪ You're my sugar dandy ♪

(food squelching) (both groaning)

- Oh, that's wicked, that is.

- Good.

Good.

- I'm into everything, me.

You know.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

- Mud. - Mmm.

- Water. - Yeah, yeah.

- Beans. (Hannah moans)

- Pasta.

- Beans!

Pasta!

(Des groans)

- My ex-girlfriend,

we used to see how many beans we could fit in her bikini.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

- I'd like beans in my bikini.

(Hannah chuckles) (table thudding)

- Oh.

Oh, you dirty girl!

- [Hannah] Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

(food squelching) (both groaning)

- Oh, hang about, you're going to make me cum.

- [Hannah] Is that a problem?

- No, no, it's uh.

Are you ready for some?

- Yeah. - (laughs) Great.

Right, choose any of them.

Throw it at me.

Aim for the face.

- Okay.

Are you ready for this?

- Oh, no don't.

♪ And I'll never let you go ♪ (pie squelches)

- Wow!

(pie squelches) (Hannah gasps)

(Hannah gasping) (Hannah thuds)

- My eyes, I can't see!

- Oh, hang on.

- Here, here's a towel. - Oh, thanks.

(Hannah groans)

- [Des] Are you all right?

- (panting) Yeah, I just...

(Hannah groans)

- Right. - Are you all right?

- Yeah.

Okay.

What shall we do now, then?

- Oh, I don't mind.

You choose. - No, no, no, you choose.

- Beans? - Beans? (panting)

- You're gonna love this.

- Yeah, I can feel I am.

- Top or bottom? - Surprise me!

- Knickers then.

- Okay! - Turn round.

(Hannah panting)

- Right, right.

(Hannah yells) (food squelching)

- (moaning) Is that all of them?

- Oh, no, no, no, I'm just seeing how you like it.

- Okay. - A bit faster or slower?

- I really don't mind.

There's more, is there?

- You're not enjoying any of this, are you?

- No, no, no, I am!

It's just getting used to the texture.

- No then, look.

There's no point carrying on if you don't like it.

- No, it's just (panting),

just my ankle, then my eye, the cream.

- Well, it's only cream.

- Yeah.

- Look, I think I better clean up and go.

It's obviously not your thing.

- I just think I'm not the right girl

to splosh with. (laughs)

- All right. - All right. (panting)

How am I gonna write that up?

I'm gonna need some help.

A firm editorial hand.

What?

(upbeat music)

The rules are there to be broken.

Now what I'm about to do requires courage, focus

and most important of all the right

shoes.

I love you.

- Hello.

- Hi.

Where is everyone?

- Oh, they're at a sales conference.

The event of the year.

- But you're not there?

- No.

- Won't you be missed?

- Oh, lots of people telling each other how fantastic

their departments are isn't my idea of fun.

- What is your idea of fun, Duncan?

- That dress, the cut of it.

How would you get into something like that?

- It's got a zip.

Here, see?

(Duncan sighs)

And the shoes?

Do you like these?

- Yeah, they're great.

Very, um--

- Fuckable?

- I was gonna say vintage.

- Duncan.

- Belle.

- Can we just tell the truth?

- That's a big ask for this time of day.

But we can try.

You go first.

(upbeat music)

(lips smacking)

- Sorry, that was

a really bad idea, wasn't it?

- Yeah, that was, um,

really

terrible.

(stationary clattering)

(both groaning)

(both panting)

(water sloshing)

- This is great isn't it?

I thought you said a picnic.

- Jackie?

- Yeah?

- I can't do this. - You can.

You're doing it, look.

It's only like riding a bike.

- No, I mean us.

- Oh, right.

Right.

(gentle music)

(Jackie sighs)

♪ Help, I've done it again ♪

♪ I have been here many times before ♪

- Hiya, I got you a bike.

- Yeah?

- But I forgot to buy a bloody lock thing for it,

so we'd best get it up there quick, anyway.

You all right, you look a bit?

- I need to talk to you.

- Okay.

(bike horn honking)

♪ Hold me, wrap me up ♪

♪ Enfold me, I am small ♪

- What?

- You can't just turn up here.

♪ Warm me up ♪

- Well, you're scaring me now.

- No, please, I'm serious. - What, don't.

- We met because you wanted to pay me for sex.

And now, now--

- Now we don't have to do all that.

- No, no, we don't.

But we're in very different positions here.

You were my client and I'm a prostitute, and that's never

gonna go away. - I don't care.

- Not now, but you will.

And it will be worse because we'll be totally involved.

I don't wanna get hurt like that.

- I won't hurt you.

- You don't know that.

- Is it because you think I'm odd?

- No.

- No, no, it's not you. - Stupid fucking bike!

- I have to go, I'm late for a client.

(somber music)

♪ Well I recall his parting words ♪

♪ Must I accept his fate ♪

♪ Or take myself far from this place ♪

♪ I thought I heard a black bell toll ♪

♪ A little bird did sing ♪

♪ Man has no choice ♪

♪ When he wants every thing ♪

(Bambi sobbing)

♪ We´ll rise above the scarlet tide ♪

♪ That trickles down through the mountain ♪

♪ And separates the widow from the bride ♪

- Well that was not the afternoon I was expecting. (laughs)

- How are you?

- I am very.

Uh, very.

Can't think of the word.

- Call yourself an editor.

- Do you have to be anywhere?

- No.

- Good.

- You?

- No.

But we should probably. (phone ringing)

They'll be coming back soon.

- Really?

- Well, most of them will go to the pub,

but one or two of the keen boys might not.

The poetry lot.

Do you need a cab?

- No, I'm fine, I'll just walk.

- You sure?

- Yeah.

It's been nice being with you.

- Sounds a bit final.

- Wasn't meant to.

- You're probably right, one-offs are always the best.

♪ I was trying to fool you when I'm crawling up that door ♪

♪ And there's a tune at things you say that you don't do ♪

♪ Why don't you wreck ♪

♪ I was feeling lonely, feeling blue ♪

(upbeat jazz music)

- Hey.

♪ When a fool falls in love ♪

- Hey!

- Hey.

- What's the matter?

- Nothing.

Finished it with Jackie.

- You don't look elated.

Oh my God, please don't tell me you realize she's the one.

I don't think I could take it after the day I've had.

- No, she's not the one.

I just don't feel particularly good about it.

Or myself.

- Well, you had to end it sometime, didn't you?

- So why has your day been shit?

- Well, I.

I had a client who almost blinded me, wasn't great.

And then I saw Duncan.

- You shagged him, didn't you?

- Did I?

Did I?

I probably think I did, yep.

- Well, it's what you wanted, wasn't it?

- Yeah, sort of.

- What you've gone off him now that he's into you?

- No, no, it's the opposite, he's not into me.

It was just a quick.

Well, it wasn't quick.

Actually, It was pretty slow. - I don't want to know.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Now you know how I felt about Jackie.

At least Duncan's not your sister.

That's nice.

- You have one slice.

- I will.

Jackie?

Jack?

(intercom buzzing)

- Bambi? - Can I come up?

- Yeah, okay.

(intercom beeps)

(answer machine beeps)

- [Jackie] Hi, Han, it's me, I'm home.

Patrick wants to talk,

I guess we've got a lot to talk about.

Anyhow, look, thanks for having me.

And by the way, your best friend's a wanker.

(answer machine beeps)

(cork pops) - Oh.

- I did it.

I told Byron, you know, that it just wasn't gonna work out.

- How did he take it?

- Uh, all right.

- I really do think it's just better to cut him off

before you get too into him.

- Yeah, I suppose.

All for the best. - Yeah.

- Cheers.

- Cheers.

Who needs boys?

When you've got girls and Champagne?

- Have you been making toast?

- No, I just got in, why, do you want some?

- No, no, I can smell it.

- Yeah, so can I.

I think it's coming from outside.

Oh my God!

(both chuckle)

- Byron!

Byron!

(gentle upbeat music)

♪ Raindrops are falling on my head ♪

(thunder rumbling) (rain pattering)

♪ And just like the guy whose feet are too big for his bed ♪

♪ Nothing seems to fit ♪

♪ Those raindrops are falling on my head, they keep falling ♪

- Wasn't meant to rain.

♪ So I just did me some talking to the sun ♪

♪ And I said I didn't like the way he got things done ♪

♪ Sleeping on the job ♪

- [Hannah] What is kinky?

Something with kinks or twists.

Well, that's all of us, isn't it?

It's just a matter of finding who fits with your kinks.

To be loved unconditionally.

That would be something.

♪ Won't defeat me, it won't be long ♪

♪ Till happiness steps up to greet me ♪

♪ Raindrops keep falling on my head ♪

♪ But that doesn't mean my eyes will soon be turning red ♪

♪ Crying's not for me ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm never gonna stop the rain by complaining ♪

- Hey, it's Belle.

I just wanted to say, could we try again?

(upbeat music)

(cake squelches) (Hannah yells)

(both laughing)

- You're angry with me.

- We're acting as though nothing happening,

and frankly, I just find that bit odd.

- What you fancy doing today?

- What you in the mood for?

- Bit everything.

I'll let you decide.

Do you never fancy settling down?

- No, I can't have a boyfriend?

- Well, I have to warn you,

I'm a complete and utter nightmare.

- Is this suppose to be some challenge?

- Maybe.

("You Know I'm No Good")