Original subtitles

Dying is cliche.

It is the most derivative and predictable thing a person can do.

The dead are, by definition, unremarkable.

In themselves, they are nothing.

They only matter insofar as

they affect the lives of the people they leave behind.

They are only useful insofar as they remind the living

that they are still alive.

It's a harrowing reminder.

Some people don't want it.

Hi. All right? Yeah.

TOM: Oh, God.

ABI: Jesus Christ. What the fuck is he wearing?

I can't believe that's what you're wearing, Ethan.

What? It's black. You're wearing fucking blue.

Anyway, it's not like we knew him that well.

Ethan! Be respectful!

He can't hear us. He's dead!

So you haven't seen him since uni? Were you close?

Kind of friends, right? Eh...

He was kind of weird. He used to keep this pet frog

under his bed at freshers'... Guys, please! What?

You know, I don't even really know why we're here.

Because we went to uni with him, all right?

OK, I feel like before we go in, can we just, like,

stop for a sec and talk, just before we...?

Guys, it's literally about to start.

I definitely think we should just go in.

It'll take two minutes, this conversation.

All right, look, I'll get us a seat,

cos we do not want to get stuck in the back.

All right. All right? Yeah? Yeah. Yeah.

All right. OK.

Jesus Christ. It's not a fucking concert.

He didn't even know the guy.

What I wanted to say was that I just, um...

I just don't want you to think that I care

about this whole, like, Aaron thing or whatever.

I know the vibe's off. I know we haven't spoken in, like, a week,

but, like, it's genuinely fine. That's all I wanted to say.

Great. Yeah. Told you he wouldn't care.

Cos we went on a date and we kissed. So it's all... What?

OK. I mean, that's, like...

Yeah, bizarre, but... Bizarre? Um, yeah.

Shall we go in? What? Let's go in.

When... when did this happen?

The other day at that, like... What would you even call that?

Artistic circle jerk of cunts? I don't know. Nice. Yeah.

Ethan, why are you doing this? It's like...

Doing what? Chasing after another straight guy

just cos he shows you the tiniest bit of attention.

Whoa! First we had racist Finn from uni.

Then there was the Wagamama's waiter cos he brought out your main first.

And touched my hand when he gave it to me, but whatever. OK.

And then that Mcat dealer who was like, sorry, like 60 years old.

He wasn't an Mcat dealer. He just had loads of spare Mcat...

Oh, OK. Stupid me. ...and he gave it to me

because he was fucking flirting with me,

which is really nice, cos it can be expensive.

OK. And he wasn't that old. He had grandchildren.

And, sorry, Aaron isn't straight. He kissed me.

Yes, he is. He fucked Sam.

Oh, my God, Abi, what the fuck?

Well, didn't he?

No. We literally, like, made out, and then he fingered me a bit.

He fingered you? Oh, OK, that's fine then!

What are you, fucking ten? Ten?

Stop it! Fingering counts!

You care, and you regret it,

so just stop lying.

Just stop lying to each other. Stop lying to yourselves.

It's fucking pathetic.

Lying to ourselves? Rich coming from you.

The fuck does that mean, Ethan?

Abi, you don't love him.

You don't actually love him.

Ethan.

Sorry, but it's getting cruel.

It's hard to watch.

You don't love Tom. You love, like...

...your Dyson and natural wine

and feeling like you've won.

Come on, I know you.

That's really what you think, yeah?

That's what we both think.

Babe, it's actually getting so busy now.

Come on. Yeah.

You don't seem happy, Ab.

What, and you're dead happy, are you?

Slinking around after your ex-girlfriend

just so she'll show you the tiniest bit of attention.

You left.

You left us. You're the one who changed.

And why would I stay with yous?

It's like, "Oh, yeah, come over and meet me flatmates,

"fucking jarg writer and a gay psychopath."

You can't call me that.

Yes, I can. It's your Instagram bio, Ethan.

Oh!

Yeah, walk off, as always.

The fuck is a jarg writer?

Hey. Hey.

Where is everyone?

Love you.

Love you.

It's really sad, really. I really don't...

For fuck's sake. It's fucking Emily.

Huh? Who's Emily?

Girl whose Instagram I always show you.

She cheated her way into office even though I got the votes.

She's fucking Hitler.

Oh, the student union ents officer, right?

Yeah, but because she had that experience,

she got on that Oxford master's,

and then she met that fella who's, like, Swedish royalty or whatever.

And then they got engaged and then they moved to Brooklyn,

then she got a Tesla. She robbed my fucking Tesla.

Yeah, it was a long time ago, though.

Yeah, but so was World War II.

People still talk about that, don't they?

MAN: Excuse me.

Sorry. Can I bum one? Yeah.

Oh, cheers.

Oof!

Funerals are weird, ain't they?

Everyone thinking he was perfect.

Fucking weirdo, man. Weird kid.

No-one's saying nothing.

Yeah.

Yeah, he was weird.

You know, I don't...

...like, I don't remember anything about him, but...

...except he used to call me milady,

and it made me want to, like, move countries.

I don't know if I'm a good person.

No-one does.

No-one knows if I'm a good person?

Why didn't you reply?

Um...

I don't know.

But it's not my fault...

...right? I mean... I shouldn't feel bad.

That's what today's all about, I'm afraid.

Feeling bad. Yeah, but...

...we're... we're not responsible for other people.

You know, for other people's feelings.

Is that what people have been telling you?

Sorry.

Thanks.

For fuck's sake.

Abi!

Hi! Hi!

Oh, my God! So good to see you.

I just wish it was under better circumstances.

Oh, but you've been busy, babe. You're royalty, aren't you?

I didn't realise you were a monarchist.

I mean, I'm not personally,

but I just think it's a vile institution.

Well... Well, yeah. I mean, we called off the wedding.

No! Why?

Did he cheat on you?

Did he cheat on you in a really horrible way?

Uh, no. Um... We're fine. He's fine. He's nice.

It's just, I had this gut feeling, you know?

I just suddenly thought,

"What is our relationship even based on?" You know?

Yeah. "Do Sven and I have this deep, soul, love connection,

"or do I just like going to Lake Como with Amal Clooney?"

Classic question. At least you've got your Tesla.

Oh, I don't have a Tesla.

You've... you've got a Tesla. No, I don't. I don't have a Tesla.

Sorry. Hi. I'm Tom. I'm the boyfriend.

Gosh. Hi! I've seen so many posts on Insta.

Like, literally so many.

I feel like I've been to a small plates restaurant with you.

How did you guys meet? Uh, I'll say.

Um, she's actually the first person I matched with on Hinge.

And he was mine. Isn't that a funny story?

Oh, my God. Wow. Like, just the first one?

You just thought, "Right, I'm gonna stop now.

"I don't need to, like, look at other options. Just, that's it."

No. Listen, when you know, you know.

When you know, you know. God.

I usually find, like, platitudes like that so totally empty.

But when you said that, I really felt something.

I feel like I've just been

kind of doing everything just to have something to say.

Hello!

What a turnout. HE CHUCKLES

A sell-out.

I'm Timmo.

Sorry. He is... WAS Timmo,

but sadly no more.

Obviously.

I'm Graham. I'm your celebrant.

I couldn't be happier for him to be my first, uh, funeral,

being a celebrant.

Got qualified literally yesterday.

Down to the wire.

ELECTRONIC MUSIC

They told me this was a funeral for a 24-year-old.

Like, hello, that's not an age you should be dying at.

KEYS CLATTER Fuck!

And I was like, "That's crazy."

I was like, "What?"

Anyway, I digress. Let's get this show on the road.

Who is this guy? We're going to hear some words now from Timmo's father.

Come on up, Sandy.

UNDER HER BREATH: Oh, my God. Fuck.

Timmo was a strange boy.

He confused me.

It's a strange feeling being confused by someone you made.

We had the same face, for fuck's sake.

AUDIENCE CHUCKLES

Yeah.

It, um...

It struck me today, he didn't have many friends.

We ain't got a lot of family.

He's not going down in history.

Not very many people...

...not even the people here will remember him,

at least not for long.

It sounds harsh, but not many people loved him.

I loved him.

Didn't understand him at all. Didn't get him, maybe. But I loved him.

Hard to know whether that's enough.

I wasted so much time...

...trying to get him to do the things that made sense to me.

Things that I'd done.

I don't know why.

Those things didn't make me happy.

What made me happy was him.

Didn't realise how much I loved being confused.

Beautiful words from a beautiful man.

I think it's time for a "Tim-along".

That's a Timmo singalong.

DOORBELL RINGS

OK, OK. This is a bad idea. What am I doing? What am I doing?

Hey. Fuck me. This place is far.

Yeah. Sorry. Yeah.

Are you OK? Yeah. Uh, yeah.

I just found the whole thing a bit much.

Um, do you want to come up to my room?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

I mean, it's Roger's room, actually, if I'm honest.

Who's Roger?

HEAVY BREATHING

Um, are you OK?

Yeah, it's just my first...

Oh, come here.

Yeah? Is there anything I can... No, no, no. ..do?

Are you sure? No. You're all good.

If there is anything, like... It's fine.

I'll do it. It's fine. Like, you can call me anything you want.

You can call me, like, a stupid faggot whore if you want.

What?

I don't want to call you that.

Do you want me to call you that?

No, no, that's not what I'm saying. I'm just saying,

if there's something, like, specific that you wanted...

I'll do whatever you, um... I can call you that.

You're a faggot.

OK, uh...

That didn't feel like, um...

Maybe not, right? Wrong. Yeah.

Um... Well, one time I...

I fucked this guy who could only come from porn.

So he just, um, he just watched porn while we... while we...

While you had sex? Well, we could try that if...

That's awful.

Is it?

I don't know. Is it?

Come on.

God, everything is so uncertain, isn't it?

I mean, listening to that Emily girl,

her whole life, just, like, falling apart.

It's like, one day you're a princess of fucking Sweden

and you're hanging out with George Clooney,

and you've got a fucking Tesla, and then the next day, nothing.

No Sweden, no George Clooney, no Tesla.

And then you just fucking die.

God, we're so lucky, Ab. We're so fucking lucky

because we can look at each other and just be certain.

I love you so much.

Babe, are you OK?

Shmoop, what's up?

HEAVY BREATHING

WOMEN MOAN ON VIDEO

Is that lesbian? Shit, yeah, is that all right?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's fine. I love lesbians. Um...

I think they can be a bit humourless, but I love them.

They're great. I'm hard.

Sure. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Teeth. MUFFLED: Sorry. Sorry.

No. It's OK.

MOANING ON VIDEO

Yeah.

Good funeral.

Yeah. Fucking banger.

This is probably gonna sound really weird to you.

And you might not...

Look, you might disagree, but I feel like I might have

treated you quite badly.

And I want to take accountability for that.

So this is me.

I'm being accountable. I'm taking accountability.

So is this, like... radical honesty

or some therapy training thing?

I don't need it.

Thought it might make you feel better.

I don't feel bad, Zara.

Sam, yes. You do feel bad.

You do. We both do.

Come here.

Did you ever feel like it... Like it ended at the wrong moment?

Like we should have waited a bit? Soaked up a bit more of it?

No. Uh...

Things usually end when they need to.

That's not true at all. Look at Tommy's life.

His name was Timmo. What did I say? Tommy.

Fuck! That's fucking unfair.

That's a really fucking unfair thing to do to me.

Sorry. Um...

Want to come back to mine? We live together.

Yeah, yeah, but do you? Yeah.

Have you ever thought about killing yourself?

Jesus! Sorry, I didn't mean... I wasn't saying it because of you.

I just mean because of the funeral. I've been thinking about...

I nearly did it once when I was 17.

Yeah. I...

I just felt like everything was so overwhelming.

But in a way that was so boring, you know?

So I went to Boots and I was going to get all this paracetamol,

but it turns out you can only get two packs at a time.

And I started thinking, "I'm going to have to go to all these Bootses

"all across London and get loads of paracetamol,

"two at a time at loads of different Bootses."

And I was like, "Actually, that feels more exhausting

"than just carrying on living."

So in the end,

I just sort of sucked it up and revised for my A-levels.

Do you want to stay over?

Like... I...I shouldn't, really.

I just mean, like, we should... Yeah.

We could, like, lie here for a bit or, um,

get some food in a second, or...?

I just, I...have a lot to do.

Yeah? Yeah. I've got to...

I've got to a post a letter and call the bank.

You've got to post a letter?

It was so nice seeing you. For real.

Yeah. Yeah. You know where to... Yeah. See you.

HEAVY BREATHING TOM:Oh, fuck, babe.

TOM AND ABI BOTH MOAN

It's a nice way to end it.

It is. Yeah.

You don't know this yet because I'm your first one.

But you're always going to love me a bit.

And it's going to be really shit for you.

OK.

You know when you'd always ask me about Poppy and I'd be like,

"No, babe, I don't feel anything for her any more.

"I wouldn't recognise her in the street,

"I think her hair looks shit bleached,

"and I wouldn't care if she died. I don't love her at all any more"?

Fucking whore. Mm.

She has a Birkin now.

How did she afford that? She's a fucking acupuncturist.

I was lying, Ab.

They were all lies.

And you're gonna have to lie about me...

...because you're always going to love me a bit.

That's so stupid.

I'm always gonna love you a lot.

I'm always gonna love you a lot.

Your mum's gonna be devastated.

DOOR OPENS

Oh, God. Hi, Roger.

Ethan. Ah! Here he is.

You know, the strapping... buck.

Oh, God.

Oh, no. Um... Uh, are you upset?

I'm afraid I don't have any tissues, but let me go out.

I'll buy you thousands. No, no, please, I...

Sit down, sit down. Can I just...?

Can I just, like, sit with you?

Oh, yeah. Yeah. My gosh, that would be, uh...

That would be a dream come true.

It'd be an honour to sit with a boy like you.

I love your bed.

Yeah, it's firm, which I like. And there's a painting of a bird.

I used to have a pet bird.

What kind? Pigeon. Pigeon?

That's weird. Is it? Yeah.

Do you wanna hear something funny? Oh?

So... so I met this guy, um...

...a few weeks ago. I'm gay. That's...

Yeah. Great.

It's your flat, Tommy. Yeah, I know, but it's fine.

I can stay at my mum's. Yeah.

Thanks for letting me take the NutriBullet.

CAT MEOWS

If he was going to watch a video like that,

he should have done one with at least a willy in there.

Yeah. Thank you for saying that.

I'm starting to feel like the whole thing was a huge mistake.

No, no, no. Listen here, dimbo. Dimbo?

Love is never a mistake.

Well, I don't love him. I'm not, like, in love with him.

Oh. Well...

Well, you should find...

It's good to love someone.

It's fun. Yeah. I mean, I do love people.

There are... people that I love.

Yes! Well, you see. That's amazing. That's perfect.

Those people, you should be sucking on them. Yeah.

I'm in love.

Very lovely, very kind, special woman.

Just the perfect woman.

Oh.

That's great, Roger.

Are you... are you together? Or, like, what's the...?

No, no, no. No. No-no-no-no-no. No.

She's already got a, uh... And he's great!

Got a man. A really generous, kind, lovely husband, she has.

Lucky, lucky people.

God. I'm sorry, Roger.

Sometimes, uh, he'll say something

and she'll be like, um...

"Ugh!" Like... like she's annoyed.

Like she doesn't even love him, but she does.

And when she looks at him like that,

I'm like, I'm honestly like...

"Like, just look at me like that.

"Look at me like that!

"Someone."

NARRATOR: Everything is cliche.

An individual person in themselves is nothing.

They are only useful insofar as their living

reminds other people that they too are still alive.

It's a harrowing reminder.

Some people need it.

That sounds really lonely.

I don't really get lonely. No.

Jesus! Will you both shut up?!

I was barely talking!

Your voice carries, Ethan. It's very high!

It's two o'clock in the bloody morning.

Sorry.

Sorry. Was that story...?

Are you in love with my mum? Hmm?

ETHAN LAUGHS

? Meaningless?

? You mean it's all been meaningless?

? Every whisper and caress?

? Yes, yes, yes

? It was totally meaningless

? Meaningless

? Like when two fireflies fluoresce

? Just like everything, I guess

? Less, less, yes It was utterly meaningless. ?

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