Original subtitles

[music playing]

(SINGING) All I know is what I feel

And what I feel ain't just a dream

It's oh so real

in my suffering in the street

There's too much pain

Good morning, my queen.

Good morning, Ding Dong.

I think today could be a special one for you.

I think you're right, Pammy.

I found some backwash in this one.

[burps]

Nice.

Come on, Dinger.

I'm serious.

I sense a change coming, something for the better.

Pammy, you're the only thing that's good for me.

No, Dinger, something really good for you.

Just be open to it.

So now you've got to go to the other guy, huh?

Hey, come on, sweetie, don't be jealous.

You know you're my only fully interactive fantasy.

Just remember, carpe diem.

Carpe diem.

God, I love it when you talk dirty to me.

You are the sexiest thing that's ever been on this beach.

[statica, "carry my amp"]

(SINGING) All the young punks

All the young studs

Think they're so hunk

Swinging a stump

I've been around for a while

But nothing new

Before I fade away

There's something you can do.

Hey, man, won't you carry my amp?

Make yourself useful and give me a hand

I'll show you the ropes

If you carry my amp

You think I can't rock

But, yes, I can

Fourth man on Tuesday night

A fog machine and a colored light

Backdrop and we're taking the stage

Me and my amp, we're going to rage

Hey, man, can you carry my amp?

Make yourself useful and give me a hand

I'll show you the ropes

If you carry my amp

You think I can't rock,

But, yes, I can

Hey, man, carry my amp

Hey man, carry my amp

Carry my amp

Waves, palm trees, man.

My kind of school.

Yo, who's this babe right here?

Hi, handsome.

How are you?

You look beautiful.

Thank you.

Yeah, you're no Aunt Carla.

You've got body karate.

That's Tasty, and that's Stupid.

Oh, no no no, no.

Those aren't names for good students.

All right, you guys know the drill.

Free room, board, and tutoring in exchange

for some really hard work.

I'd say you could take a lesson from our resident surf pro,

but, unfortunately, he's little comatose these days.

You guys heard of Dinger Doolittle?

Dinger Doolittle, the former world champ?

Yeah, the guy used to be my hero.

Now he'd be Lindsay Lohan's hero.

[laughter]

Hi, Carla.

Hi, girls.

I see the boys are here.

We are going swimming now, so maybe after you unpack

you want to cool off, yeah?

Yeah.

OK, we go unpack, yah?

Yah.

We are going fishing for Swedish Fish.

20-- 21.

[keys jingling]

[music playing] I like Black girls, white girls,

even Puerto Ricans

But the Mexicans and Cubans are also freaky

I like them in dresses with big old chestes

I also like the style--

[water splashing]

[light music]

(SINGING) She lives in Miami with a Latin descent

And being with this girl is on my time to be spent

Ready to play?

Ready.

[giggles]

Ya, you boys are such good, strong swimmers.

Yeah, wonderful!

[both giggles]

You boys want to play pool game?

Yeah.

[laughs]

Strip poker!

That is not pool game.

Oh, with you and some plastic cards, it is.

Yeah.

[laughs]

INGA: I am Inga.

RIKKI: I am Rikki.

I can move.

No need.

As long as you let me read in peace.

You're not Swedish.

And you're not letting me read in peace.

Sorry.

RIKKI: We were thinking about playing Marco Polo, uh, we

against you.

Oh, OK.

And we come and grab you.

BOTH: Yah!

Whoa.

I'm in.

Whoa, I'm in.

[laughing]

Yeah.

But, I think, this makes the game more--

fun?

BOTH: Yah!

[snickers] Oh, yah.

Yah!

[snickering] Whoa.

Whoa.

Yah.

Yah.

BOYS: Yah.

Yah?

OK, let's play.

Yah.

I could I ask them to stop.

You could, but you won't.

You're a surfer.

Not exactly in your character.

[chuckles]

Bye.

DOOBIE: Marco.

TASTY: Marco.

Polo.

Marco.

Polo.

Marco.

[laughs]

Marco.

Polo.

Marco.

Marco!

[sloshing]

Marco.

Polo.

Polo.

Marco.

Marco.

[sloshing]

Marco.

Polo.

Marco.

Polo.

Marco.

Marco.

Polo.

Marco.

Marco.

Polo.

[water splashing]

Whoa.

Was I just dreaming?

Are you knuckleheads ready to surf Costa Rica?

[b-side players, "alegria"]

Whoo-hoo!

[singing in spanish]

Bro, I think I saw a mermaid.

Dude, those waves are carved out of marble.

Dude, I just--

I can't believe how warm this water is.

I told you, knuckleheads, Costa Rica, baby!

[snickering]

Dude, I can't wait to meet Dinger.

(SINGING) I'm so hot, so hot I can't wear pants

I'm so hot, I have no time--

Hans!

--for romance

Looks like you got a cocktail frank in there.

Or maybe it's a little wiener schnitzel.

[laughs]

(SINGING) Well, I am so hot, I can't go into the city

The women and the men and even dogs think I'm too pretty

[laughs]

(SINGING) Yes, I'm so hot--

Hans, get out of here.

(SINGING) You would like to take a chance

I'm so hot, I think it's time I did a dance, ah

And I am so hot, I am too hot for my [bleep]

My [bleep] hangs so low, it's like an onion in a sock, hah

[laughs]

(SINGING) And I'm so hot, you'll do anything I please

My acid is so hot, it could bring you to your knees

I don't think FedEx even delivers a package that small.

(SINGING) I'm so hot

TASTY: Forget school and just surf.

DOOBIE: Shred.

One day you'll learn about priorities, Tasty.

Life's not just about catching waves.

Oh-hoh.

That's the day that Doobie and I say, check, please.

We're gonna go to pipeline heaven in the sky.

Thank you.

It's like surf or die, brother.

Hey, guys, let's go talk to Dinger Doolittle.

Ah, Dinger!

[soft creamy music]

PAMELA ANDERSON: Hey, Ding-Dong.

I think today could be a special one for you.

DINGER: European men will no longer

be allowed to wear Speedos on the beach.

Thank God.

Because if I see another banana hammock around here,

I'll never eat fruit again.

[beeps]

Whoa!

Who the heck are you, squids?

We came to meet you.

We're helping out Carla.

Now, that's a woman that the Dinger needs to get

to know up close and personal.

Because she is one tasty tuna tartar.

She's a sexy salmon surprise.

Just the classiest clam I've ever-- oh.

DOOBIE: [snickers]

Who are you again?

Kyle.

Her nephew.

Oh, magnificent woman.

Upstanding character.

I mean, I've never even thought about playing

hiding the halibut with her, or fondle the flounder,

or grinding the grouper on her.

OK, got it.

Got it.

[snickers]

Aunt Carla tell you about Brad,

the butt-munching butt-muncher?

No.

Who is that?

[snorts] Some ex-surf pro's ass I used to kick on the reg.

Now, he inherited all of his daddy's dinero,

and he bought up half this coast.

And your aunt's fallen behind on her payments.

That's why she needed the help.

Yep.

Your Aunt Carla sure got her tit in the wringer.

KYLE: What?

Whoa.

That was just a metaphor.

I would never talk about your aunt's gorgeous guavas

like that.

I mean, with the ample size of those merry melons,

I don't think I could even get them in a wringer.

What?

Uh, who?

Hey, before Carla has a titty tantrum, check out this shit

I swiped from my dad.

Woo-hoo!

[snickers]

All right.

Home-brewed.

Dad keeps it in the garage refrigerator at 38 degrees.

Smell it.

Whoa.

Dude, it smells like gasoline and vomit.

Right?

Old school potent shit.

[laughs]

You know my dad used to be a pimp in the '70s?

Nice.

He said this would set him up for the takedown every time.

Yeah.

Would definitely take a girl down, that's for sure.

Might kill one, too.

Yeah!

Take it down treasure lane.

Whoo-hoo-hah.

What do you two have on?

[snickers] It's his dad's super pimp potion.

Well, it smells more like gasoline and vomit.

TASTY: See, it just takes time for it

to work on hot babes like you, you know?

Honey, I don't have enough time in the day for that.

OK?

Now, you two go shower before I hose you off myself.

Yeah, but how are you gonna go crazy for us

with hot teacher desire?

Hamilton!

You wanna watch us take a shower?

Um, you can do it later.

[snickers]

[guitar playing]

(SINGING) Sweet Costa Rica [spanish]

Sweet Costa Rica

Everything gonna be all right

Sat up and close my eyes

Found it

Hey, bro, sit down, man.

You know, you're a real artist out there, huh?

Ripping it up.

I can feel it.

I can see it.

I mean, that's what brought me here.

Six months ago, dude.

[sighs] Working at a Pizza Hut, making $6 an hour.

And I came to this ledge, right, and I looked down,

and it was a long way to go.

And I just--

I chose to fly, man.

And if I was to sit back on that ledge and not jump,

I might have been waiting a lifetime.

[scoffs] And a lifetime is long time to wait, bro.

[guitar strumming]

This is a conscious revolution.

[guitar strumming]

And know this.

(SINGING) Everything's gonna be all right

Sat back and closed my eyes

And I found the reason why

I chose to fly

Some things just have to change

No

No, no, I said sell it.

Man, it's hot here, huh?

OK, so this is what I want, brother.

I want condominiums back here.

Remove all this stuff.

Dinger Doolittle, remove him, please.

Do you understand?

DINGER: Hey, Brad.

Got my rent check, bro?

I stuffed it in one of my bottles,

and it should be floating your way in a few days.

BRAD: [laughing]

[laughs]

Couldn't we just build around this, sir?

No.

I mean--

No.

No, no, no.

Did you hear what I said?

I said remove it all.

OK?

Dinger, Pelican, 5 o'clock.

Happy hour.

Beer's on me, bro.

Mr. Taylor-- later.

Dick.

Come on, let's get back on top, Dinger.

Don't you think it's time to set some goals?

Stop drinking, get a job?

You know, maybe a shower?

DINGER: Jeez, can't we just stick

to the fantasy stuff, Pammy?

There's no need for you to go all Hasselhoff on me.

[fast rhythmic music]

[light music]

We make a good team, you and I, you know?

That's real romantic, Brad.

All right, let me get this straight.

I sleep with you.

I get to keep my motel.

I don't, you foreclose.

God, you make me sound like such a beast.

Hmm.

BRAD: You know what?

Maybe we got off on the wrong foot.

I mean, couldn't I maybe be a romantic good guy?

Can I be a man who's crazy about you and sees a future together?

I mean, is it-- is it that terrible to explore

the possibility?

Is it?

Mm-hmm.

Aah.

KYLE: Everything all right here?

TASTY: You need us to do some kung fu or anything like that?

DOOBIE: Oh, we could totally take him down.

[snickers]

Pow.

You guys, everything is fine.

This is Brad Taylor.

Brad Taylor?

That's right, man.

I had your poster.

Potty-trained my puppy on it.

DOOBIE: [snickering] Whoa!

That's dickwad Taylor.

Exactly.

[laughs]

Ha ha.

Compliments galore today, huh, boys?

KYLE: You really are good, man.

You just manage to always lose to Dinger Doolittle.

Ah!

And you must be the nephew.

Dinger Doolittle might have gotten lucky

and won a few surf contests, but he certainly

didn't turn out too good in the end, now, did he?

[sniffs] In fact, I think I can smell him

on the beach from here.

[sniffing]

Look, I don't wanna do this.

In fact, I would be ecstatic for you to keep this place.

Let me prove it to you over dinner tomorrow night.

Pick you up at 7:00.

Come on, what do you say?

Fine.

Great decision.

You see, boys?

The good guys always win in the end.

Hmm!

Whoa!

Dickwad was a good name.

[snickers]

If going to dinner with Brad Taylor

means that I get to keep this place

for another day, another minute, that's a small price to pay.

I love this place.

Yeah, but he's such a jerk.

CARLA: Tell me about it.

This place is cool.

It is cool.

Just ask your mother about her hapless little sister.

I was a failure as a wife.

I was a failure as a teacher.

Apparently, I'm about to be a failure as a motel

owner in paradise.

You haven't failed as my coolest aunt.

You've always been that.

[slaps]

Well, thank you.

I just wish being a cool aunt paid better.

All right, enough about my miserable life.

Stanford, huh?

Uh-- um, hmm.

Is that about that surfing dream that your parents are

so relieved you gave up?

They're right.

[thunder booming]

I mean, Dinger was the best, and look what happened to him.

I can't get sidetracked trying to surf pro.

It's-- it's Stanford.

CARLA: It is Stanford, but it's your life.

All right, I'm off to class.

You know, my friend, I thought I couldn't

reach my students before-- and they were on planet Earth!

You have sent me on a mission to Mars.

Uh, I know.

CARLA: Thank you.

[both chuckling]

(SINGING) Everything's gonna be all right

Sat back and closed my eyes

And found no reason why

[birds chirping]

Dinger, Brad is taking Carla to dinner tonight.

Brad, the butt-munching butt-muncher?

Yeah, he wants to foreclose the hotel if she doesn't, you

know, play bury the barracuda?

Or tickle the tuna?

Dinger, she needs your help.

My help?

KYLE: Yeah.

Brad hates you because you used to kick his ass all the time

on the surf tour.

Damn Skippy.

If you challenge him to a surf contest,

he'll accept no matter what the bet is.

I mean, look at you.

He's got to think you can barely stand, much less surf.

Well, aren't you just a little ego booster from hell.

KYLE: OK, know what, forget about me.

You challenge him to a surf-off, bet the hotel,

you win, she wins.

Why don't we just build a spaceship and go to Pluto?

Are you gonna help Carla or not?

Your Aunt Carla is a goddess.

I'd lay down my life for a woman like her.

And there's a time where she might even have noticed.

Maybe the time is now.

You're the reason I became a surfer.

[scoffs] Low blow, bruh.

Kid playing the hero card.

Too bad Dinger doesn't play cards.

Well, you'd play little strip poker with me, wouldn't you,

honey?

We have time for a game or two.

It is getting awfully hot, and the shirt is suffocating.

Oh. yeah.

The girls look like they're overheating.

You wanna play strip poker?

I'll play strip poker.

We'll, just take my hand, baby, and we can play.

Go ahead, take it.

[boing]

Oh-hoh, I'm sorry, bro.

I don't know what I'm thinking.

You know what, though?

I'm in.

(SINGING) Carpe diem

You got to seize the day

CARLA: OK, guys, I really don't have time for nonsense.

So you wanna pass this test that's

gonna allow you to repeat your senior year at Malibu High,

right?

OK.

Well, I've gone over all the material,

and I think I can help you.

But you have to be willing and open to learn.

Hamilton.

I would be more open to learning

if you were more open to wearing a bikini in the class.

[snickering] Whoa.

I'd be down for, like, a G-string.

[snickers]

OK.

Lesson number one, boys.

If you ever say anything sexually related to me again,

you're on the first plane back home.

Comprende?

[snorts]

Si.

CARLA: And you, Richard, you're gonna omit the word "whoa"

from your vocabulary.

No!

One more time, and you're outta here.

TASTY: I can see why you quit teaching, Ms. Terminator.

And no wonder you and your friend

are on the way to a special school.

You two are like the village idiots.

I mean, I'm sure it was really cool when you were young,

but right now, it's really pathetic.

She's a horrible teacher.

Whoa.

Chicks dig us, right?

Thanks.

Marco.

OK, I guess I was a little--

Harsh?

Judgmental?

Rude?

How about focused?

KYLE: How about rudely focused?

I can live with that.

OK.

Truce.

I'm Eva.

I'm Kyle.

I know.

Your aunt was raving about you.

So you're like a pro surfer, whatever that is?

I'm not really a pro.

I just graduated high school, and believe it or not,

I'm starting college in the fall.

Me, too.

Where?

It's gonna kill your stupid surfer hypothesis.

Stanford.

Stanford?

That's too weird.

Don't tell me of all the great bastions of academia,

you chose the same school as a stupid surfer boy?

Close.

I'll be right down the road at Berkeley.

Neighbors.

Not a bad school.

Hmm, it's no Stanford.

OK, I'm an idiot.

We already established that.

[laughs]

What about the truce?

Yeah.

[upbeat music]

I would like to apologize for yesterday.

I should have been more patient.

Did you hear anything?

I'm willing to give it another shot if you guys are.

But you have to realize you got to change.

If you wanna go back to your high school,

you have to wanna learn.

Oops.

Look, Brad, there is not enough space for both of us

in Costa Rica.

Heck, there's barely enough room for us in Central America.

Maybe adequate space in Europe.

I heard Antarctica is nice.

Dinger, you suck!

OK, butt-muncher, you best be on the next wave outta here

'cause there's a new sheriff in town,

and his name is Dinger Doolittle.

Brad?

Buddy?

You couldn't possibly lend me a few coloned just until payday?

Six pack of Imperial?

Hah.

You disgust me.

What happened to the real Dinger?

Where did he go?

I can't do this.

I can't do this.

What happened?

Where is the real Dinger?

Oh, looky who's here.

Our favorite young men.

Oh, yah!

We want to play today.

You want to play with us?

Yah.

Yah.

Yah?

Well, you should come by our room after breakfast, yah?

BOTH: Yah.

Ha ha ha.

Mm.

I will see you later, Rikard.

All right.

[snickers]

Yah.

Yah.

All right.

Come on, dude.

Enough with the nature watch, dude.

OK.

We-- we got to play it cool, like, uh--

like Rico Suave.

Whoa.

Yeah.

Rico Suave!

Who is Rico Suave.

He's this Latin dude who gets, like, tons of babes.

All right, let's go.

Hello?

We-- we're here.

WOMAN: We'll be with you in one minute.

[birds chirping]

We are in panty heaven.

Ha ha!

Hey, look at this.

[laughs]

[groans]

[door clicks open]

[gasps] Oh, so sorry.

We leave our laundry out.

That is so rude!

RIKKI: Oh, how rude of us.

We apologize.

It's-- it's OK.

Oh, yeah.

We won't tell anybody.

[nervous sigh]

Good.

You ready?

We are up here!

Huh?

They are just breasts.

You have nipples, we have nipples.

Oh, we like those better.

OK, we go play now, yah?

Yah.

Yah!

Yah!

Oh, yah.

TASTY: Yah, yah.

Yah.

INGA: So you boys know how much we like, uh, games, yah?

DOOBIE: Yah.

Yah.

And we know how much you American boys like to see,

you know, the woman's body, yah?

Yah.

Oh, we play strips games.

Yah?

Yah!

Oh, oh, yah.

Ha ha.

INGA: Oh, OK.

A movie?

Too words.

Second word.

Uh, three syllables.

First syllable, prayer.

God's.

Ah-- oh, it's second and third syllable.

Baby.

Mother.

Sounds like a mother.

It's a father.

Yah.

Oh, oh, oh, godfather.

The Godfather!

21 seconds, boys.

Your turn, boys

[music playing] I can't say that there's a beginning

And I swear that there's no end

But if you're the one who's searching

Well, good luck, my friend

Good luck, my friend

The clouds are clearing up

'Cause something's coming down

All right.

How do I look?

Wow, you look beautiful.

Thank you.

You know, it's not too late.

I mean, I could cancel.

I can call him and tell him that you have, like,

jungle fever, fatigue, plague.

Honey, it's just dinner.

BRAD: Hello, beautiful.

Whew, wow!

You look like the mother of my children.

Too early in the day to propose?

Just a little.

What's up, Kyle?

Well, [sighs] I guess we should be going, yeah?

KYLE: Wait, why the rush?

I mean, I have Brad Taylor here, surf legend.

You know, when you beat Slater in '97 with that 360 degree

turn, man, that was epic.

Yeah.

Yeah, it was, man.

I remember sitting out there with him, waiting for a set,

you know, and I just felt it.

I turned to Kelly and I said, second place isn't so bad.

Enjoy it, fool.

[laughs]

Yeah, you're really cool.

Thanks.

Well, are you ready?

Yeah.

OK.

DINGER: Not so fast, Brad.

Hah.

What are you doing here, Doolittle?

Isn't it about time to fall down drunk again?

I'm here to call out the alleged surf champion.

That must eat you up inside.

No matter how many championships you got,

you never won one against the Dinger.

Dinger, don't.

BRAD: Because you quit.

Ran away.

Right into the bottle, and you're still in it.

What do you want, wino?

[snorts]

I want you, one-on-one, surf-off.

Three waves, one champion.

Well, I hate to tell you this, but we're a little bit too

old to play for fun.

What are you gonna bet?

Your moldy mattress?

[sarcastic laugh] No.

If I win, Carla keeps the motel.

Is he delusional?

I mean, actually, that's a silly question.

And you-- you eat the rest of that mortgage.

Look, this is ridiculous.

Stop.

I know I don't deserve to love you right now,

and I'm a little down on my luck.

A little?

Whoo.

But the Dinger's back.

I am back.

[barfs, grunts]

BRAD: OK.

All right.

You're on, wino.

You win, I won't foreclose on Carla for a year.

I said--

That's the best you're gonna get.

But when I win, you leave Costa Rica forever.

We'll call it my, um, beach beautification project.

And leave Costa Rica?

Yeah.

You know, go bye-bye.

This is ridiculous.

Stop.

You're on, butt-muncher.

Fine.

Two weeks from Saturday.

You got one chance to beat me, and that's

gonna take an act of God.

Let's go, Carla.

Please don't go.

I know you're not quite ready to just be with me,

but don't be with him.

BRAD: Man, you gotta work on your pecs.

You got man tits.

You need some Grecian for that gray, dude.

[grunting] [hurls]

[groaning]

BRAD: Oh, Dinger.

Oh, that's foul!

Ah!

Ah!

Nice one, Dinger.

[tapping]

Yeah.

[light music]

CARLA: You know, I should have studied like you.

According to my ex-boyfriend, no one studies like me.

I guess that's why he's my ex-boyfriend.

Well, there's plenty more where that came from.

You're on vacation, though.

I know.

My cousins keep reminding me.

I just wish I could relax.

Well, we could hold you down and take your book.

[snorts] I'm a black belt. It could get ugly.

I fight like I study.

Kyle could give you a surf lesson.

Oh, you mean the relatively attractive nephew

who you forgot to mention is going to Stanford?

I figured you would find out on your own.

He seems cool, but sorry, no love connection.

We're practically gonna be neighbors, you know.

Word spreads.

I don't need that kind of trouble.

All right, suit yourself.

Study hard.

DINGER: I feel cold, bruh.

What?

It's like 90 degrees.

Cold.

So cold.

[shivering] Is that a white light?

A velvety white light?

[heavenly hymn]

I'm on the road to Shambala.

There's Jehovah.

Hey, big daddy.

Sweet robe.

Dinger's coming home to Papa.

Got any Cap'n Crunch around here?

Dinger, if you're going to do this, you got to go sober.

You're not gonna let Carla down, right?

Right.

Your hero's gonna need a little help on this one, bruh.

I know.

I'll help you.

I did good today, huh?

Yeah.

Except for blowing the chunks all over.

Mm.

[calming music]

Oh god, you heard what I said about Carla.

I love you.

I want you.

It's OK, honey, she's real.

I understand.

DINGER: You're real.

So real.

You're my one and only love.

[boing]

CARLA: So what are you doing?

Just walking with my beautiful aunt on the beach.

[chuckles] I mean, what are you doing?

Dinger shows up to challenge Brad, professes his love for me?

I mean, you're a believer, right?

It's just-- it's the universe at work.

With a little help from you.

Look, I made this mess.

I don't think you and Dinger should get involved.

No, I think we should.

I mean, what do you want Dinger to do?

Just lie down on the beach drunk?

Kyle, he said he loved me.

So he's got good taste.

I mean, isn't your generation the one

that believe love is all you need?

No, that's the generation before mine.

Mine needs money.

This plan is silly.

You got anything better?

[waves crashing]

[calming music]

DINGER: Mm.

Oh, yeah.

Always good to use protection, Pammy.

Oh yeah, rub it right there.

Aah!

Oh yeah.

I think you missed a spot.

Oh yeah, that's it right there, baby.

It'd be much nicer to have a real girl do this for you--

like Carla.

Nah.

This is great.

Real is better.

Not when it's real versus Pamela Anderson.

Honey, I'm not really here, you know that?

[snorts] Say what?

You create the fantasy.

The reality is, I'm in a Little League game with my boys

right now.

Stop it.

I think you can stop it.

But you look so good wet.

You have the prettiest skin.

Goofy.

[waves crashing]

[fast rhythmic music]

Dinger, running in place in slow motion won't help.

I feel the burn, bruh.

Come on.

[straining]

OK.

That's one.

You are killing me, Osama.

What's next?

Waterboarding?

[grunts]

Dinger, you got this.

OK, you used to have the best balance in the world.

I don't know what you've been smoking lately, bruh,

but I'm with Ringling Brothers here.

What's next, a flying trapeze?

I mean, you might as well shoot me out of a cannon.

Hey, I'm back!

Woo-hoo!

Try and get these clothes off.

Yah!

Name the seven continents.

Pancho Willa.

Catalina.

Ah.

Explain Einstein's theory of relativity.

Define existentialism.

Freud's interpretation of dreams.

Keynesian Theories of Macroeconomic Management.

How much wood could a woodchuck

chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Show time.

It better be a big show!

Oh.

It's so little.

RIKKI: If it would be any smaller, it would be invisible.

Doo-doo-doo-doo.

RIKKI: He's hung like a hamster.

Stupid is no fun.

We don't take our clothes off for stupid American boys.

Yeah, why don't you just take your honey buns out of my sight?

Take a long walk on a short pier.

INGA: Yeah.

And while you're at it, take your cocktail wieners out

of here.

Dude, I totally knew that woodchuck question, man.

KYLE: Come on, work.

TASTY: All right.

North America.

South America.

Antarctica.

Africa.

Australia.

[chuckles]

What about Australia?

Oh, nothing.

What's wrong, guys?

We really are idiots.

DOOBIE: Idiots with like a capital--

[grunts]

[chuckles] What's wrong?

Your date with the Swedes didn't go very well?

We need to learn.

Not just so we can stay in our school,

but just so we're not just pathetic kooks.

DOOBIE: And you don't even have to, like, seduce us,

or anything like that, you know?

I mean, look, if you wanted to, you could, but--

Ah!

Sorry.

I didn't mean to upset--

Hey, how's it going?

OK.

You think you might have time for a surf lesson?

I thought you had to focus.

It's just a surf lesson.

I think I'm smart enough to learn how

to do your little surf thing.

This has nothing to do with book smarts.

[snorts] Please.

How hard can it be?

You're brain-dead friends.

Can do it.

OK.

I think I will give you that lesson in humility.

OK, wait a second.

I talked to your aunt.

She told me what you're trying to do with Dinger.

I think it's really cool.

I'm not trying to add to that frustration or anything,

I promise.

I come in peace.

KYLE: When you see that friendly little wave coming

that you want, you can line yourself up on the wave.

When you're paddling, you're basically

gonna be doing a crawl stroke, and coming over the top.

EVA: Got it.

All right.

Looks good.

And once you feel the glide, you kinda

do a push up like this.

Knees slightly bent, arms out to the side for balance,

and that's your first surf lesson.

Your turn.

OK.

[sighs] Feet off the edge of the board.

Nose out of the water.

Kick, paddle.

I think I got it.

KYLE: That's good.

Just like a pro.

(SINGING) What about love

What about us

What about all the things in life

That we can trust

What about faith

To find the missing pieces

To build a bridge connecting us to us

Break the bread.

What about me?

What about you?

What about love?

Love, Love

If you're looking for love and you can't find it

But if you find it, you don't know what you found

Well, that went well.

We actually did pretty good.

Paddling's looking good.

Balance is nice.

It's all good.

I'm just not ready.

It's OK.

So do you guys understand

is about?

Yeah, kind of about us.

[chuckles] It's about you and Richard?

TASTY: Well, the guy in the book, "Sydney," he loves Lucy,

but Lucy loves Charlie.

And that is, like, pretty much like the story of our lives.

See, the babes that we love usually love someone else.

OK, good.

I mean, not good, but Dickens was exploring

the concept of unrequited love.

When you love someone and they don't love you.

You guys really got it.

[upbeat music]

KYLE: Come on, Dinger, you're almost here!

Can I just enroll in Jenny Craig?

For taking Jazzercise class?

Come on.

Come on, baby, into my arms.

I'm coming, sweetheart.

[grunts] You can't tell me this isn't for real.

This is gay.

Mwah.

Dinger!

Whoa!

Oh.

Have a good surf, bro.

Get them.

[NEIL DE LUCA AND MATTHEW DE LUCE, "AIN'T GONNA FALL"]

(SINGING) My conviction is my addiction

I ain't gonna fall

We ain't gonna fall

Wow.

Back to tease me?

No.

Just watching him surf.

I remember watching you in Hawaii, you were amazing.

That was a long time ago.

Not so long.

I see the way he looks at you.

He remembers.

They all do.

DINGER: You know, Pammy, for a fantasy girl,

you can be a real pain in the ass sometimes.

How about a little less pressure and a lot more suntan oil?

PAMELA ANDERSON: OK, OK.

But maybe this whole thing, you know,

the changes, the challenges, maybe this

is your fantasy, not me.

[scoffs] Uh, that would be a no, Dr. Anderson.

You're my fantasy.

Well, we are making some progress.

We just had an entire conversation

without you trying to grope me.

Yeah, I guess.

[eerie music]

Oh.

Oh, finally, Pam.

[speaking spanish]

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Hey, Dinger, please!

Help!

Dinger, you tease.

Puto!

Hey.

Oh, Ernesto.

[speaking spanish]

I'm sorry, bro.

I'm hallucinating from the sober thing.

You look exactly like Pammy, though.

[waves crashing]

[soft guitar playing]

Do you mind if I sit down?

Take a seat.

Things going any better with Dinger?

No.

So what's in your brain that has to change?

Don't you have some studying to do?

I'm a surfer now.

Remember?

Sometimes it's easier to tell a stranger, or a near stranger.

I'm just thinking about maybe putting off Stanford.

I always dreamed of surfing pro.

I don't wanna look back on life and have any regrets.

[sighs] But I don't wanna turn out like Dinger, either.

You're not him.

[birds chirping]

You don't think it's crazy?

I should, I guess.

But I don't.

Watching you surf, it's beautiful.

I mean, it's a gift.

I thought I'd be the last person to see it that way.

But--

Look, I've been studying fanatically

since I can remember.

And I guess, maybe it's not so bad to take a break.

Maybe it doesn't forever damn you to a future in fast food.

So not to change the subject, but I kinda have an idea.

Are you crazy?

Setting your cool aunt up on a date with Dinger Doolittle?

Maybe you'll inspire him.

I mean, he is risking everything for you.

It's more of a Don Quixote approach.

You're Dulcinea, and he's your knight errant.

He deserves an audience.

Don Quixote was insane, as is Dinger.

KYLE: Insane is a little extreme.

I'd say he's more--

eccentric.

Right.

Since when did the two of you become a tag team?

Aren't you supposed to be studying or something?

I believe a wise and beautiful hotel owner once

told me to take a study break.

KYLE: Come on, it's just dinner.

He's willing to give up his home for you.

I really think that we should cancel this whole thing.

I mean, he can't--

he can't possibly win, can he?

He's a four-time world champion.

He's got a chance.

All he needs is a little time.

Your time.

You know, the two of you are too smart for your own good,

and for mine.

OK, my typical first date.

Maybe we shouldn't use me as a model.

Let's take a slightly different approach.

Well, just be yourself.

You know, the non-perverted part of yourself

that won't try to jump her bones.

God, I want you so bad.

[boing]

Uh, kid, figuratively speaking.

EVA: Look, Dinger, if you want any chance

with a woman like Carla, you're gonna need some updating.

And you're going to be doing this updating?

Me and my two Swedish cousins.

Swedish cousins?

Wow!

Well, are you guys gonna be wearing something like G-strings

for my update and comfort?

Maybe, uh, after this update, and you'll

hit on someone other than me.

So this Plato isn't the stuff made out of clay.

It's a Greek guy, a philosopher.

Good job, Hamilton.

DOOBIE: And he believed in inherent intelligence.

And that we were born knowing all the stuff

that we need to know.

We just have to call on it.

We're, like, smart as Asian kids.

[laughter]

You guys, I'm really proud of you.

You're working really hard.

So I hear you have a big date tonight.

BOYS: Ooh.

Oh, no, it's not a date.

Well, don't let him get to second base

without finishing the shrimp cocktail.

[snickers] Shrimp cocktail.

[upbeat music]

Look, I'm just not in the mood.

Well, that's a surprise.

DINGER: Don't take offense or anything.

You're still my Pammy, right?

If you say so, honey.

I'll just leave you alone, maybe just head down the beach

and go skinny-dipping.

You're testing me.

Aah.

You're testing me.

[kiss]

[boing]

Dinger, we got to train.

I am training, bruh.

For what, the next life?

In a manner of speaking, yes.

Maybe I'm praying for you to loosen up.

I've seen you surf.

You could be great.

You just got to let it flow.

BRAD (VOICEOVER): But when I win,

you leave Costa Rica forever.

DINGER: I know what matters.

KYLE (VOICEOVER): Are you gonna help Carla or not?

I know what matters.

PAMELA ANDERSON (VOICEOVER): It's OK, honey, she's real.

I understand.

CARLA (VOICEOVER): When you love someone and they don't love you.

Mind over matter.

KYLE (VOICEOVER): Maybe the time is now.

BRAD (VOICEOVER): You know, go bye-bye.

You just gotta let it flow.

[birds chirping]

[dinger groaning]

How is it going?

Um, well, let's just say no felony charges yet.

A few misdemeanors, maybe.

I'm sure he'll be fine.

MAN: Give Kyle my stuff!

Oh.

DINGER: Oh.

Aah!

He wanted me to give you this stuff.

I found it in his hair.

I'd give you the plate, but we're

going through his underarm hair now, and I'll probably need it.

All right.

Yeah.

He likes Britney Spears.

DINGER: Don't lose my Britney, "Baby, One More Time."

You owe me another surf lesson after this.

You got it.

Uh, I should probably get back to that.

Good luck.

DINGER: Aah!

I wanna go back--

See ya.

DINGER: --to the beach.

[door closed]

Oh my god.

You look amazing.

Thank you.

All right, if this goes bad, I'm gonna kill you.

You know that.

[laughs]

Come on, just give it a chance.

You might like him.

I think you will.

You know, when I first moved here about 12 years ago, I--

I met Dinger Doolittle, and he was the resident surf god.

He was something.

I mean, not my type, of course.

Of course.

He was a stupid surfer.

[exhales] Yes.

Oh my god.

Dinger, is that you?

I think so.

Can't be 100%, but he sure bears a resemblance.

CARLA: I-- mean, you--

you look--

Human again?

Ah, hah, you look great.

Well, you look amazing without my vomit all over you.

Oh.

Here's a peace offering for blowing the chunks.

That-- these grew out by my house.

Mattress.

Thank you.

That's very sweet.

Are you sure you wanna do this?

Yeah.

Yeah.

You kids be back early.

We'll be waiting.

We want to apologize.

Yeah, we were rude.

You are not so stupid!

Yeah.

Mm, come.

We go play.

Yeah.

We go skinny-dip, yah?

Ooh, yah!

We're trying not to be so stupid.

Yeah.

We'll pass.

Bro, put it in the books.

I'm gonna split the atom one day.

[snickers]

Hey, we have to review Stalin's reign of terror, too.

Oh, yeah.

INGA: But, uh, we said that we do

go skinny-dipping so you can see our hooters.

Yah?

Yah.

Maybe touch, yah?

Hah.

We'll take a rain check.

OK, we show you now.

Dude, I found a dangling participle right here.

Hmp!

[door clicks open]

[door shuts]

Was that a dream?

[romantic music]

You did an amazing job.

I can't believe it's him.

Thanks.

You don't have to be doing this, you know.

You could be studying.

I think I needed a study break.

[romantic music continues]

What's going on with you in this bet, Dinger?

I mean, I appreciate the sentiment, but it's wrong.

It feels right to me.

It's not your problem.

It's mine.

What if helping you with your problem helps me with mine?

Look, I don't wanna be like I've been.

I can't.

And if this is the reason to change, you,

it's as good as any.

Better.

Thanks for doing this with me, Carla.

Thank you.

I had a really nice time.

Really?

Really.

[kiss]

Oh.

[chuckles]

[footsteps receding]

Someone's smiling.

[chuckles] I'm not doing this with you, guys.

Oh, come on.

OK.

Let's kick butt-muncher's butt.

[chuckles]

[upbeat music]

Come in.

We want to play.

Please, we're studying.

Well, study anatomy.

Ours.

Dude, I can't concentrate here.

Yeah, let's leave these aquatic recreational facilities.

[brisk music]

KYLE: Come on, Dinger.

Please, let him get up.

Ah.

Two words.

OK.

First word.

That's it, Richard.

OK, um, two syllables.

Excellent!

Yes!

All right.

Ms. Dante.

Yeah?

Oh, come on, girls.

Get out of here!

DINGER: Hey, what's up, bruh?

[waves crashing]

[thump]

[thump]

My god.

[coughing]

Carla?

Hey.

Um, you wanted to talk to me?

Yeah.

Um, look, everybody in town knows

that I have rooms available, and I think it's

only right that you have one.

Stay here?

In an actual room?

Yes.

And sleep in the bed?

With sheets?

Yes.

And use the bathroom?

Yes.

You can even use the shower if you want.

And the soap?

Yes.

Whoa, Carla.

You know, this is kind of a surprise to me.

You want me to move in so fast and all.

I mean, I had a great time on our date,

and the kiss was certainly erotic,

but you know, a guy usually has to play a little hard to get.

You're asking me to be your living boy toy.

No.

I am offering you a room.

Not my room.

Yes or no?

Yes.

OK.

[music playing] While traveling in my dreams

To a place I'd almost forgotten

When you feel like the sun never sets

When you feel like you need exactly what you get

When you feel like you're never alone

When you feel like this world is your home

Your home

And I don't believe you can make it on your own

And I don't believe that love is worth less than gold

And I don't believe that you should do whatever you're told

And I don't believe

[waves crashing]

Oh!

A bed-- with sheets!

Yeah.

[chuckles] Light.

Yeah!

Light!

OK, you can let go of me now.

God, she really loves me, doesn't she?

KYLE: Love is a little strong.

I would say it's more--

more of a like.

Love, like, they both start with the letter L, right?

Yeah, they do.

All righty, then.

There's water in this toilet.

So-- [chuckles] so--

Was I really your hero once?

Yeah.

Look, big bruh, I never asked you for anything.

And it's not like I'm asking for that much now.

Maybe just a little karma.

You're not coming home tonight?

Well, she offered, and I felt kind of obligated.

I mean, you can't hurt the filly.

It's just one night.

I'll be back, Pammy.

Good night, Dinger.

Good night

[upbeat music]

He's close.

Eva, the competition is tomorrow.

Close means Dinger leaves here forever.

Close means Carla loses the hotel.

Are you all right?

Yeah, Maybe a little scared.

A little scared is normal.

You know, I wanted to apologize to you, Pam.

For what?

For treating you like a fantasy all these years.

You know, an object.

The hottest object in the history of mankind.

I mean, those 11 Playboy covers confirm that

It's 13.

Anyway, the truth is, while most of us

are scared to death of love, you at least give it a chance.

You take your boys to Little League games.

You rescue animals.

You've been the best friend a lost soul could ever have.

Thank you, Dinger

I have to go.

I know.

I could call it off.

DINGER: No.

We're ready.

The legend returns, right, bruh?

Look, Dinger, you don't have to do this.

A hero is more than a sandwich, kid.

Look at you, guys.

You all look like Lindsay Lohan without a beer.

Come on, have some faith.

Tomorrow, the Dinger rides again.

Just like that Plato dude said.

It's all inside me, right?

Yeah.

And Carla?

Yeah.

I wrote a song.

Do you mind if I play it?

Sure.

Hah.

(SINGING) It's me and my friends in Costa Rica today

Come to catch a few waves and maybe get laid

My Aunt Carla and she taught us new ways

Two sweetest chicks teasing us titties in our face

Kyle digs Eva, green-eyed blonde with the brains

It's me and my friends in Costa Rica today

My boy Doobie sure loves the reefer

But now he quotes Shakespeare, Dickens, and Queen Latifah

Dinger winning we thought was history

Believing in him will lead him to victory

Whoo!

I love my family in Costa Rica

This is my family in Costa Rica

This is my family

[clapping] Wow.

What a tender moment for a bunch of losers

on the verge of complete annihilation.

So, Carla, I heard about your little date.

Are you really that hard up you had

to do a makeover on the wino?

I'd leave now, butt-muncher.

You're the only one leaving, Doolittle.

And I'm sure with a little bit of luck,

you'll soon have your very own shopping

cart in downtown Detroit.

After I destroy your drunk boyfriend,

my lawyer will begin foreclosing on your little hotel.

You had your chance, baby.

You blew it.

Wow, congratulations, Brad.

That was perhaps the best dick speech

in the history of all dicks.

Which is appropriate because your fly's open.

[sarcastic laugh]

[laughs] That's right.

Made you look.

[chuckles]

You guys get a good night's sleep

because tomorrow, you and your girlfriend lose everything.

Oh, that's right.

You do have that one chance.

Yeah, I remember.

That's right.

(SINGING) This is my family in Costa Rica

[stirring music]

Do

You know, Brad.

You should be real careful with karma.

It can bite you in the ass.

Pearls of wisdom from the wino.

Well, well, well.

You and your sorry-ass entourage have actually shown up.

All right, let's keep this simple

so even you can understand.

Three waves, best two out of three wins.

Translation-- after two quick rides,

you leave Costa Rica forever.

Now, can you tell my beautiful friends what happens if I win?

Yeah, yeah, of course.

If there happens to be an act of God,

Ms. Dante here will not have to pay her mortgage for one year.

You sober enough to begin?

Let's do this.

Thanks for everything, bruh.

Are you OK?

Yeah.

You can do this.

The legend returns.

[upbeat music]

Come on, fatso.

After you, Brad.

Come on, Dinger!

Come on.

You can do it!

That's what I'm talking about.

[whistles]

Ah-ha-ha!

You better pray, Doolittle.

KYLE: What's he doing out there?

Just wait.

It's cool, man.

What's he doing out there?

Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Great.

He's praying again.

[thunder rumbling]

Whoa.

What's going on?

This doesn't look good.

I think God's crying.

Whoa!

[lightning crackles]

Ah!

Oh!

Di-- did you see that lightning bolt?

Yeah.

Oh, he just got struck by lightning.

DINGER: I'll save you, Brad.

BRAD: Help!

Grab my board.

[gasping] Thank God.

Don't worry, everyone.

He's not dead!

Ms. Dante, we don't have to know anything

about supernatural phenomenas for the exam, do we?

BRAD: Aah!

We don't have to know.

Anyone wanna help him?

I think he shit his pants.

BRAD: Argh!

Whoo!

You did it!

[all cheering]

We did it.

Yeah, bro.

Yeah!

Dude, you did it.

No way!

The Dinger is back.

Is that what you were praying for?

Oh, yes.

And you were in there too, bruh.

I'm gonna need a surf coach if I go pro.

You got it.

I know I didn't beat him the way I used to back in the day,

but I still won for the woman I love.

That's what they call unrequited love.

Dickens wrote about that.

Yeah, that's when, like, you love somebody,

but they don't love you back.

That might not apply here, boys.

Sorry about that.

I just wanted to say goodbye.

God, I'm so proud of you.

Well, you always wanted that kiss.

Is that all you got, Dinger?

Not even close.

[upbeat music]

Mm.

Book.

Uh, seven words.

First word.

OK, one syllable.

OK.

Prayer.

Prayer.

Uh-- uh chicken.

Uh, hen!

Hen!

OK, sounds like, uh, zen!

Zen!

All right, uh, second word.

Second word.

Enough!

We give up.

Enough.

We-- we respected your mind.

Yes.

So now, we give to you our bodies.

Yah!

Oh, if I remember correctly, I think you guys called us,

uh, stupid Americans?

You're on the lame train.

We've seen this show before.

You boys like to go multiple party?

Sure!

Oh, yeah!

[greg cipes, "fly"] It's to celebrate

Don't need a damn thing

Time for me to go

Everything's gonna be all right

Sit back and close my eyes

And found the reason why

I chose to fly

Some things just happen to

[waves crashing]

[THUNDER FROM HEAVEN, "CHASING THE BLUE BUTTERFLY"]

A bluegrass, bluegrass, silverside

Wildlife provides no space

Want to catch up, no mask

Wanted me to pass

You go fast, go fast

We were chasing the blue butterfly

Yeah, we're going, we're going over

We were chasing the blue butterfly

Here we go, here we go, here we go

A blue grass, blue flowers, silver size

What else, cross spines, long spine

Want to catch up, no mask

Wanted me to pass

[music playing]

You go fast.

I'm so hot, so hot, I can't wear pants

I'm so hot, have no time for romance

And I'm so hot, I can't go into the city

The women and the men and even dogs think I'm too pretty

Yes, I'm so hot, you would like to take a chance.

I'm so hot I think it's time I did a dance ha!

And I am so hot, I am too hot for my [bleep]

My [bleep], it hangs so low, it's like an onion in a sock, ha

I'm so hot, you'll do anything I please

My ass, it is so hot it could bring you to your knees.

I'm so hot

I'm so hot

I'm so hot

I'm so hot

I'm so hot, I'm like an oven

An oven made of love

I'm so hot